EverymanwhohashadhisGermantutor，andhasbeencoachedthroughthefamous“Faust“ofGoethe(thouwertmyinstructor，goodoldWeissenborn，andtheseeyesbeheldthegreatmasterhimselfindearlittleWeimartown！)hasreadthosecharmingverseswhichareprefixedtothedrama，inwhichthepoetrevertstothetimewhenhisworkwasfirstcomposed，andrecallsthefriendsnowdeparted，whooncelistenedtohissong。Thedearshadowsriseuparoundhim，hesays；helivesinthepastagain。Itisto-daywhichappearsvagueandvisionary。WehumblerwriterscannotcreateFausts，orraiseupmonumentalworksthatshallendureforallages；butourbooksarediaries，inwhichourownfeelingsmustofnecessitybesetdown。Aswelooktothepagewrittenlastmonth，ortenyearsago，werememberthedayanditsevents；thechildill，mayhap，intheadjoiningroom，andthedoubtsandfearswhichrackedthebrainasitstillpursueditswork；thedearoldfriendwhoreadthecommencementofthetale，andwhosegentlehandshallbelaidinoursnomore。Iownformypartthat，inreadingpageswhichthishandpennedformerly，Ioftenlosesightofthetextundermyeyes。
ItisnotthewordsIsee；butthatpastday；thatbygonepageoflife\'shistory；thattragedy，comedyitmaybe，whichourlittlehomecompanywasenacting；thatmerry-makingwhichweshared；thatfuneralwhichwefollowed；thatbitter，bittergriefwhichweburied。
And，suchbeingthestateofmymind，Ipraygentlereaderstodealkindlywiththeirhumbleservant\'smanifoldshortcomings，blunders，andslipsofmemory。AssureasIreadapageofmyowncomposition，Ifindafaultortwo，halfadozen。JonesiscalledBrown。Brown，whoisdead，isbroughttolife。Aghast，andmonthsafterthenumberwasprinted，IsawthatIhadcalledPhilipFirmin，CliveNewcome。NowCliveNewcomeistheheroofanotherstorybythereader\'smostobedientwriter。Thetwomenareasdifferent，inmymind\'seye，as——asLordPalmerstonandMr。Disraeliletussay。Butthereisthatblunderatpage990，line76，volume84oftheCornhillMagazine，anditispastmending；andIwishinmylifeI
hadmadenoworseblundersorerrorsthanthatwhichisherebyacknowledged。
AnotherFiniswritten。Anothermile-stonepassedonthisjourneyfrombirthtothenextworld！Sureitisasubjectforsolemncogitation。Shallwecontinuethisstory-tellingbusinessandbevolubletotheendofourage?Willitnotbepresentlytime，O
prattler，toholdyourtongue，andletyoungerpeoplespeak?Ihaveafriend，apainter，who，likeotherpersonswhoshallbenameless，isgrowingold。Hehasneverpaintedwithsuchlaboriousfinishashisworksnowshow。Thismasterisstillthemosthumbleanddiligentofscholars。OfArt，hismistress，heisalwaysaneager，reverentpupil。Inhiscalling，inyours，inmine，industryandhumilitywillhelpandcomfortus。Awordwithyou。InaprettylargeexperienceIhavenotfoundthemenwhowritebookssuperiorinwitorlearningtothosewhodon\'twriteatall。Inregardofmereinformation，non-writersmustoftenbesuperiortowriters。
Youdon\'texpectalawyerinfullpracticetobeconversantwithallkindsofliterature；heistoobusywithhislaw；andsoawriteriscommonlytoobusywithhisownbookstobeabletobestowattentionontheworksofotherpeople。Afteraday\'swork(inwhichIhavebeendepicting，letussay，theagoniesofLouisaonpartingwiththeCaptain，ortheatrociousbehaviorofthewickedMarquistoLadyEmily)ImarchtotheClub，proposingtoimprovemymindandkeepmyself“postedup，“astheAmericansphraseit，withtheliteratureoftheday。Andwhathappens?Given，awalkafterluncheon，apleasingbook，andamostcomfortablearmchairbythefire，andyouknowtherest。Adozeensues。Pleasingbookdropssuddenly，ispickeduponcewithanairofsomeconfusion，islaidpresentlysoftlyinlap:headfallsoncomfortablearm-chaircushion:eyesclose:softnasalmusicisheard。AmItellingClubsecrets?Ofafternoons，afterlunch，Isay，scoresofsensiblefogieshaveadoze。PerhapsIhavefallenasleepoverthatverybooktowhich“Finis“hasjustbeenwritten。“Andifthewritersleeps，whathappenstothereaders?“saysJones，comingdownuponmewithhislightningwit。What?YouDIDsleepoverit?Andaverygoodthingtoo。Theseeyeshavemorethanonceseenafrienddozingoverpageswhichthishandhaswritten。Thereisavignettesomewhereinoneofmybooksofafriendsocaughtnappingwith“Pendennis，“orthe“Newcomes，“inhislapandifawritercangiveyouasweetsoothing，harmlesssleep，hashenotdoneyouakindness?Soistheauthorwhoexcitesandinterestsyouworthyofyourthanksandbenedictions。Iamtroubledwithfeverandague，thatseizesmeatoddintervalsandprostratesmeforaday。Thereiscoldfit，forwhich，Iamthankfultosay，hotbrandy-and-waterisprescribed，andthisinduceshotfit，andsoon。InoneortwoofthesefitsIhavereadnovelswiththemostfearfulcontentmentofmind。Once，ontheMississippi，itwasmydearlybeloved“JacobFaithful:“onceatFrankfortO。M。，thedelightful“VingtAnsApres“ofMonsieurDumas:
onceatTunbridgewells，thethrilling“WomaninWhite:“andthesebooksgavemeamusementfrommorningtillsunset。Irememberthoseaguefitswithagreatdealofpleasureandgratitude。Thinkofawholedayinbed，andagoodnovelforacompanion！Nocares:noremorseaboutidleness:novisitors:andtheWomaninWhiteortheChevalierd\'Artagnantotellmestoriesfromdawntonight！“
Please，ma\'am，mymaster\'scompliments，andcanhehavethethirdvolume?“(Thismessagewassenttoanastonishedfriendandneighborwholentme，volumebyvolume，theW。inW。)Howdoyoulikeyournovels?Ilikeminestrong，“hotwith，“andnomistake:
nolove-making:noobservationsaboutsociety:littledialogue，exceptwherethecharactersarebullyingeachother:plentyoffighting:andavillaininthecupboard，whoistosuffertorturesjustbeforeFinis。Idon\'tlikeyourmelancholyFinis。Ineverreadthehistoryofaconsumptiveheroinetwice。IfImightgiveashorthinttoanimpartialwriter(astheExaminerusedtosayinolddays)，itwouldbetoact，NOTalamodelepaysdePole(I
thinkthatwasthephraseology)，butALWAYStogivequarter。InthestoryofPhilip，justcometoanend，Ihavethepermissionoftheauthortostate，thathewasgoingtodrownthetwovillainsofthepiece——acertainDoctorF——andacertainMr。T。H——onboardthe“President，“orsomeothertragicship——butyouseeIrelented。
IpicturedtomyselfFirmin\'sghastlyfaceamidthecrowdofshudderingpeopleonthatreelingdeckinthelonelyocean，andthought，“Thoughastlylyingwretch，thoushaltnotbedrowned:thoushalthaveafeveronly；aknowledgeofthydanger；andachance——
eversosmallachance——ofrepentance。”IwonderwhetherheDID
repentwhenhefoundhimselfintheyellow-fever，inVirginia?Theprobabilityis，hefanciedthathissonhadinjuredhimverymuch，andforgavehimonhisdeath-bed。Doyouimaginethereisagreatdealofgenuineright-downremorseintheworld?Don\'tpeopleratherfindexcuseswhichmaketheirmindseasy；endeavortoprovetothemselvesthattheyhavebeenlamentablybeliedandmisunderstood；andtryandforgivethepersecutorswhoWILLpresentthatbillwhenitisdue；andnotbearmaliceagainstthecruelruffianwhotakesthemtothepolice-officeforstealingthespoons?
YearsagoIhadaquarrelwithacertainwell-knownperson(I
believedastatementregardinghimwhichhisfriendsimpartedtome，andwhichturnedouttobequiteincorrect)。Tohisdyingdaythatquarrelwasneverquitemadeup。Isaidtohisbrother，“Whyisyourbrother\'ssoulstilldarkagainstme?ItisIwhooughttobeangryandunforgiving:forIwasinthewrong。”Intheregionwhichtheynowinhabit(forFinishasbeensettothevolumesofthelivesofbothherebelow)，iftheytakeanycognizanceofoursquabbles，andtittle-tattles，andgossipsonearthhere，Ihopetheyadmitthatmylittleerrorwasnotofanatureunpardonable。Ifyouhavenevercommittedaworse，mygoodsir，surelythescoreagainstyouwillnotbeheavy。Ha，dilectissimifratres！ItisinregardofsinsNOTfoundoutthatwemaysayorsing(inanundertone，inamostpenitentandlugubriousminorkey)，Misererenobismiserispeccatoribus。
Amongthesinsofcommissionwhichnovel-writersnotseldomperpetrate，isthesinofgrandiloquence，ortall-talking，againstwhich，formypart，Iwillofferupaspecialliberame。Thisisthesinofschoolmasters，governesses，critics，sermoners，andinstructorsofyoungoroldpeople。Nay(forIammakingacleanbreast，andliberatingmysoul)，perhapsofallthenovel-spinnersnowextant，thepresentspeakeristhemostaddictedtopreaching。
Doeshenotstopperpetuallyinhisstoryandbegintopreachtoyou?Whenheoughttobeengagedwithbusiness，ishenotforevertakingtheMusebythesleeve，andplaguingherwithsomeofhiscynicalsermons?Icrypeccaviloudlyandheartily。ItellyouI
wouldliketobeabletowriteastorywhichshouldshownoegotismwhatever——inwhichthereshouldbenoreflections，nocynicism，novulgarity(andsoforth)，butanincidentineveryotherpage，avillain，abattle，amysteryineverychapter。Ishouldliketobeabletofeedareadersospicilyastoleavehimhungeringandthirstingformoreattheendofeverymonthlymeal。
AlexandreDumasdescribeshimself，wheninventingtheplanofawork，aslyingsilentonhisbackfortwowholedaysonthedeckofayachtinaMediterraneanport。Attheendofthetwodayshearoseandcalledfordinner。Inthosetwodayshehadbuilthisplot。Hehadmouldedamightyclay，tobecastpresentlyinperennialbrass。Thechapters，thecharacters，theincidents，thecombinationswereallarrangedintheartist\'sbrainerehesetapentopaper。MyPegasuswon\'tfly，soastoletmesurveythefieldbelowme。Hehasnowings，heisblindofoneeyecertainly，heisrestive，stubborn，slow；cropsahedgewhenheoughttobegalloping，orgallopswhenheoughttobequiet。HeneverwillshowoffwhenIwanthim。Sometimeshegoesatapacewhichsurprisesme。Sometimes，whenImostwishhimtomaketherunning，thebruteturnsrestive，andIamobligedtolethimtakehisowntime。I
wonderdoothernovel-writersexperiencethisfatalism?TheyMUST
goacertainway，inspiteofthemselves。Ihavebeensurprisedattheobservationsmadebysomeofmycharacters。ItseemsasifanoccultPowerwasmovingthepen。Thepersonagedoesorsayssomething，andIask，howthedickensdidhecometothinkofthat?
