第1章

类别:其他 作者:H.Rider Haggard字数:10393更新时间:19/01/07 15:17:55
WhentheWorldShookChapterI ArbuthnotDescribesHimselfIsupposethatI,HumphreyArbuthnot,shouldbeginthishistoryinwhichDestinyhascausedmetoplaysoprominentapart,withsomeshortaccountofmyselfandofmycircumstances。 IwasbornfortyyearsagointhisveryDevonshirevillageinwhichIwrite,butnotinthesamehouse。NowIliveinthePriory,anancientplaceandafineoneinitsway,withitspanelledrooms,itsbeautifulgardenswhere,inthismildclimate,inadditiontoourown,flourishsomanyplantswhichonewouldonlyexpecttofindincountriesthatlienearertothesun,anditsgreen,undulatingparkstuddedwithgreattimbertrees。Theview,too,isperfect;behindandaroundtherichDevonshirelandscapewithitshillsandvalleysanditsscarpedfacesofredsandstone,andatadistanceinfront,thesea。 Therearelittletownsquiteneartoo,thatliveforthemostpartonvisitors,butthesearesohiddenawaybythecontoursofthegroundthatfromthePrioryonecannotseethem。SuchisFulcombewhereIlive,thoughforobviousreasonsIdonotgiveititsrealname。 Manyyearsagomyfather,theRev。HumphreyArbuthnot,whoseonlychildIam,afterwhomalsoIamnamedHumphrey,wasthevicarofthisplacewithwhichourfamilyissaidtohavesomerathervaguehereditaryconnection。Ifso,itwasseveredintheCaroliantimesbecausemyancestorsfoughtonthesideofParliament。 Myfatherwasarecluse,andawidower,formymother,aScotswoman,diedatorshortlyaftermybirth。BeingveryHighChurchforthosedayshewasnotpopularwiththefamilythatownedthePriorybeforeme。Indeeditshead,asomewhatvulgarpersonofthenameofEnfieldwhohadmademoneyintrade,almostpersecutedhim,ashewasinapositiontodo,beingthelocalmagnateandtheowneroftherectorialtithes。 ImentionthisfactbecauseowingtoitasaboyImadeupmymindthatonedayIwouldbuythatplaceandsitinhisseat,awildenoughideaatthetime。Yetitbecameengrainedinme,asdosuchaspirationsofouryouth,andwhentheopportunityaroseinafteryearsIcarrieditout。PooroldEnfield!Hefellonevilfortunes,forintryingtobolsterupafavouritesonwhowasagambler,aspendthrift,andanungratefulscamp,intheendhewaspracticallyruinedandwhenthebadtimescame,wasforcedtoselltheFulcombeestate。Ithinkofhimkindlynow,forafterallhewasgoodtomeandgavememanyaday’sshootingandleavetofishfortroutintheriver。 Bythepoorpeople,however,ofallthedistrictround,fortheparishitselfisverysmall,myfatherwasmuchbeloved,althoughhedidpractiseconfession,wearvestmentsandsetlightedcandlesonthealtar,andwasevensaidtohaveopenlyexpressedthewish,towhichhoweverheneverattained,thathecouldseeacenserswinginginthechancel。Indeedthechurchwhich,asmonksbuiltit,isverylargeandfine,wasalwaysfullonSundays,thoughmanyoftheworshipperscamefromfaraway,someofthemdoubtlessoutofcuriositybecauseofitspapisticalrepute,alsobecause,inalearnedfashion,myfather’spreachingwasverygoodindeed。 FormypartIfeelthatIowemuchtotheseHigh—Churchviews。 Theyopenedcertaindoorstomeandtaughtmesomethingofthemysterieswhichlieatthebackofallreligionsandthereforehavetheirhomeintheinspiredsoulofmanwhencereligionsareborn。Onlythepityisthatinninety—ninecasesoutofahundredheneverdiscovers,neverevenguessesatthatentombedaspiration,neversinksashaftdownontothissecretbutmostpreciousveinofore。 Ihavesaidthatmyfatherwaslearned;butthisisamilddescription,forneverdidIknowanyonequitesolearned。Hewasoneofthosemenwhoissogoodallroundthathebecamepreeminent—eminentinnothing。