`AsforLoerke，thereisathousandtimesmoreinhimthaninaGerald。
Geraldissolimited，thereisadeadendtohim。Hewouldgrindonattheoldmillsforever。Andreally，thereisnocornbetweenthemillstonesanymore。Theygrindonandon，whenthereisnothingtogrind——sayingthesamethings，believingthesamethings，actingthesamethings。Oh，myGod，itwouldwearoutthepatienceofastone。
`Idon\'tworshipLoerke，butatanyrate，heisafreeindividual。Heisnotstiffwithconceitofhisownmaleness。Heisnotgrindingdutifullyattheoldmills。OhGod，whenIthinkofGerald，andhiswork——thoseofficesatBeldover，andthemines——itmakesmyheartsick。WhathaveItodowithit——andhimthinkinghecanbealovertoawoman！Onemightaswellaskitofaself—satisfiedlamp—post。Thesemen，withtheireternaljobs——andtheireternalmillsofGodthatkeepongrindingatnothing！
Itistooboring，justboring。HoweverdidIcometotakehimseriouslyatall！
`AtleastinDresden，onewillhaveone\'sbacktoitall。Andtherewillbeamusingthingstodo。Itwillbeamusingtogototheseeurythmicdisplays，andtheGermanopera，theGermantheatre。ItwillbeamusingtotakepartinGermanBohemianlife。AndLoerkeisanartist，heisafreeindividual。Onewillescapefromsomuch，thatisthechiefthing，escapesomuchhideousboringrepetitionofvulgaractions，vulgarphrases，vulgarpostures。Idon\'tdeludemyselfthatIshallfindanelixiroflifeinDresden。IknowIshan\'t。ButIshallgetawayfrompeoplewhohavetheirownhomesandtheirownchildrenandtheirownacquaintancesandtheirownthisandtheirownthat。Ishallbeamongpeoplewhodon\'townthingsandwhohaven\'tgotahomeandadomesticservantinthebackground，whohaven\'tgotastandingandastatusandadegreeandacircleoffriendsofthesame。OhGod，thewheelswithinwheelsofpeople，itmakesone\'sheadticklikeaclock，withaverymadnessofdeadmechanicalmonotonyandmeaninglessness。HowIhatelife，howIhateit。HowIhatetheGeralds，thattheycanofferonenothingelse。
`Shortlands！——Heavens！Thinkoflivingthere，oneweek，thenthenext，andthenthethird——
`No，Iwon\'tthinkofit——itistoomuch。\'
Andshebrokeoff，reallyterrified，reallyunabletobearanymore。
Thethoughtofthemechanicalsuccessionofdayfollowingday，dayfollowingday，adinfinitum，wasoneofthethingsthatmadeherheartpalpitatewitharealapproachofmadness。Theterriblebondageofthistick—tackoftime，thistwitchingofthehandsoftheclock，thiseternalrepetitionofhoursanddays——ohGod，itwastooawfultocontemplate。Andtherewasnoescapefromit，noescape。
ShealmostwishedGeraldwerewithhertosaveherfromtheterrorofherownthoughts。Oh，howshesuffered，lyingtherealone，confrontedbytheterribleclock，withitseternaltick—tack。Alllife，allliferesolveditselfintothis:tick—tack，tick—tack，tick—tack;thenthestrikingofthehour;thenthetick—tack，tick—tack，andthetwitchingoftheclock—fingers。
Geraldcouldnotsaveherfromit。He，hisbody，hismotion，hislife——itwasthesameticking，thesametwitchingacrossthedial，ahorriblemechanicaltwitchingforwardoverthefaceofthehours。Whatwerehiskisses，hisembraces。Shecouldheartheirtick—tack，tick—tack。
Ha——ha——shelaughedtoherself，sofrightenedthatshewastryingtolaughitoff——ha——ha，howmaddeningitwas，tobesure，tobesure！
Then，withafleetingself—consciousmotion，shewonderedifshewouldbeverymuchsurprised，onrisinginthemorning，torealisethatherhairhadturnedwhite。Shehadfeltitturningwhitesooften，undertheintolerableburdenofherthoughts，undhersensations。Yetthereitremained，brownasever，andthereshewasherself，lookingapictureofhealth。
Perhapsshewashealthy。Perhapsitwasonlyherunabateablehealththatlefthersoexposedtothetruth。Ifsheweresicklyshewouldhaveherillusions，imaginations。Asitwas，therewasnoescape。Shemustalwaysseeandknowandneverescape。Shecouldneverescape。Thereshewas，placedbeforetheclock—faceoflife。Andifsheturnedroundasinarailwaystation，tolookatthebookstall，stillshecouldsee，withherveryspine，shecouldseetheclock，alwaysthegreatwhiteclock—face。Invainsheflutteredtheleavesofbooks，ormadestatuettesinclay。Sheknewshewasnotreallyreading。Shewasnotreallyworking。Shewaswatchingthefingerstwitchacrosstheeternal，mechanical，monotonousclock—faceoftime。Sheneverreallylived，sheonlywatched。Indeed，shewaslikealittle，twelve—hourclock，vis—a—viswiththeenormousclockofeternity——thereshewas，likeDignityandImpudence，orImpudenceandDignity。
