Aboutthetimeyoufindyourselfembarkingonacareerofteasandweddingsyoualsobegintofindyourselfworryingabouttheappearanceofyourhands。Upuntilnowthehandshavegivenyounogreatconcernonewayortheother，butsomedayyouwaketotherealizationthatyouneedtobemanicured。Onceyoucatchthatdiseasethereisnohopeforyou。Therearewaysofcuringyouofalmostanyhabitexceptmanicuring。Yougetsothatyouaren\'tsatisfiedunlessyournailsrundownaboutaquarterofaninchfurtherthannailswereoriginallyintendedtorun，andunlesstheyglitterfreelyyoufeelstrangelydistraughtincompany。
Inasmuchasnomalecreature\'sfingernailswillglitterwiththedesireddegreeofbrilliancyformorethantwenty—fourshortandfleetinghoursafteratreatmentyoufindyourselfconstantlyintheactofeitherjustgettingamanicureorjustgettingoverone。
Itisanexpensivehabit，too;ittakestimeandittakesmoney。
There\'sthefixedchargeformanicuringinthefirstplaceandthenthere\'sthetip。Oncetherewasamanicureladywhowouldn\'ttakeatip，butsheisnownomore。Herindignantsistersstabbedhertodeathwithhatpinsandnail—files。Manicuringasapublicprofessionisacomparativelyrecentdevelopmentofourcivilization。Thefathersoftherepublicandthefoundersoftheconstitution，whichwasfoundedfirstandhasbeenfounderingeversinceifyoucanbelievewhatalotofpeopleinCongresssay——theyknewnothingofmanicuring。Speakingbyandlarge，theyonlygottheirthumbswetwhendoingoneofthreethings——takingabath，goinginswimmingorturningapageinabook。WashingtonprobablywasnevermanicurednorJeffersonnorFranklin;it\'sacinchthatDanielBooneandIsraelPutnamandGeorgeRogersClarkweren\'tandyetitisgenerallyconcededthattheygotalongfairlywellwithoutit。Butasthecampaignoratorsareforeverpointingoutfromthehustlersandtheforum，thisisanagecallingforchangeandadvancement。Andmanicuringisoneoftheadvancementsthatlikewisecallsforthechange——forfiftycentsinchangeanyhowandmoreifyouareinclinedtobegenerouswiththetip。
Shallyoueverforgetyourfirstmanicure？Theshan\'tsareunanimouslyinthemajority。Itseemsaneasythingtowalkintoamanicureparlororabarbershopandshoveyourhandsacrossalittletabletoastrangeyoungwomanandtellhertogoaheadandshine\'emupabit——thewayyouhearoldveteranmanicureessayingit。Itseemseasy，Isay，andlookseasy;butitisn\'taseasyasitseems。Untilyougethardened，itrequirescourageofaveryhighorder。You，theabashednovice，seeothermensittinginthefrontwindowofthemanicureshopjustasdebonairandcozyasthoughthey\'dbeenbornandraisedthere，swappingthereadyreparteeofthedaywithdashingcreaturesofafrequentlyblondeaspect，andyouimaginetheyhavealwaysdoneso。Youlittleknowthatthesepersonswhoarenowappearingsomuchathomeandwhocansnapoutthosebright，wittythingslike\"IgotcherSteve，\"
and\"Well，seewho\'shere？\"withoutamoment\'shesitationandwithouthavingtostopandthinkfortherightwordortherightphrasebuthaveitrightthereonthetipofthetongue——youlittlereckthattheytoopassedthroughthesameinitiationwhichyounowcontemplate。Yetsuchisthecase。
Youhavedressrehearsals——privateones——inyourroom。Intheseclusionofyourbedchamberyoupictureyourselfopeningthedoorofthemarblemanicurehallandsteppinginwithabriskyetgracefultread——likeJamesK。Hackettmakinganentranceinthefirstact——andglancingaboutyoucasually——likeJohnDrewcountingupthehouse——andsaying\"Hellogirlies，how\'reallthelittleHeart\'sDelightsthisafternoon？\"justlikethat，andpickingoutthemostsumptuousandattractiveoftheflatteredyoungladiesinwaiting;andsinkingeasilyintothechairoppositeher——seephotosofWilliamFavershamandthrowingthecoatlapelsback，atthesametimerestingthelefthandclenchedupontheupperthighwiththeelbowwellout——DonaldBrianaskingaladytowaltz——andofferingtherighthandtothefavoredfemaleandtellinghertogoasfarasshelikeswithit。Itsoundssimplewhenyoufiguringitoutalone，butitrarelyworksoutthatwayinpractice。ItismybeliefthateverywomanlongsforthenoveltyofaTurkishbathandeverymanforthenoveltyofamanicurelongbeforeeitherdarestotackleit。Imaybewrongbutthisismybelief。Andinthecaseofthemanheusuallymakesanumberoffalsestarts。