Aclassicofthefirstwater,averyrespectablemathematician,anexpertintheology,astudentofsundryforeignlanguagesandliteratureinhislightermoments,aninquirerintosociology,atheoreticalmusicianthoughhisplayingoftheorganexcruciatedmostpeoplebecauseitwastoocorrect,areallyfirst—classauthorityuponflintinstrumentsandthebestgrowerofgardenvegetablesinthecounty,alsoofapples——suchweresomeofhisattainments。Thatwaswhatmadehissermonssopopular,sinceattimesoneortheotherofthesesubjectswouldbreakoutintothem,histheorybeingthatGodspoketousthroughallofthesethings。 ButifIbegantodriftintoananalysisofmyfather’sabilities,Ishouldneverstop。Itwouldtakeabooktodescribethem。Andyetmarkthis,withthemallhisnameisasdeadtotheworldto—dayasthoughhehadneverbeen。Lightreflectedfromahundredfacetsdissipatesitselfinspaceandislost;thatconcentratedinonetremendousraypiercestothestars。 NowIamgoingtobefrankaboutmyself,forwithoutfranknesswhatisthevalueofsucharecordasthis?Thenitbecomessimplyanotherconvention,orratherconventionalmethodofexpressingtheoctoroonkindoftruthswithwhichthehighlycivilisedracesfeedthemselves,asfastidiousladieseatcakesandbreadfromwhichallbutthesmallestparticleofnourishmenthasbeenextracted。 Thefactis,therefore,thatIinheritedmostofmyfather’sabilities,excepthisloveforflintinstrumentswhichalwaysboredmetodistraction,becausealthoughtheyarebyassociationreallythemosthumanofthings,somehowtometheyneverconveyanyideaofhumanity。InadditionIhaveapracticalsidewhichhelacked;hadhepossesseditsurelyhemusthavebecomeanarchbishopinsteadofdyingthevicarofanunknownparish。AlsoIhaveaspiritualsense,mayhapmysticalwouldbeabetterterm,whichwithallthisreligionwasmissingfrommyfather’snature。 ForIthinkthatnotwithstandinghischarityanddevotionheneverquitegotawayfromtheshellofthings,nevercrackeditandsethisteethinthekernelwhichalonecanfeedoursouls。 Hiskeenintellect,totakeanexample,recognisedeveryoneofthedifficultiesofourfaithandflashedhitherandthitherinthedarkness,seekingexplanation,seekinglight,tryingtoreconcile,toexplain。HewasnotgreatenoughtoputallthisasideandgostraighttotheinformingSoulbeneaththatstrivestoexpressitselfeverywhere,eventhroughthosehuskswhicharecalledtheWorld,theFleshandtheDevil,andasyetdoesnotalwaysquitesucceed。 Itisthisbogglingoverexteriors,thispeeringintopitfalls,thisdesiretoprovethatwhatsuchsensesaswehavetellusisimpossible,isinfactpossible,whichcausestheoverthrowofmanyanearnest,seekingheartandrendersitswork,conductedonfalselines,quitenugatory。ThesewilltrusttothemselvesandtheirownintelligenceandnotbecontenttospringfromthecliffsofhumanexperienceintotheeverlastingarmsofthatInfinitewhicharestretchedouttoreceivethemandtogivethemrestandthekeysofknowledge。Whenwillmanlearnwhatwastaughttohimofold,thatfaithistheonlyplankwherewithhecanfloatuponthisseaandthathismiserableworksavailhimnothing;alsothatitisaplankmadeofmanysortsofwood,perhapstosuitourdifferentweights? Sotobehonest,inasenseIbelievemyselftobemyfather’ssuperior,andIknowthatheagreedwithme。PerhapsthisisowingtothebloodofmyScotchmotherwhichmixedwellwithhisown;perhapsbecausetheessentialspiritgiventome,thoughcastinhismould,wasinfactquitedifferent——orofanotheralloy。Dowe,Iwonder,reallyunderstandthattherearemillionsandbillionsofthesealloys,somanyindeedthatNature,orwhateverisbehindNature,neverusesthesametwiceover?Thatiswhynotwohumanbeingsareoreverwillbequiteidentical。 Theirflesh,thebodyoftheirhumiliation,isidenticalinall,anychemistwillproveittoyou,butthatwhichanimatesthefleshisdistinctanddifferentbecauseitcomesfromthehomeofthatinfinitevarietywhichisnecessarytotheultimateevolutionofthegoodandbadthatwesymboliseasheavenandhell。 