Thepicturepleasedher。Didn\'therfacereallylooklikeaclockdial——ratherroundishandoftenpale，andimpassive。Shewouldhavegotuptolook，inthemirror，butthethoughtofthesightofherownface，thatwaslikeatwelve—hourclock—dial，filledherwithsuchdeepterror，thatshehastenedtothinkofsomethingelse。
Oh，whywasn\'tsomebodykindtoher？Whywasn\'ttheresomebodywhowouldtakeherintheirarms，andholdhertotheirbreast，andgiveherrest，pure，deep，healingrest。Oh，whywasn\'ttheresomebodytotakeherintheirarmsandfoldhersafeandperfect，forsleep。Shewantedsomuchthisperfectenfoldedsleep。Shelayalwayssounsheathedinsleep。Shewouldliealwaysunsheathedinsleep，unrelieved，unsaved。Oh，howcouldshebearit，thisendlessunrelief，thiseternalunrelief。
Gerald！Couldhefoldherinhisarmsandsheatheherinsleep？Ha！
Heneededputtingtosleephimself——poorGerald。Thatwasallheneeded。
Whatdidhedo，hemadetheburdenforhergreater，theburdenofhersleepwasthemoreintolerable，whenhewasthere。Hewasanaddedwearinessuponherunripeningnights，herunfruitfulslumbers。Perhapshegotsomereposefromher。Perhapshedid。Perhapsthiswaswhathewasalwaysdoggingherfor，likeachildthatisfamished，cryingforthebreast。Perhapsthiswasthesecretofhispassion，hisforeverunquencheddesireforher——thatheneededhertoputhimtosleep，togivehimrepose。
Whatthen！Wasshehismother？Hadsheaskedforachild，whomshemustnursethroughthenights，forherlover。Shedespisedhim，shedespisedhim，shehardenedherheart。Aninfantcryinginthenight，thisDonJuan。
Ooh，buthowshehatedtheinfantcryinginthenight。Shewouldmurderitgladly。Shewouldstifleitandburyit，asHettySorrelldid。NodoubtHettySorrell\'sinfantcriedinthenight——nodoubtArthurDonnithorne\'sinfantwould。Ha——theArthurDonnithornes，theGeraldsofthisworld。
Somanlybyday，yetallthewhile，suchacryingofinfantsinthenight。
Letthemturnintomechanisms，letthem。Letthembecomeinstruments，puremachines，purewills，thatworklikeclock—work，inperpetualrepetition。
Letthembethis，letthembetakenupentirelyintheirwork，letthembeperfectpartsofagreatmachine，havingaslumberofconstantrepetition。
LetGeraldmanagehisfirm。Therehewouldbesatisfied，assatisfiedasawheelbarrowthatgoesbackwardsandforwardsalongaplankallday——
shehadseenit。
Thewheel—barrow——theonehumblewheel——theunitofthefirm。Thenthecart，withtwowheels;thenthetruck，withfour;thenthedonkey—engine，witheight，thenthewinding—engine，withsixteen，andsoon，tillitcametotheminer，withathousandwheels，andthentheelectrician，withthreethousand，andtheundergroundmanager，withtwentythousand，andthegeneralmanagerwithahundredthousandlittlewheelsworkingawaytocompletehismake—up，andthenGerald，withamillionwheelsandcogsandaxles。
PoorGerald，suchalotoflittlewheelstohismake—up！Hewasmoreintricatethanachronometer—watch。Butohheavens，whatweariness！Whatweariness，Godabove！Achronometer—watch——abeetle——hersoulfaintedwithutterennui，fromthethought。Somanywheelstocountandconsiderandcalculate！Enough，enough——therewasanendtoman\'scapacityforcomplications，even。Orperhapstherewasnoend。
MeanwhileGeraldsatinhisroom，reading。WhenGudrunwasgone，hewasleftstupefiedwitharresteddesire。Hesatonthesideofthebedforanhour，stupefied，littlestrandsofconsciousnessappearingandreappearing。
Buthedidnotmove，foralongtimeheremainedinert，hisheaddroppedonhisbreast。
Thenhelookedupandrealisedthathewasgoingtobed。Hewascold。
Soonhewaslyingdowninthedark。
Butwhathecouldnotbearwasthedarkness。Thesoliddarknessconfrontinghimdrovehimmad。Soherose，andmadealight。Heremainedseatedforawhile，staringinfront。HedidnotthinkofGudrun，hedidnotthinkofanything。
Thensuddenlyhewentdownstairsforabook。Hehadallhislifebeeninterrorofthenightsthatshouldcome，whenhecouldnotsleep。Heknewthatthiswouldbetoomuchforhim，tohavetofacenightsofsleeplessnessandofhorrifiedwatchingthehours。
Sohesatforhoursinbed，likeastatue，reading。Hismind，hardandacute，readonrapidly，hisbodyunderstoodnothing。Inastateofrigidunconsciousness，hereadonthroughthenight，tillmorning，when，wearyanddisgustedinspirit，disgustedmostofallwithhimself，hesleptfortwohours。
Thenhegotup，hardandfullofenergy。Gudrunscarcelyspoketohim，exceptatcoffeewhenshesaid:
`Ishallbeleavingtomorrow。\'
`WewillgotogetherasfarasInnsbruck，forappearance\'ssake？\'heasked。
`Perhaps，\'shesaid。
