第18章

类别:其他 作者:Edith Wharton字数:9814更新时间:19/01/07 14:28:10
\"Oh————\"Annacried,andhidherface。 Thegirlwalkedacrosstheroomandpausedagaininthedoorway。Fromtheresheflungback:\"Iwantedit——Ichoseit。Hewasgoodtome——nooneeverwassogood!\" Thedoor—handleturned,andAnnaheardhergo。 XXIX Herfirstthoughtwas:\"He’sgoingtooinafewhours——I needn’tseehimagainbeforeheleaves……\"AtthatmomentthepossibilityofhavingtolookinDarrow’sfaceandhearhimspeakseemedtohermoreunendurablethananythingelseshecouldimagine。Then,onthenextwaveoffeeling,camethedesiretoconfronthimatonceandwringfromhimsheknewnotwhat:avowal,denial,justification,anythingthatshouldopensomechannelofescapetothefloodofherpent— upanguish。 ShehadtoldOwenshewastired,andthisseemedasufficientreasonforremainingupstairswhenthemotorcametothedoorandMissPainterandSophyVinerwereborneoffinit;sufficientalsoforsendingwordtoMadamedeChantellethatshewouldnotcomedowntillafterluncheon。 Havingdespatchedhermaidwiththismessage,shelaydownonhersofaandstaredbeforeherintodarkness…… Shehadbeenunhappybefore,andthevisionofoldmiseriesflockedlikehungryghostsaboutherfreshpain:sherecalledheryouthfuldisappointment,thefailureofhermarriage,thewastedyearsthatfollowed;butthosewerenegativesorrows,denialsandpostponementsoflife。Sheseemedinnowayrelatedtotheirshadowyvictim,shewhowasstretchedonthisfieryrackoftheirreparable。Shehadsufferedbefore——yes,butlucidly,reflectively,elegiacally:nowshewassufferingasahurtanimalmust,blindly,furiously,withthesinglefierceanimallongingthattheawfulpainshouldstop…… Sheheardhermaidknock,andshehidherfaceandmadenoanswer。Theknockingcontinued,andthedisciplineofhabitatlengthmadeherliftherhead,composeherfaceandholdoutherhandtothenotethewomanbroughther。ItwasawordfromDarrow——\"MayIseeyou?\"——andshesaidatonce,inavoicethatsoundedthinandempty:\"AskMr。Darrowtocomeup。\" Themaidenquiredifshewishedtohaveherhairsmoothedfirst,andsheansweredthatitdidn’tmatter;butwhenthedoorhadclosed,theinstinctofpridedrewhertoherfeetandshelookedatherselfintheglassabovethemantelpieceandpassedherhandsoverherhair。Hereyeswereburningandherfacelookedtiredandthinner;otherwiseshecouldseenochangeinherappearance,andshewonderedthatatsuchamomentherbodyshouldseemasunrelatedtotheselfthatwrithedwithinherasifithadbeenastatueorapicture。 ThemaidreopenedthedoortoshowinDarrow,andhepausedamomentonthethreshold,asifwaitingforAnnatospeak。 Hewasextremelypale,buthelookedneitherashamednoruncertain,andshesaidtoherself,withaperversethrillofappreciation:\"He’sasproudasIam。\" Aloudsheasked:\"Youwantedtoseeme?\" \"Naturally,\"herepliedinagravevoice。 \"Don’t!It’suseless。Iknoweverything。Nothingyoucansaywillhelp。\" Atthedirectaffirmationheturnedevenpaler,andhiseyes,whichhekeptresolutelyfixedonher,confessedhismisery。 \"Youallowmenovoiceindecidingthat?\" \"Decidingwhat?\" \"Thatthere’snothingmoretobesaid?\"Hewaitedforhertoanswer,andthenwenton:\"Idon’tevenknowwhatyoumeanby’everything’。\" \"Oh,Idon’tknowwhatmorethereis!Iknowenough。I imploredhertodenyit,andshecouldn’t……WhatcanyouandIhavetosaytoeachother?\"Hervoicebrokeintoasob。 Theanimalanguishwasuponheragain——justablindcryagainstherpain! Darrowkepthisheadhighandhiseyessteady。\"Itmustbeasyouwish;andyetit’snotlikeyoutobeafraid。\" \"Afraid?\" \"Totalkthingsout——tofacethem。\" \"It’sforYOUtofacethis——notme!\" \"AllIaskistofaceit——butwithyou。