`AhGerald，\'shesaid，inastrong，slow，almostman—likeway。`——Allthat，andmore。\'Hereyeslookedupathimwithshockingnonchalance。
Hefeltagainasifshehadtornhimacrossthebreast，dully，finally。
Heturnedaside。
`Eat，eatmydarling！\'Winifredwassoftlyconjuringtherabbit，andcreepingforwardtotouchit。Ithobbledawayfromher。`Letitsmotherstrokeitsfurthen，darling，becauseitissomysterious——\'
WomenInLove:Chapter19CHAPTERXIXMoonyAFTERHISILLNESSBirkinwenttothesouthofFranceforatime。Hedidnotwrite，nobodyheardanythingofhim。Ursula，leftalone，feltasifeverythingwerelapsingout。Thereseemedtobenohopeintheworld。OnewasatinylittlerockwiththetideofnothingnessrisinghigherandhigherSheherselfwasreal，andonlyherself——justlikearockinawashofflood—water。Therestwasallnothingness。Shewashardandindifferent，isolatedinherself。
Therewasnothingforitnow，butcontemptuous，resistantindifference。
Alltheworldwaslapsingintoagreywish—washofnothingness，shehadnocontactandnoconnectionanywhere。Shedespisedanddetestedthewholeshow。Fromthebottomofherheart，fromthebottomofhersoul，shedespisedanddetestedpeople，adultpeople。Shelovedonlychildrenandanimals:
childrenshelovedpassionately，butcoldly。Theymadeherwanttohugthem，toprotectthem，togivethemlife。Butthisverylove，basedonpityanddespair，wasonlyabondageandapaintoher。Shelovedbestofalltheanimals，thatweresingleandunsocialassheherselfwas。Shelovedthehorsesandcowsinthefield。Eachwassingleandtoitself，magical。Itwasnotreferredawaytosomedetestablesocialprinciple。
Itwasincapableofsoulfulnessandtragedy，whichshedetestedsoprofoundly。
Shecouldbeverypleasantandflattering，almostsubservient，topeopleshemet。Butnoonewastakenin。Instinctivelyeachfelthercontemptuousmockeryofthehumanbeinginhimself，orherself。Shehadaprofoundgrudgeagainstthehumanbeing。Thatwhichtheword`human\'stoodforwasdespicableandrepugnanttoher。
Mostlyherheartwasclosedinthishidden，unconsciousstrainofcontemptuousridicule。Shethoughtsheloved，shethoughtshewasfulloflove。Thiswasherideaofherself。Butthestrangebrightnessofherpresence，amarvellousradianceofintrinsicvitality，wasaluminousnessofsupremerepudiation，nothingbutrepudiation。
Yet，atmoments，sheyieldedandsoftened，shewantedpurelove，onlypurelove。Thisother，thisstateofconstantunfailingrepudiation，wasastrain，asufferingalso。Aterribledesireforpureloveovercameheragain。
Shewentoutoneevening，numbedbythisconstantessentialsuffering。
Thosewhoaretimedfordestructionmustdienow。Theknowledgeofthisreachedafinality，afinishinginher。Andthefinalityreleasedher。
Iffatewouldcarryoffindeathordownfallallthosewhoweretimedtogo，whyneedshetrouble，whyrepudiateanyfurther。Shewasfreeofitall，shecouldseekanewunionelsewhere。
UrsulasetofftoWilleyGreen，towardsthemill。ShecametoWilleyWater。Itwasalmostfullagain，afteritsperiodofemptiness。Thensheturnedoffthroughthewoods。Thenighthadfallen，itwasdark。Butsheforgottobeafraid，shewhohadsuchgreatsourcesoffear。Amongthetrees，farfromanyhumanbeings，therewasasortofmagicpeace。Themoreonecouldfindapureloneliness，withnotaintofpeople，thebetteronefelt。Shewasinrealityterrified，horrifiedinherapprehensionofpeople。
