Thetwowomenlookedateachother。UrsularesentedHermione\'slong,grave,downward—lookingface。Therewassomethingofthestupidityandtheunenlightenedself—esteemofahorseinit。`She\'sgotahorse—face,\'
Ursulasaidtoherself,`sherunsbetweenblinkers。\'ItdidseemasifHermione,likethemoon,hadonlyonesidetoherpenny。Therewasnoobverse。
Shestaredoutallthetimeonthenarrow,buttoher,completeworldoftheextantconsciousness。Inthedarkness,shedidnotexist。Likethemoon,onehalfofherwaslosttolife。Herselfwasallinherhead,shedidnotknowwhatitwasspontaneouslytorunormove,likeafishinthewater,oraweaselonthegrass。Shemustalwaysknow。
ButUrsulaonlysufferedfromHermione\'sone—sidedness。SheonlyfeltHermione\'scoolevidence,whichseemedtoputherdownasnothing。Hermione,whobroodedandbroodedtillshewasexhaustedwiththeacheofhereffortatconsciousness,spentandasheninherbody,whogainedsoslowlyandwithsucheffortherfinalandbarrenconclusionsofknowledge,wasapt,inthepresenceofotherwomen,whomshethoughtsimplyfemale,toweartheconclusionsofherbitterassurancelikejewelswhichconferredonheranunquestionabledistinction,establishedherinahigherorderoflife。Shewasapt,mentally,tocondescendtowomensuchasUrsula,whomsheregardedaspurelyemotional。PoorHermione,itwasheronepossession,thisachingcertaintyofhers,itwasheronlyjustification。Shemustbeconfidenthere,forGodknows,shefeltrejectedanddeficientenoughelsewhere。Inthelifeofthought,ofthespirit,shewasoneoftheelect。
Andshewantedtobeuniversal。Buttherewasadevastatingcynicismatthebottomofher。Shedidnotbelieveinherownuniversals——theyweresham。Shedidnotbelieveintheinnerlife——itwasatrick,notareality。
Shedidnotbelieveinthespiritualworld——itwasanaffectation。Inthelastresort,shebelievedinMammon,theflesh,andthedevil——theseatleastwerenotsham。Shewasapriestesswithoutbelief,withoutconviction,suckledinacreedoutworn,andcondemnedtothereiterationofmysteriesthatwerenotdivinetoher。Yettherewasnoescape。Shewasaleafuponadyingtree。Whathelpwastherethen,buttofightstillfortheold,witheredtruths,todiefortheold,outwornbelief,tobeasacredandinviolatepriestessofdesecratedmysteries?Theoldgreattruthsbadbeentrue。Andshewasaleafoftheoldgreattreeofknowledgethatwaswitheringnow。Totheoldandlasttruththenshemustbefaithfuleventhoughcynicismandmockerytookplaceatthebottomofhersoul。
`Iamsogladtoseeyou,\'shesaidtoUrsula,inherslowvoice,thatwaslikeanincantation。`YouandRuperthavebecomequitefriends?\'
`Ohyes,\'saidUrsula。`Heisalwayssomewhereinthebackground。\'
Hermionepausedbeforesheanswered。Shesawperfectlywelltheotherwoman\'svaunt:itseemedtrulyvulgar。
`Ishe?\'shesaidslowly,andwithperfectequanimity。`Anddoyouthinkyouwillmarry?\'
Thequestionwassocalmandmild,sosimpleandbareanddispassionatethatUrsulawassomewhattakenaback,ratherattracted。Itpleasedheralmostlikeawickedness。TherewassomedelightfulnakedironyinHermione。
`Well,\'repliedUrsula,`Hewantsto,awfully,butI\'mnotsosure。\'
Hermionewatchedherwithslowcalmeyes。Shenotedthisnewexpressionofvaunting。HowsheenviedUrsulaacertainunconsciouspositivity!evenhervulgarity!
