STRAMMFEST。Whydon’tyoulaugh？Don’tyouappreciateHerImperialHighness’sjoke？
SCHNEIDEKIND[suddenlybecomingsolemn]。Idon’twantto，sir。
STRAMMFEST。Laughatonce，sir。Iorderyoutolaugh。
SCHNEIDEKIND[withatouchoftemper]。Ireallycan’t，sir。[Hesitsdowndecisively。]
STRAMMFEST[growlingathim]。Yah！[HeturnsimpressivelytotheGrandDuchess。]YourImperialHighnessdesiresmetoaddressyouascomrade？
THEGRANDDUCHESS[risingandwavingaredhandkerchief]。LonglivetheRevolution，comrade！
STRAMMFEST[risingandsaluting]。Proletariansofalllands，unite。LieutenantSchneidekind，youwillriseandsingtheMarseillaise。
SCHNEIDEKIND[rising]。ButIcannot，sir。Ihavenovoice，noear。
STRAMMFEST。Thensitdown;andburyyourshameinyourtypewriter。[Schneidekindsitsdown。]ComradeAnnajanska，youhaveelopedwithayoungofficer。
THEGRANDDUCHESS[astounded]。GeneralStrammfest，youlie。
STRAMMFEST。Denial，comrade，isuseless。Itisthroughthatofficerthatyourmovementshavebeentraced。[TheGrandDuchessissuddenlyenlightened，andseemsamused。Strammfestcontinuesanaforensicmanner。]HejoinedyouattheGoldenAnchorinHakonsburg。Yougaveustheslipthere;buttheofficerwastracedtoPotterdam，whereyourejoinedhimandwentalonetoPremsylople。Whathaveyoudonewiththatunhappyyoungman？
Whereishe？
THEGRANDDUCHESS[pretendingtowhisperanimportantsecret]。
Wherehehasalwaysbeen。
STRAMMFEST[eagerly]。Whereisthat？
THEGRANDDUCHESS[impetuously]。Inyourimagination。Icamealone。Iamalone。HundredsofofficerstraveleverydayfromHakonsburgtoPotterdam。WhatdoIknowaboutthem？
STRAMMFEST。Theytravelinkhaki。Theydonottravelinfulldresscourtuniformasthismandid。
SCHNEIDEKIND。Onlyofficerswhoareelopingwithgrandduchesseswearcourtuniform:otherwisethegrandduchessescouldnotbeseenwiththem。
STRAMMFEST。Holdyourtongue。[Schneidekind，inhighdudgeon，foldshisarmsandretiresfromtheconversation。TheGeneralreturnstohispaperandtohisexaminationoftheGrandDuchess。]Thisofficertravelledwithyourpassport。Whathaveyoutosaytothat？
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Bosh！Howcouldamantravelwithawoman’spassport？
STRAMMFEST。Itisquitesimple，asyouverywellknow。Adozentravellersarriveattheboundary。Theofficialcollectstheirpassports。Hecountstwelvepersons;thencountsthepassports。
Iftherearetwelve，heissatisfied。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Thenhowdoyouknowthatoneofthepassportswasmine？
STRAMMFEST。AwaiteratthePotterdamHotellookedattheofficer’spassportwhenhewasinhisbath。Itwasyourpassport。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Stuff！Whydidhenothavemearrested？
STRAMMFEST。Whenthewaiterreturnedtothehotelwiththepolicetheofficerhadvanished;andyouweretherewithyourownpassport。Theyknoutedhim。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Oh！Strammfest，sendthesemenaway。Imustspeaktoyoualone。
STRAMMFEST[risinginhorror]。No:thisisthelaststraw:I
cannotconsent。Itisimpossible，utterly，eternallyimpossible，thatadaughteroftheImperialHouseshouldspeaktoanyonealone，wereitevenherownhusband。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Youforgetthatthereisanexception。Shemayspeaktoachildalone。[Sherises。]Strammfest，youhavebeendandledonmygrandmother’sknee。BythatgraciousactionthedowagerPanjandrinamadeyouachildforever。SodidNature，bytheway。Iorderyoutospeaktomealone。Doyouhear？Iorderyou。Forsevenhundredyearsnomemberofyourfamilyhaseverdisobeyedanorderfromamemberofmine。Willyoudisobeyme？
STRAMMFEST。Thereisanalternativetoobedience。Thedeadcannotdisobey。[Hetakesouthispistolandplacesthemuzzleagainsthistemple。]
SCHNEIDEKIND[snatchingthepistolfromhim]。ForGod’ssake，General——
