第1章

类别:其他 作者:By FRANCES HODGSON BURNETT字数:7116更新时间:18/12/18 11:15:01
I Therearealwaystwowaysoflookingatathing,frequentlytherearesixorseven;buttwowaysoflookingataLondonfogarequiteenough。Whenitisthickandyellowinthestreetsandstingsaman’sthroatandlungsashebreathesit,anawakeningintheearlymorningiseitheranunearthlyandgrewsome,oramysteriouslyenclosing,secluding,andcomfortablething。Ifoneawakensinahealthybody,andwithaclearbrainrestedbynormalsleepandretainingmemoriesofanormallyagreeableyesterday,onemayliewatchingthehousemaidbuildingthefire; andaftershehassweptthehearthandputthingsinorder,liewatchingtheflamesoftheblazingandcracklingwoodcatchthecoalsandsetthemblazingalso,anddancingmerrilyandfillingcornerswithaglow;andinsolyingandrealizingthatleapinglightandwarmthandasoftbedaregoodthings,onemayturnoveronone’sback,stretchingarmsandlegsluxuriously,drawingdeepbreathsandsmilingataknowledgeofthefogoutsidewhichmakeshalf—pasteighto’clockonaDecembermorningasdarkastwelveo’clockonaDecembernight。Undersuchconditionsthesoft,thick,yellowgloomhasitspicturesqueandevenhumorousaspect。 Onefeelsenclosedbyitatoncefantasticallyandcosily,andisinclinedtorevelinimaginingsofthepictureoutside,itsRembrandtlightsandorangeyellows,thehalosaboutthestreet—lamps,theilluminationofshop— windows,theflareoftorchesstuckupovercosterbarrowsandcoffee— stands,theshadowsonthefacesofthemenandwomensellingandbuyingbesidethem。Refreshedbysleepandcomfortandsurroundedbylight,warmth,andgoodcheer,itiseasytofacetheday,toconfrontgoingoutintothefogandfeelingasortofpleasureinitsmysteries。Thisisonewayoflookingatit,butonlyone。 Theotherwayismarkedbyenormousdifferences。 Aman——hehadgivenhisnametothepeopleofthehouseasAntonyDart——awakenedinathird—storybedroominalodging—houseinapoorstreetinLondon,andashisconsciousnessreturnedtohim,itsslowandreluctantmovingsconfrontedthesecondpointofview——markedbyenormousdifferences。Hehadnotslepttwoconsecutivehoursthroughthenight,andwhenhehadslepthehadbeentormentedbydrearydreams,whichweremorefullofmiserybecauseoftheirelusivevagueness,whichkepthistorturedbrainonawearyingstrainofefforttoreachsomedefiniteunderstandingofthem。Yetwhenheawakenedtheconsciousnessofbeingagainalivewasanawfulthing。 Ifthedreamscouldhavefadedintoblanknessandallhavepassedwiththepassingofthenight,howhecouldhavethankedwhatevergodstherebe!Onlynottoawake—— onlynottoawake!Buthehadawakened。 Theclockstrucknineashedidso,consequentlyheknewthehour。 Thelodging—houseslaveyhadarousedhimbycomingtolightthefire。Shehadsethercandleonthehearthanddoneherworkasstealthilyaspossible,buthehadbeendisturbed,thoughhehadmadeadesperateefforttostrugglebackintosleep。Thatwasnouse——nouse。Hewasawakeandhewasinthemidstofitallagain。 Withoutthesenseofluxuriouscomfortheopenedhiseyesandturneduponhisback,throwingouthisarmsflatly,sothathelayasintheformofacross,inheavywearinessandanguish。Formonthshehadawakenedeachmorningaftersuchanightandhadsolainlikeacrucifiedthing。 Ashewatchedthepainfulflickeringofthedampandsmokingwoodandcoalherememberedthisandthoughtthattherehadbeenalifetimeofsuchawakenings,notknowingthatthemorbidnessofafaggedbrainblottedoutthememoryofmorenormaldaysandtoldhimfantasticlieswhichwerebutahundredthparttruth。Hecouldseeonlythehundredthparttruth,anditassumedproportionssohugethathecouldseenothingelse。Insuchastatethehumanbrainisaninfernalmachineanditsworkingscanonlybeconqueredifthemortalthingwhichliveswithit——dayandnight,nightandday——haslearnedtoseparateitscontrollablefromitsseeminglyuncontrollableatoms,andcansilenceitsclamoronitswaytomadness。 AntonyDarthadnotlearnedthisthingandtheclamorhadhaditshideouswaywithhim。