Toteachhimpatience，teachhimtact，Howpromptlyinafixtoact，Heshouldadopt，inpointoffact，Amanager’sprofession。
Tothatconditionheshouldstoop（Despiteatoofondmother），Witheightorten\"stars\"inhistroupe，Alljealousofeachother！
Oh，themanwhocanruleatheatricalcrew，Eachmemberagenius（andsomeofthemtwo），Andmanagetohumourthem，littleandgreat，Cangovernatuppenny—ha’pennyState！
BothAandBrehearsalslight—
Theysaythey’llbe\"allrightatnight\"
（They’vebothtogotoschoolyet）;
CineachactMUSTchangeherdress，DWILLattemptto\"squarethepress\";
Ewon’tplayRomeounlessHisgrandmotherplaysJuliet;
Fclaimsallhoydensasherrights（She’splayedthemthirtyseasons）;
AndGmustshowherselfintightsFortwoconvincingreasons—
Twoverywell—shapedreasons！
Oh，themanwhocandriveatheatricalteam，Withwheelersandleadersinordersupreme，Cangovernandrule，withawaveofhisfin，AllEuropeandAsia—withIrelandthrownin！
Ballad:OutOfSortsWhenyoufindyou’reabroken—downcritter，Whoisallofatrimmleandtwitter，Withyourpalateunpleasantlybitter，Asifyou’djustbittenapill—
Whenyourlegsareasthinasdividers，Andyou’replaguedwithunrulyinsiders，Andyourspineisallcreepywithspiders，Andyou’rehighlygambogeinthegill—
Whenyou’vegotabeehiveinyourhead，Andasewingmachineineachear，Andyoufeelthatyou’veeatenyourbed，Andyou’vegotabadheadacheDOWNHERE—
Whensuchfactsareabout，AndthesesymptomsyoufindInyourbodyorcrown—
Well，it’stimetolookout，YoumaymakeupyourmindYouhadbetterliedown！
Whenyourlipsareallsmeary—liketallow，Andyourtongueisdecidedlyyallow，WithapintofwarmoilinyourswAllow，Andapoundoftin—tacksinyourchest—
Whenyou’redowninthemouthwiththevapours，AndalloveryournewMorrispapersBlack—beetlesarecuttingtheircapers，Andcrawlythingsneveratrest—
Whenyoudoubtifyourheadisyourown，Andyoujumpwhenanopendoorslams—
Thenyou’vegottoastatewhichisknownTothemedicalworldas\"jim—jams。\"
IfsuchsymptomsyoufindInyourbodyorhead，They’renoteasytoquell—
YoumaymakeupyourmindYouarebetterinbed，Foryou’renotatallwell！
Ballad:HowIt’sDoneBold—facedranger（Perfectstranger）
Meetstwowell—behavedyoungladiesHe’sattractive，Youngandactive—
Eachalittlebitafraidis。
Youthadvances，AthisglancesTotheirdangertheyawaken;
TheyrepelhimAstheytellhimHeisverymuchmistaken。
Thoughtheyspeaktohimpolitely，Pleaseobservethey’resneeringslightly，Justtoshowhe’sactingvainly。
ThisisVirtuesayingplainly，\"Goaway，youngbachelor，Wearenotwhatyoutakeusfor！\"
（Whenaddressedimpertinently，Englishladiesanswergently，\"Goaway，youngbachelor，Wearenotwhatyoutakeusfor！\"）
Ashegazes，Hatheraises，Entersintoconversation。
Makesexcuses—
ThisproducesInterestingagitation。
He，withdaring，Undespairing，Giveshiscard—hisrankdiscloses—
LittleheedingThisproceeding，Theyturnuptheirlittlenoses。
Prayobservethislessonvital—
WhenamanofrankandtitleHispositionfirstdiscloses，Alwayscockyourlittlenoses。
Whenathome，letalltheclassTrythisinthelooking—glass。
（Englishgirlsofwell—brednotionsShunallunrehearsedemotions，EnglishgirlsofhighestclassPractisethembeforetheglass。）
HisintentionsThenhementions，Somethingdefinitetogoon—
MakesrecitalsOfhistitles，Hintsatsettlements，andsoon。
Smilingsweetly，They，discreetly，Askforfurtherevidences:
Thusinvited，He，delighted，Givestheusualreferences。
Thisisbusiness。EachisflutteredWhentheoffer’sfairlyuttered。
\"Whichofthemhashisaffection？\"
Hedeclinestomakeselection。
Dotheyquarrelforhisdross？
Notabitofit—theytoss！
Pleaseobservethiscogentmoral—
Englishladiesneverquarrel。
Whenadoubttheycomeacross，Englishladiesalwaystoss。
