I
WHATICONSIDERTOHAVEBEENTHEBEGINNINGOFMYYOUTH
IhavesaidthatmyfriendshipwithDimitriopenedupformeanewviewofmylifeandofitsaimandrelations。Theessenceofthatviewlayintheconvictionthatthedestinyofmanistostriveformoralimprovement，andthatsuchimprovementisatonceeasy，possible，andlasting。Hitherto，however，IhadfoundpleasureonlyinthenewideaswhichIdiscoveredtoarisefromthatconviction，andintheformingofbrilliantplansforamoral，activefuture，whileallthetimemylifehadbeencontinuingalongitsoldpetty，muddled，pleasure-seekingcourse，andthesamevirtuousthoughtswhichIandmyadoredfriendDimitri（\"myownmarvellousMitia，\"asIusedtocallhimtomyselfinawhisper）hadbeenwonttoexchangewithoneanotherstillpleasedmyintellect，butleftmysensibilityuntouched。
NeverthelesstherecameamomentwhenthosethoughtssweptintomyheadwithasuddenfreshnessandforceofmoralrevelationwhichleftmeaghastattheamountoftimewhichIhadbeenwasting，andmademefeelasthoughImustatonce——thatverysecond——applythosethoughtstolife，withthefirmintentionofneveragainchangingthem。
ItisfromthatmomentthatIdatethebeginningofmyyouth。
Iwasthennearlysixteen。Tutorsstillattendedtogivemelessons，St。Jeromestillactedasgeneralsupervisorofmyeducation，and，willy-nilly，IwasbeingpreparedfortheUniversity。Inadditiontomystudies，myoccupationsincludedcertainvaguedreamingsandponderings，anumberofgymnasticexercisestomakemyselfthefinestathleteintheworld，agooddealofaimless，thoughtlesswanderingthroughtheroomsofthehouse（butmoreespeciallyalongthemaidservants’corridor），andmuchlookingatmyselfinthemirror。Fromthelatter，however，I
alwaysturnedawaywithavaguefeelingofdepression，almostofrepulsion。NotonlydidIfeelsurethatmyexteriorwasugly，butIcouldderivenocomfortfromanyoftheusualconsolationsundersuchcircumstances。Icouldnotsay，forinstance，thatI
hadatleastanexpressive，clever，orrefinedface，fortherewasnothingwhateverexpressiveaboutit。Itsfeatureswereofthemosthumdrum，dull，andunbecomingtype，withsmallgreyeyeswhichseemedtome，wheneverIregardedtheminthemirror，tobestupidratherthanclever。OfmanlybearingIpossessedevenless，since，althoughIwasnotexactlysmallofstature，andhad，moreover，plentyofstrengthformyyears，everyfeatureinmyfacewasofthemeek，sleepy-looking，indefinitetype。Evenrefinementwaslackinginit，since，onthecontrary，itpreciselyresembledthatofasimple-lookingmoujik，whileIalsohadthesamebighandsandfeetashe。Atthetime，allthisseemedtomeveryshameful。
II
SPRINGTIME
EasteroftheyearwhenIenteredtheUniversityfelllateinApril，sothattheexaminationswerefixedforSt。Thomas’sWeek，[Easterweek。]andIhadtospendGoodFridayinfastingandfinallygettingmyselfreadyfortheordeal。
Followinguponwetsnow（thekindofstuffwhichKarlIvanitchusedtodescribeas\"achildfollowing，itsfather\"），theweatherhadforthreedaysbeenbrightandmildandstill。Notaclotofsnowwasnowtobeseeninthestreets，andthedirtyslushhadgivenplacetowet，shiningpavementsandcoursingrivulets。Thelasticiclesontheroofswerefastmeltinginthesunshine，budswereswellingonthetreesinthelittlegarden，thepathleadingacrossthecourtyardtothestableswassoftinsteadofbeingafrozenridgeofmud，andmossygrasswasshowinggreenbetweenthestonesaroundtheentrance-steps。Itwasjustthatparticulartimeinspringwhentheseasonexercisesthestrongestinfluenceuponthehumansoul——whenclearsunlightilluminateseverything，yetshedsnowarmth，whenrivuletsruntricklingunderone’sfeet，whentheairischargedwithanodorousfreshness，andwhenthebrightblueskyisstreakedwithlong，transparentclouds。
Forsomereasonoranothertheinfluenceofthisearlystageinthebirthofspringalwaysseemstomemoreperceptibleandmoreimpressiveinagreattownthaninthecountry。Oneseesless，butonefeelsmore。Iwasstandingnearthewindow——throughthedoubleframesofwhichthemorningsunwasthrowingitsmote-
fleckedbeamsuponthefloorofwhatseemedtomemyintolerablywearisomeschoolroom——andworkingoutalongalgebraicalequationontheblackboard。InonehandIwasholdingaragged，long-
suffering\"Algebra\"andintheotherasmallpieceofchalkwhichhadalreadybesmearedmyhands，myface，andtheelbowsofmyjacket。Nicola，cladinanapron，andwithhissleevesrolledup，waspickingouttheputtyfromthewindow-frameswithapairofnippers，andunfasteningthescrews。Thewindowlookedoutuponthelittlegarden。Atlengthhisoccupationandthenoisewhichhewasmakingoveritarrestedmyattention。AtthemomentIwasinaverycross，dissatisfiedframeofmind，fornothingseemedtobegoingrightwithme。Ihadmadeamistakeattheverybeginningofmyalgebra，andsoshouldhavetoworkitoutagain；twiceIhadletthechalkdrop。Iwasconsciousthatmyhandsandfacewerewhitenedallover；thespongehadrolledawayintoacorner；andthenoiseofNicola’soperationswasfastgettingonmynerves。IhadafeelingasthoughIwantedtoflyintoatemperandgrumbleatsomeone，soIthrewdownchalkand\"Algebra\"alike，andbegantopacetheroom。ThensuddenlyI
rememberedthatto-dayweweretogotoconfession，andthatthereforeImustrefrainfromdoinganythingwrong。Next，withequalsuddennessIrelapsedintoanextraordinarilygoodhumouredframeofmind，andwalkedacrosstoNicola。