Shestarted，noticingsomethingonherrighthand，betweenthetreetrunks。Itwaslikeagreatpresence，watchingher，dodgingher。Shestartedviolently。Itwasonlythemoon，risenthroughthethintrees。Butitseemedsomysterious，withitswhiteanddeathlysmile。Andtherewasnoavoidingit。Nightorday，onecouldnotescapethesinisterface，triumphantandradiantlikethismoon，withahighsmile。Shehurriedon，coweringfromthewhiteplanet。Shewouldjustseethepondatthemillbeforeshewenthome。
Notwantingtogothroughtheyard，becauseofthedogs，sheturnedoffalongthehill—sidetodescendonthepondfromabove。Themoonwastranscendentoverthebare，openspace，shesufferedfrombeingexposedtoit。Therewasaglimmerofnightlyrabbitsacrosstheground。Thenightwasasclearascrystal，andverystill。Shecouldhearadistantcoughingofasheep。
Sosheswerveddowntothesteep，tree—hiddenbankabovethepond，wherethealderstwistedtheirroots。Shewasgladtopassintotheshadeoutofthemoon。Thereshestood，atthetopofthefallen—awaybank，herhandontheroughtrunkofatree，lookingatthewater，thatwasperfectinitsstillness，floatingthemoonuponit。Butforsomereasonshedislikedit。Itdidnotgiveheranything。Shelistenedforthehoarserustleofthesluice。Andshewishedforsomethingelseoutofthenight，shewantedanothernight，notthismoon—brillianthardness。Shecouldfeelhersoulcryingoutinher，lamentingdesolately。
Shesawashadowmovingbythewater。ItwouldbeBirkin。Hehadcomebackthen，unawares。Sheaccepteditwithoutremark，nothingmatteredtoher。Shesatdownamongtherootsofthealdertree，dimandveiled，hearingthesoundofthesluicelikedewdistillingaudiblyintothenight。Theislandsweredarkandhalfrevealed，thereedsweredarkalso，onlysomeofthemhadalittlefrailfireofreflection。Afishleapedsecretly，revealingthelightinthepond。Thisfireofthechillnightbreakingconstantlyontothepuredarkness，repelledher。Shewisheditwereperfectlydark，perfectly，andnoiselessandwithoutmotion。Birkin，smallanddarkalso，hishairtingedwithmoonlight，wanderednearer。Hewasquitenear，andyethedidnotexistinher。Hedidnotknowshewasthere。Supposinghedidsomethinghewouldnotwishtobeseendoing，thinkinghewasquiteprivate？Butthere，whatdiditmatter？Whatdidthesmallpriyaciesmatter？
Howcoulditmatter，whathedid？Howcantherebeanysecrets，weareallthesameorganisms？Howcantherebeanysecrecy，wheneverythingisknowntoallofus？
Hewastouchingunconsciouslythedeadhusksofflowersashepassedby，andtalkingdisconnectedlytohimself。
`Youcan\'tgoaway，\'hewassaying。`Thereisnoaway。Youonlywithdrawuponyourself。\'
Hethrewadeadflower—huskontothewater。
`Anantiphony——theylie，andyousingbacktothem。Therewouldn\'thavetobeanytruth，ifthereweren\'tanylies。Thenoneneedn\'tassertanything——\'
Hestoodstill，lookingatthewater，andthrowinguponitthehusksoftheflowers。
`Cybele——curseher！TheaccursedSyriaDea！Doesonebegrudgeither？
Whatelseisthere——？\'
Ursulawantedtolaughloudlyandhysterically，hearinghisisolatedvoicespeakingout。Itwassoridiculous。