Further,Ihadandtoacertainextentstillhaveanotheradvantageovermyfather,whichcertainlycametomefrommymother,whowas,asIjudgefromalldescriptionsandsuchlikenessesasremainofher,anextremelyhandsomewoman。Iwasbornmuchbetterlooking。Hewassmallanddark,alittlemanwithdeep—seteyesandbeetlingbrows。Iamalsodark,buttallabovetheaverage,andwellmade。IdonotknowthatIneedsaymoreaboutmypersonalappearance,tomenotaveryattractivesubject,butthefactremainsthattheycalledme\"handsomeHumphrey\"attheUniversity,andIwasthecaptainofmycollegeboatandwonmanyprizesatathleticsportswhenIhadtimetotrainforthem。 UntilIwentuptoOxfordmyfathereducatedme,partlybecauseheknewthathecoulddoitbetterthananyoneelse,andpartlytosaveschoolexpenses。Theexperimentwasverysuccessful,asmyloveofalloutdoorsportsandofanysmallhazardousadventurethatcametomyhand,alsoofassociatingwithfisherfolkwhomthedangersofthedeepmakemenamongmen,savedmefrombecomingamilksop。FortherestIlearnedmorefrommyfather,whomIalwaysdesiredtopleasebecauseIlovedhim,thanI shouldhavedoneatthebestandmostcostlyofschools。ThiswasshownwhenatlastIwenttocollegewithascholarship,forthereIdidverywellindeed,assearchwouldstillreveal。 HereIhadbettersetoutsomeofmyshortcomings,whichintheirsumhavemadeafailureofme。Yes,afailureinthehighestsense,thoughItrustwhatStevensoncalls\"afaithfulfailure。\"Thesehavetheirrootinfastidiousnessandthatlackofperseverance,whichreallymeansalackoffaith,againusingthewordinitshigherandwidersense。Forifonehadrealfaithonewouldalwayspersevere,knowingthatineveryworkundertakenwithhighaim,thereisanelementofnobility,howeverhumbleandunrecognisedthatworkmayseemtobe。GodafterallistheGodofWork,itiswrittenlargeuponthefaceoftheUniverse。I willnotexpanduponthethought;itwouldleadmetoofarafield,butthosewhohaveunderstandingwillknowwhatImean。 AsregardswhatIinterpretasfastidiousness,thisisnotveryeasytoexpress。Perhapsadefinitionwillhelp。Iamlikeamanwithanover—developedsenseofsmell,whowhenwalkingthroughaforeigncity,howevercleanandwellkept,canalwayscatchtheevilsavoursthatareinseparablefromsuchcities。More,hiskeenperceptionoftheminterfereswithallotherperceptionsandspoilshiswalks。Theresultisthatinafteryears,wheneverhethinksofthatbeautifulcity,heremembers,notitshistoricbuildingsoritswideboulevards,orwhateverithastoboast,butratheritsancient,fish—likesmell。Atleastheremembersthatfirstowingtothisdefectinhistemperament。 Soitiswitheverything。Alovelywomanisspoiledforsuchaonebecausesheeatstoomuchorhastoohighavoice;hedoesnotcareforhisshootingbecausethesceneryisflat,orforhisfishingbecausethegnatsbiteaswellasthetrout。Inshortheisoutoftunewiththeworldasitis。Moreover,thisisaqualitywhich,whereitexists,cannotbeovercome;itaffectsday—labourersaswellasgentlemenatlarge。Itisbredinthebone。 Probablythesecondfailure—breedingfault,lackofperseverance,hasitsrootsinthefirst,atanyrateinmycase。 Atleastonleavingcollegewithsomereputation,IwascalledtotheBarwhere,owingtocertainsolicitorandotherconnections,Ihadagoodopening。Also,owingtotheexcellenceofmymemoryandpowersofwork,Ibeganverywell,makingmoneyevenduringmyfirstyear。Then,asithappened,acertaincasecamemywayand,myleaderfallingillsuddenlyafteritwasopened,wasleftinmyhands。ThemanwhosecauseIwaspleadingwas,Ithink,oneofthebiggestscoundrelsitispossibletoconceive。Itwasawillcaseandifhewon,theeffectwouldbetobeggartwomostestimablemiddle—agedwomenwhowerejustlyentitledtotheproperty,towhichendpersonallyIamconvincedhehadcommittedforgery;theperjurythataccompanieditIdonotevenmention。 