第35章

类别:其他 作者:D。 H。 Lawrence字数:10298更新时间:18/12/18 08:44:44
`Notnow,\'hereplied。`Ihavedoneallsorts——exceptportraits—— Ineverdidportraits。Butotherthings——\' `Whatkindofthings?\'askedGudrun。 Hepausedamoment,thenrose,andwentoutoftheroom。Hereturnedalmostimmediatelywithalittlerollofpaper,whichhehandedtoher。 Sheunrolledit。Itwasaphotogravurereproductionofastatuette,signedF。Loerke。 `Thatisquiteanearlything——notmechanical,\'hesaid,`morepopular。\' Thestatuettewasofanakedgirl,small,finelymade,sittingonagreatnakedhorse。Thegirlwasyoungandtender,amerebud。Shewassittingsidewaysonthehorse,herfaceinherhands,asifinshameandgrief,inalittleabandon。Herhair,whichwasshortandmustbeflaxen,fellforward,divided,halfcoveringherhands。 Herlimbswereyoungandtender。Herlegs,scarcelyformedyet,thelegsofamaidenjustpassingtowardscruelwomanhood,dangledchildishlyoverthesideofthepowerfulhorse,pathetically,thesmallfeetfoldedoneovertheother,asiftohide。Buttherewasnohiding。Thereshewasexposednakedonthenakedflankofthehorse。 Thehorsestoodstockstill,stretchedinakindofstart。Itwasamassive,magnificentstallion,rigidwithpent—uppower。Itsneckwasarchedandterrible,likeasickle,itsflankswerepressedback,rigidwithpower。 Gudrunwentpale,andadarknesscameoverhereyes,likeshame,shelookedupwithacertainsupplication,almostslave—like。Heglancedather,andjerkedhisheadalittle。 `Howbigisit?\'sheasked,inatonelessvoice,persistinginappearingcasualandunaffected。 `Howbig?\'hereplied,glancingagainather。`Withoutpedestal——sohigh——\'hemeasuredwithhishand——`withpedestal,so——\' Helookedathersteadily。Therewasalittlebrusque,turgidcontemptforherinhisswiftgesture,andsheseemedtocringealittle。 `Andwhatisitdonein?\'sheasked,throwingbackherheadandlookingathimwithaffectedcoldness。 Hestillgazedathersteadily,andhisdominancewasnotshaken。 `Bronze——greenbronze。\' `Greenbronze!\'repeatedGudrun,coldlyacceptinghischallenge。Shewasthinkingoftheslender,immature,tenderlimbsofthegirl,smoothandcoldingreenbronze。 `Yes,beautiful,\'shemurmured,lookingupathimwithacertaindarkhomage。 Heclosedhiseyesandlookedaside,triumphant。 `Why,\'saidUrsula,`didyoumakethehorsesostiff?Itisasstiffasablock。\' `Stiff?\'herepeated,inarmsatonce。 `Yes。Lookhowstockandstupidandbrutalitis。Horsesaresensitive,quitedelicateandsensitive,really。\' Heraisedhisshoulders,spreadhishandsinashrugofslowindifference,asmuchastoinformhershewasanamateurandanimpertinentnobody。 `WissenSie,\'hesaid,withaninsultingpatienceandcondescensioninhisvoice,`thathorseisacertainform,partofawholeform。 Itispartofaworkofart,apieceofform。Itisnotapictureofafriendlyhorsetowhichyougivealumpofsugar,doyousee——itispartofaworkofart,ithasnorelationtoanythingoutsidethatworkofart。\' Ursula,angryatbeingtreatedquitesoinsultinglydehautenbas,fromtheheightofesotericarttothedepthofgeneralexotericamateurism,replied,hotly,flushingandliftingherface。 `Butitisapictureofahorse,nevertheless。\' Heliftedhisshouldersinanothershrug。 `Asyoulike——itisnotapictureofacow,certainly。