\"Oncemorehepaused。\"Won’tyoutellmewhatMissVinertoldyou?\" \"Oh,she’sgenerous——totheutmost!\"Thepaincaughtherlikeaphysicalthroe。Itsuddenlycametoherhowthegirlmusthavelovedhimtobesogenerous——whatmemoriestheremustbebetweenthem! \"Oh,go,pleasego。It’stoohorrible。WhyshouldIhavetoseeyou?\"shestammered,liftingherhandstohereyes。 Withherfacehiddenshewaitedtohearhimmoveaway,tohearthedooropenandcloseagain,as,afewhoursearlier,ithadopenedandclosedonSophyViner。ButDarrowmadenosoundormovement:hetoowaswaiting。Annafeltathrillofresentment:hispresencewasanoutrageonhersorrow,ahumiliationtoherpride。Itwasstrangethatheshouldwaitforhertotellhimso! \"YouwantmetoleaveGivre?\"heaskedatlength。Shemadenoanswer,andhewenton:\"OfcourseI’lldoasyouwish; butifIgonowamInottoseeyouagain?\" Hisvoicewasfirm:hispridewasansweringherpride! Shefaltered:\"Youmustseeit’suseless————\" \"Imightremindyouthatyou’redismissingmewithoutahearing————\" \"Withoutahearing?I’veheardyouboth!\" ————\"butIwon’t,\"hecontinued,\"remindyouofthat,orofanythingoranyonebutOwen。\" \"Owen?\" \"Yes;ifwecouldsomehowsparehim————\" Shehaddroppedherhandsandturnedherstartledeyesonhim。ItseemedtoheranagesinceshehadthoughtofOwen! \"Yousee,don’tyou,\"Darrowcontinued,\"thatifyousendmeawaynow————\" Sheinterrupted:\"Yes,Isee————\"andtherewasalongsilencebetweenthem。Atlengthshesaid,verylow:\"I don’twantanyoneelsetosufferasI’msuffering……\" \"OwenknowsImeanttoleavetomorrow,\"Darrowwenton。\"Anysuddenchangeofplanmaymakehimthink……\" Oh,shesawhisinevitablelogic:thehorrorofitwasoneverysideofher!IthadseemedpossibletocontrolhergriefandfaceDarrowcalmlywhileshewasupheldbythebeliefthatthiswastheirlasthourtogether,thatafterhehadpassedoutoftheroomtherewouldbenofearofseeinghimagain,nofearthathisnearness,hislook,hisvoice,andalltheunseeninfluencesthatflowedfromhim,woulddissolvehersoultoweakness。ButhercouragefailedattheideaofhavingtoconspirewithhimtoshieldOwen,ofkeepingupwithhim,forOwen’ssake,afeintofunionandfelicity。ToliveatDarrow’ssideinseemingintimacyandharmonyforanothertwenty—fourhoursseemedharderthantolivewithouthimforalltherestofherdays。Herstrengthfailedher,andshethrewherselfdownandburiedhersobsinthecushionswhereshehadsooftenhiddenafaceaglowwithhappiness。 \"Anna————\"Hisvoicewasclosetoher。\"Letmetalktoyouquietly。It’snotworthyofeitherofustobeafraid。\" Wordsofendearmentwouldhaveoffendedher;butherheartroseatthecalltohercourage。 \"I’venodefensetomake,\"hewenton。\"Thefactsaremiserableenough;butatleastIwantyoutoseethemastheyare。Aboveall,IwantyoutoknowthetruthaboutMissViner————\" ThenamesentthebloodtoAnna’sforehead。Sheraisedherheadandfacedhim。\"WhyshouldIknowmoreofherthanwhatshe’stoldme?Ineverwishtohearhernameagain!\" \"It’sbecauseyoufeelaboutherinthatwaythatIaskyou——inthenameofcommoncharity——toletmegiveyouthefactsastheyare,andnotasyou’veprobablyimaginedthem。\" \"I’vetoldyouIdon’tthinkuncharitablyofher。Idon’twanttothinkofheratall!\" \"That’swhyItellyouyou’reafraid。\" \"Afraid?\" \"Yes。You’vealwayssaidyouwanted,aboveall,tolookatlife,atthehumanproblem,asitis,withoutfearandwithouthypocrisy;andit’snotalwaysapleasantthingtolookat。\"Hebrokeoff,andthenbeganagain:\"Don’tthinkthisapleaformyself!Idon’twanttosayawordtolessenmyoffense。Idon’twanttotalkofmyselfatall。EvenifIdid,Iprobablycouldn’tmakeyouunderstand——Idon’t,myself,asIlookback。