Ifwewait，ifwebaulktheissue，wedobuthangaboutthegatesinundignifieduneasiness。Thereitis，infrontofus，asinfrontofSappho，theillimitablespace。Thereintogoesthejourney。Havewenotthecouragetogoonwithourjourney，mustwecry`Idaren\'t\'？Onaheadwewillgo，intodeath，andwhateverdeathmaymean。Ifamancanseethenextsteptobetaken，whyshouldhefearthenextbutone？Whyaskaboutthenextbutone？Ofthenextstepwearecertain。Itisthestepintodeath。
`Ishalldie——Ishallquicklydie，\'saidUrsulatoherself，clearasifinatrance，clear，calm，andcertainbeyondhumancertainty。Butsomewherebehind，inthetwilight，therewasabitterweepingandahopelessness。
Thatmustnotbeattendedto。Onemustgowheretheunfalteringspiritgoes，theremustbenobaulkingtheissue，becauseoffear。Nobaulkingtheissue，nolisteningtothelesservoices。Ifthedeepestdesirebenow，togoonintotheunknownofdeath，shalloneforfeitthedeepesttruthforonemoreshallow？
`Thenletitend，\'shesaidtoherself。Itwasadecision。Itwasnotaquestionoftakingone\'slife——shewouldneverkillherself，thatwasrepulsiveandviolent。Itwasaquestionofknowingthenextstep。Andthenextstepledintothespaceofdeath。Didit？——orwasthere——？
Herthoughtsdriftedintounconsciousness，shesatasifasleepbesidethefire。Andthenthethoughtcameback。Thespaceo\'death！Couldshegiveherselftoit？Ahyes——itwasasleep。ShehadhadenoughSolongshehadheldout;andresisted。Nowwasthetimetorelinquish，nottoresistanymore。
Inakindofspiritualtrance，sheyielded，shegaveway，andallwasdark。Shecouldfeel，withinthedarkness，theterribleassertionofherbody，theunutterableanguishofdissolution，theonlyanguishthatistoomuch，thefar—off，awfulnauseaofdissolutionsetinwithinthebody。
`Doesthebodycorrespondsoimmediatelywiththespirit？\'sheaskedherself。Andsheknew，withtheclarityofultimateknowledge，thatthebodyisonlyoneofthemanifestationsofthespirit，thetransmutationoftheintegralspiritisthetransmutationofthephysicalbodyaswell。
UnlessIsetmywill，unlessIabsolvemyselffromtherhythmoflife，fixmyselfandremainstatic，cutofffromliving，absolvedwithinmyownwill。Butbetterdiethanlivemechanicallyalifethatisarepetitionofrepetitions。Todieistomoveonwiththeinvisible。Todieisalsoajoy，ajoyofsubmittingtothatwhichisgreaterthantheknown，namely，thepureunknown。Thatisajoy。Buttolivemechanisedandcutoffwithinthemotionofthewill，toliveasanentityabsolvedfromtheunknown，thatisshamefulandignominious。Thereisnoignominyindeath。Thereiscompleteignominyinanunreplenished，mechanisedlife。Lifeindeedmaybeignominious，shamefultothesoul。Butdeathisneverashame。Deathitself，liketheillimitablespace，isbeyondoursullying。
TomorrowwasMonday。Monday，thebeginningofanotherschool—week！Anothershameful，barrenschool—week，mereroutineandmechanicalactivity。Wasnottheadventureofdeathinfinitelypreferable？Wasnotdeathinfinitelymorelovelyandnoblethansuchalife？Alifeofbarrenroutine，withoutinnermeaning，withoutanyrealsignificance。Howsordidlifewas，howitwasaterribleshametothesoul，tolivenow！Howmuchcleanerandmoredignifiedtobedead！Onecouldnotbearanymoreofthisshameofsordidroutineandmechanicalnullity。Onemightcometofruitindeath。
Shehadhadenough。Forwherewaslifetobefound？Noflowersgrowuponbusymachinery，thereisnoskytoaroutine，thereisnospacetoarotarymotion。Andalllifewasarotarymotion，mechanised，cutofffromreality。