`Whyaren\'tyousure?\'sheasked,inhereasysingsong。Shewasperfectlyatherease,perhapsevenratherhappyinthisconversation。`Youdon\'treallylovehim?\'
Ursulaflushedalittleatthemildimpertinenceofthisquestion。Andyetshecouldnotdefinitelytakeoffence。Hermioneseemedsocalmlyandsanelycandid。Afterall,itwasrathergreattobeabletobesosane。
`Hesaysitisn\'tlovehewants,\'shereplied。
`Whatisitthen?\'Hermionewasslowandlevel。
`Hewantsmereallytoaccepthiminmarriage。\'
Hermionewassilentforsometime,watchingUrsulawithslow,pensiveeyes。
`Doeshe?\'shesaidatlength,withoutexpression。Then,rousing,`Andwhatisityoudon\'twant?Youdon\'twantmarriage?\'
`No——Idon\'t——notreally。Idon\'twanttogivethesortofsubmissionheinsistson。Hewantsmetogivemyselfup——andIsimplydon\'tfeelthatIcandoit。\'
Againtherewasalongpause,beforeHermionereplied:
`Notifyoudon\'twantto。\'Thenagaintherewassilence。Hermioneshudderedwithastrangedesire。Ah,ifonlyhehadaskedhertosubservehim,tobehisslave!Sheshudderedwithdesire。
`YouseeIcan\'t——\'
`Butexactlyinwhatdoes——\'
Theyhadbothbegunatonce,theybothstopped。Then,Hermione,assumingpriorityofspeech,resumedasifwearily:
`Towhatdoeshewantyoutosubmit?\'
`Hesayshewantsmetoaccepthimnon—emotionally,andfinally——I
reallydon\'tknowwhathemeans。Hesayshewantsthedemonpartofhimselftobemated——physically——notthehumanbeing。Youseehesaysonethingoneday,andanotherthenext——andhealwayscontradictshimself——\'
`Andalwaysthinksabouthimself,andhisowndissatisfaction,\'saidHermioneslowly。
`Yes,\'criedUrsula。`Asiftherewereno—onebuthimselfconcerned。
Thatmakesitsoimpossible。\'
Butimmediatelyshebegantoretract。
`HeinsistsonmyacceptingGodknowswhatinhim,\'sheresumed。
`Hewantsmetoaccepthimas——asanabsolute——Butitseemstomehedoesn\'twanttogiveanything。Hedoesn\'twantrealwarmintimacy——hewon\'thaveit——herejectsit。Hewon\'tletmethink,really,andhewon\'tletmefeel——hehatesfeelings。\'
Therewasalongpause,bitterforHermione。Ah,ifonlyhewouldhavemadethisdemandofher?Herhedroveintothought,droveinexorablyintoknowledge——andthenexecratedherforit。
`Hewantsmetosinkmyself,\'Ursularesumed,`nottohaveanybeingofmyown——\'
`Thenwhydoesn\'themarryanodalisk?\'saidHermioneinhermildsing—song,`ifitisthathewants。\'Herlongfacelookedsardonicandamused。
`Yes,\'saidUrsulavaguely。Afterall,thetiresomethingwas,hedidnotwantanodalisk,hedidnotwantaslave。Hermionewouldhavebeenhisslave——therewasinherahorribledesiretoprostrateherselfbeforeaman——amanwhoworshippedher,however,andadmittedherasthesupremething。Hedidnotwantanodalisk。Hewantedawomantotakesomethingfromhim,togiveherselfupsomuchthatshecouldtakethelastrealitiesofhim,thelastfacts,thelastphysicalfacts,physicalandunbearable。
Andifshedid,wouldheacknowledgeher?Wouldhebeabletoacknowledgeherthrougheverything,orwouldheuseherjustashisinstrument,useherforhisownprivatesatisfaction,notadmittingher?Thatwaswhattheothermenhaddone。Theyhadwantedtheirownshow,andtheywouldnotadmither,theyturnedallshewasintonothingness。JustasHermionenowbetrayedherselfasawoman。Hermionewaslikeaman,shebelievedonlyinmen\'sthings。Shebetrayedthewomaninherself。AndBirkin,wouldheacknowledge,orwouldhedenyher?
