IwishtoexpressmygratitudeforcertaingoodofficeswhichAugustussecuredformeinJanuary，1917。IhadbeeninvitedtovisitthetheatreofwarinFlandersbytheCommander—in—Chief：
aninvitationwhichwas，underthecircumstances，asummonstoduty。ThusIhadoccasiontospendsomedaysinprocuringthenecessarypassportandotherofficialfacilitiesformyjourney。IthappenedjustthenthattheStageSocietygaveaperformanceofthislittleplay。Itopenedtheheartofeveryofficialtome。Ihavealwaysbeentreatedwithdistinguishedconsiderationinmycontractswithbureaucracyduringthewar；
butonthisoccasionIfoundmyselfpersonagratainthehighestdegree。Therewasonlyonewordwhentheformalitiesweredisposedof；andthatwas\"WeareupagainstAugustusallday。\"
Theshowing—upofAugustusscandalizedoneortwoinnocentandpatrioticcriticswhoregardedtheprowessoftheBritisharmyasinextricablyboundupwithHighcastleprestige。ButourGovernmentdepartmentsknewbetter：theirproblemwashowtowinthewarwithAugustusontheirbacks，well—meaning，brave，patriotic，butobstructivelyfussy，self—important，imbecile，anddisastrous。
SaveforthesatisfactionofbeingabletolaughatAugustusinthetheatre，nothing，asfarasIknow，cameofmydramaticreductionofhimtoabsurdity。Generals，admirals，PrimeMinistersandControllers，nottomentionEmperors，KaisersandTsars，werescrappedremorselesslyathomeandabroad，fortheirsinsorservices，asthecasemightbe。ButAugustusstoodliketheEddystoneinastorm，andstandssotothisday。Hegaveushiswordthathewasindispensableandwetookit。
AugustusDoesHisBitwasperformedforthefirsttimeattheCourtTheatreinLondonbytheStageSocietyonthe21stJanuary，1917，withLallaVanderveldeasTheLady，F。
B。J。SharpasLordAugustusHighcastle，andCharlesRockasHoratioFloydBeamish。
AUGUSTUSDOESHISBIT
TheMayor’sparlorintheTownHallofLittlePifflington。LordAugustusHighcastle，adistinguishedmemberofthegoverningclass，intheuniformofacolonel，andverywellpreservedatforty—five，iscomfortablyseatedatawriting—tablewithhisheelsonit，readingTheMorningPost。Thedoorfaceshim，alittletohisleft，attheothersideoftheroom。Thewindowisbehindhim。Inthefireplace，agasstove。Onthetableabellbuttonandatelephone。PortraitsofpastMayors，inrobesandgoldchains，adornthewalls。Anelderlyclerkwithashortwhitebeardandwhiskers，andaveryrednose，shufflesin。
AUGUSTUS[hastilyputtingasidehispaperandreplacinghisfeetonthefloor]。Hullo！Whoareyou？
THECLERK。Thestaff[aslightimpedimentinhisspeechaddstotheimpressionofincompetenceproducedbyhisageandappearance]。
AUGUSTUS。Youthestaff！Whatdoyoumean，man？
THECLERK。WhatIsay。Thereain’tanybodyelse。
AUGUSTUS。Tush！Wherearetheothers？
THECLERK。Atthefront。
AUGUSTUS。Quiteright。Mostproper。Whyaren’tyouatthefront？
THECLERK。Overage。Fifty—seven。
AUGUSTUS。Butyoucanstilldoyourbit。ManyanoldermanisintheG。R。’s，orvolunteeringforhomedefence。
THECLERK。Ihavevolunteered。
AUGUSTUS。Thenwhyareyounotinuniform？
THECLERK。Theysaidtheywouldn’thavemeifIwasgivenawaywithapoundoftea。Toldmetogohomeandnotbeanoldsilly。
[Asenseofunbearablewrong，tillnowonlysmoulderinginhim，burstsintoflame。]YoungBillKnight，thatItookwithme，gottwoandsevenpence。Igotnothing。Isitjustice？Thiscountryisgoingtothedogs，ifyouaskme。
AUGUSTUS[risingindignantly]。Idonotaskyou，sir；andIwillnotallowyoutosaysuchthingsinmypresence。Ourstatesmenarethegreatestknowntohistory。Ourgeneralsareinvincible。
Ourarmyistheadmirationoftheworld。[Furiously。]Howdareyoutellmethatthecountryisgoingtothedogs！
THECLERK。WhydidtheygiveyoungBillKnighttwoandsevenpence，andnotgivemeevenmytramfare？Doyoucallthatbeinggreatstatesmen？Asgoodasrobbingme，Icallit。
AUGUSTUS。That’senough。Leavetheroom。[Hesitsdownandtakesuphispen，settlinghimselftowork。Theclerkshufflestothedoor。Augustusadds，withcoldpoliteness]SendmetheSecretary。
THECLERK。I’MtheSecretary。Ican’tleavetheroomandsendmyselftoyouatthesametime，canI？
AUGUSTUS，Don’tbeinsolent。WhereisthegentlemanIhavebeencorrespondingwith：MrHoratioFloydBeamish？
THECLERK[returningandbowing]。Here。Me。
AUGUSTUS。You！Ridiculous。Whatrighthaveyoutocallyourselfbyapretentiousnameofthatsort？
THECLERK。YoumaydroptheHoratioFloyd。Beamishisgoodenoughforme。
AUGUSTUS。Istherenobodyelsetotakemyinstructions？
THECLERK。It’smeornobody。AndfortwopinsI’dchuckit。