\' HereGudrunbrokein,flushedandbrilliant,anxioustoavoidanymoreofthis,anymoreofUrsula\'sfoolishpersistenceingivingherselfaway。 `Whatdoyoumeanby\"itisapictureofahorse?\"\'shecriedathersister。`Whatdoyoumeanbyahorse?Youmeananideayouhaveinyourhead,andwhichyouwanttoseerepresented。Thereisanotherideaaltogether,quiteanotheridea。Callitahorseifyoulike,orsayitisnotahorse。 Ihavejustasmuchrighttosaythatyourhorseisn\'tahorse,thatitisafalsityofyourownmake—up。\' Ursulawavered,baffled。Thenherwordscame。 `Butwhydoeshehavethisideaofahorse?\'shesaid。`Iknowitishisidea。Iknowitisapictureofhimself,really——\' Loerkesnortedwithrage。 `Apictureofmyself!\'herepeated,inderision。`Wissensie,gnadigeFrau,thatisaKunstwerk,aworkofart。Itisaworkofart,itisapictureofnothing,ofabsolutelynothing。Ithasnothingtodowithanythingbutitself,ithasnorelationwiththeeverydayworldofthisandother,thereisnoconnectionbetweenthem,absolutelynone,theyaretwodifferentanddistinctplanesofexistence,andtotranslateoneintotheotherisworsethanfoolish,itisadarkeningofallcounsel,amakingconfusioneverywhere。Doyousee,youmustnotconfusetherelativeworkofaction,withtheabsoluteworldofart。Thatyoumustnotdo。\' `Thatisquitetrue,\'criedGudrun,letlooseinasortofrhapsody。 `Thetwothingsarequiteandpermanentlyapart,theyhavenothingtodowithoneanother。Iandmyart,theyhavenothingtodowitheachother。Myartstandsinanotherworld,Iaminthisworld。\' Herfacewasflushedandtransfigured。Loerkewhowassittingwithhisheadducked,likesomecreatureatbay,lookedupather,swiftly,almostfurtively,andmurmured,`Ja——soistes,soistes。\' Ursulawassilentafterthisoutburst。Shewasfurious。Shewantedtopokeaholeintothemboth。 `Itisn\'tawordofittrue,ofallthisharangueyouhavemademe,\' sherepliedflatly。`Thehorseisapictureofyourownstock,stupidbrutality,andthegirlwasagirlyoulovedandtorturedandthenignored。\' Helookedupatherwithasmallsmileofcontemptinhiseyes。Hewouldnottroubletoanswerthislastcharge。 Gudruntoowassilentinexasperatedcontempt。Ursulawassuchaninsufferableoutsider,rushinginwhereangelswouldfeartotread。 Butthen——foolsmustbesuffered,ifnotgladly。 ButUrsulawaspersistenttoo。 `Asforyourworldofartandyourworldofreality,\'shereplied,`youhavetoseparatethetwo,becauseyoucan\'tbeartoknowwhatyouare。 Youcan\'tbeartorealisewhatastock,stiff,hide—boundbrutalityyouarereally,soyousay\"it\'stheworldofart。\"Theworldofartisonlythetruthabouttherealworld,that\'sall——butyouaretoofargonetoseeit。\' Shewaswhiteandtrembling,intent。GudrunandLoerkesatinstiffdislikeofher。Geraldtoo,whohadcomeupinthebeginningofthespeech,stoodlookingatherincompletedisapprovalandopposition。Hefeltshewasundignified,sheputasortofvulgarityovertheesotericismwhichgavemanhislastdistinction。Hejoinedhisforceswiththeothertwo。 Theyallthreewantedhertogoaway。Butshesatoninsilence,hersoulweeping,throbbingviolently,herfingerstwistingherhandkerchief。 Theothersmaintainedadeadsilence,lettingthedisplayofUrsula\'sobtrusivenesspassby。ThenGudrunasked,inavoicethatwasquitecoolandcasual,asifresumingacasualconversation: `Wasthegirlamodel?\' `Nein,siewarkeinModell。SiewareinekleineMalschulerin。