Shesaid`Perhaps\'betweenthesipsofhercoffee。Andthesoundofhertakingherbreathintheword，wasnauseoustohim。Herosequicklytobeawayfromher。
Hewentandmadearrangementsforthedepartureonthemorrow。Then，takingsomefood，hesetoutforthedayontheskis。Perhaps，hesaidtotheWirt，hewouldgouptotheMarienhutte，perhapstothevillagebelow。
ToGudrunthisdaywasfullofapromiselikespring。Shefeltanapproachingrelease，anewfountainofliferisingupinher。Itgaveherpleasuretodawdlethroughherpacking，itgaveherpleasuretodipintobooks，totryonherdifferentgarments，tolookatherselfintheglass。Shefeltanewleaseoflifewascomeuponher，andshewashappylikeachild，veryattractiveandbeautifultoeverybody，withhersoft，luxuriantfigure，andherhappiness。Yetunderneathwasdeathitself。
IntheafternoonshehadtogooutwithLoerke。Hertomorrowwasperfectlyvaguebeforeher。Thiswaswhatgaveherpleasure。ShemightbegoingtoEnglandwithGerald，shemightbegoingtoDresdenwithLoerke，shemightbegoingtoMunich，toagirl—friendshehadthere。Anythingmightcometopassonthemorrow。Andtodaywasthewhite，snowyiridescentthresholdofallpossibility。Allpossibility——thatwasthecharmtoher，thelovely，iridescent，indefinitecharm，——pureillusionAllpossibility——becausedeathwasinevitable，andnothingwaspossiblebutdeath。
Shedidnotwantthingstomaterialise，totakeanydefiniteshape。
Shewanted，suddenly，atonemomentofthejourneytomorrow，tobewaftedintoanutterlynewcourse，bysomeutterlyunforeseenevent，ormotion。
Sothat，althoughshewantedtogooutwithLoerkeforthelasttimeintothesnow，shedidnotwanttobeseriousorbusinesslike。
AndLoerkewasnotaseriousfigure。Inhisbrownvelvetcap，thatmadehisheadasroundasachestnut，withthebrown—velvetflapslooseandwildoverhisears，andawispofelf—like，thinblackhairblowingabovehisfull，elf—likedarkeyes，theshiny，transparentbrownskincrinklingupintooddgrimacesonhissmall—featuredface，helookedanoddlittleboy—man，abat。Butinhisfigure，inthegreenylodensuit，helookedchetifandpuny，stillstrangelydifferentfromtherest。
Hehadtakenalittletoboggan，forthetwoofthem，andtheytrudgedbetweentheblindingslopesofsnow，thatburnedtheirnowhardeningfaces，laughinginanendlesssequenceofquipsandjestsandpolyglotfancies。
Thefanciesweretherealitytobothofthem，theywerebothsohappy，tossingaboutthelittlecolouredballsofverbalhumourandwhimsicality。
Theirnaturesseemedtosparkleinfullinterplay，theywereenjoyingapuregame。Andtheywantedtokeepitonthelevelofagame，theirrelationship:suchafinegame。
Loerkedidnottakethetoboganningveryseriously。Heputnofireandintensityintoit，asGeralddid。WhichpleasedGudrun。Shewasweary，ohsowearyofGerald\'sgrippedintensityofphysicalmotion。Loerkeletthesledgegowildly，andgaily，likeaflyingleaf，andwhen，atabend，hepitchedbothherandhimoutintothesnow，heonlywaitedforthembothtopickthemselvesupunhurtoffthekeenwhiteground，tobelaughingandpertasapixie。Sheknewhewouldbemakingironical，playfulremarksashewanderedinhell——ifhewereinthehumour。Andthatpleasedherimmensely。Itseemedlikearisingabovethedrearinessofactuality，themonotonyofcontingencies。
Theyplayedtillthesunwentdown，inpureamusement，carelessandtimeless。Then，asthelittlesledgetwirledriskilytorestatthebottomoftheslope，`Wait！\'hesaidsuddenly，andheproducedfromsomewherealargethermosflask，apacketofKeks，andabottleofSchnapps。
`OhLoerke，\'shecried。`Whataninspiration！Whatacombledejoieindeed！WhatistheSchnapps？\'
Helookedatit，andlaughed。
`Heidelbeer！\'hesaid。
`No！Fromthebilberriesunderthesnow。Doesn\'titlookasifitweredistilledfromsnow。Canyou——\'shesniffed，andsniffedatthebottle——`canyousmellbilberries？Isn\'titwonderful？Itisexactlyasifonecouldsmellthemthroughthesnow。\'
Shestampedherfootlightlyontheground。Hekneeleddownandwhistled，andputhiseartothesnow。Ashedidsohisblackeyestwinkledup。
`Ha！Ha！\'shelaughed，warmedbythewhimsicalwayinwhichhemockedatherverbalextravagances。Hewasalwaysteasingher，mockingherways。
Butasheinhismockerywasevenmoreabsurdthansheinherextravagances，whatcouldonedobutlaughandfeelliberated。
Shecouldfeeltheirvoices，hersandhis，ringingsilverylikebellsinthefrozen，motionlessairofthefirsttwilight。Howperfectitwas，howveryperfectitwas，thissilveryisolationandinterplay。