Everymanhasremarkedindreams，thevastdramaticpowerwhichissometimesevinced；Iwon\'tsaythesurprisingpower，fornothingdoessurpriseyouindreams。Butthosestrangecharactersyoumeetmakeinstantobservationsofwhichyounevercanhavethoughtpreviously。Inlikemanner，theimaginationforetellsthings。Wespakeanonoftheinflatedstyleofsomewriters。WhatalsoifthereisanAFFLATEDstyle，——whenawriterislikeaPythonessonheroracletripod，andmightywords，wordswhichhecannothelp，comeblowing，andbellowing，andwhistling，andmoaningthroughthespeakingpipesofhisbodilyorgan?Ihavetoldyouitwasaveryqueershocktometheotherdaywhen，withaletterofintroductioninhishand，theartist\'s(notmy)PhilipFirminwalkedintothisroom，andsatdowninthechairopposite。Inthenovelof“Pendennis，“writtentenyearsago，thereisanaccountofacertainCostigan，whomIhadinvented(asIsupposeauthorsinventtheirpersonagesoutofscraps，heel-taps，oddsandendsofcharacters)。
Iwassmokinginatavernparloronenight——andthisCostigancameintotheroomalive——theveryman:——themostremarkableresemblanceoftheprintedsketchesoftheman，oftherudedrawingsinwhichI
haddepictedhim。Hehadthesamelittlecoat，thesamebatteredhat，cockedononeeye，thesametwinkleinthateye。“Sir，“saidI，knowinghimtobeanoldfriendwhomIhadmetinunknownregions，“sir，“Isaid，“mayIofferyouaglassofbrandy-and-
water?““Bedad，yemay，“sayshe，“andI\'llsingyeasongtu。”OfcoursehespokewithanIrishbrogue。Ofcoursehehadbeeninthearmy。IntenminuteshepulledoutanArmyAgent\'saccount，whereonhisnamewaswritten。Afewmonthsafterwereadofhiminapolicecourt。HowhadIcometoknowhim，todivinehim?NothingshallconvincemethatIhavenotseenthatmanintheworldofspirits。
IntheworldofspiritsandwaterIknowIdid:butthatisamerequibbleofwords。IwasnotsurprisedwhenhespokeinanIrishbrogue。Ihadhadcognizanceofhimbeforesomehow。Whohasnotfeltthatlittleshockwhichariseswhenaperson，aplace，somewordsinabook(thereisalwaysacollocation)presentthemselvestoyou，andyouknowthatyouhavebeforemetthesameperson，words，scene，andsoforth?
TheyusedtocallthegoodSirWalterthe“WizardoftheNorth。”
WhatifsomewritershouldappearwhocanwritesoENCHANTINGLYthatheshallbeabletocallintoactuallifethepeoplewhomheinvents?WhatifMignon，andMargaret，andGoetzvonBerlichingenarealivenow(thoughIdon\'tsaytheyarevisible)，andDugaldDalgettyandIvanhoeweretostepinatthatopenwindowbythelittlegardenyonder?SupposeUncasandournobleoldLeatherStockingweretoglidesilentin?SupposeAthos，Porthos，andAramisshouldenterwithanoiselessswagger，curlingtheirmoustaches?AnddearestAmeliaBooth，onUncleToby\'sarm；andTittlebatTitmouse，withhishairdyedgreen；andalltheCrummlescompanyofcomedians，withtheGilBlastroop；andSirRogerdeCoverley；andthegreatestofallcrazygentlemen，theKnightofLaMancha，withhisblessedsquire?Isaytoyou，Ilookratherwistfullytowardsthewindow，musinguponthesepeople。Wereanyofthemtoenter，IthinkIshouldnotbeverymuchfrightened。Dearoldfriends，whatpleasanthoursIhavehadwiththem！Wedonotseeeachotherveryoften，butwhenwedo，weareeverhappytomeet。Ihadacapitalhalf-hourwithJacobFaithfullastnight；
whenthelastsheetwascorrected，when“Finis“hadbeenwritten，andtheprinter\'sboy，withthecopy，wassafeinGreenArborCourt。
Soyouaregone，littleprinter\'sboy，withthelastscratchesandcorrectionsontheproof，andafineflourishbywayofFinisatthestory\'send。Thelastcorrections?Isaythoselastcorrectionsseemnevertobefinished。Aplagueupontheweeds！Everyday，whenIwalkinmyownlittleliterarygarden-plot，Ispysome，andshouldliketohaveaspud，androotthemout。Thoseidlewords，neighbor，arepastremedy。Thatturningbacktotheoldpagesproducesanythingbutelationofmind。Wouldyounotpayaprettyfinetobeabletocancelsomeofthem?Oh，thesadoldpages，thedulloldpages！Oh，thecares，theennui，thesquabbles，therepetitions，theoldconversationsoverandoveragain！Butnowandagainakindthoughtisrecalled，andnowandagainadearmemory。
Yetafewchaptersmore，andthenthelast:afterwhich，beholdFinisitselfcometoanend，andtheInfinitebegun。
ONAPEALOFBELLS。
Assomebellsinachurchhardbyaremakingagreatholidayclanginginthesummerafternoon，IamremindedsomehowofaJulyday，agarden，andagreatclangingofbellsyearsandyearsago，ontheverydaywhenGeorgeIV。wascrowned。Irememberalittleboylyinginthatgardenreadinghisfirstnovel。Itwascalledthe“ScottishChiefs。”Thelittleboy(whoisnowancientandnotlittle)readthisbookinthesummer-houseofhisgreatgrandmamma。
Shewaseightyyearsofagethen。Amostlovelyandpicturesqueoldlady，withalongtortoise-shellcane，withalittlepuff，ortour，ofsnow-white(orwasitpowdered?)hairunderhercap，withtheprettiestlittleblack-velvetslippersandhighheelsyoueversaw。
Shehadagrandson，alieutenantinthenavy；sonofherson，acaptaininthenavy；grandsonofherhusband，acaptaininthenavy。
ShelivedforscoresandscoresofyearsinadearlittleoldHampshiretowninhabitedbythewives，widows，daughtersofnavycaptains，admirals，lieutenants。Dearme！Don\'tIrememberMrs。
Duval，widowofAdmiralDuval；andtheMissDennets，attheGreatHouseattheotherendofthetown，AdmiralDennet\'sdaughters；andtheMissBarrys，thelateCaptainBarry\'sdaughters；andthegoodoldMissMaskews，AdmiralMaskew\'sdaughter；andthatdearlittleMissNorval，andthekindMissBookers，oneofwhommarriedCaptain，nowAdmiralSirHenryExcellent，K。C。B。?Far，farawayintothepastIlookandseethelittletownwithitsfriendlyglimmer。ThattownwassolikeanovelofMissAusten\'sthatIwonderwasshebornandbredthere?No，weshouldhaveknown，andthegoodoldladieswouldhavepronouncedhertobealittleidlething，occupiedwithhersillybooksandneglectingherhousekeeping。TherewereothertownsinEngland，nodoubt，wheredweltthewidowsandwivesofothernavycaptains；wheretheytattled，lovedeachother，andquarrelled；talkedaboutBettythemaid，andherfineribbonsindeed！tooktheirdishofteaatsix，playedatquadrilleeverynighttillten，whentherewasalittlebitofsupper，afterwhichBettycamewiththelanthorn；andnextdaycame，andnext，andnext，andsoforth，untiladayarrivedwhenthelanthornwasout，whenBettycamenomore:allthatlittlecompanysanktorestunderthedaisies，whithersomefolkswillpresentlyfollowthem。Howdidtheylivetobesoold，thosegoodpeople?Moiquivousparle，I
perfectlyrecollectoldMr。Gilbert，whohadbeentoseawithCaptainCook；andCaptainCook，asyoujustlyobserve，dearMiss，quotingoutofyour“Mangnall\'sQuestions，“wasmurderedbythenativesofOwhyhee，anno1779。Ah！don\'tyourememberhispicture，standingontheseashore，intightsandgaiters，withamusketinhishand，pointingtohispeoplenottofirefromtheboats，whilstagreattattooedsavageisgoingtostabhimintheback?Don\'tyourememberthosehourisdancingbeforehimandtheotherofficersatthegreatOtaheiteball?Don\'tyouknowthatCookwasatthesiegeofQuebec，withthegloriousWolfe，whofoughtundertheDukeofCumberland，whoseroyalfatherwasadistinguishedofficeratRamillies，beforehecommandedinchiefatDettingen?Huzza！Giveitthem，mylads！Myhorseisdown?ThenIknowIshallnotrunaway。DotheFrenchrun?thenIdiecontent。Stop。Wo！Quomerapis?MyPegasusisgallopingoff，goodnessknowswhere，likehisMajesty\'schargeratDettingen。
Howdotheserichhistoricalandpersonalreminiscencescomeoutofthesubjectatpresentinhand?WhatISthatsubject，bytheway?
