Whentheseogrescomeoutintotheworld，youdon\'tsupposetheyshowtheirknives，andtheirgreatteeth?Aneatsimplewhiteneck-
cloth，amerryratherobsequiousmanner，acadaverouslook，perhaps，nowandagain，andaratherdreadfulgrin；butIknowogresveryconsiderablyrespected:andwhenyouhinttosuchandsuchaman，“Mydearsir，Mr。Sharpus，whomyouappeartolike，is，Iassureyou，amostdreadfulcannibal；“thegentlemancries，“Oh，psha，nonsense！Daresaynotsoblackasheispainted。Daresaynotworsethanhisneighbors。”Wecondoneeverythinginthiscountry——
privatetreason，falsehood，flattery，crueltyathome，roguery，anddoubledealing。What！Doyoumeantosayinyouracquaintanceyoudon\'tknowogresguiltyofcountlesscrimesoffraudandforce，andthatknowingthemyoudon\'tshakehandswiththem；dinewiththematyourtable；andmeetthemattheirown?Dependuponit，inthetimewhentherewererealliveogresinrealcavernsorcastles，gobblinguprealknightsandvirgins，whentheywentintotheworld——theneighboringmarket-town，letussay，orearl\'scastle——thoughtheirnatureandreputationwereprettywellknown，theirnotoriousfoibleswereneveralludedto。Youwouldsay，“What，Blunderbore，myboy！Howdoyoudo?Howwellandfreshyoulook！What\'sthereceiptyouhaveforkeepingsoyoungandrosy?“AndyourwifewouldsoftlyaskafterMrs。Blunderboreandthedearchildren。Oritwouldbe，“MydearHumguffin！trythatpork。Itishome-bred，homefed，and，Ipromiseyou，tender。Tellmeifyouthinkitisasgoodasyours?John，aglassofBurgundytoColonelHumguffin！“
Youdon\'tsupposetherewouldbeanyunpleasantallusionstodisagreeablehome-reportsregardingHumguffin\'smanneroffurnishinghislarder?Isayweallofusknowogres。Weshakehandsanddinewithogres。Andifinconvenientmoraliststelluswearecowardsforourpains，weturnroundwithatuquoque，orsaythatwedon\'tmeddlewithotherfolk\'saffairs；thatpeoplearemuchlessblackthantheyarepainted，andsoon。What！Won\'thalfthecountygotoOgrehamCastle?Won\'tsomeoftheclergysaygraceatdinner?
Won\'tthemothersbringtheirdaughterstodancewiththeyoungRawheads?AndifLadyOgrehamhappenstodie——Iwon\'tsaytogothewayofallflesh，thatistoorevolting——IsayifOgrehamisawidower，doyouaver，onyourconscienceandhonor，thatmotherswillnotbefoundtooffertheiryounggirlstosupplythelamentedlady\'splace?Howstalethismisanthropyis！Somethingmusthavedisagreedwiththiscynic。Yes，mygoodwoman。Idaresayyouwouldliketocallanothersubject。Yes，myfinefellow；ogreathome，suppleasadancing-masterabroad，andshakinginthypumps，andwearingahorriblegrinofshamgayetytoconcealthyterror，lestIshouldpointtheeout:——thouartprosperousandhonored，artthou?Isaythouhastbeenatyrantandarobber。Thouhastplunderedthepoor。Thouhastbulliedtheweak。Thouhastlaidviolenthandsonthegoodsoftheinnocentandconfiding。Thouhastmadeapreyofthemeekandgentlewhoaskedforthyprotection。
Thouhastbeenhardtothykinsfolk，andcrueltothyfamily。Go，monster！Ah，whenshalllittleJackcomeanddrilldaylightthroughthywickedcannibalcarcass?Iseetheogrepasson，bowingrightandlefttothecompany；andhegivesadreadfulsidelongglanceofsuspicionasheistalkingtomylordbishopinthecornerthere。
Ogresinourdaysneednotbegiantsatall。Informertimes，andinchildren\'sbooks，whereitisnecessarytopaintyourmoralinsuchlargelettersthattherecanbenomistakeaboutit，ogresaremadewiththatenormousmouthandratelierwhichyouknowof，andwithwhichtheycanswallowdownababy，almostwithoutusingthatgreatknifewhichtheyalwayscarry。Theyaretoocunningnow-a-
days。Theygoaboutinsociety，slim，small，quietlydressed，andshowingnoespeciallygreatappetite。Inmyownyoungdaysthereusedtobeplayogres——menwhowoulddevourayoungfellowinonesitting，andleavehimwithoutabitoffleshonhisbones。Theywerequietgentlemanlike-lookingpeople。Theygottheyoungfellowintotheircave。Champagne，pate-de-foie-gras，andnumberlessgoodthings，werehandedabout；andthen，havingeaten，theyoungmanwasdevouredinhisturn。Ibelievethesecardanddiceogreshavediedawayalmostasentirelyasthehasty-puddinggiantswhomTomThumbovercame。Now，thereareogresinCitycourtswholureyouintotheirdens。AboutourCornishminesIamtoldtherearemanymostplausibleogres，whotemptyouintotheircavernsandpickyourbonesthere。Inacertainnewspaperthereusedtobelatelyawholecolumnofadvertisementsfromogreswhowouldputonthemostplausible，nay，piteousappearance，inordertoinveigletheirvictims。Youwouldread，“Atradesman，establishedforseventyyearsintheCity，andknown，andmuchrespectedbyMessrs。N。M。
RothschildandBaringBrothers，haspressingneedforthreepoundsuntilnextSaturday。Hecangivesecurityforhalfamillion，andfortythousandpoundswillbegivenfortheuseoftheloan，“andsoon；or，“Aninfluentialbodyofcapitalistsareabouttoestablishacompany，ofwhichthebusinesswillbeenormousandtheprofitsproportionatelyprodigious。TheywillrequireASECRETARY，ofgoodaddressandappearance，atasalaryoftwothousandperannum。Heneednotbeabletowrite，butaddressandmannersareabsolutelynecessary。Asamarkofconfidenceinthecompany，hewillhavetodeposit，“&c。；or，“Ayoungwidow(ofpleasingmannersandappearance)whohasapressingnecessityforfourpoundstenforthreeweeks，offersherErard\'sgrandpiano，valuedatthreehundredguineas；adiamondcrossofeighthundredpounds；andboardandlodginginherelegantvillanearBanburyCross，withthebestreferencesandsociety，inreturnfortheloan。”Isuspectthesepeopleareogres。Thereareogresandogres。Polyphemuswasagreat，tall，one-eyed，notoriousogre，fetchinghisvictimsoutofahole，andgobblingthemoneafteranother。Therecouldbenomistakeabouthim。ButsoweretheSirensogres——prettyblue-eyedthings，peepingatyoucoaxinglyfromoutofthewater，andsingingtheirmelodiouswheedles。Andthebonesroundtheircavesweremorenumerousthantheribs，skulls，andthigh-bonesroundthecavernofhulkingPolypheme。
Tothecastle-gatesofsomeofthesemonstersupridesthedapperchampionofthepen；puffsboldlyuponthehornwhichhangsbythechain；entersthehallresolutely，andchallengesthebigtyrantsulkingwithin。Wedefyhimtocombat，theenormousroaringruffian！Wegivehimameetingonthegreenplainbeforehiscastle。Green?Nowonderitshouldbegreen:itismanuredwithhumanbones。Afterafewgracefulwheelsandcurvets，wetakeourground。Westoopoveroursaddle。\'Tisbuttokissthelocketofourlady-love\'shair。Andnowthevizorisup:thelanceisinrest(Gillott\'sironisthepointforme)。AtouchofthespurinthegallantsidesofPegasus，andwegallopatthegreatbrute。
“Cutoffhisuglyhead，Flibbertygibbet，mysquire！“Andwhoarethesewhopouroutofthecastle?theimprisonedmaidens，themaltreatedwidows，thepooroldhoarygrandfathers，whohavebeenlockedupinthedungeonsthesescoresandscoresofyears，writhingunderthetyrannyofthatruffian！Ahyeknightsofthepen！Mayhonorbeyourshield，andtruthtipyourlances！Begentletoallgentlepeople。Bemodesttowomen。Betendertochildren。AndasfortheOgreHumbug，outsword，andhaveathim。
ONTWOROUNDABOUTPAPERSWHICHIINTENDEDTOWRITE。*
*Thefollowingpaperwaswrittenin1861，aftertheextraordinaryaffraybetweenMajorMurrayandthemoney-lenderinahouseinNorthumberlandStreet，Strand，andsubsequenttotheappearanceofM。DuChaillu\'sbookonGorillas。
Wehaveallheardofaplacepavedwithgoodintentions——aplacewhichItaketobeaverydismal，useless，andunsatisfactoryterminusformanypleasantthoughts，kindlyfancies，gentlewishes，merrylittlequipsandpranks，harmlessjokeswhichdieasitwerethemomentoftheirbirth。Poorlittlechildrenofthebrain！Hewasadrearytheologianwhohuddledyouundersuchamelancholycenotaph，andlaidyouinthevaultsundertheflagstonesofHades！
Itrustthatsomeofthebestactionswehaveallofuscommittedinourliveshavebeencommittedinfancy。Itisnotallwickednesswearethinking，quediable！SomeofourthoughtsarebadenoughI
