Somedozenyearsago，myfamilybeingabsentinadistantpartofthecountry，andmybusinessdetainingmeinLondon，Iremainedinmyownhousewiththreeservantsonboardwages。Iusedonlytobreakfastathome；andfutureageswillbeinterestedtoknowthatthismealusedtoconsist，atthatperiod，oftea，apennyroll，apatofbutter，and，perhaps，anegg。Myweeklybillusedinvariablytobeaboutfiftyshillings；sothat，asIneverdinedinthehouse，yousee，mybreakfast，consistingofthedelicaciesbeforementioned，costaboutsevenshillingsandthreepenceperdiem。I
must，therefore，haveconsumeddaily——
s。d。
Aquarterofapoundoftea(say)13
Apennyroll(say)10
Onepoundofbutter(say)13
Onepoundoflumpsugar10
Anew-laidegg29
WhichistheonlypossiblewayIhaveformakingoutthesum。
Well，Ifellillwhileunderthisregimen，andhadanillnesswhich，butforacertaindoctor，whowasbroughttomebyacertainkindfriendIhadinthosedays，would，Ithink，havepreventedthepossibilityofmytellingthisinterestinganecdotenowadozenyearsafter。Don\'tbefrightened，mydearmadam；itisnotahorrid，sentimentalaccountofamaladyyouarecomingto——onlyaquestionofgrocery。Thisillness，Isay，lastedsomeseventeendays，duringwhichtheservantswereadmirablyattentiveandkind；
andpoorJohn，especially，wasupatallhours，watchingnightafternight——amiable，cheerful，untiring，respectful，theverybestofJohnsandnurses。
TwiceorthriceintheseventeendaysImayhavehadaglassofeausucree——sayadozenglassesofeausucree——certainlynotmore。
Well，thisadmirable，watchful，cheerful，tender，affectionateJohnbroughtmeinalittlebillforseventeenpoundsofsugarconsumedduringtheillness——“Often\'adsugarandwater；alwayswasacallin\'
forit，“saysJohn，wagginghisheadquitegravely。Youaredead，yearsandyearsago，poorJohn——sopatient，sofriendly，sokind，socheerfultotheinvalidinthefever。Butconfess，now，whereveryouare，thatseventeenpoundsofsugartomakesixglassesofeausucreewasaLITTLEtoostrong，wasn\'tit，John?Ah，howfrankly，howtrustily，howbravelyhelied，poorJohn！Oneevening，beingatBrighton，intheconvalescence，IrememberJohn\'sstepwasunsteady，hisvoicethick，hislaughqueer——andhavingsomequininetogiveme，Johnbroughttheglasstome——nottomymouth，butstruckmewithitprettysmartlyintheeye，whichwasnotthewayinwhichDr。Elliotsonhadintendedhisprescriptionshouldbetaken。
Turningthateyeuponhim，Iventuredtohintthatmyattendanthadbeendrinking。Drinking！IneverwasmorehumiliatedatthethoughtofmyowninjusticethanatJohn\'sreply。“Drinking！Sulpme！Ihavehadonlyonepintofbeerwithmydinneratoneo\'clock！“——andheretreats，holdingonbyachair。Thesearefibs，yousee，appertainingtothesituation。Johnisdrunk。“SULPhim，hehasonlyhadan\'alf-pintofbeerwithhisdinnersixhoursago；“
andnoneofhisfellow-servantswillsayotherwise。Pollyissmuggledonboardship。Whotellsthelieutenantwhenhecomeshisrounds?Boysareplayingcardsinthebedroom。Theoutlyingfagannouncesmastercoming——outgocandles——cardspoppedintobed——boyssoundasleep。Whohadthatlightinthedormitory?Lawblessyou！
thepoordearinnocentsareeveryonesnoring。Everyonesnoring，andeverysnoreisalietoldthroughthenose！Supposeoneofyourboysormineisengagedinthatawfulcrime，arewegoingtobreakourheartsaboutit?Come，come。Wepullalongface，waggleagravehead，andchucklewithinourwaistcoats。
Betweenmeandthosefellow-creaturesofminewhoaresittingintheroombelow，howstrangeandwonderfulisthepartition！Wemeetateveryhourofthedaylight，andareindebtedtoeachotherforahundredofficesofdutyandcomfortoflife；andwelivetogetherforyears，anddon\'tknoweachother。John\'svoicetomeisquitedifferentfromJohn\'svoicewhenitaddresseshismatesbelow。IfI
metHannahinthestreetwithabonneton，IdoubtwhetherIshouldknowher。AndallthesegoodpeoplewithwhomImayliveforyearsandyears，havecares，interests，dearfriendsandrelatives，mayhapschemes，passions，longinghopes，tragediesoftheirown，fromwhichacarpetandafewplanksandbeamsutterlyseparateme。Whenwewereattheseaside，andpoorEllenusedtolooksopale，andrunafterthepostman\'sbell，andseizealetterinagreatscrawlinghand，andreadit，andcryinacorner，howshouldweknowthatthepoorlittlething\'sheartwasbreaking?Shefetchedthewater，andshesmoothedtheribbons，andshelaidoutthedresses，andbroughttheearlycupofteainthemorning，justasifshehadhadnocarestokeepherawake。Henry(wholivedoutofthehouse)wastheservantofafriendofminewholivedinchambers。Therewasadinneroneday，andHarrywaitedallthroughthedinner。Thechampagnewasproperlyiced，thedinnerwasexcellentlyserved；
everyguestwasattendedto；thedinnerdisappeared；thedessertwasset；theclaretwasinperfectorder，carefullydecanted，andmoreready。AndthenHenrysaid，“Ifyouplease，sir，mayIgohome?“
Hehadreceivedwordthathishousewasonfire；and，havingseenthroughhisdinner，hewishedtogoandlookafterhischildren，andlittlesticksoffurniture。Why，suchaman\'sliveryisauniformofhonor。Thecrestonhisbuttonisabadgeofbravery。
Doyousee——IimagineIdomyself——intheselittleinstances，atingeofhumor?Ellen\'sheartisbreakingforhandsomeJeamesofBuckleySquare，whosegreatlegsarekneeling，andwhohasgivenalockofhispreciouspowderedhead，tosomeotherthanEllen。Henryispreparingthesauceforhismaster\'swild-duckswhiletheenginesaresquirtingoverhisownlittlenestandbrood。Liftthesefiguresupbutastoryfromthebasementtotheground-floor，andthefunisgone。Wemaybeenpleinetragedie。Ellenmaybreatheherlastsighinblankverse，callingdownblessingsuponJamestheprofligatewhodesertsher。Henryisahero，andepaulettesareonhisshoulders。Atquisciebat，&c。，whatevertorturesareinstoreforhim，hewillbeathispostofduty。
Youconcede，however，thatthereisatouchofhumorinthetwotragediesherementioned。Why?Isitthattheideaofpersonsatserviceissomehowludicrous?Perhapsitismademoresointhiscountrybythesplendidappearanceoftheliverieddomesticsofgreatpeople。Whenyouthinkthatwedressinblackourselves，andputourfellow-creaturesingreen，pink，orcanary-coloredbreeches；
thatweorderthemtoplastertheirhairwithflour，havingbrushedthatnonsenseoutofourownheadsfiftyyearsago；thatsomeofthemostgenteelandstatelyamonguscausethemenwhodrivetheircarriagestoputonlittleAlbinowigs，andsitbehindgreatnosegays——IsayIsupposeitisthisheapingofgoldlace，gaudycolors，bloomingplushes，onhonestJohnTrot，whichmakesthemanabsurdinoureyes，whoneedbenothingbutasimplereputablecitizenandin-doorlaborer。Suppose，mydearsir，thatyouyourselfweresuddenlydesiredtoputonafulldress，orevenundress，domesticuniformwithourfriendJones\'screstrepeatedinvariedcombinationsofbuttononyourfrontandback?Suppose，madam，yoursonweretold，thathecouldnotgetoutexceptinlowergarmentsofcarnationoramber-coloredplush——wouldyoulethim?……
Butasyoujustlysay，thisisnotthequestion，andbesidesitisaquestionfraughtwithdanger，sir；andradicalism，sir；andsubversionoftheveryfoundationsofthesocialfabric，sir……
Well，John，wewon\'tenteronyourgreatdomesticquestion。Don\'tletusdisportwithJeames\'sdangerousstrength，andtheedge-toolsabouthisknife-board:butwithBettyandSusanwhowieldtheplayfulmop，andsetonthesimmeringkettle。SurelyyouhaveheardMrs。ToddlestalkingtoMrs。Doddlesabouttheirmutualmaids。MissSusanmusthaveasilkgown，andMissBettymustwearflowersunderherbonnetwhenshegoestochurchifyouplease，anddidyoueverhearsuchimpudence?Theservantinmanysmallestablishmentsisaconstantandendlessthemeoftalk。Whatsmallwage，sleep，meal，whatendlessscouring，scolding，trampingonmessagesfalltothatpoorSusan\'slot；whatindignationatthelittlekindlypassingwordwiththegrocer\'syoungman，thepot-boy，thechubbybutcher！Wheresuchthingswillend，mydearMrs。Toddles，Idon\'tknow。Whatwagestheywillwantnext，mydearMrs。Doddles，&c。
Here，dearladies，isanadvertisementwhichIcutoutofTheTimesafewdayssince，expresslyforyou:
“AladyisdesirousofobtainingaSITUATIONforaveryrespectableyoungwomanasHEADKITCHEN-MAIDunderaman-cook。Shehaslivedfouryearsunderaverygoodcookandhousekeeper。Canmakeice，andisanexcellentbaker。Shewillonlytakeaplaceinaverygoodfamily，whereshecanhavetheopportunityofimprovingherself，and，ifpossible，stayingfortwoyears。Applybyletterto，“&c。&c。
There，Mrs。Toddles，whatdoyouthinkofthat，anddidyouever?