`Yes,\'saidHermione,aseachwomancameoutofherownseparatereverie。
`Itwouldbeamistake——Ithinkitwouldbeamistake——\'
`Tomarryhim?\'askedUrsula。
`Yes,\'saidHermioneslowly——`Ithinkyouneedaman——soldierly,strong—willed——\'Hermioneheldoutherhandandclencheditwithrhapsodicintensity。`Youshouldhaveamanliketheoldheroes——youneedtostandbehindhimashegoesintobattle,youneedtoseehisstrength,andtohearhisshout——。Youneedamanphysicallystrong,andvirileinhiswill,notasensitiveman——。\'Therewasabreak,asifthepythonesshadutteredtheoracle,andnowthewomanwenton,inarhapsody—weariedvoice:`Andyousee,Rupertisn\'tthis,heisn\'t。
Heisfrailinhealthandbody,heneedsgreat,greatcare。Thenheissochangeableandunsureofhimself——itrequiresthegreatestpatienceandunderstandingtohelphim。AndIdon\'tthinkyouarepatient。Youwouldhavetobepreparedtosuffer——dreadfully。Ican\'ttellyouhowmuchsufferingitwouldtaketomakehimhappy。Helivesanintenselyspirituallife,attimes——too,toowonderful。Andthencomethereactions。
Ican\'tspeakofwhatIhavebeenthroughwithhim。Wehavebeentogethersolong,Ireallydoknowhim,Idoknowwhatheis。AndIfeelImustsayit;Ifeelitwouldbeperfectlydisastrousforyoutomarryhim——foryouevenmorethanforhim。\'Hermionelapsedintobitterreverie。`Heissouncertain,sounstable——hewearies,andthenreacts。
Icouldn\'ttellyouwhathisre—actionsare。Icouldn\'ttellyoutheagonyofthem。Thatwhichheaffirmsandlovesoneday——alittlelatterheturnsonitinafuryofdestruction。Heisneverconstant,alwaysthisawful,dreadfulreaction。Alwaysthequickchangefromgoodtobad,badtogood。Andnothingissodevastating,nothing——\'
`Yes,\'saidUrsulahumbly,`youmusthavesuffered。\'
AnunearthlylightcameonHermione\'sface。Sheclenchedherhandlikeoneinspired。
`Andonemustbewillingtosuffer——willingtosufferforhimhourly,daily——ifyouaregoingtohelphim,ifheistokeeptruetoanythingatall——\'
`AndIdon\'twanttosufferhourlyanddaily,\'saidUrsula。`I
don\'t,Ishouldbeashamed。Ithinkitisdegradingnottobehappy。\'
Hermionestoppedandlookedatheralongtime。
`Doyou?\'shesaidatlast。AndthisutteranceseemedtoheramarkofUrsula\'sfardistancefromherself。FortoHermionesufferingwasthegreatestreality,comewhatmight。Yetshetoohadacreedofhappiness。
`Yes,\'shesaid。`Oneshouldbehappy——\'Butitwasamatterofwill。
`Yes,\'saidHermione,listlesslynow,`Icanonlyfeelthatitwouldbedisastrous,disastrous——atleast,tomarryinahurry。Can\'tyoubetogetherwithoutmarriage?Can\'tyougoawayandlivesomewherewithoutmarriage?Idofeelthatmarriagewouldbefatal,forbothofyou。Ithinkforyouevenmorethanforhim——andIthinkofhishealth——\'
`Ofcourse,\'saidUrsula,`Idon\'tcareaboutmarriage——itisn\'treallyimportanttome——it\'shewhowantsit。\'
`Itishisideaforthemoment,\'saidHermione,withthatwearyfinality,andasortofsijeunessesavaitinfallibility。
Therewasapause。ThenUrsulabrokeintofalteringchallenge。
`YouthinkI\'mmerelyaphysicalwoman,don\'tyou?\'
`Noindeed,\'saidHermione。`No,indeed!ButIthinkyouarevitalandyoung——itisn\'taquestionofyears,orevenofexperience——itisalmostaquestionofrace。Rupertisrace—old,hecomesofanoldrace——andyouseemtomesoyoung,youcomeofayoung,inexperiencedrace。\'
