HeisoneoftheEnglishnovelistswhoseworksIreadforthefirsttimeinEnglish。WithmenofEuropeanreputation，withDickensandWalterScottandThackeray，itwasotherwise。MyfirstintroductiontoEnglishimaginativeliteraturewas\"NicholasNickleby。\"ItisextraordinaryhowwellMrs。NicklebycouldchatterdisconnectedlyinPolishandthesinisterRalphrageinthatlanguage。AstotheCrummlesfamilyandthefamilyofthelearnedSqueersitseemedasnaturaltothemastheirnativespeech。Itwas，Ihavenodoubt，anexcellenttranslation。Thismusthavebeenintheyear’70。ButIreallybelievethatIamwrong。ThatbookwasnotmyfirstintroductiontoEnglishliterature。Myfirstacquaintancewas（orwere）the\"TwoGentlemenofVerona，\"andthatintheveryMS。ofmyfather’stranslation。ItwasduringourexileinRussia，anditmusthavebeenlessthanayearaftermymother’sdeath，becauseIremembermyselfintheblackblousewithawhiteborderofmyheavymourning。Wewerelivingtogether，quitealone，inasmallhouseontheoutskirtsofthetownofT——。Thatafternoon，insteadofgoingouttoplayinthelargeyardwhichwesharedwithourlandlord，Ihadlingeredintheroominwhichmyfathergenerallywrote。WhatemboldenedmetoclamberintohischairI
amsureIdon’tknow，butacoupleofhoursafterwardshediscoveredmekneelinginitwithmyelbowsonthetableandmyheadheldinbothhandsovertheMS。ofloosepages。Iwasgreatlyconfused，expectingtogetintotrouble。Hestoodinthedoorwaylookingatmewithsomesurprise，buttheonlythinghesaidafteramomentofsilencewas：
\"Readthepagealoud。\"
Luckilythepagelyingbeforemewasnotoverblottedwitherasuresandcorrections，andmyfather’shandwritingwasotherwiseextremelylegible。WhenIgottotheendhenoddedandIflewoutofdoorsthinkingmyselfluckytohaveescapedreproofforthatpieceofimpulsiveaudacity。Ihavetriedtodiscoversincethereasonofthismildness，andIimaginethatallunknowntomyselfIhadearned，inmyfather’smind，therighttosomelatitudeinmyrelationswithhiswriting-table。Itwasonlyamonthbefore，orperhapsitwasonlyaweekbefore，thatIhadreadtohimaloudfrombeginningtoend，andtohisperfectsatisfaction，ashelayonhisbed，notbeingverywellatthetime，theproofsofhistranslationofVictorHugo’s\"ToilersoftheSea。\"Suchwasmytitletoconsideration，Ibelieve，andalsomyfirstintroductiontotheseainliterature。IfIdonotrememberwhere，howandwhenIlearnedtoread，Iamnotlikelytoforgettheprocessofbeingtrainedintheartofreadingaloud。Mypoorfather，anadmirablereaderhimself，wasthemostexactingofmasters。IreflectproudlythatImusthavereadthatpageof\"TwoGentlemenofVerona\"tolerablywellattheageofeight。ThenexttimeImetthemwasina5s。one-volumeeditionofthedramaticworksofWilliamShakespeare，readinFalmouth，atoddmomentsoftheday，tothenoisyaccompanimentofcaulkers’malletsdrivingoakumintothedeck-seamsofashipindrydock。Wehadrunin，inasinkingconditionandwiththecrewrefusingdutyafteramonthofwearybattlingwiththegalesoftheNorthAtlantic。Booksareanintegralpartofone’slifeandmyShakespeareanassociationsarewiththatfirstyearofourbereavement，thelastIspentwithmyfatherinexile（hesentmeawaytoPolandtomymother’sbrotherdirectlyhecouldbracehimselfupfortheseparation），andwiththeyearofhardgales，theyearinwhichIcamenearesttodeathatsea，firstbywaterandthenbyfire。
ThosethingsIremember，butwhatIwasreadingthedaybeforemywritinglifebeganIhaveforgotten。IhaveonlyavaguenotionthatitmighthavebeenoneofTrollope’spoliticalnovels。AndIremember，too，thecharacteroftheday。Itwasanautumndaywithanopalineatmosphere，aveiled，semi-opaque，lustrousday，withfierypointsandflashesofredsunlightontheroofsandwindowsopposite，whilethetreesofthesquarewithalltheirleavesgonewereliketracingsofindianinkonasheetoftissuepaper。ItwasoneofthoseLondondaysthathavethecharmofmysteriousamenity，offascinatingsoftness。TheeffectofopalinemistwasoftenrepeatedatBessboroughGardensonaccountofthenearnesstotheriver。
ThereisnoreasonwhyIshouldrememberthateffectmoreonthatdaythanonanyotherday，exceptthatIstoodforalongtimelookingoutofthewindowafterthelandlady’sdaughterwasgonewithherspoilofcupsandsaucers。Iheardherputthetraydowninthepassageandfinallyshutthedoor;andstillI
remainedsmokingwithmybacktotheroom。ItisveryclearthatIwasinnohastetotaketheplungeintomywritinglife，ifasplungethisfirstattemptmaybedescribed。Mywholebeingwassteepeddeepintheindolenceofasailorawayfromthesea，thesceneofnever-endinglabourandofunceasingduty。Foruttersurrendertoindolenceyoucannotbeatasailorashorewhenthatmoodisonhim，themoodofabsoluteirresponsibilitytastedtothefull。ItseemstomethatIthoughtofnothingwhatever，butthisisanimpressionwhichishardlytobebelievedatthisdistanceofyears。WhatIamcertainofis，thatIwasveryfarfromthinkingofwritingastory，thoughitispossibleandevenlikelythatIwasthinkingofthemanAlmayer。
Ihadseenhimforthefirsttimesomefouryearsbeforefromthebridgeofasteamermooredtoaricketylittlewharffortymilesup，moreorless，aBorneanriver。Itwasveryearlymorningandaslightmist，anopalinemistasinBessboroughGardensonlywithoutthefieryflicksonroofandchimney-potfromtheraysoftheredLondonsun，promisedtoturnpresentlyintoawoollyfog。
Barringasmalldug-outcanoeontherivertherewasnothingmovingwithinsight。Ihadjustcomeupyawningfrommycabin。
TheserangandtheMalaycrewwereoverhaulingthecargochainsandtryingthewinches;theirvoicessoundedsubduedonthedeckbelowandtheirmovementswerelanguid。Thattropicaldaybreakwaschilly。TheMalayquartermaster，cominguptogetsomethingfromthelockersonthebridge，shiveredvisibly。Theforestsaboveandbelowandontheoppositebanklookedblackanddank;
wetdrippedfromtherigginguponthetightlystretcheddeckawnings，anditwasinthemiddleofashudderingyawnthatI
caughtsightofAlmayer。Hewasmovingacrossapatchofburntgrass，ablurredshadowyshapewiththeblurredbulkofahousebehindhim，alowhouseofmats，bamboosandpalm-leaveswithahigh-pitchedroofofgrass。
Hesteppeduponthejetty。Hewascladsimplyinflappingpyjamasofcretonnepattern（enormousflowerswithyellowpetalsonadisagreeableblueground）andathincottonsingletwithshortsleeves。Hisarms，baretotheelbow，werecrossedonhischest。Hisblackhairlookedasifithadnotbeencutforaverylongtimeandacurlywispofitstrayedacrosshisforehead。IhadheardofhimatSingapore;Ihadheardofhimonboard;Ihadheardofhimearlyinthemorningandlateatnight;