Mydearfriend，ifyoulookatthelastessaykin(thoughyoumayleaveitalone，andIshallnotbeintheleastsurprisedoroffended)，ifyoulookatthelastpaper，wherethewriterimaginesAthosandPorthos，DalgettyandIvanhoe，AmeliaandSirCharlesGrandison，DonQuixoteandSirRoger，walkinginatthegarden-
window，youwillatonceperceivethatNOVELSandtheirheroesandheroinesareourpresentsubjectofdiscourse，intowhichwewillpresentlyplunge。Areyouoneofus，dearsir，anddoyoulovenovel-reading?Toberemindedofyourfirstnovelwillsurelybeapleasuretoyou。Hush！Ineverreadquitetotheendofmyfirst，the“ScottishChiefs。”Icouldn\'t。Ipeepedinanalarmedfurtivemanneratsomeoftheclosingpages。MissPorter，likeakinddeartender-heartedcreature，wouldnothaveWallace\'sheadchoppedoffattheendofVol。V。Shemadehimdieinprison，*andifI
rememberright(protestingIhavenotreadthebookforforty-twoorthreeyears)，RobertBrucemadeaspeechtohissoldiers，inwhichhesaid，“AndBannockburnshallequalCambuskenneth。”**ButI
repeatIcouldnotreadtheendofthefifthvolumeofthatdeardelightfulbookforcrying。Goodheavens！Itwasassad，assadasgoingbacktoschool。
*Ifind，onreferencetothenovel，thatSirWilliamdiedonthescaffold，notinprison。Hislastwordswere，“\'Myprayerisheard。
Life\'scordiscutbyheaven。Helen！Helen！Mayheavenpreservemycountry，and——\'Hestopped。Hefell。Andwiththatmightyshockthescaffoldshooktoitsfoundations。”
**TheremarkofBruce(whichIprotestIhadnotreadforforty-twoyears)，Ifindtobeasfollows:——“WhenthiswasutteredbytheEnglishheralds，BruceturnedtoRuthven，withanheroicsmile，\'Lethimcome，mybravebarons！andheshallfindthatBannockburnshallpagewithCambuskenneth！\'“Inthesameamiableauthor\'sfamousnovelof“ThaddeusofWarsaw，“thereismorecryingthaninanynovelIeverremembertohaveread。See，forexample，thelastpage……“Incapableofspeaking，Thaddeusledhiswifebacktohercarriage……Histearsgushedoutinspiteofhimself，andminglingwithhers，pouredthosethanks，thoseassurances，ofanimatedapprobationthroughherheart，whichmadeitevenachewithexcessofhappiness。”……Andasentenceortwofurther。
“Kosciuskodidblesshim，andembalmedthebenedictionwithashoweroftears。”
ThegloriousScottcycleofromancescametomesomefourorfiveyearsafterwards；andIthinkboysofouryearwerespeciallyfortunateincominguponthosedelightfulbooksatthatspecialtimewhenwecouldbestenjoythem。Oh，thatsunshinybenchonhalf-
holidays，withClaverhouseorIvanhoeforacompanion！IhaveremarkedofverylatedayssomelittlemeninagreatstateofdelectationovertheromancesofCaptainMayneReid，andGustaveAimard\'sPrairieandIndianStories，andduringoccasionalholidayvisits，lurkingofftobedwiththevolumeundertheirarms。ButarethoseIndiansandwarriorssoterribleasourIndiansandwarriorswere?(Isay，arethey?Younggentlemen，mind，Idonotsaytheyarenot。)ButasanoldsterIcanbeheartilythankfulforthenovelsofthe1-10Geo。IV。，letussay，andsodownwardtoaperiodnotunremote。Letusseethereis，first，ourdearScott。
WhomdoIloveintheworksofthatdearoldmaster?Amo——
TheBaronofBradwardineandFergus。(CaptainWaverleyiscertainlyverymild。)
AmoIvanhoe；LOCKSLEY；theTemplar。
AmoQuentinDurward，andespeciallyQuentin\'suncle，whobroughttheboartobay。Iforgetthegentleman\'sname。
IhavenevercaredfortheMasterofRavenswood，orfetchedhishatoutofthewatersincehedroppedittherewhenIlastmethim(circa1825)。
AmoSALADINandtheScotchknightinthe“Talisman。”TheSultanbest。
AmoCLAVERHOUSE。
AmoMAJORDALGETTY。DelightfulMajor。Tothinkofhimistodesiretojumpup，runtothebook，andgetthevolumedownfromtheshelf。
AboutallthoseheroesofScott，whatamanlybloomthereis，andhonorablemodesty！Theyarenotatallheroic。Theyseemtoblushsomehowintheirpositionofhero，andasitweretosay，“Sinceitmustbedone，heregoes！“Theyarehandsome，modest，upright，simple，courageous，nottooclever。IfIwereamother(whichisabsurd)，Ishouldliketobemother-in-lawtoseveralyoungmenoftheWalter-Scott-herosort。
MuchasIlikethosemostunassuming，manly，unpretendinggentlemen，IhavetoownthatIthinktheheroesofanotherwriter，viz——
LEATHER-STOCKING，UNCAS，HARDHEART，TOMCOFFIN，arequitetheequalsofScott\'smen；perhapsLeather-stockingisbetterthananyonein“Scott\'slot。”LaLongueCarabineisoneofthegreatprize-menoffiction。HerankswithyourUncleToby，SirRogerdeCoverley，Falstaff——heroicfigures，all——AmericanorBritish，andtheartisthasdeservedwellofhiscountrywhodevisedthem。
Atschool，inmytime，therewasapublicday，whentheboys\'
relatives，anexaminingbigwigortwofromtheuniversities，oldschoolfellows，andsoforth，cametotheplace。Theboyswereallparaded；prizeswereadministered；eachladbeinginanewsuitofclothes——andmagnificentdandies，Ipromiseyou，someofuswere。
Oh，thechubbycheeks，cleancollars，glossynewraiment，beamingfaces，gloriousinyouth——fittuericoelum——brightwithtruth，andmirth，andhonor！Toseeahundredboysmarshalledinachapeloroldhall；toheartheirsweetfreshvoiceswhentheychant，andlookintheirbravecalmfaces；Isay，doesnotthesightandsoundofthemsmiteyou，somehow，withapangofexquisitekindness?……
Well。Asaboutboys，soaboutNovelists。IfancytheboysofParnassusSchoolallparaded。Iamalowerboymyselfinthatacademy。Ilikeourfellowstolookwell，upright，gentlemanlike。
ThereisMasterFielding——hewiththeblackeye。Whatamagnificentbuildofaboy！ThereisMasterScott，oneoftheheadsoftheschool。Didyoueverseethefellowmoreheartyandmanly?Yonderlean，shambling，cadaverouslad，whoisalwaysborrowingmoney，tellinglies，leeringafterthehouse-maids，isMasterLaurenceSterne——abishop\'sgrandson，andhimselfintendedfortheChurch；
forshame，youlittlereprobate！Butwhatageniusthefellowhas！
Lethimhaveasoundflogging，andassoonastheyoungscampisoutofthewhipping-roomgivehimagoldmedal。SuchwouldbemypracticeifIwereDoctorBirch，andmasteroftheschool。
Letusdropthisschoolmetaphor，thisbirchandallpertainingthereto。Oursubject，Ibegleavetoremindthereader\'shumbleservant，isnovelheroesandheroines。Howdoyoulikeyourheroes，ladies?Gentlemen，whatnovelheroinesdoyouprefer?WhenIsetthisessaygoing，Isenttheabovequestiontotwoofthemostinveteratenovel-readersofmyacquaintance。ThegentlemanrefersmetoMissAusten；theladysaysAthos，GuyLivingston，and(pardonmyrosyblushes)ColonelEsmond，andownsthatinyouthshewasverymuchinlovewithValancourt。
“Valancourt?andwhowashe?“crytheyoungpeople。Valancourt，mydears，wastheheroofoneofthemostfamousromanceswhicheverwaspublishedinthiscountry。ThebeautyandeleganceofValancourtmadeyouryounggrandmammas\'gentleheartstobeatwithrespectfulsympathy。Heandhisgloryhavepassedaway。Ah，woeismethatthegloryofnovelsshouldeverdecay；thatdustshouldgatherroundthemontheshelves；thattheannualchequesfromMessieursthepublishersshoulddwindle，dwindle！InquireatMudie\'s，ortheLondonLibrary，whoasksforthe“MysteriesofUdolpho“now?Havenoteventhe“MysteriesofParis“ceasedtofrighten?Alas，ournovelsarebutforaseason；andIknowcharacterswhomapainfulmodestyforbidsmetomention，whoshallgotolimboalongwith“Valancourt“and“Doricourt“and“ThaddeusofWarsaw。”
Adearoldsentimentalfriend，withwhomIdiscoursedonthesubjectofnovelsyesterday，saidthatherfavoriteherowasLordOrville，in“Evelina，“thatnovelwhichDr。Johnsonlovedso。Itookdownthebookfromadustyoldcryptataclub，whereMrs。Barbauld\'snovelistsrepose:andthisisthekindofthing，ladiesandgentlemen，inwhichyourancestorsfoundpleasure:——
“Andhere，whilstIwaslookingforthebooks，IwasfollowedbyLordOrville。Heshutthedoorafterhecamein，and，approachingmewithalookofanxiety，said，\'Isthistrue，MissAnville——areyougoing?\'
“\'Ibelieveso，mylord，\'saidI，stilllookingforthebooks。
“\'Sosuddenly，sounexpectedly:mustIloseyou?\'
“\'Nogreatloss，mylord，\'saidI，endeavoringtospeakcheerfully。
“\'Isitpossible，\'saidhe，gravely，\'MissAnvillecandoubtmysincerity?\'
“\'Ican\'timagine，\'criedI，\'whatMrs。Selwynhasdonewiththosebooks。\'
“\'Wouldtoheaven，\'continuedhe，\'Imightflattermyselfyouwouldallowmetoproveit！\'
“\'Imustrunupstairs，\'criedI，greatlyconfused，\'andaskwhatshehasdonewiththem。\'
“\'Youaregoingthen，\'criedhe，takingmyhand，\'andyougivemenotthesmallesthopeofanyreturn！Willyounot，mytoolovelyfriend，willyounotteachme，withfortitudelikeyourown，tosupportyourabsence?\'
“\'Mylord，\'criedI，endeavoringtodisengagemyhand，\'prayletmego！\'
“\'Iwill，\'criedhe，tomyinexpressibleconfusion，droppingononeknee，\'ifyouwishmetoleaveyou。\'
“\'Oh，mylord，\'exclaimedI，\'rise，Ibeseechyou；rise。Surelyyourlordshipisnotsocruelastomockme。\'
“\'Mockyou！\'repeatedheearnestly，\'no，Irevereyou。Iesteemandadmireyouaboveallhumanbeings！Youarethefriendtowhommysoulisattached，astoitsbetterhalf。Youarethemostamiable，themostperfectofwomen；andyouaredearertomethanlanguagehasthepoweroftelling。\'