Bejusttome——it’syourright;allIaskyouistobegeneroustoMissViner……\" Shestooduptrembling。\"You’refreetobeasgeneroustoherasyouplease!\" \"Yes:you’vemadeitcleartomethatI’mfree。Butthere’snothingIcandoforherthatwillhelpherhalfasmuchasyourunderstandingherwould。\" \"Nothingyoucandoforher?Youcanmarryher!\" Hisfacehardened。\"Youcertainlycouldn’twishheraworsefate!\" \"Itmusthavebeenwhatsheexpected……reliedon……\"Hewassilent,andshebrokeout:\"Orwhatisshe?Whatareyou? It’stoohorrible!Onyourwayhere……toME……\"Shefeltthetearsinherthroatandstopped。 \"Thatwasit,\"hesaidbluntly。Shestaredathim。 \"Iwasonmywaytoyou——afterrepeateddelaysandpostponementsofyourownmaking。Attheverylastyouturnedmebackwithamereword——andwithoutexplanation。I waitedforaletter;andnonecame。I’mnotsayingthistojustifymyself。I’msimplytryingtomakeyouunderstand。 Ifelthurtandbitterandbewildered。Ithoughtyoumeanttogivemeup。Andsuddenly,inmyway,Ifoundsomeonetobesorryfor,tobeofuseto。That,Isweartoyou,wasthewayitbegan。Therestwasamoment’sfolly……aflashofmadness……assuchthingsare。We’veneverseeneachothersince……\" Annawaslookingathimcoldly。\"Yousufficientlydescribeherinsayingthat!\" \"Yes,ifyoumeasureherbyconventionalstandards——whichiswhatyoualwaysdeclareyouneverdo。\" \"Conventionalstandards?Agirlwho————\"Shewascheckedbyasuddenrushofalmostphysicalrepugnance。Suddenlyshebrokeout:\"Ialwaysthoughtheranadventuress!\" \"Always?\" \"Idon’tmeanalways……butafteryoucame……\" \"She’snotanadventuress。\" \"Youmeanthatsheprofessestoactonthenewtheories?Thestuffthatawfulwomenraveaboutonplatforms?\" \"Oh,Idon’tthinkshepretendedtohaveatheory————\" \"Shehadn’teventhatexcuse?\" \"Shehadtheexcuseofherloneliness,herunhappiness——ofmiseriesandhumiliationsthatawomanlikeyoucan’tevenguess。Shehadnothingtolookbacktobutindifferenceorunkindness——nothingtolookforwardtobutanxiety。ShesawIwassorryforherandittouchedher。Shemadetoomuchofit——sheexaggeratedit。Ioughttohaveseenthedanger,butIdidn’t。There’snopossibleexcuseforwhatIdid。\" Annalistenedtohiminspeechlessmisery。Everywordhespokethrewbackadisintegratinglightontheirownpast。 Hehadcometoherwithanopenfaceandaclearconscience——cometoherfromthis!Ifhissecuritywasthesecurityoffalsehooditwashorrible;ifitmeantthathehadforgotten,itwasworse。Shewouldhavelikedtostopherears,toclosehereyes,toshutouteverysightandsoundandsuggestionofaworldinwhichsuchthingscouldbe;andatthesametimeshewastormentedbythedesiretoknowmore,tounderstandbetter,tofeelherselflessignorantandinexpertinmatterswhichmadesomuchofthestuffofhumanexperience。Whatdidhemeanby\"amoment’sfolly,aflashofmadness\"?Howdidpeopleenteronsuchadventures,howpassoutofthemwithoutmorevisibletracesoftheirhavoc?Herimaginationrecoiledfromthevisionofasuddendebasingfamiliarity:itseemedtoherthatherthoughtswouldneveragainbepure…… \"Isweartoyou,\"sheheardDarrowsaying,\"itwassimplythat,andnothingmore。\" Shewonderedathiscomposure,hiscompetence,athisknowingsoexactlywhattosay。Nodoubtmenoftenhadtomakesuchexplanations:theyhadtheformulasbyheart……A leadenlassitudedescendedonher。Shepassedfromflameandtormentintoacolourlesscoldworldwhereeverythingsurroundingherseemedequallyindifferentandremote。Foramomentshesimplyceasedtofeel。 ShebecameawarethatDarrowwaswaitingforhertospeak,andshemadeanefforttorepresenttoherselfthemeaningofwhathehadjustsaid;buthermindwasasblankasablurredmirror。