\' `Anart—student!\'repliedGudrun。 Andhowthesituationrevealeditselftoher!Shesawthegirlart—student,unformedandofperniciousrecklessness,tooyoung,herstraightflaxenhaircutshort,hangingjustintoherneck,curvinginwardsslightly,becauseitwasratherthick;andLoerke,thewell—knownmaster—sculptor,andthegirl,probablywell—brought—up,andofgoodfamily,thinkingherselfsogreattobehismistress。Ohhowwellsheknewthecommoncallousnessofitall。Dresden,Paris,orLondon,whatdiditmatter?Sheknewit。 `Whereisshenow?\'Ursulaasked。 Loerkeraisedhisshoulders,toconveyhiscompleteignoranceandindifference。 `Thatisalreadysixyearsago,\'hesaid;`shewillbetwenty—threeyearsold,nomoregood。\' Geraldhadpickedupthepictureandwaslookingatit。Itattractedhimalso。Hesawonthepedestal,thatthepiecewascalled`LadyGodiva。\' `Butthisisn\'tLadyGodiva,\'hesaid,smilinggood—humouredly。`Shewasthemiddle—agedwifeofsomeEarlorother,whocoveredherselfwithherlonghair。\' `AlaMaudAllan,\'saidGudrunwithamockinggrimace。 `WhyMaudAllan?\'hereplied。`Isn\'titso?Ialwaysthoughtthelegendwasthat。\' `Yes,Geralddear,I\'mquitesureyou\'vegotthelegendperfectly。\' Shewaslaughingathim,withalittle,mock—caressivecontempt。 `Tobesure,I\'dratherseethewomanthanthehair,\'helaughedinreturn。 `Wouldn\'tyoujust!\'mockedGudrun。 Ursularoseandwentaway,leavingthethreetogether。 GudruntookthepictureagainfromGerald,andsatlookingatitclosely。 `Ofcourse,\'shesaid,turningtoteaseLoerkenow,`youunderstoodyourlittleMalschulerin。\' Heraisedhiseyebrowsandhisshouldersinacomplacentshrug。 `Thelittlegirl?\'askedGerald,pointingtothefigure。 Gudrunwassittingwiththepictureinherlap。ShelookedupatGerald,fullintohiseyes,sothatheseemedtobeblinded。 `Didn\'theunderstandher!\'shesaidtoGerald,inaslightlymocking,humorousplayfulness。`You\'veonlytolookatthefeet——aren\'ttheydarling,soprettyandtender——oh,they\'rereallywonderful,theyarereally——\' Sheliftedhereyesslowly,withahot,flaminglookintoLoerke\'seyes。 Hissoulwasfilledwithherburningrecognition,heseemedtogrowmoreuppishandlordly。 Geraldlookedatthesmall,sculpturedfeet。Theywereturnedtogether,halfcoveringeachotherinpatheticshynessandfear。Helookedatthemalongtime,fascinated。Then,insomepain,heputthepictureawayfromhim。Hefeltfullofbarrenness。 `Whatwashername?\'GudrunaskedLoerke。 `AnnettevonWeck,\'Loerkerepliedreminiscent。`Ja,siewarhubsch。 Shewaspretty——butshewastiresome。Shewasanuisance,——notforaminutewouldshekeepstill——notuntilI\'dslappedherhardandmadehercry——thenshe\'dsitforfiveminutes。\' Hewasthinkingoverthework,hiswork,theallimportanttohim。 `Didyoureallyslapher?\'askedGudrun,coolly。 Heglancedbackather,readingherchallenge。 `Yes,Idid,\'hesaid,nonchalant,`harderthanIhaveeverbeatanythinginmylife。Ihadto,Ihadto。ItwastheonlywayIgottheworkdone。\' Gudrunwatchedhimwithlarge,dark—filledeyes,forsomemoments。Sheseemedtobeconsideringhisverysoul。Thenshelookeddown,insilence。 `WhydidyouhavesuchayoungGodivathen?\'askedGerald。`Sheissosmall,besides,onthehorse——notbigenoughforit——suchachild。\' AqueerspasmwentoverLoerke\'sface。 `Yes,\'hesaid。`Idon\'tlikethemanybigger,anyolder。