REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Insomeyears，sir，notone。Mud，filth，gas-
dregs，lock-weirs，andthemarchofmind，developedintheformofpoaching，haveruinedthefishery。But，whenwedocatchasalmon，happythemantowhomhefalls。
MR。MACQUEDY。Iconfess，sir，thisisexcellent：butIcannotseewhyitshouldbebetterthanaTweedsalmonatKelso。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sir，IwilltakeaglassofHockwithyou。
MR。MACQUEDY。Withallmyheart，sir。Thereareseveralvarietiesofthesalmongenus：butthecommonsalmon，thesalmosalar，isonlyonespecies，oneandthesameeverywhere，justlikethehumanmind。Localityandeducationmakeallthedifference。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Education！Well，sir，Ihavenodoubtschoolsforallarejustasfitforthespeciessalmosalarasforthegenushomo。Butyoumustallowthatthespecimenbeforeushasfinishedhiseducationinamannerthatdoeshonourtohiscollege。
However，Idoubtthatthesalmosalarisonlyonespecies，thatistosay，preciselyalikeinalllocalities。Iholdthateveryriverhasitsownbreed，withessentialdifferences;inflavourespecially。Andasforthehumanmind，Idenythatitisthesameinallmen。IholdthatthereiseveryvarietyofnaturalcapacityfromtheidiottoNewtonandShakespeare;themassofmankind，midwaybetweentheseextremes，beingblockheadsofdifferentdegrees;educationleavingthemprettynearlyasitfoundthem，withthissingledifference，thatitgivesafixeddirectiontotheirstupidity，asortofincurablewrynecktothethingtheycalltheirunderstanding。Soonenosepointsalwayseast，andanotheralwayswest，andeachisreadytoswearthatitpointsduenorth。
MR。CROTCHET。Ifthatbethepointoftruth，veryfewintellectualnosespointduenorth。
MR。MACQUEDY。OnlythosethatpointtotheModernAthens。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Whereallnativenosespointsouthward。
MR。MACQUEDY。Eh，sir，northwardforwisdom，andsouthwardforprofit。
MR。CROTCHET，JUN。Champagne，doctor？
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Mostwillingly。Butyouwillpermitmydrinkingitwhileitsparkles。Iholditaheresytoletitdeadeninmyhand，whiletheglassofmycompotatorisbeingfilledontheoppositesideofthetable。By-the-bye，Captain，yourememberapassageinAthenaeus，wherehecitesMenanderonthesubjectoffish-sauce：[Greektext]。（TheCaptainwasaghastforananswerthatwouldsatisfybothhisneighbours，whenhewasrelievedbythedivinecontinuing。）Thescienceoffish-sauce，Mr。MacQuedy，isbynomeansbroughttoperfection;afinefieldofdiscoverystillliesopeninthatline。
MR。MACQUEDY。Nay，sir，beyondlobster-sauce，Itakeit，yecannotgo。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Intheirline，Igrantyou，oysterandlobster-
saucearethepillarsofHercules。ButIspeakofthecruetsauces，wherethequintessenceofthesapidiscondensedinaphial。Icantasteinmymind’spalateacombination，which，ifI
couldgiveitreality，Iwouldchristenwiththenameofmycollege，andhanditdowntoposterityasaseatoflearningindeed。
MR。MACQUEDY。Well，sir，Iwishyousuccess，butIcannotletslipthequestionwestartedjustnow。Isay，cuttingoffidiots，whohavenomindsatall，allmindsarebynaturealike。Education（whichbeginsfromtheirbirth）makesthemwhattheyare。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。No，sir，itmakestheirtendencies，nottheirpower。Caesarwouldhavebeenthefirstwrestleronthevillagecommon。EducationmighthavemadehimaNadirShah;itmightalsohavemadehimaWashington;itcouldnothavemadehimamerry-
andrew，forournewspaperstoextolasamodelofeloquence。
MR。MACQUEDY。Now，sir，Ithinkeducationwouldhavemadehimjustanything，andfitforanystation，fromthethronetothestocks;saintorsinner，aristocratordemocrat，judge，counsel，orprisoneratthebar。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Iwillthankyouforasliceoflamb，withlemonandpepper。BeforeIproceedwiththisdiscussion，——VindeGrave，Mr。Skionar，——Imustinterposeoneremark。Thereisasetofpersonsinyourcity，Mr。MacQuedy，whoconcoct，everythreeorfourmonths，athing，whichtheycallareview：asortofsugar-
plummanufacturerstotheWhigaristocracy。
MR。MACQUEDY。Icannottell，sir，exactly，whatyoumeanbythat;
butIhopeyouwillspeakofthosegentlemenwithrespect，seeingthatIamoneofthem。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sir，ImustdrownmyinadvertenceinaglassofSauternewithyou。Thereisasetofgentlemeninyourcity-
MR。MACQUEDY。Notinourcity，exactly;neitheraretheyaset。
Thereisaneditor，whoforagesforarticlesinallquarters，fromJohno’Groat’shousetotheLand’sEnd。Itisnotaboard，orasociety：itisamereintellectualbazaar，whereA，B，andC，bringtheirwarestomarket。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Well，sir，thesegentlemenamongthem，thepresentcompanyexcepted，havepractisedasmuchdishonestyas，inanyotherdepartmentthanliterature，wouldhavebroughtthepractitionerunderthecognisanceofthepolice。Inpolitics，theyhaveranwiththehareandhuntedwiththehound。Incriticism，theyhave，knowinglyandunblushingly，givenfalsecharacters，bothforgoodandforevil;stickingatnoartofmisrepresentation，toclearoutofthefieldofliteratureallwhostoodinthewayoftheinterestsoftheirownclique。Theyhaveneverallowedtheirownprofoundignoranceofanything（Greekforinstance）tothrowevenanairofhesitationintotheiroraculardecisiononthematter。Theysetanexampleofprofligatecontemptfortruth，ofwhichthesuccesswasinproportiontotheeffrontery;andwhentheirprosperityhadfilledthemarketwithcompetitors，theycriedoutagainsttheirownreflectedsin，asiftheyhadnevercommittedit，orwereentitledtoamonopolyofit。Thelatter，Iratherthink，waswhattheywanted。
MR。CROTCHET。Hermitage，doctor？
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Nothingbetter，sir。Thefatherwhofirstchosethesolitudeofthatvineyard，knewwellhowtocultivatehisspiritinretirement。Now，Mr。MacQuedy，AchilleswasdistinguishedabovealltheGreeksforhisinflexibleloveoftruth;couldeducationhavemadeAchillesoneofyourreviewers？