Don’tyoudrivemetoofar。Oldunslikemeisupintheworldnow。
AUGUSTUS。Ifwewerenotatwar，Ishoulddischargeyouonthespotfordisrespectfulbehavior。ButEnglandisindanger；andI
cannotthinkofmypersonaldignityatsuchamoment。[Shoutingathim。]Don’tyouthinkofyours，either，wormthatyouare；orI’llhaveyouarrestedundertheDefenceoftheRealmAct，doublequick。
THECLERK。WhatdoIcareabouttherealm？Theydonemeoutoftwoandseven——
AUGUSTUS。Oh，damnyourtwoandseven！Didyoureceivemyletters？
THECLERK。Yes。
AUGUSTUS。Iaddressedameetingherelastnight——wentstraighttotheplatformfromthetrain。IwrotetoyouthatIshouldexpectyoutobepresentandreportyourself。Whydidyounotdoso？
THECLERK。Thepolicewouldn’tletmeontheplatform。
AUGUSTUS。Didyoutellthemwhoyouwere？
THECLERK。TheyknewwhoIwas。That’swhytheywouldn’tletmeup。
AUGUSTUS。Thisistoosillyforanything。Thistownwantswakingup。ImadethebestrecruitingspeechIevermadeinmylife；andnotamanjoined。
THECLERK。Whatdidyouexpect？Youtoldthemourgallantfellowsisfallingattherateofathousandadayinthebigpush。DyingforLittlePifflington，yousays。Comeandtaketheirplaces，yousays。Thatain’tthewaytorecruit。
AUGUSTUS。ButIexpresslytoldthemtheirwidowswouldhavepensions。
THECLERK。Iheardyou。Wouldhavebeenallrightifithadbeenthewidowsyouwantedtogetround。
AUGUSTUS[risingangrily]。Thistownisinhabitedbydastards。I
sayitwithafullsenseofresponsibility，DASTARDS！TheycallthemselvesEnglishmen；andtheyareafraidtofight。
THECLERK。Afraidtofight！YoushouldseethemonaSaturdaynight。
AUGUSTUS。Yes，theyfightoneanother；buttheywon’tfighttheGermans。
THECLERK。Theygotgrudgesagainoneanother：howcantheyhavegrudgesagaintheHunsthattheyneversaw？They’venoimagination：that’swhatitis。BringtheHunshere；andthey’llquarrelwiththemfastenough。
AUGUSTUS[returningtohisseatwithagruntofdisgust]。Mf！
They’llhavethemhereifthey’renotcareful。[Seated。]Haveyoucarriedoutmyordersaboutthewarsaving？
THECLERK。Yes。
AUGUSTUS。Theallowanceofpetrolhasbeenreducedbythreequarters？
THECLERK。Ithas。
AUGUSTUS。Andyouhavetoldthemotor—carpeopletocomehereandarrangetostartmunitionworknowthattheirmotorbusinessisstopped？
THECLERK。Itain’tstopped。They’rebusierthanever。
AUGUSTUS。Busyatwhat？
THECLERK。Makingsmallcars。
AUGUSTUS。NEWcars！
THECLERK。Theoldcarsonlydotwelvemilestothegallon。
Everybodyhastohaveacarthatwilldothirty—fivenow。
AUGUSTUS。Can’ttheytakethetrain？
THECLERK。Thereain’tnotrainsnow。They’vetoreuptherailsandsentthemtothefront。
AUGUSTUS。Psha！
THECLERK。Well，wehavetogetaboutsomehow。
AUGUSTUS。Thisisperfectlymonstrous。NotintheleastwhatI
intended。
THECLERK。Hell——
AUGUSTUS。Sir！
THECLERK[explaining]。Hell，theysays，ispavedwithgoodintentions。
AUGUSTUS[springingtohisfeet]。DoyoumeantoinsinuatethathellispavedwithMYgoodintentions——withthegoodintentionsofHisMajesty’sGovernment？
THECLERK。Idon’tmeantoinsinuateanythinguntiltheDefenceoftheRealmActisrepealed。Itain’tsafe。
AUGUSTUS。TheytoldmethatthistownhadsetanexampletoallEnglandinthematterofeconomy。IcamedownheretopromisetheMayoraknighthoodforhisexertions。
THECLERK。TheMayor！WheredoIcomein？
AUGUSTUS。Youdon’tcomein。Yougoout。Thisisafoolofaplace。I’mgreatlydisappointed。Deeplydisappointed。[Flinginghimselfbackintohischair。]Disgusted。
THECLERK。Whatmorecanwedo？We’veshutupeverything。Thepicturegalleryisshut。Themuseumisshut。Thetheatresandpictureshowsisshut：Ihaven’tseenamoviepictureforsixmonths。
AUGUSTUS。Man，man：doyouwanttoseepictureshowswhentheHunisatthegate？
THECLERK[mournfully]。Idon’tnow，thoughitdrovememelancholymadatfirst。Iwasonthepointoftakingapennorthofratpoison——
AUGUSTUS。Whydidn’tyou？
THECLERK。Becauseafriendadvisedmetotaketodrinkinstead。
Thatsavedmylife，thoughitmakesmeverypoorcompanyinthemornings，as[hiccuping]perhapsyou’venoticed。
AUGUSTUS。Well，uponmysoul！Youarenotashamedtostandthereandconfessyourselfadisgustingdrunkard。
THECLERK。Well，whatofit？We’reatwarnow；andeverything’schanged。Besides，IshouldlosemyjobhereifIstooddrinkingatthebar。I’marespectablemanandmustbuymydrinkandtakeithomewithme。Andtheywon’tservemewithlessthanaquart。
Ifyou’dtoldmebeforethewarthatIcouldgetthroughaquartofwhiskyinaday，Ishouldn’thavebelievedyou。That’sthegoodofwar：itbringsoutpowersinamanthatheneversuspectedhimselfcapableof。Yousaidsoyourselfinyourspeechlastnight。