Physicianswouldhavegivenanametohismentalandphysicalcondition。Hehadheardthesenamesoften——appliedtomenthestrainofwhoseliveshadbeenlikethestrainofhisown,andhadleftthemasithadlefthim—— jaded,joyless,breakingthings。Someofthemhadbeenbrokenandhaddiedorweredraggingoutbruisedandtormenteddaysintheirownhomesorinmad—houses。Healwaysshudderedwhenheheardtheirnames,andrebelledwithsickfearagainstthemerementionofthem。Theyhadworkedashehadworked,theyhadbeenstrickenwiththedeliriumofaccumulation——accumulation—— ashehadbeen。Theyhadbeencaughtintherushandswirlofthegreatmaelstrom,andhadbeenborneroundandroundinit,untilhavinggraspedeverycovetedthingtossinguponitscirclingwaters,theythemselveshadbeenflungupontheshorewithbothhandsfull,therocksaboutthemstrewnwithrichpossessions,whiletheylayprostrateandgazedatalllifehadbroughtwithdull,hopeless,anguishedeyes。Heknew——iftheworstcametotheworst—— whatwouldbesaidofhim,becausehehadhearditsaidofothers。\"Heworkedtoohard——heworkedtoohard。\"Hewassickofhearingit。 Whatwaswrongwiththeworld—— whatwaswrongwithman,asMan——ifworkcouldbreakhimlikethis? IfonebelievedinDeity,thelivingcreatureItbreathedintobeingmustbeaperfectthing——notonetobewearied,sickened,torturedbythelifeItsbreathinghadcreated。A meremanwoulddisdaintobuildathingsopoorandincomplete。 Amerehumanengineerwhoconstructedanenginewhoseworkingswereperpetuallyatfault——whichwentwrongwhencalledupontodothelaboritwasmadefor——whowouldnotscoffatitandcastitasideasapieceofworthlessbungling? \"Somethingiswrong,\"hemut— tered,lyingflatuponhiscrossandstaringattheyellowhazewhichhadcreptthroughcranniesinwindow— sashesintotheroom。\"Someoneiswrong。IsitI——orYou?\" Histhinlipsdrewthemselvesbackagainsthisteethinamirthlesssmilewhichwaslikeagrin。 \"Yes,\"hesaid。\"Iamprettyfargone。IambeginningtotalktomyselfaboutGod。BryandiditjustbeforehewastakentoDr。Hewletts’ placeandcuthisthroat。\" Hehadnotledaspeciallyevillife;hehadnotbrokenlaws,butthesubjectofDeitywasnotonewhichhisschemeofexistencehadincluded。Whenithadhauntedhimoflatehehadfeltitanuntowardandmorbidsign。Thethinghaddrawnhim——drawnhim;hehadcomplainedagainstit,hehadargued,sometimesheknew——shuddering—— thathehadraved。Somethinghadseemedtostandasideandwatchhisbeingandhisthinking。 Somethingwhichfilledtheuniversehadseemedtowait,andtohavewaitedthroughalltheeternalages,toseewhathe——oneman——woulddo。Attimesagreatappalledwonderhadsweptoverhimathisrealizationthathehadneverknownorthoughtofitbefore。Ithadbeentherealways——throughalltheagesthathadpassed。Andsometimes—— onceortwice——thethoughthadinsomeunspeakable,untranslatablewaybroughthimamoment’scalm。 Butatothertimeshehadsaidtohimself——withashiveringsoulcoweringwithinhim——thatthiswasonlypartofitallandwasabeginning,perhaps,ofreligiousmonomania。 Duringthelastweekhehadknownwhathewasgoingtodo—— hehadmadeuphismind。Thisabjecthorrorthroughwhichothershadletthemselvesbedraggedtomadnessordeathhewouldnotendure。Theendshouldcomequickly,andnooneshouldbesmittenaghastbyseeingorknowinghowitcame。 InthecrowdedshabbierstreetsofLondontherewerelodging—houseswhereone,bytakingprecautions,couldendhislifeinsuchamanneraswouldblothimoutofanyworldwheresuchamanashimselfhadbeenknown。Apistol,properlymanaged,wouldobliterateresemblancetoanyhumanthing。Monthsagothroughchancetalkhehadheardhowitcouldbedone——anddonequickly。 Hecouldleaveamisleadingletter。 Hehadplannedwhatitshouldbe—— thestoryitshouldtellofadisheartenedmediocreventurerofhispoorallreturningbankruptandhumiliatedfromAustralia,endingexistenceinsuchpennilessnessthattheparishmustgivehimapauper’sgrave。Whatdiditmatterwhereamanlay,sothatheslept——slept—— slept?Surelywithone’sbrainsscatteredonewouldsleepsoundlyanywhere。 