MR。MACQUEDY。Nodoubtofit，evenifyourcharacterofthemweretruetotheletter。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。AndIsay，sir——chickenandasparagus——Titanhadmadehimofbetterclay。IholdwithPindar，\"Allthatismostexcellentissobynature。\"[Greektext]。Educationcangivepurposes，butnotpowers;andwhateverpurposeshadbeengivenhim，hewouldhavegonestraightforwardtothem;straightforward，Mr。
MacQuedy。
MR。MACQUEDY。No，sir，educationmakestheman，powers，purposes，andall。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Thereisthepoint，sir，onwhichwejoinissue。
Severalothersofthecompanynowchimedinwiththeiropinions，whichgavethedivineanopportunitytodegustateoneortwosidedishes，andtotakeaglassofwinewitheachoftheyoungladies。
CHAPTERV：CHARACTERS
Ayimputeahonteplusquemediocreetrevuspectateurocieuxdetantvaillans，disertz，etchevalereuxpersonnaiges。
RABELAIS。
LADYCLARINDA（totheCaptain）。Ideclarethecreaturehasbeenlisteningtoallthisrigmarole，insteadofattendingtome。Doyoueverexpectforgiveness？Butnowthattheyarealltalkingtogether，andyoucannotmakeoutawordtheysay，northeyhearawordthatwesay，Iwilldescribethecompanytoyou。First，thereistheoldgentlemanonmylefthand，attheheadofthetable，whoisnowleaningtheotherwaytotalktomybrother。Heisagood-
tempered，half-informedperson，veryunreasonablyfondofreasoning，andofreasoningpeople;peoplethattalknonsenselogically：heisfondofdisputationhimself，whenthereareonlyoneortwo，butseldomdoesmorethanlisteninalargecompanyofillumines。Hemadeagreatfortuneinthecity，andhasthecomfortofagoodconscience。Heisveryhospitable，andisgenerousindinners;thoughnothingwouldinducehimtogivesixpencetothepoor，becauseheholdsthatallmisfortuneisfromimprudence，thatnonebuttherichoughttomarry，andthatalloughttothrivebyhonestindustry，ashedid。Heisambitiousoffoundingafamily，andofallyinghimselfwithnobility;andisthusaswillingasothergrownchildrentothrowawaythousandsforagew-gaw，thoughhewouldnotpartwithapennyforcharity。Nexttohimismybrother，whomyouknowaswellasIdo。Hehasfinishedhiseducationwithcredit，andasheneverventurestoopposemeinanything，Ihavenodoubtheisverysensible。Hehasgoodmanners，isamodelofdress，andisreckonedornamentalinallsocieties。NexttohimisMissCrotchet，mysister-in-lawthatistobe。Youseesheisratherpretty，andverygenteel。Sheistolerablyaccomplished，hashertablealwayscoveredwithnewnovels，thinksMr。MacQuedyanoracle，andisextremelydesiroustobecalled\"mylady。\"NexttoherisMr。Firedamp，averyabsurdperson，whothinksthatwateristheevilprinciple。NexttohimisMr。Eavesdrop，amanwho，bydintofacertainsomethinglikesmartness，hasgotintogoodsociety。Heisasortofbookseller’stool，andcoinsallhisacquaintanceinreminiscencesandsketchesofcharacter。Iamveryshyofhim，forfearheshouldprintme。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Ifheprintyouinyourownlikeness，whichisthatofanangel，youneednotfearhim。Ifheprintyouinanyother，Iwillcuthisthroat。Butproceed-
LADYCLARINDA。NexttohimisMr。Henbane，thetoxicologist，I
thinkhecallshimself。Hehaspassedhalfhislifeinstudyingpoisonsandantidotes。Thefirstthinghedidonhisarrivalherewastokillthecat;andwhileMissCrotchetwascryingoverher，hebroughthertolifeagain。Iammoreshyofhimthantheother。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Theyaretwoverydangerousfellows，andI
shalltakecaretokeepthembothatarespectfuldistance。LetushopethatEavesdropwillsketchoffHenbane，andthatHenbanewillpoisonhimforhistrouble。
LADYCLARINDA。Well，nexttohimsitsMr。MacQuedy，theModernAthenian，wholaysdownthelawabouteverything，andthereforemaybetakentounderstandeverything。Heturnsalltheaffairsofthisworldintoquestionsofbuyingandselling。HeistheSpiritoftheFrozenOceantoeverythinglikeromanceandsentiment。Hecondensestheirvolumeofsteamintoadropofcoldwaterinamoment。HehassatisfiedmethatIamacommodityinthemarket，andthatIoughttosetmyselfatahighprice。Soyousee，hewhowouldhavememustbidforme。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。IshalldiscussthatpointwithMr。MacQuedy。
LADYCLARINDA。Notawordforyourlife。Ourflirtationisourownsecret。Letitremainso。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Flirtation，Clarinda！Isthatallthatthemostardent-
LADYCLARINDA。Now，don’tberhapsodicalhere。NexttoMr。MacQuedyisMr。Skionar，asortofpoeticalphilosopher，acuriouscompoundoftheintenseandthemystical。HeabominatesalltheideasofMr。MacQuedy，andsettleseverythingbysentimentandintuition。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Then，Isay，heisthewiserman。
LADYCLARINDA。Theyaretwooddities，butalittleofthemisamusing，andIliketohearthemdispute。SoyouseeIamintrainingforaphilosophermyself。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Anyphilosophy，forHeaven’ssake，butthepound-shilling-and-pencephilosophyofMr。MacQuedy。
LADYCLARINDA。Why，theysaythatevenMr。Skionar，thoughheisagreatdreamer，alwaysdreamswithhiseyesopen，orwithoneeyeatanyrate，whichisaneyetohisgain：butIbelievethatinthisrespectthepoormanhasgotanillnamebykeepingbadcompany。
Hehastwodearfriends，Mr。WilfulWontsee，andMr。RumblesackShantsee，poetsofsomenote，whousedtoseevisionsofUtopia，andpurerepublicsbeyondtheWesterndeep：but，findingthattheseElDoradosbroughtthemnorevenue，theyturnedtheirvision-
seeingfacultyintothemoreprofitablechannelofespyingallsortsofvirtuesinthehighandthemighty，whowereableandwillingtopayforthediscovery。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Idonotfancythesevirtue-spyers。
LADYCLARINDA。NexttoMr。SkionarsitsMr。Chainmail，agood-
lookingyounggentleman，asyousee，withveryantiquatedtastes。