Therewasnothingtolookforfromlife——itwasthesameinallcountriesandallpeoples。Theonlywindowwasdeath。Onecouldlookoutontothegreatdarkskyofdeathwithelation，asonehadlookedoutoftheclassroomwindowasachild，andseenperfectfreedomintheoutside。Nowonewasnotachild，andoneknewthatthesoulwasaprisonerwithinthissordidvastedificeoflife，andtherewasnoescape，saveindeath。
Butwhatajoy！Whatagladnesstothinkthatwhateverhumanitydid，itcouldnotseizeholdofthekingdomofdeath，tonullifythat。Theseatheyturnedintoamurderousalleyandasoiledroadofcommerce，disputedlikethedirtylandofacityeveryinchofit。Theairtheyclaimedtoo，shareditup，parcelleditouttocertainowners，theytrespassedintheairtofightforit。Everythingwasgone，walledin，withspikesontopofthewalls，andonemustignominiouslycreepbetweenthespikywallsthroughalabyrinthoflife。
Butthegreat，dark，illimitablekingdomofdeath，therehumanitywasputtoscorn。Somuchtheycoulddouponearth，themultifariouslittlegodsthattheywere。Butthekingdomofdeathputthemalltoscorn，theydwindledintotheirtruevulgarsillinessinfaceofit。
Howbeautiful，howgrandandperfectdeathwas，howgoodtolookforwardto。Thereonewouldwashoffalltheliesandignominyanddirtthathadbeenputupononehere，aperfectbathofcleannessandgladrefreshment，andgounknown，unquestioned，unabased。Afterall，onewasrich，ifonlyinthepromiseofperfectdeath。Itwasagladnessaboveall，thatthisremainedtolookforwardto，thepureinhumanothernessofdeath。
Whateverlifemightbe，itcouldnottakeawaydeath，theinhumantranscendentdeath。Oh，letusasknoquestionofit，whatitisorisnot。Toknowishuman，andindeathwedonotknow，wearenothuman。Andthejoyofthiscompensatesforallthebitternessofknowledgeandthesordidnessofourhumanity。Indeathweshallnotbehuman，andweshallnotknow。
Thepromiseofthisisourheritage，welookforwardlikeheirstotheirmajority。
Ursulasatquitestillandquiteforgotten，alonebythefireinthedrawing—room。Thechildrenwereplayinginthekitchen，alltheothersweregonetochurch。Andshewasgoneintotheultimatedarknessofherownsoul。
Shewasstartledbyhearingthebellring，awayinthekitchen，thechildrencamescuddingalongthepassageindeliciousalarm。
`Ursula，there\'ssomebody。\'
`Iknow。Don\'tbesilly，\'shereplied。Shetoowasstartled，almostfrightened。Shedaredhardlygotothedoor。
Birkinstoodonthethreshold，hisrain—coatturneduptohisears。
Hehadcomenow，nowshewasgonefaraway。Shewasawareoftherainynightbehindhim。
`Ohisityou？\'shesaid。
`Iamgladyouareathome，\'hesaidinalowvoice，enteringthehouse。
`Theyareallgonetochurch。\'
Hetookoffhiscoatandhungitup。Thechildrenwerepeepingathimroundthecorner。
`Goandgetundressednow，BillyandDora，\'saidUrsula。`Motherwillbebacksoon，andshe\'llbedisappointedifyou\'renotinbed。\'
Thechildren，inasuddenangelicmood，retiredwithoutaword。BirkinandUrsulawentintothedrawing—room。
Thefireburnedlow。Helookedatherandwonderedattheluminousdelicacyofherbeauty，andthewideshiningofhereyes。Hewatchedfromadistance，withwonderinhisheart，sheseemedtransfiguredwithlight。
`Whathaveyoubeendoingallday？\'heaskedher。
`Onlysittingabout，\'shesaid。