`DoI!\'saidUrsula。`ButIthinkheisawfullyyoung,ononeside。\'
`Yes,perhapschildishinmanyrespects。Nevertheless——\'
Theybothlapsedintosilence。Ursulawasfilledwithdeepresentmentandatouchofhopelessness。`Itisn\'ttrue,\'shesaidtoherself,silentlyaddressingheradversary。`Itisn\'ttrue。Anditisyouwhowantaphysicallystrong,bullyingman,notI。Itisyouwhowantanunsensitiveman,notI。Youdon\'tknowanythingaboutRupert,notreally,inspiteoftheyearsyouhavehadwithhim。Youdon\'tgivehimawoman\'slove,yougivehimanideallove,andthatiswhyhereactsawayfromyou。
Youdon\'tknow。Youonlyknowthedeadthings。Anykitchenmaidwouldknowsomethingabouthim,youdon\'tknow。Whatdoyouthinkyourknowledgeisbutdeadunderstanding,thatdoesn\'tmeanathing。Youaresofalse,anduntrue,howcouldyouknowanything?Whatisthegoodofyourtalkingaboutlove——youuntruespectreofawoman!Howcanyouknowanything,whenyoudon\'tbelieve?Youdon\'tbelieveinyourselfandyourownwomanhood,sowhatgoodisyourconceited,shallowcleverness——!\'
Thetwowomensatoninantagonisticsilence。Hermionefeltinjured,thatallhergoodintention,allheroffering,onlylefttheotherwomaninvulgarantagonism。Butthen,Ursulacouldnotunderstand,neverwouldunderstand,couldneverbemorethantheusualjealousandunreasonablefemale,withagooddealofpowerfulfemaleemotion,femaleattraction,andafairamountoffemaleunderstanding,butnomind。Hermionehaddecidedlongagothatwheretherewasnomind,itwasuselesstoappealforreason——onehadmerelytoignoretheignorant。AndRupert——hehadnowreactedtowardsthestronglyfemale,healthy,selfishwoman——itwashisreactionforthetimebeing——therewasnohelpingitall。Itwasallafoolishbackwardandforward,aviolentoscillationthatwouldatlengthbetooviolentforhiscoherency,andhewouldsmashandbedead。Therewasnosavinghim。Thisviolentanddirectionlessreactionbetweenanimalismandspiritualtruthwouldgooninhimtillhetorehimselfintwobetweentheoppositedirections,anddisappearedmeaninglesslyoutoflife。Itwasnogood——hetoowaswithoutunity,withoutmind,intheultimatestagesofliving;notquitemanenoughtomakeadestinyforawoman。
TheysatontillBirkincameinandfoundthemtogether。Hefeltatoncetheantagonismintheatmosphere,somethingradicalandinsuperable,andhebithislip。Butheaffectedabluffmanner。
`Hello,Hermione,areyoubackagain?Howdoyoufeel?\'
`Oh,better。Andhowareyou——youdon\'tlookwell——\'
`Oh!——IbelieveGudrunandWinnieCricharecomingintotea。Atleasttheysaidtheywere。Weshallbeatea—party。Whattraindidyoucomeby,Ursula?\'
Itwasratherannoyingtoseehimtryingtoplacatebothwomenatonce。
Bothwomenwatchedhim,Hermionewithdeepresentmentandpityforhim,Ursulaveryimpatient。Hewasnervousandapparentlyinquitegoodspirits,chatteringtheconventionalcommonplaces。Ursulawasamazedandindignantatthewayhemadesmall—talk;hewasadeptasanyfatinChristendom。
Shebecamequitestiff,shewouldnotanswer。Itallseemedtohersofalseandsobelittling。AndstillGudrundidnotappear。
`IthinkIshallgotoFlorenceforthewinter,\'saidHermioneatlength。
`Willyou?\'heanswered。`Butitissocoldthere。\'
