Butwhilsthewastalkingabouthisdinner，andhismutton，andhislandlord，andhisbusiness，IfeltagreatinterestaboutMr。M。inprivatelife——abouthiswife，lodgings，earnings，andgeneralhistory，andIdaresaywasformingapictureofthoseinmymind——
wifecookingthemutton:childrenwaitingforit；Merrymaninhisplainclothes，andsoforth；duringwhichcontemplationthejokewasutteredandlaughedat，andMr。M。，resuminghisprofessionalduties，wastumblingoverheadandheels。DonotsupposeIamgoing，sicutestmos，toindulgeinmoralitiesaboutbuffoons，paint，motley，andmountebanking。Nay，PrimeMinistersrehearsetheirjokes；Oppositionleadersprepareandpolishthem；Tabernaclepreachersmustarrangethemintheirmindsbeforetheyutterthem。
AllImeanis，thatIwouldliketoknowanyoneoftheseperformersthoroughly，andoutofhisuniform:thatpreacher，andwhyinhistravelsthisandthatpointstruckhim；whereinlieshispowerofpathos，humor，eloquence；——thatMinisterofState，andwhatmoveshim，andhowhisprivateheartisworking；——Iwouldonlysaythat，atacertaintimeoflifecertainthingsceasetointerest:butaboutSOMEthingswhenweceasetocare，whatwillbetheuseoflife，sight，hearing?Poemsarewritten，andweceasetoadmire。
LadyJonesinvitesus，andweyawn；sheceasestoinviteus，andweareresigned。ThelasttimeIsawaballetattheopera——oh！itismanyyearsago——Ifellasleepinthestalls，waggingmyheadininsanedreams，andIhopeaffordingamusementtothecompany，whilethefeetoffivehundrednymphswerecuttingflicflacsonthestageatafewpaces\'distance。Ah，Irememberadifferentstateofthings！Crediteposteri。Toseethosenymphs——graciouspowers，howbeautifultheywere！Thatleering，painted，shrivelled，thin-armed，thick-ankledoldthing，cuttingdrearycapers，comingthumpingdownonherboardoutoftime——THATanopera-dancer?Pooh！MydearWalter，thegreatdifferencebetweenMYtimeandyours，whowillenterlifesometwoorthreeyearshence，isthat，now，thedancingwomenandsingingwomenareludicrouslyold，outoftime，andoutoftune；thepaintissovisible，andthedingeandwrinklesoftheirwretchedoldcottonstockings，thatIamsurprisedhowanybodycanliketolookatthem。AndasforlaughingatMEforfallingasleep，Ican\'tunderstandamanofsensedoingotherwise。InMYtime，alabonneheure。InthereignofGeorgeIV。，Igiveyoumyhonor，allthedancersattheoperawereasbeautifulasHouris。EveninWilliamIV。\'stime，whenIthinkofDuvernayprancinginastheBayadere，——Isayitwasavisionoflovelinesssuchasmortaleyescan\'tseenow-a-days。HowwellIrememberthetunetowhichsheusedtoappear！KaledusedtosaytotheSultan，“Mylord，atroopofthosedancingandsinginggurlscalledBayaderesapproaches，“
and，totheclashofcymbals，andthethumpingofmyheart，insheusedtodance！Therehasneverbeenanythinglikeit——never。Thereneverwillbe——IlaughtoscornoldpeoplewhotellmeaboutyourNoblet，yourMontessu，yourVestris，yourParisot——pshaw，theseniletwaddlers！Andtheimpudenceoftheyoungmen，withtheirmusicandtheirdancersofto-day！Itellyouthewomenaredrearyoldcreatures。Itellyouoneairinanoperaisjustlikeanother，andtheysendallrationalcreaturestosleep。Ah，RonzideBegnis，thoulovelyone！Ah，Caradoni，thousmilingangel！Ah，Malibran！
Nay，Iwillcometomoderntimes，andacknowledgethatLablachewasaverygoodsingerthirtyyearsago(thoughPortowastheboyforme):andthenwehadAmbrogetti，andCurioni，andDonzelli，arisingyoungsinger。
ButwhatismostcertainandlamentableisthedecayofstagebeautysincethedaysofGeorgeIV。ThinkofSontag！IrememberherinOtelloandtheDonnadelLagoin\'28。Irememberbeingbehindthescenesattheopera(wherenumbersofusyoungfellowsoffashionusedtogo)，andseeingSontagletherhairfalldownoverhershouldersprevioustohermurderbyDonzelli。YoungfellowshaveneverseenbeautylikeTHAT，heardsuchavoice，seensuchhair，sucheyes。Don\'ttellME！AmanwhohasbeenabouttownsincethereignofGeorgeIV。，oughthenottoknowbetterthanyouyoungladswhohaveseennothing?Thedeteriorationofwomenislamentable；
andtheconceitoftheyoungfellowsmorelamentablestill，thattheywon\'tseethisfact，butpersistinthinkingtheirtimeasgoodasours。
Blessme！whenIwasalad，thestagewascoveredwithangels，whosang，acted，anddanced。WhenIremembertheAdelphi，andtheactressesthere:whenIthinkofMissChester，andMissLove，andMrs。SerleatSadler\'sWells，andherfortygloriouspupils——oftheOperaandNoblet，andtheexquisiteyoungTaglioni，andPaulineLeroux，andahostmore！Onemuch-admiredbeingofthosedaysI
confessInevercaredfor，andthatwasthechiefMALEdancer——averyimportantpersonagethen，withabareneck，barearms，atunic，andahatandfeathers，whousedtodividetheapplausewiththeladies，andwhohasnowsunkdownatrap-doorforever。AndthisfrankadmissionoughttoshowthatIamnotyourmeretwaddlinglaudatortemporisacti——youroldfogywhocanseenogoodexceptinhisowntime。
Theysaythatclaretisbetternow-a-days，andcookerymuchimprovedsincethedaysofMYmonarch——ofGeorgeIV。PastryCookeryiscertainlynotsogood。Ihaveofteneatenhalfacrown\'sworth(including，Itrust，ginger-beer)atourschoolpastry-cook\'s，andthatisaproofthatthepastrymusthavebeenverygood，forcouldIdoasmuchnow?Ipassedbythepastry-cook\'sshoplately，havingoccasiontovisitmyoldschool。Itlookedaverydingyoldbaker\'s；misfortunesmayhavecomeoverhim——thosepennytartscertainlydidNOTlooksoniceasIrememberthem:buthemayhavegrowncarelessashehasgrownold(Ishouldjudgehimtobenowaboutninety-sixyearsofage)，andhishandmayhavelostitscunning。
Notthatwewerenotgreatepicures。Irememberhowweconstantlygrumbledatthequantityofthefoodinourmaster\'shouse——whichonmyconscienceIbelievewasexcellentandplentiful——andhowwetriedonceortwicetoeathimoutofhouseandhome。Atthepastry-cook\'swemayhaveover-eatenourselves(Ihaveadmittedhalfacrown\'sworthformyownpart，butIdon\'tliketomentiontheREALfigureforfearofpervertingthepresentgenerationofboysbymymonstrousconfession)——wemayhaveeatentoomuch，Isay。Wedid；butwhatthen?Theschoolapothecarywassentfor:acoupleofsmallglobulesatnight，atriflingpreparationofsennainthemorning，andwehadnottogotoschool，sothatthedraughtwasanactualpleasure。
Forouramusements，besidesthegamesinvogue，whichwereprettymuchinoldtimesastheyarenow(exceptcricket，parexemple——andIwishthepresentyouthjoyoftheirbowling，andsupposeArmstrongandWhitworthwillbowlatthemwithlightfield-piecesnext)，therewerenovels——ah！Itroubleyoutofindsuchnovelsinthepresentday！OScottishChiefs，didn\'tweweepoveryou！OMysteriesofUdolpho，didn\'tIandBriggsMinordrawpicturesoutofyou，asI
havesaid?Efforts，feebleindeed，butstillgivingpleasuretousandourfriends。“Isay，oldboy，drawusVivalditorturedintheInquisition，“or，“DrawusDonQuixoteandthewindmills，youknow，“
amateurswouldsay，toboyswhohadaloveofdrawing。“PeregrinePickle“weliked，ourfathersadmiringit，andtellingus(theslyoldboys)itwascapitalfun；butIthinkIwasratherbewilderedbyit，though“RoderickRandom“wasandremainsdelightful。Idon\'trememberhavingSterneintheschoollibrary，nodoubtbecausetheworksofthatdivinewerenotconsidereddecentforyoungpeople。
Ah！notagainstthygenius，OfatherofUncleTobyandTrim，wouldI
sayawordindisrespect。ButIamthankfultoliveintimeswhenmennolongerhavethetemptationtowritesoastocallblushesonwomen\'scheeks，andwouldshametowhisperwickedallusionstohonestboys。Then，aboveall，wehadWALTERSCOTT，thekindly，thegenerous，thepure——thecompanionofwhatcountlessdelightfulhours；thepurveyorofhowmuchhappiness；thefriendwhomwerecallastheconstantbenefactorofouryouth！HowwellIrememberthetypeandthebrownishpaperoftheoldduodecimo“TalesofmyLandlord！“Ihaveneverdaredtoreadthe“Pirate，“andthe“BrideofLammermoor，“or“Kenilworth，“fromthatdaytothis，becausethefinaleisunhappy，andpeopledie，andaremurderedattheend。But“Ivanhoe，“and“QuentinDurward！“Oh！forahalf-holiday，andaquietcorner，andoneofthosebooksagain！Thosebooks，andperhapsthoseeyeswithwhichwereadthem；and，itmaybe，thebrainsbehindtheeyes！Itmaybethetartwasgood；buthowfreshtheappetitewas！Ifthegodswouldgivemethedesireofmyheart，Ishouldbeabletowriteastorywhichboyswouldrelishforthenextfewdozenofcenturies。Theboy-criticlovesthestory:grownup，helovestheauthorwhowrotethestory。Hencethekindlytieisestablishedbetweenwriterandreader，andlastsprettynearlyforlife。Imeetpeoplenowwhodon\'tcareforWalterScott，orthe“ArabianNights；“Iamsorryforthem，unlesstheyintheirtimehavefoundTHEIRromancer——theircharmingScheherazade。Bytheway，Walter，whenyouarewriting，tellmewhoisthefavoritenovelistinthefourthformnow?haveyougotanythingsogoodandkindlyasdearMissEdgeworth\'sFrank?Itusedtobelongtoafellow\'ssistersgenerally；butthoughhepretendedtodespiseit，andsaid，“Oh，stuffforgirls！“hereadit；andIthinktherewereoneortwopassageswhichwouldtrymyeyesnow，wereItomeetwiththelittlebook。