Hestoodstaringatthewater。Thenhestoopedandpickedupastone，whichhethrewsharplyatthepond。Ursulawasawareofthebrightmoonleapingandswaying，alldistorted，inhereyes。Itseemedtoshootoutarmsoffirelikeacuttle—fish，likealuminouspolyp，palpitatingstronglybeforeher。
Andhisshadowontheborderofthepond，waswatchingforafewmoments，thenhestoopedandgropedontheground。Thenagaintherewasaburstofsound，andaburstofbrilliantlight，themoonhadexplodedonthewater，andwasflyingasunderinflakesofwhiteanddangerousfire。Rapidly，likewhitebirds，thefiresallbrokenroseacrossthepond，fleeinginclamorousconfusion，battlingwiththeflockofdarkwavesthatwereforcingtheirwayin。Thefurthestwavesoflight，fleeingout，seemedtobeclamouringagainsttheshoreforescape，thewavesofdarknesscameinheavily，runningundertowardsthecentre。Butatthecentre，theheartofall，wasstillavivid，incandescentquiveringofawhitemoonnotquitedestroyed，awhitebodyoffirewrithingandstrivingandnotevennowbrokenopen，notyetviolated。Itseemedtobedrawingitselftogetherwithstrange，violentpangs，inblindeffort。Itwasgettingstronger，itwasre—assertingitself，theinviolablemoon。Andtherayswerehasteningininthinlinesoflight，toreturntothestrengthenedmoon，thatshookuponthewaterintriumphantreassumption。
Birkinstoodandwatched，motionless，tillthepondwasalmostcalm，themoonwasalmostserene。Then，satisfiedofsomuch，helookedformorestones。Shefelthisinvisibletenacity。Andinamomentagain，thebrokenlightsscatteredinexplosionoverherface，dazzlingher;andthen，almostimmediately，camethesecondshot。Themoonleaptupwhiteandburstthroughtheair。Dartsofbrightlightshotasunder，darknesssweptoverthecentre。
Therewasnomoon，onlyabattlefieldofbrokenlightsandshadows，runningclosetogether。Shadows，darkandheavy，struckagainandagainacrosstheplacewheretheheartofthemoonhadbeen，obliteratingitaltogether。
Thewhitefragmentspulsedupanddown，andcouldnotfindwheretogo，apartandbrilliantonthewaterlikethepetalsofarosethatawindhasblownfarandwide。
Yetagain，theywereflickeringtheirwaytothecentre，findingthepathblindly，enviously。Andagain，allwasstill，asBirkinandUrsulawatched。Thewaterswereloudontheshore。Hesawthemoonregatheringitselfinsidiously，sawtheheartoftheroseintertwiningvigorouslyandblindly，callingbackthescatteredfragments，winninghomethefragments，inapulseandineffortofreturn。
Andhewasnotsatisfied。Likeamadness，hemustgoon。Hegotlargestones，andthrewthem，oneaftertheother，atthewhite—burningcentreofthemoon，tilltherewasnothingbutarockingofhollownoise，andapondsurgedup，nomoonanymore，onlyafewbrokenflakestangledandglitteringbroadcastinthedarkness，withoutaimormeaning，adarkenedconfusion，likeablackandwhitekaleidoscopetossedatrandom。Thehollownightwasrockingandcrashingwithnoise，andfromthesluicecamesharp，regularflashesofsound。Flakesoflightappearedhereandthere，glitteringtormentedamongtheshadows，faroff，instrangeplaces;amongthedrippingshadowofthewillowontheisland。Birkinstoodandlistenedandwassatisfied。