Ihadheardofhimattiffinandatdinner;IhadheardofhiminaplacecalledPuloLautfromahalf-castegentlemanthere，whodescribedhimselfasthemanagerofacoal-mine;whichsoundedcivilisedandprogressivetillyouheardthattheminecouldnotbeworkedatpresentbecauseitwashauntedbysomeparticularyatrociousghosts。IhadheardofhiminaplacecalledDongola，intheIslandofCelebes，whentheRajahofthatlittle-knownseaport（youcangetnoanchoragethereinlessthanfifteenfathom，whichisextremelyinconvenient）cameonboardinafriendlywaywithonlytwoattendants，anddrankbottleafterbottleofsoda-waterontheafter-skylightwithmygoodfriendandcommander，CaptainC——。AtleastIheardhisnamedistinctlypronouncedseveraltimesinalotoftalkinMalaylanguage。Ohyes，Ihearditquitedistinctly——Almayer，Almayer——andsawCaptainC——smilewhilethefatdingyRajahlaughedaudibly。TohearaMalayRajahlaughoutrightisarareexperienceIcanassureyou。AndIoverheadmoreofAlmayer’snameamongstourdeckpassengers（mostlywanderingtradersofgoodrepute）astheysatallovertheship——eachmanfencedroundwithbundlesandboxes——onmats，onpillows，onquilts，onbilletsofwood，conversingofIslandaffairs。Uponmyword，IheardthemutterofAlmayer’snamefaintlyatmidnight，whilemakingmywayaftfromthebridgetolookatthepatenttaffrail-logtinklingitsquarter-milesinthegreatsilenceofthesea。Idon’tmeantosaythatourpassengersdreamedaloudofAlmayer，butitisindubitablethattwoofthematleast，whocouldnotsleepapparentlyandweretryingtocharmawaythetroubleofinsomniabyalittlewhisperedtalkatthatghostlyhour，werereferringinsomewayorothertoAlmayer。ItwasreallyimpossibleonboardthatshiptogetawaydefinitelyfromAlmayer;andaverysmallponytiedupforwardandwhiskingitstailinsidethegalley，tothegreatembarrassmentofourChinamancook，wasdestinedforAlmayer。Whathewantedwithaponygoodnessonlyknows，sinceIamperfectlycertainhecouldnotrideit;buthereyouhavetheman，ambitious，aimingatthegrandiose，importingapony，whereasinthewholesettlementatwhichheusedtoshakedailyhisimpotentfist，therewasonlyonepaththatwaspracticableforapony：aquarterofamileatmost，hedgedinbyhundredsofsquareleaguesofvirginforest。Butwhoknows？TheimportationofthatBaliPonymighthavebeenpartofsomedeepscheme，ofsomediplomaticplan，ofsomehopefulintrigue。WithAlmayeronecouldnevertell。Hegovernedhisconductbyconsiderationsremovedfromtheobvious，byincredibleassumptions，whichrenderedhislogicimpenetrabletoanyreasonableperson。Ilearnedallthislater。ThatmorningseeingthefigureinpyjamasmovinginthemistIsaidtomyself：\"That’stheman。\"
Hecamequiteclosetotheship’ssideandraisedaharassedcountenance，roundandflat，withthatcurlofblackhairovertheforeheadandaheavy，painedglance。
\"Goodmorning。\"
\"Goodmorning。\"
Helookedhardatme：Iwasanewface，havingjustreplacedthechiefmatehewasaccustomedtosee;andIthinkthatthisnoveltyinspiredhim，asthingsgenerallydid，withdeep-seatedmistrust。
\"Didn’texpectyouintillthisevening，\"heremarkedsuspiciously。
Idon’tknowwhyheshouldhavebeenaggrieved，butheseemedtobe。Itookpainstoexplaintohimthathavingpickedupthebeaconatthemouthoftheriverjustbeforedarkandthetideserving，CaptainC——wasenabledtocrossthebarandtherewasnothingtopreventhimgoingupriveratnight。
\"CaptainC——knowsthisriverlikehisownpocket，\"Iconcludeddiscursively，tryingtogetonterms。
\"Better，\"saidAlmayer。
LeaningovertherailofthebridgeIlookedatAlmayer，wholookeddownatthewharfinaggrievedthought。Heshuffledhisfeetalittle;heworestrawslipperswiththicksoles。Themorningfoghadthickenedconsiderably。Everythingroundusdripped：thederricks，therails，everysingleropeintheship——
asifafitofcryinghadcomeupontheuniverse。
Almayeragainraisedhisheadandintheaccentsofamanaccustomedtothebuffetsofevilfortuneaskedhardlyaudibly：
\"Isupposeyouhaven’tgotsuchathingasaponyonboard？\"
Itoldhimalmostinawhisper，forheattunedmycommunicationstohisminorkey，thatwehadsuchathingasapony，andI
hinted，asgentlyasIcould，thathewasconfoundedlyinthewaytoo。IwasveryanxioustohavehimlandedbeforeIbegantohandlethecargo。Almayerremainedlookingupatmeforalongwhilewithincredulousandmelancholyeyesasthoughitwerenotasafethingtobelievemystatement。Thispatheticmistrustinthefavourableissueofanysortofaffairtouchedmedeeply，andIadded：
\"Hedoesn’tseemabittheworseforthepassage。He’saniceponytoo。\"
Almayerwasnottobecheeredup;forallanswerheclearedhisthroatandlookeddownagainathisfeet。Itriedtoclosewithhimonanothertack。
\"ByJove！\"Isaid。\"Aren’tyouafraidofcatchingpneumoniaorbronchitisorsomething，walkingaboutinasingletinsuchawetfog？\"
Hewasnottobepropitiatedbyashowofinterestinhishealth。
Hisanswerwasasinister\"Nofear，\"asmuchastosaythateventhatwayofescapefrominclementfortunewasclosedtohim。
\"Ijustcamedown……\"hemumbledafterawhile。
\"Wellthen，nowyou’rehereIwilllandthatponyforyouatonceandyoucanleadhimhome。Ireallydon’twanthimondeck。
He’sintheway。\"
Almayerseemeddoubtful。Iinsisted：
\"Why，Iwilljustswinghimoutandlandhimonthewharfrightinfrontofyou。I’dmuchratherdoitbeforethehatchesareoff。Thelittledevilmayjumpdowntheholdordosomeotherdeadlything。\"
\"There’sahalter？\"postulatedAlmayer。
\"Yes，ofcoursethere’sahalter。\"AndwithoutwaitinganymoreIleanedoverthebridgerail。
\"Serang，landTuanAlmayer’spony。\"
Thecookhastenedtoshutthedoorofthegalleyandamomentlateragreatscufflebeganondeck。Theponykickedwithextremeenergy，thekalashesskippedoutoftheway，theserangissuedmanyordersinacrackedvoice。Suddenlytheponyleapeduponthefore-hatch。Hislittlehoofsthunderedtremendously;heplungedandreared。Hehadtossedhismaneandhisforelockintoastateofamazingwildness，hedilatedhisnostrils，bitsoffoamfleckedhisbroadlittlechest，hiseyesblazed。Hewassomethingunderelevenhands;hewasfierce，terrible，angry，warlike，hesaidha！ha！distinctly，heragedandthumped——andsixteenable-bodiedkalashesstoodroundhimlikedisconcertednursesroundaspoiltandpassionatechild。Hewhiskedhistailincessantly;hearchedhisprettyneck;hewasperfectlydelightful;hewascharminglynaughty。Therewasnotanatomofviceinthatperformance;nosavagebaringofteethandlyingbackofears。Onthecontrary，heprickedthemforwardinacomicallyaggressivemanner。Hewastotallyunmoralandlovable;
Iwouldhavelikedtogivehimbread，sugar，carrots。Butlifeisasternthingandthesenseofdutytheonlysafeguide。SoI
steeledmyheartandfrommyelevatedpositiononthebridgeI
orderedthementoflingthemselvesuponhiminabody。
Theelderlyserang，emittingastrangeinarticulatecry，gavetheexample。Hewasanexcellentpettyofficer——verycompetentindeed，andamoderateopiumsmoker。Therestoftheminonegreatrushsmotheredthatpony。Theyhungontohisears，tohismane，tohistail;theylayinpilesacrosshisback，seventeeninall。Thecarpenter，seizingthehookofthecargo-chain，flunghimselfontopofthem。Averysatisfactorypettyofficertoo，buthestuttered。Haveyoueverheardalight-yellow，lean，sad，earnestChinamanstutterinpidgin-English？It’sveryweirdindeed。Hemadetheeighteenth。Icouldnotseetheponyatall;
butfromtheswayingandheavingofthatheapofmenIknewthattherewassomethingaliveinside。
FromthewharfAlmayerhailedinquaveringtones：
\"Oh，Isay！\"
Wherehestoodhecouldnotseewhatwasgoingonondeckunlessperhapsthetopsofthemen’sheads;hecouldonlyhearthescuffle，themightythuds，asiftheshipwerebeingknockedtopieces。Ilookedover：\"Whatisit？\"
\"Don’tletthembreakhislegs，\"heentreatedmeplaintively。
\"Oh，nonsense！He’sallrightnow。Hecan’tmove。\"
Bythattimethecargo-chainhadbeenhookedtothebroadcanvasbeltroundthepony’sbody，thekalashessprangoffsimultaneouslyinalldirections，rollingovereachother，andtheworthyserang，makingadashbehindthewinch，turnedthesteamon。
\"Steady！\"Iyelled，ingreatapprehensionofseeingtheanimalsnatcheduptotheveryheadofthederrick。