Heisfondofoldpoetry，andissomethingofapoethimself。Heisdeepinmonkishliterature，andholdsthatthebeststateofsocietywasthatofthetwelfthcentury，whennothingwasgoingforwardbutfighting，feasting，andpraying，whichhesaysarethethreegreatpurposesforwhichmanwasmade。Helamentsbitterlyovertheinventionsofgunpowder，steam，andgas，whichhesayshaveruinedtheworld。Heliveswithintwoorthreemiles，andhasalargehall，adornedwithrustypikes，shields，helmets，swords，andtatteredbanners，andfurnishedwithyew-treechairs，andtwolongoldworm-eatenoaktables，wherehedineswithallhishousehold，afterthefashionofhisfavouriteage。Hewantsusalltodinewithhim，andIbelieveweshallgo。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Thatwillbesomethingnew，atanyrate。
LADYCLARINDA。NexttohimisMr。Toogood，theco-operationist，whowillhaveneitherfightingnorpraying;butwantstoparcelouttheworldintosquareslikeachess-board，withacommunityoneach，raisingeverythingforoneanother，withagreatsteam-enginetoservethemincommonfortailorandhosier，kitchenandcook。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Heisthestrangestoftheset，sofar。
LADYCLARINDA。Thisbringsustothebottomofthetable，wheresitsmyhumbleservant，Mr。Crotchettheyounger。Ioughtnottodescribehim。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Ientreatyoudo。
LADYCLARINDA。Well，Ireallyhaveverylittletosayinhisfavour。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Idonotwishtohearanythinginhisfavour;
andIrejoicetohearyousayso，because-
LADYCLARINDA。Donotflatteryourself。IfItakehim，itwillbetopleasemyfather，andtohaveatownandcountryhouse，andplentyofservantsandacarriageandanopera-box，andmakesomeofmyacquaintancewhohavemarriedforlove，orforrank，orforanythingbutmoney，dieforenvyofmyjewels。YoudonotthinkI
wouldtakehimforhimself。Why，heisverysmoothandspruceasfarashisdressgoes;butastohisface，helooksasifhehadtumbledheadlongintoavolcano，andbeenthrownupagainamongthecinders。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Icannotbelieve，that，speakingthusofhim，youmeantotakehimatall。
LADYCLARINDA。Oh！Iamoutofmyteens。Ihavebeenverymuchinlove;butnowIamcometoyearsofdiscretion，andmustthink，likeotherpeople，ofsettlingmyselfadvantageously。Hewasinlovewithabanker’sdaughter，andcastheroffatherfather’sbankruptcy，andthepoorgirlhasgonetohideherselfinsomewildplace。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Shemusthaveastrangetaste，ifshepinesforthelossofhim。
LADYCLARINDA。Theysayhewasgood-looking，tillhisbubbleschemes，astheycallthem，stampedhimwiththephysiognomyofadesperategambler。Isuspecthehasstillapenchanttowardshisfirstflame。Ifhetakesme，itwillbeformyrankandconnection，andthesecondseatoftheboroughofRogueingrain。Soweshallmeetonequalterms，andshallenjoyalltheblessednessofexpectingnothingfromeachother。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Youcanexpectnosecuritywithsuchanadventurer。
LADYCLARINDA。Ishallhavethesecurityofagoodsettlement，andthenifandarealdiavolobehisdestiny，hemaygo，youknow，byhimself。Heisalmostalwaysdreaminganddistrait。Itisverylikelythatsomegreatreverseisinstoreforhim：butthatwillnotconcernme，youperceive。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Youtortureme，Clarinda，withthebarepossibility。
LADYCLARINDA。Hush！Hereismusictosootheyourtroubledspirit。Nexttohim，onthisside，sitsthedilettantecomposer，Mr。Trillo;theysayhisnamewasO’Trill，andhehastakentheO
fromthebeginning，andputitattheend。Idonotknowhowthismaybe。Heplayswellonthevioloncello，andbetteronthepiano;
singsagreeably;hasatalentatversemaking，andimprovisesasongwithsomefelicity。Heisveryagreeablecompanyintheevening，withhisinstrumentsandmusic-books。Hemaintainsthatthesoleendofallenlightenedsocietyistogetupagoodopera，andlamentsthatwealth，genius，andenergyaresquandereduponotherpursuits，totheneglectofthisonegreatmatter。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Thatisaverypleasantfancyatanyrate。
LADYCLARINDA。Iassureyouhehasagreatdealtosayforit。
Well，nexttohim，again，isDr。Morbific，whohasbeenallovertheworldtoprovethatthereisnosuchthingascontagion;andhasinoculatedhimselfwithplague，yellowfever，andeveryvarietyofpestilence，andisstillalivetotellthestory。Iamveryshyofhim，too;forIlookonhimasawalkingphialofwrath，corkedfullofallinfections，andnottobetouchedwithoutextremehazard。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Thisisthestrangestfellowofall。
LADYCLARINDA。NexttohimsitsMr。Philpot，thegeographer，whothinksofnothingbuttheheadsandtailsofrivers，andlaysdownthestreamsofTerraIncognitaasaccuratelyasifhehadbeenthere。Heisapersonofpleasantfancy，andmakesasortoffairylandofeverycountryhetouches，fromtheFrozenOceantotheDesertsofSahara。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。HowdoeshesettlematterswithMr。Firedamp？
LADYCLARINDA。YouseeMr。Firedamphasgotasfaraspossibleoutofhisway。NexttohimisSirSimonSteeltrap，ofSteeltrapLodge，MemberforCrouching-Curtown，JusticeofPeaceforthecounty，andLordoftheUnitedManorsofSpring-gun-and-Treadmill;
agreatpreserverofgameandpublicmorals。Byadministeringthelawswhichheassistsinmaking，hedisposes，athispleasure，ofthelandanditslivestock，includingallthetwo-leggedvarieties，withandwithoutfeathers，inacircumferenceofseveralmilesroundSteeltrapLodge。Hehasenclosedcommonsandwoodlands;abolishedcottagegardens;takenthevillagecricket-
groundintohisownpark，outofpureregardtothesanctityofSunday;shutupfootpathsandalehouses（allbutthosewhichbelongtohiselectioneeringfriend，Mr。Quassia，thebrewer）;putdownfairsandfiddlers;committedmanypoachers;shotafew;convictedone-thirdofthepeasantry;suspectedtherest;andpassednearlythewholeofthemthroughawholesomecourseofprisondiscipline，whichhasfinishedtheireducationattheexpenseofthecounty。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Heissomewhatoutofhiselementhere：amongsuchadiversityofopinionshewillhearsomehewillnotlike。