AUGUSTUS。IdidnotknowthatIwastalkingtoanimbecile。Yououghttobeashamedofyourself。Theremustbeanendofthisdrunkenslacking。I’mgoingtoestablishaneworderofthingshere。Ishallcomedowneverymorningbeforebreakfastuntilthingsareproperlyintrain。Haveacupofcoffeeandtworollsformehereeverymorningathalf—pastten。
THECLERK。Youcan’thavenorolls。TheonlybakerthatbakedrollswasaHun；andhe’sbeeninterned。
AUGUSTUS。Quiteright，too。AndwastherenoEnglishmantotakehisplace？
THECLERK。Therewas。Buthewascaughtspying；andtheytookhimuptoLondonandshothim。
AUGUSTUS。ShotanEnglishman！
THECLERK。Well，itstandstoreasoniftheGermanswantedtospytheywouldn’temployaGermanthateverybodywouldsuspect，don’tit？
AUGUSTUS[risingagain]。Doyoumeantosay，youscoundrel，thatanEnglishmaniscapableofsellinghiscountrytotheenemyforgold？
THECLERK。NotasageneralthingIwouldn’tsayit；butthere’smenherewouldselltheirownmothersfortwocoppersiftheygotthechance。
AUGUSTUS。Beamish，it’sanillbirdthatfoulsitsownnest。
THECLERK。Itwasn’tmethatletLittlePifflingtongetfoul。I
don’tbelongtothegoverningclasses。Ionlytellyouwhyyoucan’thavenorolls。
AUGUSTUS[intenselyirritated]。CanyoutellmewhereIcanfindanintelligentbeingtotakemyorders？
THECLERK。Oneofthestreetsweepersusedtoteachintheschooluntilitwasshutupforthesakeofeconomy。Willhedo？
AUGUSTUS。What！Youmeantotellmethatwhenthelivesofthegallantfellowsinourtrenches，andthefateoftheBritishEmpire，dependonourkeepingupthesupplyofshells，youarewastingmoneyonsweepingthestreets？
THECLERK。Wehaveto。Wedroppeditforawhile；buttheinfantdeathratewentupsomethingfrightful。
AUGUSTUS。WhatmattersthedeathrateofLittlePifflingtoninamomentlikethis？Thinkofourgallantsoldiers，notofyoursquallinginfants。
THECLERK。Ifyouwantsoldiersyoumusthavechildren。Youcan’tbuyeminboxes，liketoysoldiers。
AUGUSTUS。Beamish，thelongandtheshortofitis，youarenopatriot。Godownstairstoyouroffice；andhavethatgasstovetakenawayandreplacedbyanordinarygrate。TheBoardofTradehasurgedonmethenecessityforeconomizinggas。
THECLERK。OurordersfromtheMinisterofMunitionsistousegasinsteadofcoal，becauseitsavesmaterial。Whichisittobe？
AUGUSTUS[bawlingfuriouslyathim]。Both！Don’tcriticizeyourorders：obeythem。Yoursnottoreasonwhy：yoursbuttodoanddie。That’swar。[Coolingdown。]Haveyouanythingelsetosay？
THECLERK。Yes：Iwantarise。
AUGUSTUS[reelingagainstthetableinhishorror]。Arise！
HoratioFloydBeamish，doyouknowthatweareatwar？
THECLERK[feeblyironical]。Ihavenoticedsomethingaboutitinthepapers。Heardyoumentionitonceortwice，nowIcometothinkofit。
AUGUSTUS。Ourgallantfellowsaredyinginthetrenches；andyouwantarise！
THECLERK。Whataretheydyingfor？Tokeepmealive，ain’tit？
Well，what’sthegoodofthatifI’mdeadofhungerbythetimetheycomeback？
AUGUSTUS。Everybodyelseismakingsacrificeswithoutathoughtofself；andyou——
THECLERK。Nothalf，theyain’t。Where’sthebaker’ssacrifice？
Where’sthecoalmerchant’s？Where’sthebutcher’s？Chargingmedouble：that’showtheysacrificethemselves。Well，Iwanttosacrificemyselfthatwaytoo。JustdoublenextSaturday：doubleandnotapennyless；ornosecretaryforyou[hestiffenshimselfshakily，andmakesresolutelyforthedoor。]
AUGUSTUS[lookingafterhimcontemptuously]。Go，miserablepro—German。
THECLERK[rushingbackandfacinghim]。Whoareyoucallingapro—German？
AUGUSTUS。Anotherword，andIchargeyouundertheActwithdiscouragingme。Go。
Theclerkblenchesandgoesout，cowed。
Thetelephonerings。
AUGUSTUS[takingupthetelephonereceiver。Hallo。Yes：whoareyou？……oh，Blueloo，isit？……Yes：there’snobodyintheroom：
fireaway。What？……Aspy！……Awoman！……Yes：broughtitdownwithme。DoyousupposeI’msuchafoolastoletitoutofmyhands？
Why，itgivesalistofallouranti—aircraftemplacementsfromRamsgatetoSkegness。TheGermanswouldgiveamillionforit——
what？……Buthowcouldshepossiblyknowaboutit？Ihaven’tmentionedittoasoul，except，ofcourse，dearLucy……Oh，TotoandLadyPophamandthatlot：theydon’tcount：they’reallright。ImeanthatIhaven’tmentionedittoanyGermans……
Pooh！Don’tyoubenervous，oldchap。Iknowyouthinkmeafool；
butI’mnotsuchafoolasallthat。IfshetriestogetitoutofmeI’llhaveherintheTowerbeforeyouringupagain。[Theclerkreturns。]Sh—sh！Somebody’sjustcomein：ringoff。