Shesippedthehotcoffee，whosefragranceflewaroundthemlikebeesmurmuringaroundflowers，inthesnowyair，shedranktinysipsoftheHeidelbeerwasser，sheatethecold，sweet，creamywafers。Howgoodeverythingwas！Howperfecteverythingtastedandsmelledandsounded，hereinthisutterstillnessofsnowandfallingtwilight。
`Youaregoingawaytomorrow？\'hisvoicecameatlast。
`Yes。\'
Therewasapause，whentheeveningseemedtoriseinitssilent，ringingpallorinfinitelyhigh，totheinfinitewhichwasnearathand。
`Wohin？\'
Thatwasthequestion——wohin？Whither？Wohin？Whatalovelyword！Sheneverwanteditanswered。Letitchimeforever。
`Idon\'tknow，\'shesaid，smilingathim。
Hecaughtthesmilefromher。
`Oneneverdoes，\'hesaid。
`Oneneverdoes，\'sherepeated。
Therewasasilence，whereinheatebiscuitsrapidly，asarabbiteatsleaves。
`But，\'helaughed，`wherewillyoutakeaticketto？\'
`Ohheaven！\'shecried。`Onemusttakeaticket。\'
Herewasablow。Shesawherselfatthewicket，attherailwaystation。
Thenarelievingthoughtcametoher。Shebreathedfreely。
`Butoneneedn\'tgo，\'shecried。
`Certainlynot，\'hesaid。
`Imeanoneneedn\'tgowhereone\'sticketsays。\'
Thatstruckhim。Onemighttakeaticket，soasnottotraveltothedestinationitindicated。Onemightbreakoff，andavoidthedestination。
Apointlocated。Thatwasanidea！
`ThentakeatickettoLondon，\'hesaid。`Oneshouldnevergothere。\'
`Right，\'sheanswered。
Hepouredalittlecoffeeintoatincan。
`Youwon\'ttellmewhereyouwillgo？\'heasked。
`Reallyandtruly，\'shesaid，`Idon\'tknow。Itdependswhichwaythewindblows。\'
Helookedatherquizzically，thenhepurseduphislips，likeZephyrus，blowingacrossthesnow。
`ItgoestowardsGermany，\'hesaid。
`Ibelieveso，\'shelaughed。
Suddenly，theywereawareofavaguewhitefigurenearthem。ItwasGerald。Gudrun\'sheartleaptinsuddenterror，profoundterror。Sherosetoherfeet。
`Theytoldmewhereyouwere，\'cameGerald\'svoice，likeajudgmentinthewhitishairoftwilight。
`Maria！Youcomelikeaghost，\'exclaimedLoerke。
Geralddidnotanswer。Hispresencewasunnaturalandghostlytothem。
Loerkeshooktheflask——thenhehelditinvertedoverthesnow。Onlyafewbrowndropstrickledout。
`Allgone！\'hesaid。
ToGerald，thesmallish，oddfigureoftheGermanwasdistinctandobjective，asifseenthroughfieldglasses。Andhedislikedthesmallfigureexceedingly，hewanteditremoved。
ThenLoerkerattledtheboxwhichheldthebiscuits。
`Biscuitstherearestill，\'hesaid。
Andreachingfromhisseatedpostureinthesledge，hehandedthemtoGudrun。Shefumbled，andtookone。HewouldhaveheldthemtoGerald，butGeraldsodefinitelydidnotwanttobeofferedabiscuit，thatLoerke，rathervaguely，puttheboxaside。Thenhetookupthesmallbottle，andheldittothelight。
`AlsothereissomeSchnapps，\'hesaidtohimself。
Thensuddenly，heelevatedthebattlegallantlyintheair，astrange，grotesquefigureleaningtowardsGudrun，andsaid:
`GnadigesFraulein，\'hesaid，`wohl——\'
Therewasacrack，thebottlewasflying，Loerkehadstartedback，thethreestoodquiveringinviolentemotion。
LoerketurnedtoGerald，adevilishleeronhisbright—skinnedface。
`Welldone！\'hesaid，inasatiricaldemoniacfrenzy。`C\'estlesport，sansdoute。\'
Thenextinstanthewassittingludicrouslyinthesnow，Gerald\'sfisthavingrungagainstthesideofhishead。ButLoerkepulledhimselftogether，rose，quivering，lookingfullatGerald，hisbodyweakandfurtive，buthiseyesdemoniacalwithsatire。
`Viveleheros，vive——\'
Butheflinched，as，inablackflashGerald\'sfistcameuponhim，bangedintotheothersideofhishead，andsenthimasidelikeabrokenstraw。
ButGudrunmovedforward。Sheraisedherclenchedhandhigh，andbroughtitdown，withagreatdownwardstrokeontothefaceandontothebreastofGerald。
Agreatastonishmentburstuponhim，asiftheairhadbroken。Wide，widehissoulopened，inwonder，feelingthepain。Thenitlaughed，turning，withstronghandsoutstretched，atlasttotaketheappleofhisdesire。
Atlasthecouldfinishhisdesire。
HetookthethroatofGudrunbetweenhishands，thatwerehardandindomitablypowerful。Andherthroatwasbeautifully，sobeautifullysoft，savethat，within，hecouldfeeltheslipperychordsofherlife。Andthishecrushed，thishecouldcrush。Whatbliss！Ohwhatbliss，atlast，whatsatisfaction，atlast！Thepurezestofsatisfactionfilledhissoul。Hewaswatchingtheunconsciousnesscomeuntoherswollenface，watchingtheeyesrollback。Howuglyshewas！Whatafulfilment，whatasatisfaction！Howgoodthiswas，ohhowgooditwas，whataGod—givengratification，atlast！