Finallyshebroughtout:\"Idon’tthinkI understandwhatyou’vetoldme。\" \"No;youdon’tunderstand,\"hereturnedwithsuddenbitterness;andonhislipsthechargeofincomprehensionseemedanoffensetoher。 \"Idon’twantto——aboutsuchthings!\" Heansweredalmostharshly:\"Don’tbeafraid……youneverwill……\"andforaninstanttheyfacedeachotherlikeenemies。Thenthetearsswelledinherthroatathisreproach。 \"YoumeanIdon’tfeelthings——I’mtoohard?\" \"No:you’retoohigh……toofine……suchthingsaretoofarfromyou。\" Hepaused,asifconsciousofthefutilityofgoingonwithwhateverhehadmeanttosay,andagain,forashortspace,theyconfrontedeachother,nolongerasenemies——soitseemedtoher——butasbeingsofdifferentlanguagewhohadforgottenthefewwordstheyhadlearnedofeachother’sspeech。 Darrowbrokethesilence。\"It’sbest,onallaccounts,thatIshouldstaytilltomorrow;butIneedn’tintrudeonyou; weneedn’tmeetagainalone。IonlywanttobesureIknowyourwishes。\"Hespoketheshortsentencesinalevelvoice,asthoughheweresumminguptheresultsofabusinessconference。 Annalookedathimvaguely。\"Mywishes?\" \"AstoOwen———— Atthatshestarted。\"Theymustnevermeetagain!\" \"It’snotlikelytheywill。WhatImeantwas,thatitdependsonyoutosparehim……\" Sheansweredsteadily:\"Heshallneverknow,\"andafteranotherintervalDarrowsaid:\"Thisisgood—bye,then。\" Atthewordsheseemedtounderstandforthefirsttimewhithertheflyingmomentshadbeenleadingthem。Resentmentandindignationdieddown,andallherconsciousnessresolveditselfintothemerevisualsensethathewastherebeforeher,nearenoughforhertoliftherhandandtouchhim,andthatinanotherinstanttheplacewherehestoodwouldbeempty。 Shefeltamortalweakness,acravenimpulsetocryouttohimtostay,alongingtothrowherselfintohisarms,andtakerefugetherefromtheunendurableanguishhehadcausedher。Thenthevisioncalledupanotherthought:\"Ishallneverknowwhatthatgirlhasknown……\"andtherecoilofprideflungherbackonthesharpedgesofheranguish。 \"Good—bye,\"shesaid,indreadlestheshouldreadherface; andshestoodmotionless,herheadhigh,whilehewalkedtothedoorandwentout。 BOOKV XXX AnnaLeath,threedayslater,satinMissPainter’sdrawing— roomintheruedeMatignon。 Comingupprecipitatelythatmorningfromthecountry,shehadreachedParisatoneo’clockandMissPainter’slandingsometenminuteslater。MissPainter’smouldylittleman— servant,dissemblinganapkinunderhisarm,hadmildlyattemptedtoopposeherentrance;butAnna,insisting,hadgonestraighttothedining—roomandsurprisedherfriend—— whoateasfurtivelyascertainanimals——overastrangemealofcoldmuttonandlemonade。Ignoringtheembarrassmentshecaused,shehadsetforththeobjectofherjourney,andMissPainter,alwayshattedandbootedforaction,hadimmediatelyhastenedout,leavinghertothesolitudeofthebarefirelessdrawing—roomwithitseternalslip—coversand\"bowed\"shutters。 InthisinhospitableobscurityAnnahadsataloneforcloseupontwohours。Bothobscurityandsolitudewereacceptabletoher,andimpatientasshewastoheartheresultoftheerrandonwhichshehaddespatchedherhostess,shedesiredstillmoretobealone。Duringherlongmeditationinawhite—swathedchairbeforethemuffledhearthshehadbeenableforthefirsttimetoclearawaythroughthedarknessandconfusionofherthoughts。Thewaydidnotgofar,andherattempttotraceitwasasweakandspasmodicasaconvalescent’sfirsteffortstopickupthethreadofliving。Sheseemedtoherselflikesomeonestrugglingtorisefromalongsicknessofwhichitwouldhavebeensomucheasiertodie。