Goodbye。[Hehangsupthereceiver。]
THECLERK。Areyouengaged？[Hismannerisstrangelysoftened。]
AUGUSTUS。Whatbusinessisthatofyours？However，ifyouwilltakethetroubletoreadthesocietypapersforthisweek，youwillseethatIamengagedtotheHonorableLucyPopham，youngestdaughterof——
THECLERK。Thatain’twhatImean。Canyouseeafemale？
AUGUSTUS。OfcourseIcanseeafemaleaseasilyasamale。DoyousupposeI’mblind？
THECLERK。Youdon’tseemtofollowme，somehow。There’safemaledownstairs：whatyoumightcallalady。ShewantstoknowcanyouseeherifIletherup。
AUGUSTUS。Oh，youmeanamIdisengaged。TelltheladyIhavejustreceivednewsofthegreatestimportancewhichwilloccupymyentireattentionfortherestoftheday，andthatshemustwriteforanappointment。
THECLERK。I’llaskhertoexplainherbusinesstome。Iain’tabovetalkingtoahandsomeyoungfemalewhenIgetthechance[going]。
AUGUSTUS。Stop。Doessheseemtobeapersonofconsequence？
THECLERK。Aregularmarchioness，ifyouaskme。
AUGUSTUS。Hm！Beautiful，didyousay？
THECLERK。Ahumanchrysanthemum，sir，believeme。
AUGUSTUS。Itwillbeextremelyinconvenientformetoseeher；
butthecountryisindanger；andwemustnotconsiderourowncomfort。Thinkhowourgallantfellowsaresufferinginthetrenches！Showherup。[Theclerkmakesforthedoor，whistlingthelatestpopularballad]。Stopwhistlinginstantly，sir。Thisisnotacasino。
CLERK。Ain’tit？Youjustwaittillyouseeher。[Hegoesout。]
Augustusproducesamirror，acomb，andapotofmoustachepomadefromthedrawerofthewriting—table，andsitsdownbeforethemirrortoputsometouchestohistoilet。
Theclerkreturns，devotedlyusheringaveryattractivelady，brilliantlydressed。Shehasadaintywallethangingfromherwrist。AugustushastilycoversuphistoiletapparatuswithTheMorningPost，andrisesinanattitudeofpompouscondescension。
THECLERK[toAugustus]。Heresheis。[Tothelady。]MayIofferyouachair，lady？[Heplacesachairatthewriting—tableoppositeAugustus，andstealsoutontiptoe。]
AUGUSTUS。Beseated，madam。
THELADY[sittingdown]。AreyouLordAugustusHighcastle？
AUGUSTUS[sittingalso]。Madam，Iam。
TAELADY[withawe]。ThegreatLordAugustus？
AUGUSTUS。Ishouldnotdreamofdescribingmyselfso，Madam；butnodoubtIhaveimpressedmycountrymen——and[bowinggallantly]
mayIsaymycountrywomen——ashavingsomeexceptionalclaimstotheirconsideration。
THELADY[emotionally]。Whatabeautifulvoiceyouhave！
AUGUSTUS。Whatyouhear，madam，isthevoiceofmycountry，whichnowtakesasweetandnobletoneevenintheharshmouthofhighofficialism。
THELADY。Pleasegoon。Youexpressyourselfsowonderfully！
AUGUSTUS。Itwouldbestrangeindeedif，aftersittingonthirty—sevenRoyalCommissions，mostlyaschairman，Ihadnotmasteredtheartofpublicexpression。EventheRadicalpapershavepaidmethehighcomplimentofdeclaringthatIamnevermoreimpressivethanwhenIhavenothingtosay。
THELADY。IneverreadtheRadicalpapers。AllIcantellyouisthatwhatwewomenadmireinyouisnotthepolitician，butthemanofaction，theheroicwarrior，thebeausabreur。
AUGUSTUS[gloomily]。Madam，Ibeg！Please！Mymilitaryexploitsarenotapleasantsubject，unhappily。
THELADY。Oh，IknowIknow。Howshamefullyyouhavebeentreated！whatingratitude！Butthecountryiswithyou。Thewomenarewithyou。Oh，doyouthinkallourheartsdidnotthrobandallournervesthrillwhenweheardhow，whenyouwereorderedtooccupythatterriblequarryinHulluch，andyousweptintoitattheheadofyourmenlikeasea—godridingonatidalwave，yousuddenlysprangoverthetopshouting\"ToBerlin！Forward！\"；
dashedattheGermanarmysingle—handed；andwerecutoffandmadeprisonerbytheHuns。
AUGUSTUS。Yes，madam；andwhatwasmyreward？TheysaidI
haddisobeyedorders，andsentmehome。HavetheyforgottenNelsonintheBaltic？HasanyBritishbattleeverbeenwonexceptbyaboldinitiative？Isaynothingofprofessionaljealousy，itexistsinthearmyaselsewhere；butitisabitterthoughttomethattherecognitiondeniedmebymycountry——orratherbytheRadicalcabalintheCabinetwhichpursuesmyfamilywithrancorousclasshatred——thatthisrecognition，Isay，cametomeatthehandsofanenemy——ofarankPrussian。
THELADY。Youdon’tsayso！