Well,hedidwin,thankstome,andtheestimablemiddle—agedladieswerebeggared,andasIheardafterwards,driventosuchextremitiesthatoneofthemdiedofhermiseryandtheotherbecamealodging—housekeeper。Thedetailsdonotmatter,butI mayexplainthattheseladieswereunattractiveinappearanceandmannerandbrokedownbeneathmycross—examinationwhichmadethemappeartobetellingfalsehoods,whereastheywereonlycompletelyconfused。Further,Iinventedaningenioustheoryofthefactswhich,althoughthejudgeregardeditwithsuspicion,convincedanunusuallystupidjurywhogavemetheirverdict。 EverybodycongratulatedmeandatthetimeIwastriumphant,especiallyasmyleaderhaddeclaredthatourcasewasimpossible。Afterwards,however,myconsciencesmotemesorely,somuchsothatarguingfromthefalsepremiseofthisbusiness,IcametotheconclusionthatthepracticeoftheLawwasnotsuitedtoanhonestman。IdidnottakethelargeviewthatsuchmattersaveragethemselvesupandthatifIhaddoneharminthisinstance,Imightlivetodogoodinmanyothers,andperhapsbecomeajustjudge,evenagreatjudge。HereImaymentionthatinafteryears,whenIgrewrich,Irescuedthatsurvivingoldladyfromherlodging—house,althoughtothisdayshedoesnotknowthenameofheranonymousfriend。Sobydegrees,withoutsayinganything,forIkeptonmychambers,Islippedoutofpractice,tothegreatdisappointmentofeverybodyconnectedwithme,andtooktoauthorship。 Amarvelcametopass,myfirstbookwasanenormoussuccess。 Thewholeworldtalkedofit。Aleadingjournal,delightedtohavediscoveredsomeone,wroteitup;otherjournalsfollowedsuittobeinthemovement。Oneofthem,Iremember,whichhadalreadydismisseditwiththreeorfoursneeringlines,cameoutwithasecondandtwo—columnnotice。ItsoldlikewildfireandI supposehadsomemerits,foritisstillread,thoughfewknowthatIwroteit,sincefortunatelyitwaspublishedunderapseudonym。 AgainIwasmuchelatedandsettoworktowriteanotherand,asIbelieve,amuchbetterbook。Butjealousieshadbeenexcitedbythisleapingintofameofatotallyunknownperson,whichwere,moreover,accentuatedthroughafoolisharticlethatI publishedinanswertosomecriticisms,whereinIspokemymindwithaninsanefreedomandbitingsarcasm。IndeedIwasevenmadenoughtoquotenamesandtogivetheexampleoftheverypowerfuljournalwhichatfirstcarpedatmyworkandthengushedoveritwhenitbecamethefashion。Allofthismadememanybitterenemies,asIfoundoutwhenmynextbookappeared。 Itwastorntoshreds,itwasreviledassubversiveofmoralityandreligion,goodarrowsinthosedays。Itwascalledpuerile,half—educatedstuff——Ihalf—educated!More,anutterlyfalsechargeofplagiarismwascookedupagainstmeandsowellandvenomouslyrunthatvastnumbersofpeopleconcludedthatIwasathiefofthelowestorder。Lastly,myfather,fromwhomthesecretcouldnolongerbekept,sternlydisapprovedofboththesebookswhichIadmitwerewrittenfromaveryradicalandsomewhatanti—churchpointofview。Theresultwasourfirstquarrelandbeforeitwasmadeup,hediedsuddenly。 Nowagainfastidiousnessandmylackofperseverancedidtheirwork,andsolemnlyIsworethatIwouldneverwriteanotherbook,anoathwhichIhavekepttillthismoment,atleastsofaraspublicationisconcerned,andnowbreakonlybecauseIconsideritmydutysotodoandamnotanimatedbyanypecuniaryobject。 Thuscametoanendmysecondattemptatcarvingoutacareer。 BynowIhadgrownsavageandcynical,ratherrevengefulalso,I fear。Knowingmyselftopossessconsiderableabilitiesinsundrydirections,Isatdown,asitwere,tothinkthingsoveranddigestmypastexperiences。Thenitwasthatthetruthofaveryancientadagestruckuponmymind,namely,thatmoneyispower。 HadIsufficientmoneyIcouldlaughatunjustcriticsforexample;indeedtheyortheirpaperswouldscarcelydaretocriticisemeforfearlestitshouldbeinmypowertodothemabadturn。