Hehadcometothehousethenightbefore,dressedshabbilywiththepitiablerespectabilityofadefeatedman。Hehadentereddroopinglywithbentshouldersandhopelesshangofhead。Inhisownspherehewasamanwhoheldhimselfwell。Hehadletfallafewdispiritedsentenceswhenhehadengagedhisbackroomfromthewomanofthehouse,andshehadrecognizedhimasoneoftheluckless。 Infact,shehadhesitatedamomentbeforehisunreliablelookuntilhehadtakenoutmoneyfromhispocketandpaidhisrentforaweekinadvance。Shewouldhavethatatleastforhertrouble,hehadsaidtohimself。Heshouldnotoccupytheroomafterto—morrow。Inhisownhomesomedayswouldpassbeforehishouseholdbegantomakeinquiries。HehadtoldhisservantsthathewasgoingovertoParisforachange。Hewouldbesafeanddeepinhispauper’sgraveaweekbeforetheyaskedeachotherwhytheydidnothearfromhim。Allwasinorder。Oneofthemockingagonieswasthatlivingwasdonefor。Hehadceasedtolive。Work,pleasure,sun,moon,andstarshadlosttheirmeaning。Hestoodandlookedatthemostradiantlovelinessoflandandskyandseaandfeltnothing。 Successbroughtgreaterwealtheachdaywithoutstirringapulseofpleasure,evenintriumph。Therewasnothingleftbuttheawfuldaysandawfulnightstowhichheknewphysicianscouldgivetheirscientificname,buthadnohealingfor。Hehadgonefarenough。Hewouldgonofarther。To—morrowitwouldhavebeenoverlonghours。Andtherewouldhavebeennopublicdeclaimingoverthehumiliatingpitifulnessofhisend。Andwhatdiditmatter? Howthickthefogwasoutside—— thickenoughforamantolosehimselfinit。Theyellowmistwhichhadcreptinunderthedoorsandthroughthecrevicesofthewindow— sashesgaveaghostlylooktotheroom——aghastly,abnormallook,hesaidtohimself。Thefirewassmoulderinginsteadofblazing。Butwhatdiditmatter?Hewasgoingout。Hehadnotboughtthepistollastnight——likeafool。Somehowhisbrainhadbeensotiredandcrowdedthathehadforgotten。 \"Forgotten。\"Hementallyrepeatedthewordashegotoutofbed。 Bythistimeto—morrowheshouldhaveforgotteneverything。THIS TIMETO—MORROW。Hismindrepeatedthatalso,ashebegantodresshimself。Whereshouldhebe?Shouldhebeanywhere?Supposeheawakenedagain——tosomethingasbadasthis?Howdidamangetoutofhisbody?Afterthecrashandshockwhathappened?DidonefindoneselfstandingbesidetheThingandlookingdownatit?Itwouldnotbeagoodthingtostandandlookdownon——evenforthatwhichhaddesertedit。Buthavingtornoneselfloosefromitanditsdevilishachesandpains,onewouldnotcare——onewouldseehowlittleitallmattered。Anythingelsemustbebetterthanthis——thethingforwhichtherewasascientificnamebutnohealing。Hehadtakenallthedrugs,hehadobeyedallthemedicalorders,andherehewasafterthatlasthellofanight——dressinghimselfinabackbedroomofacheaplodging—housetogooutandbuyapistolinthisdamnedfog。 Helaughedatthelastphraseofhisthought,thelaughwhichwasamirthlessgrin。 \"IamthinkingofitasifIwasafraidoftakingcold,\"hesaid。 \"Andto—morrow——!\" TherewouldbenoTo—morrow。 To—morrowswereatanend。Nomorenights——nomoredays——nomoremorrows。 Hefinisheddressing,puttingonhisdiscriminatinglychosenshabby— genteelclotheswithacarefortheeffectheintendedthemtoproduce。 Thecollarandcuffsofhisshirtwerefrayedandyellow,andhefastenedhiscollarwithapinandtiedhiswornnecktiecarelessly。Hisovercoatwasbeginningtowearagreenishshadeandlookthreadbare,sowashishat。 Whenhistoiletwascompletehelookedathimselfinthecrackedandhazyglass,bendingforwardtoscrutinizehisunshavenfaceundertheshadowofthedingyhat。 \"Itisallright,\"hemuttered。 \"ItisnotfartothepawnshopwhereIsawit。\" Thestillnessoftheroomasheturnedtogooutwasuncanny。Asitwasabackroom,therewasnostreetbelowfromwhichcouldarisesoundsofpassingvehicles,andthethicknessofthefogmuffledsuchsoundasmighthavefloatedfromthefront。Hestoppedhalf—waytothedoor,notknowingwhy,andlistened。 