Thentheyarebeautiful,atsixteen,seventeen,eighteen——afterthat,theyarenousetome。\' Therewasamoment\'spause。 `Whynot?\'askedGerald。 Loerkeshruggedhisshoulders。 `Idon\'tfindtheminteresting——orbeautiful——theyarenogoodtome,formywork。\' `Doyoumeantosayawomanisn\'tbeautifulaftersheistwenty?\'askedGerald。 `Forme,no。Beforetwenty,sheissmallandfreshandtenderandslight。 Afterthat——letherbewhatshelikes,shehasnothingforme。TheVenusofMiloisabourgeoise——soaretheyall。\' `Andyoudon\'tcareforwomenatallaftertwenty?\'askedGerald。 `Theyarenogoodtome,theyareofnouseinmyart,\'Loerkerepeatedimpatiently。`Idon\'tfindthembeautiful。\' `Youareanepicure,\'saidGerald,withaslightsarcasticlaugh。 `Andwhataboutmen?\'askedGudrunsuddenly。 `Yes,theyaregoodatallages,\'repliedLoerke。`Amanshouldbebigandpowerful——whetherheisoldoryoungisofnoaccount,sohehasthesize,somethingofmassivenessand——andstupidform。\' Ursulawentoutaloneintotheworldofpure,newsnow。Butthedazzlingwhitenessseemedtobeatuponhertillithurther,shefeltthecoldwasslowlystranglinghersoul。Herheadfeltdazedandnumb。 Suddenlyshewantedtogoaway。Itoccurredtoher,likeamiracle,thatshemightgoawayintoanotherworld。Shehadfeltsodoomeduphereintheeternalsnow,asiftherewerenobeyond。 Nowsuddenly,asbyamiraclesherememberedthatawaybeyond,belowher,laythedarkfruitfulearth,thattowardsthesouththerewerestretchesoflanddarkwithorangetreesandcypress,greywitholives,thatilextreesliftedwonderfulplumytuftsinshadowagainstabluesky。Miracleofmiracles!——thisutterlysilent,frozenworldofthemountain—topswasnotuniversal!Onemightleaveitandhavedonewithit。Onemightgoaway。 Shewantedtorealisethemiracleatonce。Shewantedatthisinstanttohavedonewiththesnow—world,theterrible,staticice—builtmountaintops。Shewantedtoseethedarkearth,tosmellitsearthyfecundity,toseethepatientwintryvegetation,tofeelthesunshinetoucharesponseinthebuds。 Shewentbackgladlytothehouse,fullofhope。Birkinwasreading,lyinginbed。 `Rupert,\'shesaid,burstinginonhim。`Iwanttogoaway。\' Helookedupatherslowly。 `Doyou?\'herepliedmildly。 Shesatbyhimundputherarmsroundhisneck。Itsurprisedherthathewassolittlesurprised。 `Don\'tyou?\'sheaskedtroubled。 `Ihadn\'tthoughtaboutit,\'hesaid。`ButI\'msureIdo。\' Shesatup,suddenlyerect。 `Ihateit,\'shesaid。`Ihatethesnow,andtheunnaturalnessofit,theunnaturallightitthrowsoneverybody,theghastlyglamour,theunnaturalfeelingsitmakeseverybodyhave。\' Helaystillandlaughed,meditating。 `Well,\'hesaid,`wecangoaway——wecangotomorrow。We\'llgotomorrowtoVerona,andfindRomeoandJuliet,andsitintheamphitheatre——shallwe?\' Suddenlyshehidherfaceagainsthisshoulderwithperplexityandshyness。 Helaysountrammelled。 `Yes,\'shesaidsoftly,filledwithrelief。Shefelthersoulhadnewwings,nowhewassouncaring。`IshalllovetobeRomeoandJuliet,\'shesaid。`Mylove!\' `ThoughafearfullycoldwindblowsinVerona,\'hesaid,`fromoutoftheAlps。Weshallhavethesmellofthesnowinournoses。\' Shesatupandlookedathim。 `Areyougladtogo?\'sheasked,troubled。 Hiseyeswereinscrutableandlaughing。Shehidherfaceagainsthisneck,clingingclosetohim,pleading: `Don\'tlaughatme——don\'tlaughatme。