`Yes,butIshallstaywithPalestra。Itisquitecomfortable。\'
`WhattakesyoutoFlorence?\'
`Idon\'tknow,\'saidHermioneslowly。Thenshelookedathimwithherslow,heavygaze。`Barnesisstartinghisschoolofaesthetics,andOlandeseisgoingtogiveasetofdiscoursesontheItaliannationalpolicy——\'
`Bothrubbish,\'hesaid。
`No,Idon\'tthinkso,\'saidHermione。
`Whichdoyouadmire,then?\'
`Iadmireboth。Barnesisapioneer。AndthenIaminterestedinItaly,inhercomingtonationalconsciousness。\'
`Iwishshe\'dcometosomethingdifferentfromnationalconsciousness,then,\'saidBirkin;`especiallyasitonlymeansasortofcommercial—industrialconsciousness。IhateItalyandhernationalrant。AndIthinkBarnesisanamateur。\'
Hermionewassilentforsomemoments,inastateofhostility。Butyet,shehadgotBirkinbackagainintoherworld!Howsubtleherinfluencewas,sheseemedtostarthisirritableattentionintoherdirectionexclusively,inoneminute。Hewashercreature。
`No,\'shesaid,`youarewrong。\'Thenasortoftensioncameoverher,sheraisedherfacelikethepythonessinspiredwithoracles,andwenton,inrhapsodicmanner:`IlSandromiscrivechehaaccoltoilpiugrandeentusiasmo,tuttiigiovani,efanciulleeragazzi,sonotutti——\'ShewentoninItalian,asif,inthinkingoftheItaliansshethoughtintheirlanguage。
Helistenedwithashadeofdistastetoherrhapsody,thenhesaid:
`Forallthat,Idon\'tlikeit。Theirnationalismisjustindustrialism——thatandashallowjealousyIdetestsomuch。\'
`Ithinkyouarewrong——Ithinkyouarewrong——\'saidHermione。`Itseemstomepurelyspontaneousandbeautiful,themodernItalian\'spassion,foritisapassion,forItaly,L\'Italia——\'
`DoyouknowItalywell?\'UrsulaaskedofHermione。Hermionehatedtobebrokeninuponinthismanner。Yetsheansweredmildly:
`Yes,prettywell。Ispentseveralyearsofmygirlhoodthere,withmymother。MymotherdiedinFlorence。\'
`Oh。\'
Therewasapause,painfultoUrsulaandtoBirkin。Hermionehoweverseemedabstractedandcalm。Birkinwaswhite,hiseyesglowedasifhewereinafever,hewasfartooover—wrought。HowUrsulasufferedinthistenseatmosphereofstrainedwills!Herheadseemedboundroundbyironbands。
Birkinrangthebellfortea。TheycouldnotwaitforGudrunanylonger。
Whenthedoorwasopened,thecatwalkedin。
`Micio!Micio!\'calledHermione,inherslow,deliberatesing—song。
Theyoungcatturnedtolookather,then,withhisslowandstatelywalkheadvancedtoherside。
`Vieni——vieniqua,\'Hermionewassaying,inherstrangecaressive,protectivevoice,asifshewerealwaystheelder,themothersuperior。
`VienidireBuon\'Giornoallazia。Miricorde,miricordebene——nonhevero,piccolo?Everochemiricordi?Evero?\'Andslowlysherubbedhishead,slowlyandwithironicindifference。
`DoesheunderstandItalian?\'saidUrsula,whoknewnothingofthelanguage。
`Yes,\'saidHermioneatlength。`HismotherwasItalian。Shewasborninmywaste—paperbasketinFlorence,onthemorningofRupert\'sbirthday。
Shewashisbirthdaypresent。\'