AsforThomasandJeremiah(itisonlymywittywayofcallingTomandJerry)，IwenttotheBritishMuseumtheotherdayonpurposetogetit；butsomehow，ifyouwillpressthequestionsoclosely，onreperusal，TomandJerryisnotsobrilliantasIhadsupposedittobe。Thepicturesarejustasfineasever；andIshookhandswithbroad-backedJerryHawthornandCorinthianTomwithdelight，aftermanyyears\'absence。Butthestyleofthewriting，Iown，wasnotpleasingtome；Ieventhoughtitalittlevulgar——well！well！otherwritershavebeenconsideredvulgar——andasadescriptionofthesportsandamusementsofLondonintheancienttimes，morecuriousthanamusing。
Butthepictures！——oh！thepicturesarenoblestill！First，thereisJerryarrivingfromthecountry，inagreencoatandleathergaiters，andbeingmeasuredforafashionablesuitatCorinthianHouse，byCorinthianTom\'stailor。Thenawayforthecareerofpleasureandfashion。Thepark！deliciousexcitement！Thetheatre！
thesaloon！！thegreen-room！！！Rapturousbliss——theoperaitself！
andthenperhapstoTempleBar，toKNOCKDOWNACHARLEYthere！
ThereareJerryandTom，withtheirtightsandlittlecockedhats，comingfromtheopera——verymuchasgentlemeninwaitingonroyaltyarehabitednow。TheretheyareatAlmack\'sitself，amidstacrowdofhigh-bredpersonages，withtheDukeofClarencehimselflookingatthemdancing。Now，strangechange，theyareinTomCribb\'sparlor，wheretheydon\'tseemtobeawhitlessathomethaninfashion\'sgildedhalls:andnowtheyareatNewgate，seeingtheironsknockedoffthemalefactors\'legsprevioustoexecution。Whathardenedferocityinthecountenanceofthedesperadoinyellowbreeches！Whatcompunctioninthefaceofthegentlemaninblack(who，Isuppose，hasbeenforging)，andwhoclaspshishands，andlistenstothechaplain！Nowwehasteawaytomerrierscenes:toTattersall\'s(ahgraciouspowers！whatafunnyfellowthatactorwaswhoperformedDickyGreeninthatsceneattheplay！)；andnowweareataprivateparty，atwhichCorinthianTomiswaltzing(andverygracefully，too，asyoumustconfess，)withCorinthianKate，whilstBobLogic，theOxonian，isplayingonthepiano！
“After，“thetextsays，“THEOXONIANhadplayedseveralpiecesoflivelymusic，herequestedasafavorthatKateandhisfriendTomwouldperformawaltz。Katewithoutanyhesitationimmediatelystoodup。Tomofferedhishandtohisfascinatingpartner，andthedancetookplace。Theplateconveysacorrectrepresentationofthe\'gayscene\'atthatprecisemoment。TheanxietyofTHEOXONIANtowitnesstheattitudesoftheelegantpairhadnearlyputastoptotheirmovements。OnturningroundfromthepianoforteandpresentinghiscomicalMUG，Katecouldscarcelysuppressalaugh。”
Andnowonder；justlookatitnow(asIhavecopiedittothebestofmyhumbleability)，andcompareMasterLogic\'scountenanceandattitudewiththesplendideleganceofTom！*NoweveryLondonmaniswearyandblase。Thereisanenjoymentoflifeintheseyoungbucksof1823whichcontrastsstrangelywithourfeelingsof1860。
Here，forinstance，isaspecimenoftheirtalkandwalk。“\'If，\'
saysLOGIC——\'ifENJOYMENTisyourMOTTO，youmaymakethemostofaneveningatVauxhall，morethanatanyotherplaceinthemetropolis。
Itisallfreeandeasy。Stayaslongasyoulike，anddepartwhenyouthinkproper。\'——\'Yourdescriptionissoflattering，\'repliedJERRY，\'thatIdonotcarehowsoonthetimearrivesforustostart。\'LOGICproposeda\'BITOFASTROLL\'inordertogetridofanhourortwo，whichwasimmediatelyacceptedbyTomandJerry。A
TURNortwoinBondStreet，aSTROLLthroughPiccadilly，aLOOKIN
atTATTERSALL\'S，aRAMBLEthroughPallMall，andaSTRUTontheCorinthianpath，fullyoccupiedthetimeofourheroesuntilthehourfordinnerarrived，whenafewglassesofTOM\'Srichwinessoonputthemonthequivive。VAUXHALLwasthentheobjectinview，andtheTRIOstarted，bentuponenjoyingthepleasureswhichthisplacesoamplyaffords。”
*Thisreferstoanillustratededitionofthework。】】
Hownoblythoseinvertedcommas，thoseitalics，thosecapitals，bringoutthewriter\'switandrelievetheeye！Theyareasgoodasjokes，thoughyoumayn\'tquiteperceivethepoint。Markthevarietiesofloungeinwhichtheyoungmenindulge——nowASTROLL，thenALOOKIN，thenARAMBLE，andpresentlyASTRUT。WhenGeorge，PrinceofWales，wastwenty，IhavereadinanoldMagazine，“thePrince\'slounge“wasapeculiarmannerofwalkingwhichtheyoungbucksimitated。AtWindsorGeorgeIII。hadACAT\'SPATH——aslyearlywalkwhichthegoodoldkingtookinthegraymorningbeforehishouseholdwasastir。WhatwastheCorinthianpathhererecorded?Doesanyantiquaryknow?Andwhatweretherichwineswhichourfriendstook，andwhichenabledthemtoenjoyVauxhall?
Vauxhallisgone，butthewineswhichcouldoccasionsuchadelightfulperversionoftheintellectastoenableittoenjoyamplepleasuresthere，whatwerethey?
Sothegameoflifeproceeds，untilJerryHawthorn，therustic，isfairlyknockedupbyallthisexcitementandisforcedtogohome，andthelastpicturerepresentshimgettingintothecoachatthe“WhiteHorseCellar，“hebeingoneofsixinside；whilsthisfriendsshakehimbythehand；whilstthesailormountsontheroof；whilsttheJewshangroundwithoranges，knives，andsealing-wax:whilsttheguardisclosingthedoor。Wherearetheynow，thosesealing-
waxvenders?wherearetheguards?wherearethejollyteams?wherearethecoaches?andwheretheyouththatclimbedinsideandoutofthem；thatheardthemerryhornwhichsoundsnomore；thatsawthesunriseoverStonehenge；thatrubbedawaythebittertearsatnightafterpartingasthecoachspedonthejourneytoschoolandLondon；
thatlookedoutwithbeatingheartasthemilestonesflewby，forthewelcomecornerwherebeganhomeandholidays?
Itisnightnow:andhereishome。Gatheredunderthequietroofeldersandchildrenliealikeatrest。Inthemidstofagreatpeaceandcalm，thestarslookoutfromtheheavens。Thesilenceispeopledwiththepast；sorrowfulremorsesforsinsandshort-
comings——memoriesofpassionatejoysandgriefsriseoutoftheirgraves，bothnowalikecalmandsad。Eyes，asIshutmine，lookatme，thathavelongceasedtoshine。Thetownandthefairlandscapesleepunderthestarlight，wreathedintheautumnmists。Twinklingamongthehousesalightkeepswatchhereandthere，inwhatmaybeasickchamberortwo。Theclocktollssweetlyinthesilentair。
Hereisnightandrest。Anawfulsenseofthanksmakestheheartswell，andtheheadbow，asIpasstomyroomthroughthesleepinghouse，andfeelasthoughahushedblessingwereuponit。
ONAJOKEIONCEHEARDFROMTHELATETHOMASHOOD。
Thegood-naturedreaderwhohasperusedsomeoftheseramblingpapershaslongsinceseen(iftoseehasbeenworthhistrouble)
thatthewriterbelongstotheold-fashionedclassesofthisworld，lovestorememberverymuchmorethantoprophesy，andthoughhecan\'thelpbeingcarriedonward，anddownward，perhaps，onthehilloflife，theswiftmilestonesmarkingtheirforties，fifties——howmanytensorlustresshallwesay?——hesitsunderTime，thewhite-
wiggedcharioteer，withhisbacktothehorses，andhisfacetothepast，lookingattherecedinglandscapeandthehillsfadingintothegraydistance。Ahme！thosegray，distanthillsweregreenonce，andHERE，andcoveredwithsmilingpeople！AswecameUPthehilltherewasdifficulty，andhereandthereahardpulltobesure，butstrength，andspirits，andallsortsofcheeryincidentandcompanionshipontheroad；therewerethetoughstruggles(byheaven\'smercifulwill)overcome，thepauses，thefaintings，theweakness，thelostway，perhaps，thebitterweather，thedreadfulpartings，thelonelynight，thepassionategrief——towardstheseI
turnmythoughtsasIsitandthinkinmyhobby-coachunderTime，thesilver-wiggedcharioteer。Theyoungfolksinthesamecarriagemeanwhilearelookingforwards。Nothingescapestheirkeeneyes——
notafloweratthesideofacottagegarden，norabunchofrosy-
facedchildrenatthegate:thelandscapeisallbright，theairbriskandjolly，thetownyonderlooksbeautiful，anddoyouthinktheyhavelearnedtobedifficultaboutthedishesattheinn?