Helookedather。Therewasachangeinher。Butshewasseparatefromhim。Sheremainedapart，inakindofbrightness。Theybothsatsilentinthesoftlightofthelamp。Hefeltheoughttogoawayagain，heoughtnottohavecome。Stillhedidnotgatherenoughresolutiontomove。Buthewasdetrop，hermoodwasabsentandseparate。
Thentherecamethevoicesofthetwochildrencallingshylyoutsidethedoor，softly，withself—excitedtimidity:
`Ursula！Ursula！\'
Sheroseandopenedthedoor。Onthethresholdstoodthetwochildrenintheirlongnightgowns，withwide—eyed，angelicfaces。Theywerebeingverygoodforthemoment，playingtheroleperfectlyoftwoobedientchildren。
`Shallyoutakeustobed！\'saidBilly，inaloudwhisper。
`Whyyouareangelstonight，\'shesaidsoftly。`Won\'tyoucomeandsaygood—nighttoMrBirkin？\'
Thechildrenmergedshylyintotheroom，onbarefeet。Billy\'sfacewaswideandgrinning，buttherewasagreatsolemnityofbeinggoodinhisroundblueeyes。Dora，peepingfromtheflossofherfairhair，hungbacklikesometinyDryad，thathasnosoul。
`Willyousaygood—nighttome？\'askedBirkin，inavoicethatwasstrangelysoftandsmooth。Doradriftedawayatonce，likealeafliftedonabreathofwind。ButBillywentsoftlyforward，slowandwilling，liftinghispinched—upmouthimplicitlytobekissed。Ursulawatchedthefull，gatheredlipsofthemangentlytouchthoseoftheboy，sogently。ThenBirkinliftedhisfingersandtouchedtheboy\'sround，confidingcheek，withafainttouchoflove。Neitherspoke。Billyseemedangeliclikeacherubboy，orlikeanacolyte，Birkinwasatall，graveangellookingdowntohim。
`Areyougoingtobekissed？\'Ursulabrokein，speakingtothelittlegirl。ButDoraedgedawaylikeatinyDryadthatwillnotbetouched。
`Won\'tyousaygood—nighttoMrBirkin？Go，he\'swaitingforyou，\'saidUrsula。Butthegirl—childonlymadealittlemotionawayfromhim。
`SillyDora，sillyDora！\'saidUrsula。
Birkinfeltsomemistrustandantagonisminthesmallchild。Hecouldnotunderstandit。
`Comethen，\'saidUrsula。`Letusgobeforemothercomes。\'
`Who\'llhearussayourprayers？\'askedBillyanxiously。
`Whomyoulike。\'
`Won\'tyou？\'
`Yes，Iwill。\'
`Ursula？\'
`WellBilly？\'
`Isitwhomyoulike？\'
`That\'sit。\'
`Wellwhatiswhom？\'
`It\'stheaccusativeofwho。\'
Therewasamoment\'scontemplativesilence，thentheconfiding:
`Isit？\'
Birkinsmiledtohimselfashesatbythefire。WhenUrsulacamedownhesatmotionless，withhisarmsonhisknees。Shesawhim，howhewasmotionlessandageless，likesomecrouchingidol，someimageofadeathlyreligion。Helookedroundather，andhisface，verypaleandunreal，seemedtogleamwithawhitenessalmostphosphorescent。
`Don\'tyoufeelwell？\'sheasked，inindefinablerepulsion。
`Ihadn\'tthoughtaboutit。\'
`Butdon\'tyouknowwithoutthinkingaboutit？\'
Helookedather，hiseyesdarkandswift，andhesawherrevulsion。
Hedidnotanswerherquestion。
`Don\'tyouknowwhetheryouareunwellornot，withoutthinkingaboutit？\'shepersisted。
`Notalways，\'hesaidcoldly。
`Butdon\'tyouthinkthat\'sverywicked？\'
`Wicked？\'
`Yes。Ithinkit\'scriminaltohavesolittleconnectionwithyourownbodythatyoudon\'tevenknowwhenyouareill。\'
Helookedatherdarkly。
`Yes，\'hesaid。
`Whydon\'tyoustayinbedwhenyouareseedy？Youlookperfectlyghastly。\'
`Offensivelyso？\'heaskedironically。
`Yes，quiteoffensive。Quiterepelling。\'
`Ah！！Wellthat\'sunfortunate。\'
`Andit\'sraining，andit\'sahorriblenight。Really，youshouldn\'tbeforgivenfortreatingyourbodylikeit——yououghttosuffer，amanwhotakesaslittlenoticeofhisbodyasthat。\'
`——takesaslittlenoticeofhisbodyasthat，\'heechoedmechanically。