STRAMMFEST[attackinghimfuriouslytorecovertheweapon]。Dogofasubaltern，restorethatpistolandmyhonor。
SCHNEIDEKIND[reachingoutwiththepistoltotheGrandDuchess]。
Takeit:quick:heisasstrongasabull。
THEGRANDDUCHESS[snatchingit]。Aha！Leavetheroom，allofyouexcepttheGeneral。Atthedouble！lightning！electricity！[Shefiresshotaftershot，spatteringthebulletsabouttheanklesofthesoldiers。Theyflyprecipitately。SheturnstoSchneidekind，whohasbythistimebeenflungonthefloorbytheGeneral。]Youtoo。[Hescramblesup。]March。[Hefliestothedoor。]
SCHNEIDEKIND[turningatthedoor]。Foryourownsake，comrade——
THEGRANDDUCHESS[indignantly]。Comrade！You！！！Go。[Shefirestwomoreshots。Hevanishes。]
STRAMMFEST[makinganimpulsivemovementtowardsher]。MyImperialMistress——
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Stop。Ihaveonebulletleft，ifyouattempttotakethisfromme[puttingthepistoltohertemple]。
STRAMMFEST[recoiling，andcoveringhiseyeswithhishands]。Nono:putitdown:putitdown。Ipromiseeverything:Iswearanything;butputitdown，Iimploreyou。
THEGRANDDUCHESS[throwingitonthetable]。There！
STRAMMFEST[uncoveringhiseyes]。ThankGod！
THEGRANDDUCHESS[gently]。Strammfest:Iamyourcomrade。AmI
nothingmoretoyou？
STRAMMFEST[fallingonhisknee]。Youare，Godhelpme，allthatislefttomeoftheonlypowerIrecognizeonearth[hekissesherhand]。
THEGRANDDUCHESS[indulgently]。Idolater！Whenwillyoulearnthatourstrengthhasneverbeeninourselves，butinyourillusionsaboutus？[Sheshakesoffherkindliness，andsitsdowninhischair。]Nowtellme，whatareyourorders？Anddoyoumeantoobeythem？
STRAMMFEST[startinglikeagoadedox，andblunderingfretfullyabouttheroom]。HowcanIobeysixdifferentdictators，andnotonegentlemanamongthelotofthem？Oneofthemordersmetomakepeacewiththeforeignenemy。Anotherordersmetoofferalltheneutralcountries48hourstochoosebetweenadoptinghisviewsonthesingletaxandbeinginstantlyinvadedandannihilated。AthirdordersmetogotoadamnedSocialistConferenceandexplainthatBeotiawillallownoannexationsandnoindemnities，andmerelywishestoestablishtheKingdomofHeavenonEarththroughouttheuniverse。[HefinishesbehindSchneidekind’schair。]
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Damntheirtrifling！
STRAMMFEST。IthankYourImperialHighnessfromthebottomofmyheartforthatexpression。Europethanksyou。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。M’yes;but——[rising]。Strammfest，youknowthatyourcause——thecauseofthedynasty——islost。
STRAMMFEST。Youmustnotsayso。Itistreason，evenfromyou。
[Hesinks，discouraged，intothechair，andcovershisfacewithhishand。]
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Donotdeceiveyourself，General:neveragainwillaPanjandrumreigninBeotia。[Shewalksslowlyacrosstheroom，broodingbitterly，andthinkingaloud。]Wearesodecayed，sooutofdate，sofeeble，sowickedinourowndespite，thatwehavecomeatlasttowillourowndestruction。
STRAMMFEST。Youareutteringblasphemy。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Allgreattruthsbeginasblasphemies。Alltheking’shorsesandalltheking’smencannotsetupmyfather’sthroneagain。Iftheycould，youwouldhavedoneit，wouldyounot？
STRAMMFEST。GodknowsIwould！
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Youreallymeanthat？Youwouldkeepthepeopleintheirhopelesssqualidmisery？youwouldfillthoseinfamousprisonsagainwiththenoblestspiritsintheland？youwouldthrusttherisingsunoflibertybackintotheseaofbloodfromwhichithasrisen？Andallbecausetherewasinthemiddleofthedirtanduglinessandhorroralittlepatchofcourtsplendorinwhichyoucouldstandwithafewordersonyouruniform，andyawndayafterdayandnightafternightinunspeakableboredomuntilyourgraveyawnedwiderstill，andyoufellintoitbecauseyouhadnothingbettertodo。Howcanyoubesostupid，soheartless？