OnthewharfAlmayershuffledhisstrawslippersuneasily。Therattleofthewinchstopped，andinatense，impressivesilencethatponybegantoswingacrossthedeck。
Howlimphewas！Directlyhefelthimselfintheairherelaxedeverymuscleinamostwonderfulmanner。Hisfourhoofsknockedtogetherinabunch，hisheadhungdown，andhistailremainedpendentinanervelessandabsoluteimmobility。HeremindedmevividlyofthepatheticlittlesheepwhichhangsonthecollaroftheOrderoftheGoldenFleece。Ihadnoideathatanythingintheshapeofahorsecouldbesolimpasthat，eitherlivingordead。Hiswildmanehungdownlumpily，ameremassofinanimatehorsehair;hisaggressiveearshadcollapsed，butashewentswayingslowlyacrossthefrontofthebridgeInoticedanastutegleaminhisdreamy，half-closedeye。Atrustworthyquartermaster，hisglanceanxiousandhismouthonthebroadgrin，waseasingoverthederrickwatchfully。Isuperintended，greatlyinterested。
\"So！Thatwilldo。\"
Thederrick-headstopped。Thekalasheslinedtherail。Theropeofthehalterhungperpendicularandmotionlesslikeabell-pullinfrontofAlmayer。Everythingwasverystill。Isuggestedamicablythatheshouldcatchholdoftheropeandmindwhathewasabout。Heextendedaprovokinglycasualandsuperiorhand。
\"Lookoutthen！Loweraway！\"
Almayergatheredintheropeintelligentlyenough，butwhenthepony’shoofstouchedthewharfhegavewayallatoncetoamostfoolishoptimism。Withoutpausing，withoutthinking，almostwithoutlooking，hedisengagedthehooksuddenlyfromthesling，andthecargo-chain，afterhittingthepony’squarters，swungbackagainsttheship’ssidewithanoisy，rattlingslap。I
supposeImusthaveblinked。IknowImissedsomething，becausethenextthingIsawwasAlmayerlyingflatonhisbackonthejetty。Hewasalone。
AstonishmentdeprivedmeofspeechlongenoughtogiveAlmayertimetopickhimselfupinaleisurelyandpainfulmanner。Thekalashesliningtherailhadalltheirmouthsopen。Themistflewinthelightbreeze，andithadcomeoverquitethickenoughtohidetheshorecompletely。
\"Howonearthdidyoumanagetolethimgetaway？\"Iaskedscandalised。
Almayerlookedintothesmartingpalmofhisrighthand，butdidnotanswermyinquiry。
\"Wheredoyouthinkhewillgetto？\"Icried。\"Arethereanyfencesanywhereinthisfog？Canheboltintotheforest？
What’stobedonenow？\"
Almayershruggedhisshoulders。
\"Someofmymenaresuretobeabout。Theywillgetholdofhimsoonerorlater。\"
\"Soonerorlater！That’sallveryfine，butwhataboutmycanvassling——he’scarrieditoff。Iwantitnow，atonce，tolandtwoCelebescows。\"
SinceDongolawehadonboardapairoftheprettylittleislandcattleinadditiontothepony。Tiedupontheothersideoftheforedecktheyhadbeenwhiskingtheirtailsintotheotherdoorofthegalley。ThesecowswerenotforAlmayer，however;theywereinvoicedtoAbdullahbinSelim，hisenemy。Almayer’sdisregardofmyrequisiteswascomplete。
\"IfIwereyouIwouldtrytofindoutwherehe’sgone，\"I
insisted。\"Hadn’tyoubettercallyourmentogetherorsomething？Hewillthrowhimselfdownandcuthisknees。Hemayevenbreakaleg，youknow。\"
ButAlmayer，plungedinabstractedthought，didnotseemtowantthatponyanymore。AmazedatthissuddenindifferenceIturnedallhandsoutonshoretohuntforhimonmyownaccount，or，atanyrate，tohuntforthecanvasslingwhichhehadroundhisbody。Thewholecrewofthesteamer，withtheexceptionoffiremenandengineers，rushedupthejettypastthethoughtfulAlmayerandvanishedfrommysight。Thewhitefogswallowedthemup;andagaintherewasadeepsilencethatseemedtoextendformilesupanddownthestream。Stilltaciturn，Almayerstartedtoclimbonboard，andIwentdownfromthebridgetomeethimontheafterdeck。
\"WouldyoumindtellingthecaptainthatIwanttoseehimveryparticularly？\"heaskedmeinalowtone，lettinghiseyesstrayallovertheplace。
\"Verywell。Iwillgoandsee。\"
WiththedoorofhiscabinwideopenCaptainC——，justbackfromthebathroom，bigandbroad-chested，wasbrushinghisthick，damp，iron-greyhairwithtwolargebrushes。
\"Mr。Almayertoldmehewantedtoseeyouveryparticularly，sir。\"
SayingthesewordsIsmiled。Idon’tknowwhyIsmiledexceptthatitseemedabsolutelyimpossibletomentionAlmayer’snamewithoutasmileofasort。Ithadnottobenecessarilyamirthfulsmile。TurninghisheadtowardsmeCaptainC——smiledtoo，ratherjoylessly。
\"Theponygotawayfromhim——eh？\"
\"Yessir。Hedid。\"
\"Whereishe？\"
\"Goodnessonlyknows。\"
\"No。ImeanAlmayer。Lethimcomealong。\"
Thecaptain’sstateroomopeningstraightondeckunderthebridge，IhadonlytobeckonfromthedoorwaytoAlmayer，whohadremainedaft，withdowncasteyes，ontheveryspotwhereIhadlefthim。Hestrolledupmoodily，shookhandsandatonceaskedpermissiontoshutthecabindoor。
\"Ihaveaprettystorytotellyou，\"werethelastwordsIheard。
Thebitternessoftonewasremarkable。
Iwentawayfromthedoor，ofcourse。ForthemomentIhadnocrewonboard;onlytheChinamancarpenter，withacanvasbaghungroundhisneckandahammerinhishand，roamedabouttheemptydecksknockingoutthewedgesofthehatchesanddroppingthemintothebagconscientiously。HavingnothingtodoIjoinedourtwoengineersatthedooroftheengine-room。Itwasnearbreakfasttime。
\"He’sturnedupearly，hasn’the？\"commentedthesecondengineer，andsmiledindifferently。Hewasanabstemiousmanwithagooddigestionandaplacid，reasonableviewoflifeevenwhenhungry。
\"Yes，\"Isaid。\"Shutupwiththeoldman。Someveryparticularbusiness。\"
\"Hewillspinhimadamnedendlessyarn，\"observedthechiefengineer。
Hesmiledrathersourly。Hewasdyspepticandsufferedfromgnawinghungerinthemorning。Thesecondsmiledbroadly，asmilethatmadetwoverticalfoldsonhisshavencheeks。AndI
smiledtoo，butIwasnotexactlyamused。Inthatman，whosenameapparentlycouldnotbeutteredanywhereintheMalayArchipelagowithoutasmile，therewasnothingamusingwhatever。
Thatmorninghebreakfastedwithussilently，lookingmostlyintohiscup。Iinformedhimthatmymencameuponhisponycaperinginthefogontheverybrinkoftheeight-foot-deepwellinwhichhekepthisstoreofguttah。Thecoverwasoffwithnoonenearby，andthewholeofmycrewjustmissedgoingheelsoverheadintothatbeastlyhole。JurumudiItam，ourbestquartermaster，deftatfineneedlework，hewhomendedtheship’sflagsandsewedbuttonsonourcoats，wasdisabledbyakickontheshoulder。
BothremorseandgratitudeseemedforeigntoAlmayer’scharacter。
Hemumbled：
\"Doyoumeanthatpiratefellow？\"
\"Whatpiratefellow？Themanhasbeenintheshipelevenyears，\"
Isaidindignantly。
\"It’shislooks，\"Almayermutteredforallapology。
Thesunhadeatenupthefog。FromwherewesatundertheafterawningwecouldseeinthedistancetheponytiedupinfrontofAlmayer’shouse，toapostoftheverandah。Weweresilentforalongtime。AllatonceAlmayer，alludingevidentlytothesubjectofhisconversationinthecaptain’scabin，exclaimedanxiouslyacrossthetable：
\"Ireallydon’tknowwhatIcandonow！\"
CaptainC——onlyraisedhiseyebrowsathim，andgotupfromhischair。Wedispersedtoourduties，butAlmayer，halfdressedashewasinhiscretonnepyjamasandthethincottonsinglet，remainedonboard，lingeringnearthegangwayasthoughhecouldnotmakeuphismindwhethertogohomeorstaywithusforgood。
OurChinamenboysgavehimsideglancesastheywenttoandfro;
andAhSing，ouryoungchiefsteward，thehandsomestandmostsympatheticofChinamen，catchingmyeye，noddedknowinglyathisburlyback。InthecourseofthemorningIapproachedhimforamoment。