Ursulawasdazed，hermindwasallgone。Shefeltshehadfallentothegroundandwasspilledout，likewaterontheearth。Motionlessandspentsheremainedinthegloom。Thoughevennowshewasaware，unseeing，thatinthedarknesswasalittletumultofebbingflakesoflight，aclusterdancingsecretlyinaround，twiningandcomingsteadilytogether。Theyweregatheringaheartagain，theywerecomingoncemoreintobeing。Graduallythefragmentscaughttogetherre—united，heaving，rocking，dancing，fallingbackasinpanic，butworkingtheirwayhomeagainpersistently，makingsemblanceoffleeingawaywhentheyhadadvanced，butalwaysflickeringnearer，alittleclosertothemark，theclustergrowingmysteriouslylargerandbrighter，asgleamaftergleamfellinwiththewhole，untilaraggedrose，adistorted，frayedmoonwasshakinguponthewatersagain，re—asserted，renewed，tryingtorecoverfromitsconvulsion，togetoverthedisfigurementandtheagitation，tobewholeandcomposed，atpeace。
Birkinlingeredvaguelybythewater。Ursulawasafraidthathewouldstonethemoonagain。Sheslippedfromherseatandwentdowntohim，saying:
`Youwon\'tthrowstonesatitanymore，willyou？\'
`Howlonghaveyoubeenthere？\'
`Allthetime。Youwon\'tthrowanymorestones，willyou？\'
`IwantedtoseeifIcouldmakeitbequitegoneoffthepond，\'hesaid。
`Yes，itwashorrible，really。Whyshouldyouhatethemoon？Ithasn\'tdoneyouanyharm，hasit？\'
`Wasithate？\'hesaid。
Andtheyweresilentforafewminutes。
`Whendidyoucomeback？\'shesaid。
`Today。\'
`Whydidyouneverwrite？\'
`Icouldfindnothingtosay。\'
`Whywastherenothingtosay？\'
`Idon\'tknow。Whyaretherenodaffodilsnow？\'
`No。\'
Againtherewasaspaceofsilence。Ursulalookedatthemoon。Ithadgathereditselftogether，andwasquiveringslightly。
`Wasitgoodforyou，tobealone？\'sheasked。
`Perhaps。NotthatIknowmuch。ButIgotoveragooddeal。Didyoudoanythingimportant？\'
`No。IlookedatEngland，andthoughtI\'ddonewithit。\'
`WhyEngland？\'heaskedinsurprise。
`Idon\'tknow，itcamelikethat。\'
`Itisn\'taquestionofnations，\'hesaid。`Franceisfarworse。\'
`Yes，Iknow。IfeltI\'ddonewithitall。\'
Theywentandsatdownontherootsofthetrees，intheshadow。Andbeingsilent，herememberedthebeautyofhereyes，whichweresometimesfilledwithlight，likespring，suffusedwithwonderfulpromise。Sohesaidtoher，slowly，withdifficulty:
`Thereisagoldenlightinyou，whichIwishyouwouldgiveme。\'Itwasasifhehadbeenthinkingofthisforsometime。
Shewasstartled，sheseemedtoleapclearofhim。Yetalsoshewaspleased。
`Whatkindofalight，\'sheasked。
Buthewasshy，anddidnotsayanymore。Sothemomentpassedforthistime。Andgraduallyafeelingofsorrowcameoverher。
`Mylifeisunfulfilled，\'shesaid。
`Yes，\'heansweredbriefly，notwantingtohearthis。
`AndIfeelasifnobodycouldeverreallyloveme，\'shesaid。
Buthedidnotanswer。
`Youthink，don\'tyou，\'shesaidslowly，`thatIonlywantphysicalthings？Itisn\'ttrue。Iwantyoutoservemyspirit。\'
`Iknowyoudo。Iknowyoudon\'twantphysicalthingsbythemselves。
But，Iwantyoutogiveme——togiveyourspirittome——thatgoldenlightwhichisyou——whichyoudon\'tknow——giveitme——\'
Afteramoment\'ssilenceshereplied:
`ButhowcanI，youdon\'tloveme！Youonlywantyourownends。Youdon\'twanttoserveme，andyetyouwantmetoserveyou。Itissoone—sided！\'
Itwasagreatefforttohimtomaintainthisconversation，andtopressforthethinghewantedfromher，thesurrenderofherspirit。