AgainIcouldfollowmyownideasinlifeandperhapsworkgoodintheworld,andliveinsuchsurroundingsascommendedthemselvestome。Itwasasclearasdaylight,but——howtomakethemoney? Ihadsomecapitalastheresultofmyfather’sdeath,about?,000inall,plusalittlemorethatmytwobookshadbroughtin。InwhatwaycouldIemployittothebestadvantage?I rememberedthatacousinofmyfatherandthereforemyown,wasasuccessfulstock—broker,alsothattherehadbeensomeaffectionbetweenthem。Iwenttohim,hewasagood,easy—naturedmanwhowasfranklygladtoseeme,andofferedtoput?,000intohisbusiness,forIwasnotmindedtoriskeverythingIhad,ifhewouldgivemeashareintheprofits。Helaughedheartilyatmyaudacity。 \"Why,myboy,\"hesaid,\"beingtotallyinexperiencedatthisgame,youmightloseusmorethanthatinamonth。ButIlikeyourcourage,Ilikeyourcourage,andthetruthisthatIdowanthelp。Iwillthinkitoverandwritetoyou。\" HethoughtitoverandintheendofferedtotrymeforayearatafixedsalarywithapromiseofsomekindofapartnershipifIsuitedhim。Meanwhilemy?,000remainedinmypocket。 Iaccepted,notwithoutreluctancesincewiththeimpatienceofyouthIwantedeverythingatonce。Iworkedhardinthatofficeandsoonmasteredthebusiness,formyknowledgeoffigures——I hadtakenafirst—classmathematicaldegreeatcollege——cametomyaid,asinawaydidmyacquaintancewithLawandLiterature。 MoreoverIhadacertainaptitudeforwhatiscalledhighfinance。Further,Fortune,asusual,showedmeafavourableface。 InoneyearIgotthepartnershipwithasmallshareinthelargeprofitsofthebusiness。Intwothepartnerabovemeretired,andItookhisplacewithathirdshareofthefirm。Inthreemycousin,satisfiedthatitwasinablehands,begantoceasehisattendanceattheofficeandbetookhimselftogardeningwhichwashishobby。InfourIpaidhimoutaltogether,althoughtodothisIhadtoborrowmoneyonourcredit,forbyagreementthetitleofthefirmwascontinued。Thencamethatextraordinarytimeofboomwhichmanywillremembertotheircost。Imadeaboldstrokeandwon。OnacertainSaturdaywhenthebooksweremadeup,Ifoundthatafterdischargingallliabilities,Ishouldnotbeworthmorethan?0,000。OnthefollowingSaturdaybuttwowhenthebooksweremadeup,Iwasworth?53,000!L’appetitvientenmangeant。Itseemednothingtomewhensomanywereworthmillions。 ForthenextyearIworkedasfewhavedone,andwhenIstruckabalanceattheendofit,IfoundthatonthemostconservativeestimateIwastheownerofamillionandahalfinhardcash,oritsequivalent。IwassotiredoutthatIrememberthisdiscoverydidnotexcitemeatall。Ifeltutterlywearyofallwealth— huntingandoftheCityanditsways。Moreovermyoldfastidiousnessandlackofperseverancere—assertedthemselves。I reflected,ratherlateinthedayperhaps,ontheruinthatthisspeculationwasbringingtothousands,ofwhichsomelamentableinstanceshadrecentlycometomynotice,andoncemoreconsideredwhetheritwereasuitablecareerforanuprightman。 Ihadwealth;whyshouldInottakeitandenjoylife? Also——andheremybusinessacumencamein,Iwassurethatthesetimescouldnotlast。Itiseasytomakemoneyonarisingmarket,butwhenitisfallingthematterisverydifferent。InfiveminutesImadeupmymind。Isentformyjuniorpartners,forIhadtakenintwo,andtoldthemthatIintendedtoretireatonce。Theyweredismayedbothatmyloss,forreallyIwasthefirm,andbecause,astheypointedout,ifIwithdrewallmycapital,therewouldnotbesufficientlefttoenablethemtocarryon。 Oneofthem,abluntandhonestman,saidtomyfacethatitwouldbedishonourableofmetodoso。Iwasinclinedtoanswerhimsharply,thenrememberedthathiswordsweretrue。 \"Verywell,\"Isaid,\"Iwillleaveyou?00,000onwhichyoushallpaymefivepercentinterest,butnoshareoftheprofits。