Well，no，Mrs。Doddles。Uponmywordnow，Mrs。T。，Idon\'tthinkI
everdid。Arespectableyoungwoman——asheadkitchen-maid——underaman-cook，willonlytakeaplaceinaverygoodfamily，whereshecanimprove，andstaytwoyears。Justnoteuptheconditions，Mrs。
Toddles，mum，ifyouplease，mum，andTHENletussee:——
1。ThisyoungwomanistobeHEADkitchen-maid，thatistosaythereistobeachorusofkitchen-maids，ofwhichY。W。istobechief。
2。Shewillonlybesituatedunderaman-cook。(A)OughthetobeaFrenchcook；and(B)，ifso，wouldtheladydesirehimtobeaProtestant?
3。ShewillonlytakeaplaceinaVERYGOODFAMILY。Howoldoughtthefamilytobe，andwhatdoyoucallgood?thatisthequestion。
HowlongaftertheConquestwilldo?Wouldabanker\'sfamilydo，orisabaronet\'sgoodenough?Bestsaywhatrankinthepeeragewouldbesufficientlyhigh。ButtheladydoesnotsaywhethershewouldlikeaHighChurchoraLowChurchfamily。Oughttheretobeunmarriedsons，andmaytheyfollowaprofession?andpleasesayhowmanydaughters；andwouldtheladylikethemtobemusical?Andhowmanycompanydinnersaweek?Nottoomany，forfearoffatiguingtheupperkitchen-maid；butsufficient，soastokeeptheupperkitchen-maid\'shandin。[N。B——IthinkIcanseearatherbewilderedexpressiononthecountenancesofMesdamesDoddlesandToddlesasIamprattlingoninthiseasybanteringway。]
4。Theheadkitchen-maidwishestostayfortwoyears，andimproveherselfundertheman-cook，andhavingofcoursesuckedthebrains(asthephraseis)fromunderthechefsnightcap，thentheheadkitchen-maidwishestogo。
Anduponmyword，Mrs。Toddles，mum，Iwillgoandfetchthecabforher。Thecab?Whynotherladyship\'sowncarriageandpair，andtheheadcoachmantodriveawaytheheadkitchen-maid?Youseeshestipulatesforeverything——thetimetocome；thetimetostay；thefamilyshewillbewith；andassoonasshehasimprovedherselfenough，ofcoursetheupperkitchen-maidwillstepintothecarriageanddriveoff。
Well，uponmywordandconscience，ifthingsarecomingtoTHIS
pass，Mrs。ToddlesandMrs。Doddles，mum，IthinkIwillgoupstairsandgetabasinandasponge，andthendownstairsandgetsomehotwater；andthenIwillgoandscrubthatchalk-markoffmyowndoorwithmyownhands。
Itiswipedoff，Ideclare！Aftereversomanyweeks！Whohasdoneit?Itwasjustalittleround-aboutmark，youknow，anditwastherefordaysandweeks，beforeIeverthoughtitwouldbethetextofaRoundaboutPaper。
ONBEINGFOUNDOUT。
Attheclose(letussay)ofQueenAnne\'sreign，whenIwasaboyataprivateandpreparatoryschoolforyounggentlemen，Irememberthewiseacreofamasterorderingusall，onenight，tomarchintoalittlegardenatthebackofthehouse，andthencetoproceedonebyoneintoatoolorhenhouse，(Iwasbutatenderlittlethingjustputintoshortclothes，andcan\'texactlysaywhetherthehousewasfortoolsorhens，)andinthathousetoputourhandsintoasackwhichstoodonabench，acandleburningbesideit。Iputmyhandintothesack。Myhandcameoutquiteblack。Iwentandjoinedtheotherboysintheschoolroom；andalltheirhandswereblacktoo。
Byreasonofmytenderage(andtherearesomecriticswho，Ihope，willbesatisfiedbymyacknowledgingthatIamahundredandfifty-
sixnextbirthday)Icouldnotunderstandwhatwasthemeaningofthisnightexcursion——thiscandle，thistool-house，thisbagofsoot。Ithinkwelittleboysweretakenoutofoursleeptobebroughttotheordeal。Wecame，then，andshowedourlittlehandstothemaster；washedthemornot——mostprobably，Ishouldsay，not——andsowentbewilderedbacktobed。
Somethinghadbeenstolenintheschoolthatday；andMr。Wiseacrehavingreadinabookofaningeniousmethodoffindingoutathiefbymakinghimputhishandintoasack(which，ifguilty，theroguewouldshirkfromdoing)，allweboysweresubjectedtothetrial。
Goodnessknowswhatthelostobjectwas，orwhostoleit。Weallhadblackhandstoshowthemaster。Andthethief，whoeverhewas，wasnotFoundOutthattime。
Iwonderiftherascalisalive——anelderlyscoundrelhemustbebythistime；andahoaryoldhypocrite，towhomanoldschoolfellowpresentshiskindestregards——parentheticallyremarkingwhatadreadfulplacethatprivateschoolwas；cold，chilblains，baddinners，notenoughvictuals，andcaningawful！——Areyoualivestill，Isay，younamelessvillain，whoescapeddiscoveryonthatdayofcrime?Ihopeyouhaveescapedoftensince，oldsinner。Ah，whataluckythingitis，foryouandme，myman，thatweareNOT
foundoutinallourpeccadilloes；andthatourbackscanslipawayfromthemasterandthecane！
Justconsiderwhatlifewouldbe，ifeveryroguewasfoundout，andfloggedcorampopulo！Whatabutchery，whatanindecency，whatanendlessswishingoftherod！Don\'tcryoutaboutmymisanthropy。
MygoodfriendMealymouth，Iwilltroubleyoutotellme，doyougotochurch?Whenthere，doyousay，ordoyounot，thatyouareamiserablesinner?andsayingsodoyoubelieveordisbelieveit?
IfyouareaM。S。，don\'tyoudeservecorrection，andaren\'tyougratefulifyouaretobeletoff?Isayagain，whatablessedthingitisthatwearenotallfoundout！
Justpicturetoyourselfeverybodywhodoeswrongbeingfoundout，andpunishedaccordingly。Fancyalltheboysinalltheschoolbeingwhipped；andthentheassistants，andthentheheadmaster(Dr。Badfordletuscallhim)。Fancytheprovost-marshalbeingtiedup，havingpreviouslysuperintendedthecorrectionofthewholearmy。Aftertheyounggentlemenhavehadtheirturnforthefaultyexercises，fancyDr。LincolnsinnbeingtakenupforcertainfaultsinHISEssayandReview。Aftertheclergymanhascriedhispeccavi，supposewehoistupabishop，andgivehimacoupleofdozen！(I
seemyLordBishopofDouble-Gloucestersittinginaveryuneasypostureonhisrightreverendbench。)Afterwehavecastoffthebishop，whatarewetosaytotheMinisterwhoappointedhim?MyLordCinqwarden，itispainfultohavetousepersonalcorrectiontoaboyofyourage；butreally……Sistetandem，carnifex！Thebutcheryistoohorrible。Thehanddropspowerless，appalledatthequantityofbirchwhichitmustcutandbrandish。Iamgladwearenotallfoundout，Isayagain；andprotest，mydearbrethren，againstourhavingourdeserts。
Tofancyallmenfoundoutandpunishedisbadenough；butimagineallwomenfoundoutinthedistinguishedsocialcircleinwhichyouandIhavethehonortomove。Isitnotamercythatamanyofthesefaircriminalsremainunpunishedandundiscovered！ThereisMrs。Longbow，whoisforeverpractising，andwhoshootspoisonedarrows，too；whenyoumeetheryoudon\'tcallherliar，andchargeherwiththewickednessshehasdoneandisdoing。ThereisMrs。
Painter，whopassesforamostrespectablewoman，andamodelinsociety。Thereisnouseinsayingwhatyoureallyknowregardingherandhergoingson。ThereisDianaHunter——whatalittlehaughtyprudeitis；andyetWEknowstoriesaboutherwhicharenotaltogetheredifying。Isayitisbest，forthesakeofthegood，thatthebadshouldnotallbefoundout。Youdon\'twantyourchildrentoknowthehistoryofthatladyinthenextbox，whoissohandsome，andwhomtheyadmireso。Ahme，whatwouldlifebeifwewereallfoundout，andpunishedforallourfaults?JackKetchwouldbeinpermanence；andthenwhowouldhangJackKetch?