\"Letmehelpyou，Nicola，\"Isaid，tryingtospeakaspleasantlyasIpossiblycould。TheideathatIwasperformingameritoriousactioninthussuppressingmyill-temperandofferingtohelphimincreasedmygood-humourallthemore。
Bythistimetheputtyhadbeenchippedout，andthescrewsremoved，yet，thoughNicolapulledwithmightandmainatthecross-piece，thewindow-framerefusedtobudge。
\"IfitcomesoutassoonasheandIbegintopullatittogether，\"Ithought，\"itwillberatherashame，asthenIshallhavenothingmoreofthekindtodoto-day。\"
Suddenlytheframeyieldedalittleatoneside，andcameout。
\"WhereshallIputit？\"Isaid。
\"LetMEseetoit，ifyouplease，\"repliedNicola，evidentlysurprisedaswellas，seemingly，notover-pleasedatmyzeal。
\"Wemustnotleaveithere，butcarryitawaytothelumber-room，whereIkeepalltheframesstoredandnumbered。\"
\"Oh，butIcanmanageit，\"IsaidasIlifteditup。Iverilybelievethatifthelumber-roomhadbeenacoupleofverstsaway，andtheframetwiceasheavyasitwas，Ishouldhavebeenthemorepleased。IfeltasthoughIwantedtotiremyselfoutinperformingthisserviceforNicola。WhenIreturnedtotheroomthebricksandscrewshadbeenreplacedonthewindowsill，andNicolawassweepingthedebris，aswellasafewtorpidflies，outoftheopenwindow。Thefresh，fragrantairwasrushingintoandfillingalltheroom，whilewithitcamealsothedullmurmurofthecityandthetwitteringofsparrowsinthegarden。
Everythingwasinbrilliantlight，theroomlookedcheerful，andagentlespringbreezewasstirringNicola’shairandtheleavesofmy\"Algebra。\"Approachingthewindow，Isatdownuponthesill，turnedmyeyesdownwardstowardsthegarden，andfellintoabrownstudy。
Somethingnewtome，somethingextraordinarilypotentandunfamiliar，hadsuddenlyinvadedmysoul。Thewetgroundonwhich，hereandthere，afewyellowishstalksandbladesofbright-greengrassweretobeseen；thelittlerivuletsglitteringinthesunshine，andsweepingclodsofearthandtinychipsofwoodalongwiththem；thereddishtwigsofthelilac，withtheirswellingbuds，whichnoddedjustbeneaththewindow；
thefussytwitteringsofbirdsastheyflutteredinthebushbelow；theblackenedfenceshiningwetfromthesnowwhichhadlatelymeltedoffit；and，mostofall，theraw，odorousairandradiantsunlight——allspoketome，clearlyandunmistakably，ofsomethingnewandbeautiful，ofsomethingwhich，thoughIcannotrepeatithereasitwasthenexpressedtome，IwilltrytoreproducesofarasIunderstoodit。Everythingspoketomeofbeauty，happiness，andvirtue——asthreethingswhichwerebotheasyandpossibleforme——andsaidthatnooneofthemcouldexistwithouttheothertwo，sincebeauty，happiness，andvirtuewereone。\"HowdidInevercometounderstandthatbefore？\"I
criedtomyself。\"HowdidIevermanagetobesowicked？Oh，buthowgood，howhappy，Icouldbe——nay，IWILLbe——inthefuture！
Atonce，atonce——yes，thisveryminute——Iwillbecomeanotherbeing，andbegintolivedifferently！\"Forallthat，Icontinuedsittingonthewindow-sill，continuedmerelydreaming，anddoingnothing。Haveyouever，onasummer’sday，gonetobedindull，rainyweather，and，wakingjustatsunset，openedyoureyesandseenthroughthesquarespaceofthewindow——thespacewherethelinenblindisblowingupanddown，andbeatingitsroduponthewindow-sill——therain-soaked，shadowy，purplevistaofanavenueoflime-trees，withadampgardenpathlitupbytheclear，slantingbeamsofthesun，andthensuddenlyheardthejoyoussoundsofbirdlifeinthegarden，andseeninsectsflyingtoandfroattheopenwindow，andglitteringinthesunlight，andsmeltthefragranceoftherain-washedair，andthoughttoyourself，\"AmInotashamedtobelyinginbedonsuchaneveningasthis？\"
and，leapingjoyouslytoyourfeet，goneoutintothegardenandrevelledinallthatwelteroflife？Ifyouhave，thenyoucanimagineforyourselftheoverpoweringsensationwhichwasthenpossessingme。
III
DREAMS
\"To-dayIwillmakemyconfessionandpurgemyselfofeverysin，\"
Ithoughttomyself。\"NorwillIevercommitanotherone。\"AtthispointIrecalledallthepeccadilloeswhichmosttroubledmyconscience。\"IwillgotochurchregularlyeverySunday，aswellasreadtheGospelatthecloseofeveryhourthroughouttheday。
Whatismore，Iwillsetaside，outofthechequewhichIshallreceiveeachmonthafterIhavegonetotheUniversity，two-and-
a-halfroubles\"（atenthofmymonthlyallowance）\"forpeoplewhoarepoorbutnotexactlybeggars，yetwithoutlettinganyoneknowanythingaboutit。Yes，Iwillbegintolookoutforpeoplelikethat——orphansoroldwomen——atonce，yetnevertellasoulwhatIamdoingforthem。
\"Also，Iwillhavearoomhereofmyveryown（St。Jerome’s，probably），andlookafteritmyself，andkeepitperfectlyclean。
Iwillneverletanyonedoanythingforme，foreveryoneisjustahumanbeinglikemyself。LikewiseIwillwalkeveryday，notdrive，totheUniversity。Evenifsomeonegivesmeadrozhki[Russianphaeton。]Iwillsellit，anddevotethemoneytothepoor。EverythingIwilldoexactlyandalways\"（whatthat\"always\"meantIcouldnotpossiblyhavesaid，butatleastIhadavividconsciousnessofitsconnotingsomekindofprudent，moral，andirreproachablelife）。\"Iwillgetupallmylecturesthoroughly，andgooverallthesubjectsbeforehand，sothatattheendofmyfirstcourseImaycomeouttopandwriteathesis。