“Iattemptnottodescribemysensationsatthatmoment；Iscarcebreathed；IdoubtedifIexisted；thebloodforsookmycheeks，andmyfeetrefusedtosustainme。LordOrvillehastilyrisingsupportedmetoachairuponwhichIsankalmostlifeless。
“Icannotwritethescenethatfollowed，thougheverywordisengravenonmyheart；buthisprotestations，hisexpressions，weretooflatteringforrepetition；norwouldhe，inspiteofmyrepeatedeffortstoleavehim，suffermetoescape；inshort，mydearsir，I
wasnotproofagainsthissolicitations，andhedrewfrommethemostsacredsecretofmyheart！“*
*Contrastthisoldperfumed，powderedD\'Arblayconversationwiththepresentmoderntalk。Ifthetwoyoungpeoplewishedtohidetheiremotionsnow-a-days，andexpressthemselvesinmodestlanguage，thestorywouldrun:——
“WhilstIwaslookingforthebooks，LordOrvillecamein。Helookeduncommonlydowninthemouth，ashesaid:\'Isthistrue，MissAnville；areyougoingtocut?\'
“\'Toabsquatulate，LordOrville，\'saidI，stillpretendingthatI
waslookingforthebooks。
“\'Youareveryquickaboutit，\'saidhe。
“\'Guessit\'snogreatloss，\'Iremarked，ascheerfullyasIcould。
“\'Youdon\'tthinkI\'mchaffing?\'saidOrville，withmuchemotion。
“\'WhathasMrs。Selwyndonewiththebooks?\'Iwenton。
“\'What，going\'saidhe，\'andgoingforgood?IwishIwassuchagood-pluckedoneasyou，MissAnville，\'“&c。
Theconversation，youperceive，mightbeeasilywrittendowntothiskey；andiftheheroandheroineweremodern，theywouldnotbesufferedtogothroughtheirdialogueonstilts，butwouldconverseinthenaturalgracefulwayatpresentcustomary。Bytheway，whatastrangecustomthatisinmodernladynoveliststomakethemenbullythewomen！InthetimeofMissPorterandMadameD\'Arblay，wehaverespect，profoundbowsandcurtsies，gracefulcourtesy，frommentowomen。InthetimeofMissBronte，absoluterudeness。Isittrue，mesdames，thatyoulikerudeness，andarepleasedatbeingill-usedbymen?Icouldpointtomorethanoneladynovelistwhosorepresentsyou。
Otherpeoplemaynotmuchlikethisextract，madam，fromyourfavoritenovel，butwhenyoucometoreadit，YOUwilllikeit。I
suspectthatwhenyoureadthatbookwhichyousolove，youreaditadeux。DidyounotyourselfpassawinteratBath，whenyouwerethebelleoftheassembly?WastherenotaLordOrvilleinyourcasetoo?Asyouthinkofhimelevenlustrespassaway。Youlookathimwiththebrighteyesofthosedays，andyourherostandsbeforeyou，thebrave，theaccomplished，thesimple，thetruegentleman；andhemakesthemostelegantofbowstooneofthemostbeautifulyoungwomentheworldeversaw；andheleadsyououttothecotillon，tothedearunforgottenmusic。HarktothehornsofElfand，blowing，blowing！Bonnevieille，youremembertheirmelody，andyourheart-stringsthrillwithitstill。
Ofyourheroicheroes，IthinkourfriendMonseigneurAthos，CountdelaFere，ismyfavorite。Ihavereadabouthimfromsunrisetosunsetwiththeutmostcontentmentofmind。Hehaspassedthroughhowmanyvolumes?Forty?Fifty?Iwishformyparttherewereahundredmore，andwouldnevertireofhimresellingprisoners，punishingruffians，andrunningscoundrelsthroughthemidriffwithhismostgracefulrapier。Ah，Athos，Porthos，andAramis，youareamagnificenttrio。IthinkIliked\'Artagnaninhisownmemoirsbest。Iboughthimyearsandyearsago，pricefivepence，inalittleparchment-coveredCologne-printedvolume，atastallinGray\'sInnLane。DumasglorifieshimandmakesaMarshalofhim；ifIrememberrightly，theoriginald\'Artagnanwasaneedyadventurer，whodiedinexileveryearlyinLouisXIV。\'sreign。Didyoueverreadthe“Chevalierd\'Harmenthal?“Didyoueverreadthe“TulipeNoire，“asmodestasastorybyMissEdgeworth?IthinkoftheprodigalbanquetstowhichthisLucullusofamanhasinvitedme，withthanksandwonder。Towhataseriesofsplendidentertainmentshehastreatedme！Wheredoeshefindthemoneyfortheseprodigiousfeasts?TheysaythatalltheworksbearingDumas\'snamearenotwrittenbyhim。Well?Doesnotthechiefcookhaveaidesunderhim?DidnotRubens\'spupilspaintonhiscanvases?HadnotLawrenceassistantsforhisbackgrounds?Formyself，beingalsodumetier，IconfessIwouldoftenliketohaveacompetent，respectable，andrapidclerkforthebusinesspartofmynovels；andonhisarrival，ateleveno\'clock，wouldsay，“Mr。Jones，ifyouplease，thearchbishopmustdiethismorninginaboutfivepages。Turntoarticle\'Dropsy\'(orwhatyouwill)inEncyclopaedia。Takecaretherearenomedicalblundersinhisdeath。Grouphisdaughters，physicians，andchaplainsroundhim。InWales\'s\'London，\'letterB，thirdshelf，youwillfindanaccountofLambeth，andsomeprintsoftheplace。Colorinwithlocalcoloring。Thedaughterwillcomedown，andspeaktoherloverinhiswherryatLambethStairs，“&c。，&c。Jones(anintelligentyoungman)examinesthemedical，historical，topographicalbooksnecessary；hischiefpointsouttohiminJeremyTaylor(fol。，London，M。DCLV。)afewremarks，suchasmightbefitadearoldarchbishopdepartingthislife。WhenIcomebacktodressfordinner，thearchbishopisdeadonmytableinfivepages；medicine，topography，theology，allright，andJoneshasgonehometohisfamilysomehours。SirChristopheristhearchitectofSt。Paul\'s。Hehasnotlaidthestonesorcarriedupthemortar。
Thereisagreatdealofcarpenter\'sandjoiner\'sworkinnovelswhichsurelyasmartprofessionalhandmightsupply。Asmartprofessionalhand?Igiveyoumyword，thereseemtomepartsofnovels——letussaythelove-making，the“business，“thevillaininthecupboard，andsoforth，whichIshouldliketoorderJohnFootmantotakeinhand，asIdesirehimtobringthecoalsandpolishtheboots。AskMEindeedtopoparobberunderabed，tohideawillwhichshallbeforthcomingindueseason，oratmytimeoflifetowriteanamby-pambyloveconversationbetweenEmilyandLordArthur！Ifeelashamedofmyself，andespeciallywhenmybusinessobligesmetodothelove-passages，Iblushso，thoughquitealoneinmystudy，thatyouwouldfancyIwasgoingoffinanapoplexy。Areauthorsaffectedbytheirownworks?Idon\'tknowaboutothergentlemen，butifImakeajokemyselfIcry；ifIwriteapatheticsceneIamlaughingwildlyallthetime——atleastTomkinsthinksso。YouknowIamsuchacynic！
TheeditoroftheCornhillMagazine(nosoftandyieldingcharacterlikehispredecessor，butamanofsternresolution)willonlyallowtheseharmlesspaperstoruntoacertainlength。ButforthisvetoIshouldgladlyhaveprattledoverhalfasheetmore，andhavediscoursedonmanyheroesandheroinesofnovelswhomfondmemorybringsbacktome。OfthesebooksIhavebeenadiligentstudentfromthoseearlydays，whicharerecordedatthecommencementofthislittleessay。Oh，delightfulnovels，wellremembered！Oh，novels，sweetanddeliciousastheraspberryopen-tartsofbuddingboyhood！DoIforgetonenightafterprayers(whenweunder-boysweresenttobed)lingeringatmycupboardtoreadonelittlehalf-
pagemoreofmydearWalterScott——anddowncamethemonitor\'sdictionaryuponmyhead！Rebecca，daughterofIsaacofYork，Ihavelovedtheefaithfullyforfortyyears！Thouwerttwentyyearsold(say)andIbuttwelve，whenIknewthee。Atsixtyodd，love，mostoftheladiesofthyOrientracehavelostthebloomofyouth，andbulgedbeyondthelineofbeauty；buttomethouarteveryoungandfair，andIwilldobattlewithanyfelonTemplarwhoassailsthyfairname。
ONAPEAR-TREE。
Agraciousreadernodoubthasremarkedthatthesehumblesermonshaveforsubjectssomelittleeventwhichhappensatthepreacher\'sowngate，orwhichfallsunderhispeculiarcognizance。Once，youmayremember，wediscoursedaboutachalk-markonthedoor。ThismorningBetsy，thehousemaid，comeswithafrightenedlook，andsays，“Law，mum！there\'sthreebrickstakenoutofthegardenwall，andthebranchesbroke，andallthepearstakenoffthepear-tree！“
Poorpeacefulsuburbanpear-tree！Gaol-birdshavehoppedaboutthybranches，androbbedthemoftheirsmokyfruit。Butthosebricksremoved；thatladderevidentlyprepared，bywhichunknownmaraudersmayenteranddepartfrommylittleEnglishman\'scastle；isnotthisasubjectofthrillinginterest，andmayitnotBECONTINUEDINA
FUTURENUMBER?——thatistheterriblequestion。Suppose，havingescaladedtheouterwall，themiscreantstakeafancytostormthecastle?Well——well！wearearmed；wearenumerous；wearemenoftremendouscourage，whowilldefendourspoonswithourlives；andtherearebarrackscloseby(thankgoodness！)whence，atthenoiseofourshoutsandfiring，atleastathousandbayonetswillbristletoourrescue。
Whatsoundisyonder?Achurchbell。Imightgomyself，buthowlistentothesermon?Iamthinkingofthosethieveswhohavemadealadderofmywall，andapreyofmypear-tree。Theymaybewalkingtochurchatthismoment，neatlyshaved，incleanlinen，witheveryoutwardappearanceofvirtue。IfIwent，IknowIshouldbewatchingthecongregation，andthinking，“Isthatoneofthefellowswhocameovermywall?“If，afterthereadingoftheeighthCommandment，amansangoutwithparticularenergy，“Inclineourheartstokeepthislaw，“Ishouldthink，“Aha，MasterBasso，didyouhavepearsforbreakfastthismorning?“Crimeiswalkingroundme，thatisclear。Whoistheperpetrator?……Whatachangedaspecttheworldhas，sincetheselastfewlineswerewritten！I