Theytalkofmurderersbeingprettycertainlyfoundout。Psha！I
haveheardanauthorityawfullycompetentvowanddeclarethatscoresandhundredsofmurdersarecommitted，andnobodyisthewiser。Thatterriblemanmentionedoneortwowaysofcommittingmurder，whichhemaintainedwerequitecommon，andwerescarcelyeverfoundout。Aman，forinstance，comeshometohiswife，and……butIpause——IknowthatthisMagazinehasaverylargecirculation。Hundredsandhundredsofthousands——whynotsayamillionofpeopleatonce?——well，sayamillion，readit。Andamongstthesecountlessreaders，Imightbeteachingsomemonsterhowtomakeawaywithhiswifewithoutbeingfoundout，somefiendofawomanhowtodestroyherdearhusband。IwillNOTthentellthiseasyandsimplewayofmurder，ascommunicatedtomebyamostrespectablepartyintheconfidenceofprivateintercourse。Supposesomegentlereaderweretotrythismostsimpleandeasyreceipt——itseemstomealmostinfallible——andcometogriefinconsequence，andbefoundoutandhanged?ShouldIeverpardonmyselfforhavingbeenthemeansofdoinginjurytoasingleoneofouresteemedsubscribers?TheprescriptionwhereofIspeak——thatistosay，whereofIDON\'Tspeak——shallbeburiedinthisbosom。No，Iamahumaneman。IamnotoneofyourBluebeardstogoandsaytomywife，“Mydear！IamgoingawayforafewdaystoBrighton。Hereareallthekeysofthehouse。Youmayopeneverydoorandcloset，excepttheoneattheendoftheoak-roomoppositethefireplace，withthelittlebronzeShakespeareonthemantel-piece(orwhatnot)。”Idon\'tsaythistoawoman——unless，tobesure，Iwanttogetridofher——because，aftersuchacaution，Iknowshe\'llpeepintothecloset。Isaynothingabouttheclosetatall。Ikeepthekeyinmypocket，andabeingwhomIlove，butwho，asIknow，hasmanyweaknesses，outofharm\'sway。Youtossupyourhead，dearangel，drubonthegroundwithyourlovelylittlefeet，onthetablewithyoursweetrosyfingers，andcry，“Oh，sneerer！Youdon\'tknowthedepthofwoman\'sfeeling，theloftyscornofalldeceit，theentireabsenceofmeancuriosityinthesex，ornever，neverwouldyoulibelusso！“Ah，Delia！dear，dearDelia！ItisbecauseI
fancyIdoknowsomethingaboutyou(notall，mind——no，no；nomanknowsthat)——Ah，mybride，myringdove，myrose，mypoppet——choose，infact，whatevernameyoulike——bulbulofmygrove，fountainofmydesert，sunshineofmydarklinglife，andjoyofmydungeonedexistence，itisbecauseIDOknowalittleaboutyouthatI
concludetosaynothingofthatprivatecloset，andkeepmykeyinmypocket。Youtakeawaythatcloset-keythen，andthehouse-key。
YoulockDeliain。Youkeepheroutofharm\'swayandgadding，andsosheneverCANbefoundout。
Andyetbylittlestrangeaccidentsandcoincidentshowwearebeingfoundouteveryday。YourememberthatoldstoryoftheAbbeKakatoes，whotoldthecompanyatsupperonenighthowthefirstconfessionheeverreceivedwas——fromamurdererletussay。
PresentlyenterstosuppertheMarquisdeCroquemitaine。
“Palsambleu，abbe！“saysthebrilliantmarquis，takingapinchofsnuff，“areyouhere?Gentlemenandladies！Iwastheabbe\'sfirstpenitent，andImadehimaconfession，whichIpromiseyouastonishedhim。”
Tobesurehowqueerlythingsarefoundout！Hereisaninstance。
OnlytheotherdayIwaswritingintheseRoundaboutPapersaboutacertainman，whomIfacetiouslycalledBaggs，andwhohadabusedmetomyfriends，whoofcoursetoldme。Shortlyafterthatpaperwaspublishedanotherfriend——Sacksletuscallhim——scowlsfiercelyatmeasIamsittinginperfectgood-humorattheclub，andpassesonwithoutspeaking。Acut。Aquarrel。SacksthinksitisabouthimthatIwaswriting:whereas，uponmyhonorandconscience，Ineverhadhimonceinmymind，andwaspointingmymoralfromquiteanotherman。Butdon\'tyousee，bythiswrathoftheguilty-
consciencedSacks，thathehadbeenabusingmetoo?Hehasownedhimselfguilty，neverhavingbeenaccused。Hehaswincedwhennobodythoughtofhittinghim。Ididbutputthecapout，andmadlybuttingandchafing，beholdmyfriendrushesouttoputhisheadintoit！Nevermind，Sacks，youarefoundout；butIbearyounomalice，myman。
Andyettobefoundout，Iknowfrommyownexperience，mustbepainfulandodious，andcruellymortifyingtotheinwardvanity。
SupposeIamapoltroon，letussay。Withfiercemoustache，loudtalk，plentifuloaths，andanimmensestick，Ikeepupneverthelessacharacterforcourage。Iswearfearfullyatcabmenandwomen；
brandishmybludgeon，andperhapsknockdownalittlemanortwowithit:bragoftheimageswhichIbreakattheshooting-gallery，andpassamongstmyfriendsforawhiskeryfire-eater，afraidofneithermannordragon。Ahme！SupposesomebrisklittlechapstepsupandgivesmeacaninginSt。James\'sStreet，withalltheheadsofmyfriendslookingoutofalltheclubwindows。Myreputationisgone。Ifrightennomanmore。Mynoseispulledbywhipper-snappers，whojumpuponachairtoreachit。Iamfoundout。Andinthedaysofmytriumphs，whenpeoplewereyetafraidofme，andweretakeninbymyswagger，IalwaysknewthatIwasalily-liver，andexpectedthatIshouldbefoundoutsomeday。
Thatcertaintyofbeingfoundoutmusthauntanddepressmanyaboldbraggadociospirit。Letussayitisaclergyman，whocanpumpcopiousfloodsoftearsoutofhisowneyesandthoseofhisaudience。Hethinkstohimself，“Iambutapoorswindling，chatteringrogue。Mybillsareunpaid。IhavejiltedseveralwomenwhomIhavepromisedtomarry。Idon\'tknowwhetherIbelievewhatIpreach，andIknowIhavestolentheverysermonoverwhichIhavebeensnivelling。Havetheyfoundmeout?“sayshe，ashisheaddropsdownonthecushion。
Thenyourwriter，poet，historian，novelist，orwhatnot?TheBeaconsaysthat“Jones\'sworkisoneofthefirstorder。”TheLampdeclaresthat“Jones\'stragedysurpasseseveryworksincethedaysofHimofAvon。”TheCometassertsthat“J\'s\'LifeofGoodyTwoshoes\'isa[Greektextomitted]，anobleandenduringmonumenttothefameofthatadmirableEnglishwoman，“andsoforth。ButthenJonesknowsthathehaslentthecriticoftheBeaconfivepounds；
thathispublisherhasahalf-shareintheLamp；andthattheCometcomesrepeatedlytodinewithhim。Itisallverywell。Jonesisimmortaluntilheisfoundout；andthendowncomestheextinguisher，andtheimmortalisdeadandburied。Theidea(diesirae！)ofdiscoverymusthauntmanyaman，andmakehimuneasy，asthetrumpetsarepuffinginhistriumph。Brown，whohasahigherplacethanhedeserves，cowersbeforeSmith，whohasfoundhimout。Whatisachorusofcriticsshouting“Bravo?“——apublicclappinghandsandflinginggarlands?BrownknowsthatSmithhasfoundhimout。
Puff，trumpets！Wave，banners！Huzza，boys，fortheimmortalBrown！“Thisisallverywell，“B。thinks(bowingthewhile，smiling，layinghishandtohisheart)；“buttherestandsSmithatthewindow:HEhasmeasuredme；andsomedaytheotherswillfindmeouttoo。”Itisaverycurioussensationtositbyamanwhohasfoundyouout，andwho，asyouknow，hasfoundyouout；or，viceversa，tositwithamanwhomYOUhavefoundout。Histalent?Bah！
Hisvirtue?Weknowalittlestoryortwoabouthisvirtue，andheknowsweknowit。WearethinkingoverfriendRobinson\'santecedents，aswegrin，bowandtalk；andwearebothhumbugstogether。Robinsonagoodfellow，ishe?YouknowhowhebehavedtoHicks?Agood-naturedman，ishe?PraydoyourememberthatlittlestoryofMrs。Robinson\'sblackeye?Howmenhavetowork，totalk，tosmile，togotobed，andtryandsleep，withthisdreadofbeingfoundoutontheirconsciences！Bardolph，whohasrobbedachurch，andNym，whohastakenapurse，gototheirusualhaunts，andsmoketheirpipeswiththeircompanions。Mr。DetectiveBullseyeappeal\'s，andsays，“Oh，Bardolph！Iwantyouaboutthattherepyxbusiness！“Mr。Bardolphknockstheashesoutofhispipe，putsouthishandstothelittlesteelcuffs，andwalksawayquitemeekly。Heisfoundout。Hemustgo。“Good-by，DollTearsheet！Good-by，Mrs。
Quickly，ma\'am！“Theothergentlemenandladiesdelasocietelookonandexchangemuteadieuxwiththedepartingfriends。Andanassuredtimewillcomewhentheothergentlemenandladieswillbefoundouttoo。
Whatawonderfulandbeautifulprovisionofnatureithasbeenthat，forthemostpart，ourwomankindarenotendowedwiththefacultyoffindingusout！THEYdon\'tdoubt，andprobe，andweigh，andtakeyourmeasure。Laydownthispaper，mybenevolentfriendandreader，gointoyourdrawing-roomnow，andutterajokeeversoold，andI