`Itisdifferent，\'hesaid。`Thetwokindsofservicearesodifferent。
Iserveyouinanotherway——notthroughyourself——somewhereelse。ButIwantustobetogetherwithoutbotheringaboutourselves——
tobereallytogetherbecausewearetogether，asifitwereaphenomenon，notanotathingwehavetomaintainbyourowneffort。\'
`No，\'shesaid，pondering。`Youarejustegocentric。Youneverhaveanyenthusiasm，younevercomeoutwithanysparktowardsme。Youwantyourself，really，andyourownaffairs。Andyouwantmejusttobethere，toserveyou。\'
Butthisonlymadehimshutofffromher。
`Ahwell，\'hesaid，`wordsmakenomatter，anyway。Thethingisbetweenus，oritisn\'t。\'
`Youdon\'tevenloveme，\'shecried。
`Ido，\'hesaidangrily。`ButIwant——\'Hismindsawagainthelovelygoldenlightofspringtransfusedthroughhereyes，asthroughsomewonderfulwindow。Andhewantedhertobewithhimthere，inthisworldofproudindifference。Butwhatwasthegoodoftellingherhewantedthiscompanyinproudindifference。Whatwasthegoodoftalking，anyway？Itmusthappenbeyondthesoundofwords。Itwasmerelyruinoustotrytoworkherbyconviction。Thiswasaparadisalbirdthatcouldneverbenetted，itmustflybyitselftotheheart。
`IalwaysthinkIamgoingtobeloved——andthenIamletdown。Youdon\'tloveme，youknow。Youdon\'twanttoserveme。Youonlywantyourself。\'
Ashiverofragewentoverhisveins，atthisrepeated:`Youdon\'twanttoserveme。\'Alltheparadisaldisappearedfromhim。
`No，\'hesaid，irritated，`Idon\'twanttoserveyou，becausethereisnothingtheretoserve。Whatyouwantmetoserve，isnothing，merenothing。Itisn\'tevenyou，itisyourmerefemalequality。AndIwouldn\'tgiveastrawforyourfemaleego——it\'saragdoll。\'
`Ha！\'shelaughedinmockery。`That\'sallyouthinkofme，isit？Andthenyouhavetheimpudencetosayyouloveme。\'
Sheroseinanger，togohome。
Youwanttheparadisalunknowing，\'shesaid，turningroundonhimashestillsathalf—visibleintheshadow。`Iknowwhatthatmeans，thankyou。Youwantmetobeyourthing，nevertocriticiseyouortohaveanythingtosayformyself。Youwantmetobeamerethingforyou！Nothankyou！Ifyouwantthat，thereareplentyofwomenwhowillgiveittoyou。Thereareplentyofwomenwhowillliedownforyoutowalkoverthem——gotothemthen，ifthat\'swhatyouwant——gotothem。\'
`No，\'hesaid，outspokenwithanger。`Iwantyoutodropyourassertivewill，yourfrightenedapprehensiveself—insistence，thatiswhatIwant。Iwantyoutotrustyourselfsoimplicitly，thatyoucanletyourselfgo。\'
`Letmyselfgo！\'shere—echoedinmockery。`Icanletmyselfgo，easilyenough。Itisyouwhocan\'tletyourselfgo，itisyouwhohangontoyourselfasifitwereyouronlytreasure。You——youaretheSundayschoolteacher——You——youpreacher。\'
Theamountoftruththatwasinthismadehimstiffandunheedingofher。
`Idon\'tmeanletyourselfgointheDionysicecstaticway，\'hesaid。
`Iknowyoucandothat。ButIhateecstasy，Dionysicoranyother。It\'slikegoingroundinasquirrelcage。Iwantyounottocareaboutyourself，justtobethereandnottocareaboutyourself，nottoinsist——begladandsureandindifferent。\'
`Whoinsists？\'shemocked。`Whoisitthatkeepsoninsisting？Itisn\'tme！\'
Therewasaweary，mockingbitternessinhervoice。Hewassilentforsometime。