grantyou。ManyaoneyouandIhavehadherebelow。Ahmercy，whatamonster！whatcrookedhorns！whatleeringeyes！whataflamingmouth！whatclovenfeet，andwhatahideouswrithingtail！
Oh，letusfalldownonourknees，repeatourmostpotentexorcisms，andovercomethebrute。Spreadyourblackpinions，fly——flytotheduskyrealmsofEblis，andburythyselfunderthepaving-stonesofhishall，darkgenie！ButALLthoughtsarenotso。No——no。Therearethepure:therearethekind:therearethegentle。Therearesweetunspokenthanksbeforeafairsceneofnature:atasun-
settingbelowaglorioussea:oramoonandahostofstarsshiningoverit:atabunchofchildrenplayinginthestreet，oragroupofflowersbythehedge-side，orabirdsingingthere。Atahundredmomentsoroccurrencesofthedaygoodthoughtspassthroughthemind，letustrust，whichneverarespoken；prayersaremadewhichneveraresaid；andTeDeumissungwithoutchurch，clerk，choristers，parson，ororgan。Why，there\'smyenemy:whogottheplaceIwanted；whomalignedmetothewomanIwantedtobewellwith；whosupplantedmeinthegoodgracesofmypatron。Idon\'tsayanythingaboutthematter:but，mypooroldenemy，inmysecretmindIhavemovementsofastendercharitytowardsyou，youoldscoundrel，aseverIhadwhenwewereboystogetheratschool。Youruffian！doyoufancyIforgetthatwewerefondofeachother?Wearestill。Weshareourtoffy；gohalvesatthetuck-shop；doeachother\'sexercises；prompteachotherwiththewordinconstruingorrepetition；andtellthemostfrightfulfibstopreventeachotherfrombeingfoundout。Wemeeteachotherinpublic。Wareafight！
Getthemintodifferentpartsoftheroom！Ourfriendshustleroundus。CapuletandMontaguearenotmoreatoddsthanthehousesofRoundaboutandWrightabout，letussay。Itis，“MydearMrs。
Buffer，dokindlyputyourselfinthechairbetweenthosetwomen！“
Or，“MydearWrightabout，willyoutakethatcharmingLadyBlancmangedowntosupper?Sheadoresyourpoems，andgavefiveshillingsforyourautographatthefancyfair。”InlikemannerthepeacemakersgatherroundRoundaboutonhispart；heiscarriedtoadistantcorner，andcoaxedoutofthewayoftheenemywithwhomheisatfeud。
WhenwemeetintheSquareatVerona，outflashrapiers，andwefallto。ButinhisprivatemindTybaltownsthatMercutiohasararewit，andMercutioissurethathisadversaryisagallantgentleman。
Lookattheamphitheatreyonder。Youdonotsupposethosegladiatorswhofoughtandperished，ashundredsofspectatorsinthatgrimCircusheldthumbsdown，andcried，“Kill，kill！“——youdonotsupposethecombatantsofnecessityhatedeachother?Nomorethanthecelebratedtrainedbandsofliterarysword-and-bucklermenhatetheadversarieswhomtheymeetinthearena。Theyengageatthegivensignal；feintandparry；slash，poke，ripeachotheropen，dismemberlimbs，andhewoffnoses:butinthewayofbusiness，and，Itrust，withmutualprivateesteem。Forinstance，IsalutethewarriorsoftheSuperfineCompanywiththehonorsdueamongwarriors。Here\'satyou，Spartacus，mylad。Ahit，Iacknowledge。
Apalpablehit！Ha！howdoyoulikethatpokeintheeyeinreturn?
Whenthetrumpetssingtruce，orthespectatorsaretired，webowtothenoblecompany:withdraw；andgetacoolglassofwineinourrendezvousdesbravesgladiateurs。
Bytheway，IsawthatamphitheatreofVeronaunderthestrangelightofalurideclipsesomeyearsago:andIhavebeenthereinspiritforthesetwentylinespast，underavastgustyawning，nowwithtwentythousandfellow-citizenslookingonfromthebenches，nowinthecircusitself，agrimgladiatorwithswordandnet，orameekmartyr——wasI?——broughtouttobegobbledupbythelions?orahuge，shaggy，tawnylionmyself，onwhomthedogsweregoingtobeset?WhatadayofexcitementIhavehadtobesure！ButImustgetawayfromVerona，orwhoknowshowmuchfarthertheRoundaboutPegasusmaycarryme?
Weweresaying，myMuse，beforewedroppedandperchedonearthforacoupleofsentences，thatourunsaidwordswereinsomelimboorother，asrealasthosewehaveuttered；thatthethoughtswhichhavepassedthroughourbrainsareasactualasanytowhichourtonguesandpenshavegivencurrency。Forinstance，besideswhatisherehintedat，IhavethoughteversomuchmoreaboutVerona:aboutanearlyChristianchurchIsawthere；aboutagreatdishofricewehadattheinn；aboutthebugsthere；abouteversomanymoredetailsofthatday\'sjourneyfromMilantoVenice；aboutLakeGarda，whichlayonthewayfromMilan，andsoforth。Isaywhatfinethingswehavethoughtof，haven\'twe，allofus?Ah，whatafinetragedythatwasIthoughtof，andneverwrote！OnthedayofthedinneroftheOystermongers\'Company，whatanoblespeechI
thoughtofinthecab，andbrokedown——Idon\'tmeanthecab，butthespeech。Ah，ifyoucouldbutreadsomeoftheunwrittenRoundaboutPapers，howyouwouldbeamused！Aha！myfriend，Icatchyousaying，“Well，then，IwishTHISwasunwrittenwithallmyheart。”
Verygood。Ioweyouone。Idoconfessahit，apalpablehit。
Onedayinthepastmonth，asIwasrecliningonthebenchofthought，withthatoceanTheTimesnewspaperspreadbeforeme，theoceancastupontheshoreatmyfeettwofamoussubjectsforRoundaboutPapers，andIpickedupthosewaifs，andtreasuredthemawayuntilIcouldpolishthemandbringthemtomarket。Thatschemeisnottobecarriedout。Ican\'twriteaboutthosesubjects。AndthoughIcannotwriteaboutthem，ImaysurelytellwhatarethesubjectsIamgoingNOTtowriteabout。
ThefirstwasthatNorthumberlandStreetencounter，whichallthepapershavenarrated。HaveanynovelistsofourdaysasceneandcatastrophemorestrangeandterriblethanthiswhichoccursatnoondaywithinafewyardsofthegreatestthoroughfareinEurope?
Atthetheatrestheyhaveanewnamefortheirmelodramaticpieces，andcallthem“SensationDramas。”WhatasensationDramathisis！
WhathavepeoplebeenflockingtoseeattheAdelphiTheatreforthelasthundredandfiftynights?Awomanpitchedoverboardoutofaboat，andacertainMilestakingatremendous“header，“andbringinghertoshore?Bagatelle！Whatisthiscomparedtothereallife-
drama，ofwhichamiddayrepresentationtakesplacejustoppositetheAdelphiinNorthumberlandStreet?ThebraveDumas，theintrepidAinsworth，theterribleEugeneSue，thecold-shudder-inspiring“WomaninWhite，“theastoundingauthorofthe“MysteriesoftheCourtofLondon，“neverinventedanythingmoretremendousthanthis。
Itmighthavehappenedtoyouandme。Wewanttoborrowalittlemoney。Wearedirectedtoanagent。Weproposeapecuniarytransactionatashortdate。Hegoesintothenextroom，aswefancy，togetthebank-notes，andreturnswith“twoverypretty，delicatelittleivory-handledpistols，“andblowsaportionofourheadsoff。Afterthis，whatistheuseofbeingsqueamishabouttheprobabilitiesandpossibilitiesinthewritingoffiction?YearsagoIremembermakingmerryoveraplayofDumas，calledKean，inwhichthe“Coal-HoleTavern“wasrepresentedontheThames，withafleetofpirate-shipsmooredalongside。Pirate-ships?Whynot?
WhatacavernofterrorwasthisinNorthumberlandStreet，withitssplendidfurniturecoveredwithdust，itsemptybottles，inthemidstofwhichsitsagrim“agent，“amusinghimselfbyfiringpistols，aimingattheunconsciousmantel-piece，orattheheadsofhiscustomers！
Afterthis，whatisnotpossible?ItispossibleHungerfordMarketismined，andwillexplodesomeday。Mindhowyougoinforapennyiceunawares。“Pray，stepthisway，“saysaquietpersonatthedoor。Youenter——intoabackroom:——aquietroom；ratheradarkroom。“Pray，takeyourplaceinachair。”Andshegoestofetchthepennyice。Malheureux！Thechairsinksdownwithyou——sinks，andsinks，andsinks——alargewetflannelsuddenlyenvelopesyourfaceandthrottlesyou。Needwesayanymore?AfterNorthumberlandStreet，whatisimprobable?SurelythereisnodifficultyincreditingBluebeard。Iwithdrawmylastmonth\'sopinionsaboutogres。Ogres?Whynot?IprotestIhaveseldomcontemplatedanythingmoreterriblyludicrousthanthis“agent“inthedingysplendorofhisden，surroundedbydustyormoluandpilesofemptybottles，firingpistolsforhisdiversionatthemantel-pieceuntilhisclientscomein！Ispistol-practicesocommoninNorthumberlandStreet，thatitpasseswithoutnoticeinthelodging-housesthere?