Now，supposePaterfamiliasonhisjourneywithhiswifeandchildreninthesociable，andhepassesanordinarybrickhouseontheroadwithanordinarylittlegardeninthefront，wewillsay，andquiteanordinaryknockertothedoor，andasmanysashedwindowsasyouplease，quitecommonandsquare，andtiles，windows，chimney-pots，quitelikeothers；orsuppose，indrivingoversuchandsuchacommon，heseesanordinarytree，andanordinarydonkeybrowsingunderit，ifyoulike——wifeanddaughterlookattheseobjectswithouttheslightestparticleofcuriosityorinterest。Whatisabrassknockertothembutalion\'shead，orwhatnot?andathorn-
treewithpoolbesideit，butapoolinwhichathornandajackassarereflected?
Butyourememberhowonceuponatimeyourheartusedtobeat，asyoubeatonthatbrassknocker，andwhoseeyeslookedfromthewindowabove。Yourememberhowbythatthorn-treeandpool，wherethegeesewereperformingaprodigiouseveningconcert，theremightbeseen，atacertainhour，somebodyinacertaincloakandbonnet，whohappenedtobecomingfromavillageyonder，andwhoseimagehasflickeredinthatpool。Inthatpool，nearthethorn?Yes，inthatgoose-pool，nevermindhowlongago，whentherewerereflectedtheimagesofthegeese——andtwogeesemore。Here，atleast，anoldstermayhavetheadvantageofhisyoungfellow-travellers，andsoPutneyHeathortheNewRoadmaybeinvestedwithahaloofbrightnessinvisibletothem，becauseitonlybeamsoutofhisownsoul。
Ihavebeenreadingthe“MemorialsofHood“byhischildren，*andwonderwhetherthebookwillhavethesameinterestforothersandforyoungerpeople，asforpersonsofmyownageandcalling。Booksoftraveltoanycountrybecomeinterestingtouswhohavebeenthere。Menrevisittheoldschool，thoughhatefultothem，witheversomuchkindlinessandsentimentalaffection。Therewasthetreeunderwhichthebullylickedyou:herethegroundwhereyouhadtofagoutonholidays，andsoforth。Inaword，mydearsir，YOU
arethemostinterestingsubjecttoyourself，ofanythatcanoccupyyourworship\'sthoughts。Ihavenodoubt，aCrimeansoldier，readingahistoryofthatsiege，andhowJonesandthegallant99thwereorderedtochargeorwhatnot，thinks，“Ah，yes，weofthe100thwereplacedsoandso，Iperfectlyremember。”SowiththismemorialofpoorHood，itmayhave，nodoubt，agreaterinterestformethanforothers，forIwasfighting，sotospeak，inadifferentpartofthefield，andengaged，ayoungsubaltern，intheBattleofLife，inwhichHoodfell，youngstill，andcoveredwithglory。“TheBridgeofSighs“washisCorunna，hisHeightsofAbraham——sickly，weak，wounded，hefellinthefullblazeandfameofthatgreatvictory。
*MemorialsofThomasHood。Moxon，1860。2vols。
Whatmannerofmanwasthegeniuswhopennedthatfamoussong?WhatlikewasWolfe，whoclimbedandconqueredonthosefamousHeightsofAbraham?Weallwanttoknowdetailsregardingmenwhohaveachievedfamousfeats，whetherofwar，orwit，oreloquence，orendurance，orknowledge。Hisoneortwohappyandheroicactionstakeaman\'snameandmemoryoutofacrowdofnamesandmemories。
Henceforthhestandseminent。Wescanhim:wewanttoknowallabouthim；wewalkroundandexaminehim，arecurious，perhaps，andthinkarewenotasstrongandtallandcapableasyonderchampion；
werewenotbredaswell，andcouldwenotendurethewinter\'scoldaswellashe?Orwelookupwithalloureyesofadmiration；willfindnofaultinourhero:declarehisbeautyandproportionsperfect；hiscriticsenviousdetractors，andsoforth。Yesterday，beforeheperformedhisfeat，hewasnobody。Whocaredabouthisbirthplace，hisparentage，orthecolorofhishair?To-day，bysomesingleachievement，orbyaseriesofgreatactionstowhichhisgeniusaccustomsus，heisfamous，andantiquariansarebusyfindingoutunderwhatschoolmaster\'sferulehewaseducated，wherehisgrandmotherwasvaccinated，andsoforth。Ifhalfadozenwashing-billsofGoldsmith\'sweretobefoundto-morrow，wouldtheynotinspireageneralinterest，andbeprintedinahundredpapers?
IlighteduponOliver，notverylongsince，inanoldTownandCountryMagazine，atthePantheonmasquerade“inanoldEnglishhabit。”Straightwaymyimaginationranouttomeethim，tolookathim，tofollowhimabout。Iforgotthenamesofscoresoffinegentlemenofthepastage，whowerementionedbesides。Wewanttoseethismanwhohasamusedandcharmedus；whohasbeenourfriend，andgivenushoursofpleasantcompanionshipandkindlythought。I
protestwhenIcame，inthemidstofthosenamesofpeopleoffashion，andbeaux，anddemireps，uponthosenames“SirJ。R-yn-lds，inadomino；Mr。Cr-d-ckandDr。G-ldsm-th，intwooldEnglishdresses，“Ihad，sotospeak，myheartinmymouth。What，YOUhere，mydearSirJoshua?Ah，whatanhonorandprivilegeitistoseeyou！ThisisMr。Goldsmith?Andverymuch，sir，theruffandtheslasheddoubletbecomeyou！ODoctor！whatapleasureIhadandhaveinreadingtheAnimatedNature。HowDIDyoulearnthesecretofwritingthedecasyllableline，andwhencethatsweetwailingnoteoftendernessthataccompaniesyoursong?WasBeauTibbsarealman，andwillyoudomethehonorofallowingmetositatyourtableatsupper?Don\'tyouthinkyouknowhowhewouldhavetalked?
Wouldyounothavelikedtohearhimprattleoverthechampagne?
Now，Hoodispassedaway——passedofftheearthasmuchasGoldsmithorHorace。Thetimesinwhichhelived，andinwhichverymanyofuslivedandwereyoung，arechangingorchanged。IsawHoodonceasayoungman，atadinnerwhichseemsalmostasghostlynowasthatmasqueradeatthePantheon(1772)，ofwhichwewerespeakinganon。ItwasatadinneroftheLiteraryFund，inthatvastapartmentwhichishungroundwiththeportraitsofverylargeRoyalFreemasons，nowunsubstantialghosts。ThereattheendoftheroomwasHood。Somepublishers，Ithink，wereourcompanions。Iquiterememberhispaleface；hewasthinanddeaf，andverysilent；hescarcelyopenedhislipsduringthedinner，andhemadeonepun。
Somegentlemanmissedhissnuff-box，andHoodsaid，——(theFreemasons\'Tavernwaskept，youmustremember，byMr。CUFFinthosedays，notbyitspresentproprietors)。Well，theboxbeinglost，andaskedfor，andCUFF(rememberthatname)beingthenameofthelandlord，Hoodopenedhissilentjawsandsaid*****ShallI
tellyouwhathesaid?Itwasnotaverygoodpun，whichthegreatpunsterthenmade。Chooseyourfavoritepunoutof“WhimsandOddities，“andfancythatwasthejokewhichhecontributedtothehilarityofourlittletable。
Wherethoseasterisksaredrawnonthepage，youmustknow，apauseoccurred，duringwhichIwasengagedwith“Hood\'sOwn，“havingbeenreferredtothebookbythislifeoftheauthorwhichIhavejustbeenreading。IamnotgoingtodissertonHood\'shumor；Iamnotafairjudge。HaveInotsaidelsewherethatthereareoneortwowonderfullyoldgentlemenstillalivewhousedtogivemetipswhenIwasaboy?Ican\'tbeafaircriticaboutthem。Ialwaysthinkofthatsovereign，thatraptureofraspberry-tarts，whichmademyyoungdayshappy。Thoseoldsovereign-contributorsmaytellstorieseversoold，andIshalllaugh；theymaycommitmurder，andIshallbelieveitwasjustifiablehomicide。ThereismyfriendBaggs，whogoesaboutabusingme，andofcourseourdearmutualfriendstellme。Abuseaway，monbon！YouweresokindtomewhenIwantedkindness，thatyoumaytakethechangeoutofthatgoldnow，andsayIamacannibalandnegro，ifyouwill。Ha，Baggs！Dostthouwinceasthoureadestthisline?Doesguiltyconsciencethrobbingatthybreasttelltheeofwhomthefableisnarrated?Puffoutthywrath，and，whenithasceasedtoblow，myBaggsshallbetomeastheBaggsofold——thegenerous，thegentle，thefriendly。
No，onsecondthoughts，IamdeterminedIwillnotrepeatthatjokewhichIheardHoodmake。Hesayshewrotethesejokeswithsucheasethathesentmanuscriptstothepublishersfasterthantheycouldacknowledgethereceiptthereof。Iwon\'tsaythattheywereallgoodjokes，orthattoreadagreatbookfullofthemisaworkatpresentaltogetherjocular。Writingtoafriendrespectingsomememoirofhimwhichhadbeenpublished，Hoodsays，“Youwilljudgehowwelltheauthorknowsme，whenhesaysmymindisratherseriousthancomic。”Atthetimewhenhewrotethesewords，heevidentlyundervaluedhisownseriouspower，andthoughtthatinpunningandbroad-grinninglayhischiefstrength。Isnottheresomethingtouchinginthatsimplicityandhumilityoffaith?“Tomakelaughismycalling，“sayshe；“Imustjump，Imustgrin，Imusttumble，I