AUGUSTUS。HowelseshouldIbehereinsteadofstarvingtodeathinRuhleben？Yes，madam：theColonelofthePomeranianregimentwhichcapturedme，afterlearningwhatIhaddone，andconversingforanhourwithmeonEuropeanpoliticsandmilitarystrategy，declaredthatnothingwouldinducehimtodeprivemycountryofmyservices，andsetmefree。Ioffered，ofcourse，toprocurethereleaseinexchangeofaGermanofficerofequalquality；buthewouldnothearofit。HewaskindenoughtosayhecouldnotbelievethataGermanofficeransweringtothatdescriptionexisted。[Withemotion。]IhadmyfirsttasteoftheingratitudeofmyowncountryasImademywaybacktoourlines。Ashotfromourfronttrenchstruckmeinthehead。Istillcarrytheflattenedprojectileasatrophy[hethrowsitonthetable；thenoiseitmakestestifiestoitsweight]。HaditpenetratedtothebrainImightneverhavesatonanotherRoyalCommission。
Fortunatelywehavestrongheads，weHighcastles。Nothinghaseverpenetratedtoourbrains。
THELADY。Howthrilling！Howsimple！Andhowtragic！ButyouwillforgiveEngland？Remember：England！Forgiveher。
AUGUSTUS[withgloomymagnanimity]。Itwillmakenodifferencewhatevertomyservicestomycountry。Thoughsheslayme，yetwillI，ifnotexactlytrustinher，atleasttakemypartinhergovernment。Iameveratmycountry’scall。WhetheritbetheembassyinaleadingEuropeancapital，agovernor—generalshipinthetropics，ormyhumblemissionheretomakeLittlePifflingtondoitsbit，Iamalwaysreadyforthesacrifice。WhilstEnglandremainsEngland，whereverthereisapublicjobtobedoneyouwillfindaHighcastlestickingtoit。Andnow，madam，enoughofmytragicpersonalhistory。Youhavecalledonbusiness。WhatcanIdoforyou？
THELADY。YouhaverelativesattheForeignOffice，haveyounot？
AUGUSTUS[haughtily]。Madam，theForeignOfficeisstaffedbymyrelativesexclusively。
THELADY。HastheForeignOfficewarnedyouthatyouarebeingpursuedbyafemalespywhoisdeterminedtoobtainpossessionofacertainlistofgunemplacements？
AUGUSTUS[interruptinghersomewhatloftily]。Allthatisperfectlywellknowntothisdepartment，madam。
THELADY[surprisedandratherindignant]。Isit？Whotoldyou？
WasitoneofyourGermanbrothers—in—law？
AUGUSTUS[injured，remonstrating]。IhaveonlythreeGermanbrothers—in—law，madam。Really，fromyourtone，onewouldsupposethatIhadseveral。Pardonmysensitivenessonthatsubject；butreportsarecontinuallybeingcirculatedthatIhavebeenshotasatraitorinthecourtyardoftheRitzHotelsimplybecauseI
haveGermanbrothers—in—law。[Withfeeling。]IfyouhadaGermanbrother—in—law，madam，youwouldknowthatnothingelseintheworldproducessostrongananti—Germanfeeling。Lifeaffordsnokeenerpleasurethanfindingabrother—in—law’snameintheGermancasualtylist。
THELADY。NobodyknowsthatbetterthanI。WaituntilyouhearwhatIhavecometotellyou：youwillunderstandmeasnooneelsecould。Listen。Thisspy，thiswoman——
AUGUSTUS[allattention]。Yes？
THELADY。SheisaGerman。AHun。
AUGUSTUS。Yes，yes。Shewouldbe。Continue。
THELADY。Sheismysister—in—law。
AUGUSTUS[deferentially]。Iseeyouarewellconnected，madam。
Proceed。
THELADY。NeedIaddthatsheismybitterestenemy？
AUGUSTUS。MayI——[heproffershishand。Theyshake，fervently。
>FromthismomentonwardAugustusbecomesmoreandmoreconfidential，gallant，andcharming。]
THELADY。Quiteso。Well，sheisanintimatefriendofyourbrotherattheWarOffice，HungerfordHighcastle，Bluelooasyoucallhim，Idon’tknowwhy。
AUGUSTUS[explaining]。HewasoriginallycalledTheSingingOyster，becausehesangdrawing—roomballadswithsuchanextraordinaryabsenceofexpression。HewasthencalledtheBluePointforaseasonortwo。FinallyhebecameBlueloo。
THELADY。Oh，indeed：Ididn’tknow。Well，Bluelooissimplyinfatuatedwithmysister—in—law；andhehasrashlyletouttoherthatthislistisinyourpossession。Heforgothimselfbecausehewasinatoweringrageatitsbeingentrustedtoyou：
hislanguagewasterrible。Heorderedallthegunstobeshiftedatonce。
AUGUSTUS。Whatonearthdidhedothatfor？
THELADY。Ican’timagine。ButthisIknow。Shemadeabetwithhimthatshewouldcomedownhereandobtainpossessionofthatlistandgetcleanawayintothestreetwithit。HetookthebetonconditionthatshebroughtitstraightbacktohimattheWarOffice。
AUGUSTUS。Goodheavens！AndyoumeantotellmethatBlueloowassuchadoltastobelievethatshecouldsucceed？Doeshetakemeforafool？
THELADY。Oh，impossible！Heisjealousofyourintellect。Thebetisaninsulttoyou：don’tyoufeelthat？Afterwhatyouhavedoneforourcountry——
AUGUSTUS。Oh，nevermindthat。ItistheidiocyofthethingI
lookat。He’lllosehisbet；andservehimright！
THELADY。Youfeelsureyouwillbeabletoresistthesiren？I
warnyou，sheisveryfascinating。