Thiscuthershort，andtherewassilence。
Theotherscameinfromchurch，andthetwohadthegirlstoface，thenthemotherandGudrun，andthenthefatherandtheboy。
`Good—evening，\'saidBrangwen，faintlysurprised。`Cametoseeme，didyou？\'
`No，\'saidBirkin，`notaboutanything，inparticular，thatis。Thedaywasdismal，andIthoughtyouwouldn\'tmindifIcalledin。\'
`Ithasbeenadepressingday，\'saidMrsBrangwensympathetically。
Atthatmomentthevoicesofthechildrenwereheardcallingfromupstairs:
`Mother！Mother！\'Sheliftedherfaceandansweredmildlyintothedistance:
`Ishallcomeuptoyouinaminute，Doysie。\'ThentoBirkin:`ThereisnothingfreshatShortlands，Isuppose？Ah，\'shesighed，`no，poorthings，Ishouldthinknot。\'
`You\'vebeenovertheretoday，Isuppose？\'askedthefather。
`Geraldcameroundtoteawithme，andIwalkedbackwithhim。Thehouseisoverexcitedandunwholesome，Ithought。\'
`Ishouldthinktheywerepeoplewhohadn\'tmuchrestraint，\'saidGudrun。
`Ortoomuch，\'Birkinanswered。
`Ohyes，I\'msure，\'saidGudrun，almostvindictively，`oneortheother。\'
`Theyallfeeltheyoughttobehaveinsomeunnaturalfashion，\'saidBirkin。`Whenpeopleareingrief，theywoulddobettertocovertheirfacesandkeepinretirement，asintheolddays。\'
`Certainly！\'criedGudrun，flushedandinflammable。`Whatcanbeworsethanthispublicgrief——whatismorehorrible，morefalse！Ifgriefisnotprivate，andhidden，whatis？\'
`Exactly，\'hesaid。`IfeltashamedwhenIwasthereandtheywereallgoingaboutinalugubriousfalseway，feelingtheymustnotbenaturalorordinary。\'
`Well——\'saidMrsBrangwen，offendedatthiscriticism，`itisn\'tsoeasytobearatroublelikethat。\'
Andshewentupstairstothechildren。
Heremainedonlyafewminuteslonger，thentookhisleave。WhenhewasgoneUrsulafeltsuchapoignanthatredofhim，thatallherbrainseemedturnedintoasharpcrystaloffinehatred。Herwholenatureseemedsharpenedandintensifiedintoapuredartofhate。Shecouldnotimaginewhatitwas。Itmerelytookholdofher，themostpoignantandultimatehatred，pureandclearandbeyondthought。Shecouldnotthinkofitatall，shewastranslatedbeyondherself。Itwaslikeapossession。Shefeltshewaspossessed。Andforseveraldaysshewentaboutpossessedbythisexquisiteforceofhatredagainsthim。Itsurpassedanythingshehadeverknownbefore，itseemedtothrowheroutoftheworldintosometerribleregionwherenothingofheroldlifeheldgood。Shewasquitelostanddazed，reallydeadtoherownlife。
Itwassocompletelyincomprehensibleandirrational。Shedidnotknowwhyshehatedhim，herhatewasquiteabstract。Shehadonlyrealisedwithashockthatstunnedher，thatshewasovercomebythispuretransportation。
Hewastheenemy，fineasadiamond，andashardandjewel—like，thequintessenceofallthatwasinimical。
Shethoughtofhisface，whiteandpurelywrought，andofhiseyesthathadsuchadark，constantwillofassertion，andshetouchedherownforehead，tofeelifsheweremad，shewassotransfiguredinwhiteflameofessentialhate。
Itwasnottemporal，herhatred，shedidnothatehimforthisorforthat;shedidnotwanttodoanythingtohim，tohaveanyconnectionwithhim。Herrelationwasultimateandutterlybeyondwords，thehatewassopureandgemlike。Itwasasifhewereabeamofessentialenmity，abeamoflightthatdidnotonlydestroyher，butdeniedheraltogether，revokedherwholeworld。Shesawhimasaclearstrokeofuttermostcontradiction，astrangegem—likebeingwhoseexistencedefinedherownnon—existence。