wagersixpencetheladiestherewillallbegintolaugh。GotoBrown\'shouse，andtellMrs。Brownandtheyoungladieswhatyouthinkofhim，andseewhatawelcomeyouwillget！Inlikemanner，lethimcometoyourhouse，andtellYOURgoodladyhiscandidopinionofyou，andfancyhowshewillreceivehim！Wouldyouhaveyourwifeandchildrenknowyouexactlyforwhatyouare，andesteemyoupreciselyatyourworth?Ifso，myfriend，youwillliveinadrearyhouse，andyouwillhavebutachillyfireside。Doyousupposethepeoplerounditdon\'tseeyourhomelyfaceasunderaglamour，and，asitwere，withahaloofloveroundit?Youdon\'tfancyyouARE，asyouseemtothem?Nosuchthing，myman。Putawaythatmonstrousconceit，andbethankfulthatTHEYhavenotfoundyouout。
ONAHUNDREDYEARSHENCE。
WherehaveIjustreadofagameplayedatacountryhouse?Thepartyassemblesroundatablewithpens，ink，andpaper。Someonenarratesatalecontainingmoreorlessincidentsandpersonages。
Eachpersonofthecompanythenwritesdown，tothebestofhismemoryandability，theanecdotejustnarrated，andfinallythepapersaretobereadout。IdonotsayIshouldliketoplayoftenatthisgame，whichmightpossiblybeatediousandlengthypastime，notbyanymeanssoamusingassmokingacigarintheconservatory；
orevenlisteningtotheyoungladiesplayingtheirpiano-pieces；ortoHobbsandNobbslingeringroundthebottleandtalkingoverthemorning\'srunwiththehoundsbutsurelyitisamoralandingenioussport。Theysaythevarietyofnarrativesisoftenveryoddandamusing。Theoriginalstorybecomessochangedanddistortedthatattheendofallthestatementsyouarepuzzledtoknowwherethetruthisatall。Astimeisofsmallimportancetothecheerfulpersonsengagedinthissport，perhapsagoodwayofplayingitwouldbetospreaditoveracoupleofyears。Letthepeoplewhoplayedthegamein\'60allmeetandplayitoncemorein\'61，andeachwritehisstoryoveragain。Thenbringoutyouroriginalandcomparenotes。Notonlywillthestoriesdifferfromeachother，butthewriterswillprobablydifferfromthemselves。Inthecourseoftheyeartheincidentswillgroworwilldwindlestrangely。Theleastauthenticofthestatementswillbesolivelyorsomalicious，orsoneatlyput，thatitwillappearmostlikethetruth。Ilikethesetalesandsportiveexercises。Ihadbegunalittleprintcollectiononce。IhadAddisoninhisnightgowninbedatHollandHouse，requestingyoungLordWarwicktoremarkhowaChristianshoulddie。IhadCambronneclutchinghiscockedhatandutteringtheimmortallaGardemeurtetneserendpas。Ihadthe“Vengeur“
goingdown，andallthecrewhurrayinglikemadmen。IhadAlfredtoastingthemuffin；Curtius(Haydon)jumpingintothegulf；withextractsfromNapoleon\'sbulletins，andafineauthenticportraitofBaronMunchausen。
Whatmanwhohasbeenbeforethepublicatallhasnotheardsimilarwonderfulanecdotesregardinghimselfandhisownhistory?InthesehumbleessaykinsIhavetakenleavetoegotize。Icryoutabouttheshoeswhichpinchme，and，asIfancy，morenaturallyandpatheticallythanifmyneighbor\'scornsweretroddenunderfoot。I
prattleaboutthedishwhichIlove，thewinewhichIlike，thetalkIheardyesterday——aboutBrown\'sabsurdairs——Jones\'sridiculouselationwhenhethinkshehascaughtmeinablunder(apartofthefun，yousee，isthatJoneswillreadthis，andwillperfectlywellknowthatImeanhim，andthatweshallmeetandgrinateachotherwithentirepoliteness。)Thisisnotthehighestkindofspeculation，Iconfess，butitisagossipwhichamusessomefolks。
Abriskandhonestsmall-beerwillrefreshthosewhodonotcareforthefrothyoutpouringsofheaviertaps。Atwoofclubsmaybeagood，handylittlecardsometimes，andabletotackleakingofdiamonds，ifitisalittletrump。Somephilosophersgettheirwisdomwithdeepthoughtandoutofponderouslibraries；Ipickupmysmallcrumbsofcogitationatadinner-table；orfromMrs。MaryandMissLouisa，astheyareprattlingovertheirfive-o\'clocktea。
Well，yesterdayatdinnerJucunduswasgoodenoughtotellmeastoryaboutmyself，whichhehadheardfromaladyofhisacquaintance，towhomIsendmybestcompliments。Thetaleisthis。
Atnineo\'clockontheeveningofthe31stofNovemberlast，justbeforesunset，IwasseenleavingNo。96，AbbeyRoad，St。John\'sWood，leadingtwolittlechildrenbythehand，oneoftheminanankeenpelisse，andtheotherhavingamoleonthethirdfingerofhislefthand(shethinksitwasthethirdfinger，butisquitesureitwasthelefthand)。ThenceIwalkedwiththemtoCharlesBoroughbridge\'s，porkandsausageman，No。29，UpperTheresaRoad。
Here，whilstIleftthelittlegirlinnocentlyeatingapolonyinthefrontshop，IandBoroughbridgeretiredwiththeboyintothebackparlor，whereMrs。Boroughbridgewasplayingcribbage。Sheputupthecardsandboxes，tookoutachopperandanapkin，andwecutthelittleboy\'slittlethroat(whichheborewithgreatpluckandresolution)，andmadehimintosausage-meatbytheaidofPurkis\'sexcellentsausage-machine。Thelittlegirlatfirstcouldnotunderstandherbrother\'sabsence，but，underthepretenceoftakinghertoseeMr。FechterinHamlet，IledherdowntotheNewRiveratSadler\'sWells，whereabodyofachildinanankeenpelissewassubsequentlyfound，andhasneverbeenrecognizedtothepresentday。AndthisMrs。Lynxcanaver，becauseshesawthewholetransactionwithherowneyes，asshetoldMr。Jucundus。
Ihavealteredthelittledetailsoftheanecdotesomewhat。Butthisstoryis，Ivowanddeclare，astrueasMrsLynx\'s。Graciousgoodness！howdoliesbegin?Whataretheaveragesoflying?Isthesameamountofliestoldabouteveryman，anddoweprettymuchalltellthesameamountoflies?IstheaveragegreaterinIrelandthaninScotland，orviceversa——amongwomenthanamongmen?IsthisalieIamtellingnow?IfIamtalkingaboutyou，theoddsare，perhaps，thatitis。Ilookbackatsomewhichhavebeentoldaboutme，andspeculateonthemwiththanksandwonder。Dearfriendshavetoldthemofme，havetoldthemtomeofmyself。Havetheynottoandofyou，dearfriend?Afriendofminewasdiningatalargedinnerofclergymen，andastory，astrueasthesausagestoryabovegiven，wastoldregardingme，byoneofthosereverenddivines，inwhosefrocksitssomeanilechatter-boxes，asanymanwhoknowsthisworldknows。Theytaketheprivilegeoftheirgown。
Theycabal，andtattle，andhiss，andcacklecomminationsundertheirbreath。Isaytheoldwomenoftheothersexarenotmoretalkativeormoremischievousthansomeofthese。“Suchamanoughtnottobespokento，“saysGobemouche，narratingthestory——andsuchastory！“AndIamsurprisedheisadmittedintosocietyatall。”
Yes，dearGobemouche，butthestorywasn\'ttrue；andIhadnomoredonethewickeddeedinquestionthanIhadrunawaywiththeQueenofSheba。
Ihavealwayslongedtoknowwhatthatstorywas(orwhatcollectionofhistories)，whichaladyhadinhermindtowhomaservantofmineappliedforaplace，whenIwasbreakingupmyestablishmentonceandgoingabroad。Brownwentwithaverygoodcharacterfromus，which，indeed，shefullydeservedafterseveralyears\'faithfulservice。ButwhenMrs。JonesreadthenameofthepersonoutofwhoseemploymentBrowncame，“Thatisquitesufficient，“saysMrs。
Jones。“Youmaygo。IwillnevertakeaservantoutofTHAT
house。”Ah，Mrs。Jones，howIshouldliketoknowwhatthatcrimewas，orwhatthatseriesofvillanies，whichmadeyoudeterminenevertotakeaservantoutofmyhouse。Doyoubelieveinthestoryofthelittleboyandthesausages?Haveyouswallowedthatlittlemincedinfant?HaveyoudevouredthatyoungPolonius?Uponmywordyouhavemawenough。Wesomehowgreedilygobbledownallstoriesinwhichthecharactersofourfriendsarechoppedup，andbelievewrongofthemwithoutinquiry。Inalateserialworkwrittenbythishand，Iremembermakingsomepatheticremarksaboutourpropensitytobelieveillofourneighbors——andIremembertheremarks，notbecausetheywerevaluable，ornovel，oringenious，butbecause，withinthreedaysaftertheyhadappearedinprint，themoralistwhowrotethem，walkinghomewithafriend，heardastoryaboutanotherfriend，whichstoryhestraightwaybelieved，andwhichstorywasscarcelymoretruethanthatsausagefablewhichisheresetdown。Omeaculpa，meamaximaculpa！Butthoughthepreachertrips，shallnotthedoctrinebegood?Yea，brethren！Herebetherods。Lookyou，herearethescourges。Choosemeanicelong，swishing，buddyone，lightandwell-poisedinthehandle，thickandbushyatthetail。Pickmeoutawhip-cordthongwithsomedaintyknotsinit——andnow——wealldeserveit——whish，whish，whish！Letuscutintoeachotherallround。