LADYCLARINDA。Itwasratherill-judgedinMr。Crotchettoinvitehimto-day。Buttheartofassortingcompanyisabovetheseparvenus。Theyinviteacertainnumberofpersonswithoutconsideringhowtheyharmonisewitheachother。BetweenSirSimonandyouistheReverendDoctorFolliott。Heissaidtobeanexcellentscholar，andisfonderofbooksthanthemajorityofhiscloth;heisveryfond，also，ofthegoodthingsofthisworld。Heisofanadmirabletemper，andsaysrudethingsinapleasanthalf-
earnestmanner，thatnobodycantakeoffencewith。AndnexttohimagainisoneCaptainFitzchrome，whoisverymuchinlovewithacertainpersonthatdoesnotmeantohaveanythingtosaytohim，becauseshecanbetterherfortunebytakingsomebodyelse。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Andnexttohimagainisthebeautiful，theaccomplished，thewitty，thefascinating，thetormenting，LadyClarinda，whotraducesherselftothesaidCaptainbyassertionswhichitwoulddrivehimcrazytobelieve。
LADYCLARINDA。Timewillshow，sir。Andnowwehavegonetheroundofthetable。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。ButImustsay，thoughIknowyouhadalwaysaturnforsketchingcharacters，yousurprisemebyyourobservation，andespeciallybyyourattentiontoopinions。
LADYCLARINDA。Well，Iwilltellyouasecret：Iamwritinganovel。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Anovel！
LADYCLARINDA。Yes，anovel。AndIshallgetalittlefinerybyit：trinketsandfal-lals，whichIcannotgetfrompapa。YoumustknowIhavebeenreadingseveralfashionablenovels，thefashionablethis，andthefashionablethat;andIthoughttomyself，whyIcandobetterthananyofthesemyself。SoIwroteachapterortwo，andsentthemasaspecimentoMr。Puffall，thebook-seller，tellinghimtheyweretobeapartofthefashionablesomethingorother，andheofferedme，Iwillnotsayhowmuch，tofinishitinthreevolumes，andlethimpayallthenewspapersforrecommendingitastheworkofaladyofquality，whohadmadeveryfreewiththecharactersofheracquaintance。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Surelyyouhavenotdoneso？
LADYCLARINDA。Oh，no！IleavethattoMr。Eavesdrop。ButMr。
PuffallmadeitaconditionthatIshouldlethimsayso。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Astrangerecommendation。
LADYCLARINDA。Oh，nothingelsewilldo。Anditseemsyoumaygiveyourselfanycharacteryoulike，andthenewspaperswillprintitasifitcamefromthemselves。Ihavecommendedyoutothreeofourfriendshereasaneconomist，atranscendentalist，andaclassicalscholar;andifyouwishtoberenownedthroughtheworldforthese，oranyotheraccomplishments，thenewspaperswillconfirmyouintheirpossessionforhalf-a-guineaapiece。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Truly，thepraiseofsuchgentrymustbeafeatherinanyone’scap。
LADYCLARINDA。Soyouwillsee，somemorning，thatmynovelis\"themostpopularproductionoftheday。\"ThisisMr。Puffall’sfavouritephrase。Hemakesthenewspaperssayitofeverythinghepublishes。But\"theday，\"youknow，isaveryconvenientphrase;
itallowsofthreehundredandsixty-five\"mostpopularproductions\"inayear。Andinleap-yearonemore。
CHAPTERVI：THEORIES
Butwhentheycametoshapethemodel，Notonecouldfittheother’snoddle。——BUTLER。
Meanwhile，thelastcourse，andthedessert，passedby。Whentheladieshadwithdrawn，youngCrotchetaddressedthecompany。
MR。CROTCHET，JUN。Thereisonepointinwhichphilosophersofallclassesseemtobeagreed：thattheyonlywantmoneytoregeneratetheworld。
MR。MACQUEDY。Nodoubtofit。Nothingissoeasyastolaydowntheoutlinesofperfectsociety。Therewantsnothingbutmoneytosetitgoing。Iwillexplainmyselfclearlyandfullybyreadingapaper。（Producingalargescroll。）\"Intheinfancyofsociety——\"
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Pray，Mr。MacQuedy，howisitthatallgentlemenofyournationbegineverythingtheywritewiththe\"infancyofsociety？\"
MR。MACQUEDY。Eh，sir，itisthesimplestwaytobeginatthebeginning。\"Intheinfancyofsociety，whengovernmentwasinventedtosaveapercentage;saytwoandahalfpercent。——\"
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Iwillnotsayanysuchthing。
MR。MACQUEDY。Well，sayanypercentageyouplease。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Iwillnotsayanypercentageatall。
MR。MACQUEDY。\"Ontheprincipleofthedivisionoflabour——\"
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Governmentwasinventedtospendapercentage。
MR。MACQUEDY。Tosaveapercentage。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。No，sir，tospendapercentage;andagooddealmorethantwoandahalfpercent。Twohundredandfiftypercent。：
thatisintelligible。
MR。MACQUEDY。——\"Intheinfancyofsociety——\"
MR。TOOGOOD。——Nevermindtheinfancyofsociety。Thequestionisofsocietyinitsmaturity。Hereiswhatitshouldbe。（Producingapaper。）Ihavelaiditdowninadiagram。
MR。SKIONAR。Beforeweproceedtothequestionofgovernment，wemustnicelydiscriminatetheboundariesofsense，understanding，andreason。Senseisareceptivity-
MR。CROTCHET，JUN。Weareproceedingtoofast。Moneybeingallthatiswantedtoregeneratesociety，Iwillputintothehandsofthiscompanyalargesumforthepurpose。Nowletusseehowtodisposeofit。
MR。MACQUEDY。Wewillbeginbytakingacommittee-roominLondon，wherewewilldinetogetheronceaweek，todeliberate。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Ifthemoneyistogoindeliberativedinners，youmaysetmedownforacommitteemanandhonorarycaterer。
MR。MACQUEDY。Next，youmustalllearnpoliticaleconomy，whichI
willteachyou，verycompendiously，inlecturesoverthebottle。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Ihatelecturesoverthebottle。Butpray，sir，whatispoliticaleconomy？
MR。MACQUEDY。Politicaleconomyistothestatewhatdomesticeconomyistothefamily。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Nosuchthing，sir。Inthefamilythereisapaterfamilias，whoregulatesthedistribution，andtakescarethatthereshallbenosuchthinginthehouseholdasonedyingofhunger，whileanotherdiesofsurfeit。Inthestateitisallhungeratoneend，andallsurfeitattheother。Matchlessclaret，Mr。Crotchet。
MR。CROTCHET。Vintageoffifteen，Doctor。
MR。MACQUEDY。Thefamilyconsumes，andsodoesthestate。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Consumes，air！Yes：butthemode，theproportions：thereistheessentialdifferencebetweenthestateandthefamily。Sir，Ihatefalseanalogies。