mustturnlanguageheadoverheels，andleapthroughgrammar；“andhegoestohisworkhumblyandcourageously，andwhathehastodothatdoeshewithallhismight，throughsickness，throughsorrow，throughexile，poverty，fever，depression——thereheis，alwaysreadytohiswork，andwithajewelofgeniusinhispocket！Why，whenhelaiddownhispunsandpranks，putthemotleyoff，andspokeoutofhisheart，allEnglandandAmericalistenedwithtearsandwonder！
Othermenhavedelusionsofconceit，andfancythemselvesgreaterthantheyare，andthattheworldslightsthem。HavewenotheardhowListonalwaysthoughtheoughttoplayHamlet?Hereisamanwithapowertotouchtheheartalmostunequalled，andhepassesdaysandyearsinwriting，“YoungBenhewasaniceyoungman，“andsoforth。Tosaytruth，Ihavebeenreadinginabookof“Hood\'sOwn“untilIamperfectlyangry。“Yougreatman，yougoodman，youtruegeniusandpoet，“Icryout，asIturnpageafterpage。“Do，do，makenomoreofthesejokes，butbeyourself，andtakeyourstation。”
WhenHoodwasonhisdeath-bed，SirRobertPeel，whoonlyknewofhisillness，notofhisimminentdanger，wrotetohimanobleandtouchingletter，announcingthatapensionwasconferredonhim:
“Iammorethanrepaid，“writesPeel，“bythepersonalsatisfactionwhichIhavehadindoingthatforwhichyoureturnmewarmandcharacteristicacknowledgments。
“Youperhapsthinkthatyouareknowntoonewithsuchmultifariousoccupationsasmyself，merelybygeneralreputationasanauthor；
butIassureyouthattherecanbelittle，whichyouhavewrittenandacknowledged，whichIhavenotread；andthattherearefewwhocanappreciateandadmiremorethanmyself，thegoodsenseandgoodfeelingwhichhavetaughtyoutoinfusesomuchfunandmerrimentintowritingscorrectingfollyandexposingabsurdities，andyetnevertrespassingbeyondthoselimitswithinwhichwitandfacetiousnessarenotveryoftenconfined。Youmaywriteonwiththeconsciousnessofindependence，asfreeandunfettered，asifnocommunicationhadeverpassedbetweenus。Iamnotconferringaprivateobligationuponyou，butamfulfillingtheintentionsofthelegislature，whichhasplacedatthedisposaloftheCrownacertainsum(miserable，indeed，inamount)tobeappliedtotherecognitionofpublicclaimsonthebountyoftheCrown。Ifyouwillreviewthenamesofthosewhoseclaimshavebeenadmittedonaccountoftheirliteraryorscientificeminence，youwillfindanampleconfirmationofthetruthofmystatement。
“Onereturn，indeed，Ishallaskofyou，——thatyouwillgivemetheopportunityofmakingyourpersonalacquaintance。”
AndHood，writingtoafriend，enclosingacopyofPeel\'sletter，says，“SirR。PeelcamefromBurleighonTuesdaynight，andwentdowntoBrightononSaturday。Ifhehadwrittenbypost，Ishouldnothaveittillto-day。SohesenthisservantwiththeenclosedonSATURDAYNIGHT；anothermarkofconsiderateattention。”Heisfrightfullyunwell，hecontinues:hiswifesayshelooksQUITE
GREEN；butillasheis，poorfellow，“hiswellisnotdry。HehaspumpedoutasheetofChristmasfun，isdrawingsomecuts，andshallwriteasheetmoreofhisnovel。”
Oh，sad，marvellouspictureofcourage，ofhonesty，ofpatientendurance，ofdutystrugglingagainstpain！HownoblePeel\'sfigureisstandingbythatsick-bed！howgeneroushiswords，howdignifiedandsincerehiscompassion！Andthepoordyingman，withaheartfullofnaturalgratitudetowardshisnoblebenefactor，mustturntohimandsay——“IfitbewelltoberememberedbyaMinister，itisbetterstillnottobeforgottenbyhimina\'hurlyBurleigh！\'“Canyoulaugh?Isnotthejokehorriblypatheticfromthepoordyinglips?AsdyingRobinHoodmustfirealastshotwithhisbow——asonereadsofCatholicsontheirdeath-bedsputtingonaCapuchindresstogooutoftheworld——hereispoorHoodathislasthourputtingonhisghastlymotley，andutteringonejokemore。
Hedies，however，indearestloveandpeacewithhischildren，wife，friends；totheformerespeciallyhiswholelifehadbeendevoted，andeverydayshowedhisfidelity，simplicity，andaffection。Ingoingthroughtherecordofhismostpure，modest，honorablelife，andlivingalongwithhim，youcometotrusthimthoroughly，andfeelthathereisamostloyal，affectionate，anduprightsoul，withwhomyouhavebeenbroughtintocommunion。Canwesayasmuchofthelivesofallmenofletters?Hereisoneatleastwithoutguile，withoutpretension，withoutscheming，ofapurelife，tohisfamilyandlittlemodestcircleoffriendstenderlydevoted。
Andwhatahardwork，andwhataslenderreward！Inthelittledomesticdetailswithwhichthebookabounds，whatasimplelifeisshowntous！Themostsimplelittlepleasuresandamusementsdelightandoccupyhim。Youhaverevelsonshrimps；thegoodwifemakingthepie；detailsaboutthemaid，andcriticismsonherconduct；wonderfultricksplayedwiththeplum-pudding——allthepleasurescentringroundthelittlehumblehome。Oneofthefirstmenofhistime，heisappointededitorofaMagazineatasalaryof300L。perannum，signshimselfexultingly“Ed。N。M。M。，“andthefamilyrejoiceovertheincomeasoverafortune。HegoestoaGreenwichdinner——whatafeastandarejoicingafterwards！——
“Well，wedrank\'theBoz\'withadelectableclatter，whichdrewfromhimagoodwarm-heartedspeech……Helookedverywell，andhadayoungerbrotheralongwithhim……Thenwehadsongs。BarhamchantedaRobinHoodballad，andCruikshanksangaburlesqueballadofLordH——；andsomebody，unknowntome，gaveacapitalimitationofaFrenchshowman。ThenwetoastedMrs。Boz，andtheChairman，andVice，andtheTraditionalPriestsangthe\'Deepdeepsea，\'inhisdeepdeepvoice；andthenwedranktoProcter，whowrotethesaidsong；alsoSirJ。Wilson\'sgoodhealth，andCruikshank\'s，andAinsworth\'s:andaManchesterfriendofthelattersangaManchesterditty，sofulloftradingstuff，thatitreallyseemedtohavebeennotcomposed，butmanufactured。Jerdan，asJerdanishasusualonsuchoccasions——youknowhowparadoxicallyheisQUITEATHOMEinDININGOUT。Astomyself，IhadtomakemySECONDMAIDENSPEECH，forMr。MoncktonMilnesproposedmyhealthintermsmymodestymightallowmetorepeattoYOU，butmymemorywon\'t。However，Iascribedthetoasttomynotoriouslybadhealth，andassuredthemthattheirwisheshadalreadyimprovedit——thatIfeltabriskercirculation——amoregenialwarmthabouttheheart，andexplainedthatacertaintremblingofmyhandwasnotfrompalsy，ormyoldague，butaninclinationinmyhandtoshakeitselfwitheveryonepresent。
WhereuponIhadtogothroughthefriendlyceremonywithasmanyofthecompanyaswerewithinreach，besidesafewmorewhocameexpressfromtheotherendofthetable。VERYgratifying，wasn\'tit?ThoughIcannotgoquitesofarasJane，whowantsmetohavethathandchoppedoff，bottled，andpreservedinspirits。Shewassittingupforme，veryanxiously，asusualwhenIgoout，becauseI
amsodomesticandsteady，andwasdownatthedoorbeforeIcouldringatthegate，towhichBozkindlysentmeinhisowncarriage。
Poorgirl！whatWOULDshedoifshehadawildhusbandinsteadofatameone?“
Andthepooranxiouswifeissittingup，andfondlesthehandwhichhasbeenshakenbysomanyillustriousmen！Thelittlefeastdatesbackonlyeighteenyears，andyetsomehowitseemsasdistantasadinneratMr。Thrale\'s，orameetingatWill\'s。
Poorlittlegleamofsunshine！verylittlegoodcheerenlivensthatsadsimplelife。WehavethetriumphoftheMagazine:thenanewMagazineprojectedandproduced:thenillnessandthelastscene，andthekindPeelbythedyingman\'sbedsidespeakingnoblewordsofrespectandsympathy，andsoothingthelastthrobsofthetenderhonestheart。
Ilike，Isay，Hood\'slifeevenbetterthanhisbooks，andIwish，withallmyheart，Monsieuretcherconfrere，thesamecouldbesaidforbothofus，whentheinkstreamofourlifehathceasedtorun。
Yes:ifIdropfirst，dearBaggs，Itrustyoumayfindreasontomodifysomeoftheunfavorableviewsofmycharacter，whichyouarefreelyimpartingtoourmutualfriends。Whatoughttobetheliteraryman\'spointofhonornow-a-days?Suppose，friendlyreader，youareoneofthecraft，whatlegacywouldyouliketoleavetoyourchildren?Firstofall(andbyheaven\'sgracioushelp)youwouldprayandstrivetogivethemsuchanendowmentoflove，asshouldlastcertainlyforalltheirlives，andperhapsbetransmittedtotheirchildren。Youwould(bythesameaidandblessing)keepyourhonorpure，andtransmitanameunstainedtothosewhohavearighttobearit。Youwould，——thoughthisfacultyofgivingisoneoftheeasiestoftheliteraryman\'squalities——youwould，outofyourearnings，smallorgreat，beabletohelpapoorbrotherinneed，todresshiswounds，and，ifitwerebuttwopence，togivehimsuccor。IsthemoneywhichthenobleMacaulaygavetothepoorlosttohisfamily?Godforbid。Tothelovingheartsofhiskindredisitnotratherthemostpreciouspartoftheirinheritance?Itwasinvestedinloveandrighteousdoing，anditbearsinterestinheaven。Youwill，iflettersbeyourvocation，findsavingharderthangivingandspending。Tosavebeyourendeavor，too，againstthenight\'scomingwhennomanmaywork；whenthearmiswearywiththelongday\'slabor；whenthebrainperhapsgrowsdark；whentheold，whocanlabornomore，wantwarmthandrest，andtheyoungonescallforsupper。