DuringmysecondcoursealsoIwillgetupeverythingbeforehand，sothatImaysoonbetransferredtothethirdcourse，andateighteencomeouttopintheexaminations，andreceivetwogoldmedals，andgoontobeMasterofArts，andDoctor，andthefirstscholarinEurope。Yes，inallEuropeImeantobethefirstscholar。——Well，whatnext？\"Iaskedmyselfatthispoint。
Suddenlyitstruckmethatdreamsofthissortwereaformofpride——asinwhichIshouldhavetoconfesstothepriestthatveryevening，soIreturnedtotheoriginalthreadofmymeditations。\"WhengettingupmylecturesIwillgototheVorobieviGori，[SparrowHills——apublicparknearMoscow。]andchoosesomespotunderatree，andreadmylecturesoverthere。
SometimesIwilltakewithmesomethingtoeat——cheeseorapiefromPedotti’s，orsomethingofthekind。AfterthatIwillsleepalittle，andthenreadsomegoodbookorother，orelsedrawpicturesorplayonsomeinstrument（certainlyImustlearntoplaytheflute）。PerhapsSHEtoowillbewalkingontheVorobieviGori，andwillapproachmeonedayandsay，’Whoareyou？’andI
shalllookather，oh，sosadly，andsaythatIamthesonofapriest，andthatIamhappyonlywhenIamtherealone，quitealone。Thenshewillgivemeherhand，andsaysomethingtome，andsitdownbesideme。Soeverydayweshallgotothesamespot，andbefriendstogether，andIshallkissher。Butno！Thatwouldnotberight！Onthecontrary，fromthisdayforwardI
nevermeantolookatawomanagain。Never，neveragaindoImeantowalkwithagirl，noreventogonearoneifIcanhelpit。
Yet，ofcourse，inthreeyears’time，whenIhavecomeofage，I
shallmarry。Also，ImeantotakeasmuchexerciseaseverIcan，andtodogymnasticseveryday，sothat，whenIhaveturnedtwenty-five，IshallbestrongereventhanRappo。Onmyfirstday’strainingImeantoholdouthalfapood[ThePood=40
Russianpounds。]atarm’slengthforfiveminutes，andthenextdaytwenty-onepounds，andthethirddaytwenty-twopounds，andsoon，untilatlastIcanholdoutfourpoodsineachhand，andbestrongereventhanaporter。Then，ifeveranyoneshouldtrytoinsultmeorshouldbegintospeakdisrespectfullyofHER，I
shalltakehimso，bythefrontofhiscoat，andlifthimupanarshin[Thearshin=2feet3inches。]ortwowithonehand，andjustholdhimthere，sothathemayfeelmystrengthandceasefromhisconduct。Yetthattoowouldnotberight。No，no，itwouldnotmatter；Ishouldnothurthim，merelyshowhimthatI——\"
Letnooneblamemebecausethedreamsofmyyouthwereasfoolishasthoseofmychildhoodandboyhood。Iamsurethat，evenifitbemyfatetolivetoextremeoldageandtocontinuemystorywiththeyears，I，anoldmanofseventy，shallbefounddreamingdreamsjustasimpossibleandchildishasthoseIamdreamingnow。IshallbedreamingofsomelovelyMariawholovesme，thetoothlessoldman，asshemightloveaMazeppa；ofsomeimbecilesonwho，throughsomeextraordinarychance，hassuddenlybecomeaministerofstate；ofmysuddenlyreceivingawindfallofamillionofroubles。Iamsurethatthereexistsnohumanbeing，nohumanage，towhomortowhichthatgracious，consolatorypowerofdreamingistotallyastranger。Yet，savefortheonegeneralfeatureofmagicandimpossibility，thedreamsofeachhumanbeing，ofeachageofman，havetheirowndistinguishingcharacteristics。AttheperioduponwhichIlookashavingmarkedthecloseofmyboyhoodandthebeginningofmyyouth，fourleadingsentimentsformedthebasisofmydreams。ThefirstofthosesentimentswasloveforHER——foranimaginarywomanwhomIalwayspicturedthesameinmydreams，andwhomI
somehowexpectedtomeetsomedayandsomewhere。ThissheofminehadalittleofSonetchkainher，alittleofMashaasMashacouldlookwhenshestoodwashinglinenovertheclothes-tub，andalittleofacertainwomanwithpearlsroundherfairwhiteneckwhomIhadonceseenlong，longagoatatheatre，inaboxbelowourown。Mysecondsentimentwasacravingforlove。Iwantedeveryonetoknowmeandtoloveme。Iwantedtobeabletouttermyname——NicolaIrtenieff——andatoncetoseeeveryonethunderstruckatit，andcomecrowdingroundmeandthankingmeforsomethingoranother，Ihardlyknewwhat。Mythirdsentimentwastheexpectationofsomeextraordinary，glorioushappinessthatwasimpending——somehappinesssostrongandassuredastovergeuponecstasy。Indeed，sofirmlypersuadedwasIthatvery，verysoonsomeunexpectedchancewouldsuddenlymakemetherichestandmostfamousmanintheworldthatIlivedinconstant，tremulousexpectationofthismagicgoodfortunebefallingme。Iwasalwaysthinkingtomyselfthat\"ITisbeginning，\"andthatIshouldgoonthereaftertoattaineverythingthatamancouldwishfor。Consequently，Iwasforeverhurryingfromplacetoplace，inthebeliefthat\"IT\"mustbe\"beginning\"justwhereIhappenednottobe。Lastly，myfourthandprincipalsentimentofallwasabhorrenceofmyself，mingledwithregret——yetaregretsoblendedwiththecertainexpectationofhappinesstowhichIhavereferredthatithadinitnothingofsorrow。Itseemedtomethatitwouldbesoeasyandnaturalformetotearmyselfawayfrommypastandtoremakeit——toforgetallthathadbeen，andtobeginmylife，withallitsrelations，anew——thatthepastnevertroubledme，neverclungtomeatall。Ievenfoundacertainpleasureindetestingthepast，andinseeingitinadarkerlightthanthetrueone。ThisnoteofregretandofacuriouslongingforperfectionwerethechiefmentalimpressionswhichIgatheredfromthatnewstageofmygrowth——impressionswhichimpartednewprinciplestomyviewofmyself，ofmen，andofGod’sworld。Ogoodandconsolingvoice，whichinlaterdays，insorrowfuldayswhenmysoulyieldedsilentlytotheswayoflife’sfalsenessanddepravity，sooftenraisedasudden，boldprotestagainstalliniquity，aswellasmercilesslyexposedthepast，commanded，nay，compelled，metoloveonlythepurevistaofthepresent，andpromisedmeallthatwasfairandhappyinthefuture！Ogoodandconsolingvoice！