AUGUSTUS。Youneedhavenofear，madam。Ihopeshewillcomeandtryiton。Fascinationisagamethattwocanplayat。ForcenturiestheyoungersonsoftheHighcastleshavehadnothingtodobutfascinateattractivefemaleswhentheywerenotsittingonRoyalCommissionsorondutyatKnightsbridgebarracks。ByGad，madam，ifthesirencomeshereshewillmeethermatch。
THELADY。Ifeelthat。Butifshefailstoseduceyou——
AUGUSTUS[blushing]。Madam！
THELADY[continuing]——fromyourallegiance——
AUGUSTUS。Oh，that！
THELADY。——shewillresorttofraud，toforce，toanything。Shewillburgleyouroffice：shewillhaveyouattackedandgarottedatnightinthestreet。
AUGUSTUS。Pooh！I’mnotafraid。
THELADY。Oh，yourcouragewillonlytemptyouintodanger。Shemaygetthelistafterall。Itistruethatthegunsaremoved。
Butshewouldwinherbet。
AUGUSTUS[cautiously]。Youdidnotsaythatthegunsweremoved。
YousaidthatBlueloohadorderedthemtobemoved。
THELADY。Well，thatisthesamething，isn’tit？
AUGUSTUS。Notquite——attheWarOffice。NodoubtthosegunsWILL
bemoved：possiblyevenbeforetheendofthewar。
THELADY。Thenyouthinktheyaretherestill！ButiftheGermanWarOfficegetsthelist——andshewillcopyitbeforeshegivesitbacktoBlueloo，youmaydependonit——allislost。
AUGUSTUS[lazily]。Well，Ishouldnotgoasfarasthat。
[Loweringhisvoice。]WillyousweartomenottorepeatwhatI
amgoingtosaytoyou；foriftheBritishpublicknewthatIhadsaidit，Ishouldbeatoncehoundeddownasapro—German。
THELADY。Iwillbesilentasthegrave。Iswearit。
AUGUSTUS[againtakingiteasily]。Well，ourpeoplehaveforsomereasonmadeuptheirmindsthattheGermanWarOfficeiseverythingthatourWarOfficeisnot——thatitcarriespromptitude，efficiency，andorganizationtoapitchofcompletenessandperfectionthatmustbe，inmyopinion，destructivetothehappinessofthestaff。Myownview——whichyouarepledged，remember，nottobetray——isthattheGermanWarOfficeisnobetterthananyotherWarOffice。Ifoundthatopiniononmyobservationofthecharactersofmybrothers—in—law：oneofwhom，bytheway，isontheGermangeneralstaff。Iamnotatallsurethatthislistofgunemplacementswouldreceivethesmallestattention。Yousee，therearealwayssomanymoreimportantthingstobeattendedto。
Familymatters，andsoon，youunderstand。
THELADY。Still，ifaquestionwereaskedintheHouseofCommons——
AUGUSTUS。Thegreatadvantageofbeingatwar，madam，isthatnobodytakestheslightestnoticeoftheHouseofCommons。NodoubtitissometimesnecessaryforaMinistertosoothethemoreseditiousmembersofthatassemblybygivingapledgeortwo；buttheWarOfficetakesnonoticeofsuchthings。
THELADY[staringathim]。Thenyouthinkthislistofgunemplacementsdoesn’tmatter！！
AUGUSTUS。Bynomeans，madam。Itmattersverymuchindeed。Ifthisspyweretoobtainpossessionofthelist，Blueloowouldtellthestoryateverydinner—tableinLondon；and——
THELADY。Andyoumightloseyourpost。Ofcourse。
AUGUSTUS[amazedandindignant]。Ilosemypost！Whatareyoudreamingabout，madam？HowcouldIpossiblybespared？TherearehardlyHighcastlesenoughatpresenttofillhalfthepostscreatedbythiswar。No：Blueloowouldnotgothatfar。Heisatleastagentleman。ButIshouldbechaffed；and，frankly，Idon’tlikebeingchaffed。
THELADY。Ofcoursenot。Whodoes？Itwouldneverdo。Ohnever，never。
AUGUSTUS。I’mgladyouseeitinthatlight。Andnow，asameasureofsecurity，Ishallputthatlistinmypocket。[Hebeginssearchingvainlyfromdrawertodrawerinthewriting—table。]Whereonearth——？WhatthedickensdidI——？
That’sveryodd：I——Wherethedeuce——？IthoughtIhadputitinthe——Oh，hereitis！No：thisisLucy’slastletter。
THELADY[elegiacally]。Lucy’sLastLetter！Whatatitleforapictureplay！
AUGUSTUS[delighted]。Yes：itis，isn’tit？Lucyappealstotheimaginationlikenootherwoman。Bytheway[handingovertheletter]，Iwondercouldyoureaditforme？Lucyisadarlinggirl；butIreallycan’treadherwriting。InLondonIgettheofficetypisttodecipheritandmakemeatypedcopy；butherethereisnobody。
THELADY[puzzlingoverit]。Itisreallyalmostillegible。I
thinkthebeginningismeantfor\"DearestGus。\"
AUGUSTUS[eagerly]。Yes：thatiswhatsheusuallycallsme。
Pleasegoon。
THELADY[tryingtodecipherit]。\"Whata\"——\"whata\"——ohyes：
\"whataforgetfulold\"——something——\"youare！\"Ican’tmakeouttheword。
AUGUSTUS[greatlyinterested]。Isitblighter？Thatisafavoriteexpressionofhers。
THELADY。Ithinkso。AtalleventsitbeginswithaB。
[Reading。]\"Whataforgetfulold\"——[sheisinterruptedbyaknockatthedoor。]
AUGUSTUS[impatiently]。Comein。[Theclerkenters，cleanshavenandinkhaki，withanofficialpaperandanenvelopeinhishand。]Whatisthisridiculousmummerysir？