Icopiedthelittlegalley-slavewhoismadetofigureintheinitialletterofthispaper，fromaquaintoldsilverspoonwhichwepurchasedinacuriosity-shopattheHague。*ItisoneofthegiftspoonssocommoninHolland，andwhichhavemultipliedsoastonishinglyoflateyearsatourdealers\'inoldsilverware。
Alongthestemofthespoonarewrittenthewords:“Anno1609，Binickaldusghekledtgheghaen“——“Intheyear1609Iwentthusclad。”
ThegoodDutchmanwasreleasedfromhisAlgerinecaptivity(I
imaginehisfigurelookslikethatofaslaveamongsttheMoors)，andinhisthank-offeringtosomegodchildathome，hethuspiouslyrecordshisescape。
*Thisreferstoanillustratededitionofthework。】】
WasnotpoorCervantesalsoacaptiveamongsttheMoors?DidnotFielding，andGoldsmith，andSmollett，too，dieatthechainaswellaspoorHood?ThinkofFieldinggoingonboardhiswretchedshipintheThames，withscarceahandtobidhimfarewell；ofbraveTobiasSmollett，andhislife，howhard，andhowpoorlyrewarded；ofGoldsmith，andthephysicianwhispering，“Haveyousomethingonyourmind?“andthewilddyingeyesanswering，“Yes。”NoticehowBoswellspeaksofGoldsmith，andthesplendidcontemptwithwhichheregardshim。ReadHawkinsonFielding，andthescornwithwhichDandyWalpoleandBishopHurdspeakofhim。Galley-slavesdoomedtotugtheoarandwearthechain，whilstmylordsanddandiestaketheirpleasure，andhearfinemusicanddisportwithfineladiesinthecabin！
Butstay。Wasthereanycauseforthisscorn?Hadsomeofthesegreatmenweaknesseswhichgaveinferiorsadvantageoverthem?Menofletterscannotlaytheirhandsontheirhearts，andsay，“No，thefaultwasfortune\'s，andtheindifferentworld\'s，notGoldsmith\'snorFielding\'s。”TherewasnoreasonwhyOlivershouldalwaysbethriftless；whyFieldingandSteeleshouldspongeupontheirfriends；whySterneshouldmakelovetohisneighbors\'wives。
Swift，foralongtime，wasaspoorasanywagthateverlaughed:
butheowednopennytohisneighbors:Addison，whenheworehismostthreadbarecoat，couldholdhisheadup，andmaintainhisdignity:and，Idarevouch，neitherofthosegentlemen，whentheywereeversopoor，askedanymanalivetopitytheircondition，andhavearegardtotheweaknessesincidentaltotheliteraryprofession。Galley-slave，forsooth！Ifyouaresenttoprisonforsomeerrorforwhichthelawawardsthatsortoflaboriousseclusion，somuchthemoreshameforyou。Ifyouarechainedtotheoaraprisonerofwar，likeCervantes，youhavethepain，butnottheshame，andthefriendlycompassionofmankindtorewardyou。
Galley-slaves，indeed！Whatmanhasnothisoartopull?Thereisthatwonderfuloldstroke-oarintheQueen\'sgalley。Howmanyyearshashepulled?Dayandnight，inroughwaterorsmooth，withwhatinvinciblevigorandsurprisinggayetyheplieshisarms。ThereisinthesameGalereCapitaine，thatwell-known，trimfigure，thebow-
oar；howhetugs，andwithwhatawill！Howbothofthemhavebeenabusedintheirtime！TaketheLawyer\'sgalley，andthatdauntlessoctogenarianincommand；whenhasHEevercomplainedorrepinedabouthisslavery?ThereisthePriest\'sgalley——blackandlawnsails——doanymarinersoutofThamesworkharder?Whenlawyer，andstatesman，anddivine，andwriteraresnuginbed，thereisaringatthepoorDoctor\'sbell。Forthhemustgo，inrheumatismorsnow；
agalley-slavebearinghisgalley-potstoquenchtheflamesoffever，tosuccormothersandyoungchildrenintheirhourofperil，and，asgentlyandsoothinglyasmaybe，tocarrythehopelesspatientovertothesilentshore。AndhavewenotjustreadoftheactionsoftheQueen\'sgalleysandtheirbravecrewsintheChinesewaters?Mennotmoreworthyofhumanrenownandhonorto-dayintheirvictory，thanlastyearintheirglorioushourofdisaster。
Sowithstoutheartsmayweplytheoar，messmatesall，tillthevoyageisover，andtheHarborofRestisfound。
ROUNDABOUTTHECHRISTMASTREE。
ThekindlyChristmastree，fromwhichItrusteverygentlereaderhaspulledabonbonortwo，isyetallaflamewhilstIamwriting，andsparkleswiththesweetfruitsofitsseason。Youyoungladies，mayyouhavepluckedprettygiftlingsfromit；andoutofthecrackersugarplumwhichyouhavesplitwiththecaptainorthesweetyoungcuratemayyouhavereadoneofthosedeliciousconundrumswhichtheconfectionersintroduceintothesweetmeats，andwhichapplytothecunningpassionoflove。ThoseriddlesaretobereadatYOURage，whenIdaresaytheyareamusing。AsforDolly，Merry，andBell，whoarestandingatthetree，theydon\'tcareaboutthelove-riddlepart，butunderstandthesweet-almondportionverywell。
Theyarefour，five，sixyearsold。Patience，littlepeople！A
dozenmerryChristmasesmore，andyouwillbereadingthosewonderfullove-conundrums，too。Asforuselderlyfolks，wewatchthebabiesattheirsport，andtheyoungpeoplepullingatthebranches:andinsteadoffindingbonbonsorsweetiesinthepacketswhichWEpluckofftheboughs，wefindenclosedMr。Carnifex\'sreviewofthequarter\'smeat；Mr。Sartor\'scompliments，andlittlestatementforselfandtheyounggentlemen；andMadamedeSainte-
Crinoline\'srespectstotheyoungladies，whoenclosesheraccount，andwillsendonSaturday，please；orwestretchourhandouttotheeducationalbranchoftheChristmastree，andtherefindalivelyandamusingarticlefromtheRev。HenryHolyshade，containingourdearTommy\'sexceedinglymoderateaccountforthelastterm\'sschoolexpenses。
Thetreeyetsparkles，Isay。IamwritingonthedaybeforeTwelfthDay，ifyoumustknow；butalreadyeversomanyofthefruitshavebeenpulled，andtheChristmaslightshavegoneout。
BobbyMiseltow，whohasbeenstayingwithusforaweek(andwhohasbeensleepingmysteriouslyinthebathroom)，comestosayheisgoingawaytospendtherestoftheholidayswithhisgrandmother——
andIbrushawaythemanlytearofregretasIpartwiththedearchild。“Well，Bob，good-by，sinceyouWILLgo。Complimentstograndmamma。Thankherfortheturkey。Here\'s——“(Aslightpecuniarytransactiontakesplaceatthisjuncture，andBobnodsandwinks，andputshishandinhiswaistcoatpocket。)。“Youhavehadapleasantweek?“
BOB——“Haven\'tI！“(Andexit，anxioustoknowtheamountofthecoinwhichhasjustchangedhands。)
Heisgone，andasthedearboyvanishesthroughthedoor(behindwhichIseehimperfectly)，ItoocastupalittleaccountofourpastChristmasweek。WhenBob\'sholidaysareover，andtheprinterhassentmebackthismanuscript，IknowChristmaswillbeanoldstory。AllthefruitwillbeofftheChristmastreethen；thecrackerswillhavecrackedoff；thealmondswillhavebeencrunched；
andthesweet-bitterriddleswillhavebeenread；thelightswillhaveperishedoffthedarkgreenboughs；thetoysgrowingonthemwillhavebeendistributed，foughtfor，cherished，neglected，broken。FerdinandandFideliawilleachkeepoutofit(bestill，mygushingheart！)theremembranceofariddlereadtogether，ofadouble-almondmunchedtogether，andthemoietyofanexplodedcracker……Themaids，Isay，willhavetakendownallthathollystuffandnonsenseabouttheclocks，lamps，andlooking-
glasses，thedearboyswillbebackatschool，fondlythinkingofthepantomime-fairieswhomtheyhaveseen；whosegaudygossamerwingsarebatteredbythistime；andwhosepinkcotton(orsilkisit?)lowerextremitiesarealldingyanddusty。Yetbutafewdays，Bob，andflakesofpaintwillhavecrackedoffthefairyflower-
bowers，andtherevolvingtemplesofadamantinelustrewillbeasshabbyasthecityofPekin。Whenyoureadthis，willClownstillbegoingonlollinghistongueoutofhismonth，andsaying，“Howareyouto-morrow?“Tomorrow，indeed！Hemustbealmostashamedofhimself(ifthatcheekisstillcapableoftheblushofshame)foraskingtheabsurdquestion。To-morrow，indeed！To-morrowthediffugientsnowswillgiveplacetoSpring；thesnowdropswilllifttheirheads；Ladydaymaybeexpected，andthepecuniarydutiespeculiartothatfeast；inplaceofbonbons，treeswillhaveaneruptionoflightgreenknobs；thewhitebaitseasonwillbloom……