\" Onthesetermswedissolvedthepartnershipandinayeartheyhadlostthe?00,000,fortheslumpcamewithavengeance。Itsavedthem,however,andto—daytheyareearningareasonableincome。ButIhaveneveraskedthemforthat?00,000。 ChapterII BastinandBickleyBeholdmeoncemoreamanwithoutanoccupation,butnowthepossessorofabout?00,000。Itwasaveryconsiderablefortune,ifnotalargeoneinEngland;nothinglikethemillionsofwhichIhaddreamed,butstillenough。Tomakethemostofitandtobesurethatitremained,Iinvesteditverywell,mostlyinlargemortgagesatfourpercentwhich,ifthesecurityisgood,donotdepreciateincapitalvalue。NeveragaindidItouchasinglespeculativestock,whodesiredtothinknomoreaboutmoney。ItwasatthistimethatIboughttheFulcombeproperty。 Itcostmeabout?20,000ofmycapital,orwithalterations,repairs,etc。,say?50,000,onwhichsumitmaypayanettwoandahalfpercent,notmore。 This?,700oddIhavealwaysdevotedtotheupkeepoftheplace,whichisthereforeinfirst—rateorder。TherestIliveon,orsave。 Thesearrangements,withthebeautifyingandfurnishingofthehouseandtherestorationofthechurchinmemoryofmyfather,occupiedandamusedmeforayearorso,butwhentheywerefinishedtimebegantohangheavyonmyhands。Whatwastheuseofpossessingabout?0,000ayearwhentherewasnothinguponwhichitcouldbespent?Forafterallmyownwantswerefewandsimpleandtheacquisitionofvaluablepicturesandcostlyfurnitureislimitedbyspace。Oh!inmysmallwayIwaslikethewearyKingEcclesiast。ForItoomademegreatworksandhadpossessionsofgreatandsmallcattle(Itriedfarmingandlostmoneyoverit!)andgatheredmesilverandgoldandthepeculiartreasureofkings,whichIpresumemeanswhateveramaninauthoritychieflydesires,andsoforth。But\"beholdallwasvanityandvexationofspirit,andtherewasnoprofitunderthesun。\" So,notwithstandingmywealthandhealthandthedeferencewhichistherichman’sportion,especiallywhenthelimitofhisrichesisnotknown,itcameaboutthatItoo\"hatedlife,\"andthiswhenIwasnotmuchoverthirty。Ididnotknowwhattodo; forSocietyasthewordisgenerallyunderstood,Ihadnotaste; itboredme;horse—racingandcardsIloathed,whohadalreadygambledtoomuchonabigscale。Thekillingofcreaturesunderthenameofsportpalleduponme,indeedIbegantodoubtifitwereright,whiletheofficeofajuniorcountymagistrateinaplacewheretherewasnocrime,onlyoccupiedmeanhourortwoamonth。 Lastlymyneighbourswerefewandwithallduedeferencetothem,extremelydull。AtleastIcouldnotunderstandthembecauseinthemtheredidnotseemtobeanythingtounderstand,andIamquitecertainthattheydidnotunderstandme。More,whentheycametolearnthatIwasradicalinmyviewsandhadwrittencertain\"dreadful\"andsomewhatsocialisticbooksintheformoffiction,theybothfearedandmistrustedmeasanenemytotheirparticularsectionoftherace。AsIhadnotmarriedandshowednoinclinationtodoso,theirwomenkindalso,outoftheirintimateknowledge,proclaimedthatIledanimmorallife,thoughalittlereflectionwouldhaveshownthemthattherewasnooneintheneighbourhoodwhichforatimeIseldomleft,whocouldpossiblyhavetemptedaneducatedcreaturetosuchcourses。 Terribleisthelotofamanwho,whilestillyoungandpossessingtheintellectnecessarytoachievement,isdeprivedofallambition。AndIhadnoneatall。Ididnotevenwishtopurchaseapeerageorabaronetcyinthisfashionorinthat,and,asinmyfather’scase,mytastesweresomanyandsocatholicthatIcouldnotlosemyselfinanyoneofthem。Theyneverbecamemorethandiversionstome。Ahobbyisonlyreallyamusingwhenitbecomesanobsession。 AtlengthmylonesomefriendlinessoppressedmesomuchthatI tookstepstomitigateit。InmycollegelifeIhadtwoparticularfriendswhomIthinkImusthaveselectedbecausetheyweresoabsolutelydifferentfrommyself。