MR。MACQUEDY。Well，sir，theanalogyisnotessential。
Distributionwillcomeunderitsproperhead。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Comewhereitwill，thedistributionofthestateisinnorespectanalogoustothedistributionofthefamily。
Thepaterfamilias，sir：thepaterfamilias。
MR。MACQUEDY。Well，sir，letthatpass。Thefamilyconsumes，andinordertoconsume，itmusthavesupply。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Well，sir，AdamandEveknewthat，whentheydelvedandspan。
MR。MACQUEDY。Verytrue，sir（reproducinghisscroll）。\"Intheinfancyofsociety——\"
MR。TOOGOOD。Thereverendgentlemanhashitthenailonthehead。
Itisthedistributionthatmustbelookedto;itisthepaterfamiliasthatiswantingintheState。NowhereIhaveprovidedhim。（Reproducinghisdiagram。）
MR。TRILLO。Applythemoney，sir，tobuildingandendowinganoperahouse，wheretheancientaltarofBacchusmayflourish，andjusticemaybedonetosublimecompositions。（Producingapartofamanuscriptopera。）
MR。SKIONAR。No，sir，buildsacellafortranscendentaloraclestoteachtheworldhowtoseethroughaglassdarkly。（Producingascroll。）
MR。TRILLO。Seethroughanopera-glassbrightly。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Seethroughawine-glassfullofclaret;thenyouseebothdarklyandbrightly。But，gentlemen，ifyouareallinthehumourforreadingpapers，IwillreadyouthefirsthalfofmynextSunday’ssermon。（Producingapaper。）
OMNES。Nosermon！Nosermon！
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。ThenImovethatourrespectivepapersbecommittedtoourrespectivepockets。
MR。MACQUEDY。Politicaleconomyisdividedintotwogreatbranches，productionandconsumption。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Yes，sir;therearetwogreatclassesofmen：
thosewhoproducemuchandconsumelittle;andthosewhoconsumemuchandproducenothing。Thefrugesconsumerenatihavethebestofit。Eh，Captain！YourememberthecharacteristicsofagreatmanaccordingtoAristophanes：[Greektext]。Ha！ha！ha！Well，Captain，eveninthesetight-laceddays，theobscurityofalearnedlanguageallowsalittlepleasantry。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Verytrue，sir;thepleasantryandtheobscuritygotogether;theyareallone，asitwere——tomeatanyrate（aside）。
MR。MACQUEDY。Now，sir-
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Pray，sir，letyoursciencealone，oryouwillputmeunderthepainfulnecessityofdemolishingitbitbybit，asIhavedoneyourexordium。Iwillundertakeitanymorning;butitistoohardexerciseafterdinner。
MR。MACQUEDY。Well，sir，inthemeantimeIholdmyscienceestablished。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。AndIholditdemolished。
MR。CROTCHET，JUN。Pray，gentlemen，pocketyourmanuscripts，fillyourglasses，andconsiderwhatweshalldowithourmoney。
MR。MACQUEDY。Buildlecture-rooms，andschoolsforall。
MR。TRILLO。RevivetheAtheniantheatre;regeneratethelyricaldrama。
MR。TOOGOOD。Buildagrandco-operativeparallelogram，withasteam-engineinthemiddleforamaidofallwork。
MR。FIREDAMP。Drainthecountry，andgetridofmalaria，byabolishingduck-ponds。
DR。MORBIFIC。Foundaphilanthropiccollegeofanticontagionists，whereallthemembersshallbeinoculatedwiththevirusofallknowndiseases。Trytheexperimentonagrandscale。
MR。CHAINMAIL。Buildagreatdining-hall;endowitwithbeefandale，andhangthehallroundwitharmstodefendtheprovisions。
MR。HENBANE。Foundatoxicologicalinstitutionfortryingallpoisonsandantidotes。Imyselfhavekilledafrogtwelvetimes，andbroughthimtolifeeleven;butthetwelfthtimehedied。I
haveaphialofthedrug，whichkilledhim，inmypocket，andshallnotresttillIhavediscovereditsantidote。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Imovethatthelastspeakerbedispossessedofhisphial，andthatitbeforthwiththrownintotheThames。
MR。HENBANE。How，sir？myinvaluable，and，inthepresentstateofhumanknowledge，infalliblepoison？
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Letthefrogshavealltheadvantageofit。
MR。CROTCHET。Consider，Doctor，thefishmightparticipate。Thinkofthesalmon。
REVDR。FOLLIOTT。Thenlettheowner’sright-handneighbourswallowit。
MR。EAVESDROP。Me，sir！WhathaveIdone，sir，thatIamtobepoisoned，sir？
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sir，youhavepublishedacharacterofyourfacetiousfriend，theReverendDoctorF。，whereinyouhavesketchedoffme;me，sir，eventomynoseandwig。Whatbusinesshavethepublicwithmynoseandwig？
MR。EAVESDROP。Sir，itisallgood-humoured;allinbonhomie：allfriendlyandcomplimentary。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sir，thebottle，laDiveBouteille，isareconditeoracle，whichmakesanEleusiniantempleofthecircleinwhichitmoves。Hewhorevealsitsmysteriesmustdie。Therefore，letthedosebeadministered。Fiatexperimentuminanimavili。
MR。EAVESDROP。Sir，youareveryfacetiousatmyexpense。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sir，youhavebeenveryunfacetious，veryinficeteatmine。Youhavedishedmeup，likeasavouryomelette，togratifytheappetiteofthereadingrabbleforgossip。Thenexttime，sir，Iwillrespondwiththeargumentumbaculinum。Printthat，sir：putitonrecordasapromiseoftheReverendDoctorF。，whichshallbemostfaithfullykept，withanexemplarybamboo。
MR。EAVESDROP。Yourclothprotectsyou，sir。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Mybambooshallprotectme，sir。
MR。CROTCHET。Doctor，Doctor，youaregrowingtoopolemical。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sir，mybloodboils。Whatbusinesshavethepublicwithmynoseandwig？
MR。CROTCHET。Doctor！Doctor！
MR。CROTCHET，JUN。Pray，gentlemen，returntothepoint。Howshallweemployourfund？
MR。PHILPOT。Surelyinnowaysobeneficiallyasinexploringrivers。SendafleetofsteamboatsdowntheNiger，andanotheruptheNile。SoshallyouciviliseAfrica，andestablishstockingfactoriesinAbyssiniaandBambo。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Withallsubmission，breechesandpetticoatsmustprecedestockings。Sendoutacrewoftailors。TryiftheKingofBambowillinvestininexpressibles。