asifoneneedgoondescribingthesevernalphenomena，whenChristmasisstillhere，thoughending，andthesubjeetofmydiscourse！
Wehavealladmiredtheillustratedpapers，andnotedhowboisterouslyjollytheybecomeatChristmastime。Whatwassail-
bowls，robin-redbreasts，waits，snowlandscapes，burstsofChristmassong！Andthentothinkthatthesefestivitiesarepreparedmonthsbefore——thattheseChristmaspiecesareprophetic！Howkindofartistsandpoetstodevisethefestivitiesbeforehand，andservethempatatthepropertime！Weoughttobegratefultothem，astothecookwhogetsupatmidnightandsetsthepuddinga-boiling，whichistofeastusatsixo\'clock。IoftenthinkwithgratitudeofthefamousMr。NelsonLee——theauthorofIdon\'tknowhowmanyhundredgloriouspantomimes——walkingbythesummerwaveatMargate，orBrightonperhaps，revolvinginhismindtheideaofsomenewgorgeousspectacleoffaery，whichthewintershallseecomplete。
Heislikecookatmidnight(siparvalicet)。Hewatchesandthinks。Hepoundsthesparklingsugarofbenevolence，theplumsoffancy，thesweetmeatsoffun，thefigsof——well，thefigsoffairyfiction，letussay，andpopsthewholeintheseethingcaldronofimagination，andatdueseasonservesupTHEPANTOMIME。
VeryfewmeninthecourseofnaturecanexpecttoseeALLthepantomimesinoneseason，butIhopetotheendofmylifeIshallneverforegoreadingabouttheminthatdelicioussheetofTheTimeswhichappearsonthemorningafterBoxing-day。Perhapsreadingisevenbetterthanseeing。Thebestway，Ithink，istosayyouareill，lieinbed，andhavethepaperfortwohours，readingallthewaydownfromDruryLanetotheBritanniaatHoxton。BobandIwenttotwopantomimes。OnewasattheTheatreofFancy，andtheotherattheFairyOpera，andIdon\'tknowwhichwelikedthebest。
AttheFancy，wesaw“HarlequinHamlet，orDaddy\'sGhostandNunky\'sPison，“whichisallverywell——but，gentlemen，ifyoudon\'trespectShakspeare，towhomwillyoubecivil?ThepalaceandrampartsofElsinorebymoonandsnowlightisoneofLoutherbourg\'sfinestefforts。Thebanquetinghallofthepalaceisilluminated:thepeaksandgablesglitterwiththesnow:thesentinelsmarchblowingtheirfingerswiththecold——thefreezingofthenoseofoneofthemisveryneatlyanddexterouslyarranged:thesnow-stormrises:thewindshowlawfullyalongthebattlements:thewavescomecurling，leaping，foamingtoshore。Hamlet\'sumbrellaiswhirledawayinthestorm。Heandhistwofriendsstamponeachother\'stoestokeepthemwarm。Thestorm-spiritsriseintheair，andarewhirledhowlingroundthepalaceandtherocks。Myeyes！whattilesandchimney-potsflyhurtlingthroughtheair！Asthestormreachesitsheight(herethewindinstrumentscomeinwithprodigiouseffect，andIcomplimentMr。Brumbyandthevioloncellos)——asthesnow-stormrises，(queek，queek，queek，gothefiddles，andthenthrumptythrumpcomesapizzicatomovementinBobMajor，whichsendsashiverintoyourveryboot-soles，)thethunder-cloudsdeepen(bong，bong，bong，fromthevioloncellos)。Theforkedlightningquiversthroughthecloudsinazig-zagscreamofviolins——andlook，look，look！asthefrothing，roaringwavescomerushingupthebattlements，andoverthereelingparapet，eachhissingwavebecomesaghost，sendsthegun-carriagesrollingovertheplatform，andplungeshowlingintothewateragain。
Hamlet\'smothercomesontothebattlementstolookforherson。
Thestormwhipsherumbrellaoutofherhands，andsheretiresscreaminginpattens。
Thecabsonthestandinthegreatmarket-placeatElsinoreareseentodriveoff，andseveralpeoplearedrowned。Thegas-lampsalongthestreetarewrenchedfromtheirfoundations，andshootthroughthetroubledair。Whist，rush，hish！howtherainroarsandpours！
Thedarknessbecomesawful，alwaysdeepenedbythepowerofthemusic——andsee——inthemidstofarush，andwhirl，andscreamofspiritsofairandwave——whatisthatghastlyfiguremovinghither?
Itbecomesbigger，bigger，asitadvancesdowntheplatform——moreghastly，morehorrible，enormous！Itisastallasthewholestage。
Itseemstobeadvancingonthestallsandpit，andthewholehousescreamswithterror，astheGHOSTOFTHELATEHAMLETcomesin，andbeginstospeak。Severalpeoplefaint，andthelight-fingeredgentrypickpocketsfuriouslyinthedarkness。
Inthepitchydarkness，thisawfulfigurethrowinghiseyesabout，thegasintheboxesshudderingoutofsight，andthewind-
instrumentsbuglingthemosthorriblewails，theboldestspectatormusthavefeltfrightened。Buthark！whatisthatsilvershimmerofthefiddles！Isit——canitbe——thegraydawnpeepinginthestormyeast?Theghost\'seyeslookblanklytowardsit，androllaghastlyagony。Quicker，quickerplytheviolinsofPhoebusApollo。Redder，reddergrowtheorientclouds。Cockadoodledoo！crowsthatgreatcockwhichhasjustcomeoutontheroofofthepalace。Andnowtheroundsunhimselfpopsupfrombehindthewavesofnight。Whereistheghost?Heisgone！Purpleshadowsofmorn“slanto\'erthesnowysward，“thecitywakesupinlifeandsunshine，andweconfessweareverymuchrelievedatthedisappearanceoftheghost。Wedon\'tlikethosedarkscenesinpantomimes。
Aftertheusualbusiness，thatOpheliashouldbeturnedintoColumbinewastobeexpected；butIconfessIwasalittleshockedwhenHamlet\'smotherbecamePantaloon，andwasinstantlyknockeddownbyClownClaudius。Grimaldiisgettingalittleoldnow，butforrealhumortherearefewclownslikehim。Mr。Shuter，asthegrave-digger，waschasteandcomic，ashealwaysis，andthescene-
painterssurpassedthemselves。
“HarlequinConquerorandtheFieldofHastings，“attheotherhouse，isverypleasanttoo。TheirascibleWilliamisactedwithgreatvigorbySnoxall，andthebattleofHastingsisagoodpieceofburlesque。Sometriflinglibertiesaretakenwithhistory，butwhatlibertieswillnotthemerrygeniusofpantomimepermithimself?AtthebattleofHastings，WilliamisonthepointofbeingdefeatedbytheSussexvolunteers，veryelegantlyledbythealwaysprettyMissWaddy(asHacoSharpshooter)，whenashotfromtheNormanskillsHarold。ThefairyEdithhereuponcomesforward，andfindshisbody，whichstraightwayleapsupaliveharlequin，whilsttheConquerormakesanexcellentclown，andtheArchbishopofBayeuxadivertingpantaloon，&c。&c。&c。
Perhapsthesearenotthepantomimeswereallysaw；butonedescriptionwilldoaswellasanother。Theplots，yousee，arealittleintricateanddifficulttounderstandinpantomimes；andI
mayhavemixeduponewithanother。ThatIwasatthetheatreonBoxing-nightiscertain——butthepitwassofullthatIcouldonlyseefairylegsglitteringinthedistance，asIstoodatthedoor。
AndifIwasbadlyoff，Ithinktherewasayounggentlemanbehindmeworseoffstill。Iownthathehasgoodreason(thoughothershavenot)tospeakillofmebehindmyback，andherebybeghispardon。
LikewisetothegentlemanwhopickedupapartyinPiccadilly，whohadslippedandfalleninthesnow，andwasthereonhisback，utteringenergeticexpressions；thatpartybegstoofferthanks，andcomplimentsoftheseason。
Bob\'sbehavioronNewYear\'sday，IcanassureDr。Holyshade，washighlycreditabletotheboy。Hehadexpressedadeterminationtopartakeofeverydishwhichwasputonthetable；butaftersoup，fish，roast-beef，androast-goose，heretiredfromactivebusinessuntilthepuddingandmince-piesmadetheirappearance，ofwhichhepartookliberally，butnottoofreely。Andhegreatlyadvancedinmygoodopinionbypraisingthepunch，whichwasofmyownmanufacture，andwhichsomegentlemenpresent(Mr。O\'M——g——n，amongstothers)pronouncedtobetooweak。Tooweak！Abottleofrum，abottleofMadeira，halfabottleofbrandy，andtwobottlesandahalfofwater——CANthismixturebesaidtobetooweakforanymortal?Ouryoungfriendamusedthecompanyduringtheeveningbyexhibitingatwo-shillingmagic-lantern，whichhehadpurchased，andlikewisebysinging“Sally，comeup！“aquaint，butrathermonotonousmelody，whichIamtoldissungbythepoornegroonthebanksofthebroadMississippi。
Whatotherenjoymentsdidweprofferforthechild\'samusementduringtheChristmasweek?AgreatphilosopherwasgivingalecturetoyoungfolksattheBritishInstitution。ButwhenthisdiversionwasproposedtoouryoungfriendBob，hesaid，“Lecture?No，thankyou。NotasIknowson，“andmadesarcasticsignalsonhisnose。
PerhapsheisofDr。Johnson\'sopinionaboutlectures:“Lectures，sir！whatmanwouldgotohearthatimperfectlyatalecture，whichhecanreadatleisureinabook?“Ineverwent，ofmyownchoice，toalecture；thatIcanvow。Asforsermons，theyaredifferent；I