`Iknow，\'hesaid。`Whileevereitherofusinsiststotheother，weareallwrong。Butthereweare，theaccorddoesn\'tcome。\'
Theysatinstillnessundertheshadowofthetreesbythebank。Thenightwaswhitearoundthem，theywereinthedarkness，barelyconscious。
Gradually，thestillnessandpeacecameoverthem。Sheputherhandtentativelyonhis。Theirhandsclaspedsoftlyandsilently，inpeace。
`Doyoureallyloveme？\'shesaid。
Helaughed。
`Icallthatyourwar—cry，\'hereplied，amused。
`Why！\'shecried，amusedandreallywondering。
`Yourinsistence——Yourwar—cry——\"ABrangwen，ABrangwen\"——anoldbattle—cry。Yoursis，\"Doyouloveme？Yieldknave，ordie。\"\'
`No，\'shesaid，pleading，`notlikethat。Notlikethat。ButImustknowthatyouloveme，mustn\'tI？\'
`Wellthen，knowitandhavedonewithit。\'
`Butdoyou？\'
`Yes，Ido。Iloveyou，andIknowit\'sfinal。Itisfinal，sowhysayanymoreaboutit。\'
Shewassilentforsomemoments，indelightanddoubt。
`Areyousure？\'shesaid，nestlinghappilyneartohim。
`Quitesure——sonowhavedone——acceptitandhavedone。\'
Shewasnestledquiteclosetohim。
`Havedonewithwhat？\'shemurmured，happily。
`Withbothering，\'hesaid。
Sheclungnearertohim。Heheldherclose，andkissedhersoftly，gently。
Itwassuchpeaceandheavenlyfreedom，justtofoldherandkisshergently，andnottohaveanythoughtsoranydesiresoranywill，justtobestillwithher，tobeperfectlystillandtogether，inapeacethatwasnotsleep，butcontentinbliss。Tobecontentinbliss，withoutdesireorinsistenceanywhere，thiswasheaven:tobetogetherinhappystillness。
Foralongtimeshenestledtohim，andhekissedhersoftly，herhair，herface，herears，gently，softly，likedewfalling。Butthiswarmbreathonherearsdisturbedheragain，kindledtheolddestructivefires。Shecleavedtohim，andhecouldfeelhisbloodchanginglikequicksilver。
`Butwe\'llbestill，shallwe？\'hesaid。
`Yes，\'shesaid，asifsubmissively。
Andshecontinuedtonestleagainsthim。
Butinalittlewhileshedrewawayandlookedathim。
`Imustbegoinghome，\'shesaid。
`Mustyou——howsad，\'hereplied。
Sheleanedforwardandputuphermouthtobekissed。
`Areyoureallysad？\'shemurmured，smiling。
`Yes，\'hesaid，`Iwishwecouldstayaswewere，always。\'
`Always！Doyou？\'shemurmured，ashekissedher。Andthen，outofafullthroat，shecrooned`Kissme！Kissme！\'Andshecleavedclosetohim。
Hekissedhermanytimes。Buthetoohadhisideaandhiswill。Hewantedonlygentlecommunion，noother，nopassionnow。Sothatsoonshedrewaway，putonherhatandwenthome。
Thenextdayhowever，hefeltwistfulandyearning。Hethoughthehadbeenwrong，perhaps。Perhapshehadbeenwrongtogotoherwithanideaofwhathewanted。Wasitreallyonlyanidea，orwasittheinterpretationofaprofoundyearning？Ifthelatter，howwasithewasalwaystalkingaboutsensualfulfilment？Thetwodidnotagreeverywell。
Suddenlyhefoundhimselffacetofacewithasituation。Itwasassimpleasthis:fatallysimple。Ontheonehand，heknewhedidnotwantafurthersensualexperience——somethingdeeper，darker，thanordinarylifecouldgive。HerememberedtheAfricanfetisheshehadseenatHalliday\'ssooften。
Therecamebacktohimone，astatuetteabouttwofeethigh，atall，slim，elegantfigurefromWestAfrica，indarkwood，glossyandsuave。Itwasawoman，withhairdressedhigh，likeamelon—shapeddome。Herememberedhervividly:shewasoneofhissoul\'sintimates。Herbodywaslongandelegant，herfacewascrushedtinylikeabeetle\'s，shehadrowsofroundheavycollars，likeacolumnofquoits，onherneck。Herememberedher:
herastonishingculturedelegance，herdiminished，beetleface，theastoundinglongelegantbody，onshort，uglylegs，withsuchprotuberantbuttocks，soweightyandunexpectedbelowherslimlongloins。Sheknewwhathehimselfdidnotknow。Shehadthousandsofyearsofpurelysensual，purelyunspiritualknowledgebehindher。Itmusthavebeenthousandsofyearssinceherracehaddied，mystically:thatis，sincetherelationbetweenthesensesandtheoutspokenmindhadbroken，leavingtheexperienceallinonesort，mysticallysensual。Thousandsofyearsago，thatwhichwasimminentinhimselfmusthavetakenplaceintheseAfricans:thegoodness，theholiness，thedesireforcreationandproductivehappinessmusthavelapsed，leavingthesingleimpulseforknowledgeinonesort，mindlessprogressiveknowledgethroughthesenses，knowledgearrestedandendinginthesenses，mysticknowledgeindisintegrationanddissolution，knowledgesuchasthebeetleshave，whichlivepurelywithintheworldofcorruptionandcolddissolution。
Thiswaswhyherfacelookedlikeabeetle\'s:thiswaswhytheEgyptiansworshippedtheball—rollingscarab:becauseoftheprincipleofknowledgeindissolutionandcorruption。
Thereisalongwaywecantravel，afterthedeath—break:afterthatpointwhenthesoulinintensesufferingbreaks，breaksawayfromitsorganicholdlikealeafthatfalls。Wefallfromtheconnectionwithlifeandhope，welapsefrompureintegralbeing，fromcreationandliberty，andwefallintothelong，longAfricanprocessofpurelysensualunderstanding，knowledgeinthemysteryofdissolution。
Herealisednowthatthisisalongprocess——thousandsofyearsittakes，afterthedeathofthecreativespirit。Herealisedthatthereweregreatmysteriestobeunsealed，sensual，mindless，dreadfulmysteries，farbeyondthephalliccult。Howfar，intheirinvertedculture，hadtheseWestAfricansgonebeyondphallicknowledge？Very，veryfar。Birkinrecalledagainthefemalefigure:theelongated，long，longbody，thecuriousunexpectedheavybuttocks，helong，imprisonedneck，thefacewithtinyfeatureslikeabeetle\'s。Thiswasfarbeyondanyphallicknowledge，sensualsubtlerealitiesfarbeyondthescopeofphallicinvestigation。
Thereremainedthisway，thisawfulAfricanprocess，tobefulfilled。
Itwouldbedonedifferentlybythewhiteraces。Thewhiteraces，havingthearcticnorthbehindthem，thevastabstractionoficeandsnow，wouldfulfilamysteryofice—destructiveknowledge，snow—abstractannihilation。
WhereastheWestAfricans，controlledbytheburningdeath—abstractionoftheSahara，hadbeenfulfilledinsun—destruction，theputrescentmysteryofsun—rays。
Wasthisthenallthatremained？Wasthereleftnownothingbuttobreakofffromthehappycreativebeing，wasthetimeup？Isourdayofcreativelifefinished？Doesthereremaintousonlythestrange，awfulafterwardsoftheknowledgeindissolution，theAfricanknowledge，butdifferentinus，whoareblondandblue—eyedfromthenorth？
BirkinthoughtofGerald。Hewasoneofthesestrangewhitewonderfuldemonsfromthenorth，fulfilledinthedestructivefrostmystery。Andwashefatedtopassawayinthisknowledge，thisoneprocessoffrost—knowledge，deathbyperfectcold？Washeamessenger，anomenoftheuniversaldissolutionintowhitenessandsnow？