STRAMMFEST。Youmustbemadtothinkofroyaltyinsuchaway。I
neveryawnedatcourt。Thedogsyawned;butthatwasbecausetheyweredogs:theyhadnoimagination，noideals，nosenseofhonoranddignitytosustainthem。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。MypoorStrammfest:youwerenotoftenenoughatcourttotireofit。Youweremostlysoldiering;andwhenyoucamehometohaveaneworderpinnedonyourbreast，yourhappinesscamethroughlookingatmyfatherandmotherandatme，andadoringus。Wasthatnotso？
STRAMMFEST。DoYOUreproachmewithit？Iamnotashamedofit。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Oh，itwasallverywellforyou，Strammfest。
Butthinkofme，ofme！standingthereforyoutogapeat，andknowingthatIwasnogoddess，butonlyagirllikeanyothergirl！Itwascrueltytoanimals:youcouldhavestuckupawaxdolloragoldencalftoworship;itwouldnothavebeenbored。
STRAMMFEST。Stop;orIshallrenouncemyallegiancetoyou。I
havehadwomenfloggedforsuchseditiouschatterasthis。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Donotprovokemetosendabulletthroughyourheadforremindingmeofit。
STRAMMFEST。Youalwayshadlowtastes。YouarenotruedaughterofthePanjandrums:youareachangeling，thrustintothePanjandrina’sbedbysomeprofligatenurse。Ihaveheardstoriesofyourchildhood:ofhow——
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Ha，ha！Yes:theytookmetothecircuswhenI
wasachild。Itwasmyfirstmomentofhappiness，myfirstglimpseofheaven。Iranawayandjoinedthetroupe。Theycaughtmeanddraggedmebacktomygildedcage;butIhadtastedfreedom;andtheynevercouldmakemeforgetit。
STRAMMFEST。Freedom！Tobetheslaveofanacrobat！tobeexhibitedtothepublic！to——
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Oh，Iwastrainedtothat。Ihadlearntthatpartofthebusinessatcourt。
STRAMMFEST。Youhadnotbeentaughttostripyourselfhalfnakedandturnheadoverheels——
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Man，IWANTEDtogetridofmyswaddlingclothesandturnheadoverheels。Iwantedto，Iwantedto，I
wantedto。Icandoitstill。ShallIdoitnow？
STRAMMFEST。Ifyoudo，IswearIwillthrowmyselffromthewindowsothatImaymeetyourparentsinheavenwithouthavingmymedalstornfrommybreastbythem。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Oh，youareincorrigible。Youaremad，infatuated。Youwillnotbelievethatweroyaldivinitiesaremerecommonfleshandbloodevenwhenwestepdownfromourpedestalsandtellyouourselveswhatafoolyouare。Iwillarguenomorewithyou:Iwillusemypower。Atawordfrommeyourmenwillturnagainstyou:alreadyhalfofthemdonotsaluteyou;andyoudarenotpunishthem:youhavetopretendnottonoticeit。
STRAMMFEST。Itisnotforyoutotauntmewiththatifitisso。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。[haughtily]。Taunt！Icondescendtotaunt！TotauntacommonGeneral！Youforgetyourself，sir。
STRAMMFEST[droppingonhiskneesubmissively]。Nowatlastyouspeaklikeyourroyalself。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Oh，Strammfest，Strammfest，theyhavedrivenyourslaveryintoyourverybones。Whydidyounotspitinmyface？。
STRAMMFEST[risingwithashudder]。Godforbid！
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Well，sinceyouwillbemyslave，takeyourordersfromme。Ihavenotcomeheretosaveourwretchedfamilyandourbloodstainedcrown。IamcometosavetheRevolution。
STRAMMFEST。StupidasIam，IhavecometothinkthatIhadbettersavethatthansavenothing。ButwhatwilltheRevolutiondoforthepeople？Donotbedeceivedbythefinespeechesoftherevolutionaryleadersandthepamphletsoftherevolutionarywriters。Howmuchlibertyistherewheretheyhavegainedtheupperhand？Aretheynothanging，shooting，imprisoningasmuchaseverwedid？Dotheyevertellthepeoplethetruth？No:ifthetruthdoesnotsuitthemtheyspreadliesinstead，andmakeitacrimetotellthetruth。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Ofcoursetheydo。Whyshouldtheynot？