Wespakeanonofgoodthoughts。Aboutbadthoughts?IstheresomeNorthumberlandStreetchamberinyourheartandmine，friend:closetotheevery-daystreetoflifevisitedbydailyfriends:visitedbypeopleonbusiness；inwhichaffairsaretransacted；jokesareuttered；wineisdrunk；throughwhichpeoplecomeandgo；wivesandchildrenpass；andinwhichmurdersitsunseenuntiltheterriblemomentwhenherisesupandkills?Afarmer，say，hasagunoverthemantel-pieceinhisroomwherehesitsathisdailymealsandrest:caressinghischildren，jokingwithhisfriends，smokinghispipeinhiscalm。Onenightthegunistakendown:thefarmergoesout:anditisamurdererwhocomesbackandputsthepieceupanddrinksbythatfireside。Washeamurdereryesterdaywhenhewastossingthebabyonhisknee，andwhenhishandswereplayingwithhislittlegirl\'syellowhair?Yesterdaytherewasnobloodonthematall:theywereshakenbyhonestmen:havedonemanyakindactintheirtimeverylikely。Heleanshisheadononeofthem，thewifecomesinwithheranxiouslooksofwelcome，thechildrenareprattlingastheydidyesterdayroundthefather\'skneeatthefire，andCainissittingbytheembers，andAbelliesdeadonthemoor。
Thinkofthegulfbetweennowandyesterday。Oh，yesterday！Oh，thedayswhenthosetwolovedeachotherandsaidtheirprayerssidebyside！Hegoestosleep，perhaps，anddreamsthathisbrotherisalive。Betrue，Odream！Lethimliveindreams，andwakenomore。
Beundone，Ocrime，Ocrime！Butthesunrises:andtheofficersofconsciencecome:andyonderliesthebodyonthemoor。Ihappenedtopass，andlookedattheNorthumberlandStreethousetheotherday。Afewloiterersweregazingupatthedingywindows。Aplainordinaryfaceofahouseenough——andinachamberinitonemansuddenlyroseup，pistolinhand，toslaughteranother。Haveyoueverkilledanyoneinyourthoughts?Hasyourheartcompassedanyman\'sdeath?Inyourmind，haveyouevertakenabrandfromthealtar，andslainyourbrother?Howmanyplainordinaryfacesofmendowelookat，unknowingofmurderbehindthoseeyes?Luckyforyouandme，brother，thatwehavegoodthoughtsunspoken。Butthebadones?ItellyouthatthesightofthoseblankwindowsinNorthumberlandStreet——throughwhich，asitwere，mymindcouldpicturetheawfultragedyglimmeringbehind——setmethinking，“Mr。
Street-Preacher，hereisatextforoneofyourpavementsermons。
Butitistooglumandserious。Youeschewdarkthoughts:anddesiretobecheerfulandmerryinthemain。”And，suchbeingthecase，youseewemusthavenoRoundaboutEssayonthissubject。
Well，Ihadanotherarrowinmyquiver。(So，youknow，hadWilliamTellaboltforhisson，theappleofhiseye；andashaftforGessler，incaseWilliamcametoanytroublewiththefirstpoorlittletarget。)Andthis，Imusttellyou，wastohavebeenarareRoundaboutperformance——oneoftheverybestthathaseverappearedinthisseries。ItwastohavecontainedallthedeeppathosofAddison；thelogicalprecisionofRabelais；thechildlikeplayfulnessofSwift；themanlystoicismofSterne；themetaphysicaldepthofGoldsmith；theblushingmodestyofFielding；theepigrammatictersenessofWalterScott；theuproarioushumorofSamRichardson；andthegaysimplicityofSamJohnson；——itwastohavecombinedallthesequalities，withsomeexcellencesofmodernwriterswhomIcouldname:——butcircumstanceshaveoccurredwhichhaverenderedthisRoundaboutEssayalsoimpossible。
IhavenottheleastobjectiontotellyouwhatwastohavebeenthesubjectofthatotheradmirableRoundaboutPaper。Graciouspowers！
theDeanofSt。Patrick\'sneverhadabettertheme。ThepaperwastohavebeenontheGorillas，tobesure。Iwasgoingtoimaginemyselftobeayoungsurgeon-apprenticefromCharleston，inSouthCarolina，whoranawaytoCubaonaccountofunhappyfamilycircumstances，withwhichnobodyhastheleastconcern；whosailedthencetoAfricainalarge，roomyschoonerwithanextraordinaryvacantspacebetweendecks。Iwassubjecttodreadfulilltreatmentfromthefirstmateoftheship，who，whenIfoundshewasaslaver，altogetherdeclinedtoputmeonshore。Iwaschased——wewerechased——bythreeBritishfrigatesandaseventy-four，whichweengagedandcaptured；butwereobligedtoscuttleandsink，aswecouldselltheminnoAfricanport:andInevershallforgetthelookofmanlyresignation，combinedwithconsiderabledisgust，oftheBritishAdmiralashewalkedtheplank，aftercuttingoffhispigtail，whichhehandedtome，andwhichIstillhaveinchargeforhisfamilyatBoston，Lincolnshire，England。
WemadetheportofBpoopoo，attheconfluenceoftheBungoandSgglolorivers(whichyoumayseeinSwammerdahl\'smap)onthe31stAprillastyear。Ourpassagehadbeensoextraordinarilyrapid，owingtothecontinueddrunkennessofthecaptainandchiefofficers，bywhichIwasobligedtoworktheshipandtakeherincommand，thatwereachedBpoopoosixweeksbeforewewereexpected，andfivebeforethecoffresfromtheinteriorandfromthegreatslavedepotatZbabblowereexpected。Theirdelaycausedusnotalittlediscomfort，because，thoughwehadtakenthefourEnglishships，weknewthatSirByamMartin\'siron-casedsquadron，withthe“Warrior，“the“Impregnable，“the“Sanconiathon，“andthe“Berosus，“
werecruisingintheneighborhood，andmightprovetoomuchforus。
ItnotonlybecamenecessarytoquitBpoopoobeforethearrivaloftheBritishfleetortherainyseason，buttogetourpeopleonboardassoonasmightbe。Whilethechiefmate，withadetachmentofseamen，hurriedforwardtothePgogolake，whereweexpectedaconsiderablepartofourcargo，thesecondmate，withsixmen，fourchiefs，KingFbumbo，anObiman，andmyself，wentN。W。byW。，towardsKingMtoby\'stown，whereweknewmanyhundredsofourbetween-deckpassengersweretobegottogether。WewentdownthePdodoriver，shootingsnipes，ostriches，andrhinocerosinplenty，andIthinkafewelephants，until，bytheadviceofaguide，whoI
nowbelievewastreacherous，wewereinducedtoleavethePdodo，andmarchN。E。byN。N。HereLieutenantLarkins，whohadpersistedindrinkingrumfrommorningtonight，andthrashingmeinhissobermomentsduringthewholejourney，died，andIhavetoogoodreasontoknowwaseatenwithmuchrelishbythenatives。AtMgoo，wheretherearebarracoonsandadepotforourcargo，wehadnonewsofourexpectedfreight；accordingly，astimepressedexceedingly，partiesweredespatchedinadvancetowardsthegreatWashaboolake，bywhichthecaravansusuallycometowardsthecoast。Herewefoundnocaravan，butonlyfournegroesdownwiththeague，whomI
treated，Iamboundtosay，unsuccessfully，whilstwewaitedforourfriends。Weusedtotakewatchandwatchinfrontoftheplace，bothtoguardourselvesfromattack，andgetearlynewsoftheapproachingcaravan。
Atlast，onthe23rdSeptember，asIwasinadvancewithCharlesRogers，secondmate，andtwonativeswithbowsandarrows，wewerecrossingagreatplainskirtedbyaforest，whenwesawemergingfromaravinewhatItooktobethreenegroes——averytallone，oneofamoderatesize，andonequitelittle。
Ournativeguideshriekedoutsomewordsintheirlanguage，ofwhichCharlesRogersknewsomething。Ithoughtitwastheadvanceofthenegroeswhomweexpected。“No！“saidRogers(whosworedreadfullyinconversation)，“itistheGorillas！“Andhefiredbothbarrelsofhisgun，bringingdownthelittleonefirst，andthefemaleafterwards。
Themale，whowasuntouched，gaveahowlthatyoumighthaveheardaleagueoff；advancedtowardsusasifhewouldattackus，andthenturnedandranawaywithinconceivableceleritytowardsthewood。
Wewentuptowardsthefallenbrutes。Thelittleonebythefemaleappearedtobeabouttwoyearsold。Itlaybleatingandmoaningontheground，stretchingoutitslittlehands，withmovementsandlookssostrangelyresemblinghuman，thatmyheartsickenedwithpity。Thefemale，whohadbeenshotthroughbothlegs，couldnotmove。ShehowledmosthideouslywhenIapproachedthelittleone。
“Wemustbeoff，“saidRogers，“orthewholeGorillaracemaybedownuponus。”“Thelittleoneisonlyshotintheleg，“Isaid。
“I\'llbindthelimbup，andwewillcarrythebeastwithusonboard。”
Thepoorlittlewretchheldupitslegtoshowitwaswounded，andlookedtomewithappealingeyes。ItlayquitestillwhilstI
lookedforandfoundthebullet，and，tearingoffapieceofmyshirt，bandagedupthewound。Iwassooccupiedinthisbusiness，thatIhardlyheardRogerscry“Run！run！“andwhenIlookedup——
WhenIlookedup，witharoarthemosthorribleIeverheard——aroar?tenthousandroars——awhirlingarmyofdarkbeingsrushedbyme。Rogers，whohadbulliedmesofrightfullyduringthevoyage，andwhohadencouragedmyfatalpassionforplay，sothatIownI
owedhim1，500dollars，wasovertaken，felled，brained，andtornintotenthousandpieces；andIdaresaythesamefatewouldhavefallenonme，butthatthelittleGorilla，whosewoundIhaddressed，flungitsarmsroundmyneck(theirarms，youknow，aremuchlongerthanours)。AndwhenanimmensegrayGorilla，withhardlyanyteeth，brandishingthetrunkofagollyboshtreeaboutsixteenfeetlong，cameuptomeroaring，thelittleonesqueakedoutsomethingplaintive，which，ofcourse，Icouldnotunderstand；