AtGivreshehadfallenintoakindoftorpor,adeadnessofsoultraversedbywildflashesofpain;butwhethershesufferedorwhethershewasnumb,sheseemedequallyremotefromherreallivinganddoingself。 Itwasonlythediscovery——thatverymorning——ofOwen’sunannounceddepartureforParisthathadcaughtheroutofherdreamandforcedherbacktoaction。Thedreadofwhatthisflightmightimply,andoftheconsequencesthatmightresultfromit,hadrousedhertothesenseofherresponsibility,andfromthemomentwhenshehadresolvedtofollowherstep—son,andhadmadeherrapidpreparationsforpursuit,hermindhadbeguntoworkagain,feverishly,fitfully,butstillwithsomethingofitsnormalorder。Inthetrainshehadbeentooagitated,toopreoccupiedwithwhatmightnextawaither,togiveherthoughtstoanythingbuttheturningoverofdreadalternatives;butMissPainter’simperviousnesshadsteadiedher,andwhileshewaitedforthesoundofthelatch—keysheresolutelyreturneduponherself。 Withrespecttoheroutwardcourseshecouldatleasttellherselfthatshehadheldtoherpurpose。Shehad,aspeoplesaid,\"keptup\"duringthetwenty—fourhoursprecedingGeorgeDarrow’sdeparture;hadgonewithacalmfaceaboutherusualbusiness,andevencontrivednottooobviouslytoavoidhim。Then,thenextdaybeforedawn,frombehindtheclosedshutterswhereshehadkeptforhalfthenightherdry—eyedvigil,shehadheardhimdriveofftothetrainwhichbroughtitspassengerstoParisintimefortheCalaisexpress。 Thefactofhistakingthattrain,ofhistravellingsostraightandfarawayfromher,gavetowhathadhappenedtheimplacableoutlineofreality。Hewasgone;hewouldnotcomeback;andherlifehadendedjustasshehaddreameditwasbeginning。Shehadnodoubt,atfirst,astotheabsoluteinevitabilityofthisconclusion。Themanwhohaddrivenawayfromherhouseintheautumndawnwasnotthemanshehadloved;hewasastrangerwithwhomshehadnotasinglethoughtincommon。Itwasterrible,indeed,thatheworethefaceandspokeinthevoiceofherfriend,andthat,aslongashewasunderoneroofwithher,themerewayinwhichhemovedandlookedcouldbridgeatastrokethegulfbetweenthem。That,nodoubt,wasthefaultofherexaggeratedsensibilitytooutwardthings:shewasfrightenedtoseehowitenslavedher。Adayortwobeforeshehadsupposedthesenseofhonourwasherdeepestsentiment:ifshehadsmiledattheconventionsofothersitwasbecausetheyweretootrivial,notbecausetheyweretoograve。Therewerecertaindishonourswithwhichshehadneverdreamedthatanypactcouldbemade:shehadhadanincorruptiblepassionforgoodfaithandfairness。 Shehadsupposedthat,onceDarrowwasgone,onceshewassafefromthedangerofseeingandhearinghim,thishighdevotionwouldsustainher。Shehadbelieveditwouldbepossibletoseparatetheimageofthemanshehadthoughthimfromthatofthemanhewas。ShehadevenforeseenthehourwhenshemightraiseamournfulshrinetothememoryoftheDarrowshehadloved,withoutfearthathisdouble’sshadowwoulddesecrateit。Butnowshehadbeguntounderstandthatthetwomenwerereallyone。TheDarrowsheworshippedwasinseparablefromtheDarrowsheabhorred;andtheinevitableconclusionwasthatbothmustgo,andshebeleftinthedesertofasorrowwithoutmemories…… Butifthefuturewasthusvoid,thepresentwasalltoofull。Neverhadblowmorecomplexrepercussions;andtorememberOwenwastoceasetothinkofherself。Whatimpulse,whatapprehension,hadsenthimsuddenlytoParis? Andwhyhadhethoughtitneedfultoconcealhisgoingfromher?WhenSophyVinerhadleft,ithadbeenwiththeunderstandingthathewastoawaithersummons;anditseemedimprobablethathewouldbreakhispledge,andseekherwithoutleave,unlesshislover’sintuitionhadwarnedhimofsomefreshdanger。