Hewasunconsciousofherfightingandstruggling。Thestrugglingwasherreciprocallustfulpassioninthisembrace，themoreviolentitbecame，thegreaterthefrenzyofdelight，tillthezenithwasreached，thecrisis，thestrugglewasoverborne，hermovementbecamesofter，appeased。
Loerkerousedhimselfonthesnow，toodazedandhurttogetup。Onlyhiseyeswereconscious。
`Monsieur！\'hesaid，inhisthin，rousedvoice:`Quandvousaurezfini——\'
ArevulsionofcontemptanddisgustcameoverGerald\'ssoul。Thedisgustwenttotheverybottomofhim，anausea。Ah，whatwashedoing，towhatdepthswashelettinghimselfgo！Asifhecaredaboutherenoughtokillher，tohaveherlifeonhishands！
Aweaknessranoverhisbody，aterriblerelaxing，athaw，adecayofstrength。Withoutknowing，hehadletgohisgrip，andGudrunhadfallentoherknees。Musthesee，mustheknow？
Afearfulweaknesspossessedhim，hisjointswereturnedtowater。Hedrifted，asonawind，veered，andwentdriftingaway。
`Ididn\'twantit，really，\'wasthelastconfessionofdisgustinhissoul，ashedrifteduptheslope，weak，finished，onlysheeringoffunconsciouslyfromanyfurthercontact。`I\'vehadenough——Iwanttogotosleep。I\'vehadenough。\'Hewassunkunderasenseofnausea。
Hewasweak，buthedidnotwanttorest，hewantedtogoonandon，totheend。Neveragaintostay，tillhecametotheend，thatwasallthedesirethatremainedtohim。Sohedriftedonandon，unconsciousandweak，notthinkingofanything，solongashecouldkeepinaction。
Thetwilightspreadaweird，unearthlylightoverhead，bluish—roseincolour，thecoldbluenightsankonthesnow。Inthevalleybelow，behind，inthegreatbedofsnow，weretwosmallfigures:Gudrundroppedonherknees，likeoneexecuted，andLoerkesittingproppedupnearher。Thatwasall。
Geraldstumbledonuptheslopeofsnow，inthebluishdarkness，alwaysclimbing，alwaysunconsciouslyclimbing，wearythoughhewas。Onhisleftwasasteepslopewithblackrocksandfallenmassesofrockandveinsofsnowslashinginandabouttheblacknessofrock，veinsofsnowslashingvaguelyinandabouttheblacknessofrock。Yettherewasnosound，allthismadenonoise。
Toaddtohisdifficulty，asmallbrightmoonshonebrilliantlyjustahead，ontheright，apainfulbrilliantthingthatwasalwaysthere，unremitting，fromwhichtherewasnoescape。Hewantedsotocometotheend——hehadhadenough。Yethedidnotsleep。
Hesurgedpainfullyup，sometimeshavingtocrossaslopeofblackrock，thatwasblownbareofsnow。Herehewasafraidoffalling，verymuchafraidoffalling。Andhighuphere，onthecrest，movedawindthatalmostoverpoweredhimwithasleep—heavyiciness。Onlyitwasnothere，theend，andhemuststillgoon。Hisindefinitenauseawouldnotlethimstay。
Havinggainedoneridge，hesawthevagueshadowofsomethinghigherinfront。Alwayshigher，alwayshigher。Heknewhewasfollowingthetracktowardsthesummitoftheslopes，wherewasthemarienhutte，andthedescentontheotherside。Buthewasnotreallyconscious。Heonlywantedtogoon，togoonwhilsthecould，tomove，tokeepgoing，thatwasall，tokeepgoing，untilitwasfinished。Hehadlostallhissenseofplace。
Andyetintheremaininginstinctoflife，hisfeetsoughtthetrackwheretheskishadgone。
Heslithereddownasheersnowslope。Thatfrightenedhim。Hehadnoalpenstock，nothing。Buthavingcomesafelytorest，hebegantowalkon，intheilluminateddarkness。Itwasascoldassleep。Hewasbetweentworidges，inahollow。Soheswerved。Shouldheclimbtheotherridge，orwanderalongthehollow？Howfrailthethreadofhisbeingwasstretched！
Hewouldperhapsclimbtheridge。Thesnowwasfirmandsimple。Hewentalong。Therewassomethingstandingoutofthesnow。Heapproached，withdimmestcuriosity。
Itwasahalf—buriedCrucifix，alittleChristunderalittleslopinghood，atthetopofapole。Hesheeredaway。Somebodywasgoingtomurderhim。Hehadagreatdreadofbeingmurdered。Butitwasadreadwhichstoodoutsidehim，likehisownghost。
Yetwhybeafraid？Itwasboundtohappen。Tobemurdered！Helookedroundinterroratthesnow，therocking，pale，shadowyslopesoftheupperworld。Hewasboundtobemurdered，hecouldseeit。Thiswasthemomentwhenthedeathwasuplifted，andtherewasnoescape。
LordJesus，wasitthenboundtobe——LordJesus！Hecouldfeeltheblowdescending，heknewhewasmurdered。Vaguelywanderingforward，hishandsliftedasiftofeelwhatwouldhappen，hewaswaitingforthemomentwhenhewouldstop，whenitwouldcease。Itwasnotoveryet。
Hehadcometothehollowbasinofsnow，surroundedbysheerslopesandprecipices，outofwhichroseatrackthatbroughtonetothetopofthemountain。Buthewanderedunconsciously，tillheslippedandfelldown，andashefellsomethingbrokeinhissoul，andimmediatelyhewenttosleep。