onwhichsuddenlythemonsterflungdownhistree，squatteddownonhishugehamsbythesideofthelittlepatient，andbegantobellowandweep。
Andnow，doyouseewhomIhadrescued?IhadrescuedtheyoungPrinceoftheGorillas，whowasoutwalkingwithhisnurseandfootman。Thefootmanhadrunofftoalarmhismaster，andcertainlyIneversawafootmanrunquicker。ThewholearmyofGorillasrushedforwardtorescuetheirprince，andpunishhisenemies。IftheKingGorilla\'semotionwasgreat，fancywhatthequeen\'smusthavebeenwhenSHEcameup！Shearrived，onalitter，neatlyenoughmadewithwattledbranches，onwhichshelay，withheryoungestchild，aprinceofthreeweeksold。
Mylittleprotegewiththewoundedleg，stillpersistedinhuggingmewithitsarms(IthinkImentionedthattheyarelongerthanthoseofmeningeneral)，andasthepoorlittlebrutewasimmenselyheavy，andtheGorillasgoataprodigiouspace，alitterwasmadeforuslikewise；andmythirstmuchrefreshedbyafootman(thesamedomesticwhohadgiventhealarm)runninghandoverhandupacocoanut-tree，tearingtherindsoff，breakingtheshellonhishead，andhandingmethefreshmilkinitscup。Mylittlepatientpartookofalittle，stretchingoutitsdearlittleunwoundedfoot，withwhich，orwithitshand，aGorillacanhelpitselfindiscriminately。RelaysoflargeGorillasrelievedeachotheratthelittersatintervalsoftwentyminutes，asIcalculatedbymywatch，oneofJonesandBates\'s，ofBoston，Mass。，thoughIhavebeenunabletothisdaytoascertainhowtheseanimalscalculatetimewithsuchsurprisingaccuracy。Wesleptforthatnightunder——
Andnow，yousee，wearriveatreallythemostinterestingpartofmytravelsinthecountrywhichIintendedtovisit，viz。themannersandhabitsoftheGorillaschezeux。Igivetheheadsofthisnarrativeonly，thefullaccountbeingsuppressedforareasonwhichshallpresentlybegiven。Theheads，then，ofthechapters，arebrieflyasfollows:——
Theauthor\'sarrivalintheGorillacountry。Itsgeographicalposition。Lodgingsassignedtohimupagum-tree。Constantattachmentofthelittleprince。Hisroyalhighness\'sgratitude。
Anecdotesofhiswit，playfulness，andextraordinaryprecocity。AmofferedaportionofpoorLarkinsformysupper，butdeclinewithhorror。Footmanbringsmeayoungcrocodile:fishybutverypalatable。Oldcrocodilestootough:dittorhinoceros。Visitthequeenmother——anenormousoldGorilla，quitewhite。Prescribeforhermajesty。MeetingofGorillasatwhatappearsaparliamentamongstthem:presidedoverbyoldGorillaincocoanut-fibrewig。
Theirsports。Theircustoms。Aprivilegedclassamongstthem。
ExtraordinarylikenessofGorillastopeopleathome，bothatCharleston，S。C。，mynativeplace；andLondon，England，whichI
havevisited。Flat-nosedGorillasandblue-nosedGorillas；theirhatred，andwarsbetweenthem。Inapartofthecountry(itsgeographicalpositiondescribed)IseeseveralnegroesunderGorilladomination。Welltreatedbytheirmasters。Frog-eatingGorillasacrosstheSaltLake。Bull-headedGorillas——theirmutualhostility。
GreenIslandGorillas。MorequarrelsomethantheBull-heads，andhowlmuchlouder。Iamcalledtoattendoneoftheprincesses。
EvidentpartialityofH。R。H。forme。Jealousyandrageoflargered-headedGorilla。HowshallIescape?
Ay，howindeed?Doyouwishtoknow?Isyourcuriosityexcited?
Well，IDOknowhowIescaped。Icouldtellthemostextraordinaryadventuresthathappenedtome。Icouldshowyouresemblancestopeopleathome，thatwouldmakethembluewithrageandyoucrackyoursideswithlaughter……AndwhatisthereasonIcannotwritethispaper，havingallthefactsbeforeme?Thereasonis，thatwalkingdownSt。JamesStreetyesterday，Imetafriendwhosaystome，“Roundaboutmyboy，haveyouseenyourpicture?Hereitis！“Andhepullsoutaportrait，executedinphotography，ofyourhumbleservant，asanimmenseandmostunpleasant-featuredbaboon，withlonghairyhands，andcalledbythewaggishartist“ALiteraryGorilla。”Ohorror！AndnowyouseewhyIcan\'tplayoffthisjokemyself，andmoralizeonthefable，asithasbeennarratedalreadyDEME。
AMISSISSIPPIBUBBLE。
Thisgroupofduskychildrenofthecaptivityiscopiedoutofalittlesketch-bookwhichIcarriedinmanyaroundaboutjourney，andwillpointamoralaswellasanyothersketchinthevolume。
Yonderdrawing*wasmadeinacountrywheretherewassuchhospitality，friendship，kindnessshowntothehumbledesigner，thathiseyesdonotcaretolookoutforfaults，orhispentonotethem。Howtheysang；howtheylaughedandgrinned；howtheyscraped，bowed，andcomplimentedyouandeachother，thosenegroesofthecitiesoftheSouthernpartsofthethenUnitedStates！Mybusinesskeptmeinthetowns；Iwasbutinonenegro-plantationvillage，andtherewereonlywomenandlittlechildren，themenbeingouta-field。Buttherewasplentyofcheerfulnessinthehuts，underthegreattrees——IspeakofwhatIsaw——andamidsttheduskybondsmenofthecities。Iwitnessedacuriousgayety；heardamongsttheblackfolkendlesssinging，shouting，andlaughter；andsawonholidaysblackgentlemenandladiesarrayedinsuchsplendorandcomfortasfreebornworkmeninourtownsseldomexhibit。Whatagrinandbowthatdarkgentlemanperformed，whowastheporteratthecolonel\'s，whenhesaid，“Youwriteyourname，mas\'r，elseI
willforgot。”Iamnotgoingintotheslaveryquestion，Iamnotanadvocatefor“theinstitution，“asIknow，madam，bythatangrytossofyourhead，youareabouttodeclaremetobe。Fordomesticpurposes，mydearlady，itseemedtomeaboutthedearestinstitutionthatcanbedevised。InahouseinaSoutherncityyouwillfindfifteennegroesdoingtheworkwhichJohn，thecook，thehousemaid，andthehelp，doperfectlyinyourowncomfortableLondonhouse。Andthesefifteennegroesarethepickofafamilyofsomeeightyorninety。Twentyaretoosick，ortoooldforwork，letussay:twentytooclumsy:twentyaretooyoung，andhavetobenursedandwatchedbytenmore。**Andmasterhastomaintaintheimmensecrewtodotheworkofhalfadozenwillinghands。No，no；letMitchell，theexilefrompoordearenslavedIreland，wishforagangof“fatniggers；“IwouldassoonyoushouldmakemeapresentofascoreofBengalelephants，whenIneedbutasinglestouthorsetopullmybrougham。
*Thisreferstoanillustratededitionofthework。】】
**ThiswasanaccountgivenbyagentlemanatRichmondofhisestablishment。SixEuropeanservantswouldhavekepthishouseandstableswell。“Hisfarm，“hesaid，“barelysufficedtomaintainthenegroesresidingonit。”
Howhospitabletheywere，thoseSouthernmen！IntheNorthitselfthewelcomewasnotkinder，asI，whohaveeatenNorthernandSouthernsalt，cantestify。AsforNewOrleans，inspring-time，——
justwhentheorchardswereflushingoverwithpeach-blossoms，andthesweetherbscametoflavorthejuleps——itseemedtomethecityoftheworldwhereyoucaneatanddrinkthemostandsuffertheleast。AtBordeauxitself，claretisnotbettertodrinkthanatNewOrleans。Itwasallgood——believeanexpertRobert——fromthehalf-dollarMedocofthepublichoteltable，totheprivategentleman\'schoicestwine。Claretis，somehow，goodinthatgiftedplaceatdinner，atsupper，andatbreakfastinthemorning。Itisgood:itissuperabundant——andthereisnothingtopay。Findmespeakingillofsuchacountry！WhenIdo，ponemepigriscampis:
smothermeinadesert，orletMississippiorGaronnedrownme！AtthatcomfortabletavernonPontchartrainwehadabouillabaissethanwhichabetterwasnevereatenatMarseilles:andnottheleastheadacheinthemorning，Igiveyoumyword；onthecontrary，youonlywakewithasweetrefreshingthirstforclaretandwater。Theysaythereisfeverthereintheautumn:butnotinthespring-time，whenthepeach-blossomsblushovertheorchards，andthesweetherbscometoflavorthejuleps。
IwasboundfromNewOrleanstoSaintLouis；andourwalkwasconstantlyontheLevee，whencewecouldseeahundredofthosehugewhiteMississippisteamersattheirmooringsintheriver:“Look，“
saidmyfriendLochlomondtome，aswestoodonedayonthequay——
“lookatthatpost！Lookatthatcoffee-housebehindit！Sir，lastyearasteamerblewupintheriveryonder，justwhereyouseethosemenpullingoffintheboat。Bythatpostwhereyouarestandingamulewascutintwobyafragmentoftheburstmachinery，andabitofthechimney-stoveinthatfirst-floorwindowofthecoffee-house，killedanegrowhowascleaningknivesinthetop-room！“Ilookedatthepost，atthecoffee-housewindow，atthesteamerinwhichI