Ballad:AClassicalRevivalAttheoutsetImaymentionit’smysovereignintentionTorevivetheclassicmemoriesofAthensatitsbest，Formycompanypossessesallthenecessarydresses，Andacourseofquietcrammingwillsupplyuswiththerest。
We’veachoirhyporchematic（thatis，ballet—operatic）
WhorespondtotheCHOREUTAEofthatcultivatedage，Andourcleverchorus—master，allbutcaptiouscriticaster，WouldacceptastheCHOREGUSoftheearlyAtticstage。
Thisreturntoclassicagesisconsideredintheirwages，Whicharealwayscalculatedbythedayorbytheweek—
AndI’llpay’em（ifthey’llbackme）allinOBOLOIandDRACHMAE，Whichthey’llget（iftheypreferit）attheKalendsthatareGreek！
（AtthisjunctureImaymentionThatthiseruditionshamIsbutclassicalpretension，Theresultofsteady\"cram。\":
Periphrasticmethodsspurning，TomyreadersalldiscerningIadmitthisshowoflearningIsthefruitofsteadycram。\"！）
IntheperiodSocraticeverydining—roomwasAttic（Whichsuggestsanarchitectureofatopsy—turvykind），Therethey’dsatisfytheirtwistonaRECHERCHEcold[Greektextwhichcannotbereproduced]，Whichiswhattheycalledtheirlunch—andsomayyou，ifyou’reinclined。
Astheygraduallygoton，they’d[Greektextwhichcannotbereproduced]
（WhichisAtticforasteadyandaconscientiousdrink）。
Buttheymixedtheirwinewithwater—whichI’msuretheydidn’toughter—
AndweAnglo—Saxonsknowatrickworthtwoofthat，Ithink！
Thencameratherriskydances（undercertaincircumstances）
Whichwouldshockthatworthygentleman，theLicenserofPlays，CorybantianmaniACkick—DionysiacorBacchic—
AndtheDithyrambicrevelsofthoseindecorousdays。
（AndperhapsI’dbettermentionLestalarmingyouIam，Thatitisn’tourintentionToperformaDithyramb—
Itdisplaysalotofstocking，Whichisalwaysveryshocking，AndofcourseI’monlymockingAttheprevalenceof\"cram。\"）
Yes，onreconsideration，therearecustomsofthatnationWhicharenotinstrictaccordancewiththehabitsofourday，AndwhenIcometocodify，theirrulesImeantomodify，OrMrs。Grundy，p’r’aps，mayhaveawordortwotosay:
Fortheyhadn’tmacintoshesorumbrellasorgoloshes—
Andashowerwiththeirdressesmusthaveplayedtheverydeuce，Anditmusthavebeenunpleasingwhentheycaughtafitofsneezing，For，itseems，ofpocket—handkerchiefstheydidn’tknowtheuse。
Theyworelittleunderclothing—scarcelyanything—orno—thing—
AndtheirdressofCoansilkwasquitetransparentindesign—
Well，infact，insummerweather，somethinglikethe\"altogether。\"
Andit’sTHERE，Iratherfancy，Ishallhavetodrawtheline！
（AndagainIwishtomentionThatthiseruditionshamIsbutclassicalpretension，Theresultofsteady\"cram。\"
Yetmyclassicloveaggressive，Ifyou’llpardonthepossessive，IsexceedinglyimpressiveWhenyou’repassinganexam。）
Ballad:ThePracticalJokerOhwhatafundofjoyjocundlieshidinharmlesshoaxes！
WhatkeenenjoymentspringsFromcheapandsimplethings！
Whatdeepdelightfromsourcestriteinventivehumourcoaxes，ThatpainandtroublebrewForeveryonebutyou！
GunpowderplacedinsideitswaistimprovesamildHavanah，ItsunexpectedflashBurnseyebrowsandmoustache;
Whenpeopledinenokindofwinebeatsipecacuanha，ButcommonsensesuggestsYoukeepitforyourguests—
Thennaughtannoystheorganboyslikethrowingred—hotcoppers，AndmuchamusementbidesIncommonbutter—slides。
Andstringysnaresacrossthestairscauseunexpectedcroppers。
Coalscuttles，recollect，Producethesameeffect。
AmanpossessedOfcommonsenseNeednotinvestAtgreatexpense—
ItdoesnotcallForpocketdeep，ThesejokesareallExtremelycheap。
Ifyoucommencewitheighteenpence（it’sallyou’llhavetopay），Youmaycommandapleasantandamostinstructiveday。
Agoodspringgunbreedsendlessfun，andmakesmenjumplikerockets，Andturnip—headsonpostsMakeverydecentghosts:
Thenhornetsstinglikeanything，whenplacedinwaist—coatpockets—