WomenInLove:Chapter31CHAPTERXXXIExeuntWHENTHEYbroughtthebodyhome，thenextmorning，Gudrunwasshutupinherroom。Fromherwindowshesawmencomingalongwithaburden，overthesnow。Shesatstillandlettheminutesgoby。
Therecameatapatherdoor。Sheopened。Therestoodawoman，sayingsoftly，oh，fartooreverently:
`Theyhavefoundhim，madam！\'
`Ilestmort？\'
`Yes——hoursago。\'
Gudrundidnotknowwhattosay。Whatshouldshesay？Whatshouldshefeel？Whatshouldshedo？Whatdidtheyexpectofher？Shewascoldlyataloss。
`Thankyou，\'shesaid，andsheshutthedoorofherroom。Thewomanwentawaymortified。Notaword，notatear——ha！Gudrunwascold，acoldwoman。
Gudrunsatoninherroom，herfacepaleandimpassive。Whatwasshetodo？Shecouldnotweepandmakeascene。Shecouldnotalterherself。
Shesatmotionless，hidingfrompeople。Heronemotivewastoavoidactualcontactwithevents。SheonlywroteoutalongtelegramtoUrsulaandBirkin。
Intheafternoon，however，sherosesuddenlytolookforLoerke。SheglancedwithapprehensionatthedooroftheroomthathadbeenGerald\'s。
Notforworldswouldsheenterthere。
ShefoundLoerkesittingaloneinthelounge。Shewentstraightuptohim。
`Itisn\'ttrue，isit？\'shesaid。
Helookedupather。Asmallsmileofmiserytwistedhisface。Heshruggedhisshoulders。
`True？\'heechoed。
`Wehaven\'tkilledhim？\'sheasked。
Hedislikedhercomingtohiminsuchamanner。Heraisedhisshoulderswearily。
`Ithashappened，\'hesaid。
Shelookedathim。Hesatcrushedandfrustratedforthetimebeing，quiteasemotionlessandbarrenasherself。MyGod！thiswasabarrentragedy，barren，barren。
ShereturnedtoherroomtowaitforUrsulaandBirkin。Shewantedtogetaway，onlytogetaway。Shecouldnotthinkorfeeluntilshehadgotaway，tillshewasloosedfromthisposition。
Thedaypassed，thenextdaycame。Sheheardthesledge，sawUrsulaandBirkinalight，andsheshrankfromthesealso。
Ursulacamestraightuptoher。
`Gudrun！\'shecried，thetearsrunningdownhercheeks。Andshetookhersisterinherarms。GudrunhidherfaceonUrsula\'sshoulder，butstillshecouldnotescapethecolddevilofironythatfrozehersoul。
`Ha，ha！\'shethought，`thisistherightbehaviour。\'
Butshecouldnotweep，andthesightofhercold，pale，impassivefacesoonstoppedthefountainofUrsula\'stears。Inafewmoments，thesistershadnothingtosaytoeachother。
`Wasitveryviletobedraggedbackhereagain？\'Gudrunaskedatlength。
Ursulalookedupinsomebewilderment。
`Ineverthoughtofit，\'shesaid。
`Ifeltabeast，fetchingyou，\'saidGudrun。`ButIsimplycouldn\'tseepeople。Thatistoomuchforme。\'
`Yes，\'saidUrsula，chilled。
Birkintappedandentered。Hisfacewaswhiteandexpressionless。Sheknewheknew。Hegaveherhishand，saying:
`Theendofthistrip，atanyrate。\'
Gudrunglancedathim，afraid。
Therewassilencebetweenthethreeofthem，nothingtobesaid。AtlengthUrsulaaskedinasmallvoice:
`Haveyouseenhim？\'
HelookedbackatUrsulawithahard，coldlook，anddidnottroubletoanswer。
`Haveyouseenhim？\'sherepeated。
`Ihave，\'hesaid，coldly。
ThenhelookedatGudrun。
`Haveyoudoneanything？\'hesaid。
`Nothing，\'shereplied，`nothing。\'
Sheshrankincolddisgustfrommakinganystatement。
`LoerkesaysthatGeraldcametoyou，whenyouweresittingonthesledgeatthebottomoftheRudelbahn，thatyouhadwords，andGeraldwalkedaway。
Whatwerethewordsabout？Ihadbetterknow，sothatIcansatisfytheauthorities，ifnecessary。\'
Gudrunlookedupathim，white，childlike，mutewithtrouble。
`Thereweren\'tevenanywords，\'shesaid。`HeknockedLoerkedownandstunnedhim，hehalfstrangledme，thenhewentaway。\'
Toherselfshewassaying:
`Aprettylittlesampleoftheeternaltriangle！\'Andsheturnedironicallyaway，becausesheknewthatthefighthadbeenbetweenGeraldandherselfandthatthepresenceofthethirdpartywasamerecontingency——aninevitablecontingencyperhaps，butacontingencynonetheless。Butletthemhaveitasanexampleoftheeternaltriangle，thetrinityofhate。Itwouldbesimplerforthem。
Birkinwentaway，hismannercoldandabstracted。Butsheknewhewoulddothingsforher，nevertheless，hewouldseeherthrough。Shesmiledslightlytoherself，withcontempt。Lethimdothework，sincehewassoextremelygoodatlookingafterotherpeople。
BirkinwentagaintoGerald。Hehadlovedhim。Andyethefeltchieflydisgustattheinertbodylyingthere。Itwassoinert，socoldlydead，acarcase，Birkin\'sbowelsseemedtoturntoice。HehadtostandandlookatthefrozendeadbodythathadbeenGerald。