wasgoingtoembark，atmyfriend，withapleasinginterestnotdivestedofmelancholy。Yesterday，itwasthemule，thinksI，whowascutintwo:itmaybecrasmihi。Why，inthesamelittlesketch-book，thereisadrawingofanAlabamariversteamerwhichblewupontheverynextvoyageafterthatinwhichyourhumbleservantwasonboard！HadIbutwaitedanotherweek，Imighthave……Theseincidentsgiveaqueerzesttothevoyagedownthelife-streaminAmerica。Whenourhuge，tall，white，pasteboardcastleofasteamerbegantoworkupstream，everylimbinhercreaked，andgroaned，andquivered，sothatyoumightfancyshewouldburstrightoff。Wouldsheholdtogether，orwouldshesplitintotenmillionofshivers?Omyhomeandchildren！Wouldyourhumbleservant\'sbodybecutintwoacrossyonderchainontheLevee，orbeprecipitatedintoyonderfirst-floor，soastodamagethechestofablackmancleaningbootsatthewindow?Theblackmanissafeforme，thankgoodness。Butyouseethelittleaccidentmighthavehappened。Ithashappened；andiftoamule，whynottoamoredocileanimal?OnourjourneyuptheMississippi，Igiveyoumyhonorwewereonfirethreetimes，andburnedourcook-roomdown。
Thedeckatnightwasagreatfirework——thechimneyspoutedmyriadsofstars，whichfellblackeningonourgarments，sparklingontothedeck，orgleamingintothemightystreamthroughwhichwelabored——
themightyyellowstreamwithallitssnags。
HowIkeptupmycouragethroughthesedangersshallnowbenarrated。Theexcellentlandlordofthe“SaintCharlesHotel，“whenIwasgoingaway，beggedmetoaccepttwobottlesoftheveryfinestCognac，withhiscompliments；andIfoundtheminmystate-roomwithmyluggage。Lochlomondcametoseemeoff，andashesqueezedmyhandatparting，“Roundabout，“sayshe，“thewinemayn\'tbeverygoodonboard，soIhavebroughtadozen-caseoftheMedocwhichyouliked；“andwegraspedtogetherthehandsoffriendshipandfarewell。Whoseboatisthispullinguptotheship?ItisourfriendGlenlivat，whogaveusthedinneronLakePontchartrain。
“Roundabout，“sayshe，“wehavetriedtodowhatwecouldforyou，myboy；andithasbeendonedeboncoeur“(Idetectakindtremulousnessinthegoodfellow\'svoiceashespeaks)。“Isay——
hem！——thea——thewineisn\'ttoogoodonboard，soI\'vebroughtyouadozenofMedocforyourvoyage，youknow。AndGodblessyou；andwhenIcometoLondoninMayIshallcomeandseeyou。Hallo！
here\'sJohnsoncometoseeyouoff，too！“
AsIamamiserablesinner，whenJohnsongraspedmyhand，hesaid，“Mr。Roundabout，youcan\'tbesureofthewineonboardthesesteamers，soIthoughtIwouldbringyoualittlecaseofthatlightclaretwhichyoulikedatmyhouse。”Etdetrois！NowonderI
couldfacetheMississippiwithsomuchcouragesuppliedtome！
Whereareyou，honestfriends，whogavemeofyourkindnessandyourcheer?MayIbeconsiderablyboiled，blownup，andsnagged，ifI
speakhardwordsofyou。MayclaretturnsourereIdo！
Mountingthestreamitchancedthatwehadveryfewpassengers。HowfaristhefamouscityofMemphisfromNewOrleans?IdonotmeantheEgyptianMemphis，buttheAmericanMemphis，fromwhichtotheAmericanCairoweslowlytoileduptheriver——totheAmericanCairoattheconfluenceoftheOhioandMississippirivers。AndatCairowepartedcompanyfromtheboat，andfromsomefamousandgiftedfellow-passengerswhojoinedusatMemphis，andwhosepictureswehadseeninmanycitiesoftheSouth。Idonotgivethenamesoftheseremarkablepeople，unless，bysomewondrouschance，ininventinganameIshouldlightuponthatrealonewhichsomeofthembore；butifyoupleaseIwillsaythatourfellow-passengerswhomwetookinatMemphiswerenolesspersonagesthantheVermontGiantandthefamousBeardedLadyofKentuckyandherson。TheirpicturesIhadseeninmanycitiesthroughwhichItravelledwithmyownlittleperformance。IthinktheVermontGiantwasatrifletallerinhispicturesthanhewasinlife(beingrepresentedintheformeras，atleast，sometwostorieshigh):butthelady\'sprodigiousbeardreceivednomorethanjusticeatthehandsofthepainter；thatportionofitwhichIsawbeingreallymostblack，rich，andcurly——Isaytheportionofbeard，forthismodestorprudentwomankeptIdon\'tknowhowmuchofthebeardcoveredupwitharedhandkerchief，fromwhichIsupposeitonlyemergedwhenshewenttobed，orwhensheexhibiteditprofessionally。
TheGiant，Imustthink，wasanoverratedgiant。Ihaveknowngentlemen，notintheprofession，bettermade，andIshouldsaytaller，thantheVermontgentleman。AstrangefeelingIusedtohaveatmeals；when，onlookingroundourlittlesociety，IsawtheGiant，theBeardedLadyofKentucky，thelittleBeardedBoyofthreeyearsold，theCaptain，(thisITHINK；butatthisdistanceoftimeIwouldnotliketomakethestatementonaffidavit，)andthethreeotherpassengers，allwiththeirknivesintheirmouthsmakingplayatthedinner——astrangefeelingIsayitwas，andasthoughIwasinacastleofogres。But，afterall，whysosqueamish?Afewscoresofyearsback，thefinestgentlemenandladiesofEuropedidthelike。Belindaatewithherknife；andSaccharissahadonlythatweapon，oratwo-prongedfork，oraspoon，forherpease。HaveyoueverlookedatGilray\'sprintofthePrinceofWales，alanguidvoluptuary，retiringafterhismeal，andnotedthetoothpickwhichheuses?……Youareright，madam；Iownthatthesubjectisrevoltingandterrible。Iwillnotpursueit。Only——allowthatagentleman，inashakysteamboat，onadangerousriver，inafar-offcountry，whichcaughtfirethreetimesduringthevoyage——(ofcourseImeanthesteamboat，notthecountry，)——seeingagiant，avoracioussupercargo，abeardedlady，andalittleboy，notthreeyearsofage，withachinalreadyquiteblackandcurly，allplyingtheirvictualsdowntheirthroatswiththeirknives——allow，madam，thatinsuchacompanyamanhadarighttofeelalittlenervous。Idon\'tknowwhetheryouhaveeverremarkedtheIndianjugglersswallowingtheirknives，orseen，asIhave，awholetableofpeopleperformingthesametrick，butifyoulookattheireyeswhentheydoit，I
assureyouthereisarollinthemwhichisdreadful。
Apartfromthisusage，whichtheypractiseincommonwithmanythousandmostestimablecitizens，theVermontgentleman，andtheKentuckywhiskeredlady——ordidIsaythereverse?——whicheveryoulikemydearsir——werequitequiet，modest，unassumingpeople。Shesatworkingwithherneedle，ifIrememberright。He，Isuppose，sleptinthegreatcabin，whichwasseventyfeetlongattheleast，nor，Iamboundtosay，didIhearinthenightanysnoresorroars，suchasyouwouldfancyoughttoaccompanythesleepofogres。Nay，thisgianthadquiteasmallappetite，(unless，tobesure，hewentforwardandateasheeportwoinprivatewithhishorridknife——oh，thedreadfulthought！——butINPUBLIC，Isay，hehadquiteadelicateappetite，)andwasalsoatea-totaler。Idon\'tremembertohaveheardthelady\'svoice，thoughImight，notunnaturally，havebeencurioustohearit。Washervoiceadeep，rich，magnificentbass；
orwasitsoft，fluty，andmild?Ishallneverknownow。Evenifshecomestothiscountry，Ishallnevergoandseeher。IHAVE
seenher，andfornothing。
Youwouldhavefanciedthat，asafterallwewereonlysomehalf-
dozenonboard，shemighthavedispensedwithherredhandkerchief，andtalked，andeatenherdinnerincomfort:butincoveringherchintherewasakindofmodesty。Thatbeardwasherprofession:
thatbeardbroughtthepublictoseeher:outofherbusinessshewishedtoputthatbeardasideasitwere:asabarristerwouldwishtoputoffhiswig。Iknowsomewhocarrytheirsintoprivatelife，andwhomistakeyouandmeforjury-boxeswhentheyaddressus:butthesearenotyourmodestbarristers，notyourtruegentlemen。
Well，IownIrespectedtheladyforthemodestywithwhich，herpublicbusinessover，sheretiredintoprivatelife。Sherespectedherlife，andherbeard。Thatbeardhavingdoneitsday\'swork，sheputsitawayinherhandkerchief；andbecomes，asfarasinherlies，aprivateordinaryperson。Allpublicmenandwomenofgoodsense，Ishouldthink，havethismodesty。When，forinstance，inmysmallway，poorMrs。Browncomessimperinguptome，withheralbuminonehand，apenintheother，andsays，“Ho，ho，dearMr。
Roundabout，writeusoneofyouramusing，“&c。&c。，mybearddropsbehindmyhandkerchiefinstantly。WhyamItowagmychinandgrinforMrs。Brown\'sgoodpleasure?Mydearmadam，Ihavebeenmakingfacesallday。Itismyprofession。Idomycomicbusinesswiththegreatestpains，seriousness，andtrouble:andwithitmake，I
hope，anotdishonestlivelihood。IfyouaskMons。Blondintotea，youdon\'thavearopestretchedfromyourgarretwindowtotheoppositesideofthesquare，andrequestMonsieurtotakehisteaoutonthecentreoftherope?Ilaymyhandonthiswaistcoat，anddeclarethatnotonceinthecourseofourvoyagetogetherdidI
allowtheKentuckyGianttosupposeIwasspeculatingonhisstature，ortheBeardedLadytosurmisethatIwishedtopeepunderthehandkerchiefwhichmuffledthelowerpartofherface。“Andthemorefoolyou，“sayssomecynic。(Faugh，thosecynics，Ihate\'em！)
Don\'tyouknow，sir，thatamanofgeniusispleasedtohavehisgeniusrecognized；thatabeautylikestobeadmired；thatanactorlikestobeapplauded；thatstoutoldWellingtonhimselfwaspleased，andsmiledwhenthepeoplecheeredhimashepassed?