\"Well，Mr。Almayer，\"Iaddressedhimeasily，\"youhaven’tstartedonyourlettersyet。\"
Wehadbroughthimhismailandhehadheldthebundleinhishandeversincewegotupfrombreakfast。HeglancedatitwhenIspokeand，foramoment，itlookedasifhewereonthepointofopeninghisfingersandlettingthewholelotfalloverboard。
Ibelievehewastemptedtodoso。Ishallneverforgetthatmanafraidofhisletters。
\"HaveyoubeenlongoutfromEurope？\"heaskedme。
\"Notvery。Notquiteeightmonths，\"Itoldhim。\"IleftashipinSamarangwithahurtbackandhavebeeninthehospitalinSingaporesomeweeks。\"
Hesighed。
\"Tradeisverybadhere。\"
\"Indeed！\"
\"Hopeless！……Seethesegeese？\"
Withthehandholdingthelettershepointedouttomewhatresembledapatchofsnowcreepingandswayingacrossthedistantpartofhiscompound。Itdisappearedbehindsomebushes。
\"TheonlygeeseontheEastCoast，\"Almayerinformedmeinaperfunctorymutterwithoutasparkoffaith，hopeorpride。
Thereupon，withthesameabsenceofanysortofsustainingspirithedeclaredhisintentiontosilenceafatbirdandsendhimonboardforusnotlaterthannextday。
Ihadheardoftheselargessesbefore。HeconferredagooseasifitwereasortofCourtdecorationgivenonlytothetriedfriendsofthehouse。Ihadexpectedmorepompintheceremony。
Thegifthadsurelyitsspecialquality，multipleandrare。FromtheonlyflockontheEastCoast！Hedidnotmakehalfenoughofit。Thatmandidnotunderstandhisopportunities。However，I
thankedhimatsomelength。
\"Yousee，\"heinterruptedabruptlyinaverypeculiartone，\"theworstofthiscountryisthatoneisnotabletorealise……it’simpossibletorealise……\"Hisvoicesankintoalanguidmutter。\"Andwhenonehasverylargeinterests……veryimportantinterests……\"hefinishedfaintly……\"uptheriver。\"
Welookedateachother。Heastonishedmebygivingastartandmakingaveryqueergrimace。
\"Well，Imustbeoff，\"heburstouthurriedly。\"Solong！\"
Atthemomentofsteppingoverthegangwayhecheckedhimselfthough，togivemeamumbledinvitationtodineathishousethateveningwithmycaptain，aninvitationwhichIaccepted。Idon’tthinkitcouldhavebeenpossibleformetorefuse。
Iliketheworthyfolkwhowilltalktoyouoftheexerciseoffreewill\"atanyrateforpracticalpurposes。\"Free，isit？
Forpracticalpurposes！Bosh！HowcouldIhaverefusedtodinewiththatman？IdidnotrefusesimplybecauseIcouldnotrefuse。Curiosity，ahealthydesireforachangeofcooking，commoncivility，thetalkandthesmilesoftheprevioustwentydays，everyconditionofmyexistenceatthatmomentandplacemadeirresistiblyforacceptance;and，crowningallthat，therewastheignorance，theignorance，Isay，thefatalwantofforeknowledgetocounter-balancetheseimperativeconditionsoftheproblem。Arefusalwouldhaveappearedperverseandinsane。
Nobodyunlessasurlylunaticwouldhaverefused。ButifIhadnotgottoknowAlmayerprettywellitisalmostcertaintherewouldneverhavebeenalineofmineinprint。
Iacceptedthen——andIampayingyetthepriceofmysanity。ThepossessoroftheonlyflockofgeeseontheEastCoastisresponsiblefortheexistenceofsomefourteenvolumes，sofar。
Thenumberofgeesehehadcalledintobeingunderadverseclimaticconditionswasconsiderablymorethanfourteen。Thetaleofvolumeswillneverovertakethecountingofheads，Iamsafetosay;butmyambitionspointnotexactlythatway，andwhateverthepangsthetoilofwritinghascostmeIhavealwaysthoughtkindlyofAlmayer。
Iwonder，hadheknownanythingofit，whathisattitudewouldhavebeen？Thisissomethingnottobediscoveredinthisworld。
ButifweevermeetintheElysianFields——whereIcannotdepicthimtomyselfotherwisethanattendedinthedistancebyhisflockofgeese（birdssacredtoJupiter）——andheaddressesmeinthestillnessofthatpassionlessregion，neitherlightnordarkness，neithersoundnorsilence，andheavingendlesslywithbillowymistsfromtheimpalpablemultitudesoftheswarmingdead，IthinkIknowwhatanswertomake。
Iwouldsay，afterlisteningcourteouslytotheunvibratingtoneofhismeasuredremonstrances，whichshouldnotdisturb，ofcourse，thesolemneternityofstillnessintheleast——Iwouldsaysomethinglikethis：
\"Itistrue，Almayer，thatintheworldbelowIhaveconvertedyournametomyownuses。Butthatisaverysmalllarceny。
What’sinaname，OShade？Ifsomuchofyouroldmortalweaknessclingstoyouyetastomakeyoufeelaggrieved（itwasthenoteofyourearthlyvoice，Almayer），then，Ientreatyou，seekspeechwithoutdelaywithoursublimefellow-Shade——withhimwho，inhistransientexistenceasapoet，commenteduponthesmelloftherose。Hewillcomfortyou。Youcametomestrippedofallprestigebymen’squeersmilesandthedisrespectfulchatterofeveryvagranttraderintheIslands。Yournamewasthecommonpropertyofthewinds：it，asitwere，floatednakedoverthewatersabouttheEquator。Iwrappedrounditsunhonouredformtheroyalmantleofthetropicsandhaveessayedtoputintothehollowsoundtheveryanguishofpaternity——featswhichyoudidnotdemandfromme——butrememberthatallthetoilandallthepainweremine。Inyourearthlylifeyouhauntedme，Almayer。Considerthatthiswastakingagreatliberty。Sinceyouwerealwayscomplainingofbeinglosttotheworld，youshouldrememberthatifIhadnotbelievedenoughinyourexistencetoletyouhauntmyroomsinBessboroughGardens，youwouldhavebeenmuchmorelost。YouaffirmthathadIbeencapableoflookingatyouwithamoreperfectdetachmentandagreatersimplicity，Imighthaveperceivedbettertheinwardmarvellousnesswhich，youinsist，attendedyourcareeruponthattinypin-pointoflight，hardlyvisiblefar，farbelowus，wherebothourgraveslie。Nodoubt！Butreflect，OcomplainingShade！thatthiswasnotsomuchmyfaultasyourcrowningmisfortune。Ibelievedinyouintheonlywayitwaspossibleformetobelieve。Itwasnotworthyofyourmerits？Sobeit。
Butyouwerealwaysanunluckyman，Almayer。Nothingwaseverquiteworthyofyou。Whatmadeyousorealtomewasthatyouheldthisloftytheorywithsomeforceofconvictionandwithanadmirableconsistency。\"
ItiswithsomesuchwordstranslatedintothepropershadowyexpressionsthatIampreparedtoplacateAlmayerintheElysianAbodeofShades，sinceithascometopassthathavingpartedmanyyearsago，wearenevertomeetagaininthisworld。
ChapterV。
Inthecareerofthemostunliteraryofwriters，inthesensethatliteraryambitionhadneverenteredtheworldofhisimagination，thecomingintoexistenceofthefirstbookisquiteaninexplicableevent。InmyowncaseIcannottraceitbacktoanymentalorpsychologicalcausewhichonecouldpointoutandholdto。Thegreatestofmygiftsbeingaconsummatecapacityfordoingnothing，Icannotevenpointtoboredomasarationalstimulusfortakingupapen。Thepenatanyratewasthere，andthereisnothingwonderfulinthat。Everybodykeepsapen（thecoldsteelofourdays）inhisroomsinthisenlightenedageofpennystampsandhalfpennypostcards。Infact，thiswastheepochwhenbymeansofpostcardandpenMr。Gladstonehadmadethereputationofanovelortwo。AndItoohadapenrollingaboutsomewhere——theseldom-used，thereluctantly-taken-uppenofasailorashore，thepenruggedwiththedriedinkofabandonedattempts，ofanswersdelayedlongerthandecencypermitted，oflettersbegunwithinfinitereluctanceandputoffsuddenlytillnextday——tellnextweekaslikelyasnot！Theneglected，uncared-forpen，flungawayattheslightestprovocation，andunderthestressofdirenecessityhuntedforwithoutenthusiasm，inaperfunctory，grumpyworry，inthe\"Wherethedevilisthebeastlythinggoneto？\"ungraciousspirit。Whereindeed！Itmighthavebeenreposingbehindthesofaforadayorso。Mylandlady’sanaemicdaughter（asOllendorffwouldhaveexpressedit），thoughcommendablyneat，hadalordly，carelessmannerofapproachingherdomesticduties。Oritmightevenberestingdelicatelypoisedonitspointbythesideofthetable-leg，andwhenpickedupshowagaping，inefficientbeakwhichwouldhavediscouragedanymanofliteraryinstincts。Butnotme！\"Nevermind。Thiswilldo。\"