Itwasthefrozencarcaseofadeadmale。Birkinrememberedarabbitwhichhehadoncefoundfrozenlikeaboardonthesnow。Ithadbeenrigidlikeadriedboardwhenhepickeditup。AndnowthiswasGerald，stiffasaboard，curledupasifforsleep，yetwiththehorriblehardnesssomehowevident。Itfilledhimwithhorror。Theroommustbemadewarm，thebodymustbethawed。Thelimbswouldbreaklikeglassorlikewoodiftheyhadtobestraightened。
Hereachedandtouchedthedeadface。Andthesharp，heavybruiseoficebruisedhislivingbowels。Hewonderedifhehimselfwerefreezingtoo，freezingfromtheinside。Intheshortblondmoustachethelife—breathwasfrozenintoablockofice，beneaththesilentnostrils。AndthiswasGerald！
Againhetouchedthesharp，almostglitteringfairhairofthefrozenbody。Itwasicy—cold，hairicy—cold，almostvenomous。Birkin\'sheartbegantofreeze。HehadlovedGerald。Nowhelookedattheshapely，strange—colouredface，withthesmall，fine，pinchednoseandthemanlycheeks，sawitfrozenlikeanice—pebble——yethehadlovedit。Whatwasonetothinkorfeel？
Hisbrainwasbeginningtofreeze，hisbloodwasturningtoice—water。
Socold，socold，aheavy，bruisingcoldpressingonhisarmsfromoutside，andaheaviercoldcongealingwithinhim，inhisheartandinhisbowels。
Hewentoverthesnowslopes，toseewherethedeathhadbeen。Atlasthecametothegreatshallowamongtheprecipicesandslopes，nearthesummitofthepass。Itwasagreyday，thethirddayofgreynessandstillness。
Allwaswhite，icy，pallid，saveforthescoringofblackrocksthatjuttedlikerootssometimes，andsometimeswereinnakedfaces。Inthedistanceaslopesheereddownfromapeak，withmanyblackrock—slides。
Itwaslikeashallowpotlyingamongthestoneandsnowoftheupperworld。InthispotGeraldhadgonetosleep。Atthefarend，theguideshaddrivenironstakesdeepintothesnow—wall，sothat，bymeansofthegreatropeattached，theycouldhaulthemselvesupthemassivesnow—front，outontothejaggedsummitofthepass，nakedtoheaven，wheretheMarienhuttehidamongthenakedrocks。Roundabout，spiked，slashedsnow—peaksprickedtheheaven。
Geraldmighthavefoundthisrope。Hemighthavehauledhimselfuptothecrest。HemighthaveheardthedogsintheMarienhutte，andfoundshelter。
Hemighthavegoneon，downthesteep，steepfallofthesouth—side，downintothedarkvalleywithitspines，ontothegreatImperialroadleadingsouthtoItaly。
Hemight！Andwhatthen？TheImperialroad！Thesouth？Italy？Whatthen？
Wasitawayout？Itwasonlyawayinagain。Birkinstoodhighinthepainfulair，lookingatthepeaks，andthewaysouth。Wasitanygoodgoingsouth，toItaly？Downtheold，oldImperialroad？
Heturnedaway。Eithertheheartwouldbreak，orceasetocare。Bestceasetocare。Whateverthemysterywhichhasbroughtforthmanandtheuniverse，itisanon—humanmystery，ithasitsowngreatends，manisnotthecriterion。Bestleaveitalltothevast，creative，non—humanmystery。
Beststrivewithoneselfonly，notwiththeuniverse。
`Godcannotdowithoutman。\'ItwasasayingofsomegreatFrenchreligiousteacher。Butsurelythisisfalse。Godcandowithoutman。Godcoulddowithouttheichthyosauriandthemastodon。Thesemonstersfailedcreativelytodevelop，soGod，thecreativemystery，dispensedwiththem。Inthesamewaythemysterycoulddispensewithman，shouldhetoofailcreativelytochangeanddevelop。Theeternalcreativemysterycoulddisposeofman，andreplacehimwithafinercreatedbeing。Justasthehorsehastakentheplaceofthemastodon。
ItwasveryconsolingtoBirkin，tothinkthis。Ifhumanityranintoaculdesacandexpendeditself，thetimelesscreativemysterywouldbringforthsomeotherbeing，finer，morewonderful，somenew，morelovelyrace，tocarryontheembodimentofcreation。Thegamewasneverup。Themysteryofcreationwasfathomless，infallible，inexhaustible，forever。Racescameandwent，speciespassedaway，butevernewspeciesarose，morelovely，orequallylovely，alwayssurpassingwonder。Thefountain—headwasincorruptibleandunsearchable。Ithadnolimits。Itcouldbringforthmiracles，createutternewracesandnewspecies，initsownhour，newformsofconsciousness，newformsofbody，newunitsofbeing。Tobemanwasasnothingcomparedtothepossibilitiesofthecreativemystery。Tohaveone\'spulsebeatingdirectfromthemystery，thiswasperfection，unutterablesatisfaction。Humanorinhumanmatterednothing。Theperfectpulsethrobbedwithindescribablebeing，miraculousunbornspecies。
BirkinwenthomeagaintoGerald。Hewentintotheroom，andsatdownonthebed。Dead，deadandcold！ImperialCaesardead，andturnedtoclayWouldstopaholetokeepthewindaway。