MR。CROTCHET，JUN。Gentlemen，itisnotforpartial，butforgeneralbenefit，thatthisfundisproposed：agrandanduniversallyapplicableschemefortheameliorationoftheconditionofman。
SEVERALVOICES。Thatismyscheme。Ihavenotheardaschemebutmyownthathasagrainofcommonsense。
MR。TRILLO。Gentlemen，youinspireme。Yourlastexclamationrunsitselfintoachorus，andsetsitselftomusic。Allowmetolead，andtohopeforyourvoicesinharmony。
Aftercarefulmeditation，Andprofounddeliberation，Onthevariousprettyprojectswhichhavejustbeenshown，Notaschemeinagitation，Fortheworld’samelioration，Hasagrainofcommonsenseinit，exceptmyown。
SEVERALVOICES。Wearenotdisposedtojoininanysuchchorus。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Well，ofalltheseschemes，IamforMr。
Trillo’s。RegeneratetheAtheniantheatre。Myclassicalfriendhere，theCaptain，willvotewith，me。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。I，sir？oh！ofcourse，sir。
MR。MACQUEDY。Surely，Captain，Irelyonyoutoupholdpoliticaleconomy。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Me，sir！oh，tobesure，sir。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Pray，sir，willpoliticaleconomyupholdtheAtheniantheatre？
MR。MACQUEDY。Surelynot。Itwouldbeaveryunproductiveinvestment。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。ThentheCaptainvotesagainstyou。What，sir，didnottheAthenians，thewisestofnations，appropriatetotheirtheatretheirmostsacredandintangiblefund？Didnottheygivetomelopoeia，choregraphy，andthesundryformsofdidascalics，theprecedenceofallothermatters，civilandmilitary？Wasitnottheirlaw，thateventheproposaltodivertthisfundtoanyotherpurposeshouldbepunishedwithdeath？But，sir，IfurtherproposethattheAtheniantheatrebeingresuscitated，theadmissionshallbefreetoallwhocanexpoundtheGreekchoruses，constructively，mythologically，andmetrically，andtononeothers。SoshallalltheworldlearnGreek：Greek，theAlphaandOmegaofallknowledge。Athimwhositsnotinthetheatreshallbepointedthefingerofscorn：heshallbecalledinthehighwayofthecity，\"afellowwithoutGreek。\"
MR。TRILLO。Buttheladies，sir，theladies。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Everymanmaytakeinalady：andshewhocanconstrueandmetriciseachorus，shall，ifshesoplease，passinbyherself。
MR。TRILLO。But，sir，youwillshutmeoutofmyowntheatre。Letthereatleastbeadoublepassport，GreekandItalian。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。No，sir;Iaminexorable。NoGreek，notheatre。
MR。TRILLO。Sir，Icannotconsenttobeshutoutfrommyowntheatre。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Youseehowitis，SquireCrotchettheyounger;
youcanscarcelyfindtwotoagreeonascheme，andnotwoofthosecanagreeonthedetails。Keepyourmoneyinyourpocket。Andsoendsthefundforregeneratingtheworld。
MR。MACQUEDY。Nay，bynomeans。Weareallagreedondeliberativedinners。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Verytrue;wewilldineanddiscuss。WewillsingwithRobinHood，\"IfIdrinkwaterwhilethisdothlast;\"andwhileitlastswewillhavenoadjournment，ifnottotheAtheniantheatre。
MR。TRILLO。Well，gentlemen，Ihopethischorusatleastwillpleaseyou：-
IfIdrinkwaterwhilethisdothlast，MayIneveragaindrinkwine：
Forhowcanaman，inhislifeofaspan，Doanythingbetterthandine？
Welldineanddrink，andsayifwethinkThatanythingbettercanbe，Andwhenwehavedined，wishallmankindMaydineaswellaswe。
AndthoughagoodwishwillfillnodishAndbrimnocupwithsack，Yetthoughtswillspringastheglassesring，Toillumeourstudioustrack。
OnthebrilliantdreamsofourhopefulschemesThelightoftheflaskshallshine;
Andwe’llsittillday，butwe’llfindthewayTodrenchtheworldwithwine。
Theschemesfortheworld’sregenerationevaporatedinatumultofvoices。
CHAPTERVII：THESLEEPINGVENUS
Quothhe：Inallmylifetillnow，Ine’ersawsoprofaneashow。——BUTLER。
ThelibraryofCrotchetCastlewasalargeandwell-furnishedapartment，openingononesideintoanante-room，ontheotherintoamusic-room。Ithadseveraltablesstationedatconvenientdistances;oneconsecratedtothenoveltiesofliterature，anothertothenoveltiesofembellishment;othersunoccupied，andatthedisposalofthecompany。Thewallswerecoveredwithacopiouscollectionofancientandmodernbooks;theancienthavingbeenselectedandarrangedbytheReverendDoctorFolliott。Intheante-roomwerecard-tables;inthemusic-roomwerevariousinstruments，allpopularoperas，andallfashionablemusic。Inthissuiteofapartments，andnotinthedrawing-room，weretheeveningsofCrotchetCastleusuallypassed。
Theyoungladieswereinthemusic-room;MissCrotchetatthepiano，LadyClarindaattheharp，playingandoccasionallysinging，atthesuggestionofMr。Trillo，portionsofMatildediShabran。
LordBossnowlwasturningovertheleavesforMissCrotchet;theCaptainwasperformingthesameofficeforLadyClarinda，butwithsomuchmoreattentiontotheladythanthebook，thatheoftenmadesadworkwiththeharmony，byturnovertwoleavestogether。
OntheseoccasionsMissCrotchetpaused，LadyClarindalaughed，Mr。
Trilloscolded，LordBossnowlyawned，theCaptainapologised，andtheperformanceproceeded。
InthelibraryMr。MacQuedywasexpoundingpoliticaleconomytotheReverendDoctorFolliott，whowaspromoredemolishingitsdoctrinesseriatim。
Mr。ChainmailwasinhotdisputewithMr。Skionar，touchingthephysicalandmoralwell-beingofman。Mr。SkionarwasenforcinghisfriendMr。Shantsee’sviewsofmoraldiscipline;maintainingthatthesolethingneedfulformaninthisworldwasloyalandpiouseducation;thegivingmengoodbookstoread，andenoughofthehornbooktoreadthem;withajudiciousinterspersionofthelessonsofOldRestraint，whichwashispoeticnamefortheparishstocks。Mr。Chainmail，ontheotherhand，stoodupfortheexclusivenecessityofbeefandale，lodgingandraiment，wifeandchildren，couragetofightforthemall，andarmourwherewithtodoso。