havebeenwalkingroundaboutmypremises，andinconsultationwithagentlemaninasingle-breastedbluecoat，withpewterbuttons，andatapeornamentonthecollar。Hehaslookedattheholesinthewall，andtheamputatedtree。Wehaveformedourplanofdefence——
PERHAPSOFATTACK。Perhapssomedayyoumayreadinthepapers，“DARINGATTEMPTATBURGLARY——HEROICVICTORYOVERTHEVILLAINS，“&c。
&c。Rascalsasyetunknown！perhapsyou，too，mayreadthesewords，andmaybeinducedtopauseinyourfatalintention。Taketheadviceofasincerefriend，andkeepoff。Tofindamanwrithinginmyman-trap，anothermayhapimpaledinmyditch，topickoffanotherfrommytree(scoundrel！asthoughhewereapear)willgivemenopleasure；butsuchthingsmayhappen。Bewarnedintime，villains！
Or，ifyouMUSTpursueyourcallingascracksmen，havethegoodnesstotrysomeothershutters。Enough！subsideintoyourdarkness，childrenofnight！Thieves！weseeknottohaveYOUhanged——youarebutaspegswhereontohangothers。
Imayhavesaidbefore，thatifIweregoingtobehangedmyself，I
thinkIshouldtakeanaccuratenoteofmysensations，requesttostopatsomePublic-houseontheroadtoTyburnandbeprovidedwithaprivateroomandwriting-materials，andgiveanaccountofmystateofmind。Then，geeup，carter！begyourreverencetocontinueyourapposite，thoughnotnovel，remarksonmysituation；——andsowedriveuptoTyburnturnpike，whereanexpectantcrowd，theobligingsheriffs，andthedexterousandrapidMr。Ketcharealreadyinwaiting。
Anumberoflaboringpeoplearesaunteringaboutourstreetsandtakingtheirrestonthisholiday——fellowswhohavenomorestolenmypearsthantheyhaverobbedthecrownjewelsoutoftheTower——
andIsayIcannothelpthinkinginmyownmind，“Areyoutherascalwhogotovermywalllastnight?“Isthesuspicionhauntingmymindwrittenonmycountenance?Itrustnot。Whatifonemanafteranotherweretocomeuptomeandsay，“Howdareyou，sir，suspectmeinyourmindofstealingyourfruit?Gobehanged，youandyourjargonels！“Yourascalthief！itisnotmerelythree-halfp\'orthofsootyfruityourobmeof，itismypeaceofmind——myartlessinnocenceandtrustinmyfellow-creatures，mychildlikebeliefthateverythingtheysayistrue。HowcanIholdoutthehandoffriendshipinthiscondition，whenmyfirstimpressionis，“Mygoodsir，Istronglysuspectthatyouwereupmypear-treelastnight?“
Itisadreadfulstateofmind。Thecoreisblack；thedeath-
strickenfruitdropsonthebough，andagreatwormiswithin——
fattening，andfeasting，andwriggling！WHOstolethepears?I
say。Isityou，brother?Isityou，madam?Come！areyoureadytoanswer——respondereparatietcantarepares?(Oshame！shame！)
Willthevillainseverbediscoveredandpunishedwhostolemyfruit?Someunluckyrascalswhoroborchardsarecaughtupthetreeatonce。Somerobthroughlifewithimpunity。IfI，formypart，weretotryandgetupthesmallesttree，onthedarkestnight，inthemostremoteorchard，IwageranymoneyIshouldbefoundout——becaughtbytheleginaman-trap，orhaveTowlerfasteningonme。I
alwaysamfoundout；havebeen；shallbe。It\'smyluck。Othermenwillcarryoffbushelsoffruit，andgetawayundetected，unsuspected；whereasIknowwoeandpunishmentwouldfalluponmewereItolaymyhandonthesmallestpippin。Sobeit。Amanwhohasthispreciousself-knowledgewillsurelykeephishandsfrompickingandstealing，andhisfeetuponthepathsofvirtue。
Iwillassume，mybenevolentfriendandpresentreader，thatyouyourselfarevirtuous，notfromafearofpunishment，butfromasheerloveofgood:butusyouandIwalkthroughlife，considerwhathundredsofthousandsofrascalswemusthavemet，whohavenotbeenfoundoutatall。Inhighplacesandlow，inClubsandon\'Change，atchurchortheballsandroutsofthenobilityandgentry，howdreadfulitisforbenevolentbeingslikeyouandmetohavetothinktheseundiscoveredthoughnotunsuspectedscoundrelsareswarming！Whatisthedifferencebetweenyouandagalley-
slave?Isyonderpoorwretchatthehulksnotamanandabrothertoo?Haveyoueverforged，mydearsir?Haveyouevercheatedyourneighbor?HaveyoueverriddentoHounslowHeathandrobbedthemail?Haveyoueverenteredafirst-classrailwaycarriage，whereanoldgentlemansataloneinasweetsleep，daintilymurderedhim，takenhispocket-book，andgotoutatthenextstation?YouknowthatthiscircumstanceoccurredinFranceafewmonthssince。IfwehavetravelledinFrancethisautumnwemayhavemettheingeniousgentlemanwhoperpetratedthisdaringandsuccessfulcoup。Wemayhavefoundhimawell-informedandagreeableman。Ihavebeenacquaintedwithtwoorthreegentlemenwhohavebeendiscoveredafter——aftertheperformanceofillegalactions。What?ThatagreeablerattlingfellowwemetwasthecelebratedMr。JohnSheppard?Wasthatamiablequietgentlemaninspectaclesthewell-
knownMr。Fauntleroy?InHazlitt\'sadmirablepaper，“GoingtoaFight，“hedescribesadashingsportingfellowwhowasinthecoach，andwhowasnolessamanthantheeminentdestroyerofMr。WilliamWeare。Don\'ttellmethatyouwouldnotliketohavemet(outofbusiness)CaptainSheppard，theReverendDoctorDodd，orothersrenderedfamousbytheiractionsandmisfortunes，bytheirlivesandtheirdeaths。Theyarethesubjectsofballads，theheroesofromance。AfriendofminehadthehouseinMayFair，outofwhichpoorDoctorDoddwastakenhandcuffed。Therewasthepavedhalloverwhichhestepped。Thatlittleroomatthesidewas，nodoubt，thestudywherehecomposedhiselegantsermons。TwoyearssinceI
hadthegoodfortunetopartakeofsomeadmirabledinnersinTyburnia——magnificentdinnersindeed；butrendereddoublyinterestingfromthefactthatthehousewasthatoccupiedbythelateMr。Sadleir。OnenightthelateMr。Sadleirtookteainthatdining-room，and，tothesurpriseofhisbutler，wentout，havingputintohispockethisowncream-jug。Thenextmorning，youknow，hewasfounddeadonHampsteadHeath，withthecream-juglyingbyhim，intowhichhehadpouredthepoisonbywhichhedied。Theideaoftheghostofthelategentlemanflittingabouttheroomgaveastrangeinteresttothebanquet。Canyoufancyhimtakinghisteaaloneinthedining-room?Heemptiesthatcream-jugandputsitinhispocket；andthenheopensyonderdoor，throughwhichheisnevertopassagain。Nowhecrossesthehall:andhark！thehall-doorshutsuponhim，andhisstepsdieaway。Theyaregoneintothenight。Theytraversethesleepingcity。Theyleadhimintothefields，wherethegraymorningisbeginningtoglimmer。Hepourssomethingfromabottleintoalittlesilverjug。Ittoucheshislips，thelyinglips。Dotheyquiveraprayererethatawfuldraughtisswallowed?Whenthesunrisestheyaredumb。
Ineitherknewthisunhappyman，norhiscountryman——Laertesletuscallhim——whoisatpresentinexile，havingbeencompelledtoflyfromremorselesscreditors。LaertesfledtoAmerica，whereheearnedhisbreadbyhispen。Iowntohavingakindlyfeelingtowardsthisscapegrace，because，thoughanexile，hedidnotabusethecountrywhencehefled。Ihaveheardthathewentawaytakingnospoilwithhim，pennilessalmost；andonhisvoyagehemadeacquaintancewithacertainJew；andwhenhefellsick，atNewYork，thisJewbefriendedhim，andgavehimhelpandmoneyoutofhisownstore，whichwasbutsmall。Now，aftertheyhadbeenawhileinthestrangecity，ithappenedthatthepoorJewspentallhislittlemoney，andhetoofellill，andwasingreatpenury。AndnowitwasLaerteswhobefriendedthatEbrewJew。Hefee\'ddoctors；hefedandtendedthesickandhungry。Goto，Laertes！Iknowtheenot。Itmaybethouartjustlyexulpatriae。ButtheJewshallintercedeforthee，thounot，letustrust，hopelessChristiansinner。
AnotherexiletothesameshoreIknew:whodidnot?JuliusCaesarhardlyowedmoremoneythanCucedicus:and，graciouspowers！
Cucedicus，howdidyoumanagetospendandowesomuch?Alldayhewasatworkforhisclients；atnighthewasoccupiedinthePublicCouncil。Heneitherhadwifenorchildren。Therewardswhichhereceivedforhisorationswereenoughtomaintaintwentyrhetoricians。NightafternightIhaveseenhimeatinghisfrugalmeal，consistingbutofafish，asmallportionofmutton，andasmallmeasureofIberianorTrinacrianwine，largelydilutedwiththesparklingwatersofRhenishGaul。Andthiswasallhehad；andthismanearnedandpaidawaytalentsupontalents；andfled，owingwhoknowshowmanymore！Doesamanearnfifteenthousandpoundsayear，toilingbyday，talkingbynight，havinghorribleunrestinhisbed，ghastlyterrorsatwaking，seeinganofficerlurkingateverycorner，aswordofjusticeforeverhangingoverhishead——andhaveforhissolediversionanewspaper，alonelymutton-chop，andalittlesherryandseltzer-water?IntheGermanstorieswereadhowmensellthemselvesto——acertainPersonage，andthatPersonagecheatsthem。Hegivesthemwealth；yes，butthegold-piecesturnintoworthlessleaves。Hesetsthembeforesplendidbanquetsyes，butwhatanawfulgrinthatblackfootmanhaswholiftsupthedish-
cover；anddon\'tyousmellapeculiarsulphurousodorinthedish?
Faugh！takeitaway；Ican\'teat。Hepromisesthemsplendorsandtriumphs。Theconqueror\'searrollsglitteringthroughthecity，themultitudeshoutandhuzza。Driveon，coachman。Yes，butwhoisthathangingonbehindthecarriage?Isthistherewardofeloquence，talents，industry?Isthistheendofalife\'slabor?