THECLERK[comingtothetableandexhibitinghisuniformtoboth]。They’vepassedme。Therecruitingofficercomeforme。
I’vehadmytwoandseven。
AUGUSTUS[risingwrathfully]。Ishallnotpermitit。Whatdotheymeanbytakingmyofficestaff？GoodGod！theywillbetakingourhuntservantsnext。[Confrontingtheclerk。]Whatdidthemanmean？Whatdidhesay？
THECLERK。Hesaidthatnowyouwasonthejobwe’dwantanothermillionmen，andhewasgoingtotaketheold—agepensionersoranyonehecouldget。
AUGUSTUS。Anddidyoudaretoknockatmydoorandinterruptmybusinesswiththisladytorepeatthisman’sineptitudes？
THECLERK。No。Icomebecausethewaiterfromthehotelbroughtthispaper。Youleftitonthecoffeeroombreakfast—tablethismorning。
THELADY[interceptingit]。Itisthelist。Goodheavens！
THECLERK[profferingtheenvelope]。Hesayshethinksthisistheenvelopebelongingtoit。
THELADY[snatchingtheenvelopealso]。Yes！Addressedtoyou，LordAugustus！[Augustuscomesbacktothetabletolookatit。]
Oh，howimprudent！Everybodywouldguessitsimportancewithyournameonit。FortunatelyIhavesomelettersofmyownhere[openingherwallet。]Whynothideitinoneofmyenvelopes？
thennoonewilldreamthattheenclosureisofanypoliticalvalue。[Takingoutaletter，shecrossestheroomtowardsthewindow，whisperingtoAugustusasshepasseshim。]Getridofthatman。
AUGUSTUS[haughtilyapproachingtheclerk，whohumorouslymakesaparalyticattempttostandatattention]。Haveyouanyfurtherbusinesshere，pray？
THECLERK。AmItogivethewaiteranything；orwillyoudoityourself？
AUGUSTUS。Whichwaiterisit？TheEnglishone？
THECLERK。No：theonethatcallshisselfaSwiss。Shouldn’twonderifhe’dmadeacopyofthatpaper。
AUGUSTUS。Keepyourimpertinentsurmisestoyourself，sir。
Rememberthatyouareinthearmynow；andletmehavenomoreofyourcivilianinsubordination。Attention！Leftturn！Quickmarch！
THECLERK[stolidly]。Idunnowhatyoumean。
AUGUSTUS。Gototheguard—roomandreportyourselffordisobeyingorders。NowdoyouknowwhatImean？
THECLERK。Nowlookhere。Iain’tgoingtoarguewithyou——
AUGUSTUS。NorIwithyou。Outwithyou。
Heseizestheclerk：andrusheshimthroughthedoor。Themomenttheladyisleftalone，shesnatchesasheetofofficialpaperfromthestationeryrack：foldsitsothatitresemblesthelist；
comparesthetwotoseethattheylookexactlyalike：whipsthelistintoherwallet：andsubstitutesthefacsimileforit。ThenshelistensforthereturnofAugustus。Acrashisheard，asoftheclerkfallingdownstairs。
Augustusreturnsandisabouttoclosethedoorwhenthevoiceoftheclerkisheardfrombelow。
THECLERK。I’llhavethelawofyouforthis，Iwill。
AUGUSTUS[shoutingdowntohim]。There’snomorelawforyou，youscoundrel。You’reasoldiernow。[Heshutsthedoorandcomestothelady。]Thankheaven，thewarhasgivenustheupperhandofthesefellowsatlast。Excusemyviolence；butdisciplineisabsolutelynecessaryindealingwiththelowermiddleclasses。
THELADY。Servetheinsolentcreatureright！LookIhavefoundyouabeautifulenvelopeforthelist，anunmistakablelady’senvelope。[Sheputstheshamlistintoherenvelopeandhandsittohim。]
AUGUSTUS。Excellent。Reallyverycleverofyou。[Slyly。]Come：
wouldyouliketohaveapeepatthelist[beginningtotaketheblankpaperfromtheenvelope]？
THELADY[onthebrinkofdetection]。Nono。Oh，please，no。
AUGUSTUS。Why？Itwon’tbiteyou[drawingitoutfurther。]
THELADY[snatchingathishand]。Stop。Remember：ifthereshouldbeaninquiry，youmustbeabletoswearthatyounevershowedthatlisttoamortalsoul。
AUGUSTUS。Oh，thatisamereform。Ifyouarereallycurious——
THELADY。Iamnot。Icouldn’tbeartolookatit。Oneofmydearestfriendswasblowntopiecesbyanaircraftgun；andsincethenIhaveneverbeenabletothinkofonewithouthorror。
AUGUSTUS。Youmeanitwasarealgun，andactuallywentoff。Howsad！howsad！[Hepushestheshamlistbackintotheenvelope，andpocketsit。]
THELADY。Ah！[Greatsighofrelief]。Andnow，LordAugustus，I
havetakenuptoomuchofyourvaluabletime。Goodbye。
AUGUSTUS。What！Mustyougo？
THELADY。Youaresobusy。
AUGUSTUS。Yes；butnotbeforelunch，youknow。Inevercandomuchbeforelunch。AndI’mnogoodatallintheafternoon。Fromfivetosixismyrealworkingtime。Mustyoureallygo？
THELADY。Imust，really。Ihavedonemybusinessverysatisfactorily。Thankyoueversomuch[sheproffersherhand]。
AUGUSTUS[shakingitaffectionatelyasheleadshertothedoor，butfastpressingthebellbuttonwithhislefthand]。Goodbye。