Mr。Henbanehadgothisfacescratched，andhisfingerbitten，bythecat，intryingtocatchherforasecondexperimentinkillingandbringingtolife;andDoctorMorbificwascomfortinghimwithadisquisitiontoprovethattherewereonlyfouranimalshavingthepowertocommunicatehydrophobia，ofwhichthecatwasone;andthatitwasnotnecessarythattheanimalshouldbeinarabidstate，thenatureofthewoundbeingeverything，andtheideaofcontagionadelusion。Mr。Henbanewaslisteningverylugubriouslytothisdissertation。
Mr。PhilpothadseizedonMr。Firedamp，andpinnedhimdowntoamapofAfrica，onwhichhewastracingimaginarycoursesofmightyinlandrivers，terminatinginlakesandmarshes，wheretheywerefinallyevaporatedbytheheatofthesun;andMr。Firedamp’shairwasstandingonendatthebareimaginationofthemassofmalariathatmustbeengenderedbytheoperation。Mr。ToogoodhadbegunexplaininghisdiagramstoSirSimonSteeltrap;butSirSimongrewtesty，andtoldMr。Toogoodthatthepromulgatorsofsuchdoctrinesoughttobeconsignedtothetreadmill。Thephilanthropistwalkedofffromthecountrygentleman，andproceededtoholdforthtoyoungCrotchet，whostoodsilent，asonewholistens，butinrealitywithouthearingasyllable。Mr。Crotchet，senior，asthemasterofthehouse，waslefttoentertainhimselfwithhisownmeditations，tilltheReverendDoctorFolliotttorehimselffromMr。MacQuedy，andproceededtoexpostulatewithMr。Crotchetonadelicatetopic。
TherewasanItalianpainter，whoobtainedthenameofIlBragatore，bythesuperinductionofinexpressiblesonthenakedApollosandBacchusesofhisbetters。Thefameofthisworthyremainedoneandindivisible，tillasetofheads，whichhadbeen，byatoocommonmistakeofNature’sjourneymen，stuckuponmagisterialshoulders，astheCorinthiancapitalsof\"fairroundbellieswithfatcaponlined，\"butwhichNatureherselfhadintendedforthenoddlesofporcelainmandarins，promulgatedsimultaneouslyfromtheeastandthewestofLondon，anorderthatnoplaster-of-ParisVenusshouldappearinthestreetswithoutpetticoats。Mr。Crotchet，onreadingthisorderintheeveningpaper，which，bythepostman’searlyarrival，wasalwayslaidonhisbreakfast-table，determinedtofillhishousewithVenusesofallsizesandkinds。Inpursuanceofthisresolution，camepackagesbywater-carriage，containinganinfinitevarietyofVenuses。ThereweretheMediceanVenus，andtheBathingVenus;theUranianVenus，andthePandemianVenus;theCrouchingVenus，andtheSleepingVenus;theVenusrisingfromthesea，theVenuswiththeappleofParis，andtheVenuswiththearmourofMars。
TheReverendDoctorFolliotthadbeenverymuchastonishedatthisunexpecteddisplay。Disposed，ashewas，tohold，thatwhateverhadbeeninGreece，wasright;hewasmorethandoubtfuloftheproprietyofthrowingopentheclassicaladytumtotheilliterateprofane。Whether，inhisinteriormind，hewasatallinfluenced，eitherbytheconsiderationthatitwouldbeforthecreditofhiscloth，withsomeofhisvice-suppressingneighbours，tobeabletosaythathehadexpostulated;orbycuriosity，totrywhatsortofdefencehiscity-bredfriend，whoknewtheclassicsonlybytranslations，andwhosereasonwasalwaysalittleaheadofhisknowledge，wouldmakeforhissomewhatostentatiousdisplayofliberalityinmattersoftaste;isaquestiononwhichthelearnedmaydiffer：but，afterhavingdulydeliberatedontwofull-sizedcastsoftheUranianandPandemianVenus，innichesoneachsideofthechimney，andonthreealabasterfigures，inglasscases，onthemantelpiece，heproceeded，peirastically，toopenhisfire。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Theselittlealabasterfiguresonthemantelpiece，Mr。Crotchet，andthoselargefiguresintheniches——
mayItakethelibertytoaskyouwhattheyareintendedtorepresent？
MR。CROTCHET。Venus，sir;nothingmore，sir;justVenus。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。MayIaskyou，sir，whytheyarethere？
MR。CROTCHET。Tobelookedat，sir;justtobelookedat：thereasonsformostthingsinagentleman’shousebeinginitatall;
fromthepaperonthewalls，andthedraperyofthecurtains，eventothebooksinthelibrary，ofwhichthemostessentialpartistheappearanceoftheback。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Verytrue，sir。Asgreatphilosophersholdthattheesseofthingsispercipi，soagentleman’sfurnitureexiststobelookedat。Nevertheless，sir，therearesomethingsmorefittobelookedatthanothers;forinstance，thereisnothingmorefittobelookedatthantheoutsideofabook。Itis，asImaysay，fromrepeatedexperience，apureandunmixedpleasuretohaveagoodlyvolumelyingbeforeyou，andtoknowthatyoumayopenitifyouplease，andneednotopenitunlessyouplease。Itisaresourceagainstennui，ifennuishouldcomeuponyou。Tohavetheresourceandnottofeeltheennui，toenjoyyourbottleinthepresent，andyourbookintheindefinitefuture，isadelightfulconditionofhumanexistence。Thereisnoplace，inwhichamancanmoveorsit，inwhichtheoutsideofabookcanbeotherwisethananinnocentandbecomingspectacle。Touchingthismatter，therecannot，Ithink，betwoopinions。ButwithrespecttoyourVenusestherecanbe，andindeedthereare，twoverydistinctopinions。Now，Sir，thatlittlefigureinthecentreofthemantelpiece——asagravepaterfamilias，Mr。Crotchet，withafairnubiledaughter，whoseeyesarelikethefish-poolsofHeshbon——Iwouldaskyouifyouholdthatfiguretobealtogetherdelicate？
MR。CROTCHET。ThesleepingVenus，sir？Nothingcanbemoredelicatethantheentirecontourofthefigure，theflowofthehairontheshouldersandneck，theformofthefeetandfingers。
Itisaltogetheramostdelicatemorsel。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Why，inthatsense，perhaps，itisasdelicateaswhitebaitinJuly。Buttheattitude，sir，theattitude。
MR。CROTCHET。Nothingcanbemorenatural，sir。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Thatistheverything，sir。Itistoonatural：toonatural，sir：itliesforalltheworldlike——Imakenodoubt，thepiouscheesemonger，whorecentlybrokeitsplasterfacsimileovertheheadoftheitinerantvendor，wasstruckbyacertainsimilitudetothepositionofhisownsleepingbeauty，andfelthisnoblewraththerebyjustlyaroused。
MR。CROTCHET。Verylikely，sir。Inmyopinion，thecheesemongerwasafool，andthejusticewhosidedwithhimwasagreater。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Fool，sir，isaharshterm：callnotthybrotherafool。