Yougototheportalsandhesitateandthen，stumblingacrossthethreshold，youeitherdiveonthroughtothebarbershop——ifthereisabarbershopinconnection——orelseyoumumblesomethingaboutbeinginahurryandcomingbackagain，andretreatwithallthegraceandeasethatwouldbeshownbyahardshellcrabthatwastryingtobackintothemouthofamilkbottle。Youarelikelytodothisseveraltimes;butfinallysomedayyoustick。Youslumpdownintooneofthoselittlechairsandofferyourhandsoroneofthemtoacalmandslightlyarrogantlookingyoungladyandyoutellhertopleaseshinethemupalittle。Youendeavortoappearasthoughyouhadbeendoingthisatfrequentperiodsstretchingthroughagreatnumberofyears，butshe——blessherlittleheart！——
sheknowsbetterthanthat。Thefemaleofthemanicuringspeciesisnottobedeceivedbyanysuchcheapandtransparentartifices。
Ifyouworeapeekaboowaistshecouldn\'tseethroughyouanyeasier。Yourhandswouldgiveyouawayifyourfacedidn\'t。Inasibulentaside，sheaddressestheyoungladyatthenexttable——
theonewiththeninebraceletsandthehairdoneupdelicatessenstoremode——sausages，rollsandbuns——whereuponbothofthemlaughinasignificant，silveryway，andyoufeelthebackofyournecksettingyourcollaronfire。Youcansmellthebonebuttonbacktherescorchingandyou\'regladit\'snotcelluloid，celluloidbeingmoreinflammableandsubjecttocombustionwhensubjectedtointenseheat。
Whenbothhavelaughedtheirmerryfill，theyoungwomanwhohasyouinchargelooksyourightintheeyeandsays:
\"Dearieme;you\'llpardonmesayingso，butyournailsareinaperfectlyturriblestate。Idon\'tthinkI\'veseenajumpman\'snailsinsuchastateforeversolong。Pardonmeagain——buthowlonghasitbeensinceyouhadthemdid？\"
Towhichyoureplyinwhatismeanttobeajauntyandoff—handtone:
\"Ohquitesomelittlewhile。I\'ve——I\'vebeenoutoftown。\"
\"That\'swhatIthought，\"shesayswithaslightshrug。Itisn\'tsomuchwhatshesays——it\'sthewayshesaysit，thetoneandallthat，whichmakesyoufeelsmallerandsmalleruntilyoucouldcrawlintoyourownwatchpocketandlivehappilythereeverafter。
There\'dbeslewsofroomandwhenyouwantedtheairofaneveningyoucouldclimbupinabuttonholeofyourvestandbequitecosyandcomfortable。Butshrinkasyoumay，thereisnownohopeofescape，forshehasreachedoutandgrabbedyoufirmlybythewrist。Shehasyoufast。Youhaveafeelingthateightorninethousandpeoplehaveassembledbehindyouandareallgazingfixedlyintothesmallofyourback。Theonlythingsaboutyouthathaven\'tshrivelledupareyourhands。Youcanfeelthemgrowinglargerandlargerandredderandredderandmoreprominentandconspicuouseveryinstant。
Theladybeginsoperations。Youareastonishedtonotehowmanytoolsandimplementsittakestomanicureapairofhandsproperly。
Thetopofherlittletableisfullofthemandshepullsopenadrawerandshowsyousomemore，rangedinrows。Therearefilesandsteelbitersandpigeon—toedscissorsandscrapersandpolishersandthings;andwadsofcottonwithwhichtostaunchthebloodofthewounded，andbottlesofliquidandlittlemedicinallookingjarsfullofredpaste;andacutglasscrockwithsoapsudsinitandawholelotoflittleorangewoodstobbers。
IntheinterestoftruthIhavetakenthepainstoenquireandI
haveascertainedthatthesestobbersareinvariablyoforangewood。Saywhatyouwill，theorangetreeisahardygrowth。
EveryFebruaryyoureadinthepapersthattheFloridaorangecrop，forthethirdconsecutivetimesinceChristmashasbeenentirelyandtotallydestroyedbyfrostandyetthereisalwaysanadequatesupplyonhandoftheprincipalproductsoftheorange—phosphateforthesodafountains，blossomsforthebride，politicalsentimentfortheNorthofIrelandandlittlesharpstobbersforthemanicurelady。SpeakingasanoutsiderIwouldsaythatthereoughttobeothervarietiesofwoodthatwouldserveaswellandbringaboutthedesiredresultsasreadily——agoodthornyvarietyofpoisonivyoughttofillthebill，Ishouldthink。Butitseemsthatorangewoodisabsolutelyessential。AmanicureladycouldnomoredoamanicureproperlywithoutusinganorangewoodstobberatcertainperiodsthanacartoonistcoulddrawapictureofamaninjailwithoutputtingaballandchainonhimorasummerresortcouldgetalongwithoutaLover\'sLeapwithineasywalkingdistanceofthehotel。Itsimplyisn\'tdone，that\'sall。