Teawasbroughtin。Birkinpouredoutforthem。ItwasstrangehowinviolablewastheintimacywhichexistedbetweenhimandHermione。Ursulafeltthatshewasanoutsider。Theverytea—cupsandtheoldsilverwasabondbetweenHermioneandBirkin。Itseemedtobelongtoanold,pastworldwhichtheyhadinhabitedtogether,andinwhichUrsulawasaforeigner。Shewasalmostaparvenueintheiroldculturedmilieu。Herconventionwasnottheirconvention,theirstandardswerenotherstandards。Buttheirswereestablished,theyhadthesanctionandthegraceofage。Heandshetogether,HermioneandBirkin,werepeopleofthesameoldtradition,thesamewithereddeadeningculture。Andshe,Ursula,wasanintruder。Sotheyalwaysmadeherfeel。
Hermionepouredalittlecreamintoasaucer。ThesimplewaysheassumedherrightsinBirkin\'sroommaddenedanddiscouragedUrsula。Therewasafatalityaboutit,asifitwereboundtobe。Hermioneliftedthecatandputthecreambeforehim。Heplantedhistwopawsontheedgeofthetableandbenthisgraciousyoungheadtodrink。
`Siccurochecapisceitaliano,\'sangHermione,`nonl\'avradimenticato,lalinguadellaMamma。\'
Sheliftedthecat\'sheadwithherlong,slow,whitefingers,notlettinghimdrink,holdinghiminherpower。Itwasalwaysthesame,thisjoyinpowershemanifested,peculiarlyinpoweroveranymalebeing。Heblinkedforbearingly,withamale,boredexpression,lickinghiswhiskers。Hermionelaughedinhershort,gruntingfashion。
`Ecco,ilbravoragazzo,comeesuperbo,questo!\'
Shemadeavividpicture,socalmandstrangewiththecat。Shehadatruestaticimpressiveness,shewasasocialartistinsomeways。
Thecatrefusedtolookather,indifferentlyavoidedherfingers,andbegantodrinkagain,hisnosedowntothecream,perfectlybalanced,ashelappedwithhisoddlittleclick。
`It\'sbadforhim,teachinghimtoeatattable,\'saidBirkin。
`Yes,\'saidHermione,easilyassenting。
Then,lookingdownatthecat,sheresumedherold,mocking,humoroussing—song。
`Tiimparanofarebruttecose,bruttecose——\'
SheliftedtheMino\'swhitechinonherforefinger,slowly。Theyoungcatlookedroundwithasupremelyforbearingair,avoidedseeinganything,withdrewhischin,andbegantowashhisfacewithhispaw。Hermionegruntedherlaughter,pleased。
`Belgiovanotto——\'shesaid。
Thecatreachedforwardagainandputhisfinewhitepawontheedgeofthesaucer。Hermionelifteditdownwithdelicateslowness。Thisdeliberate,delicatecarefulnessofmovementremindedUrsulaofGudrun。
`No!Nonepermessodimettereilzampinoneltondinetto。Nonpiacealbabbo。Unsignorgattocosiselvatico——!\'
Andshekeptherfingeronthesoftlyplantedpawofthecat,andhervoicehadthesamewhimsical,humorousnoteofbullying。
Ursulahadhernoseoutofjoint。Shewantedtogoawaynow。Itallseemednogood。Hermionewasestablishedforever,sheherselfwasephemeralandhadnotyetevenarrived。
`Iwillgonow,\'shesaidsuddenly。
Birkinlookedatheralmostinfear——hesodreadedheranger。`Butthereisnoneedforsuchhurry,\'hesaid。
`Yes,\'sheanswered。`Iwillgo。\'AndturningtoHermione,beforetherewastimetosayanymore,sheheldoutherhandandsaid`Good—bye。\'
`Good—bye——\'sangHermione,detainingtheband。`Mustyoureallygonow?\'
`Yes,IthinkI\'llgo,\'saidUrsula,herfaceset,andavertedfromHermione\'seyes。
`Youthinkyouwill——\'
ButUrsulahadgotherhandfree。SheturnedtoBirkinwithaquick,almostjeering:`Good—bye,\'andshewasopeningthedoorbeforehehadtimetodoitforher。
Whenshegotoutsidethehousesherandowntheroadinfuryandagitation。