Don\'tyourememberhow，whenthedragonwasinfestingtheneighborhoodofBabylon，thecitizensusedtowalkdismallyoutofevenings，andlookatthevalleysroundaboutstrewedwiththebonesofthevictimswhomthemonsterhaddevoured?Oinsatiatebrute，andmostdisgusting，brazen，andscalyreptile！Letusbethankful，children，thatithasnotgobbledusuptoo。Quick。Letusturnaway，andpraythatwemaybekeptoutofthereachofhishorriblemaw，jaw，claw！
WhenIfirstcameuptoLondon，asinnocentasMonsieurGilBlas，I
alsofellinwithsomeprettyacquaintances，foundmywayintoseveralcaverns，anddeliveredmypursetomorethanonegallantgentlemanoftheroad。OneIrememberespecially——onewhonevereasedmepersonallyofasinglemaravedi——onethanwhomInevermetabanditmoregallant，courteous，andamiable。Robme?Rolandofeastedme；treatedmetohisdinnerandhiswine；keptageneroustableforhisfriends，andIknowwasmostliberaltomanyofthem。
HowwellIrememberoneofhisspeculations！Itwasagreatplanforsmugglingtobacco。Revenueofficersweretobeboughtoff；
silentshipsweretoplyontheThames；cunningdepotsweretobeestablished，andhundredsofthousandsofpoundstobemadebythecoup。Howhiseyeskindledashepropoundedtheschemetome！Howeasyandcertainitseemed！Itmighthavesucceeded，Ican\'tsay:
buttheboldandmerry，theheartyandkindlyRolandocametogrief——
alittlematterofimitatedsignaturesoccasionedaBankpersecutionofRolandotheBrave。Hewalkedaboutarmed，andvowedhewouldneverbetakenalive:buttakenhewas；tried，condemned，sentencedtoperpetualbanishment；andIheardthatforsometimehewasuniversallypopularinthecolonywhichhadthehonortopossesshim。Whatasonghecouldsing！\'Twaswhenthecupwassparklingbeforeus，andheavengaveaportionofitsblue，boys，blue，thatI
rememberthesongofRolandatthe“OldPiazzaCoffee-house。”Andnowwhereisthe“OldPiazzaCoffee-house?“WhereisThebes?whereisTroy?whereistheColossusofRhodes?Ah，Rolando，Rolando！
thouwertagallantcaptain，acheery，ahandsome，amerry。AtME
thouneverpresentedstpistol。ThoubadestthebumperofBurgundyfill，fillforme，givingthosewhopreferreditchampagne。Caelumnonanimum，&c。Doyouthinkhehasreformednowthathehascrossedthesea，andchangedtheair?Ihavemyownopinion。
Howbeit，Rolando，thouwertamostkindandhospitablebandit。
AndIlovenottothinkoftheewithachainatthyshin。
Doyouknowhowallthesememoriesofunfortunatemenhavecomeuponme?Whentheycametofrightenmethismorningbyspeakingofmyrobbedpears，myperforatedgardenwall，IwasreadinganarticleintheSaturdayReviewaboutRupilius。Ihavesatnearthatyoungmanatapublicdinner，andbeheldhiminagildeduniform。Butyesterdayhelivedinsplendor，hadlonghair，aflowingbeard，ajewelathisneck，andasmartsurtout。Soattired，hestoodbutyesterdayincourt；andto-dayhesitsoverabowlofprisoncocoa，withashavedhead，andinafelon\'sjerkin。
Thatbeardandheadshaved，thatgaudydeputy-lieutenant\'scoatexchangedforfelonuniform，andyourdailybottleofchampagneforprisoncocoa，mypoorRupilius，whatacomfortitmustbetohavethebusinessbroughttoanend！Champagnewasthehonorablegentleman\'sdrinkintheHouseofCommonsdining-room，asIaminformed。Whatuncommonlydrychampagnethatmusthavebeen！Whenwesawhimoutwardlyhappy，howmiserablehemusthavebeen！whenwethoughthimprosperous，howdismallypoor！WhenthegreatMr。
Harker，atthepublicdinners，calledout——“Gentlemen，chargeyourglasses，andpleasesilencefortheHonorableMemberforLambeth！“
howthatHonorableMembermusthavewrithedinwardly！Oneday，whentherewasatalkofagentleman\'shonorbeingquestioned，Rupiliussaid，“Ifanymandoubtedmine，Iwouldknockhimdown。”Butthatspeechwasinthewayofbusiness。TheSpartanboy，whostolethefox，smiledwhilethebeastwasgnawinghimunderhiscloak:I
promiseyouRupiliushadsomesharpfangsgnashingunderhis。Wehavesatatthesamefeast，Isay:wehavepaidourcontributiontothesamecharity。Ah！whenIaskthisdayformydailybread，I
praynottobeledintotemptation，andtobedeliveredfromevil。
DESSEIN\'S。
Iarrivedbythenight-mailpacketfromDover。Thepassagehadbeenrough，andtheusualconsequenceshadensued。IwasdisinclinedtotravelfartherthatnightonmyroadtoParis，andknewtheCalaishotelofoldasoneofthecleanest，oneofthedearest，oneofthemostcomfortablehotelsonthecontinentofEurope。ThereisnotownmoreFrenchthanCalais。Thatcharmingold“HotelDessein，“
withitscourt，itsgardens，itslordlykitchen，itsprincelywaiter——agentlemanoftheoldschool，whohaswelcomedthefinestcompanyinEurope——havelongbeenknowntome。IhavereadcomplaintsinTheTimes，morethanonce，Ithink，thattheDesseinbillsaredear。Abottleofsoda-watercertainlycosts——well，nevermindhowmuch。Irememberasaboy，atthe“Ship“atDover(imperanteCaroloDecimo)，when，myplacetoLondonbeingpaid，I
hadbut12s。leftafteracertainlittleParisexcursion(aboutwhichmybenightedparentsneverknewanything)，orderingfordinnerawhiting，abeefsteak，andaglassofnegus，andthebillwas，dinner7s。，glassofnegus2s。，waiter6d。，andonlyhalfacrownleft，asIwasasinner，fortheguardandcoachmanonthewaytoLondon！AndIWASasinner。Ihadgonewithoutleave。Whatalong，dreary，guiltyfortyhours\'journeyitwasfromParistoCalais，Iremember！HowdidIcometothinkofthisescapade，whichoccurredintheEastervacationoftheyear1830?IalwaysthinkofitwhenIamcrossingtoCalais。Guilt，sir，guiltremainsstampedonthememory，andIfeeleasierinmymindnowthatitisliberatedofthisoldpeccadillo。Imetmycollegetutoronlyyesterday。Weweretravelling，andstoppedatthesamehotel。Hehadtheverynextroomtomine。Afterhehadgoneintohisapartment，havingshakenmequitekindlybythehand，Ifeltinclinedtoknockathisdoorandsay，“DoctorBentley，Ibegyourpardon，butdoyouremember，whenIwasgoingdownattheEastervacationin1830，youaskedmewhereIwasgoingtospendmyvacation?AndIsaid，WithmyfriendSlingsby，inHuntingdonshire。Well，sir，IgrievetohavetoconfessthatItoldyouafib。Ihadgot20L。andwasgoingforalarktoParis，wheremyfriendEdwardswasstaying。”There，itisout。TheDoctorwillreadit，forIdidnotwakehimupafteralltomakemyconfession，butprotestheshallhaveacopyofthisRoundaboutsenttohimwhenhereturnstohislodge。
Theygavemeabedroomthere；averyneatroomonthefirstfloor，lookingintotheprettygarden。ThehotelmustlookprettymuchasitdidahundredyearsagowhenHEvisitedit。Iwonderwhetherhepaidhisbill?Yes:hisjourneywasjustbegun。Hehadborrowedorgotthemoneysomehow。Suchamanwouldspenditliberallyenoughwhenhehadit，givegenerously——nay，dropatearoverthefateofthepoorfellowwhomherelieved。Idon\'tbelieveawordhesays，butIneveraccusedhimofstinginessaboutmoney。Thatisafaultofmuchmorevirtuouspeoplethanhe。Mr。Laurenceisreadyenoughwithhispursewhenthereareanybody\'sguineasinit。StillwhenI
wenttobedintheroom，inHISroom；whenIthinkhowIadmire，dislike，andhaveabusedhim，acertaindimfeelingofapprehensionfilledmymindatthemidnighthour。WhatifIshouldseehisleanfigureintheblack-satinbreeches，hissinistersmile，hislongthinfingerpointingtomeinthemoonlight(forIaminbed，andhavepoppedmycandleout)，andheshouldsay，“Youmistrustme，youhateme，doyou?Andyou，don\'tyouknowhowJack，Tom，andHarry，yourbrotherauthors，hateYOU?“Igrinandlaughinthemoonlight，inthemidnight，inthesilence。“Oyoughostinblack-satinbreechesandawig！Iliketobehatedbysomemen，“Isay。“I
knowmenwhoselivesareascheme，whoselaughterisaconspiracy，whosesmilemeanssomethingelse，whosehatredisacloak，andIhadratherthesemenshouldhatemethannot。”
“Mygoodsir，“sayshe，withaghastlygrinonhisleanface，“youhaveyourwish。”
“Apres?“Isay。“Pleaseletmegotosleep。Ishan\'tsleepanytheworsebecause——“
“Becausethereareinsectsinthebed，andtheystingyou?“(Thisisonlybywayofillustration，mygoodsir；theanimalsdon\'tbitemenow。Allthehouseatpresentseemstomeexcellentlyclean。)
“\'Tisabsurdtoaffectthisindifference。Ifyouarethin-skinned，andthereptilesbite，theykeepyoufromsleep。”
“Therearesomemenwhocryoutataflea-biteasloudasiftheyweretornbyavulture，“Igrowl。
“Menofthegenusirritabile，myworthygoodgentleman！——andyouareone。”
“Yes，sir，Iamoftheprofession，asyousay；andIdaresaymakeagreatshoutingandcryingatasmallhurt。”
“Youareashamedofthatqualitybywhichyouearnyoursubsistence，andsuchreputationasyouhave?Yoursensibilityisyourlivelihood，myworthyfriend。Youfeelapangofpleasureorpain?