Odayswithoutguile！Ifanybodyhadtoldmethenthatadevotedhousehold，havingagenerallyexaggeratedideaofmytalentsandimportance，wouldbeputintoastateoftremorandflurrybythefussIwouldmakebecauseofasuspicionthatsomebodyhadtouchedmysacrosanctpenofauthorship，Iwouldhaveneverdeignedasmuchasthecontemptuoussmileofunbelief。Thereareimaginingstoounlikelyforanykindofnotice，toowildforindulgenceitself，tooabsurdforasmile。Perhaps，hadthatseerofthefuturebeenafriend，Ishouldhavebeensecretlysaddened。\"Alas！\"Iwouldhavethought，lookingathimwithanunmovedface，\"thepoorfellowisgoingmad。\"
Iwouldhavebeen，withoutdoubt，saddened;forinthisworldwherethejournalistsreadthesignsofthesky，andthewindofheavenitself，blowingwhereitlisteth，doessounderthepropheticalmanagementoftheMeteorologicalOffice，butwherethesecretofhumanheartscannotbecapturedeitherbypryingorpraying，itwasinfinitelymorelikelythatthesanestofmyfriendsshouldnursethegermofincipientmadnessthanthatI
shouldturnintoawriteroftales。
Tosurveywithwonderthechangesofone’sownselfisafascinatingpursuitforidlehours。Thefieldissowide，thesurprisessovaried，thesubjectsofullofunprofitablebutcurioushintsastotheworkofunseenforces，thatonedoesnotwearyeasilyofit。Iamnotspeakinghereofmegalomaniacswhorestuneasyunderthecrownoftheirunboundedconceit——whoreallyneverrestinthisworld，andwhenoutofitgoonfrettingandfumingonthestraitenedcircumstancesoftheirlasthabitation，whereallmenmustlieinobscureequality。NeitheramIthinkingofthoseambitiousmindswho，alwayslookingforwardtosomeaimofaggrandisement，cansparenotimeforadetached，impersonalglanceuponthemselves。
Andthat’sapity。Theyareunlucky。Thesetwokinds，togetherwiththemuchlargerbandofthetotallyunimaginative，ofthoseunfortunatebeingsinwhoseemptyandunseeinggaze（asagreatFrenchwriterhasputit）\"thewholeuniversevanishesintoblanknothingness，\"miss，perhaps，thetruetaskofusmenwhosedayisshortonthisearth，theabodeofconflictingopinions。Theethicalviewoftheuniverseinvolvesusatlastinsomanycruelandabsurdcontradictions，wherethelastvestigesoffaith，hope，charity，andevenofreasonitself，seemreadytoperish，thatIhavecometosuspectthattheaimofcreationcannotbeethicalatall。Iwouldfondlybelievethatitsobjectispurelyspectacular：aspectacleforawe，love，adoration，orhate，ifyoulike，butinthisview——andinthisviewalone——neverfordespair！Thosevisions，deliciousorpoignant，areamoralendinthemselves。Therestisouraffair——thelaughter，thetears，thetenderness，theindignation，thehightranquillityofasteeledheart，thedetachedcuriosityofasubtlemind——that’souraffair！Andtheunweariedself-forgetfulattentiontoeveryphaseofthelivinguniversereflectedinourconsciousnessmaybeourappointedtaskonthisearth。Ataskinwhichfatehasperhapsengagednothingofusexceptourconscience，giftedwithavoiceinordertobeartruetestimonytothevisiblewonder，thehauntingterror，theinfinitepassionandtheillimitableserenity;tothesupremelawandtheabidingmysteryofthesublimespectacle。
Chilosa？Itmaybetrue。Inthisviewthereisroomforeveryreligionexceptfortheinvertedcreedofimpiety，themaskandcloakofariddespair;foreveryjoyandeverysorrow，foreveryfairdream，foreverycharitablehope。Thegreataimistoremaintruetotheemotionscalledoutofthedeepencircledbythefirmamentofstars，whoseinfinitenumbersandawfuldistancesmaymoveustolaughterortears（wasittheWalrusortheCarpenter，inthepoem，who\"wepttoseesuchquantitiesofsand\"？），or，again，toaproperlysteeledheart，maymatternothingatall。
Thecasualquotation，whichhadsuggesteditselfoutofapoemfullofmerit，leadsmetoremarkthatintheconceptionofapurelyspectacularuniverse，whereinspirationofeverysorthasarationalexistence，theartistofeverykindfindsanaturalplace;andamongstthemthepoetastheseerparexcellence。
Eventhewriterofprose，whoinhislessnobleandmoretoilsometaskshouldbeamanwiththesteeledheart，isworthyofaplace，providinghelooksonwithundimmedeyesandkeepslaughteroutofhisvoice，letwhowilllaughorcry。Yes！Evenhe，theproseartistoffiction，whichafterallisbuttruthoftendraggedoutofawellandclothedinthepaintedrobeofimagedphrases——evenhehashisplaceamongstkings，demagogues，priests，charlatans，dukes，giraffes，CabinetMinisters，Fabians，bricklayers，apostles，ants，scientists，Kaffirs，soldiers，sailors，elephants，lawyers，dandies，microbesandconstellationsofauniversewhoseamazingspectacleisamoralendinitself。
HereIperceive（speakingwithoutoffence）thereaderassumingasubtleexpression，asifthecatwereoutofthebag。Itakethenovelist’sfreedomtoobservethereader’smindformulatingtheexclamation，\"That’sit！Thefellowtalksprodomo。\"
Indeeditwasnottheintention！WhenIshoulderedthebagIwasnotawareofthecatinside。But，afterall，whynot？ThefaircourtyardsoftheHouseofArtarethrongedbymanyhumbleretainers。Andthereisnoretainersodevotedashewhoisallowedtositonthedoorstep。Thefellowswhohavegotinsideareapttothinktoomuchofthemselves。Thislastremark，Ibegtostate，isnotmaliciouswithinthedefinitionofthelawoflibel。It’sfaircommentonamatterofpublicinterest。Butnevermind。Prodomo。Sobeit。Forhishousetantquevousvoudrez。AndyetintruthIwasbynomeansanxioustojustifymyexistence。Theattemptwouldhavebeennotonlyneedlessandabsurd，butalmostinconceivable，inapurelyspectacularuniverse，wherenosuchdisagreeablenecessitycanpossiblyarise。Itissufficientformetosay（andIamsayingitatsomelengthinthesepages）：\"J’aivecu。\"Ihaveexisted，obscureamongstthewondersandterrorsofmytime，astheAbbeSieyes，theoriginaluttererofthequotedwords，hadmanagedtoexistthroughtheviolences，thecrimes，andtheenthusiasmsoftheFrenchRevolution。\"J’aivecu\"，asIapprehendmostofusmanagetoexist，missingallalongthevariedformsofdestructionbyahair’s-breadth，savingmybody，that’sclear，andperhapsmysoulalso，butnotwithoutsomedamagehereandtheretothefineedgeofmyconscience，thatheirloomoftheages，oftherace，ofthegroup，ofthefamily，colourableandplastic，fashionedbythewords，thelooks，theacts，andevenbythesilencesandabstentionssurroundingone’schildhood;tingedinacompleteschemeofdelicateshadesandcrudecoloursbytheinheritedtraditions，beliefs，orprejudices——unaccountable，despotic，persuasive，andoften，initstexture，romantic。