Surelythedaywillnevercomewhenyouaresilent？
IV
OURFAMILYCIRCLE
PAPAwasseldomathomethatspring。Yet，wheneverhewasso，heseemedextraordinarilycheerfulasheeitherstrummedhisfavouritepiecesonthepianoorlookedroguishlyatusandmadejokesaboutusall，notexcludingevenMimi。Forinstance，hewouldsaythattheTsarevitchhimselfhadseenMimiattherink，andfallensomuchinlovewithherthathehadpresentedapetitiontotheSynodfordivorce；orelsethatIhadbeengrantedanappointmentassecretarytotheAustrianambassador——
apieceofnewswhichheimpartedtouswithaperfectlygraveface。Next，hewouldfrightenKatenkawithsomespiders（ofwhichshewasverymuchafraid），engageinananimatedconversationwithourfriendsDubkoffandNechludoff，andtellusandourguests，overandoveragain，hisplansfortheyear。Althoughtheseplanschangedalmostfromdaytoday，andwereforevercontradictingoneanother，theyseemedsoattractivethatwewerealwaysgladtolistentothem，andLubotshka，inparticular，wouldgluehereyestohisface，soasnottoloseasingleword。OnedayhisplanwouldbethatheshouldleavemybrotherandmyselfattheUniversity，andgoandlivewithLubotshkainItalyfortwoyears。Next，theplanwouldbethatheshouldbuyanestateonthesouthcoastoftheCrimea，andtakeusforanannualvisitthere；next，thatweshouldmigrateenmassetoSt。Petersburg；andsoforth。Yet，inadditiontothisunusualcheerfulnessofhis，anotherchangehadcomeoverhimoflate——achangewhichgreatlysurprisedme。Thiswasthathehadhadsomefashionableclothesmade——anolive-
colouredfrockcoat，smarttrouserswithstrapsatthesides，andalongwaddedgreatcoatwhichfittedhimtoperfection。Often，too，therewasadelightfulsmellofscentabouthimwhenhecamehomefromaparty——moreespeciallywhenhehadbeentoseealadyofwhomMimineverspokebutwithasighandafacethatseemedtosay：\"Poororphans！Howdreadful！ItisagoodthingthatSHE
isgonenow！\"andsoon，andsoon。FromNicola（forPapaneverspoketousofhisgambling）Ihadlearntthathe（Papa）hadbeenveryfortunateinplaythatwinter，andsohadwonanextraordinaryamountofmoney，allofwhichhehadplacedinthebankaftervowingthathewouldplaynomorethatspring。
Evidently，itwashisfearofbeingunabletoresistagaindoingsothatwasrenderinghimanxioustoleaveforthecountryassoonaspossible。Indeed，heendedbydecidingnottowaituntilIhadenteredtheUniversity，buttotakethegirlstoPetrovskoeimmediatelyafterEaster，andtoleaveWolodaandmyselftofollowthematalaterseason。
Allthatwinter，untiltheopeningofspring，WolodahadbeeninseparablefromDubkoff，whileatthesametimethepairofthemhadcooledgreatlytowardsDimitri。Theirchiefamusements（soI
gatheredfromconversationsoverheard）werecontinualdrinkingofchampagne，sledge-drivingpastthewindowsofaladywithwhombothofthemappearedtobeinlove，anddancingwithher——notatchildren’sparties，either，butatrealballs！Itwasthislastfactwhich，despiteourloveforoneanother，placedavastgulfbetweenWolodaandmyself。Wefeltthatthedistancebetweenaboystilltakinglessonsunderatutorandamanwhodancedatreal，grown-upballswastoogreattoallowoftheirexchangingmutualideas。Katenka，too，seemedgrown-upnow，andreadinnumerablenovels；sothattheideathatshewouldsomedaybegettingmarriednolongerseemedtomeajoke。Yet，thoughsheandWolodawerethusgrown-up，theynevermadefriendswithoneanother，but，onthecontrary，seemedtocherishamutualcontempt。Ingeneral，whenKatenkawasathomealone，nothingbutnovelsamusedher，andtheybutslightly；butassoonaseveravisitoroftheoppositesexcalled，sheatoncegrewlivelyandamiable，andusedhereyesforsayingthingswhichIcouldnotthenunderstand。Itwasonlylater，whensheonedayinformedmeinconversationthattheonlythingagirlwasallowedtoindulgeinwascoquetry——coquetryoftheeyes，Imean——thatIunderstoodthosestrangecontortionsofherfeatureswhichtoeveryoneelsehadseemedamatterfornosurpriseatall。Lubotshkaalsohadbeguntowearwhatwasalmostalongdress——adresswhichalmostconcealedhergoose-shapedfeet；yetshestillremainedasreadyaweeperasever。Shedreamednowofmarrying，notahussar，butasingeroraninstrumentalist，andaccordinglyappliedherselftohermusicwithgreaterdiligencethanever。St。Jerome，whoknewthathewasgoingtoremainwithusonlyuntilmyexaminationswereover，andsohadobtainedforhimselfanewpostinthefamilyofsomecountoranother，nowlookedwithcontemptuponthemembersofourhousehold。Hestayedindoorsverylittle，tooktosmokingcigarettes（thenalltherage），andwasforeverwhistlinglivelytunesontheedgeofacard。Mimidailygrewmoreandmoredespondent，asthough，nowthatwewerebeginningtogrowup，shelookedfornothinggoodfromanyoneoranything。
When，onthedayofwhichIamspeaking，IwentintoluncheonI