Itisnotedinyourmemory，andsomedayorothermakesitsappearanceinyourmanuscript。Why，inyourlastRoundaboutrubbishyoumentionreadingyourfirstnovelonthedaywhenKingGeorgeIV。
wascrowned。IrememberhiminhiscradleatSt。James\'s，alovelylittlebabe；agiltChineserailingwasbeforehim，andIdroppedthetearofsensibilityasIgazedonthesleepingcherub。”
“Atear——afiddlestick，MR。STERNE，“Igrowledout，forofcourseI
knewmyfriendinthewigandsatinbreechestobenootherthanthenotorious，nay，celebratedMr。LaurenceSterne。
“Doesnotthesightofabeautifulinfantcharmandmeltyou，monami?Ifnot，Ipityyou。Yes，hewasbeautiful。IwasinLondontheyearhewasborn。Iusedtobreakfastatthe\'MountCoffee-
house。\'Ididnotbecomethefashionuntiltwoyearslater，whenmy\'Tristram\'madehisappearance，whohasheldhisownforahundredyears。Bytheway，monbonmonsieur，howmanyauthorsofyourpresenttimewilllasttillthenextcentury?DoyouthinkBrownwill?“
IlaughedwithscornasIlayinmybed(andsodidtheghostgiveaghastlysnigger)。
“Brown！“Iroared。“Oneofthemostover-ratedmenthateverputpentopaper！“
“WhatdoyouthinkofJones?“
Igrewindignantwiththisoldcynic。“Asareasonableghost，comeoutoftheotherworld，youdon\'tmean，“Isaid，“toaskmeaseriousopinionofMr。Jones?Hisbooksmaybeverygoodreadingformaid-servantsandschool-boys，butyoudon\'taskMEtoreadthem?Asascholaryourselfyoumustknowthat——“
“Well，then，Robinson?“
“Robinson，Iamtold，hasmerit。Idaresay；Ineverhavebeenabletoreadhisbooks，andcan\'t，therefore，formanyopinionaboutMr。
Robinson。AtleastyouwillallowthatIamnotspeakinginaprejudicedmanneraboutHIM。”
“Ah！Iseeyoumenoflettershaveyourcabalsandjealousies，aswehadinmytime。TherewasanIrishfellowbythenameofGouldsmith，whousedtoabuseme；buthewentintonogenteelcompany——andfaith！itmatteredlittle，hispraiseorabuse。I
neverwasmoresurprisedthanwhenIheardthatMr。Irving，anAmericangentlemanofpartsandelegance，hadwrotethefellow\'slife。Tomakeaheroofthatman，mydearsir，\'twasridiculous！
Youfollowedinthefashion，Ihear，andchosetolayawreathbeforethisqueerlittleidol。Preposterous！Aprettywriter，whohasturnedsomeneatcouplets。Bah！IhavenopatiencewithMasterPosterity，thathaschosentotakeupthisfellow，andmakeaheroofhim！Andtherewasanothergentlemanofmytime，Mr。ThiefcatcherFielding，forsooth！afellowwiththestrength，andthetastes，andthemannersofaporter！WhatmadnesshaspossessedyoualltobowbeforethatCalvertButtofaman?——acreaturewithouteleganceorsensibility！Thedoghadspirits，certainly。IremembermyLordBathurstpraisingthem:butasforreadinghisbooks——mafoi，I
wouldasliefgoanddivefortripeinacellar。Theman\'svulgaritystiflesme。Hewaftsmewhiffsofgin。Tobaccoandonionsareinhisgreatcoarselaugh，whichchokeme，pardi；andIdon\'tthinkmuchbetteroftheotherfellow——theScots\'gallipotpurveyor——
PeregrineClinker，HumphreyRandom——howdidthefellowcallhisrubbish?Neitherofthesemenhadthebelair，thebonton，thejenescaisquoy。Pah！IfImeettheminmywalksbyourStygianriver，Igivethemawideberth，asthathybridapothecaryfellowwouldsay。Anounceofcivet，goodapothecary；horrible，horrible！
Themerethoughtofthecoarsenessofthosemengivesmethechairdepoule。Mr。Fielding，especially，hasnomoresensibilitythanabutcherinFleetMarket。Hetakeshisheroesoutofale-housekitchens，orworseplacesstill。AndthisisthepersonwhomPosterityhaschosentohonoralongwithme——ME！Faith，MonsieurPosterity，youhaveputmeinprettycompany，andIseeyouarenowiserthanwewereinourtime。Mr。Fielding，forsooth！Mr。TripeandOnions！Mr。CowheelandGin！Thankyoufornothing。MonsieurPosterity！“
“Andso，“thoughtI，“evenamongtheseStygiansthisenvyandquarrelsomeness(ifyouwillpermitmetheword)survive?Whatapitifulmeanness！Tobesure，Icanunderstandthisfeelingtoacertainextent；asenseofjusticewillpromptit。Inmyowncase，Ioftenfeelmyselfforcedtoprotestagainsttheabsurdpraiseslavishedoncontemporaries。Yesterday，forinstance，LadyJoneswasgoodenoughtopraiseoneofmyworks。Tresbien。Butintheverynextminuteshebegan，withquiteasgreatenthusiasm，topraiseMissHobson\'slastromance。Mygoodcreature，whatisthatwoman\'spraiseworthwhoabsolutelyadmiresthewritingsofMissHobson?I
offerafriendabottleof\'44claret，fitforapontificalsupper。
\'Thisiscapitalwine，\'sayshe；\'andnowwehavefinishedthebottle，willyougivemeabottleofthatordinairewedranktheotherday?\'Verywell，mygoodman。Youareagoodjudge——ofordinaire，Idaresay。Nothingsoprovokesmyanger，androusesmysenseofjustice，astohearothermenundeservedlypraised。Inaword，ifyouwishtoremainfriendswithme，don\'tpraiseanybody。
YoutellmethattheVenusde\'Mediciisbeautiful，orJacobOmniumistall。Quediable！Can\'tIjudgeformyself?Haven\'tIeyesandafoot-rule?Idon\'tthinktheVenusISsohandsome，sinceyoupressme。Sheispretty，butshehasnoexpression。AndasforMr。
Omnium，Icanseemuchtallermeninafairfortwopence。”
“Andso，“Isaid，turningroundtoMr。Sterne，“youareactuallyjealousofMr。Fielding?Oyoumenofletters，youmenofletters！
Isnottheworld(yourworld，Imean)bigenoughforallofyou?“
Ioftentravelinmysleep。Ioftenofanightfindmyselfwalkinginmynight-gownaboutthegraystreets。Itisawkwardatfirst，butsomehownobodymakesanyremark。Iglidealongoverthegroundwithmynakedfeet。Themuddoesnotwetthem。Thepassers-bydonottreadonthem。Iamwaftedovertheground，downthestairs，throughthedoors。Thissortoftravelling，dearfriends，Iamsureyouhaveallofyouindulged。
Well，onthenightinquestion(and，ifyouwishtoknowtheprecisedate，itwasthe31stofSeptemberlast)，afterhavingsomelittleconversationwithMr。Sterneinourbedroom，Imusthavegotup，thoughIprotestIdon\'tknowhow，andcomedownstairswithhimintothecoffee-roomofthe“HotelDessein，“wherethemoonwasshining，andacoldsupperwaslaidout。Iforgetwhatwehad——
“vol-au-ventd\'oeufsdePhenix——agneauauxpistachesalaBarmecide，“——whatmatterswhatwehad?
“Asregardssupperthisiscertain，thelessyouhaveofitthebetter。”
Thatiswhatoneoftheguestsremarked，——ashabbyoldman，inawig，andsuchadirty，ragged，disreputabledressing-gownthatI
shouldhavebeenquitesurprisedathim，onlyoneneverISsurprisedindr——undercertaincircumstances。
“Ican\'teat\'emnow，“saidthegreasyman(withhisfalseoldteeth，Iwonderhecouldeatanything)。“IrememberAlvanleyeatingthreesuppersonceatCarltonHouse——onenightdepetitecomite。”
“Petitcomite，sir，“saidMr。Sterne。
“Dammy，sir，letmetellmyownstorymyownway。Isay，onenightatCarltonhouse，playingatblindhookeywithYork，Wales，TomRaikes，PrinceBoothby，andDutchSamtheboxer，Alvanleyatethreesuppers，andwonthreeandtwentyhundredpoundsinponies。Neversawafellowwithsuchanappetite，exceptWalesinhisGOODtime。
Buthedestroyedthefinestdigestionamaneverhadwithmaraschino，byJove——alwaysatit。”
“Trymine，“saidMr。Sterne。
“Whatadoosidqueerbox，“saysMr。Brummell。
“IhaditfromaCapuchinfriarinthistown。Theboxisbutahornone；buttothenoseofsensibilityAraby\'sperfumeisnotmoredelicate。”
“Icallitdoosidstaleoldrappee，“saysMr。Brummell——(asformeI
declareIcouldnotsmellanythingatallineitheroftheboxes。)
“Oldboyinsmock-frock，takeapinch?“
Theoldboyinthesmock-frock，asMr。Brummellcalledhim，wasaveryoldman，withlongwhitebeard，wearing，notasmock-frock，butashirt；andhehadactuallynothingelsesavearoperoundhisneck，whichhungbehindhischairinthequeerestway。
“Fairsir，“hesaid，turningtoMr。Brummell，“whenthePrinceofWalesandhisfatherlaidsiegetoourtown——“
“Whatnonsenseareyoutalking，oldcock?“saysMr。Brummell；“Waleswasneverhere。HislateMajestyGeorgeIV。passedthroughonhiswaytoHanover。Mygoodman，youdon\'tseemtoknowwhat\'supatall。Whatishetalkin\'aboutthesiegeofCalais?Ilivedherefifteenyears！Oughttoknow。What\'shisoldname?“
“IamMasterEustaceofSaintPeter\'s，“saidtheoldgentlemanintheshirt。“WhenmyLordKingEdwardlaidsiegetothiscity——“
“LaidsiegetoJericho！“criesMr。Brummell。“Theoldmaniscracked——cracked，sir！“
“——Laidsiegetothiscity，“continuedtheoldman，“IandfivemorepromisedMessireGautierdeMaunythatwewouldgiveourselvesupasransomfortheplace。AndwecamebeforeourLordKingEdward，attiredasyousee，andthefairqueenbeggedourlivesoutofhergramercy。”
“Queen，nonsense！youmeanthePrincessofWales——prettywoman，petitnezretrousse，grewmonstrousstout！“suggestedMr。Brummell，whosereadingwasevidentlynotextensive。“SirSidneySmithwasafinefellow，greattalker，hooknose，sohasLordCochrane，sohasLordWellington。ShewasverysweetonSirSidney。”
“YouracquaintancewiththehistoryofCalaisdoesnotseemtobeconsiderable，“saidMr。SternetoMr。Brummell，withashrug。
“Don\'tit，bishop?——forIconcludeyouareabishopbyyourwig。I
knowCalaisaswellasanyman。IlivedhereforyearsbeforeI
tookthatconfoundedconsulateatCaen。Livedinthishotel，thenatLeleux\'s。Peopleusedtostophere。GoodfellowsusedtoaskforpoorGeorgeBrummell；Hertforddid，sodidtheDuchessofDevonshire。NotknowCalaisindeed！Thatisagoodjoke。Hadmanyagooddinnerhere:sorryIeverleftit。”
“MyLordKingEdward，“chirpedthequeeroldgentlemanintheshirt，“colonizedtheplacewithhisEnglish，afterwehadyieldedituptohim。Ihaveheardtelltheykeptitfornighthreehundredyears，tillmyLorddeGuisetookitfromafairQueen，Maryofblessedmemory，aholywoman。Eh，butSireGautierofMaunywasagoodknight，avaliantcaptain，gentleandcourteouswithal！Doyourememberhisransomingthe——?“
“Whatistheoldfellowtwaddlin\'about?“criesBrummell。“Heistalkingaboutsomeknight?——Ineverspoketoaknight，andveryseldomtoabaronet。Firkins，mybutterman，wasaknight——aknightandalderman。WalesknightedhimonceongoingintotheCity。”
“IamnotsurprisedthatthegentlemanshouldnotunderstandMessireEustaceofSt。Peter\'s，“saidtheghostlyindividualaddressedasMr。Sterne。“Yourreadingdoubtlesshasnotbeenveryextensive?“
“Dammy，sir，speakforyourself！“criesMr。Brummell，testily。“I
neverprofessedtobeareadingman，butIwasasgoodasmyneighbors。Waleswasn\'tareadingman；Yorkwasn\'tareadingman；