Supposeyouhadpaidsomerespectfulcomplimenttothatlady?
Supposeyouhadaskedthatgiant，if，foronce，hewouldtakeanythingattheliquor-bar?youmighthavelearnedagreatdealofcuriousknowledgeregardinggiantsandbeardedladies，aboutwhomyouevidentlynowknowverylittle。Therewasthatlittleboyofthreeyearsold，withafinebeardalready，andhislittlelegsandarms，asseenoutofhislittlefrock，coveredwithadarkdown。
Whataqueerlittlecaperingsatyr！Hewasquitegood-natured，childish，rathersolemn。HehadalittleNorvaldress，Iremember:
thedrollestlittleNorval。
IhavesaidtheB。L。hadanotherchild。Nowthiswasalittlegirlofsomesixyearsold，asfairandassmoothofskin，dearmadam，asyourowndarlingcherubs。Shewanderedaboutthegreatcabinquitemelancholy。Nooneseemedtocareforher。AllthefamilyaffectionswerecentredonMasterEsauyonder。Hislittlebeardwasbeginningtobealittlefortunealready，whereasMissRosalbawasofnogoodtothefamily。NoonewouldpayacenttoseeHERlittlefairface。Nowonderthepoorlittlemaidwasmelancholy。AsI
lookedather，Iseemedtowalkmoreandmoreinafairytale，andmoreandmoreinacavernofogres。Wasthisalittlefondlingwhomtheyhadpickedupinsomeforest，whereliethepickedbonesofthequeen，hertendermother，andthetougholddefunctmonarch，herfather?No。Doubtlesstheywerequitegood-naturedpeople，these。
Idon\'tbelievetheywereunkindtothelittlegirlwithoutthemoustaches。Itmayhavebeenonlymyfancythatsherepinedbecauseshehadacheeknomorebeardedthanarose\'s。
Wouldyouwishyourowndaughter，madam，tohaveasmoothcheek，amodestair，andagentlefemininebehavior，ortobe——Iwon\'tsayawhiskeredprodigy，likethisBeardedLadyofKentucky——butamasculinewonder，avirago，afemalepersonageofmorethanfemalestrength，courage，wisdom?Someauthors，whoshallbenameless，are，Iknow，accusedofdepictingthemostfeeble，brainless，namby-
pambyheroines，foreverwhimperingtearsandprattlingcommonplaces。
YOUwouldhavetheheroineofyournovelsobeautifulthatsheshouldcharmthecaptain(orhero，whoeverhemaybe)withherappearance；surpriseandconfoundthebishopwithherlearning；
outridethesquireandgetthebrush，and，whenhefellfromhishorse，whipoutalancetandbleedhim；rescuefromfeveranddeaththepoorcottager\'sfamilywhomthedoctorhadgivenup；make21atthebuttswiththerifle，whenthepoorcaptainonlyscored18；givehimtwentyinfiftyatbilliardsandbeathim；anddrawtearsfromtheprofessionalItalianpeoplebyherexquisiteperformance(ofvoiceandvioloncello)intheevening；——Isay，ifanovelistwouldbepopularwithladies——thegreatnovel-readersoftheworld——thisisthesortofheroinewhowouldcarryhimthroughhalfadozeneditions。SupposeIhadaskedthatBeardedLadytosing?Confess，now，miss，youwouldnothavebeendispleasedifIhadtoldyouthatshehadavoicelikeLablache，onlyeversomuchlower。
Mydear，youwouldliketobeaheroine?Youwouldliketotravelintriumphalcaravans；toseeyoureffigyplacardedoncitywalls；
tohaveyourleveesattendedbyadmiringcrowds，allcryingout，“Wasthereeversuchawonderofawoman?“Youwouldlikeadmiration?Considerthetaxyoupayforit。Youwouldbealonewereyoueminent。WereyousodistinguishedfromyourneighborsI
willnotsaybyabeardandwhiskers，thatwereodious——butbyagreatandremarkableintellectualsuperiority——wouldyou，doyouthink，beanythehappier?Considerenvy。Considersolitude。
ConsiderthejealousyandtortureofmindwhichthisKentuckyladymustfeel，supposesheshouldhearthatthereis，letussay，aMissouriprodigy，withabeardlargerthanhers?Considerhowsheisseparatedfromherkindbythepossessionofthatwonderofabeard?Whenthatbeardgrowsgray，howlonelyshewillbe，thepooroldthing！Ifitfallsoff，thepublicadmirationfallsofftoo；
andhowshewillmissit——thecomplimentsofthetrumpeters，theadmirationofthecrowd，thegildedprogressofthecar。Iseeanoldwomanaloneinadecrepitoldcaravan，withcobwebsontheknocker，withablisteredensignflappingidlyoverthedoor。Wouldyouliketobethatdesertedperson?Ah，Chloe！Tobegood，tobesimple，tobemodest，tobeloved，bethylot。Bethankfulthouartnottaller，norstronger，norricher，norwiserthantherestoftheworld！
ONLETTS\'SDIARY。
MineisoneofyourNo。12diaries，threeshillingsclothboards；
silklimp，giltedges，three-and-six；Frenchmorocco，tuckditto，four-and-six。Ithastwopages，ruledwithfaintlinesformemoranda，foreveryweek，andaruledaccountattheend，forthetwelvemonthsfromJanuarytoDecember，whereyoumaysetdownyourincomingsandyourexpenses。Ihopeyours，myrespectedreader，arelarge；thattherearemanyfineroundsumsoffiguresoneachsideofthepage:liberalontheexpenditureside，greaterstillonthereceipt。Ihope，sir，youwillbe“abetterman，“astheysay，in\'62thaninthismoribund\'61，whosecareeroflifeisjustcomingtoitsterminus。Abettermaninpurse?inbody?insoul\'shealth?
Amen，goodsir，inall。Whoistheresogoodinmind，bodyorestate，butbetteringwon\'tstillbegoodforhim?OunknownFate，presidingovernextyear，ifyouwillgivemebetterhealth，abetterappetite，abetterdigestion，abetterincome，abettertemperin\'62thanyouhavebestowedin\'61，Ithinkyourservantwillbethebetterforthechanges。Forinstance，Ishouldbethebetterforanewcoat。Thisone，Iacknowledge，isveryold。Thefamilysaysso。Mygoodfriend，whoamongstuswouldnotbethebetterifhewouldgiveupsomeoldhabits?Yes，yes。Youagreewithme。Youtaketheallegory?Alas！atourtimeoflifewedon\'tliketogiveupthoseoldhabits，dowe?Itisilltochange。
Thereisthegoodoldloose，easy，slovenlybedgown，laziness，forexample。Whatmanofsenselikestoflingitoffandputonatightguindeprimdress-coatthatpincheshim?Thereisthecozywraprascal，self-indulgence——howeasyitis！Howwarm！Howitalwaysseemstofit！Youcanwalkoutinit；youcangodowntodinnerinit。YoucansayofsuchwhatTullysaysofhisbooks:
Pernoctatnobiscum，peregrinatur，rusticatur。Itisalittleslatternly——itisagooddealstained——itisn\'tbecoming——itsmellsofcigar-smoke；but，allonsdonc！lettheworldcallmeidleandsloven。Ilovemyeasebetterthanmyneighbor\'sopinion。Ilivetopleasemyself；notyou，Mr。Dandy，withyoursuperciliousairs。
Iamaphilosopher。PerhapsIliveinmytub，anddon\'tmakeanyotheruseofit。Wewon\'tpursuefurtherthisunsavorymetaphor；
but，withregardtosomeofyouroldhabitsletussay——
1。Thehabitofbeingcensorious，andspeakingillofyourneighbors。
2。Thehabitofgettingintoapassionwithyourman-servant，yourmaid-servant，yourdaughter，wife，&c。
3。Thehabitofindulgingtoomuchattable。
4。Thehabitofsmokinginthedining-roomafterdinner。
5。Thehabitofspendinginsanesumsofmoneyinbric-a-brac，tallcopies，binding，Elzevirs，&c。；\'20Port，outrageouslyfinehorses，ostentatiousentertainments，andwhatnot?or，6。Thehabitofscrewingmeanly，whenrich，andchucklingoverthesavingofhalfacrown，whilstyouarepoisoningyourfriendsandfamilywithbadwine。
7。Thehabitofgoingtosleepimmediatelyafterdinner，insteadofcheerfullyentertainingMrs。Jonesandthefamily:or，8。LADIES！Thehabitofrunningupbillswiththemilliners，andswindlingpaterfamiliasonthehousebills。
9。Thehabitofkeepinghimwaitingforbreakfast。
10。ThehabitofsneeringatMrs。BrownandtheMissBrowns，becausetheyarenotquitedumonde，orquitesogenteelasLadySmith。
11。Thehabitofkeepingyourwretchedfatherupatballstillfiveo\'clockinthemorning，whenhehastobeathisofficeateleven。
12。Thehabitoffightingwitheachother，dearLouisa，Jane，Arabella，Amelia。
13。ThehabitofALWAYSorderingJohnCoachman，three-quartersofanhourbeforeyouwanthim。
SUCHhabits，Isay，sirormadam，ifyouhavehadtonoteinyourdiaryof\'61，Ihavenottheslightestdoubtyouwillenterinyourpocket-bookof\'62。TherearehabitsNos。4and7，forexample。I
ammorallysurethatsomeofuswillnotgiveupthosebadcustoms，thoughthewomencryoutandgrumble，andscoldeversojustly。
TherearehabitsNos。9and13。Ifeelperfectlycertain，mydearyoungladies，thatyouwillcontinuetokeepJohnCoachmanwaiting；
thatyouwillcontinuetogivethemostsatisfactoryreasonsforkeepinghimwaiting:andasfor(9)，youwillshowthatyouonce(onthe1stofAprillast，letussay，)cametobreakfastfirst，andthatyouareALWAYSfirstinconsequence。
Yes；inour\'62diaries，Ifearwemayallofusmakesomeofthe\'61entries。ThereismyfriendFreehand，forinstance。(Aha！