Whensheheardhewasillagain，herhatredonlyintensifieditselfafewdegrees，ifthatwerepossible。Itstunnedherandannihilatedher，butshecouldnotescapeit。Shecouldnotescapethistransfigurationofhatredthathadcomeuponher。
WomenInLove:Chapter16CHAPTERXVIMantoManHELAYsickandunmoved，inpureoppositiontoeverything。Heknewhowneartobreakingwasthevesselthatheldhislife。
Heknewalsohowstronganddurableitwas。Andhedidnotcare。Betterathousandtimestakeone\'schancewithdeath，thanacceptalifeonedidnotwant。Butbestofalltopersistandpersistandpersistforever，tilloneweresatisfiedinlife。
HeknewthatUrsulawasreferredbacktohim。Heknewhisliferestedwithher。Buthewouldrathernotlivethanacceptthelovesheproffered。
Theoldwayofloveseemedadreadfulbondage，asortofconscription。
Whatitwasinhimhedidnotknow，butthethoughtoflove，marriage，andchildren，andalifelivedtogether，inthehorribleprivacyofdomesticandconnubialsatisfaction，wasrepulsive。Hewantedsomethingclearer，moreopen，cooler，asitwere。Thehotnarrowintimacybetweenmanandwifewasabhorrent。Thewaytheyshuttheirdoors，thesemarriedpeople，andshutthemselvesintotheirownexclusivealliancewitheachother，eveninlove，disgustedhim。Itwasawholecommunityofmistrustfulcouplesinsulatedinprivatehousesorprivaterooms，alwaysincouples，andnofurtherlife，nofurtherimmediate，nodisinterestedrelationshipadmitted:
akaleidoscopeofcouples，disjoined，separatist，meaninglessentitiesofmarriedcouples。True，hehatedpromiscuityevenworsethanmarriage，andaliaisonwasonlyanotherkindofcoupling，reactionaryfromthelegalmarriage。Reactionwasagreaterborethanaction。
Onthewhole，hehatedsex，itwassuchalimitation。Itwassexthatturnedamanintoabrokenhalfofacouple，thewomanintotheotherbrokenhalf。Andhewantedtobesingleinhimself，thewomansingleinherself。
Hewantedsextoreverttotheleveloftheotherappetites，toberegardedasafunctionalprocess，notasafulfilment。Hebelievedinsexmarriage。
Butbeyondthis，hewantedafurtherconjunction，wheremanhadbeingandwomanhadbeing，twopurebeings，eachconstitutingthefreedomoftheother，balancingeachotherliketwopolesofoneforce，liketwoangels，ortwodemons。
Hewantedsomuchtobefree，notunderthecompulsionofanyneedforunification，ortorturedbyunsatisfieddesire。Desireandaspirationshouldfindtheirobjectwithoutallthistorture，asnow，inaworldofplentyofwater，simplethirstisinconsiderable，satisfiedalmostunconsciously。
AndhewantedtobewithUrsulaasfreeaswithhimself，singleandclearandcool，yetbalanced，polarisedwithher。Themerging，theclutching，theminglingoflovewasbecomemadlyabhorrenttohim。
Butitseemedtohim，womanwasalwayssohorribleandclutching，shehadsuchalustforpossession，agreedofself—importanceinlove。Shewantedtohave，toown，tocontrol，tobedominant。Everythingmustbereferredbacktoher，toWoman，theGreatMotherofeverything，outofwhomproceededeverythingandtowhomeverythingmustfinallyberenderedup。
Itfilledhimwithalmostinsanefury，thiscalmassumptionoftheMagnaMater，thatallwashers，becauseshehadborneit。Manwashersbecauseshehadbornehim。AMaterDolorosa，shehadbornehim，aMagnaMater，shenowclaimedhimagain，soulandbody，sex，meaning，andall。HehadahorroroftheMagnaMater，shewasdetestable。