AfavoriteliarandservantofminewasamanIoncehadtodriveabrougham。Henevercametomyhouse，exceptfororders，andoncewhenhehelpedtowaitatdinnersoclumsilythatitwasagreedwewoulddispensewithhisfurtherefforts。The(job)broughamhorseusedtolookdreadfullyleanandtired，andthelivery-stablekeepercomplainedthatweworkedhimtoohard。Now，itturnedoutthattherewasaneighboringbutcher\'sladywholikedtorideinabrougham；andTomkinslentherours，drovehercheerfullytoRichmondandPutney，and，Isuppose，tookoutapaymentinmutton-
chops。WegavethisgoodTomkinswineandmedicineforhisfamilywhensick——wesuppliedhimwithlittlecomfortsandextraswhichneednotnowberemembered——andthegratefulcreaturerewardedusbyinformingsomeofourtradesmenwhomhehonoredwithhiscustom，“Mr。Roundabout?Lor\'blessyou！Icarryhimuptobeddrunkeverynightintheweek。”He，Tomkins，beingamanofsevenstoneweightandfivefeethigh；whereashisemployerwas——butheremodestyinterferes，andIdeclinetoenterintotheavoirdupoisquestion。
Now，whatwasTomkins\'smotivefortheutteranceanddisseminationoftheselies?Theycouldfurthernoconceivableendorinterestofhisown。Hadtheybeentruestories，Tomkins\'smasterwouldstill，andreasonably，havebeenmoreangrythanatthefables。ItwasbutsuicidalslanderonthepartofTomkins——mustcometoadiscovery——
mustendinapunishment。Thepoorwretchhadgothisplaceunder，asitturnedout，afictitiouscharacter。Hemighthavestayedinit，forofcourseTomkinshadawifeandpoorinnocentchildren。Hemighthavehadbread，beer，bed，character，coats，coals。Hemighthavenestledinourlittleisland，comfortablyshelteredfromthestormsoflife；butwewerecompelledtocasthimout，andsendhimdriving，lonely，perishing，tossing，starving，tosea——todrown。Todrown?Therebeothermodesofdeathwherebyroguesdie。Good-by，Tomkins。Andsothenightcapisputon，andtheboltisdrawnforpoorT。
Supposeweweretoinvitevolunteersamongstourrespectedreaderstosendinlittlestatementsofthelieswhichtheyknowhavebeentoldaboutthemselves；whataheapofcorrespondence，whatanexaggerationofmalignities，whatacracklingbonfireofincendiaryfalsehoods，mightwenotgathertogether！Andalieoncesetgoing，havingthebreathoflifebreathedintoitbythefatheroflying，andorderedtorunitsdiabolicallittlecourse，liveswithaprodigiousvitality。Yousay，“Magnaestveritasetpraevalebit。”
Psha！Greatliesareasgreatasgreattruths，andprevailconstantly，anddayafterday。Takeaninstanceortwooutofmyownlittlebudget。Isitnearagentlemanatdinner，andtheconversationturnsuponacertainanonymousliteraryperformancewhichatthetimeisamusingthetown。“Oh，“saysthegentleman，“everybodyknowswhowrotethatpaper:itisMomus\'s。”Iwasayoungauthoratthetime，perhapsproudofmybantling:“Ibegyourpardon，“Isay，“itwaswrittenbyyourhumbleservant。”“Indeed！“
wasallthatthemanreplied，andheshruggedhisshoulders，turnedhisback，andtalkedtohisotherneighbor。Ineverheardsarcasticincredulitymorefinelyconveyedthanbythat“indeed。”“Impudentliar，“thegentleman\'sfacesaid，asclearasfacecouldspeak。
WherewasMagnaVeritas，andhowdidsheprevailthen?Shelifteduphervoice，shemadeherappeal，andshewaskickedoutofcourt。
InNewYorkIreadanewspapercriticismoneday(byanexilefromourshoreswhohastakenuphisabodeintheWesternRepublic)，commentinguponaletterofminewhichhadappearedinacontemporaryvolume，andwhereinitwasstatedthatthewriterwasaladinsuchandsuchayear，and，inpointoffact，Iwas，attheperiodspokenof，nineteenyearsofage。“Falsehood，Mr。Roundabout，“saysthenoblecritic:“Youwerethennotalad；youwerethensix-and-twentyyearsofage。”Youseeheknewbetterthanpapaandmammaandparishregister。ItwaseasierforhimtothinkandsayIlied，onatwopennymatterconnectedwithmyownaffairs，thantoimaginehewasmistaken。Yearsago，inatimewhenwewereverymadwags，ArcturusandmyselfmetagentlemanfromChinawhoknewthelanguage。WebegantospeakChineseagainsthim。WesaidwewereborninChina。Weweretwotoone。Wespokethemandarindialectwithperfectfluency。Wehadthecompanywithus；asintheold，olddays，thesqueakoftherealpigwasvotednottobesonaturalasthesqueakoftheshampig。OArcturus，theshampigsqueaksinourstreetsnowtotheapplauseofmultitudes，andtherealporkergruntsunheededinhissty！
Ioncetalkedforsomelittletimewithanamiablelady:itwasforthefirsttime；andIsawanexpressionofsurpriseonherkindface，whichsaidasplainlyasfacecouldsay，“Sir，doyouknowthatuptothismomentIhavehadacertainopinionofyou，andthatIbegintothinkIhavebeenmistakenormisled?“Inotonlyknowthatshehadheardevilreportsofme，butIknowwhotoldher——oneofthoseacutefellows，mydearbrethren，ofwhomwespokeinaprevioussermon，whohasfoundmeout——foundoutactionswhichI
neverdid，foundoutthoughtsandsayingswhichIneverspoke，andjudgedmeaccordingly。Ah，mylad！haveIfoundYOUout?Orisumteneatis。PerhapsthepersonIamaccusingisnomoreguiltythanI。
Howcomesitthattheevilwhichmensayspreadssowidelyandlastssolong，whilstourgood，kindwordsdon\'tseemsomehowtotakerootandbearblossom?Isitthatinthestonyheartsofmankindtheseprettyflowerscan\'tfindaplacetogrow?Certainitisthatscandalisgood，brisktalk，whereaspraiseofone\'sneighborisbynomeanslivelyhearing。Anacquaintancegrilled，scored，devilled，andservedwithmustardandcayennepepper，excitestheappetite；
whereasasliceofcoldfriendwithcurrantjellyisbutasickly，unrelishingmeat。
Now，suchbeingthecase，mydearworthyMrs。Candor，inwhomIknowthereareahundredgoodandgenerousqualities:itbeingperfectlyclearthatthegoodthingswhichwesayofourneighborsdon\'tfructify，butsomehowperishinthegroundwheretheyaredropped，whilsttheevilwordsarewaftedbyallthewindsofscandal，takerootinallsods，andflourishamazingly——seeing，Isay，thatthisconversationdoesnotgiveusafairchance，supposewegiveupcensoriousnessaltogether，anddeclineutteringouropinionsaboutBrown，Jones，andRobinson(andMesdamesB。，J。，andR。)atall。Wemaybemistakenabouteveryoneofthem，as，pleasegoodness，thoseanecdote-mongersagainstwhomIhaveutteredmymeekprotesthavebeenmistakenaboutme。WeneednotgototheextentofsayingthatMrs。Manningwasanamiablecreature，muchmisunderstood；andJackThurtellagallant，unfortunatefellow，notnearsoblackashewaspainted；butwewilltryandavoidpersonalitiesaltogetherintalk，won\'twe?Wewillrangethefieldsofscience，dearmadam，andcommunicatetoeachotherthepleasingresultsofourstudies。Wewill，ifyouplease，examinetheinfinitesimalwondersofnaturethroughthemicroscope。Wewillcultivateentomology。Wewillsitwithourarmsroundeachother\'swaistsontheponsasinorum，andseethestreamofmathematicsflowbeneath。Wewilltakerefugeincards，andplayat“beggarmyneighbor，“notabusemyneighbor。WewillgototheZoologicalGardensandtalkfreelyaboutthegorillaandhiskindred，butnottalkaboutpeoplewhocantalkintheirturn。SupposewepraisetheHighChurch?weoffendtheLowChurch。
TheBroadChurch?HighandLowarebothoffended。WhatdoyouthinkofLordDerbyasapolitician?AndwhatisyouropinionofLordPalmerston?Ifyouplease，willyouplaymethoselovelyvariationsof“Inmycottagenearawood?“Itisacharmingair(youknowitinFrench，Isuppose?Ah！tedirai-je，maman！)andwasafavoritewithpoorMarieAntoinette。Isay“poor，“becauseIhavearighttospeakwithpityofasovereignwhowasrenownedforsomuchbeautyandsomuchmisfortune。Butasforgivinganyopiniononherconduct，sayingthatshewasgoodorbad，orindifferent，goodnessforbid！Wehaveagreedwewillnotbecensorious。Letushaveagameatcards——atecarte，ifyouplease。Youdeal。Iaskforcards。Ileadthedeuceofclubs……
What?thereisnodeuce！Deucetakeit！What?PeopleWILLgoontalkingabouttheirneighbors，andwon\'thavetheirmouthsstoppedbycards，oreversomuchmicroscopesandaquariums?Ah，mypoordearMrs。Candor，Iagreewithyou。Bytheway，didyoueverseeanythinglikeLadyGodivaTrotter\'sdresslastnight?PeopleWILL
goonchattering，althoughweholdourtongues；and，afterall，mygoodsoul，whatwilltheirscandalmatterahundredyearshence?