Itwasstrange,theunreasoningrageandviolenceHermionerousedinher,byherverypresence。Ursulaknewshegaveherselfawaytotheotherwoman,sheknewshelookedill—bred,uncouth,exaggerated。Butshedidnotcare。
Sheonlyranuptheroad,lestsheshouldgobackandjeerinthefacesofthetwoshehadleftbehind。Fortheyoutragedher。
WomenInLove:Chapter23CHAPTERXXIIIExcurseNEXTDAYBirkinsoughtUrsulaout。Ithappenedtobethehalf—dayattheGrammarSchool。Heappearedtowardstheendofthemorning,andaskedher,wouldshedrivewithhimintheafternoon。
Sheconsented。Butherfacewasclosedandunresponding,andhisheartsank。
Theafternoonwasfineanddim。Hewasdrivingthemotor—car,andshesatbesidehim。Butstillherfacewasclosedagainsthim,unresponding。
Whenshebecamelikethis,likeawallagainsthim,hisheartcontracted。
Hislifenowseemedsoreduced,thathehardlycaredanymore。AtmomentsitseemedtohimhedidnotcareastrawwhetherUrsulaorHermioneoranybodyelseexistedordidnotexist。Whybother!Whystriveforacoherent,satisfiedlife?Whynotdriftoninaseriesofaccidents——likeapicaresquenovel?Whynot?Whybotherabouthumanrelationships?Whytakethemseriously——maleorfemale?Whyformanyseriousconnectionsatall?Whynotbecasual,driftingalong,takingallforwhatitwasworth?
Andyet,still,hewasdamnedanddoomedtotheoldeffortatseriousliving。
`Look,\'hesaid,`whatIbought。\'Thecarwasrunningalongabroadwhiteroad,betweenautumntrees。
Hegaveheralittlebitofscrewed—uppaper。Shetookitandopenedit。
`Howlovely,\'shecried。
Sheexaminedthegift。
`Howperfectlylovely!\'shecriedagain。`Butwhydoyougivethemme?\'
Sheputthequestionoffensively。
Hisfaceflickeredwithboredirritation。Heshruggedhisshouldersslightly。
`Iwantedto,\'hesaid,coolly。
`Butwhy?Whyshouldyou?\'
`AmIcalledontofindreasons?\'heasked。
Therewasasilence,whilstsheexaminedtheringsthathadbeenscrewedupinthepaper。
`Ithinktheyarebeautiful,\'shesaid,`especiallythis。Thisiswonderful——\'
Itwasaroundopal,redandfiery,setinacircleoftinyrubies。
`Youlikethatbest?\'hesaid。
`IthinkIdo。\'
`Ilikethesapphire,\'hesaid。
`This?\'
Itwasarose—shaped,beautifulsapphire,withsmallbrilliants。
`Yes,\'shesaid,`itislovely。\'Shehelditinthelight。`Yes,perhapsitisthebest——\'
`Theblue——\'hesaid。
`Yes,wonderful——\'
Hesuddenlyswungthecaroutofthewayofafarm—cart。Ittiltedonthebank。Hewasacarelessdriver,yetveryquick。ButUrsulawasfrightened。
Therewasalwaysthatsomethingregardlessinhimwhichterrifiedher。
Shesuddenlyfelthemightkillher,bymakingsomedreadfulaccidentwiththemotor—car。Foramomentshewasstonywithfear。
`Isn\'titratherdangerous,thewayyoudrive?\'sheaskedhim。
`No,itisn\'tdangerous,\'hesaid。Andthen,afterapause:`Don\'tyouliketheyellowringatall?\'
Itwasasquarishtopazsetinaframeofsteel,orsomeothersimilarmineral,finelywrought。
`Yes,\'shesaid,`Idolikeit。Butwhydidyoubuytheserings?\'
`Iwantedthem。Theyaresecond—hand。\'
`Youboughtthemforyourself?\'
`No。Ringslookwrongonmyhands。\'
`Whydidyoubuythemthen?\'
`Iboughtthemtogivetoyou。\'
`Butwhy?SurelyyououghttogivethemtoHermione!Youbelongtoher。\'
Hedidnotanswer。Sheremainedwiththejewelsshutinherhand。Shewantedtotrythemonherfingers,butsomethinginherwouldnotlether。