MR。CROTCHET。Sir，neitherthecheesemongernorthejusticeisabrotherofmine。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sir，weareallbrethren。
MR。CROTCHET。Yes，sir，asthehangmanisofthethief;thesquireofthepoacher;thejudgeofthelibeller;thelawyerofhisclient;thestatesmanofhiscolleague;thebubble-blowerofthebubble-buyer;theslave-driverofthenegro;asthesearebrethren，soamIandtheworthiesinquestionREV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Tobesure，sir，intheseinstances，andinmanyothers，thetermbrothermustbetakeninitsutmostlatitudeofinterpretation：weareallbrothers，nevertheless。Buttoreturntothepoint。Nowthesetwolargefigures，onewithdraperyonthelowerhalfofthebody，andtheotherwithnodraperyatall;uponmyword，sir，itmattersnotwhatgodfathersandgodmothersmayhavepromisedandvowedforthechildrenofthisworld，touchingthedevilandotherthingstoberenounced，ifsuchfiguresasthosearetobeputbeforetheireyes。
MR。CROTCHET。Sir，thenakedfigureisthePandemianVenus，andthehalf-drapedfigureistheUranianVenus;andIsay，sir，thatfigurerealisesthefinestimaginingsofPlato，andisthepersonificationofthemostrefinedandexaltedfeelingofwhichthehumanmindissusceptible;theloveofpure，ideal，intellectualbeauty。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Iamaware，sir，thatPlato，inhisSymposium，discoursethveryeloquentlytouchingtheUranianandPandemianVenus：butyoumustrememberthat，inouruniversities，Platoisheldtobelittlebetterthanamisleaderofyouth;andtheyhaveshowntheircontemptforhim，notonlybyneverreadinghim（amodeofcontemptinwhichtheydealverylargely），butevenbyneverprintingacompleteeditionofhim;althoughtheyhaveprintedmanyancientbooks，whichnobodysuspectstohavebeeneverreadonthespot，exceptbyapersonattachedtothepress，whois，therefore，emphaticallycalled\"thereader。\"
MR。CROTCHET。Well，sir？
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Why，sir，to\"thereader\"aforesaid（supposingeitherofouruniversitiestohaveprintedaneditionofPlato），ortoanyoneelsewhocanbesupposedtohavereadPlato，or，indeed，tobeeverlikelytodoso，Iwouldverywillinglyshowthesefigures;becausetosuchtheywould，Igrantyou，betheoutwardandvisiblesignsofpoeticalandphilosophicalideas：but，tothemultitude，thegross，carnalmultitude，theyarebuttwobeautifulwomen，onehalfundressed，andtheotherquiteso。
MR。CROTCHET。Then，sir，letthemultitudelookuponthemandlearnmodesty。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Imustsaythat，ifIwishedmyfootmantolearnmodesty，IshouldnotdreamofsendinghimtoschooltoanakedVenus。
MR。CROTCHET。Sir，ancientsculptureisthetrueschoolofmodesty。ButwheretheGreekshadmodesty，wehavecant;wheretheyhadpoetry，wehavecant;wheretheyhadpatriotism，wehavecant;wheretheyhadanythingthatexalts，delights，oradornshumanity，wehavenothingbutcant，cant，cant。And，sir，toshowmycontemptforcantinallitsshapes，IhaveadornedmyhousewiththeGreekVenus，inallhershapes，andamreadytofightherbattleagainstallthesocietiesthateverwereinstitutedforthesuppressionoftruthandbeauty。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Mydearsir，Iamafraidyouaregrowingwarm。
Praybecool。Nothingcontributessomuchtogooddigestionastobeperfectlycoolafterdinner。
MR。CROTCHET。Sir，theLacedaemonianvirginswrestlednakedwithyoungmen;andtheygrewup，asthewiseLycurgushadforeseen，intothemostmodestofwomen，andthemostexemplaryofwivesandmothers。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Verylikely，sir;buttheAthenianvirginsdidnosuchthing，andtheygrewupintowiveswhostayedathome——
stayedathome，sir;andlookedaftertheirhusbands’dinner——hisdinner，sir，youwillpleasetoobserve。
MR。CROTCHET。Andwhatwastheconsequenceofthat，sir？thattheyweresuchveryinsipidpersonsthatthehusbandwouldnotgohometoeathisdinner，butpreferredthecompanyofsomeAspasia，orLais。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Twoverydifferentpersons，sir，givemeleavetoremark。
MR。CROTCHET。Verylikely，sir;butbothtoogoodtobemarriedinAthens。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sir，LaiswasaCorinthian。
MR。CROTCHET。Od’svengeance，sir，someAspasiaandanyotherAtheniannameofthesamesortofpersonyoulike-
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Idonotlikethesortofpersonatall：thesortofpersonIlike，asIhavealreadyimplied，isamodestwoman，whostaysathomeandlooksafterherhusband’sdinner。
MR。CROTCHET。Well，sir，thatwasnotthetasteoftheAthenians。
TheypreferredthesocietyofwomenwhowouldnothavemadeanyscrupleaboutsittingasmodelstoPraxiteles;asyouknow，sir，verymodestwomeninItalydidtoCanova;oneofwhom，anItaliancountess，beingaskedbyanEnglishlady，\"howshecouldbearit？\"
answered，\"Verywell;therewasagoodfireintheroom。\"
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sir，theEnglishladyshouldhaveaskedhowtheItalianlady’shusbandcouldbearit。ThephialsofmywrathwouldoverflowifpoordearMrs。Folliott-：sir，inreturnforyourstory，Iwilltellyouastoryofmyancestor，GilbertFolliott。
Thedevilhauntedhim，ashedidSaintFrancis，inthelikenessofabeautifuldamsel;butallhecouldgetfromtheexemplaryGilbertwasanadmonitiontowearastomacherandlongerpetticoats。
MR。CROTCHET。Sir，yourstorymakesformysideofthequestion。
Itprovesthatthedevil，inthelikenessofafairdamsel，withshortpetticoatsandnostomacher，wasalmosttoomuchforGilbertFolliott。Theforceofthespellwasinthedrapery。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Blessmysoul，sir！
MR。CROTCHET。Givemeleave，sir。Diderot-
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Whowashe，sir？
MR。CROTCHET。Whowashe，sir？thesublimephilosopher，thefatheroftheEncyclopaedia，ofalltheencyclopaediasthathaveeverbeenprinted。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Blessme，sir，aterribleprogeny：theybelongtothetribeofIncubi。