foundonlyMimi，Katenka，Lubotshka，andSt。Jeromeinthedining-room。Papawasaway，andWolodainhisownroom，doingsomepreparationworkforhisexaminationsincompanywithapartyofhiscomrades：whereforehehadrequestedthatlunchshouldbesenttohimthere。Oflate，Mimihadusuallytakentheheadofthetable，andasnoneofushadanyrespectforher，luncheonhadlostmostofitsrefinementandcharm。Thatistosay，themealwasnolongerwhatithadbeeninMamma’sorourgrandmother’stime，namely，akindofritewhichbroughtallthefamilytogetheratagivenhouranddividedthedayintotwohalves。Weallowedourselvestocomeinaslateasthesecondcourse，todrinkwineintumblers（St。Jeromehimselfsetustheexample），torollaboutonourchairs，todepartwithoutsayinggrace，andsoon。Infact，luncheonhadceasedtobeafamilyceremony。IntheolddaysatPetrovskoe，everyonehadbeenusedtowashanddressforthemeal，andthentorepairtothedrawing-roomastheappointedhour（twoo’clock）drewnear，andpassthetimeofwaitinginlivelyconversation。Justastheclockintheservants’hallwasbeginningtowhirrbeforestrikingthehour，Fokawouldenterwithnoiselessfootsteps，and，throwinghisnapkinoverhisarmandassumingadignified，rathersevereexpression，wouldsayinloud，measuredtones：\"Luncheonisready！\"Thereupon，withpleased，cheerfulfaces，wewouldformaprocession——theeldersgoingfirstandthejuniorsfollowing，and，withmuchrustlingofstarchedpetticoatsandsubduedcreakingofbootsandshoes——wouldproceedtothedining-room，where，stilltalkinginundertones，thecompanywouldseatthemselvesintheiraccustomedplaces。Or，again，atMoscow，wewouldallofusbestandingbeforethetableready-laidinthehall，talkingquietlyamongourselvesaswewaitedforourgrandmother，whomthebutler，Gabriel，hadgonetoacquaintwiththefactthatluncheonwasready。Suddenlythedoorwouldopen，therewouldcomethefaintswishofadressandthesoundoffootsteps，andourgrandmother——dressedinamob-captrimmedwithaquaintoldlilacbow，andwearingeitherasmileorasevereexpressiononherfaceaccordingasthestateofherhealthinclinedher——wouldissuefromherroom。Gabrielwouldhastentoprecedehertoherarm-chair，theotherchairswouldmakeascrapingsound，and，withafeelingasthoughacoldshiver（theprecursorofappetite）wererunningdownone’sback，onewouldseizeuponone’sdamp，starchednapkin，nibbleamorselortwoofbread，and，rubbingone’shandssoftlyunderthetable，gazewitheager，radiantimpatienceatthesteamingplatesofsoupwhichthebutlerwasbeginningtodispenseinorderofranksandagesoraccordingtothefavourofourgrandmother。
Onthepresentoccasion，however，IwasconsciousofneitherexcitementnorpleasurewhenIwentintoluncheon。EventhemingledchatterofMimi，thegirls，andSt。JeromeaboutthehorriblebootsofourRussiantutor，thepleateddresseswornbytheyoungPrincessesKornakoff，andsoforth（chatterwhichatanyothertimewouldhavefilledmewithasincerityofcontemptwhichIshouldhavebeenatnopainstoconceal——atalleventssofarasLubotshkaandKatenkawereconcerned），failedtoshakethebenevolentframeofmindintowhichIhadfallen。Iwasunusuallygood-humouredthatday，andlistenedtoeverythingwithasmileandastudiedairofkindness。EvenwhenIaskedforthekvasI
didsopolitely，whileIlostnotamomentinagreeingwithSt。
Jeromewhenhetoldmethatitwasundoubtedlymorecorrecttosay\"Jepeux\"than\"Jepuis。\"Yet，Imustconfesstoacertaindisappointmentatfindingthatnoonepaidanyparticularattentiontomypolitenessandgood-humour。Afterluncheon，Lubotshkashowedmeapaperonwhichshehadwrittendownalistofhersins：uponwhichIobservedthat，althoughtheideawasexcellentsofarasitwent，itwouldbestillbetterforhertowritedownhersinsonherSOUL——\"averydifferentmatter。\"
\"Whyisit’averydifferentmatter’？\"askedLubotshka。
\"Nevermind：thatisallright；youdonotunderstandme，\"andI
wentupstairstomyroom，tellingSt。JeromethatIwasgoingtowork，butinrealitypurposingtooccupythehourandahalfbeforeconfessiontimeinwritingdownalistofmydailytasksanddutieswhichshouldlastmeallmylife，togetherwithastatementofmylife’saim，andtherulesbywhichImeantunswervinglytobeguided。
vMYRULES
ITOOKsomesheetsofpaper，andtried，firstofall，tomakealistofmytasksanddutiesforthecomingyear。Thepaperneededruling，but，asIcouldnotfindtheruler，IhadtouseaLatindictionaryinstead。Theresultwasthat，whenIhaddrawnthepenalongtheedgeofthedictionaryandremovedthelatter，Ifoundthat，inplaceofaline，Ihadonlymadeanoblongsmudgeonthepaper，sincethe，dictionarywasnotlongenoughtoreachacrossit，andthepenhadslippedroundthesoft，yieldingcornerofthebook。ThereuponItookanotherpieceofpaper，and，bycarefullymanipulatingthedictionary，contrivedtorulewhatatleastRESEMBLEDlines。Dividingmydutiesintothreesections——
mydutiestomyself，mydutiestomyneighbour，andmydutiestoGod——Istartedtoinditealistofthefirstofthosesections，buttheyseemedtomesonumerous，andthereforerequiringtobedividedintosomanyspeciesandsubdivisions，thatIthoughtI
hadbetterfirstofallwritedowntheheadingof\"RulesofMyLife\"beforeproceedingtotheirdetailedinscription。
Accordingly，Iproceededtowrite\"RulesofMyLife\"ontheoutsideofthesixsheetsofpaperwhichIhadmadeintoasortoffolio，butthewordscameoutinsuchacrookedandunevenscrawlthatforlongIsatdebatingthequestion，\"ShallIwritethemagain？\"——forlong，satinagonisedcontemplationoftheraggedhandwritinganddisfiguredtitle-page。Whywasitthatallthebeautyandclaritywhichmysoulthencontainedcameoutsomisshapenlyonpaper（asinlifeitself）justwhenIwaswishingtoapplythosequalitiestowhatIwasthinkingatthemoment？