Andmoreover,shewasafraidherhandsweretoolarge,sheshrankfromthemortificationofafailuretoputthemonanybutherlittlefinger。
Theytravelledinsilencethroughtheemptylanes。
Drivinginamotor—carexcitedher,sheforgothispresenceeven。
`Wherearewe?\'sheaskedsuddenly。
`NotfarfromWorksop。\'
`Andwherearewegoing?\'
`Anywhere。\'
Itwastheanswersheliked。
Sheopenedherhandtolookattherings。Theygavehersuchpleasure,astheylay,thethreecircles,withtheirknottedjewels,entangledinherpalm。Shewouldhavetotrythemon。Shedidsosecretly,unwillingtolethimsee,sothatheshouldnotknowherfingerwastoolargeforthem。Buthesawnevertheless。Healwayssaw,ifshewantedhimnotto。
Itwasanotherofhishateful,watchfulcharacteristics。
Onlytheopal,withitsthinwireloop,wouldgoonherringfinger。
Andshewassuperstitious。No,therewasill—portentenough,shewouldnotacceptthisringfromhiminpledge。
`Look,\'shesaid,puttingforwardherhand,thatwashalf—closedandshrinking。`Theothersdon\'tfitme。\'
Helookedatthered—glinting,softstone,onherover—sensitiveskin。
`Yes,\'hesaid。
`Butopalsareunlucky,aren\'tthey?\'shesaidwistfully。
`No。Ipreferunluckythings。Luckisvulgar。Whowantswhatluckwouldbring?Idon\'t。\'
`Butwhy?\'shelaughed。
And,consumedwithadesiretoseehowtheotherringswouldlookonherhand,sheputthemonherlittlefinger。
`Theycanbemadealittlebigger,\'hesaid。
`Yes,\'shereplied,doubtfully。Andshesighed。Sheknewthat,inacceptingtherings,shewasacceptingapledge。Yetfateseemedmorethanherself。
Shelookedagainatthejewels。Theywereverybeautifultohereyes——notasornament,orwealth,butastinyfragmentsofloveliness。
`I\'mgladyouboughtthem,\'shesaid,puttingherhand,halfunwillingly,gentlyonhisarm。
Hesmiled,slightly。Hewantedhertocometohim。Buthewasangryatthebottomofhissoul,andindifferent。Heknewshehadapassionforhim,really。Butitwasnotfinallyinteresting。Thereweredepthsofpassionwhenonebecameimpersonalandindifferent,unemotional。WhereasUrsulawasstillattheemotionalpersonallevel——alwayssoabominablypersonal。
Hehadtakenherashehadneverbeentakenhimself。Hehadtakenherattherootsofherdarknessandshame——likeademon,laughingoverthefountainofmysticcorruptionwhichwasoneofthesourcesofherbeing,laughing,shrugging,accepting,acceptingfinally。Asforher,whenwouldshesomuchgobeyondherselfastoaccepthimatthequickofdeath?
Shenowbecamequitehappy。Themotor—carranon,theafternoonwassoftanddim。Shetalkedwithlivelyinterest,analysingpeopleandtheirmotives——Gudrun,Gerald。Heansweredvaguely。Hewasnotverymuchinterestedanymoreinpersonalitiesandinpeople——peoplewerealldifferent,buttheywereallenclosednowadaysinadefinitelimitation,hesaid;therewereonlyabouttwogreatideas,twogreatstreamsofactivityremaining,withvariousformsofreactiontherefrom。Thereactionswereallvariedinvariouspeople,buttheyfollowedafewgreatlaws,andintrinsicallytherewasnodifference。Theyactedandreactedinvoluntarilyaccordingtoafewgreatlaws,andoncethelaws,thegreatprinciples,wereknown,peoplewerenolongermysticallyinteresting。Theywereallessentiallyalike,thedifferenceswereonlyvariationsonatheme。Noneofthemtranscendedthegiventerms。