Goodbye。Sosorrytoloseyou。Kindofyoutocome；buttherewasnorealdanger。Yousee，mydearlittlelady，allthistalkaboutwarsaving，andsecrecy，andkeepingtheblindsdownatnight，andsoforth，isallverywell；butunlessit’scarriedoutwithintelligence，believeme，youmaywasteapoundtosaveapenny；
youmayletoutallsortsofsecretstotheenemy；youmayguidetheZeppelinsrightontoyourownchimneys。That’swheretheabilityofthegoverningclasscomesin。Shallthefellowcallataxiforyou？
THELADY。No，thanks：Ipreferwalking。Goodbye。Again，many，manythanks。
Shegoesout。Augustusreturnstothewriting—tablesmiling，andtakesanotherlookathimselfinthemirror。Theclerkreturns，withhisheadbandaged，carryingapoker。
THECLERK。Whatdidyouringfor？[Augustushastilydropsthemirror]。Don’tyoucomenighmeorI’llsplityourheadwiththispoker，thickasitis。
AUGUSTUS。Itdoesnotseemtomeanexceptionallythickpoker。I
rangforyoutoshowtheladyout。
THECLERK。She’sgone。Sherunoutlikearabbit。Iaskmyselfwhywassheinsuchahurry？
THELADY’SVOICE[fromthestreet]。LordAugustus。LordAugustus。
THECLERK。She’scallingyou。
AUGUSTUS[runningtothewindowandthrowingitup]。Whatisit？
Won’tyoucomeup？
THELADY。Istheclerkthere？
AUGUSTUS。Yes。Doyouwanthim？
THELADY。Yes。
AUGUSTUS。Theladywantsyouatthewindow。
THECLERK[rushingtothewindowandputtingdownthepoker]。
Yes，ma’am？HereIam，ma’am。Whatisit，ma’am？
THELADY。IwantyoutowitnessthatIgotcleanawayintothestreet。Iamcomingupnow。
Thetwomenstareatoneanother。
THECLERK。Wantsmetowitnessthatshegotcleanawayintothestreet！
AUGUSTUS。Whatonearthdoesshemean？
Theladyreturns。
THELADY。MayIuseyourtelephone？
AUGUSTUS。Certainly。Certainly。[Takingthereceiverdown。]WhatnumbershallIgetyou？
THELADY。TheWarOffice，please。
AUGUSTUS。TheWarOffice！？
THELADY。Ifyouwillbesogood。
AUGUSTUS。But——Oh，verywell。[Intothereceiver。]Hallo。ThisistheTownHallRecruitingOffice。GivemeColonelBogey，sharp。
Apause。
THECLERK[breakingthepainfulsilence]。Idon’tthinkI’mawake。Thisisadreamofamoviepicture，thisis。
AUGUSTUS[hisearatthereceiver]。Shutup，willyou？[Intothetelephone。]What？……[Tothelady。]Whomdoyouwanttogetonto？
THELADY。Blueloo。
AUGUSTUS[intothetelephone]。PutmethroughtoLordHungerfordHighcastle……I’mhisbrother，idiot……Thatyou，Blueloo？LadyhereatLittlePifflingtonwantstospeaktoyou。Holdtheline。
[Tothelady。]Now，madam[hehandsherthereceiver]。
THELADY[sittingdowninAugustus’schairtospeakintothetelephone]。IsthatBlueloo？……Doyourecognizemyvoice？……I’vewonourbet……
AUGUSTUS。Yourbet！
THELADY[intothetelephone]。Yes：Ihavethelistinmywallet……
AUGUSTUS。Nothingofthekind，madam。Ihaveithereinmypocket。[Hetakestheenvelopefromhispocket：drawsoutthepaper：andunfoldsit。]
THELADY[continuing]。Yes：Igotcleanintothestreetwithit。
Ihaveawitness。IcouldhavegottoLondonwithit。Augustuswon’tdenyit……
AUGUSTUS[contemplatingtheblankpaper]。There’snothingwrittenonthis。Whereisthelistofguns？
THELADY[continuing]。Oh，itwasquiteeasy。IsaidIwasmysister—in—lawandthatIwasaHun。Helappedituplikeakitten……
AUGUSTUS。Youdon’tmeantosaythat——
THELADY[continuing]。Igotholdofthelistforamomentandchangeditforapieceofpaperoutofhisstationeryrack：itwasquiteeasy[shelaughs：anditisclearthatBluelooislaughingtoo]。
AUGUSTUS。What！
THECLERK[laughingslowlyandlaboriously，withintenseenjoyment]。Haha！Hahaha！Ha！[Augustusrushesathim；hesnatchesupthepokerandstandsonguard。]Noyoudon’t。
THELADY[stillatthetelephone，wavingherdisengagedhandbehindherimpatientlyatthemtostopmakinganoise]。Sh—sh—sh—
sh—sh！！！[Augustus，withashrug，goesupthemiddleoftheroom。
Theladyresumesherconversationwiththetelephone。]What？……Ohyes：I’mcomingupbythe1。35：whynothaveteawithmeatRumpelmeister’s？……Rum—pel—meister’s。Youknow：theycallitRobinson’snow……Right。Tata。[Shehangsupthereceiver，andispassingroundthetableonherwaytowardsthedoorwhensheisconfrontedbyAugustus。]
AUGUSTUS。Madam，Iconsideryourconductmostunpatriotic。Youmakebetsandabusetheconfidenceofthehardworkedofficialswhoaredoingtheirbitfortheircountrywhilstourgallantfellowsareperishinginthetrenches——
THELADY。Oh，thegallantfellowsarenotallinthetrenches，Augustus。Someofthemhavecomehomeforafewdays’hard—earnedleave；andIamsureyouwon’tgrudgethemalittlefunatyourexpense。
THECLERK。Hear！hear！
AUGUSTUS[amiably]。Ah，well！Formycountry’ssake——！