SMALL-BEERCHRONICLE。
Notlongsince，atacertainbanquet，IhadthegoodfortunetositbyDoctorPolymathesis，whoknowseverything，andwho，aboutthetimewhentheclaretmadeitsappearance，mentionedthatolddictumofthegrumblingOxfordDon，that“ALLCLARETwouldbeportifitcould！“Imbibingabumperofoneortheothernotungratefully，I
thoughttomyself，“Heresurely，Mr。Roundabout，isagoodtextforoneofyourreverence\'ssermons。”Letusapplytothehumanrace，dearbrethren，whatisheresaidofthevintagesofPortugalandGascony，andweshallhavenodifficultyinperceivinghowmanyclaretsaspiretobeportsintheirway；howmostmenandwomenofouracquaintance，howweourselves，areAquitaniansgivingourselvesLusitanianairs；howwewishtohavecreditforbeingstronger，braver，morebeautiful，moreworthythanwereallyare。
Nay，thebeginningofthishypocrisy——adesiretoexcel，adesiretobehearty，fruity，generous，strength-imparting——isavirtuousandnobleambition；anditismostdifficultforamaninhisowncase，orhisneighbor\'s，tosayatwhatpointthisambitiontransgressestheboundaryofvirtue，andbecomesvanity，pretence，andself-
seeking。Youareapoorman，letussay，showingaboldfacetoadversefortune，andwearingaconfidentaspect。Yourpurseisverynarrow，butyouowenomanapenny；yourmeansarescanty，butyourwife\'sgownisdecent；youroldcoatwellbrushed；yourchildrenatagoodschool；yougrumbletonoone；askfavorsofnoone；truckletononeighborsonaccountoftheirsuperiorrank，or(aworse，andameaner，andamorecommoncrimestill)envynonefortheirbetterfortune。Toalloutwardappearancesyouareaswelltodoasyourneighbors，whohavethriceyourincome。Theremaybeinthiscasesomelittlemixtureofpretensioninyourlifeandbehavior。YoucertainlyDOputonasmilingfacewhilstfortuneispinchingyou。
Yourwifeandgirls，sosmartandneatateveningparties，arecutting，patching，andcobblingalldaytomakebothendsoflife\'shaberdasherymeet。Yougiveafriendabottleofwineonoccasion，butarecontentyourselfwithaglassofwhiskey-and-water。Youavoidacab，sayingthatofallthingsyouliketowalkhomeafterdinner(whichyouknow，mygoodfriend，isafib)。Igrantyouthatinthisschemeoflifetheredoesentereversolittlehypocrisy；
thatthisclaretisloaded，asitwere；butyourdesiretoPORTIFY
yourselfisamiable，ispardonable，isperhapshonorable:andweretherenootherhypocrisiesthanyoursintheworldweshouldbeasetofworthyfellows；andsermonizers，moralizers，satirizers，wouldhavetoholdtheirtongues，andgotosomeothertradetogetaliving。
ButyouknowyouWILLstepoverthatboundarylineofvirtueandmodesty，intothedistrictwherehumbugandvanitybegin，andtherethemoralizercatchesyouandmakesanexampleofyou。Forinstance，inacertainnovelinanotherplacemyfriendMr。TalbotTwysdenismentioned——amanwhomyouandIknowtobeawretchedordinaire，butwhopersistsintreatinghimselfasifhewasthefinest\'20port。InourBritaintherearehundredsofmenlikehim；
foreverstrivingtoswellbeyondtheirnaturalsize，tostrainbeyondtheirnaturalstrength，tostepbeyondtheirnaturalstride。
Search，searchwithinyourownwaistcoats，dearbrethren——YOUknowinyourhearts，whichofyourordinairequalitiesyouwouldpassoff，andfainconsiderasfirst-rateport。Andwhynotyouyourself，Mr。Preacher?saysthecongregation。Dearlybeloved，neitherinoroutofthispulpitdoIprofesstobebigger，orcleverer，orwiser，orbetterthananyofyou。Ashortwhilesince，acertainReviewerannouncedthatIgavemyselfgreatpretensionsasaphilosopher。Iaphilosopher！Iadvancepretensions！MydearSaturdayfriend。Andyou?Don\'tyouteacheverythingtoeverybody?
andpunishthenaughtyboysiftheydon\'tlearnasyoubidthem?
YouteachpoliticstoLordJohnandMr。Gladstone。Youteachpoetshowtowrite；painters，howtopaint；gentlemen，manners；andopera-
dancers，howtopirouette。IwasnotalittleamusedoflatebyaninstanceofthemodestyofourSaturdayfriend，who，moreAthenianthantheAthenians，andaproposofaGreekbookbyaGreekauthor，satdownandgravelyshowedtheGreekgentlemanhowtowritehisownlanguage。
No，Idonot，asfarasIknow，trytobeportatall；butofferinthesepresents，asoundgenuineordinaire，at18s。perdoz。letussay，grownonmyownhillside，andoffereddeboncoeurtothosewhowillsitdownundermytonnelle，andhaveahalf-hour\'sdrinkandgossip。Itisnoneofyourhotporto，myfriend。Iknowthereismuchbetterandstrongerliquorelsewhere。Somepronounceitsour:
somesayitisthin；somethatithaswofullylostitsflavor。Thismayormaynotbetrue。Therearegoodandbadyears；yearsthatsurpriseeverybody；yearsofwhichtheproduceissmallandbad，orrichandplentiful。Butifmytapisnotgenuineitisnaught，andnomanshouldgivehimselfthetroubletodrinkit。IdonotevensaythatIwouldbeportifIcould；knowingthatport(bywhichI
wouldimplymuchstronger，deeper，richer，andmoredurableliquorthanmyvineyardcanfurnish)isnotrelishedbyallpalates，orsuitabletoallheads。Wewillassumethen，dearbrother，thatyouandIaretolerablymodestpeople；and，ourselvesbeingthusoutofthequestion，proceedtoshowhowpretentiousourneighborsare，andhowverymanyofthemwouldbeportiftheycould。
Haveyouneverseenasmallmanfromcollegeplacedamongstgreatfolk，andgivinghimselftheairsofamanoffashion?HegoesbacktohiscommonroomwithfondreminiscencesofErmineCastleorStrawberryHall。Hewritestothedearcountess，tosaythatdearLordLollypopisgettingonverywellatSt。Boniface，andthattheaccidentwhichhemetwithinascufflewithaninebriatedbargemanonlyshowedhisspiritandhonor，andwillnotpermanentlydisfigurehislordship\'snose。HegetshisclothesfromdearLollypop\'sLondontailor，andwearsamauveormagentatiewhenheridesouttoseethehounds。Aloveoffashionablepeopleisaweakness，Idonotsayofall，butofsometutors。WitnessthatEtontutort\'otherday，whointimatedthatinCornhillwecouldnotunderstandtheperfectpurity，delicacy，andrefinementofthosegenteelfamilieswhosenttheirsonstoEton。Ousher，monami！OldSamJohnson，who，too，hadbeenanusherinhisearlylife，keptalittleofthatweaknessalways。SupposeGoldsmithhadknockedhimupatthreeinthemorningandproposedaboattoGreenwich，asTophamBeauclercandhisfrienddid，wouldhehavesaid，“What，myboy，areyouforafrolic?I\'mwithyou！“andgoneandputonhisclothes?RatherhewouldhavepitchedpoorGoldsmithdownstairs。Hewouldhavelikedtobeportifhecould。OfcourseWEwouldn\'t。OuropinionofthePortugalgrapeisknown。Itgrowsveryhigh，andisverysour，andwedon\'tgoforthatkindofgrapeatall。
“IwaswalkingwithMr。Fox“——andsurethisanecdotecomesverypatafterthegrapes——“IwaswalkingwithMr。FoxintheLouvre，“saysBenjaminWest(apudsomepaperIhavejustbeenreading)，“andI
remarkedhowmanypeopleturnedroundtolookatME。ThisshowstherespectoftheFrenchforthefinearts。”Thisisacuriousinstanceofaverysmallclaretindeed，whichimagineditselftobeportofthestrongestbody。Therearenotmanyinstancesofafaithsodeep，sosimple，sosatisfactoryasthis。Ihavemetmanywhowouldliketobeport；butwithfewoftheGasconsort，whoabsolutelybelievedtheyWEREport。GeorgeIII。believedinWest\'sportandthoughtReynolds\'soverratedstuff。WhenIsawWest\'spicturesatPhiladelphia，Ilookedatthemwithastonishmentandawe。Hide，blushingglory，hideyourheadunderyouroldnightcap。
Oimmortality！isthistheendofyou?Didanyofyou，mydearbrethren，evertryandread“Blackmore\'sPoems，“orthe“EpicsofBaour-Lormian，“orthe“Henriade，“or——whatshallwesay?——Pollok\'s“CourseofTime?“Theywerethoughttobemorelastingthanbrassbysomepeople，andwherearetheynow?AndOURmasterpiecesofliterature——OURpoets——that，ifnotimmortal，atanyrate，aretolasttheirfifty，theirhundredyears——oh，sirs，don\'tyouthinkaverysmallcellarwillholdthem?
