第7章

类别:其他 作者:Willa Cather字数:4267更新时间:18/12/26 16:55:51
MynewpicturesarrivedlastweekontheGascogne。ThePuvisdeChavannesisevenmorebeautifulthanIthoughtitinParis。Apaledream-maidensitsbyapaledream-cowandastreamofanemicwaterflowsatherfeet。TheConstant,youwillremember,Igotbecauseyouadmiredit。Itishereinallitsfloridsplendour,thewholedominatedbyaglowingsensuosity。Thedraperyofthefemalefigureisaswonderfulasyousaid;thefabricallbarbaricpearlandgold,paintedwithaneasy,effortlessvoluptuousness,andthatwhite,gleaminglineofAfricancoastinthebackgroundrecallsmemoriesofyouveryprecioustome。ButitisuselesstodenythatConstantirritatesme。ThoughIcannotprovethechargeagainsthim,hisbrilliancyalwaysmakesmesuspecthimofcheapness。 HereMargaretstoppedandglancedattheremainingpagesofthisstrangelove-letter。Theyseemedtobefilledchieflywithdiscussionsofpicturesandbooks,andwithaslowsmileshelaidthemby。 Sheroseandbeganundressing。Beforeshelaydownshewenttoopenthewindow。Withherhandonthesill,shehesitated,feelingsuddenlyasthoughsomedangerwerelurkingoutside,someinordinatedesirewaitingtospringuponherinthedarkness。Shestoodthereforalongtime,gazingattheinfinitesweepofthesky。 “Oh,itisallsolittle,solittlethere,“shemurmured。 “Wheneverythingelseissodwarfed,whyshouldoneexpectlovetobegreat?Whyshouldonetrytoreadhighlycolouredsuggestionsintoalifelikethat?IfonlyIcouldfindonethinginitallthatmatteredgreatly,onethingthatwouldwarmmewhenIamalone!Willlifenevergivemethatonegreatmoment?“ Assheraisedthewindow,sheheardasoundintheplumbushesoutside。Itwasonlythehouse-dogrousedfromhissleep,butMargaretstartedviolentlyandtrembledsothatshecaughtthefootofthebedforsupport。Againshefeltherselfpursuedbysomeoverwhelminglonging,somedesperatenecessityforherself,liketheoutstretchingofhelpless,unseenarmsinthedarkness,andtheairseemedheavywithsighsofyearning。Shefledtoherbedwiththewords,“IloveyoumorethanChristwhodiedforme!“ringinginherears。 AboutmidnightthedanceatLockhart’swasatitsheight。 Eventheoldmenwhohadcometo“lookon“caughtthespiritofrevelryandstampedthefloorwiththevigorofoldSilenus。ErictooktheviolinfromtheFrenchmen,andMinnaOlesonsatattheorgan,andthemusicgrewmoreandmorecharacteristic——rude,halfmournfulmusic,madeupofthefolksongsoftheNorth,thatthevillagerssingthroughthelongnightinhamletsbythesea,whentheyarethinkingofthesun,andthespring,andthefishermensolongaway。ToMargaretsomeofitsoundedlikeGrieg’sPeerGyntmusic。Shefoundsomethingirresistiblyinfectiousinthemirthofthesepeoplewhoweresoseldommerry,andshefeltalmostoneofthem。Somethingseemedstrugglingforfreedominthemtonight,somethingofthejoyouschildhoodofthenationswhichexilehadnotkilled。Thegirlswereallboisterouswithdelight。Pleasurecametothembutrarely,andwhenitcame,theycaughtatitwildlyandcrusheditsflutteringwingsintheirstrongbrownfingers。Theyhadahardlifeenough,mostofthem。 Torridsummersandfreezingwinters,labouranddrudgeryandignorance,weretheportionoftheirgirlhood;ashortwooing,ahasty,lovelessmarriage,unlimitedmaternity,thanklesssons,prematureageandugliness,werethedoweroftheirwomanhood。Butwhatmatter?Tonighttherewashotliquorintheglassandhotbloodintheheart;tonighttheydanced。 TonightEricHermannsonhadrenewedhisyouth。Hewasnolongerthebig,silentNorwegianwhohadsatatMargaret’sfeetandlookedhopelesslyintohereyes。Tonighthewasaman,withaman’srightsandaman’spower。TonighthewasSiegfriedindeed。 Hishairwasyellowastheheavywheatintheripeofsummer,andhiseyesflashedlikethebluewaterbetweentheicepacksinthenorthseas。HewasnotafraidofMargarettonight,andwhenhedancedwithherheheldherfirmly。Shewastiredanddraggedonhisarmalittle,butthestrengthofthemanwaslikeanall- pervadingfluid,stealingthroughherveins,awakeningunderherheartsomenameless,unsuspectedexistencethathadslumberedtherealltheseyearsandthatwentoutthroughherthrobbingfingertipstohisthatanswered。Shewonderedifthehoydenishbloodofsomelawlessancestor,longasleep,werecallingoutinhertonight,somedropofahotterfluidthatthecenturieshadfailedtocool,andwhy,ifthiscursewereinher,ithadnotspokenbefore。Butwasitacurse,thisawakening,thiswealthbeforeundiscovered,thismusicsetfree?Forthefirsttimeinherlifeherheartheldsomethingstrongerthanherself,wasnotthisworthwhile?Thensheceasedtowonder。Shelostsightofthelightsandthefacesandthemusicwasdrownedbythebeatingofherownarteries。