Shewasonaveryhighhorseagain，waswoman，theGreatMother。DidhenotknowitinHermione。Hermione，thehumble，thesubservient，whatwassheallthewhilebuttheMaterDolorosa，inhersubservience，claimingwithhorrible，insidiousarroganceandfemaletyranny，herownagain，claimingbackthemanshehadborneinsuffering。Byherverysufferingandhumilitysheboundhersonwithchains，sheheldhimhereverlastingprisoner。
AndUrsula，Ursulawasthesame——ortheinverse。Shetoowastheawful，arrogantqueenoflife，asifshewereaqueenbeeonwhomalltherestdepended。Hesawtheyellowflareinhereyes，heknewtheunthinkableoverweeningassumptionofprimacyinher。Shewasunconsciousofitherself。
Shewasonlytooreadytoknockherheadonthegroundbeforeaman。Butthiswasonlywhenshewassocertainofherman，thatshecouldworshiphimasawomanworshipsherowninfant，withaworshipofperfectpossession。
Itwasintolerable，thispossessionatthehandsofwoman。Alwaysamanmustbeconsideredasthebrokenofffragmentofawoman，andthesexwasthestillachingscarofthelaceration。Manmustbeaddedontoawoman，beforehehadanyrealplaceorwholeness。
Andwhy？Whyshouldweconsiderourselves，menandwomen，asbrokenfragmentsofonewhole？Itisnottrue。Wearenotbrokenfragmentsofonewhole。Ratherwearethesinglingawayintopurityandclearbeing，ofthingsthatweremixed。Ratherthesexisthatwhichremainsinusofthemixed，theunresolved。Andpassionisthefurtherseparatingofthismixture，thatwhichismanlybeingtakenintothebeingoftheman，thatwhichiswomanlypassingtothewoman，tillthetwoareclearandwholeasangels，theadmixtureofsexinthehighestsensesurpassed，leavingtwosinglebeingsconstellatedtogetherliketwostars。
Intheoldage，beforesexwas，weweremixed，eachoneamixture。Theprocessofsinglingintoindividualityresultedintothegreatpolarisationofsex。Thewomanlydrewtooneside，themanlytotheother。Buttheseparationwasimperfecteventhem。Andsoourworld—cyclepasses。Thereisnowtocomethenewday，whenwearebeingseachofus，fulfilledindifference。
Themanispureman，thewomanpurewoman，theyareperfectlypolarised。
Butthereisnolongeranyofthehorriblemerging，minglingself—abnegationoflove。Thereisonlythepuredualityofpolarisation，eachonefreefromanycontaminationoftheother。Ineach，theindividualisprimal，sexissubordinate，butperfectlypolarised。Eachhasasingle，separatebeing，withitsownlaws。Themanhashispurefreedom，thewomanhers。
Eachacknowledgestheperfectionofthepolarisedsex—circuit。Eachadmitsthedifferentnatureintheother。
SoBirkinmeditatedwhilsthewasill。Helikedsometimestobeillenoughtotaketohisbed。Forthenhegotbetterveryquickly，andthingscametohimclearandsure。
Whilsthewaslaidup，Geraldcametoseehim。Thetwomenhadadeep，uneasyfeelingforeachother。Gerald\'seyeswerequickandrestless，hiswholemannertenseandimpatient，heseemedstrunguptosomeactivity。
Accordingtoconventionality，heworeblackclothes，helookedformal，handsomeandcommeilfaut。Hishairwasfairalmosttowhiteness，sharplikesplintersoflight，hisfacewaskeenandruddy，hisbodyseemedfullofnorthernenergy。GeraldreallylovedBirkin，thoughheneverquitebelievedinhim。Birkinwastoounreal;——clever，whimsical，wonderful，butnotpracticalenough。Geraldfeltthathisownunderstandingwasmuchsounderandsafer。Birkinwasdelightful，awonderfulspirit，butafterall，nottobetakenseriously，notquitetobecountedasamanamongmen。