\"Thepriestishere，sopleasecomedownstairsandhearhisdirections，\"saidNicolaasheentered，Hurriedlyconcealingmyfoliounderthetable-cloth，Ilookedatmyselfinthemirror，combedmyhairupwards（Iimaginedthistogivemeapensiveair），anddescendedtothedivannaia，[Roomwithdivans，orante-room]wherethetablestoodcoveredwithaclothandhadanikonandcandlesplaceduponit。PapaenteredjustasIdid，butbyanotherdoor：whereuponthepriest——agrey-
headedoldmonkwithasevere，elderlyface——blessedhim，andPapakissedhissmall，squat，wizenedhand。Ididthesame。
\"GoandcallWoldemar，\"saidPapa。\"Whereishe？Waitaminute，though。PerhapsheispreparingfortheCommunionattheUniversity？\"
\"No，heiswiththePrince，\"saidKatenka，andglancedatLubotshka。Suddenlythelatterblushedforsomereasonoranother，andthenfrowned。Finally，pretendingthatshewasnotwell，shelefttheroom，andIfollowedher。Inthedrawing-roomshehalted，andbegantopencilsomethingfreshonherpaperofpeccadilloes。
\"Well，whatnewsinhaveyougoneandcommitted？\"Iasked。
\"Nothing，\"sherepliedwithanotherblush。AllatonceweheardDimitri’svoiceraisedinthehallashetookhisleaveofWoloda。
\"Itseemstomeyouarealwaysexperiencingsomenewtemptation，\"
saidKatenka，whohadenteredtheroombehindus，andnowstoodlookingatLubotshka。
WhatwasthematterwithmysisterIcouldnotconceive，butshewasnowsoagitatedthatthetearswerestartingfromhereyes。
Finallyherconfusiongrewuncontrollable，andventeditselfinrageagainstbothherselfandKatenka，whoappearedtobeteasingher。
\"AnyonecanseethatyouareaFOREIGNER！\"shecried（nothingoffendedKatenkasomuchastobecalledbythatterm，whichiswhyLubotshkausedit）。\"JustbecauseIhavethesecretofwhichyouknow，\"shewenton，withangerringingthroughhertone，\"youpurposelygoandupsetme！Pleasedounderstandthatitisnojokingmatter。\"
\"Doyouknowwhatshehasgoneandwrittenonherpaper，Nicolinka？criedKatenka，muchinfuriatedbytheterm\"foreigner。\"\"Shehaswrittendownthat——\"
\"Oh，Inevercouldhavebelievedthatyoucouldbesocruel！\"
exclaimedLubotshka，nowburstingintoopensobbingasshemovedawayfromus。\"Youchosethatmomentonpurpose！Youspendyourwholetimeintryingtomakemesin！I’llnevergotoYOUagainforsympathyandadvice！\"
VI
CONFESSION
Withtheseandotherdisjointedimpressionsinmymind，Ireturnedtothedivannaia。Assoonaseveryonehadreassembled，thepriestroseandpreparedtoreadtheprayerbeforeconfession。
Theinstantthatthesilencewasbrokenbythestern，expressivevoiceofthemonkasherecitedtheprayer——andmoreespeciallywhenheaddressedtousthewords：\"Revealthouallthysinswithoutshame，concealment，orextenuation，andletthysoulbecleansedbeforeGod：forifthouconcealestaught，thengreatwillbethysin\"——thesamesensationofreverentawecameovermeasIhadfeltduringthemorning。Ieventookacertainpleasureinrecognisingthisconditionofmine，andstrovetopreserveit，notonlybyrestrainingallotherthoughtsfromenteringmybrain，butalsobyconsciouslyexertingmyselftofeelnoothersensationthanthissameoneofreverence。
Papawasthefirsttogotoconfession。Heremainedalong，longtimeintheroomwhichhadbelongedtoourgrandmother，andduringthattimetherestofuskeptsilenceinthedivannaia，oronlywhisperedtooneanotheronthesubjectofwhoshouldprecedewhom。Atlength，thevoiceofthepriestagainreadingtheprayersoundedfromthedoorway，andthenPapa’sfootsteps。Thedoorcreakedashecameout，coughingandholdingoneshoulderhigherthantheother，inhisusualway，andforthemomenthedidnotlookatanyofus。
\"YOUgonow，Luba，\"hesaidpresently，ashegavehercheekamischievouspinch。\"Mindyoutellhimeverything。Youaremygreatestsinner，youknow。\"
Lubotshkawentredandpalebyturns，tookhermemorandumpaperoutofherapron，replacedit，andfinallymovedawaytowardsthedoorwaywithherheadsunkbetweenhershouldersasthoughsheexpectedtoreceiveablowuponitfromabove。Shewasnotlonggone，andwhenshereturnedhershoulderswereshakingwithsobs。
Atlength——nextaftertheexcellentKatenka（whocameoutofthedoorwaywithasmileonherface）——myturnarrived。Ienteredthedimly-lightedroomwiththesamevaguefeelingofawe，thesameconsciouseagernesstoarousethatfeelingmoreandmoreinmysoul，thathadpossessedmeuptothepresentmoment。Thepriest，standinginfrontofareading-desk，slowlyturnedhisfacetome。
Iwasnotmorethanfiveminutesintheroom，butcameoutfromithappyand（soIpersuadedmyself）entirelycleansed——anew，amorallyrebornindividual。Despitethefactthattheoldsurroundingsofmylifenowstruckmeasunfamiliar（eventhoughtherooms，thefurniture，andmyownfigure——wouldtoheavensthatIcouldhavechangedmyoutermanforthebetterinthesamewaythatIbelievedmyselftohavechangedmyinnerI——werethesameasbefore），Iremainedinthatcomfortableattitudeofmineuntiltheverymomentofbedtime。
Yet，nosoonerhadIbeguntogrowdrowsywiththeconningoverofmysinsthaninaflashIrecollectedaparticularlyshamefulsinwhichIhadsuppressedatconfessiontime。Instantlythewordsoftheprayerbeforeconfessioncamebacktomymemoryandbegansoundinginmyears。Mypeacewasgoneforever。\"Forifthouconcealestaught，thengreatwillbethysin。\"EachtimethatthephraserecurredtomeIsawmyselfasinnerforwhomnopunishmentwasadequate。LongdidItossfromsidetosideasI