MasterFreehand，howyouwilllaughtofindyourselfhere！)F。isinthehabitofspendingalittle，eversolittle，morethanhisincome。HeshowsyouhowMrs。Freehandworks，andworks(andindeedJackFreehand，ifyousaysheisanangel，youdon\'tsaytoomuchofher)；howtheytoil，andhowtheymend，andpatch，andpinch；andhowtheyCAN\'Tliveontheirmeans。AndIverymuchfear——nay，I
willbethimhalfabottleofGladstone14s。perdozenclaret——thattheaccountwhichisalittleonthewrongsidethisyear，willbealittleonthewrongsideinthenextensuingyearofgrace。
Adiary。Dies。Hodie。Howqueertoreadaresomeoftheentriesinthejournal！Herearetherecordsofdinnerseaten，andgonethewayofflesh。Thelightsburnbluesomehow，andwesitbeforetheghostsofvictuals。Harkatthedeadjokesresurging！Memorygreetsthemwiththeghostofasmile。Herearethelistsoftheindividualswhohavedinedatyourownhumbletable。Theagoniesenduredbeforeandduringthoseentertainmentsarerenewed，andsmartagain。Whatafailurethatspecialgranddinnerwas！Howthosedreadfuloccasionalwaitersdidbreaktheoldchina！WhatadismalhashpoorMary，thecook，madeoftheFrenchdishwhichsheWOULDtryoutofFrancatelli！HowangryMrs。PopewasatnotgoingdowntodinnerbeforeMrs。Bishop！HowTrimalchiosneeredatyourabsurdattempttogiveafeast；andHarpagoncriedoutatyourextravaganceandostentation！HowLadyAlmackbulliedtheotherladiesinthedrawing-room(whennogentlemenwerepresent):neveraskedyoubacktodinneragain:lefthercardbyherfootman:andtooknottheslightestnoticeofyourwifeanddaughtersatLadyHustleby\'sassembly！Ontheotherhand，howeasy，cozy，merry，comfortable，thoselittledinnerswere；gotupatoneortwodays\'
notice；wheneverybodywascontented；thesoupasclearasamber；
thewineasgoodasTrimalchio\'sown；andthepeoplekepttheircarriageswaiting，andwouldnotgoawayuntilmidnight！
Alongwiththecatalogueofbygonepleasures，balls，banquets，andthelike，whichthepagesrecord，comesalistofmuchmoreimportantoccurrences，andremembrancesofgraverimport。OntwodaysofDives\'sdiaryareprintednoticesthat“DividendsaredueattheBank。”Letushope，dearsir，thatthisannouncementconsiderablyinterestsyou；inwhichcase，probably，youhavenoneedofthealmanac-maker\'sprintedreminder。IfyoulookoverpoorJackReckless\'snote-book，amongsthismemorandaofracingoddsgivenandtaken，perhapsyoumayread:——“Nabbam\'sbill，due29thSeptember，142l。15s。6d。”Letustrust，asthedayhaspassed，thatthelittletransactionherenotedhasbeensatisfactorilyterminated。Ifyouarepaterfamilias，andaworthykindgentleman，nodoubtyouhavemarkeddownonyourregister，17thDecember(say)，“Boyscomehome。”Ah，howcarefullythatblesseddayismarkedinTHEIRlittlecalendars！Inmytimeitusedtobe，Wednesday，13thNovember，“5WEEKSFROMTHEHOLIDAYS；“Wednesday，20thNovember，“4
WEEKSFROMTHEHOLIDAYS；“untilsluggishtimespedon，andwecametoWEDNESDAYl8thDECEMBER。Orapture！Doyourememberpea-
shooters?Ithinkweonlyhadthemongoinghomeforholidaysfromprivateschools，——atpublicschoolsmenaretoodignified。Andthencamethatgloriousannouncement，Wednesday，27th，“PapatookustothePantomime；“orifnotpapa，perhapsyoucondescendedtogotothepit，underchargeofthefootman。
Thatwasneartheendoftheyear——andmammagaveyouanewpocket-
book，perhaps，withalittlecoin，Godblessher，inthepocket。
Andthatpocket-bookwasfornextyear，youknow；and，inthatpocket-bookyouhadtowritedownthatsadday，Wednesday，January24th，eighteenhundredandnevermindwhat，——whenDr。Birch\'syoungfriendswereexpectedtore-assemble。
Ahme！Everypersonwhoturnsthispageoverhashisownlittlediary，inpaperorruledinhismemorytablets，andinwhicharesetdownthetransactionsofthenowdyingyear。Boysandmen，wehaveourcalendar，mothersandmaidens。Forexample，inyourcalendarpocket-book，mygoodEliza，whatasad，saddaythatis——howfondlyandbitterlyremembered——whenyourboywentofftohisregiment，toIndia，todanger，tobattleperhaps。Whatadaywasthatlastdayathome，whenthetallbrothersatyetamongstthefamily，thelittleonesroundabouthimwonderingatsaddle-boxes，uniforms，sword-cases，gun-cases，andotherwondrousapparatusofwarandtravelwhichpouredinandfilledthehall；thenewdressing-caseforthebeardnotyetgrown；thegreatsword-caseatwhichlittlebrotherTomlookssoadmiringly！Whatadinnerthatwas，thatlastdinner，whenlittleandgrownchildrenassembledtogether，andalltriedtobecheerful！Whatanightwasthatlastnight，whentheyoungoneswereatroostforthelasttimetogetherunderthesameroof，andthemotherlayaloneinherchambercountingthefatalhoursastheytolledoneafteranother，amidsthertears，herwatching，herfondprayers。Whatanightthatwas，andyethowquicklythemelancholydawncame！Onlytoosoonthesunroseoverthehouses。Andnowinamomentmorethecityseemedtowake。Thehousebegantostir。Thefamilygatherstogetherforthelastmeal。
Forthelasttimeinthemidstofthemthewidowkneelsamongstherkneelingchildren，andfaltersaprayerinwhichshecommitsherdearest，hereldestborn，tothecareoftheFatherofall。O
night，whattearsyouhide——whatprayersyouhear！Andsothenightspassandthedayssucceed，untilthatonecomeswhentearsandpartingshallbenomore。
Inyourdiary，asinmine，therearedaysmarkedwithsadness，notforthisyearonly，butforall。Onacertainday——andthesunperhaps，shiningeversobrightly——thehousemothercomesdowntoherfamilywithasadface，whichscaresthechildrenroundaboutinthemidstoftheirlaughterandprattle。Theymayhaveforgotten——butshehasnot——adaywhichcame，twentyyearsagoitmaybe，andwhichsheremembersonlytoowell:thelongnight-watch；thedreadfuldawningandtherainbeatingatthepane；theinfantspeechless，butmoaninginitslittlecrib；andthentheawfulcalm，theawfulsmileonthesweetcherubface，whenthecrieshaveceased，andthelittlesufferingbreastheavesnomore。Thenthechildren，astheyseetheirmother\'sface，rememberthiswasthedayonwhichtheirlittlebrotherdied。Itwasbeforetheywereborn；butsheremembersit。
Andastheypraytogether，itseemsalmostasifthespiritofthelittlelostonewashoveringroundthegroup。Sotheypassaway:
friends，kindred，thedearest-loved，grownpeople，aged，infants。
Aswegoonthedown-hilljourney，themile-stonesaregrave-stones，andoneachmoreandmorenamesarewritten；unlesshaplyyoulivebeyondman\'scommonage，whenfriendshavedroppedoff，and，tottering，andfeeble，andunpitied，youreachtheterminusalone。
Inthispastyear\'sdiaryisthereanypreciousdaynotedonwhichyouhavemadeanewfriend?Thisisapieceofgoodfortunebestowedbutgrudginglyontheold。Afteracertainageanewfriendisawonder，likeSarah\'schild。Agedpersonsareseldomcapableofbearingfriendships。DoyourememberhowwarmlyyoulovedJackandTomwhenyouwereatschool；whatapassionateregardyouhadforNedwhenyouwereatcollege，andtheimmenselettersyouwrotetoeachother?Howoftendoyouwrite，nowthatpostagecostsnothing?Thereistheageofblossomsandsweetbuddinggreen:theageofgeneroussummer；theautumnwhentheleavesdrop；
andthenwinter，shiveringandbare。Quick，children，andsitatmyfeet:fortheyarecold，verycold:anditseemsasifneitherwinenorworstedwillwarm\'em。
Inthispastyear\'sdiaryisthereanydismaldaynotedinwhichyouhavelostafriend?Inminethereis。Idonotmeanbydeath。
Thosewhoaregone，youhave。Thosewhodepartedlovingyou，loveyoustill；andyoulovethemalways。Theyarenotreallygone，thosedearheartsandtrue；theyareonlygoneintothenextroom:
andyouwillpresentlygetupandfollowthem，andyonderdoorwillcloseuponYOU，andyouwillbenomoreseen。AsIaminthischeerfulmood，IwilltellyouafineandtouchingstoryofadoctorwhichIheardlately。Abouttwoyearssincetherewas，inourorsomeothercity，afamousdoctor，intowhoseconsulting-roomcrowdscamedaily，sothattheymightbehealed。Nowthisdoctorhadasuspicionthattherewassomethingvitallywrongwithhimself，andhewenttoconsultanotherfamousphysicianatDublin，oritmaybeatEdinburgh。AndheofEdinburghpunchedhiscomrade\'ssides；andlistenedathisheartandlungs；andfelthispulse，Isuppose；andlookedathistongue；andwhenhehaddone，DoctorLondonsaidtoDoctorEdinburgh，“Doctor，howlonghaveItolive?“AndDoctorEdinburghsaidtoDoctorLondon，“Doctor，youmaylastayear。”