STRAMMFEST[hardlyabletobelievehisears]。Whyshouldtheynot？
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Yes:whyshouldtheynot？Wedidit。Youdidit，whipinhand:youfloggedwomenforteachingchildrentoread。
STRAMMFEST。Toreadsedition。ToreadKarlMarx。
THPGRANDDUCHESS。Pshaw！HowcouldtheylearntoreadtheBiblewithoutlearningtoreadKarlMarx？Whydoyounotstandtoyourgunsandjustifywhatyoudid，insteadofmakingsillyexcuses？
DoyousupposeIthinkfloggingawomanworsethanfloggingaman？I，whoamawomanmyself！
STRAMMFEST。IamatalosstounderstandyourImperialHighness。
Youseemtometocontradictyourself。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Nonsense！Isaythatifthepeoplecannotgovernthemselves，theymustbegovernedbysomebody。Iftheywillnotdotheirdutywithoutbeinghalfforcedandhalfhumbugged，somebodymustforcethemandhumbugthem。Someenergeticandcapableminoritymustalwaysbeinpower。Well，I
amonthesideoftheenergeticminoritywhoseprinciplesIagreewith。TheRevolutionisascruelaswewere;butitsaimsaremyaims。ThereforeIstandfortheRevolution。
STRAMMFEST。Youdonotknowwhatyouaresaying。ThisispureBolshevism。Areyou，thedaughterofaPanjandrum，aBolshevist？
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Iamanythingthatwillmaketheworldlesslikeaprisonandmorelikeacircus。
STRAMMFEST。Ah！Youstillwanttobeacircusstar。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Yes，andbebilledastheBolshevikEmpress。
Nothingshallstopme。Youhaveyourorders，GeneralStrammfest:
savetheRevolution。
STRAMMFEST。WhatRevolution？WhichRevolution？NotwoofyourrabbleofrevolutionistsmeanthesamethingbytheRevolutionWhatcansaveamobinwhicheverymanisrushinginadifferentdirection？
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Iwilltellyou。Thewarcansaveit。
STRAMMFEST。Thewar？
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Yes，thewar。Onlyagreatcommondangerandagreatcommondutycanuniteusandweldthesewranglingfactionsintoasolidcommonwealth。
STRAMMFEST。Bravo！Warsetseverythingright:Ihavealwayssaidso。Butwhatisaunitedpeoplewithoutaunitedarmy？AndwhatcanIdo？Iamonlyasoldier。Icannotmakespeeches:Ihavewonnovictories:theywillnotrallytomycall[againhesinksintohischairwithhisformergestureofdiscouragement]。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Areyousuretheywillnotrallytomine？
STRAMMFEST。Oh，ifonlyyouwereamanandasoldier！
THEGRANDDUCHESS。SupposeIfindyouamanandasoldier？
STRAMMFEST[risinginafury]。Ah！thescoundrelyouelopedwith！
Youthinkyouwillshovethisfellowintoanarmycommand，overmyhead。Never。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Youpromisedeverything。Yousworeanything。
[Shemarchesasifinfrontofaregiment。]Iknowthatthismanalonecanrousethearmytoenthusiasm。
STRAMMFEST。Delusion！Folly！Heissomecircusacrobat;andyouareinlovewithhim。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。IswearIamnotinlovewithhim。IswearI
willnevermarryhim。
STRAMMFEST。Thenwhoishe？
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Anybodyintheworldbutyouwouldhaveguessedlongago。Heisunderyourveryeyes。
STRAMMFEST[staringpastherrightandleft]。Where？
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Lookoutofthewindow。
Herushestothewindow，lookingfortheofficer。TheGrandDuchesstakesoffhercloakandappearsintheuniformofthePanderobajenskyHussars。
STRAMMFEST[peeringthroughthewindow]。Whereishe？Icanseenoone。
THEGRANDDUCHESS。Here，silly。
STRAMMFEST[turning]。You！GreatHeavens！TheBolshevikEmpress！