consideredmyposition，whileexpectingeverymomenttobevisitedwiththedivinewrath——tobestruckwithsuddendeath，perhaps！——aninsupportablethought！Thensuddenlythereassuringthoughtoccurredtome：\"WhyshouldInotdriveouttothemonasterywhenthemorningcomes，andseethepriestagain，andmakeasecondconfession？\"ThereafterIgrewcalmer。
VII
THEEXPEDITIONTOTHEMONASTERY
SeveraltimesthatnightIwokeinterroratthethoughtthatI
mightbeoversleepingmyself，andbysixo’clockwasoutofbed，althoughthedawnwashardlypeepinginatthewindow。Iputonmyclothesandboots（allofwhichwerelyingtumbledandunbrushedbesidethebed，sinceNicola，ofcoursehadnotbeeninyettotidythemup），and，withoutaprayersaidormyfacewashed，emerged，forthefirsttimeinmylife，intothestreetALONE。
Overtheway，behindthegreenroofofalargebuilding，thedim，colddawnwasbeginningtoblushred。Thekeenfrostofthespringmorningwhichhadstiffenedthepoolsandmudandmadethemcrackleundermyfeetnownippedmyfaceandhandsalso。Notacabwastobeseen，thoughIhadcountedupononetomakethejourneyoutandhomethequicker。OnlyafileofwaggonswasrumblingalongtheArbatProspect，andacoupleofbricklayerstalkingnoisilytogetherastheystrodealongthepavement。
However，afterwalkingaverstorsoIbegantomeetmenandwomentakingbasketstomarketorgoingwithemptybarrelstofetchtheday’swatersupply；untilatlength，atthecrossstreetsneartheArbatGate，whereapiemanhadsetuphisstallandabakerwasjustopeninghisshop，Iespiedanoldcabmanshakinghimselfafterindulginginanapontheboxofhisbe-
scratchedoldblue-painted，hobble-de-hoywreckofadrozhki。Heseemedbarelyawakeasheaskedtwentycopecksasthefaretothemonasteryandback，butcametohimselfamomentafterwards，justasIwasabouttogetin，and，touchinguphishorsewiththespareendofthereins，startedtodriveoffandleaveme。\"Myhorsewantsfeeding，\"hegrowled，\"Ican’ttakeyou，barin。[Sir]\"
WithsomedifficultyandapromiseofFORTYcopecksIpersuadedhimtostop。Heeyedmenarrowlyashepulledup，butneverthelesssaid：\"Verywell。Getin，barin。\"ImustconfessthatIhadsomequalmslestheshoulddrivemetoaquietcornersomewhere，andthenrobme，butIcaughtholdofthecollarofhisraggeddriving-coat，closetowherehiswrinkledneckshowedsadlyleanabovehishunched-upback，andclimbedontotheblue-
painted，curved，ricketyscat。AswesetoffalongVozdvizhenkaStreet，Inoticedthatthebackofthedrozhkiwascoveredwithastripofthesamegreenishmaterialasthatofwhichhiscoatwasmade。Forsomereasonoranotherthisreassuredme，andInolongerfeltnervousofbeingtakentoaquietspotandrobbed。
Thesunhadrisentoagoodheight，andwasgildingthecupolasofthechurches，whenwearrivedatthemonastery。Intheshadethefrosthadnotyetgiven，butintheopenroadwaymuddyrivuletsofwaterwerecoursingalong，anditwasthroughfast-
thawingmirethatthehorsewentclip-cloppinghisway。
Alighting，andenteringthemonasterygrounds，IinquiredofthefirstmonkwhomImetwhereIcouldfindthepriestwhomIwasseeking。
\"Hiscellisoverthere，\"repliedthemonkashestoppedamomentandpointedtowardsalittlebuildinguptowhichaflightofstepsled。
\"Irespectfullythankyou，\"Isaid，andthenfelltowonderingwhatallthemonks（whoatthatmomentbegantocomefilingoutofthechurch）mustbethinkingofmeastheyglancedinmydirection。Iwasneitheragrown-upnorachild，whilemyfacewasunwashed，myhairunbrushed，myclothestumbled，andmybootsunblackedandmuddy。Towhatclassofpersonswerethebrethrenassigningme——fortheystaredatmehardenough？NeverthelessI
proceededinthedirectionwhichtheyoungpriesthadpointedouttome。
Anoldmanwithbushygreyeyebrowsandablackcassockmetmeonthenarrowpathtothecells，andaskedmewhatIwanted。ForabriefmomentIfeltinclinedtosay\"Nothing，\"andthenrunbacktothedrozhkianddriveawayhome；but，forallitsbeetlingbrows，thefaceoftheoldmaninspiredconfidence，andImerelysaidthatIwishedtoseethepriest（whomInamed）。
\"Verywell，youngsir；Iwilltakeyoutohim，\"saidtheoldmanasheturnedround。Clearlyhehadguessedmyerrandatastroke。
\"Thefatherisatmatinsatthismoment，buthewillsoonbeback，\"and，openingadoor，theoldmanledmethroughaneathallandcorridor，alllinedwithcleanmatting，toacell。
\"Pleasetowaithere，\"headded，andthen，withakind，reassuringglance，departed。
ThelittleroominwhichIfoundmyselfwasofthesmallestpossibledimensions，butextremelyneatandclean。Itsfurnitureonlyconsistedofasmalltable（coveredwithacloth，andplacedbetweentwoequallysmallcasement-windows，inwhichstoodtwopotsofgeraniums），astandofikons，withalampsuspendedinfrontofthem，abench，andtwochairs。Inonecornerhungawallclock，withlittleflowerspaintedonitsdial，andbrassweightstoitschains，whileupontwonailsdrivenintoascreen（which，fastenedtotheceilingwithwhitewashedpegs，probablyconcealedthebed）hungacoupleofcassocks。Thewindowslookedoutuponawhitewashedwall，abouttwoarshinsdistant，andinthespacebetweenthemtheregrewasmalllilac-bush。