delightinthem，andtheycannot，ofcourse，betoolong。
Well，wepartookofyetotherChristmasdelightsbesidespantomime，pudding，andpie。Oneglorious，onedelightful，onemostunluckyandpleasantday，wedroveinabrougham，withafamoushorse，whichcarriedusmorequicklyandbrisklythananyofyourvulgarrailways，overBatterseaBridge，onwhichthehorse\'shoofsrungasifithadbeeniron；throughsuburbanvillages，plum-cakedwithsnow；underaleadensky，inwhichthesunhunglikeared-hotwarming-pan；bypondafterpond，wherenotonlymenandboys，butscoresafterscoresofwomenandgirls，weresliding，androaring，andclappingtheirleanoldsideswithlaughter，astheytumbleddown，andtheirhobnailedshoesflewupintheair；theairfrostywithalilachaze，throughwhichvillas，andcommons，andchurches，andplantationsglimmered。Wedriveupthehill，BobandI；wemakethelasttwomilesinelevenminutes；wepassthatpoor，armlessmanwhositsthereinthecold，followingyouwithhiseyes。Idon\'tgiveanything，andBoblooksdisappointed。Wearesetdownneatlyatthegate，andahorse-holderopensthebroughamdoor。Idon\'tgiveanything；againdisappointmentonBob\'spart。Ipayashillingapiece，andweenterintothegloriousbuilding，whichisdecoratedforChristmas，andstraight-wayforgetfulnessonBob\'spartofeverythingbutthatmagnificentscene。TheenormousedificeisalldecoratedforBobandChristmas。Thestalls，thecolumns，thefountains，courts，statues，splendors，areallcrownedforChristmas。ThedeliciousnegroissinginghisAlabamachorusesforChristmasandBob。Hehasscarcelydone，when，Tootarootatoo！Mr。
Punchisperforminghissurprisingactions，andhangingthebeadle。
Thestallsaredecorated。Therefreshment-tablesarepiledwithgoodthings；atmanyfountains“MULLEDCLARET“iswrittenupinappetizingcapitals。“MulledClaret——oh，jolly！Howcolditis！“
saysBob；Ipasson。“It\'sonlythreeo\'clock，“saysBob。“No，onlythree，“Isay，meekly。“Wedineatseven，“sighsBob，“andit\'sso-o-ocoo-old。”Istillwouldtakenohints。Noclaret，norefreshment，nosandwiches，nosausage-rollsforBob。AtlastIamobligedtotellhimall。Justbeforewelefthome，alittleChristmasbillpoppedinatthedoorandemptiedmypurseatthethreshold。Iforgotallaboutthetransaction，andhadtoborrowhalfacrownfromJohnCoachmantopayforourentranceintothepalaceofdelight。NOWyousee，Bob，whyIcouldnottreatyouonthatsecondofJanuarywhenwedrovetothepalacetogether；whenthegirlsandboyswereslidingonthepondsatDulwich；whenthedarklingriverwasfulloffloatingice，andthesunwaslikeawarming-panintheleadensky。
OnemoreChristmassightwehad，ofcourse；andthatsightIthinkI
likeaswellasBobhimselfatChristmas，andatallseasons。Wewenttoacertaingardenofdelight，where，whateveryourcaresare，Ithinkyoucanmanagetoforgetsomeofthem，andmuse，andbenotunhappy；toagardenbeginningwithaZ，whichisaslivelyasNoah\'sark；wherethefoxhasbroughthisbrush，andthecockhasbroughthiscomb，andtheelephanthasbroughthistrunk，andthekangaroohasbroughthisbag，andthecondorhisoldwhitewigandblacksatinhood。Onthisdayitwassocoldthatthewhitebearswinkedtheirpinkeyes，astheyplappedupanddownbytheirpool，andseemedtosay，“Aha，thisweatherremindsusofourdearhome！“
“Cold！bah！Ihavegotsuchawarmcoat，“saysbrotherBruin，“I
don\'tmind；“andhelaughsonhispole，andclucksdownabun。Thesquealinghyaenasgnashedtheirteethandlaughedatusquiterefreshinglyattheirwindow；and，coldasitwas，Tiger，Tiger，burningbright，glaredatusred-hotthroughhisbars，andsnortedblastsofhell。Thewoollycamelleeredatusquitekindlyashepacedroundhisringonhissilentpads。Wewenttoourfavoriteplaces。Ourdearwambatcameup，andhadhimselfscratchedveryaffably。Ourfellow-creaturesinthemonkey-roomheldouttheirlittleblackhands，andpiteouslyaskedusforChristmasalms。
Thosedarlingalligatorsontheirrockwinkedatusinthemostfriendlyway。Thesolemneaglessatalone，andscowledatusfromtheirpeaks；whilstlittleTomRateltumbledoverheadandheelsforusinhisusualdivertingmanner。IfIhavecaresinmymind，I
cometotheZoo，andfancytheydon\'tpassthegate。Irecognizemyfriends，myenemies，incountlesscages。Ientertainedtheeagle，thevulture，theoldbilly-goat，andtheblack-pated，crimson-
necked，blear-eyed，baggy，hook-beakedoldmaraboustorkyesterdayatdinner；andwhenBob\'sauntcametoteaintheevening，andaskedhimwhathehadseen，hesteppeduptohergravely，andsaid——
“FirstIsawthewhitebear，thenIsawtheblack，ThenIsawthecamelwithahumpuponhisback。
Chorusofchildren:
ThenIsawthecamelwithaHUMPuponhisback！
ThenIsawthegraywolf，withmuttoninhismaw；
ThenIsawthewambatwaddleinthestraw；
ThenIsawtheelephantwithhiswavingtrunk，ThenIsawthemonkeys——mercy，howunpleasantlythey——smelt！“
There。Noonecanbeatthatpieceofwit，canhe，Bob?Andsoitisallover；butwehadajollytime，whilstyouwerewithus，hadn\'twe?Presentmyrespectstothedoctor；andIhope，myboy，wemayspendanothermerryChristmasnextyear。
ONACHALK-MARKONTHEDOOR
Onthedoorpostofthehouseofafriendofmine，afewinchesabovethelock，isalittlechalk-markwhichsomesportiveboyinpassinghasprobablyscratchedonthepillar。Thedoor-steps，thelock，handle，andsoforth，arekeptdecentlyenough；butthischalk-mark，Isupposesomethreeinchesoutofthehousemaid\'sbeat，hasalreadybeenonthedoorformorethanafortnight，andIwonderwhetheritwillbetherewhilstthispaperisbeingwritten，whilstitisattheprinter\'s，and，infine，untilthemonthpassesover?Iwonderwhethertheservantsinthathousewillreadtheseremarksaboutthechalkmark?ThattheCornhillMagazineistakenininthathouseI
know。InfactIhaveseenitthere。InfactIhavereaditthere。
InfactIhavewrittenitthere。Inaword，thehousetowhichI
alludeismine——the“editor\'sprivateresidence，“towhich，inspiteofprayers，entreaties，commands，andthreats，authors，andladiesespecially，WILLsendtheircommunications，althoughtheywon\'tunderstandthattheyinjuretheirowninterestsbysodoing；forhowisamanwhohashisownworktodo，hisownexquisiteinventionstoformandperfect——MariatorescuefromtheunprincipledEarl——theatrociousGeneraltoconfoundinhisownmachinations——theangelicDeantopromotetoabishopric，andsoforth——howisamantodoallthis，underahundredinterruptions，andkeephisnervesandtemperinthatjustandequablestateinwhichtheyoughttobewhenhecomestoassumethecriticaloffice?Asyouwillsendhere，ladies，ImusttellyouyouhaveamuchworsechancethanifyouforwardyourvaluablearticlestoCornhill。Hereyourpapersarrive，atdinner-time，wewillsay。Doyousupposethatisapleasantperiod，andthatwearetocriticiseyoubetweentheovumandmalum，betweenthesoupandthedessert?Ihavetouched，Ithink，onthissubjectbefore。Isayagain，ifyouwantrealjusticeshownyou，don\'tsendyourpaperstotheprivateresidence。Athome，forinstance，yesterday，havinggivenstrictordersthatIwastoreceivenobody，“exceptonbusiness，“doyousupposeasmilingyoungScottishgentleman，whoforcedhimselfintomystudy，andthereannouncedhimselfasagentofaCattle-foodCompany，wasreceivedwithpleasure?There，asIsatinmyarm-chair，supposehehadproposedtodrawacoupleofmyteeth，wouldIhavebeenpleased?Icouldhavethrottledthatagent。Idaresaythewholeofthatday\'sworkwillbefoundtingedwithaferociousmisanthropy，occasionedbymycleveryoungfriend\'sintrusion。Cattle-food，indeed！Asifbeans，oats，warmmashes，andaball，aretobepusheddownaman\'sthroatjustasheismeditatingonthegreatsocialproblem，or(forI
thinkitwasmyepicIwasgoingtotouchup)justashewasabouttosoartotheheightoftheempyrean！
Havinggotmycattle-agentoutofthedoor，Iresumemyconsiderationofthatlittlemarkonthedoorpost，whichisscoredupasthetextofthepresentlittlesermon；andwhichIhopewillrelate，nottochalk，nortoanyofitsspecialusesorabuses(suchasmilk，neck-powder，andthelike)，buttoservants。Surelyoursmightremovethatunseemlylittlemark。Supposeitwereonmycoat，mightInotrequestitsremoval?Iremember，whenIwasatschool，alittlecarelessboy，uponwhoseforeheadanink-markremained，andwasperfectlyrecognizableforthreeweeksafteritsfirstappearance。MayItakeanynoticeofthischalk-stainontheforeheadofmyhouse?Whosebusinessisittowashthatforehead?
andoughtItofetchabrushandalittlehotwater，andwashitoffmyself?