\' `Whyhow\'sthat?\'helaughed,puttinghisarmsroundher。 `BecauseIdon\'twanttobelaughedat,\'shewhispered。 Helaughedmore,ashekissedherdelicate,finelyperfumedhair。 `Doyouloveme?\'shewhispered,inwildseriousness。 `Yes,\'heanswered,laughing。 Suddenlysheliftedhermouthtobekissed。Herlipsweretautandquiveringandstrenuous,hisweresoft,deepanddelicate。Hewaitedafewmomentsinthekiss。Thenashadeofsadnesswentoverhissoul。 `Yourmouthissohard,\'hesaid,infaintreproach。 `Andyoursissosoftandnice,\'shesaidgladly。 `Butwhydoyoualwaysgripyourlips?\'heasked,regretful。 `Nevermind,\'shesaidswiftly。`Itismyway。\' Sheknewhelovedher;shewassureofhim。Yetshecouldnotletgoacertainholdoverherself,shecouldnotbearhimtoquestionher。Shegaveherselfupindelighttobeinglovedbyhim。Sheknewthat,inspiteofhisjoywhensheabandonedherself,hewasalittlebitsaddenedtoo。 Shecouldgiveherselfuptohisactivity。Butshecouldnotbeherself,shedarednotcomeforthquitenakedlytohisnakedness,abandoningalladjustment,lapsinginpurefaithwithhim。Sheabandonedherselftohim,orshetookholdofhimandgatheredherjoyofhim。Andsheenjoyedhimfully。Buttheywereneverquitetogether,atthesamemoment,onewasalwaysalittleleftout。Neverthelessshewasgladinhope,gloriousandfree,fulloflifeandliberty。Andhewasstillandsoftandpatient,forthetime。 Theymadetheirpreparationstoleavethenextday。FirsttheywenttoGudrun\'sroom,wheresheandGeraldwerejustdressedreadyfortheeveningindoors。 `Prune,\'saidUrsula,`Ithinkweshallgoawaytomorrow。Ican\'tstandthesnowanymore。Ithurtsmyskinandmysoul。\' `Doesitreallyhurtyoursoul,Ursula?\'askedGudrun,insomesurprise。 `Icanbelievequiteithurtsyourskin——itisterrible。ButI thoughtitwasadmirableforthesoul。\' `No,notformine。Itjustinjuresit,\'saidUrsula。 `Really!\'criedGudrun。 Therewasasilenceintheroom。AndUrsulaandBirkincouldfeelthatGudrunandGeraldwererelievedbytheirgoing。 `Youwillgosouth?\'saidGerald,alittleringofuneasinessinhisvoice。 `Yes,\'saidBirkin,turningaway。Therewasaqueer,indefinablehostilitybetweenthetwomen,lately。Birkinwasonthewholedimandindifferent,driftingalonginadim,easyflow,unnoticingandpatient,sincehecameabroad,whilstGeraldontheotherhand,wasintenseandgrippedintowhitelight,agonistes。Thetwomenrevokedoneanother。 GeraldandGudrunwereverykindtothetwowhoweredeparting,solicitousfortheirwelfareasiftheyweretwochildren。GudruncametoUrsula\'sbedroomwiththreepairsofthecolouredstockingsforwhichshewasnotorious,andshethrewthemonthebed。Butthesewerethicksilkstockings,vermilion,cornflowerblue,andgrey,boughtinParis。Thegreyoneswereknitted,seamlessandheavy。Ursulawasinraptures。SheknewGudrunmustbefeelingveryloving,togiveawaysuchtreasures。 `Ican\'ttakethemfromyou,Prune,\'shecried。`Ican\'tpossiblydepriveyouofthem——thejewels。\' `Aren\'ttheyjewels!\'criedGudrun,eyeinghergiftswithanenviouseye。`Aren\'ttheyreallambs!\' `Yes,youmustkeepthem,\'saidUrsula。 `Idon\'twantthem,I\'vegotthreemorepairs。Iwantyoutokeepthem——Iwantyoutohavethem。They\'reyours,there——\' Andwithtrembling,excitedhandssheputthecovetedstockingsunderUrsula\'spillow。 `Onegetsthegreatestjoyofalloutofreallylovelystockings,\'saidUrsula。 `Onedoes,\'repliedGudrun;`thegreatestjoyofall。\' Andshesatdowninthechair。Itwasevidentshehadcomeforalasttalk。Ursula,notknowingwhatshewanted,waitedinsilence。 `Doyoufeel,Ursula,\'Gudrunbegan,rathersceptically,thatyouaregoing—away—for—ever,never—to—return,sortofthing?\' `Oh,weshallcomeback,\'saidUrsula。`Itisn\'taquestionoftrain—journeys。\' `Yes,Iknow。Butspiritually,sotospeak,youaregoingawayfromusall?\' Ursulaquivered。 `Idon\'tknowabitwhatisgoingtohappen,\'shesaid。`Ionlyknowwearegoingsomewhere。\' Gudrunwaited。 `Andyouareglad?\'sheasked。 Ursulameditatedforamoment。 `IbelieveIamveryglad,\'shereplied。 ButGudrunreadtheunconsciousbrightnessonhersister\'sface,ratherthantheuncertaintonesofherspeech。 `Butdon\'tyouthinkyou\'llwanttheoldconnectionwiththeworld——fatherandtherestofus,andallthatitmeans,Englandandtheworldofthought——don\'tyouthinkyou\'llneedthat,reallytomakeaworld?\' Ursulawassilent,tryingtoimagine。 `Ithink,\'shesaidatlength,involuntarily,`thatRupertisright——onewantsanewspacetobein,andonefallsawayfromtheold。\' Gudrunwatchedhersisterwithimpassivefaceandsteadyeyes。 `Onewantsanewspacetobein,Iquiteagree,\'shesaid。`ButIthinkthatanewworldisadevelopmentfromthisworld,andthattoisolateoneselfwithoneotherperson,isn\'ttofindanewworldatall,butonlytosecureoneselfinone\'sillusions。\' Ursulalookedoutofthewindow。Inhersoulshebegantowrestle,andshewasfrightened。Shewasalwaysfrightenedofwords,becausesheknewthatmereword—forcecouldalwaysmakeherbelievewhatshedidnotbelieve。 `Perhaps,\'shesaid,fullofmistrust,ofherselfandeverybody。`But,\' sheadded,`Idothinkthatonecan\'thaveanythingnewwhilstonecaresfortheold——doyouknowwhatImean?——evenfightingtheoldisbelongingtoit。Iknow,oneistemptedtostopwiththeworld,justtofightit。 Butthenitisn\'tworthit。\' Gudrunconsideredherself。 `Yes,\'shesaid。`Inaway,oneisoftheworldifonelivesinit。 Butisn\'titreallyanillusiontothinkyoucangetoutofit?Afterall,acottageintheAbruzzi,orwhereveritmaybe,isn\'tanewworld。No,theonlythingtodowiththeworld,istoseeitthrough。\' Ursulalookedaway。Shewassofrightenedofargument。 `Buttherecanbesomethingelse,can\'tthere?\'shesaid。`Onecanseeitthroughinone\'ssoul,longenoughbeforeitseesitselfthroughinactuality。Andthen,whenonehasseenone\'ssoul,oneissomethingelse。\' `Canoneseeitthroughinone\'ssoul?\'askedGudrun。`Ifyoumeanthatyoucanseetotheendofwhatwillhappen,Idon\'tagree。I reallycan\'tagree。Andanyhow,youcan\'tsuddenlyflyoffontoanewplanet,becauseyouthinkyoucanseetotheendofthis。\' Ursulasuddenlystraightenedherself。 `Yes,\'shesaid。`Yes——oneknows。Onehasnomoreconnectionshere。 Onehasasortofotherself,thatbelongstoanewplanet,nottothis。 You\'vegottohopoff。\' Gudrunreflectedforafewmoments。Thenasmileofridicule,almostofcontempt,cameoverherface。 `Andwhatwillhappenwhenyoufindyourselfinspace?\'shecriedinderision。`Afterall,thegreatideasoftheworldarethesamethere。 Youaboveeverybodycan\'tgetawayfromthefactthatlove,forinstance,isthesupremething,inspaceaswellasonearth。