Notasoundpenetratedfromwithout，andinthestillnessthemeasured，friendlystrokeoftheclock’spendulumseemedtobeatquiteloudly。TheinstantthatIfoundmyselfaloneinthiscalmretreatallotherthoughtsandrecollectionsleftmyheadascompletelyasthoughtheyhadneverbeenthere，andIsubsidedintoaninexpressiblypleasingkindoftorpor。Therustyalpacacassockswiththeirfrayedlinings，thewornblackleatherbindingsofthebookswiththeirmetalclasps，thedull-greenplantswiththeircarefullywateredleavesandsoil，and，aboveall，theabrupt，regularbeatofthependulum，allspoketomeintimatelyofsomenewlifehithertounknowntome——alifeofunityandprayer，ofcalm，restfulhappiness。
\"Themonths，theyears，maypass，\"Ithoughttomyself，\"butheremainsalone——alwaysatpeace，alwaysknowingthathisconscienceispurebeforeGod，thathisprayerwillbeheardbyHim。\"ForfullyhalfanhourIsatonthatchair，tryingnottomove，noteventobreatheloudly，forfearIshouldmartheharmonyofthesoundswhichweretellingmesomuch，andeverthependulumcontinuedtobeatthesame——nowalittleloudertotheright，nowalittlesoftertotheleft。
VIII
THESECONDCONFESSION
Suddenlythesoundofthepriest’sfootstepsrousedmefromthisreverie。
\"Goodmorningtoyou，\"hesaidashesmoothedhisgreyhairwithhishand。\"WhatcanIdoforyou？\"
Ibesoughthimtogivemehisblessing，andthenkissedhissmall，wizenedhandwithgreatfervour。AfterIhadexplainedtohimmyerrandhesaidnothing，butmovedawaytowardstheikons，andbegantoreadtheexhortation：whereuponIovercamemyshame，andtoldhimallthatwasinmyheart。Finallyhelaidhishandsuponmyhead，andpronouncedinhiseven，resonantvoicethewords：\"Myson，maytheblessingofOurHeavenlyFatherbeuponthee，andmayHealwayspreservetheeinfaithfulness，loving-
kindness，andmeekness。Amen。\"
Iwasentirelyhappy。TearsofjoycourseddownmyfaceasI
kissedthehemofhiscassockandthenraisedmyheadagain。Thefaceofthepriestexpressedperfecttranquillity。SokeenlydidIfeelthejoyofreconciliationthat，fearinginanywaytodispelit，Itookhastyleaveofhim，and，withoutlookingtoonesideofmeortheother（inorderthatmyattentionmightnotbedistracted），leftthegroundsandre-enteredtherickety，battereddrozhki。Yetthejoltingsofthevehicleandthevarietyofobjectswhichflittedpastmyeyessoondissipatedthatfeeling，andIbecamefilledwithnothingbuttheideathatthepriestmusthavethoughtmethefinest-spiritedyoungmanhehadevermet，oreverwouldmeet，inthewholeofhislife。Indeed，I
reflected，therecouldnotbemanysuchasmyself——ofthatIfeltsure，andtheconvictionproducedinmethekindofcomplacencywhichcravesforself-communicationtoanother。Ihadagreatdesiretounbosommyselftosomeone，andastherewasnooneelsetospeakto，Iaddressedmyselftothecabman。
\"WasIverylonggone？\"Iaskedhim。
\"No，notverylong，\"hereplied。Heseemedtohavegrownmorecheerfulundertheinfluenceofthesunshine。\"Yetnowitisagoodwhilepastmyhorse’sfeeding-time。Yousee，Iamanightcabman。\"
\"Well，Ionlyseemedtomyselftobeaboutaminute，\"Iwenton。
\"DoyouknowwhatIwenttherefor？\"Iadded，changingmyseattothewellofthedrozhki，soastobenearerthedriver。
\"Whatbusinessisitofmine？Idriveafarewherehetellsmetogo，\"hereplied。
\"Yes，but，allthesame，whatdoyouthinkIwenttherefor？\"I
persisted。
\"Iexpectsomeoneyouknowisgoingtobeburiedthere，soyouwenttoseeaboutaplotforthegrave。\"
\"No，no，myfriend。Still，DOyouknowwhatIwenttherefor？\"
\"No，ofcourseIcannottell，barin，\"herepeated。
HisvoiceseemedtomesokindthatIdecidedtoedifyhimbyrelatingthecauseofmyexpedition，andeventellinghimofthefeelingwhichIhadexperienced。
\"ShallItellyou？\"Isaid。\"Well，yousee，\"——andItoldhimall，aswellasinflicteduponhimadescriptionofmyfinesentiments。TothisdayIblushattherecollection。
\"Well，well！\"saidthecabmannon-committally，andforalongwhileafterwardsheremainedsilentandmotionless，exceptthatatintervalsheadjustedtheskirtofhiscoateachtimethatitwasjerkedfrombeneathhislegbythejoltingsofhishugebootonthedrozhki’sstep。Ifeltsurethathemustbethinkingofmeevenasthepriesthaddone。Thatistosay，thathemustbethinkingthatnosuchfine-spiritedyoungmanexistedintheworldasI。Suddenlyheshotatme：
\"Itellyouwhat，barin。YououghttokeepGod’saffairstoyourself。\"
\"What？\"Isaid。
\"Thoseaffairsofyours——theyareGod’sbusiness，\"herepeated，mumblingthewordswithhistoothlesslips。
\"No，hehasnotunderstoodme，\"Ithoughttomyself，andsaidnomoretohimtillwereachedhome。
Althoughitwasnotmyoriginalsenseofreconciliationandreverence，butonlyasortofcomplacencyathavingexperiencedsuchasense，thatlastedinmeduringthedrivehome（andthat，too，despitethedistractionofthecrowdsofpeoplewhonowthrongedthesunlitstreetsineverydirection），Ihadnosoonerreachedhomethanevenmyspuriouscomplacencywasshattered，forIfoundthatIhadnotthefortycopeckswherewithtopaythecabman！Tothebutler，Gabriel，Ialreadyowedasmalldebt，andherefusedtolendmeanymore。Seeingmetwicerunacrossthecourtyardinquestofthemoney，thecabmanmusthavedivinedthereason，for，leapingfromhisdrozhki，he——notwithstandingthathehadseemedsokind——begantobawlaloud（withanevidentdesiretopunchmyhead）thatpeoplewhodonotpayfortheircab-ridesareswindlers。
Noneofmyfamilywereyetoutofbed，sothat，exceptfortheservants，therewasnoonefromwhomtoborrowthefortycopecks。