Andoftenromantic！……Thematterinhand，however，istokeepthesereminiscencesfromturningintoconfessions，aformofliteraryactivitydiscreditedbyJeanJacquesRousseauonaccountoftheextremethoroughnesshebroughttotheworkofjustifyinghisownexistence;forthatsuchwashispurposeispalpably，evengrossly，visibletoanunprejudicedeye。Butthen，yousee，themanwasnotawriteroffiction。Hewasanartlessmoralist，asisclearlydemonstratedbyhisanniversariesbeingcelebratedwithmarkedemphasisbytheheirsoftheFrenchRevolution，whichwasnotapoliticalmovementatall，butagreatoutburstofmorality。Hehadnoimagination，asthemostcasualperusalof\"Emile\"willprove。Hewasnonovelist，whosefirstvirtueistheexactunderstandingofthelimitstracedbytherealityofhistimetotheplayofhisinvention。Inspirationcomesfromtheearth，whichhasapast，ahistory，afuture，notfromthecoldandimmutableheaven。Awriterofimaginativeprose（evenmorethananyothersortofartist）standsconfessedinhisworks。Hisconscience，hisdeepersenseofthings，lawfulandunlawful，giveshimhisattitudebeforetheworld。Indeed，everyonewhoputspentopaperforthereadingofstrangers（unlessamoralist，who，generallyspeaking，hasnoconscienceexcepttheoneheisatpainstoproducefortheuseofothers）canspeakofnothingelse。ItisM。AnatoleFrance，themosteloquentandjustofFrenchprosewriters，whosaysthatwemustrecogniseatlastthat，\"failingtheresolutiontoholdourpeace，wecanonlytalkofourselves。\"
Thisremark，ifIrememberrightly，wasmadeinthecourseofasparringmatchwiththelateFerdinandBrunetiereovertheprinciplesandrulesofliterarycriticism。Aswasfittingforamantowhomweowethememorablesaying，\"Thegoodcriticishewhorelatestheadventuresofhissoulamongstmasterpieces，\"M。
AnatoleFrancemaintainedthattherewerenorulesandnoprinciples。Andthatmaybeverytrue。Rules，principlesandstandardsdieandvanisheveryday。Perhapstheyarealldeadandvanishedbythistime。These，ifever，arethebrave，freedaysofdestroyedlandmarks，whiletheingeniousmindsarebusyinventingtheformsofthenewbeaconswhich，itisconsolingtothink，willbesetuppresentlyintheoldplaces。Butwhatisinterestingtoawriteristhepossessionofaninwardcertitudethatliterarycriticismwillneverdie，forman（sovariouslydefined）is，beforeeverythingelse，acriticalanimal。And，aslongasdistinguishedmindsarereadytotreatitinthespiritofhighadventure，literarycriticismshallappealtouswithallthecharmandwisdomofawell-toldtaleofpersonalexperience。
ForEnglishmenespecially，ofalltheracesoftheearth，atask，anytask，undertakeninanadventurousspiritacquiresthemeritofromance。Butthecriticsasaruleexhibitbutlittleofanadventurousspirit。Theytakerisks，ofcourse——onecanhardlylivewithoutthat。Thedailybreadisservedouttous（howeversparingly）withapinchofsalt。Otherwiseonewouldgetsickofthedietonepraysfor，andthatwouldbenotonlyimproper，butimpious。Fromimpietyofthatoranyotherkind——saveus！Anidealofreservedmanner，adheredtofromasenseofproprieties，fromshyness，perhaps，orcaution，orsimplyfromweariness，induces，Isuspect，somewritersofcriticismtoconcealtheadventuroussideoftheircalling，andthenthecriticismbecomesamere\"notice，\"asitweretherelationofajourneywherenothingbutthedistancesandthegeologyofanewcountryshouldbesetdown;theglimpsesofstrangebeasts，thedangersoffloodandfield，thehair’s-breadthescapes，andthesufferings（oh，thesufferingstoo！Ihavenodoubtofthesufferings）ofthetravellerbeingcarefullykeptout;noshadyspot，nofruitfulplantbeingevermentionedeither;sothatthewholeperformancelookslikeamerefeatofagilityonthepartofatrainedpenrunninginadesert。Acruelspectacle——amostdeplorableadventure。\"Life，\"inthewordsofanimmortalthinkerof，I
shouldsay，bucolicorigin，butwhoseperishablenameislosttotheworshipofposterity——\"lifeisnotallbeerandskittles。\"
Neitheristhewritingofnovels。Itisn’treally。Jevousdonnemaparoled’honneurthatit——is——not。Notall。Iamthusemphaticbecausesomeyearsago，Iremember，thedaughterofageneral……
Suddenrevelationsoftheprofaneworldmusthavecomenowandthentohermitsintheircells，tothecloisteredmonksofMiddleAges，tolonelysages，menofscience，reformers;therevelationsoftheworld’ssuperficialjudgment，shockingtothesoulsconcentratedupontheirownbitterlabourinthecauseofsanctity，orofknowledge，oroftemperance，letussay，orofart，ifonlytheartofcrackingjokesorplayingtheflute。Andthusthisgeneral’sdaughtercametome——orIshouldsayoneofthegeneral’sdaughtersdid。Therewerethreeofthesebachelorladies，ofnicelygraduatedages，whoheldaneighbouringfarmhouseinaunitedandmoreorlessmilitaryoccupation。Theeldestwarredagainstthedecayofmannersinthevillagechildren，andexecutedfrontalattacksuponthevillagemothersfortheconquestofcurtseys。Itsoundsfutile，butitwasreallyawarforanidea。Thesecondskirmishedandscoutedalloverthecountry;anditwasthatonewhopushedareconnaissancerighttomyverytable——Imeantheonewhoworestand-upcollars。
Shewasreallycallinguponmywifeinthesoftspiritofafternoonfriendliness，butwithherusualmartialdetermination。
Shemarchedintomyroomswingingherstick……butno——Imustn’texaggerate。Itisnotmyspeciality。Iamnotahumoristicwriter。Inallsoberness，then，allIamcertainofisthatshehadasticktoswing。
Noditchorwallencompassedmyabode。Thewindowwasopen;thedoortoostoodopentothatbestfriendofmywork，thewarm，stillsunshineofthewidefields。Theylayaroundmeinfinitelyhelpful，buttruthtosayIhadnotknownforweekswhetherthesunshoneupontheearthandwhetherthestarsabovestillmovedontheirappointedcourses。Iwasjustthengivingupsomedaysofmyallottedspantothelastchaptersofthenovel\"Nostromo，\"
ataleofanimaginary（buttrue）seaboard，whichisstillmentionednowandagain，andindeedkindly，sometimesinconnectionwiththeword\"failure\"andsometimesinconjunctionwiththeword\"astonishing。\"Ihavenoopiniononthisdiscrepancy。It’sthesortofdifferencethatcanneverbesettled。AllIknowisthat，fortwentymonths，neglectingthecommonjoysoflifethatfalltothelotofthehumblestonthisearth，Ihad，liketheprophetofold，\"wrestledwiththeLord\"
formycreation，fortheheadlandsofthecoast，forthedarknessofthePlacidGulf，thelightonthesnows，thecloudsonthesky，andforthebreathoflifethathadtobeblownintotheshapesofmenandwomen，ofLatinandSaxon，ofJewandGentile。
Theseare，perhaps，strongwords，butitisdifficulttocharacteriseotherwisetheintimacyandthestrainofacreativeeffortinwhichmindandwillandconscienceareengagedtothefull，hourafterhour，dayafterday，awayfromtheworld，andtotheexclusionofallthatmakeslifereallylovableandgentle——
somethingforwhichamaterialparallelcanonlybefoundintheeverlastingsombrestressofthewestwardwinterpassageroundCapeHorn。ForthattooisthewrestlingofmenwiththemightoftheirCreator，inagreatisolationfromtheworld，withouttheamenitiesandconsolationsoflife，alonelystruggleunderasenseofover-matchedlittleness，fornorewardthatcouldbeadequate，butforthemerewinningofalongitude。Yetacertainlongitude，oncewon，cannotbedisputed。Thesunandthestarsandtheshapeofyoureartharethewitnessesofyourgain;
whereasahandfulofpages，nomatterhowmuchyouhavemadethemyourown，areatbestbutanobscureandquestionablespoil。