BurntcorkandwalnutjuiceArenotwithouttheiruse。
Nofuncompareswitheasychairswhoseseatsarestuffedwithneedles—
LiveshrimpstheirpatiencetaxWhenputdownpeople’sbacks—
Surprising，too，whatonecandowithfiftyfatblackbeedles—
AndtreacleonachairWillmakeaQuakerswear！
ThensharptintacksAndpocketsquirts—
Andcobblers’waxForladies’skirts—
AndslimyslugsOnbedroomfloors—
AndwaterjugsOnopendoors—
Preparedwiththesecheapproperties，amusingtrickstoplay，Uponafriendamanmayspendamostdelightfulday！
Ballad:TheNationalAnthemAmonarchispesteredwithcares，Though，nodoubt，hecanoftentrepanthem;
Butonecomesinashapehecanneverescape—
TheimplacableNationalAnthem！
Thoughforquietandresthemayyearn，Itpursueshimateveryturn—
NochanceofforsakingItsROCOCOnumbers;
Theyhaunthimwhenwaking—
Theypoisonhisslumbers—
LiketheBanburyLady，whomeveryoneknows，He’scursedwithitsmusicwhereverhegoes！
Thoughitswordsbutimperfectlyrhyme，Andthedevilhimselfcouldn’tscanthem;
WithcomposurepoliteheenduresdayandnightThatilliterateNationalAnthem！
Itservesagoodpurpose，Iown:
Itsstrainsaredevoutandimpressive—
Itsheart—stirringnotesraisealumpinourthroatsAsweburnwithdevotionexcessive:
ButtheKing，who’sbeenboredbythatsongFromhiscradle—eachday—alldaylong—
Who’shearditloud—shoutedBythroatsoperatic，AndloyallyspoutedBycourtiersemphatic—
Bysoldier—bysailor—bydrumandbyfife—
Smallblameifhethinksittheplagueofhislife！
Whilehissubjectssingloudlyandlong，TheirKing—whowouldwillinglybanthem—
Sits，worrydisguising，anathematisingThatBogie，theNationalAnthem！
Ballad:HerTermsMyweddedlifeMusteverypleasurebringOnscaleextensive！
IfI’myourwifeImusthaveeverythingThat’smostexpensive—
Alady’s—maid—
（MyhairalonetodoIamnotable）—
AndI’mafraidI’vebeenaccustomedtoAfirst—ratetable。
Thesethingsonemustconsiderwhenonemarries—
AndeverythingIwearmustcomefromParis！
Oh，thinkofthat！
Oh，thinkofthat！
Ican’twearanythingthat’snotfromParis！
FromtoptotoesQuiteFrenchifiedIam，Ifyouexamine。
Andthen—whoknows？—
Perhapssomedayafam—
Perhapsafamine！
Myargument’scorrect，ifyouexamine，Whatshouldwedo，ifthereshouldcomeaf—famine！
ThoughingreenpeaYourselfyouneedn’tstintInJulysunny，InJanuareeItreallycostsamint—
Amintofmoney！
Nolambforus—
HouselambatChristmassellsAtpriceshandsome:
Asparagus，Inwinter，parallelsAMonarch’sransom:
Whenpursetobreadandbutterbarelyreaches，Whatisyourwifetodoforhot—housepeaches？
Ah！tellmethat！
Ah！tellmethat！
WhatISyourwifetodoforhot—housepeaches？
YourheartandhandThoughatmyfeetyoulay，Allothersscorning！
Asmattersstand，There’snothingnowtosayExcept—goodmorning！
Thoughvirtuebeahusband’sbestadorning，Thatwon’tpayratesandtaxes—so，goodmorning！
Ballad:TheIndependentBeeAhiveofbees，asI’veheardsay，SaidtotheirQueenonesultryday，\"PleaseyourMajesty’shighposition，Thehiveisfullandtheweatheriswarm，Weratherthink，withaduesubmission，Thetimehascomewhenweoughttoswarm。\"
Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
UpspaketheirQueenandthusspakeshe—
\"Thisisamatterthatrestswithme，Whodaresopinionsthustoform？
I’LLtellyouwhenitistimetoswarm！\"
Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
HerMajestyworeanangryfrown，Infact，herMajesty’sfootwasdown—
HerMajestysulked—declinedtosup—
Inshort，herMajesty’sbackwasup。
Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
Herfootwasdownandherbackwasup！
Thathivecontainedoneobstinatebee（HisnamewasPeter），andthusspakehe—
\"Thougheverybeehasshownwhitefeather，TobowtotyrannyI’mnotprone—
Whyshouldahiveswarmalltogether？