ThenDoctorLondoncamehome，knowingthatwhatDoctorEdinburghsaidwastrue。Andhemadeuphisaccounts，withmanandheaven，I
trust。Andhevisitedhispatientsasusual。Andhewentabouthealing，andcheering，andsoothinganddoctoring；andthousandsofsickpeoplewerebenefitedbyhim。Andhesaidnotawordtohisfamilyathome；butlivedamongstthemcheerfulandtender，andcalm，andloving；thoughheknewthenightwasathandwhenheshouldseethemandworknomore。
Anditwaswintertime，andtheycameandtoldhimthatsomemanatadistance——verysick，butveryrich——wantedhim；and，thoughDoctorLondonknewthathewashimselfatdeath\'sdoor，hewenttothesickman；forheknewthelargefeewouldbegoodforhischildrenafterhim。Andhedied；andhisfamilyneverknewuntilhewasgone，thathehadbeenlongawareoftheinevitabledoom。
ThisisacheerfulcarolforChristmas，isitnot?Yousee，inregardtotheseRoundaboutdiscourses，Ineverknowwhethertheyaretobemerryordismal。Myhobbyhasthebitinhismouth；goeshisownway；andsometimestrotsthroughapark，andsometimespacesbyacemetery。Twodayssincecametheprinter\'slittleemissary，withanotesaying，“WearewaitingfortheRoundaboutPaper！“A
RoundaboutPaperaboutwhatorwhom?Howstaleithasbecome，thatprintedjollityaboutChristmas！Carols，andwassail-bowls，andholly，andmistletoe，andyule-logsdecommande——whatheapsofthesehavewenothadforyearspast！Well，yearafteryeartheseasoncomes。Comefrost，comethaw，comesnow，comerain，yearafteryearmyneighbortheparsonhastomakehissermons。Theyaregettingtogetherthebonbons，icedcakes，ChristmastreesatFortnumandMason\'snow。ThegeniiofthetheatresarecomposingtheChristmaspantomime，whichouryoungfolkswillseeandnoteanonintheirlittlediaries。
Andnow，brethren，mayIconcludethisdiscoursewithanextractoutofthatgreatdiary，thenewspaper?Ireaditbutyesterday，andithasmingledwithallmythoughtssincethen。Herearethetwoparagraphs，whichappearedfollowingeachother:——
“Mr。R。，theAdvocate-GeneralofCalcutta，hasbeenappointedtothepostofLegislativeMemberoftheCounciloftheGovernor-General。”
“SirR。S。，AgenttotheGovernor-GeneralforCentralIndia，diedonthe29thofOctober，ofbronchitis。”
Thesetwomen，whosedifferentfatesarerecordedintwoparagraphsandhalfadozenlinesofthesamenewspaper，weresisters\'sons。
Inoneofthestoriesbythepresentwriter，amanisdescribedtottering“upthestepsoftheghaut，“havingjustpartedwithhischild，whomheisdespatchingtoEnglandfromIndia。Iwrotethis，rememberinginlong，longdistantdays，suchaghaut，orriver-
stair，atCalcutta；andadaywhen，downthosesteps，toaboatwhichwasinwaiting，cametwochildren，whosemothersremainedontheshore。Oneofthoseladieswasnevertoseeherboymore；andhe，too，isjustdeadinIndia，“ofbronchitis，onthe29thOctober。”Wewerefirst-cousins；hadbeenlittleplaymatesandfriendsfromthetimeofourbirth；andthefirsthouseinLondontowhichIwastaken，wasthatofouraunt，themotherofhisHonortheMemberofCouncil。HisHonorwaseventhenagentlemanofthelongrobe，being，intruth，ababyinarms。WeIndianchildrenwereconsignedtoaschoolofwhichourdeludedparentshadheardafavorablereport，butwhichwasgovernedbyahorriblelittletyrant，whomadeouryounglivessomiserablethatIrememberkneelingbymylittlebedofanight，andsaying，“PrayGod，Imaydreamofmymother！“Thencewewenttoapublicschool；andmycousintoAddiscombeandtoIndia。
“Forthirty-twoyears，“thepapersays，“SirRichmondShakespearfaithfullyanddevotedlyservedtheGovernmentofIndia，andduringthatperiodbutoncevisitedEngland，forafewmonthsandonpublicduty。Inhismilitarycapacityhesawmuchservice，waspresentineightgeneralengagements，andwasbadlywoundedinthelast。In1840，whenayounglieutenant，hehadtheraregoodfortunetobethemeansofrescuingfromalmosthopelessslaveryinKhiva416
subjectsoftheEmperorofRussia；and，buttwoyearslater，greatlycontributedtothehappyrecoveryofourownprisonersfromasimilarfateinCabul。Throughouthiscareerthisofficerwaseverreadyandzealousforthepublicservice，andfreelyriskedlifeandlibertyinthedischargeofhisduties。LordCanning，tomarkhishighsenseofSirRichmondShakespear\'spublicservices，hadlatelyofferedhimtheChiefCommissionershipofMysore，whichhehadaccepted，andwasabouttoundertake，whendeathterminatedhiscareer。”
WhenhecametoLondonthecousinsandplayfellowsofearlyIndiandaysmetonceagain，andshookhands。“CanIdoanythingforyou?“
Irememberthekindfellowasking。Hewasalwaysaskingthatquestion:ofallkinsmen；ofallwidowsandorphans；ofallthepoor；ofyoungmenwhomightneedhispurseorhisservice。IsawayoungofficeryesterdaytowhomthefirstwordsSirRichmondShakespearwroteonhisarrivalinIndiawere，“CanIdoanythingforyou?“Hispursewasatthecommandofall。Hiskindhandwasalwaysopen。Itwasagraciousfatewhichsenthimtorescuewidowsandcaptives。Wherecouldtheyhavehadachampionmorechivalrous，aprotectormorelovingandtender?
Iwritedownhisnameinmylittlebook，amongthoseofothersdearlyloved，who，too，havebeensummonedhence。Andsowemeetandpart；westruggleandsucceed；orwefailanddropunknownontheway。Asweleavethefondmother\'sknee，theroughtrialsofchildhoodandboyhoodbegin；andthenmanhoodisuponus，andthebattleoflife，withitschances，perils，wounds，defeats，distinctions。AndFortWilliamgunsaresalutinginoneman\'shonor，*whilethetroopsarefiringthelastvolleysovertheother\'sgrave——overthegraveofthebrave，thegentle，thefaithfulChristiansoldier。
*W。R。obiitMarch22，1862。
NOTESOFAWEEK\'SHOLIDAY。
Mostofustelloldstoriesinourfamilies。Thewifeandchildrenlaughforthehundredthtimeatthejoke。Theoldservants(thougholdservantsarefewereveryday)nodandsmilearecognitionatthewell-knownanecdote。“Don\'ttellthatstoryofGrouseinthegun-
room，“saysDiggorytoMr。Hardcastleintheplay，“orImustlaugh。”Aswetwaddle，andgrowoldandforgetful，wemaytellanoldstory；or，outofmerebenevolence，andawishtoamuseafriendwhenconversationisflagging，disinteraJoeMillernowandthen；
butthepracticeisnotquitehonest，andentailsacertainnecessityofhypocrisyonstoryhearersandtellers。Itisasadthing，tothinkthatamanwithwhatyoucallafundofanecdoteisahumbug，moreorlessamiableandpleasant。WhatrighthaveItotellmy“Grouseinthegun-room“overandoverinthepresenceofmywife，mother，mother-in-law，sons，daughters，oldfootmanorparlor-
maid，confidentialclerk，curate，orwhatnot?Ismirkandgothroughthehistory，givingmyadmirableimitationsofthecharactersintroduced:ImimicJones\'sgrin，Hobbs\'ssquint，Brown\'sstammer，Grady\'sbrogue，Sandy\'sScotchaccent，tothebestofmypower:and，thefamilypartofmyaudiencelaughsgood-humoredly。
Perhapsthestranger，forwhoseamusementtheperformanceisgiven，isamusedbyitandlaughstoo。Butthispracticecontinuedisnotmoral。Thisself-indulgenceonyourpart，mydearPaterfamilias，isweak，vain——nottosayculpable。Icanimaginemanyaworthyman，whobeginsunguardedlytoreadthispage，andcomestothepresentsentence，lyingbackinhischair，thinkingofthatstorywhichhehastoldinnocentlyforfiftyyears，andratherpiteouslyowningtohimself，“Well，well，itISwrong；Ihavenorighttocallonmypoorwifetolaugh，mydaughterstoaffecttobeamused，bythatold，oldjestofmine。Andtheywouldhavegoneonlaughing，andtheywouldhavepretendedtobeamused，totheirdyingday，ifthismanhadnotflunghisdamperoverourhilarity。”……Ilaydownthepen，andthink，“ArethereanyoldstorieswhichIstilltellmyselfinthebosomofmyfamily?HaveIany\'Grouseinmygun-
room?\'“Iftherearesuch，itisbecausemymemoryfails；notbecauseIwantapplause，andwantonlyrepeatmyself。Yousee，menwiththeso-calledfundofanecdotewillnotrepeatthesamestorytothesameindividual；buttheydothinkthat，onanewparty，therepetitionofajokeeversooldmaybehonorablytried。ImeetmenwalkingtheLondonstreet，bearingthebestreputation，menofanecdotalpowers:——Iknowsuch，whoverylikelywillreadthis，andsay，“Hangthefellow，hemeansME！“AndsoIdo。No——nomanoughttotellananecdotemorethanthrice，letussay，unlessheissureheisspeakingonlytogivepleasuretohishearers——unlesshefeelsthatitisnotameredesireforpraisewhichmakeshimopenhisjaws。