`Whyareyoulaidupagain？\'heaskedkindly，takingthesickman\'shand。ItwasalwaysGeraldwhowasprotective，offeringthewarmshelterofhisphysicalstrength。
`Formysins，Isuppose，\'Birkinsaid，smilingalittleironically。
`Foryoursins？Yes，probablythatisso。Youshouldsinless，andkeepbetterinhealth？\'
`You\'dbetterteachme。\'
HelookedatGeraldwithironiceyes。
`Howarethingswithyou？\'askedBirkin。
`Withme？\'GeraldlookedatBirkin，sawhewasserious，andawarmlightcameintohiseyes。
`Idon\'tknowthatthey\'reanydifferent。Idon\'tseehowtheycouldbe。There\'snothingtochange。\'
`Isupposeyouareconductingthebusinessassuccessfullyasever，andignoringthedemandofthesoul。\'
`That\'sit，\'saidGerald。`Atleastasfarasthebusinessisconcerned。
Icouldn\'tsayaboutthesoul，I\'amsure。\'
`No。\'
`Surelyyoudon\'texpectmeto？\'laughedGerald。
`No。Howaretherestofyouraffairsprogressing，apartfromthebusiness？\'
`Therestofmyaffairs？Whatarethose？Icouldn\'tsay;Idon\'tknowwhatyoureferto。\'
`Yes，youdo，\'saidBirkin。`Areyougloomyorcheerful？AndwhataboutGudrunBrangwen？\'
`Whatabouther？\'AconfusedlookcameoverGerald。`Well，\'headded，`Idon\'tknow。IcanonlytellyoushegavemeahitoverthefacelasttimeIsawher。\'
`Ahitovertheface！Whatfor？\'
`ThatIcouldn\'ttellyou，either。\'
`Really！Butwhen？\'
`Thenightoftheparty——whenDianawasdrowned。Shewasdrivingthecattleupthehill，andIwentafterher——youremember。\'
`Yes，Iremember。Butwhatmadeherdothat？Youdidn\'tdefinitelyaskherforit，Isuppose？\'
`I？No，notthatIknowof。Imerelysaidtoher，thatitwasdangeroustodrivethoseHighlandbullocks——asitis。Sheturnedinsuchaway，andsaid——\"IsupposeyouthinkI\'mafraidofyouandyourcattle，don\'tyou？\"SoIaskedher\"why，\"andforanswersheflungmeaback—handeracrosstheface。\'
Birkinlaughedquickly，asifitpleasedhim。Geraldlookedathim，wondering，andbegantolaughaswell，saying:
`Ididn\'tlaughatthetime，Iassureyou。Iwasneversotakenabackinmylife。\'
`Andweren\'tyoufurious？\'
`Furious？IshouldthinkIwas。I\'dhavemurderedherfortwopins。\'
`H\'m！\'ejaculatedBirkin。`PoorGudrun，wouldn\'tshesufferafterwardsforhavinggivenherselfaway！\'Hewashugelydelighted。
`Wouldshesuffer？\'askedGerald，alsoamusednow。
Bothmensmiledinmaliceandamusement。
`Badly，Ishouldthink;seeinghowself—conscioussheis。\'
`Sheisself—conscious，isshe？Thenwhatmadeherdoit？ForIcertainlythinkitwasquiteuncalled—for，andquiteunjustified。\'
`Isupposeitwasasuddenimpulse。\'
`Yes，buthowdoyouaccountforherhavingsuchanimpulse？I\'ddonehernoharm。\'
Birkinshookhishead。
`TheAmazonsuddenlycameupinher，Isuppose，\'hesaid。
`Well，\'repliedGerald，`I\'dratherithadbeentheOrinoco。\'
Theybothlaughedatthepoorjoke。GeraldwasthinkinghowGudrunhadsaidshewouldstrikethelastblowtoo。ButsomereservemadehimkeepthisbackfromBirkin。
`Andyouresentit？\'Birkinasked。
`Idon\'tresentit。Idon\'tcareatinker\'scurseaboutit。\'Hewassilentamoment，thenheadded，laughing。`No，I\'llseeitthrough，that\'sall。Sheseemedsorryafterwards。\'
`Didshe？You\'venotmetsincethatnight？\'
Gerald\'sfaceclouded。
`No，\'hesaid。`We\'vebeen——youcanimaginehowit\'sbeen，sincetheaccident。\'
`Yes。Isitcalmingdown？\'
`Idon\'tknow。It\'sashock，ofcourse。ButIdon\'tbelievemotherminds。
Ireallydon\'tbelieveshetakesanynotice。Andwhat\'ssofunny，sheusedtobeallforthechildren——nothingmattered，nothingwhatevermatteredbutthechildren。Andnow，shedoesn\'ttakeanymorenoticethanifitwasoneoftheservants。\'