Clarencewasn\'tareadingman；Sussexwas，buthewasn\'tamaninsociety。Irememberreadingyour\'SentimentalJourney，\'oldboy:
readittotheDuchessatBeauvoir，Irecollect，andshecriedoverit。Doosidcleveramusingbook，anddoesyougreatcredit。Birronwrotedoosidcleverbooks，too；sodidMonkLewis。GeorgeSpencerwasanelegantpoet，andmydearDuchessofDevonshire，ifshehadnotbeenagrandedame，wouldhavebeat\'emall，byGeorge。Walescouldn\'twrite:hecouldsing，buthecouldn\'tspell。”
“Ah，youknowthegreatworld?sodidIinmytime，Mr。Brummell。I
havehadthevisitingticketsofhalfthenobilityatmylodgingsinBondStreet。Buttheyleftmetherenomorecaredforthanlastyear\'scalendar，“sighedMr。Sterne。“IwonderwhoisthemodeinLondonnow?Oneofourlatearrivals，myLordMacaulay，hasprodigiousmeritandlearning，and，faith，hishistoriesaremoreamusingthananynovels，myownincluded。”
“Don\'tknow，I\'msurenotinmyline。Pickthisboneofchicken，“
saysMr。Brummell，triflingwithaskeletonbirdbeforehim。
“IrememberinthiscityofCalaisworsefarethanyoubird，“saidoldMr。EustaceofSaintPeter\'s。“Marry，sirs，whenmyLordKingEdwardlaidsiegetous，luckywashewhocouldgetasliceofhorseforhisbreakfast，andaratwassoldatthepriceofahare。”
“Hareiscoarsefood，nevertastedrat，“remarkedtheBeau。“Table-
d\'hotepoorfareenoughforamanlikeme，whohasbeenaccustomedtothebestofcookery。Butrat——stifleme！Icouldn\'tswallowthat:nevercouldbearhardshipatall。”
“WehadtobearenoughwhenmyLordofEnglandpressedus。\'Twaspitifultoseethefacesofourwomenasthesiegewenton，andhearthelittleonesaskingfordinner。”
“Alwaysabore，children。Atdessert，theyarebadenough，butatdinnerthey\'rethedeuceandall，“remarkedMr。Brummell。
MessireEustaceofSt。Peter\'sdidnotseemtopaymuchattentiontotheBeau\'sremarks，butcontinuedhisowntrainofthoughtasoldmenwilldo。
“Ihear，“saidhe，“thattherehasactuallybeennowarbetweenusofFranceandyoumenofEnglandforwellnighfiftyyear。Ourshaseverbeenanationofwarriors。Andbesidesherregularfoundmen-
at-arms，\'tissaidtheEnglishofthepresenttimehavemorethanahundredthousandofarcherswithweaponsthatwillcarryforhalfamile。AndamultitudehavecomeamongstusoflatefromagreatWesterncountry，neversomuchasheardofinmytime——valiantmenandgreatdrawersofthelongbow，andtheysaytheyhaveshipsinarmorthatnoshotcanpenetrate。Isitso?Wonderful；wonderful！
Thebestarmor，gossips，isastoutheart。”
“Andifevermanlyheartbeatundershirt-frill，thineisthatheart，SirEustace！“criedMr。Sterne，enthusiastically。
“We，ofFrance，wereneveraccusedoflackofcourage，sir，insofarasIknow，“saidMessireEustace。“WehaveshownasmuchinathousandwarswithyouEnglishbyseaandland；andsometimesweconquered，andsometimes，asisthefortuneofwar，wewerediscomfited。Andnotablyinagreatsea-fightwhichbefelloffUshantonthefirstofJune——OurAdmiral，messireVillaretdeJoyeuse，onboardhisgalleonnamedthe\'Vengeur，\'beingsorepressedbyanEnglishbombard，ratherthanyieldthecrewofhisshiptomercy，determinedtogodownwithallonboardofher:andtothecryofVivelaRepub——or，Iwouldsay，ofNotreDamealaRescousse，heandhiscrewallsanktoanimmortalgrave——“
“Sir，“saidI，lookingwithamazementattheoldgentleman，“surely，surely，thereissomemistakeinyourstatement。PermitmetoobservethattheactionofthefirstofJunetookplacefivehundredyearsafteryourtime，and——“
“PerhapsIamconfusingmydates，“saidtheoldgentleman，withafaintblush。“YousayIammixingupthetransactionsofmytimeonearthwiththestoryofmysuccessors?Itmaybeso。WetakenocountofafewcenturiesmoreorlessinourdwellingbythedarklingStygianriver。Oflate，therecameamongstusagoodknight，MessiredeCambronne，whofoughtagainstyouEnglishinthecountryofFlanders，beingcaptainoftheguardofmyLordtheKingofFrance，inafamousbattlewhereyouEnglishwouldhavebeenutterlyroutedbutforthesuccorofthePrussianheathen。ThisMessiredeCambronne，whenbiddentoyieldbyyouofEngland，answeredthis，\'Theguarddiesbutneversurrenders；\'andfoughtalongtimeafterwards，asbecameagoodknight。InourwarswithyouofEnglanditmayhavepleasedtheFatestogiveyouthegreatersuccess，butonourside，also，therehasbeennolackofbravedeedsperformedbybravemen。”
“KingEdwardmayhavebeenthevictor，sir，asbeingthestrongest，butyouaretheheroofthesiegeofCalais！“criedMr。Sterne。
“Yourstoryissacred，andyournamehasbeenblessedforfivehundredyears。Wherevermenspeakofpatriotismandsacrifice，EustaceofSaintPierreshallbebelovedandremembered。I
prostratemyselfbeforethebarefeetwhichstoodbeforeKingEdward。Whatcollarofchivalryistobecomparedtothatgloriousorderwhichyouwear?Think，sir，howoutofthemyriadmillionsofourrace，you，andsomefewmore，standforthasexemplarsofdutyandhonor。Fortunatinimium！“
“Sir，“saidtheoldgentleman，“Ididbutmydutyatapainfulmoment；and\'tismatterofwondertomethatmentalkstill，andglorifysuchatriflingmatter。ByourLady\'sgrace，inthefairkingdomofFrance，therearescoresofthousandsofmen，gentleandsimple，whowoulddoasIdid。Doesnoteverysentinelathispost，doesnoteveryarcherinthefrontofbattle，braveit，anddiewherehiscaptainbidshim?WhoamIthatIshouldbechosenoutofallFrancetobeanexampleoffortitude?Ibravednotortures，thoughtheseItrustIwouldhaveenduredwithagoodheart。Iwassubjecttothreatsonly。WhowastheRomanknightofwhomtheLatinclerkHoratiustells?“
“ALatinclerk?Faith，IforgetmyLatin，“saysMr。Brummell。“Asktheparson，here。”
“MessireRegulus，Iremember，washisname。TakenprisonerbytheSaracens，hegavehisknightlyword，andwaspermittedtogoseekaransomamonghisownpeople。Beingunabletoraisethesumthatwasafittingransomforsuchaknight，hereturnedtoAfric，andcheerfullysubmittedtothetortureswhichthePaynimsinflicted。
And\'tissaidhetookleaveofhisfriendsasgaylyasthoughheweregoingtoavilagekermes，orridingtohisgardenhouseinthesuburbofthecity。”
“Great，good，gloriousman！“criedMr。Sterne，verymuchmoved。
“Letmeembracethatgallanthand，andbedewitwithmytears！Aslongashonorlaststhynameshallberemembered。Seethisdew-droptwinklingonmycheck！\'TisthesparklingtributethatSensibilitypaystoValor。ThoughinmylifeandpracticeImayturnfromVirtue，believeme，Ineverhaveceasedtohonorher！Ah，Virtue！
Ah，Sensibility！Oh——“
HereMr。SternewasinterruptedbyamonkoftheOrderofSt。
Francis，whosteppedintotheroom，andbeggedusalltotakeapinchofhisfamousoldrappee。Isupposethesnuffwasverypungent，for，withagreatstart，Iwokeup；andnowperceivedthatImusthavebeendreamingaltogether。“Dessein\'s“ofnow-a-daysisnotthe“Dessein\'s“whichMr。Sterne，andMr。Brummell，andI
recollectinthegoodoldtimes。ThetownofCalaishasboughttheoldhotel，and“Dessein“hasgoneoverto“Quillacq\'s。”AndIwasthereyesterday。AndIrememberolddiligences，andoldpostilionsinpigtailsandjack-boots，whowereonceasaliveasIam，andwhosecrackingwhipsIhaveheardinthemidnightmanyandmanyatime。Now，wherearethey?BeholdtheyhavebeenferriedoverStyx，andhavepassedawayintolimbo。
Iwonderwhattimedoesmyboatgo?Ah！Herecomesthewaiterbringingmemylittlebill。
ONSOMECARPATSANSSOUCI。
Wehavelatelymadetheacquaintanceofanoldladyofninety，whohaspassedthelasttwenty-fiveyearsofheroldlifeinagreatmetropolitanestablishment，theworkhouse，namely，oftheparishofSaintLazarus。Stay——twenty-threeorfouryearsago，shecameoutonce，andthoughttoearnalittlemoneybyhop-picking；butbeingoverworked，andhavingtolieoutatnight，shegotapalsywhichhasincapacitatedherfromallfurtherlabor，andhascausedherpooroldlimbstoshakeeversince。
Anillustrationofthatdismalproverbwhichtellsushowpovertymakesusacquaintedwithstrangebed-fellows，thispooroldshakingbodyhastolayherselfdowneverynightinherworkhousebedbythesideofsomeotheroldwomanwithwhomshemayormaynotagree。
Sheherselfcan\'tbeaverypleasantbed-fellow，poorthing！withhershakingoldlimbsandcoldfeet。Sheliesawakeadealofthenight，tobesure，notthinkingofhappyoldtimes，forhersneverwerehappy；butsleeplesswithaches，andagues，andrheumatismofoldage。“Thegentlemangavemebrandy-and-water，“shesaid，heroldvoiceshakingwithraptureatthethought。IneverhadagreatloveforQueenCharlotte，butIlikeherbetternowfromwhatthisoldladytoldme。TheQueen，wholovedsnuffherself，hasleftalegacyofsnufftocertainpoorhouses；and，inherwatchfulnights，thisoldwomantakesapinchofQueenCharlotte\'ssnuff，“anditdocomfortme，sir，thatitdo！“Pulverisexiguimunus。Hereisaforlornagedcreature，shakingwithpalsy，withnosoulamongthegreatstrugglingmultitudeofmankindtocareforher，notquitetrampledoutoflife，butpastandforgottenintherush，madealittlehappy，andsoothedinherhoursofunrestbythispennylegacy。LetmethinkasIwrite。(Thenextmonth\'ssermon，thankgoodness！issafetopress。)ThisdiscoursewillappearattheseasonwhenIhavereadthatwassail-bowlsmaketheirappearance；attheseasonofpantomime，turkeyandsausages，plum-puddings，jollificationsforschoolboys；Christmasbills，andreminiscencesmoreorlesssadandsweetforelders。Ifweoldstersarenotmerry，weshallbehavingasemblanceofmerriment。Weshallseetheyoungfolkslaughingroundtheholly-bush。Weshallpassthebottleroundcosilyaswesitbythefire。Thatoldthingwillhaveasortoffestivaltoo。Beef，beer，andpuddingwillbeservedtoherforthatdayalso。ChristmasfallsonaThursday。Fridayistheworkhousedayforcomingout。Mary，rememberthatoldGoodyTwoshoeshasherinvitationforFriday，26thDecember！Ninetyisshe，pooroldsoul?Ah！whatabonnyfacetocatchunderamistletoe！“Yes，ninety，sir，“shesays，“andmymotherwasahundred，andmygrandmotherwasahundredandtwo。”
Herselfninety，hermotherahundred，hergrandmotherahundredandtwo?Whataqueercalculation！
Ninety！Verygood，granny:youwereborn，then，in1772。
Yourmother，wewillsay，wastwenty-sevenwhenyouwereborn，andwasbornthereforein1745。
Yourgrandmotherwasthirtywhenherdaughterwasborn，andwasbornthereforein17l5。
Wewillbeginwiththepresentgrannyfirst。Mygoodoldcreature，youcan\'tofcourseremember，butthatlittlegentlemanforwhomyourmotherwaslaundressintheTemplewastheingeniousMr。