\' `No,\'saidUrsula,`itisn\'t。Loveistoohumanandlittle。Ibelieveinsomethinginhuman,ofwhichloveisonlyalittlepart。Ibelievewhatwemustfulfilcomesoutoftheunknowntous,anditissomethinginfinitelymorethanlove。Itisn\'tsomerelyhuman。\' GudrunlookedatUrsulawithsteady,balancingeyes。Sheadmiredanddespisedhersistersomuch,both!Then,suddenlysheavertedherface,sayingcoldly,uglily: `Well,I\'vegotnofurtherthanlove,yet。\' OverUrsula\'smindflashedthethought:`Becauseyouneverhaveloved,youcan\'tgetbeyondit。\' Gudrunrose,cameovertoUrsulaandputherarmroundherneck。 `Goandfindyournewworld,dear,\'shesaid,hervoiceclangingwithfalsebenignity。`Afterall,thehappiestvoyageisthequestofRupert\'sBlessedIsles。\' HerarmrestedroundUrsula\'sneck,herfingersonUrsula\'scheekforafewmoments。Ursulawassupremelyuncomfortablemeanwhile。TherewasaninsultinGudrun\'sprotectivepatronagethatwasreallytoohurting。 Feelinghersister\'sresistance,Gudrundrewawkwardlyaway,turnedoverthepillow,anddisclosedthestockingsagain。 `Ha——ha!\'shelaughed,ratherhollowly。`Howwedotalkindeed—— newworldsandold——!\' Andtheypassedtothefamiliarworldlysubjects。 GeraldandBirkinhadwalkedonahead,waitingforthesledgetoovertakethem,conveyingthedepartingguests。 `Howmuchlongerwillyoustayhere?\'askedBirkin,glancingupatGerald\'sveryred,almostblankface。 `Oh,Ican\'tsay,\'Geraldreplied。`Tillwegettiredofit。\' `You\'renotafraidofthesnowmeltingfirst?\'askedBirkin。 Geraldlaughed。 `Doesitmelt?\'hesaid。 `Thingsareallrightwithyouthen?\'saidBirkin。 Geraldscreweduphiseyesalittle。 `Allright?\'hesaid。`Ineverknowwhatthosecommonwordsmean。Allrightandallwrong,don\'ttheybecomesynonymous,somewhere?\' `Yes,Isuppose。Howaboutgoingback?\'askedBirkin。 `Oh,Idon\'tknow。Wemaynevergetback。Idon\'tlookbeforeandafter,\' saidGerald。 `Norpineforwhatisnot,\'saidBirkin。 Geraldlookedintothedistance,withthesmall—pupilled,abstracteyesofahawk。 `No。There\'ssomethingfinalaboutthis。AndGudrunseemsliketheend,tome。Idon\'tknow——butsheseemssosoft,herskinlikesilk,herarmsheavyandsoft。Anditwithersmyconsciousness,somehow,itburnsthepithofmymind。\'Hewentonafewpaces,staringahead,hiseyesfixed,lookinglikeamaskusedinghastlyreligionsofthebarbarians。`Itblastsyoursoul\'seye,\'hesaid,`andleavesyousightless。Yetyouwanttobesightless,youwanttobeblasted,youdon\'twantitanydifferent。\' Hewasspeakingasifinatrance,verbalandblank。Thensuddenlyhebracedhimselfupwithakindofrhapsody,andlookedatBirkinwithvindictive,cowedeyes,saying: `Doyouknowwhatitistosufferwhenyouarewithawoman?She\'ssobeautiful,soperfect,youfindhersogood,ittearsyoulikeasilk,andeverystrokeandbitcutshot——ha,thatperfection,whenyoublastyourself,youblastyourself!Andthen——\'hestoppedonthesnowandsuddenlyopenedhisclenchedhands——`it\'snothing——yourbrainmighthavegonecharredasrags——and——\'helookedroundintotheairwithaqueerhistrionicmovement`it\'sblasting——youunderstandwhatImean——itisagreatexperience,somethingfinal——andthen——you\'reshrivelledasifstruckbyelectricity。\'Hewalkedoninsilence。Itseemedlikebragging,butlikeamaninextremitybraggingtruthfully。