`No？Diditupsetyouverymuch？\'
`It\'sashock。ButIdon\'tfeelitverymuch，really。Idon\'tfeelanydifferent。We\'veallgottodie，anditdoesn\'tseemtomakeanygreatdifference，anyhow，whetheryoudieornot。Ican\'tfeelanygriefyouknow。Itleavesmecold。Ican\'tquiteaccountforit。\'
`Youdon\'tcareifyoudieornot？\'askedBirkin。
Geraldlookedathimwitheyesblueastheblue—fibredsteelofaweapon。
Hefeltawkward，butindifferent。Asamatteroffact，hedidcareterribly，withagreatfear。
`Oh，\'hesaid，`Idon\'twanttodie，whyshouldI？ButInevertrouble。
Thequestiondoesn\'tseemtobeonthecarpetformeatall。Itdoesn\'tinterestme，youknow。\'
`Timormortisconturbatme，\'quotedBirkin，adding——`No，deathdoesn\'treallyseemthepointanymore。Itcuriouslydoesn\'tconcernone。
It\'slikeanordinarytomorrow。\'
Geraldlookedcloselyathisfriend。Theeyesofthetwomenmet，andanunspokenunderstandingwasexchanged。
Geraldnarrowedhiseyes，hisfacewascoolandunscrupulousashelookedatBirkin，impersonally，withavisionthatendedinapointinspace，strangelykeen—eyedandyetblind。
`Ifdeathisn\'tthepoint，\'hesaid，inastrangelyabstract，cold，finevoice——`whatis？\'Hesoundedasifhehadbeenfoundout。
`Whatis？\'re—echoedBirkin。Andtherewasamockingsilence。
`There\'slongwaytogo，afterthepointofintrinsicdeath，beforewedisappear，\'saidBirkin。
`Thereis，\'saidGerald。`Butwhatsortofway？\'HeseemedtopresstheothermanforknowledgewhichhehimselfknewfarbetterthanBirkindid。
`Rightdowntheslopesofdegeneration——mystic，universaldegeneration。
Therearemanystagesofpuredegradationtogothrough:agelong。Weliveonlongafterourdeath，andprogressively，inprogressivedevolution。\'
Geraldlistenedwithafaint，finesmileonhisface，allthetime，asif，somewhere，heknewsomuchbetterthanBirkin，allaboutthis:asifhisownknowledgeweredirectandpersonal，whereasBirkin\'swasamatterofobservationandinference，notquitehittingthenailonthehead:——
thoughaimingnearenoughatit。Buthewasnotgoingtogivehimselfaway。
IfBirkincouldgetatthesecrets，lethim。Geraldwouldneverhelphim。
Geraldwouldbeadarkhorsetotheend。
`Ofcourse，\'hesaid，withastartlingchangeofconversation，`itisfatherwhoreallyfeelsit。Itwillfinishhim。Forhimtheworldcollapses。
AllhiscarenowisforWinnie——hemustsaveWinnie。Hesayssheoughttobesentawaytoschool，butshewon\'thearofit，andhe\'llneverdoit。Ofcoursesheisinratheraqueerway。We\'reallofuscuriouslybadatliving。Wecandothings——butwecan\'tgetonwithlifeatall。
It\'scurious——afamilyfailing。\'
`Sheoughtn\'ttobesentawaytoschool，\'saidBirkin，whowasconsideringanewproposition。
`Sheoughtn\'t。Why？\'
`She\'saqueerchild——aspecialchild，morespecialeventhanyou。
Andinmyopinionspecialchildrenshouldneverbesentawaytoschool。
Onlymoderatelyordinarychildrenshouldbesenttoschool——soitseemstome。\'
`I\'minclinedtothinkjusttheopposite。Ithinkitwouldprobablymakehermorenormalifshewentawayandmixedwithotherchildren。\'
`Shewouldn\'tmix，yousee。Youneverreallymixed，didyou？
Andshewouldn\'tbewillingeventopretendto。She\'sproud，andsolitary，andnaturallyapart。Ifshehasasinglenature，whydoyouwanttomakehergregarious？\'
`No，Idon\'twanttomakeheranything。ButIthinkschoolwouldbegoodforher。\'