TherewasnoresponsefromthatwhichhadbeenGerald。Strange，congealed，icysubstance——nomore。Nomore！
Terriblyweary，Birkinwentaway，abouttheday\'sbusiness。Hediditallquietly，withoutbother。Torant，torave，tobetragic，tomakesituations——itwasalltoolate。Bestbequiet，andbearone\'ssoulinpatienceandinfullness。
Butwhenhewentinagain，atevening，tolookatGeraldbetweenthecandles，becauseofhisheart\'shunger，suddenlyhisheartcontracted，hisowncandleallbutfellfromhishand，as，withastrangewhimperingcry，thetearsbrokeout。Hesatdowninachair，shakenbyasuddenaccess。
Ursulawhohadfollowedhim，recoiledaghastfromhim，ashesatwithsunkenheadandbodyconvulsivelyshaken，makingastrange，horriblesoundoftears。
`Ididn\'twantittobelikethis——Ididn\'twantittobelikethis，\'
hecriedtohimself。UrsulacouldbutthinkoftheKaiser\'s:`Ichhabeasnichtgewollt。\'ShelookedalmostwithhorroronBirkin。
Suddenlyhewassilent。Buthesatwithhisheaddropped，tohidehisface。Thenfurtivelyhewipedhisfacewithhisfingers。Thensuddenlyheliftedhishead，andlookedstraightatUrsula，withdark，almostvengefuleyes。
`Heshouldhavelovedme，\'hesaid。`Iofferedhim。\'
She，afraid，white，withmutelipsanswered:
`Whatdifferencewouldithavemade！\'
`Itwould！\'hesaid。`Itwould。\'
Heforgother，andturnedtolookatGerald。Withheadoddlylifted，likeamanwhodrawshisheadbackfromaninsult，halfhaughtily，hewatchedthecold，mute，materialface。Ithadabluishcast。Itsentashaftlikeicethroughtheheartofthelivingman。Cold，mute，material！BirkinrememberedhowonceGeraldhadclutchedhishand，withawarm，momentaneousgripoffinallove。Foronesecond——thenletgoagain，letgoforever。Ifhehadkepttruetothatclasp，deathwouldnothavemattered。Thosewhodie，anddyingstillcanlove，stillbelieve，donotdie。Theylivestillinthebeloved。GeraldmightstillhavebeenlivinginthespiritwithBirkin，evenafterdeath。Hemighthavelivedwithhisfriend，afurtherlife。
Butnowhewasdead，likeclay，likebluish，corruptibleice。Birkinlookedatthepalefingers，theinertmass。Herememberedadeadstallionhehadseen:adeadmassofmaleness，repugnant。Herememberedalsothebeautifulfaceofonewhomhehadloved，andwhohaddiedstillhavingthefaithtoyieldtothemystery。Thatdeadfacewasbeautiful，noonecouldcallitcold，mute，material。Noonecouldrememberitwithoutgainingfaithinthemystery，withoutthesoul\'swarmingwithnew，deeplife—trust。
AndGerald！Thedenier！Helefttheheartcold，frozen，hardlyabletobeat。Gerald\'sfatherhadlookedwistful，tobreaktheheart:butnotthislastterriblelookofcold，muteMatter。Birkinwatchedandwatched。
Ursulastoodasidewatchingthelivingmanstareatthefrozenfaceofthedeadman。Bothfaceswereunmovedandunmoving。Thecandle—flamesflickeredinthefrozenair，intheintensesilence。
`Haven\'tyouseenenough？\'shesaid。
Hegotup。
`It\'sabitterthingtome，\'hesaid。
`What——thathe\'sdead？\'shesaid。
Hiseyesjustmethers。Hedidnotanswer。
`You\'vegotme，\'shesaid。
Hesmiledandkissedher。
`IfIdie，\'hesaid，`you\'llknowIhaven\'tleftyou。\'
`Andme？\'shecried。
`Andyouwon\'thaveleftme，\'hesaid。`Weshan\'thaveanyneedtodespair，indeath。\'
Shetookholdofhishand。
`ButneedyoudespairoverGerald？\'shesaid。
`Yes，\'heanswered。
Theywentaway。GeraldwastakentoEngland，tobeburied。BirkinandUrsulaaccompaniedthebody，alongwithoneofGerald\'sbrothers。ItwastheCrichbrothersandsisterswhoinsistedontheburialinEngland。BirkinwantedtoleavethedeadmanintheAlps，nearthesnow。Butthefamilywasstrident，loudlyinsistent。
GudrunwenttoDresden。Shewrotenoparticularsofherself。UrsulastayedattheMillwithBirkinforaweekortwo。Theywerebothveryquiet。
`DidyouneedGerald？\'sheaskedoneevening。
`Yes，\'hesaid。
`Aren\'tIenoughforyou？\'sheasked。
`No，\'hesaid。`Youareenoughforme，asfarasawomanisconcerned。
Youareallwomentome。ButIwantedamanfriend，aseternalasyouandIareeternal。\'
`Whyaren\'tIenough？\'shesaid。`Youareenoughforme。Idon\'twantanybodyelsebutyou。Whyisn\'titthesamewithyou？\'
`Havingyou，Icanliveallmylifewithoutanybodyelse，anyothersheerintimacy。Buttomakeitcomplete，reallyhappy，Iwantedeternalunionwithamantoo:anotherkindoflove，\'hesaid。
`Idon\'tbelieveit，\'shesaid。`It\'sanobstinacy，atheory，aperversity。\'
`Well——\'hesaid。
`Youcan\'thavetwokindsoflove。Whyshouldyou！\'
ItseemsasifIcan\'t，\'hesaid。`YetIwantedit。\'
`Youcan\'thaveit，becauseit\'sfalse，impossible，\'shesaid。
`Idon\'tbelievethat，\'heanswered。