Birkinwasfrightened。Hewastiredtoo，whenhehadreachedthislengthofspeculation。Suddenlyhisstrange，strainedattentiongaveway，hecouldnotattendtothesemysteriesanymore。Therewasanotherway，thewayoffreedom。Therewastheparadisalentryintopure，singlebeing，theindividualsoultakingprecedenceoverloveanddesireforunion，strongerthananypangsofemotion，alovelystateoffreeproudsingleness，whichacceptedtheobligationofthepermanentconnectionwithothers，andwiththeother，submitstotheyokeandleashoflove，butneverforfeitsitsownproudindividualsingleness，evenwhileitlovesandyields。
Therewastheotherway，theremainingway。Andhemustruntofollowit。HethoughtofUrsula，howsensitiveanddelicateshereallywas，herskinsoover—fine，asifoneskinwerewanting。Shewasreallysomarvellouslygentleandsensitive。Whydidheeverforgetit？Hemustgotoheratonce。
Hemustaskhertomarryhim。Theymustmarryatonce，andsomakeadefinitepledge，enterintoadefinitecommunion。Hemustsetoutatonceandaskher，thismoment。Therewasnomomenttospare。
HedriftedonswiftlytoBeldover，half—unconsciousofhisownmovement。
Hesawthetownontheslopeofthehill，notstraggling，butasifwalled—inwiththestraight，finalstreetsofminers\'dwellings，makingagreatsquare，anditlookedlikeJerusalemtohisfancy。Theworldwasallstrangeandtranscendent。
Rosalindopenedthedoortohim。Shestartedslightly，asayounggirlwill，andsaid:
`Oh，I\'lltellfather。\'
Withwhichshedisappeared，leavingBirkininthehall，lookingatsomereproductionsfromPicasso，latelyintroducedbyGudrun。Hewasadmiringthealmostwizard，sensuousapprehensionoftheearth，whenWillBrangwenappeared，rollingdownhisshirtsleeves。
`Well，\'saidBrangwen，`I\'llgetacoat。\'Andhetoodisappearedforamoment。Thenhereturned，andopenedthedoorofthedrawing—room，saying:
`Youmustexcuseme，Iwasjustdoingabitofworkintheshed。Comeinside，willyou。\'
Birkinenteredandsatdown。Helookedatthebright，reddishfaceoftheotherman，atthenarrowbrowandtheverybrighteyes，andattherathersensuallipsthatunrolledwideandexpansiveundertheblackcroppedmoustache。Howcuriousitwasthatthiswasahumanbeing！WhatBrangwenthoughthimselftobe，howmeaninglessitwas，confrontedwiththerealityofhim。Birkincouldseeonlyastrange，inexplicable，almostpatternlesscollectionofpassionsanddesiresandsuppressionsandtraditionsandmechanicalideas，allcastunfusedanddisunitedintothisslender，bright—facedmanofnearlyfifty，whowasasunresolvednowashewasattwenty，andasuncreated。HowcouldhebetheparentofUrsula，whenhewasnotcreatedhimself。Hewasnotaparent。Aslipoflivingfleshhadbeentransmittedthroughhim，butthespirithadnotcomefromhim。Thespirithadnotcomefromanyancestor，ithadcomeoutoftheunknown。Achildisthechildofthemystery，oritisuncreated。
`Theweather\'snotsobadasithasbeen，\'saidBrangwen，afterwaitingamoment。Therewasnoconnectionbetweenthetwomen。
`No，\'saidBirkin。`Itwasfullmoontwodaysago。\'
`Oh！Youbelieveinthemoonthen，affectingtheweather？\'
`No，Idon\'tthinkIdo。Idon\'treallyknowenoughaboutit。\'