Annarecalledhowquicklyhehadreadthealarminherfacewhenhehadrushedbacktohersitting—roomwiththenewsthatMissVinerhadpromisedtoseehimagaininParis。Tobesopromptlyroused,hissuspicionsmusthavebeenbuthalf—asleep;andsincethen,nodoubt,ifsheandDarrowhaddissembled,sohadhe。Toherprouddirectnessitwasdegradingtothinkthattheyhadbeenlivingtogetherlikeenemieswhospyuponeachother’smovements:shefeltadesperatelongingforthedayswhichhadseemedsodullandnarrow,butinwhichshehadwalkedwithherheadhighandhereyesunguarded。 ShehadcomeuptoParishardlyknowingwhatperilshefeared,andstilllesshowshecouldavertit。IfOwenmeanttoseeMissViner——andwhatotherobjectcouldhehave?——theymustalreadybetogether,anditwastoolatetointerfere。IthadindeedoccurredtoAnnathatParismightnotbehisobjectivepoint:thathisrealpurposeinleavingGivrewithoutherknowledgehadbeentofollowDarrowtoLondonandexactthetruthofhim。Buteventoheralarmedimaginationthisseemedimprobable。SheandDarrow,tothelast,hadkeptupsocompleteafeintofharmonythat,whateverOwenhadsurmised,hecouldscarcelyhaveriskedactingonhissuspicions。Ifhestillfelttheneedofanexplanation,itwasalmostcertainlyofSophyVinerthathewouldaskit;anditwasinquestofSophyVinerthatAnnahaddespatchedMissPainter。 ShehadfoundablessedrefugefromherperplexitiesinthestolidAdelaide’sunawareness。OnecouldsoabsolutelycountonMissPainter’sguessingnomorethanonechose,andyetactingastutelyonsuchhintsasonevouchsafedher!Shewaslikeawell—trainedretrieverwhoseinterestinhispreyceaseswhenhelaysitathismaster’sfeet。Anna,onarriving,hadexplainedthatOwen’sunannouncedflighthadmadeherfearsomefreshmisunderstandingbetweenhimselfandMissViner。Intheinterestsofpeaceshehadthoughtitbesttofollowhim;butshehastilyaddedthatshedidnotwishtoseeSophy,butonly,ifpossible,tolearnfromherwhereOwenwas。WiththesebriefinstructionsMissPainterhadstartedout;butshewasawomanofmanyoccupations,andhadgivenhervisitortounderstandthatbeforereturningsheshouldhavetocallonafriendwhohadjustarrivedfromBoston,andafterwarddespatchtoanotherexiledcompatriotasupplyofcranberriesandbrandiedpeachesfromtheAmericangroceryintheChampsElysees。 Gradually,asthemomentspassed,Annabegantofeelthereactionwhich,inmomentsofextremenervoustension,followsonanyeffortofthewill。Sheseemedtohavegoneasfarashercouragewouldcarryher,andsheshrankmoreandmorefromthethoughtofMissPainter’sreturn,sincewhateverinformationthelatterbroughtwouldnecessitatesomefreshdecision。WhatshouldshesaytoOwenifshefoundhim?Whatcouldshesaythatshouldnotbetraytheonethingshewouldgiveherlifetohidefromhim?\"Giveherlife\"——howthephrasederidedher!Itwasagiftshewouldnothavebestowedonherworstenemy。ShewouldnothavehadSophyVinerlivethehoursshewaslivingnow…… Shetriedagaintolooksteadilyandcalmlyatthepicturethattheimageofthegirlevoked。Shehadanideathatsheoughttoaccustomherselftoitscontemplation。Iflifewaslikethat,whythesooneronegotusedtoitthebetter……Butno!Lifewasnotlikethat。Heradventurewasahideousaccident。Shedreadedaboveallthetemptationtogeneralisefromherowncase,todoubtthehighthingsshehadlivedbyandseekacheapsolaceinbelittlingwhatfatehadrefusedher。Therewassuchloveasshehaddreamed,andshemeanttogoonbelievinginit,andcherishingthethoughtthatshewasworthyofit。Whathadhappenedtoherwasgrotesqueandmeanandmiserable;butsheherselfwasnoneofthesethings,andnever,neverwouldshemakeofherselfthemockthatfatehadmadeofher