Heretheyare。\"Failure\"——\"Astonishing\"：takeyourchoice;orperhapsboth，orneither——amererustleandflutterofpiecesofpapersettlingdowninthenight，andundistinguishable，likethesnowflakesofagreatdriftdestinedtomeltawayinthesunshine。
\"Howdoyoudo？\"
Itwasthegreetingofthegeneral’sdaughter。Ihadheardnothing——norustle，nofootsteps。Ihadfeltonlyamomentbeforeasortofpremonitionofevil;Ihadthesenseofaninauspiciouspresence——justthatmuchwarningandnomore;andthencamethesoundofthevoiceandthejarasofaterriblefallfromagreatheight——afall，letussay，fromthehighestofthecloudsfloatingingentleprocessionoverthefieldsinthefaintwesterlyairofthatJulyafternoon。Ipickedmyselfupquickly，ofcourse;inotherwords，Ijumpedupfrommychairstunnedanddazed，everynervequiveringwiththepainofbeinguprootedoutofoneworldandflungdownintoanother——perfectlycivil。
\"Oh！Howdoyoudo？Won’tyousitdown？\"
That’swhatIsaid。Thishorriblebut，Iassureyou，perfectlytruereminiscencetellsyoumorethanawholevolumeofconfessionsalaJeanJacquesRousseauwoulddo。Observe！I
didn’thowlather，orstartupsettingfurniture，orthrowmyselfonthefloorandkick，orallowmyselftohintinanyotherwayattheappallingmagnitudeofthedisaster。ThewholeworldofCostaguana（thecountry，youmayremember，ofmyseaboardtale），men，women，headlands，houses，mountains，town，campo（therewasnotasinglebrick，stone，orgrainofsandofitssoilIhadnotplacedinpositionwithmyownhands）;allthehistory，geography，politics，finance;thewealthofCharlesGould’ssilver-mine，andthesplendourofthemagnificentCapatazdeCargadores，whosename，criedoutinthenight（Dr。Monyghamhearditpassoverhishead——inLindaViola’svoice），dominatedevenafterdeaththedarkgulfcontaininghisconquestsoftreasureandlove——allthathadcomedowncrashingaboutmyears。
IfeltIcouldneverpickupthepieces——andinthatverymomentIwassaying，\"Won’tyousitdown？\"
Theseaisstrongmedicine。Beholdwhatthequarter-decktrainingeveninamerchantshipwilldo！ThisepisodeshouldgiveyouanewviewoftheEnglishandScotsseamen（amuch-
caricaturedfolk）whohadthelastsayintheformationofmycharacter。Oneisnothingifnotmodest，butinthisdisasterI
thinkIhavedonesomehonourtotheirsimpleteaching。\"Won’tyousitdown？\"Veryfair;veryfairindeed。Shesatdown。Heramusedglancestrayedallovertheroom。TherewerepagesofMS。
onthetableandunderthetable，abatchoftypedcopyonachair，singleleaveshadflutteredawayintodistantcorners;
thereweretherelivingpages，pagesscoredandwounded，deadpagesthatwouldbeburntattheendoftheday——thelitterofacruelbattlefield，ofalong，longanddesperatefray。Long！I
supposeIwenttobedsometimes，andgotupthesamenumberoftimes。Yes，IsupposeIslept，andatethefoodputbeforeme，andtalkedconnectedlytomyhouseholdonsuitableoccasions。
ButIhadneverbeenawareoftheevenflowofdailylife，madeeasyandnoiselessformebyasilent，watchful，tirelessaffection。Indeed，itseemedtomethatIhadbeensittingatthattablesurroundedbythelitterofadesperatefrayfordaysandnightsonend。Itseemedso，becauseoftheintensewearinessofwhichthatinterruptionhadmademeaware——theawfuldisenchantmentofamindrealisingsuddenlythefutilityofanenormoustask，joinedtoabodilyfatiguesuchasnoordinaryamountoffairlyheavyphysicallabourcouldeveraccountfor。I
havecarriedbagsofwheatonmyback，bentalmostdoubleunderaship’sdeck-beams，fromsixinthemorningtillsixintheevening（withanhourandahalfoffformeals），soIoughttoknow。
AndIloveletters。Iamjealousoftheirhonourandconcernedforthedignityandcomelinessoftheirservice。Iwas，mostlikely，theonlywriterthatneatladyhadevercaughtintheexerciseofhiscraft，anditdistressedmenottobeabletorememberwhenitwasthatIdressedmyselflast，andhow。Nodoubtthatwouldbeallrightinessentials。Thefortuneofthehouseincludedapairofgrey-bluewatchfuleyesthatwouldseetothat。ButIfeltsomehowasgrimyasaCostaguanaleperoafteraday’sfightinginthestreets，rumpledalloveranddishevelleddowntomyveryheels。AndIamafraidIblinkedstupidly。Allthiswasbadforthehonouroflettersandthedignityoftheirservice。Seenindistinctlythroughthedustofmycollapseduniverse，thegoodladyglancedabouttheroomwithaslightlyamusedserenity。Andshewassmiling。Whatonearthwasshesmilingat？Sheremarkedcasually：
\"IamafraidIinterruptedyou。\"
\"Notatall。\"
Sheacceptedthedenialinperfectgoodfaith。Anditwasstrictlytrue。Interrupted——indeed！Shehadrobbedmeofatleasttwentylives，eachinfinitelymorepoignantandrealthanherown，becauseinformedwithpassion，possessedofconvictions，involvedingreataffairscreatedoutofmyownsubstanceforananxiouslymeditatedend。
Sheremainedsilentforawhile，thensaidwithalastglanceallroundatthelitterofthefray：
\"Andyousitlikethisherewritingyour——your……\"
\"I——what？Oh，yes，Isithereallday。\"
\"Itmustbeperfectlydelightful。\"
Isupposethat，beingnolongerveryyoung，Imighthavebeenonthevergeofhavingastroke;butshehadleftherdogintheporch，andmyboy’sdog，patrollingthefieldinfront，hadespiedhimfromafar。Hecameonstraightandswiftlikeacannon-ball，andthenoiseofthefight，whichburstsuddenlyuponourears，wasmorethanenoughtoscareawayafitofapoplexy。Wewentouthastilyandseparatedthegallantanimals。
AfterwardsItoldtheladywhereshewouldfindmywife——justroundthecorner，underthetrees。Shenoddedandwentoffwithherdog，leavingmeappalledbeforethedeathanddevastationshehadlightlymade——andwiththeawfullyinstructivesoundoftheword\"delightful\"lingeringinmyears。
Nevertheless，lateron，Idulyescortedhertothefieldgate。I
wantedtobecivil，ofcourse（whataretwentylivesinamerenovelthatoneshouldberudetoaladyontheiraccount？），butmainly，toadoptthegoodsoundOllendorffianstyle，becauseI
didnotwantthedogofthegeneral’sdaughtertofightagain（encore）withthefaithfuldogofmyinfantson（monpetitgarcon）。——WasIafraidthatthedogofthegeneral’sdaughterwouldbeabletoovercome（vaincre）thedogofmychild？——No，I
wasnotafraid……ButawaywiththeOllendorffmethod。HoweverappropriateandseeminglyunavoidablewhenItouchuponanythingappertainingtothelady，itismostunsuitabletotheorigin，characterandhistoryofthedog;forthedogwasthegifttothechildfromamanforwhomwordshadanythingbutanOllendorffianvalue，amanalmostchildlikeintheimpulsivemovementsofhisuntutoredgenius，themostsingle-mindedofverbalimpressionists，usinghisgreatgiftsofstraightfeelingandrightexpressionwithafinesincerityandastrongif，perhaps，notfullyconsciousconviction。Hisartdidnotobtain，Ifear，allthecredititsunsophisticatedinspirationdeserved。IamalludingtothelateStephenCrane，theauthorof\"TheRedBadgeofCourage，\"aworkofimaginationwhichfounditsshortmomentofcelebrityinthelastdecadeofthedepartedcentury。Otherbooksfollowed。Notmany。Hehadnotthetime。Itwasanindividualandcompletetalent，whichobtainedbutagrudging，somewhatsuperciliousrecognitionfromtheworldatlarge。Forhimselfonehesitatestoregrethisearlydeath。Likeoneofthemeninhis\"OpenBoat，\"onefeltthathewasofthosewhomfateseldomallowstomakeasafelandingaftermuchtoilandbitternessattheoar。Iconfesstoanabidingaffectionforthatenergetic，slight，fragile，intenselylivingandtransientfigure。Helikedmeevenbeforewemetonthestrengthofapageortwoofmywriting，andafterwehadmetIamgladtothinkhelikedmestill。Heusedtopointouttomewithgreatearnestness，andevenwithsomeseverity，that\"aboyoughttohaveadog。\"Isuspectthathewasshockedatmyneglectofparentalduties。Ultimatelyitwashewhoprovidedthedog。