Surelyabeecanswarmalone？\"
Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
Upsidedownandinsideout，Backwards，forwards，roundabout，Twirlinghereandtwistingthere，Topsyturvilyeverywhere—
Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
PitifulsightitwastoseeRespectableelderlyhigh—classbee，Whokickedthebeamatsixteenstone，Tryinghisbesttoswarmalone！
Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
Tryinghisbesttoswarmalone！
Thehivewereshockedtoseetheirchum（Astrictteetotaller）teetotum—
TheQueenexclaimed，\"Howterrible，very！
It’sperfectlycleartoallthethrongPeter’sbeenattheoldbrownsherry。
Oldbrownsherryismuchtoostrong—
Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
Ofallwhothusthemselvesdegrade，Asternexamplemustbemade，ToCoventrygo，youtipsybee！\"
SoofftoCoventrytownwenthe。
Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
There，classedwithallwhomisbehave，Bothplausiblerogueandnoisomeknave，IndismaldumpshelivedtoownThefollyoftryingtoswarmalone！
Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
Allcameoftryingtoswarmalone。
Ballad:TheDisconcertedTenorAtenor，allsingersabove（Thisdoesn’tadmitofaquestion），Shouldkeephimselfquiet，Attendtohisdiet，Andcarefullynursehisdigestion。
Butwhenheismadlyinlove，It’scertaintotellonhissinging—
Youcan’tdochromaticsWithproperemphaticsWhenanguishyourbosomiswringing！
Whendistractedwithworriesinplenty，Andhispulseisahundredandtwenty，Andhisflutteringbosomtheslaveofmistrustis，Atenorcan’tdohimselfjustice。
Nowobserve—（SINGSAHIGHNOTE）—
Yousee，Ican’tdomyselfjustice！
Icouldsing，ifmyfervourweremock，It’seasyenoughifyou’reacting，Butwhenone’semotionIsbornofdevotion，Youmustn’tbeover—exacting。
OneoughttobefirmasarockToventureashakeinVIBRATO;
Whenfervour’sexpected，Keepcoolandcollected，OrneverattemptAGITATO。
But，ofcourse，whenhistongueisofleather，Andhislipsappearpastedtogether，Andhissensitivepalateasdryasacrustis，Atenorcan’tdohimselfjustice。
Nowobserve—（SINGSACADENCE）—
It’snouse—Ican’tdomyselfjustice！
Ballad:ThePlayed—OutHumoristQuixoticishisenterprise，andhopelesshisadventureis，Whoseeksforjocularitiesthathaven’tyetbeensaid。
Theworldhasjokedincessantlyforoverfiftycenturies，Andeveryjokethat’spossiblehaslongagobeenmade。
Istartedasahumoristwithlotsofmentalfizziness，Buthumourisadrugwhichit’sthefashiontoabuse;
Formystock—in—trade，myfixtures，andthegoodwillofthebusinessNoreasonableofferIamlikelytorefuse。
AndifanybodychooseHemaycirculatethenewsThatnoreasonableofferI’mlikelytorefuse。
Ohhappywasthathumorist—thefirstthatmadeapunatall—
Whowhenajokeoccurredtohim，howeverpoorandmean，Wasabsolutelycertainthatitneverhadbeendoneatall—
Howpopularatdinnersmustthathumoristhavebeen！
Ohthedayswhensomestepfatherforthequeryheldahandleout，Thedoor—matfromthescraper，isitdistantveryfar？
AndwhennooneknewwhereMoseswaswhenAaronblewthecandleout，Andnoonehaddiscoveredthatadoorcouldbea—jar！
ButyourmodernhearersareIntheirtastesparticular，Andtheysneerifyouinformthemthatadoorcanbea—jar！
Insearchofquipandquiddity，I’vesatallday，alone，apart—
AndallthatIcouldhitonasaproblemwas—tofindAnalogybetweenascragofmuttonandaBony—part，Whichoffersslightemploymenttothespeculativemind:
Foryoucannotcallitverygood，howevergreatyourcharity—
It’snotthesortofhumourthatisgreetedwithashout—
AndI’vecometotheconclusionthatmymineofjocularityInpresentAnnoDomini，isworkedcompletelyout！
Thoughthenotionyoumayscout，IcanprovebeyondadoubtThatmymineofjocularityisutterlyworkedout。