Towhat——forwhat?Thesilenceseemedtospreadthroughallthehouse——outintothestreets—— throughallLondon——throughalltheworld,andhetostandinthemidstofit,amanonthewaytoDeath——withnoTo—morrow。 Whatdiditmean?Itseemedtomeansomething。Theworldwithdrawn——lifewithdrawn——soundwithdrawn——breathwithdrawn。Hestoodandwaited。Perhapsthiswasoneofthesymptomsofthemorbidthingforwhichtherewasthatname。Ifsohehadbettergetawayquicklyandhaveitover,lesthebefoundwanderingaboutnotknowing——notknowing。Butnowheknew——theSilence。Hewaited——waitedandtriedtohear,asifsomethingwascallinghim——callingwithoutsound。Itreturnedtohim——thethoughtofThatwhichhadwaitedthroughalltheagestoseewhathe——oneman——woulddo。 Hehadneverexactlypitiedhimselfbefore——hedidnotknowthathepitiedhimselfnow,buthewasamangoingtohisdeath,andalight,coldsweatbrokeoutonhimanditseemedasifitwasnothewhodidit,butsomeother——heflungouthisarmsandcriedaloudwordshehadnotknownhewasgoingtospeak。 \"Lord!Lord!WhatshallIdotobesaved?\" ButtheSilencegavenoanswer。 ItwastheSilencestill。 Andafterstandingafewmomentspanting,hisarmsfellandhisheaddropped,andturningthehandleofthedoor,hewentouttobuythepistol。 II Ashewentdownthenarrowstaircase,coveredwithitsdingyandthreadbarecarpet,hefoundthehousesofullofdirtyyellowhazethatherealizedthatthefogmustbeoftheextraordinaryoneswhicharerememberedinafter—yearsasabnormalspecimensoftheirkind。Herecalledthattherehadbeenoneofthesortthreeyearsbefore,andthattrafficandbusinesshadbeenalmostentirelystoppedbyit,thataccidentshadhappenedinthestreets,andthatpeoplehavinglosttheirwayhadwanderedaboutturningcornersuntiltheyfoundthemselvesfarfromtheirintendeddestinationsandobligedtotakerefugeinhotelsorthehousesofhospitablestrangers。Curiousincidentshadoccurredandoddstoriesweretoldbythosewhohadfeltthemselvesobligedbycircumstancestogooutintothebafflinggloom。 Heguessedthatsomethingofalikenaturehadfallenuponthetownagain。Thegas—lightonthelandingsandinthemelancholyhallburnedfeebly——sofeeblythatonegotbutavagueviewofthericketyhat—standandtheshabbyovercoatsandhead—gearhanginguponit。Itwaswellforhimthathehadbutacornerorsototurnbeforehereachedthepawnshopinwhosewindowhehadseenthepistolheintendedtobuy。 Whenheopenedthestreet—doorhesawthatthefogwas,uponthewhole,perhapsevenheavierandmoreobscuring,ifpossible,thantheonesowellremembered。Hecouldnotseeanythingthreefeetbeforehim,hecouldnotseewithdistinctnessanythingtwofeetahead。Thesensationofsteppingforwardwasuncertainandmysteriousenoughtobealmostappalling。Amannotsufficientlycautiousmighthavefallenintoanyopenholeinhispath。AntonyDartkeptascloselyaspossibletothesidesofthehouses。Itwouldhavebeeneasytowalkoffthepavementintothemiddleofthestreetbutfortheedgesofthecurbandthestepdownwardfromitslevel。Traffichadalmostabsolutelyceased,thoughinthemoreimportantstreetslink— boysweremakingeffortstoguidemenorfour—wheelersslowlyalong。 Theblindfeelingofthethingwasratherawful。Thoughbutfewpedestrianswereout,Dartfoundhimselfonceortwicebrushingagainstorcomingintoforciblecontactwithmenfeelingtheirwayaboutlikehimself。 \"Oneturntotheright,\"herepeatedmentally,\"twototheleft,andtheplaceisatthecorneroftheothersideofthestreet。\" Hemanagedtoreachitatlast,butithadbeenaslow,andtherefore,longjourney。Allthegas—jetsthelittleshopownedwerelighted,butevenundertheirflarethearticlesinthewindow——theoneortwooncecheaplygaudydressesandshawlsandmen’sgarments——hunginthehazelikethedreary,danglingghostsofthingsrecentlyexecuted。 Amongwatchesandforlornpiecesofold—fashionedjewelryandoddsandends,thepistollayagainstthefoldsofadirtygauzeshawl。Thereitwas。Itwouldhavebeenannoyingifsomeoneelsehadbeenbeforehandandhadboughtit。