Shortlyafterwards，oneday，afterplayingwiththechildontherugforanhourorsowiththemostintenseabsorption，heraisedhisheadanddeclaredfirmly：\"Ishallteachyourboytoride。\"
Thatwasnottobe。Hewasnotgiventhetime。
Buthereisthedog——anolddognow。Broadandlowonhisbandypaws，withablackheadonawhitebodyandaridiculousblackspotattheotherendofhim，heprovokes，whenhewalksabroad，smilesnotaltogetherunkind。Grotesqueandengaginginthewholeofhisappearance，hisusualattitudesaremeek，buthistemperamentdisclosesitselfunexpectedlypugnaciousinthepresenceofhiskind。Asheliesinthefirelight，hisheadwellup，andafixed，far-awaygazedirectedattheshadowsoftheroom，heachievesastrikingnobilityofposeinthecalmconsciousnessofanunstainedlife。Hehasbroughtuponebaby，andnow，afterseeinghisfirstchargeofftoschool，heisbringingupanotherwiththesameconscientiousdevotion，butwithamoredeliberategravityofmanner，thesignofgreaterwisdomandriperexperience，butalsoofrheumatism，Ifear。
Fromthemorningbathtotheeveningceremoniesofthecotyouattend，oldfriend，thelittletwo-leggedcreatureofyouradoption，beingyourselftreatedintheexerciseofyourdutieswitheverypossibleregard，withinfiniteconsideration，byeverypersoninthehouse——evenasImyselfamtreated;onlyyoudeserveitmore。Thegeneral’sdaughterwouldtellyouthatitmustbe\"perfectlydelightful。\"
Aha！olddog。Sheneverheardyouyelpwithacutepain（it’sthatpoorleftear）thewhile，withincredibleself-command，youpreservearigidimmobilityforfearofoverturningthelittletwo-leggedcreature。Shehasneverseenyourresignedsmilewhenthelittletwo-leggedcreature，interrogatedsternly，\"Whatareyoudoingtothegooddog？\"answerswithawide，innocentstare：
\"Nothing。Onlylovinghim，mammadear！\"
Thegeneral’sdaughterdoesnotknowthesecrettermsofself-
imposedtasks，gooddog，thepainthatmaylurkintheveryrewardsofrigidself-command。Butwehavelivedtogethermanyyears。Wehavegrownolder，too;andthoughourworkisnotquitedoneyetwemayindulgenowandtheninalittleintrospectionbeforethefire——meditateontheartofbringingupbabiesandontheperfectdelightofwritingtaleswheresomanylivescomeandgoatthecostofonewhichslipsimperceptiblyaway。
ChapterVI。
Intheretrospectofalifewhichhad，besidesitspreliminarystageofchildhoodandearlyyouth，twodistinctdevelopments，andeventwodistinctelements，suchasearthandwater，foritssuccessivescenes，acertainamountofnaivenessisunavoidable。
Iamconsciousofitinthesepages。Thisremarkisputforwardinnoapologeticspirit。Asyearsgobyandthenumberofpagesgrowssteadily，thefeelinggrowsupononetoothatonecanwriteonlyforfriends。Thenwhyshouldoneputthemtothenecessityofprotesting（asafriendwoulddo）thatnoapologyisnecessary，orput，perchance，intotheirheadsthedoubtofone’sdiscretion？Somuchastothecareduetothosefriendswhomawordhere，alinethere，afortunatepageofjustfeelingintherightplace，somehappysimplicity，orevensomeluckysubtlety，hasdrawnfromthegreatmultitudeoffellow-beingsevenasafishisdrawnfromthedepthsofthesea。Fishingisnotoriously（Iamtalkingnowofthedeepsea）amatterofluck。Astoone’senemies，thosewilltakecareofthemselves。
Thereisagentleman，forinstance，who，metaphoricallyspeaking，jumpsuponmewithbothfeet。Thisimagehasnograce，butitisexceedinglyapttotheoccasion——totheseveraloccasions。I
don’tknowpreciselyhowlonghehadbeenindulginginthatintermittentexercise，whoseseasonsareruledbythecustomofthepublishingtrade。Somebodypointedhimout（inprintedshape，ofcourse）tomyattentionsometimeago，andstraightwayIexperiencedasortofreluctantaffectionforthatrobustman。
Heleavesnotashredofmysubstanceuntrodden：forthewriter’ssubstanceishiswriting;therestofhimisbutavainshadow，cherishedorhatedonuncriticalgrounds。Notashred！
Yetthesentimentownedtoisnotafreakofaffectationorperversity。Ithasadeeper，and，Iventuretothink，amoreestimableoriginthanthecapriceofemotionallawlessness。Itis，indeed，lawful，insomuchthatitisgiven（reluctantly）foraconsideration，forseveralconsiderations。Thereisthatrobustness，forinstance，sooftenthesignofgoodmoralbalance。That’saconsideration。Itisnot，indeed，pleasanttobestampedupon，buttheverythoroughnessoftheoperation，implyingnotonlyacarefulreading，butsomerealinsightintoworkwhosequalitiesanddefects，whatevertheymaybe，arenotsomuchonthesurface，issomethingtobethankfulforinviewofthefactthatitmayhappentoone’sworktobecondemnedwithoutbeingreadatall。Thisisthemostfatuousadventurethatcanwellhappentoawriterventuringhissoulamongstcriticisms。Itcandoonenoharm，ofcourse，butitisdisagreeable。Itisdisagreeableinthesamewayasdiscoveringathree-card-trickmanamongstadecentlotoffolkinathird-
classcompartment。Theopenimpudenceofthewholetransaction，appealinginsidiouslytothefollyandcredulityofmankind，thebrazen，shamelesspatter，proclaimingthefraudopenlywhileinsistingonthefairnessofthegame，giveoneafeelingofsickeningdisgust。Thehonestviolenceofaplainmanplayingafairgamefairly——evenifhemeanstoknockyouover——mayappearshocking，butitremainswithinthepaleofdecency。Damagingasitmaybe，itisinnosenseoffensive。Onemaywellfeelsomeregardforhonesty，evenifpractiseduponone’sownvilebody。
Butitisveryobviousthatanenemyofthatsortwillnotbestayedbyexplanationsorplacatedbyapologies。WereItoadvancethepleaofyouthinexcuseofthenaivenesstobefoundinthesepages，hewouldbelikelytosay\"Bosh！\"inacolumnandahalfoffierceprint。Yetawriterisnoolderthanhisfirstpublishedbook，and，notwithstandingthevainappearancesofdecaywhichattendusinthistransitorylife，Istandherewiththewreathofonlyfifteenshortsummersonmybrow。
Withtheremark，then，thatatsuchtenderagesomenaivenessoffeelingandexpressionisexcusable，Iproceedtoadmitthat，uponthewhole，mypreviousstateofexistencewasnotagoodequipmentforaliterarylife。PerhapsIshouldnothaveusedthewordliterary。Thatwordpresupposesanintimacyofacquaintancewithletters，aturnofmindandamanneroffeelingtowhichI
darelaynoclaim。Ionlyloveletters;buttheloveoflettersdoesnotmakealiteraryman，anymorethantheloveoftheseamakesaseaman。Anditisverypossible，too，thatIlovethelettersinthesamewayaliterarymanmaylovetheseahelooksatfromtheshore——asceneofgreatendeavourandofgreatachievementschangingthefaceoftheworld，thegreatopenwaytoallsortsofundiscoveredcountries。No，perhapsIhadbettersaythatthelifeatsea——andIdon’tmeanameretasteofit，butagoodbroadspanofyears，somethingthatreallycountsasrealservice——isnot，uponthewhole，agoodequipmentforawritinglife。Godforbid，though，thatIshouldbethoughtofasdenyingmymastersofthequarter-deck。Iamnotcapableofthatsortofapostasy。Ihaveconfessedmyattitudeofpietytowardstheirshadesinthreeorfourtales，andifanymanonearthmorethananotherneedstobetruetohimselfashehopestobesaved，itiscertainlythewriteroffiction。