Thosepoorpeopleinbrass，onpedestals，hectoringaboutTrafalgarSquareandthatneighborhood，don\'tyouthinkmanyofthem——apartevenfromtheridiculousexecution——cutratheraridiculousfigure，andthatwearetooeagertosetupourordinaireheroismandtalentforport?ADukeofWellingtonortwoIwillgrant，thoughevenoftheseidolsamoderatesupplywillbesufficient。SomeyearsagoafamousandwittyFrenchcriticwasinLondon，withwhomIwalkedthestreets。IamashamedtosaythatIinformedhim(beinginhopesthathewasabouttowritesomepapersregardingthemannersandcustomsofthiscountry)thatallthestatueshesawrepresentedtheDukeofWellington。ThatonthearchoppositeApsleyHouse?theDukeinacloak，andcockedhat，onhorseback。ThatbehindApsleyHouseinanairyfig-leafcostume?theDukeagain。ThatinCockspurStreet?theDukewithapigtail——andsoon。IshowedhimanarmyofDukes。Therearemanybronzeheroeswhoafterafewyearslookalreadyasfoolish，awkward，andoutofplaceasaman，sayatShoolbred\'sorSwanandEdgar\'s。Forexample，thosethreeGrenadiersinPallMall，whohavebeenuponlyafewmonths，don\'tyoupitythoseunhappyhouseholdtroops，whohavetostandfrowningandlookingfiercethere；andthinktheywouldliketostepdownandgotobarracks?Thattheyfoughtverybravelythereisnodoubt；
butsodidtheRussiansfightverybravely；andtheFrenchfightverybravely；andsodidColonelJonesandthe99th，andColonelBrownandthe100th；andIsayagainthatordinaireshouldnotgiveitselfportairs，andthatanhonestordinairewouldblushtobefoundswaggeringso。IamsureifyoucouldconsulttheDukeofYork，whoisimpaledonhiscolumnbetweenthetwoclubs，andaskhislateRoyalHighnesswhetherhethoughtheoughttoremainthere，hewouldsayno。Abrave，worthyman，notabraggartorboaster，tobeputuponthatheroicperchmustbepainfultohim。LordGeorgeBentinck，Isuppose，beinginthemidstofthefamilyparkinCavendishSquare，mayconceivethathehasarighttoremaininhisplace。ButlookatWilliamofCumberland，withhishatcockedoverhiseye，prancingbehindLordGeorgeonhisRoman-nosedcharger；he，dependonit，wouldbeforgettingoffhishorseifhehadthepermission。Hedidnothesitateabouttrifles，asweknow；buthewasaverytruth-tellingandhonorablesoldier:andasforheroicrankandstatuesquedignity，Iwouldwageradozenof\'20portagainstabottleofpureandsoundBordeaux，at18s。perdozen(bottlesincluded)，thatheneverwouldthinkofclaiminganysuchabsurddistinction。TheyhavegotastatueofThomasMooreatDublin，Ihear。Isheonhorseback?Somemenshouldhave，say，afiftyyears\'leaseofglory。Afterawhilesomegentlemennowinbrassshouldgotothemeltingfurnace，andreappearinsomeothergentleman\'sshape。LatelyIsawthatMelvillecolumnrisingoverEdinburgh；come，goodmenandtrue，don\'tyoufeelalittleawkwardanduneasywhenyouwalkunderit?Whowasthistostandinheroicplaces?andisyonthemanwhomScotchmenmostdelighttohonor?I
mustowndeferentiallythatthereisatendencyinNorthBritaintoover-esteemitsheroes。Scotchaleisverygoodandstrong，butitisnotstrongerthanalltheotherbeerintheworld，assomeScottishpatriotswouldinsist。Whentherehasbeenawar，andstoutoldSandySansculottereturnshomefromIndiaorCrimea，whatabagpiping，shouting，hurraying，andself-glorificationtakesplaceroundabouthim！Youwouldfancy，tohearMcOratorafterdinner，thattheScotchhadfoughtallthebattles，killedalltheRussians，Indianrebels，orwhatnot。InCupar-Fife，there\'salittleinncalledthe“BattleofWaterloo，“andwhatdoyouthinkthesignis?
(Isketchfrommemory，tobesure。)*“TheBattleofWaterloo“isonebroadScotchmanlayingabouthimwithabroadsword。Yes，yes，mydearMac，youarewise，youaregood，youareclever，youarehandsome，youarebrave，youarerich，&c。；butsoisJonesovertheborder。Scotchsalmonisgood，butthereareothergoodfishinthesea。IonceheardaScotchmanlectureonpoetryinLondon。OfcoursethepiecesheselectedwerechieflybyScottishauthors，andWalterScottwashisfavoritepoet。Iwhisperedtomyneighbor，whowasaScotchman(bytheway，theaudiencewerealmostallScotch，andtheroomwasAll-Mac\'s——Ibegyourpardon，butIcouldn\'thelpit，Ireallycouldn\'thelpit)——“TheprofessorhassaidthebestpoetwasaScotchman:IwagerthathewillsaytheworstpoetwasaScotchman，too。”Andsureenoughthatworstpoet，whenhemadehisappearance，wasaNorthernBriton。
*Thisreferstoanillustratededitionofthework。】】
Andaswearetalkingofbragging，andIamonmytravels，canI
forgetonemightyrepublic——one——twomightyrepublics，wherepeoplearenotoriouslyfondofpassingofftheirclaretforport?Iamveryglad，forthesakeofakindfriend，thatthereisagreatandinfluentialpartyintheUnited，and，Itrust，intheConfederateStates，*whobelievethatCatawbawineisbetterthanthebestChampagne。OppositethatfamousoldWhiteHouseatWashington，whereofIshalleverhaveagratefulmemory，theyhavesetupanequestrianstatueofGeneralJackson，byaself-taughtAmericanartistofnoinconsiderablegeniusandskill。Atanevening-partyamemberofCongressseizedmeinacorneroftheroom，andaskedmeifIdidnotthinkthiswasTHEFINESTEQUESTRIANSTATUEINTHE
WORLD?HowwasItodealwiththisplainquestion，puttomeinacorner?Iwasboundtoreply，andaccordinglysaidthatIdidNOT
thinkitwasthefineststatueintheworld。“Well，sir，“saystheMemberofCongress，“butyoumustrememberthatMr。M——hadneverseenastatuewhenhemadethis！“IsuggestedthattoseeotherstatuesmightdoMr。M——noharm。Norwasanymanmorewillingtoownhisdefects，ormoremodestregardinghismerits，thanthesculptorhimself，whomImetsubsequently。Butoh！whatacharmingarticletherewasinaWashingtonpapernextdayabouttheimpertinenceofcriticismandoffensivetoneofarrogancewhichEnglishmenadoptedtowardsmenandworksofgeniusinAmerica！“Whowasthisman，who“&c。&c。?TheWashingtonwriterwasangrybecauseIwouldnotacceptthisAmericanclaretasthefinestport-wineintheworld。Ahme！Itisaboutbloodandnotwinethatthequarrelnowis，andwhoshallforetellitsend?
*WritteninJuly，1861。
Howmuchclaretthatwouldbeportifitcouldishandedaboutineverysociety！IntheHouseofCommonswhatsmall-beeroratorstrytopassforstrong?Stay:haveIaspiteagainstanyone?ItisafactthatthewifeoftheMemberforBungayhasleftoffaskingmeandMrs。Roundabouttoherevening-parties。Nowisthetimetohaveaslapathim。Iwillsaythathewasalwaysoverrated，andthatnowheislamentablyfallingoffevenfromwhathehasbeen。IwillbacktheMemberforStokePogesagainsthim；andshowthatthedashingyoungMemberforIslingtonisafarsoundermanthaneither。
HaveIanylittleliteraryanimosities?Ofcoursenot。Menoflettersneverhave。Otherwise，howIcouldserveoutacompetitorhere，makeafaceoverhisworks，andshowthatthiswould-beportisverymeagreordinaireindeed！Nonsense，man！Whysosqueamish?
DotheyspareYOU！Nowyouhavethewhipinyourhand，won\'tyoulayon?Youusedtobeaprettywhipenoughasayoungman，andlikedittoo。Istherenoenemywhowouldbethebetterforalittlethonging?No。Ihavemilitatedinformertimes，notwithoutglory；butIgrowpeaceableasIgrowold。AndifIhavealiteraryenemy，why，hewillprobablywriteabookerelong，andthenitwillbeHISturn，andmyfavoritereviewwillbedownuponhim。
Mybrethren，thesesermonsareprofessedlyshort；forIhavethatopinionofmydearcongregation，whichleadsmetothinkthatwereI
topreachatgreatlengththeywouldyawn，stamp，makenoises，andperhapsgostraightwayoutofchurch；andyetwiththistextI
protestIcouldgoonforhours。Whatmultitudesofmen，whatmultitudesofwomen，mydears，passofftheirordinaireforport，theirsmallbeerforstrong！Inliterature，inpolitics，inthearmy，thenavy，thechurch，atthebar，intheworld，whatanimmensequantityofcheapliquorismadetodoserviceforbettersorts！AskSerjeantRolandhisopinionofOliverQ。C。“Ordinaire，mygoodfellow，ordinaire，withaport-winelabel！“AskOliverhisopinionofRoland。“Neverwasamansooverratedbytheworldandbyhimself。”AskTweedledumskihisopinionofTweedledeestein\'sperformance。“Aquack，mytearsir！anignoramus，Igeefyoumyvort?Hegomboseanopera！Heisnotfittomakedanceabear！“
AskPaddingtonandBuckminster，thosetwo“swells“offashion，whattheythinkofeachother?Theyarenotoriousordinaire。YouandI
rememberwhentheypassedforverysmallwine，andnowhowhighandmightytheyhavebecome。WhatdoyousaytoTomkins\'ssermons?
Ordinaire，tryingtogodownasorthodoxport，andverymeagreordinairetoo！ToHopkins\'shistoricalworks?——toPumkins\'spoetry?
Ordinaire，ordinaireagain——thin，feeble，overrated；andsodownthewholelist。Andwhenwehavedonediscussingourmenfriends，havewenotallthewomen?Dothesenotadvanceabsurdpretensions?Dothesenevergivethemselvesairs?Withfeeblebrains，don\'ttheyoftensetuptobeespritsforts?Don\'ttheypretendtobewomenoffashion，andcuttheirbetters?Don\'ttheytryandpassofftheirordinary-lookinggirlsasbeautiesofthefirstorder?Everymaninhiscircleknowswomenwhogivethemselvesairs，andtowhomwecanapplytheport-winesimile。
Come，myfriends。Hereisenoughofordinaireandportforto-day。
Mybottlehasrunout。Willanybodyhaveanymore?Letusgoupstairs，andgetacupofteafromtheladies。
OGRES。
Idaresaythereaderhasremarkedthattheuprightandindependentvowel，whichstandsinthevowel-listbetweenEandO，hasformedthesubjectofthemainpartoftheseessays。Howdoesthatvowelfeelthismorning?——fresh，good-humored，andlively?TheRoundaboutlines，whichfallfromthispen，arecorrespondinglybriskandcheerful。Hasanything，onthecontrary，disagreedwiththevowel?