Shesawonlytheblueeyesthatflashedaboveher,feltonlythewarmthofthatthrobbinghandwhichheldhersandwhichthebloodofhisheartfed。Dimly,asinadream,shesawthedroopingshoulders,highwhiteforeheadandtight,cynicalmouthofthemanshewastomarryinDecember。Foranhourshehadbeencrowdingbackthememoryofthatfacewithallherstrength。 “Letusstop,thisisenough,“shewhispered。Hisonlyanswerwastotightenthearmbehindher。Shesighedandletthatmasterfulstrengthbearherwhereitwould。Sheforgotthatthismanwaslittlemorethanasavage,thattheywouldpartatdawn。 Thebloodhasnomemories,noreflections,noregretsforthepast,noconsiderationofthefuture。 “Letusgooutwhereitiscooler,“shesaidwhenthemusicstopped;thinking,Iamgrowingfainthere,Ishallbeallrightintheopenair。Theysteppedoutintothecool,blueairofthenight。 Sincetheolderfolkhadbegundancing,theyoungNorwegianshadbeenslippingoutincouplestoclimbthewindmilltowerintothecooleratmosphere,asistheircustom。 “Youliketogoup?“askedEric,closetoherear。 Sheturnedandlookedathimwithsuppressedamusement。“Howhighisit?“ “Fortyfeet,about。Inotletyoufall。“Therewasanoteofirresistiblepleadinginhisvoice,andshefeltthathetremendouslywishedhertogo。Well,whynot?Thiswasanightoftheunusual,whenshewasnotherselfatall,butwaslivinganunreality。Tomorrow,yes,inafewhours,therewouldbetheVestibuleLimitedandtheworld。 “Well,ifyou’lltakegoodcareofme。Iusedtobeabletoclimb,whenIwasalittlegirl。“ Onceatthetopandseatedontheplatform,theyweresilent。 Margaretwonderedifshewouldnothungerforthatsceneallherlife,throughalltheroutineofthedaystocome。AbovethemstretchedthegreatWesternsky,serenelyblue,eveninthenight,withitsbig,burningstars,neversocoldanddeadandfarawayasindenseratmospheres。Themoonwouldnotbeupfortwentyminutesyet,andallaboutthehorizon,thatwidehorizon,whichseemedtoreacharoundtheworld,lingeredapalewhitelight,asofauniversaldawn。Thewearywindbroughtuptothemtheheavyodoursofthecornfields。Themusicofthedancesoundedfaintlyfrombelow。Ericleanedonhiselbowbesideher,hislegsswingingdownontheladder。HisgreatshoulderslookedmorethaneverlikethoseofthestoneDoryphorus,whostandsinhisperfect,reposefulstrengthintheLouvre,andhadoftenmadeherwonderifsuchmendiedforeverwiththeyouthofGreece。 “Howsweetthecornsmellsatnight,“saidMargaretnervously。 “Yes,liketheflowersthatgrowinparadise,Ithink。“ Shewassomewhatstartledbythisreply,andmorestartledwhenthistaciturnmanspokeagain。 “Yougoawaytomorrow?“ “Yes,wehavestayedlongerthanwethoughttonow。“ “Younotcomebackanymore?“ “No,Iexpectnot。Yousee,itisalongtriphalfwayacrossthecontinent。“ “Yousoonforgetaboutthiscountry,Iguess。“Itseemedtohimnowalittlethingtolosehissoulforthiswoman,butthatsheshouldutterlyforgetthisnightintowhichhethrewallhislifeandallhiseternity,thatwasabitterthought。 “No,Eric,Iwillnotforget。Youhaveallbeentookindtomeforthat。Andyouwon’tbesorryyoudancedthisonenight,willyou?“ “Ineverbesorry。Ihavenotbeensohappybefore。Inotbesohappyagain,ever。Youwillbehappymanynightsyet,Ionlythisone。Iwilldreamsometimes,maybe。“ Themightyresignationofhistonealarmedandtouchedher。 Itwasaswhensomegreatanimalcomposesitselffordeath,aswhenagreatshipgoesdownatsea。 Shesighed,butdidnotanswerhim。Hedrewalittlecloserandlookedintohereyes。 “Youarenotalwayshappy,too?“heasked。 “No,notalways,Eric;notveryoften,Ithink。“ “Youhaveatrouble?“ “Yes,butIcannotputitintowords。PerhapsifIcoulddothat,Icouldcureit。“ Heclaspedhishandstogetheroverhisheart,aschildrendowhentheypray,andsaidfalteringly,“IfIownalltheworld,Igivehimyou。“ Margaretfeltasuddenmoistureinhereyes,andlaidherhandonhis。 “Thankyou,Eric;Ibelieveyouwould。ButperhapseventhenIshouldnotbehappy。PerhapsIhavetoomuchofitalready。“ Shedidnottakeherhandawayfromhim;shedidnotdare。 Shesatstillandwaitedforthetraditionsinwhichshehadalwaysbelievedtospeakandsaveher。Buttheyweredumb。Shebelongedtoanultra-refinedcivilizationwhichtriestocheatnaturewithelegantsophistries。Cheatnature?Bah!Onegenerationmaydoit,perhapstwo,butthethird——Canweeverriseabovenatureorsinkbelowher?DidshenotturnonJerusalemasuponSodom,uponSt。AnthonyinhisdesertasuponNeroinhisseraglio?Doesshenotalwayscryinbrutaltriumph:“Iamherestill,atthebottomofthings,warmingtherootsoflife;youcannotstarvemenortamemenorthwartme;Imadetheworld,Iruleit,andIamitsdestiny。“