Yes。Butthatspotremoved，whynotcomedownatsix，andwashthedoorsteps?Idaresaytheearlyrisingandexercisewoulddomeagreatdealofgood。Thehousemaid，inthatcase，mightlieinbedalittlelater，andhaveherteaandthemorningpaperbroughttoherinbed:then，ofcourse，Thomaswouldexpecttobehelpedaboutthebootsandknives；cookaboutthesaucepans，dishes，andwhatnot；
thelady\'s-maidwouldwantsomebodytotakethecurl-papersoutofherhair，andgetherbathready。Youshouldhaveasetofservantsfortheservants，andtheseunderservantsshouldhaveslavestowaitonthem。Thekingcommandsthefirstlordinwaitingtodesirethesecondlordtointimatetothegentlemanushertorequestthepageoftheante-chambertoentreatthegroomofthestairstoimploreJohntoaskthecaptainofthebuttonstodesirethemaidofthestill-roomtobegthehousekeepertogiveoutafewmorelumpsofsugar，ashisMajestyhasnoneforhiscoffee，whichprobablyisgettingcoldduringthenegotiation。InourlittleBrentfordsweareallkings，moreorless。Thereareorders，gradations，hierarchies，everywhere。Inyourhouseandminetherearemysteriesunknowntous。Iamnotgoingintothehorridoldquestionof“followers。”Idon\'tmeancousinsfromthecountry，love-strickenpolicemen，orgentlemeninmuftifromKnightsbridgeBarracks；butpeoplewhohaveanoccultrightonthepremises；theuncovenantedservantsofthehouse；graywomenwhoareseenateveningwithbasketsflittingaboutarea-railings；dingyshawlswhichdropyoufurtivecurtsiesinyourneighborhood；demurelittleJacks，whostartupfrombehindboxesinthepantry。ThoseoutsiderswearThomas\'screstandlivery，andcallhim“Sir；“thosesilentwomenaddressthefemaleservantsas“Mum，“andcurtsybeforethem，squaringtheirarmsovertheirwretchedleanaprons。Then，again，thoseserviservorumhavedependantsinthevast，silent，poverty-
strickenworldoutsideyourcomfortablekitchenfire，intheworldofdarkness，andhunger，andmiserablecold，anddank，flaggedcellars，andhuddledstraw，andrags，inwhichpalechildrenareswarming。Itmaybeyourbeer(whichrunswithgreatvolubility)
hasapipeortwowhichcommunicateswiththosedarkcavernswherehopelessanguishpoursthegroan，andwouldscarceseelightbutforascraportwoofcandlewhichhasbeenwhippedawayfromyourworship\'skitchen。Notmanyyearsago——Idon\'tknowwhetherbeforeorsincethatwhitemarkwasdrawnonthedoor——aladyoccupiedtheconfidentialplaceofhousemaidinthis“privateresidence，“whobroughtagoodcharacter，whoseemedtohaveacheerfultemper，whomIusedtohearclatteringandbumpingoverheadoronthestairslongbeforedaylight——there，Isay，waspoorCamilla，scouringtheplain，trundlingandbrushing，andclatteringwithherpansandbrooms，andhummingatherwork。Well，shehadestablishedasmugglingcommunicationofbeerovertheareafrontier。Thisneat-handedPhyllisusedtopackupthenicestbasketsofmyprovender，andconveythemtosomebodyoutside——Ibelieve，onmyconscience，tosomepoorfriendindistress。Camillawasconsignedtoherdoom。
Shewassentbacktoherfriendsinthecountry；andwhenshewasgoneweheardofmanyofherfaults。Sheexpressedherself，whendispleased，inlanguagethatIshallnotrepeat。Asforthebeerandmeat，therewasnomistakeaboutthem。Butapres?CanIhavethehearttobeveryangrywiththatpoorjadeforhelpinganotherpoorerjadeoutofmylarder?Onyourhonorandconscience，whenyouwereaboy，andtheappleslookedtemptinglyoverFarmerQuarringdon\'shedge，didyounever——?Whentherewasagranddinnerathome，andyouweresliding，withMasterBacon，upanddownthestairs，andthedishescameout，didyoueverdosuchathingasjustto——?Well，inmanyandmanyarespectservantsarelikechildren。Theyareunderdomination。Theyaresubjecttoreproof，toilltemper，topettyexactionsandstupidtyranniesnotseldom。
Theyscheme，conspire，fawn，andarehypocrites。“Littleboysshouldnotlollonchairs。”“Littlegirlsshouldbeseen，andnotheard；“andsoforth。Havewenotalmostalllearnttheseexpressionsofoldfoozles:andutteredthemourselveswheninthesquare-toedstate?TheEtonmaster，whowasbreakingalancewithourPaterfamiliasoflate，turnedonPaterfamilias，saying，Heknowsnotthenatureandexquisitecandorofwell-bredEnglishboys。
Exquisitefiddlestick\'send，Mr。Master！Doyoumeanfortogofortotellusthattherelationsbetweenyounggentlemenandtheirschoolmastersareentirelyfrankandcordial；thattheladisfamiliarwiththemanwhocanhavehimflogged；nevershirkshisexercise；nevergetsotherboystodohisverses；neverdoesotherboys\'verses；neverbreaksbounds；nevertellsfibs——Imeanthefibspermittedbyscholastichonor?DidIknowofaboywhopretendedtosuchacharacter，Iwouldforbidmyscapegracestokeepcompanywithhim。DidIknowaschoolmasterwhopretendedtobelieveintheexistenceofmanyhundredsuchboysinoneschoolatonetime，I
wouldsetthatmandownasababyinknowledgeoftheworld。“Whowasmakingthatnoise?““Idon\'tknow，sir。”——Andheknowsitwastheboynexthiminschool。“Whowasclimbingoverthatwall?““I
don\'tknow，sir。”——Anditisinthespeaker\'sowntrousers，verylikely，theglassbottle-topshavelefttheircruelscars。Andsowithservants。“Whoateupthethreepigeonswhichwentdowninthepigeon-pieatbreakfastthismorning?““Odearme！sir，itwasJohn，whowentawaylastmonth！“——or，“IthinkitwasMissMary\'scanary-bird，whichgotoutofthecage，andissofondofpigeons，itnevercanhaveenoughofthem。”Yes，itWASthecanary-bird；andElizasawit；andElizaisreadytovowshedid。Thesestatementsarenottrue；butpleasedon\'tcallthemlies。Thisisnotlying；
thisisvotingwithyourparty。YouMUSTbackyourownside。Theservants\'-hallstandsbytheservants\'-hallagainstthedining-room。
Theschoolboysdon\'ttelltalesofeachother。Theyagreenottochoosetoknowwhohasmadethenoise，whohasbrokenthewindow，whohaseatenupthepigeons，whohaspickedalltheplovers\'-eggsoutoftheaspic，howitisthatliqueurbrandyofGledstane\'sisinsuchporousglassbottles——andsoforth。SupposeBrutushadafootman，whocameandtoldhimthatthebutlerdranktheCuracoa，whichoftheseservantswouldyoudismiss?——thebutler，perhaps，butthefootmancertainly。
No。Ifyourplateandglassarebeautifullybright，yourbellquicklyanswered，andThomasready，neat，andgood-humored，youarenottoexpectabsolutetruthfromhim。Theveryobsequiousnessandperfectionofhisservicepreventstruth。Hemaybeeversounwellinmindorbody，andhemustgothroughhisservice——handtheshiningplate，replenishthespotlessglass，laytheglitteringfork——neverlaughwhenyouyourselforyourguestsjoke——beprofoundlyattentive，andyetlookutterlyimpassive——exchangeafewhurriedcursesatthedoorwiththatunseenslaveywhoministerswithout，andwithyoubeperfectlycalmandpolite。Ifyouareill，hewillcometwentytimesinanhourtoyourbell；orleavethegirlofhisheart——hismother，whoisgoingtoAmerica——hisdearestfriend，whohascometosayfarewell——hislunch，andhisglassofbeerjustfreshlypouredout——anyorallofthese，ifthedoor-bellrings，orthemastercallsout“THOMAS“fromthehall。Doyousupposeyoucanexpectabsolutecandorfromamanwhomyoumayordertopowderhishair?AsbetweentheRev。HenryHolyshadeandhispupil，theideaofentireunreserveisutterbosh；sothetruthasbetweenyouandJeamesorThomas，orMarythehousemaid，orBettythecook，isrelative，andnottobedemandedononesideortheother。Why，respectfulcivilityisitselfalie，whichpoorJeamesoftenhastoutterorperformtomanyaswaggeringvulgarian，whoshouldblackJeames\'sboots，didJeameswearthemandnotshoes。
ThereisyourlittleTom，justten，orderingthegreat，large，quiet，orderlyyoungmanabout——shriekingcallsforhotwater——
bullyingJeamesbecausethebootsarenotvarnishedenough，ororderinghimtogotothestables，andaskJenkinswhythedeuceTomkinshasn\'tbroughthisponyround——orwhatyouwill。ThereismammarappingtheknucklesofPincotthelady\'s-maid，andlittleMissscoldingMartha，whowaitsupfivepairofstairsinthenursery。LittleMiss，Tommy，papa，mamma，youallexpectfromMartha，fromPincot，fromJenkins，fromJeames，obsequiouscivilityandwillingservice。Mydear，goodpeople，youcan\'thavetruthtoo。Supposeyouaskforyournewspaper，andJeamessays，“I\'mreadingit，andjestbegnottobedisturbed；“orsupposeyouaskforacanofwater，andheremarks，“Yougreat，big，\'ulkingfellar，ain\'tyoubigenoughtobringithupyoursulf?“whatwouldyourfeelingsbe?Now，ifyoumadesimilarproposalsorrequeststoMr。
Jonesnextdoor，thisisthekindofanswerJoneswouldgiveyou。
Yougettruthhabituallyfromequalsonly；somygoodMr。Holyshade，don\'ttalktomeaboutthehabitualcandoroftheyoungEtonianofhighbirth，orIhavemyownopinionofYOURcandorordiscernmentwhenyoudo。No。TomBowlingisthesoulofhonorandhasbeentruetoBlack-eyedSyousansincethelasttimetheypartedatWappingOldStairs；butdoyousupposeTomisperfectlyfrank，familiar，andaboveboardinhisconversationwithAdmiralNelson，K。C。B。?Therearesecrets，prevarications，fibs，ifyouwill，betweenTomandtheAdmiral——betweenyourcrewandTHEIRcaptain。I
knowIhireaworthy，clean，agreeable，andconscientiousmaleorfemalehypocrite，atsomanyguineasayear，todosoandsoforme。
WereheotherthanhypocriteIwouldsendhimabouthisbusiness。
Don\'tletmydispleasurebetoofiercewithhimforafibortwoonhisownaccount。