Hasitsrestbeendisturbed，orwasyesterday\'sdinnertoogood，oryesterday\'swinenotgoodenough?Undersuchcircumstances，adarkling，misanthropictinge，nodoubt，iscastuponthepaper。Thejokes，ifattempted，areelaborateanddreary。Thebittertemperbreaksout。Thatsneeringmannerisadopted，whichyouknow，andwhichexhibitsitselfsoespeciallywhenthewriterisspeakingaboutwomen。Amoodycarelessnesscomesoverhim。Heseesnogoodinanybodyorthing:andtreatsgentlemen，ladies，history，andthingsingeneral，withalikegloomyflippancy。Agreed。Whenthevowelinquestionisinthatmood，ifyoulikeairygayetyandtendergushingbenevolence——ifyouwanttobesatisfiedwithyourselfandtherestofyourfellow-beings；Irecommendyou，mydearcreature，togotosomeothershopinCornhill，orturntosomeotherarticle。Therearemoodsinthemindofthevowelofwhichwearespeaking，whenitisill-conditionedandcaptious。Whoalwayskeepsgoodhealth，andgoodhumor?Donotphilosophersgrumble?
Arenotsagessometimesoutoftemper?anddonotangel-womengooffintantrums?To-daymymoodisdark。IscowlasIdipmypenintheinkstand。
Hereisthedaycomeround——foreverythinghereisdonewiththeutmostregularity:——intellectuallabor，sixteenhours；meals，thirty-twominutes；exercise，ahundredandforty-eightminutes；
conversationwiththefamily，chieflyliterary，andaboutthehousekeeping，onehourandfourminutes；sleep，threehoursandfifteenminutes(attheendofthemonth，whentheMagazineiscomplete，IownItakeeightminutesmore)；andtherestforthetoiletteandtheworld。Well，Isay，theRoundaboutPaperDaybeingcome，andthesubjectlongsincesettledinmymind，anexcellentsubject——amosttelling，lively，andpopularsubject——Igotobreakfastdeterminedtofinishthatmealin93/4minutes，asusual，andthenretiretomydeskandwork，when——oh，provoking！——hereinthepaperistheverysubjecttreated，onwhichIwasgoingtowrite！YesterdayanotherpaperwhichIsawtreatedit——andofcourse，asIneednottellyou，spoiledit。LastSaturday，anotherpaperhadanarticleonthesubject；perhapsyoumayguesswhatitwas——butIwon\'ttellyou。Onlythisistrue，myfavoritesubject，whichwasabouttomakethebestpaperwehavehadforalongtime:
mybird，mygamethatIwasgoingtoshootandserveupwithsuchadelicatesauce，hasbeenfoundbyothersportsmen；andpop，pop，pop，ahalf-dozenofgunshavebangedatit，mangledit，andbroughtitdown。
“Andcan\'tyoutakesomeothertext?“sayyou。Allthisismightywell。Butifyouhavesetyourheartonacertaindishfordinner，beitcoldboiledveal，orwhatyouwill，andtheybringyouturtleandvenison，don\'tyoufeeldisappointed?Duringyourwalkyouhavebeenmakingupyourmindthatthatcoldmeat，withmoderationandapickle，willbeaverysufficientdinner:youhaveaccustomedyourthoughtstoit；andhere，inplaceofit，isaturkey，surroundedbycoarsesausages，orareekingpigeon-pieorafulsomeroast-pig。I
haveknownmanyagoodandkindmanmadefuriouslyangrybysuchacontretemps。Ihaveknownhimlosehistemper，callhiswifeandservantsnames，andawholehouseholdmademiserable。If，then，asisnotoriouslythecase，itistoodangeroustobalkamanabouthisdinner，howmuchmoreabouthisarticle?Icametomymealwithanogre-likeappetiteandgusto。Fee，faw，fum！Wife，whereisthattenderlittlePrincekin?Haveyoutrussedhim，anddidyoustuffhimnicely，andhaveyoutakencaretobastehimanddohim，nottoobrown，asItoldyou?Quick！Iamhungry！Ibegintowhetmyknife，torollmyeyesabout，androarandclapmyhugechestlikeagorilla；andthenmypoorOgrinahastotellmethatthelittleprinceshaveallrunaway，whilstshewasinthekitchen，makingthepastetobakethemin！Ipauseinthedescription。Iwon\'tcondescendtoreportthebadlanguage，whichyouknowmustensue，whenanogre，whosemindisillregulated，andwhosehabitsofself-
indulgencearenotorious，findshimselfdisappointedofhisgreedyhopes。Whattreatmentofhiswife，whatabuseandbrutalbehaviortohischildren，who，thoughogrillons，arechildren！Mydears，youmayfancy，andneednotaskmydelicatepentodescribe，thelanguageandbehaviorofavulgar，coarse，greedy，largemanwithanimmensemouthandteeth，whicharetoofrequentlyemployedinthegobblingandcrunchingofrawman\'smeat。
AndinthiscircuitouswayyouseeIhavereachedmypresentsubject，whichis，Ogres。Youfancytheyaredeadoronlyfictitiouscharacters——mythicalrepresentativesofstrength，cruelty，stupidity，andlustforblood?Thoughtheyhadseven-
leaguedboots，yourememberallsortsoflittlewhipping-snappingTomThumbsusedtoeludeandoutrunthem。Theyweresostupidthattheygaveintothemostshallowambuscadesandartifices:witnessthatwell-knownogre，who，becauseJackcutopenthehasty-pudding，instantlyrippedopenhisownstupidwaistcoatandinterior。Theywerecruel，brutal，disgusting，withtheirsharpenedteeth，immenseknives，androaringvoices！buttheyalwaysendedbybeingovercomebylittleTomThumbkins，orsomeothersmartlittlechampion。
Yes；theywereconqueredintheendthereisnodoubt。Theyplungedheadlong(andutteringthemostfrightfulbadlanguage)intosomepitwhereJackcamewithhissmartcouteaudechasseandwhippedtheirbrutalheadsoff。Theywouldbegoingtodevourmaidens，“ButeverwhenitseemedTheirneedwasatthesorest，Aknight，inarmorbright，Cameridingthroughtheforest。”
Anddown，afteracombat，wouldgothebrutalpersecutor，withalancethroughhismidriff。Yes，Isay，thisisverytrueandwell。
Butyourememberthatroundtheogre\'scavethegroundwascovered，forhundredsandhundredsofyards，WITHTHEBONESOFTHEVICTIMS
whomhehadluredintothecastle。Manyknightsandmaidscametohimandperishedunderhisknifeandteeth。Weredragonsthesameasogres?monstersdwellingincaverns，whencetheyrushed，attiredinplatearmor，wieldingpikesandtorches，anddestroyingstraypassengerswhopassedbytheirlair?Monsters，brutes，rapacioustyrants，ruffians，astheywere，doubtlesstheyendedbybeingovercome。But，beforetheyweredestroyed，theydidadealofmischief。Thebonesroundtheircaveswerecountless。TheyhadsentmanybravesoulstoHades，beforetheirownfled，howlingoutoftheirrascalcarcasses，tothesameplaceofgloom。
Thereisnogreatermistakethantosupposethatfairies，champions，distresseddamsels，andbyconsequenceogres，haveceasedtoexist。
ItmaynotbeOGREABLEtothem(pardonthehorriblepleasantry，butasIamwritinginthesolitudeofmychamber，Iamgrindingmyteeth——yelling，roaring，andcursing——brandishingmyscissorsandpaper-cutter，andasitwere，havebecomeanogre)。Isaythereisnogreatermistakethantosupposethatogreshaveceasedtoexist。
WeallKNOWogres。Theircavernsareroundus，andaboutus。TherearethecastlesofseveralogreswithinamileofthespotwhereI
write。IthinksomeofthemsuspectIamanogremyself。Iamnot:
butIknowtheyare。Ivisitthem。Idon\'tmeantosaythattheytakeacoldroastprinceoutofthecupboard，andhaveacannibalfeastbeforeME。ButIseetheboneslyingabouttheroadstotheirhouses，andintheareasandgardens。Politeness，ofcourse，preventsmefrommakinganyremarks；butIknowthemwellenough。
Oneofthewaystoknow\'emistowatchthescaredlooksoftheogres\'wivesandchildren。Theyleadanawfullife。Theyarepresentatdreadfulcruelties。Intheirexcessesthoseogreswillstababout，andkillnotonlystrangerswhohappentocallinandaskanight\'slodging，buttheywilloutrage，murder，andchopuptheirownkin。Weallknowogres，Isay，andhavebeenintheirdensoften。ItisnotnecessarythatogreswhoaskyoutodineshouldoffertheirgueststhePECULIARDISHwhichtheylike。TheycannotalwaysgetaTomThumbfamily。Theyeatmuttonandbeeftoo；
andIdaresayevengoouttotea，andinviteyoutodrinkit。ButItellyoutherearenumbersofthemgoingaboutintheworld。Andnowyouhavemywordforit，andthislittlehint，itisquitecuriouswhataninterestsocietymaybemadetohaveforyou，byyourdeterminingtofindouttheogresyoumeetthere。
Whatdoesthemanmean?saysMrs。Downright，towhomajokeisaverygravething。Imean，madam，thatinthecompanyassembledinyourgenteeldrawing-room，whobowhereandthereandsmirkinwhiteneck-cloths，youreceivemenwhoelbowthroughlifesuccessfullyenough，butwhoareogresinprivate:menwicked，false，rapacious，flattering；cruelhectorsathome，smilingcourtiersabroad；causingwives，children，servants，parents，totremblebeforethem，andsmilingandbowingastheybidstrangerswelcomeintotheircastles。
Isay，therearemenwhohavecrunchedthebonesofvictimaftervictim；inwhoseclosetslieskeletonspickedfrightfullyclean。