Well，asIwassaying，shegetsouthertoolkitandgoestoworkonyou。Youdidn\'tdreamthatthereweresomanythings——mainlyofapainfulnature——thatcouldbedonetoasinglefingernailandyouflinchasyousuddenlyrememberthatyouhavetenoftheminall，countingthumbsinwithfingers。Shetakesafingernailinhandandshefilesitandshetrimsitandshesoftensitwithhotwaterandhardensitwithchemicalsandparboilsitalittlewhileandthenshecutsoffthehangnails——iftherearen\'tanyhangnailstherealreadyshe\'llmakeafew——andsheshearsawayenoughextracuticletocoverquiteagood—sizedlittleboy。Shegoesoveryouwithabristlebrush，andwarmsupyournerveendsuntilyoutingleclearbacktoyourdorsalfinandthenshetakesoneofthoseorangewoodstobberspreviouslyreferredto，andgoesonanexploringexpeditiondownunderthenail，lookingforthequick。
Shealwaysfindsit。Thereisnorecordofafailuretofindthequick。Havingfounditsheproceedstowakeitupandteachitsomeparlortricks。Imaynothavesetforthallthesevariousdetailsintheexactorderinwhichtheytakeplace，butIknowshedoesthemall。Andsomewherealongaboutthetimewhensheishalfwaythroughwiththefirsthandshemakesyouputtheotherhandinthesuds。
Lateronwhenyouhavehadmorepracticeatthisthingyoulearntowaitforthesignalbeforeplungingthesecondhandintothesuds，butbeinggreenonthisoccasion，youareapttomistakethemovingofthecrockofsudsoverfromtherighthandsidetothelefthandsideasanoticeandtopokeyouruntouchedhandrightinwithoutfurtherorders，hopingtogetitsoftenedupwellsoastosavehertroubleintrimmingitdowntoasizewhichwillsuither。Butthisiswrong——thisisverywrong，asshetellsyoupromptly，withapityingsmileforyourignorance。
Manicuregirlsareascarefulaboutboilingahandassomeparticularpeopleareaboutbailingtheireggsforbreakfastofamorning。Atwominutehandisnopleasuretoherabsolutelyifshehasdiagnosedyourhandasonecallingforsixminutes，orviceversa。So，shouldyouerrinthisregardshewillsnatchtheoffendinghandoutandwipeitoffandgiveitbacktoyouandtellyoutokeepitinadryplaceuntilshecallsforit。
Manicuregirlsareveryfunnythatway。
Thustimepassesonandonandbydegreesyoubegintofeelmoreandmoreathome。Yourbashfulnessiswearingoff。Thecoherentpowerofspeechhasreturnedtoyouandyouhaveexchangedviewswithherontherelativemeritsofthebetterknownbrandsofchewinggumandwhichkindholdstheflavorlongest，andyouhaveswappedideasontheissueofwhetherladiesshouldorshouldnotsmokecigarettesinpublicandsheknowshowmuchyourstickpincostyouandyouknowwhatherfavoritefloweris。Youaregettingalongfine，whenallofasuddenshedabsyournailswitharedpasteandthensnatchesupakindofapolishingtoolandferociouslyrubsyourfingersuntiltheycatchonfire。Justwhentheconflagrationthreatenstobecomegeneralshestopsusingthepolisherandproceedstocooldowntheruinsbygentlyburnishingyournailsagainstthesoft，pinkpalmofherhand。Youlikethisbetterthantheotherway。Youcouldigniteyourselfbyfrictionalmostanytime，ifyougotholdoftherightkindofachamoisskinrubber，butthisisquitedifferentandhighlysoothing。
Youarebeginningtoreallyenjoythesensationwhensheroguishlypatsthebackofyourhand——pittypat——asasignalthattheoperationisnowover。Youpaythecheckandtipthelady——tipherfiftycentsifyouwishtoberegardedasalovelyjumpmanoronlytwenty—fivecentsifyouaresatisfiedwithbeingavurrynicefella——andyousecureyourhatandstepforthintotheopenwiththefeelingofonewhohastakenatripintoadistantdomainandonthewholehasratherenjoyedit。
Youstandinthesunlightandwaggleyourfingersandyouarestruckwiththedesirableglitterthatflitsfromfingertiptofingertiplikeaheleographwinkingonamountaintop。Itisindeedapleasingspectacle。Youdecidethathereafteryouwillalwaysglitterso。Itischeaperthanwearingdiamondsandmuchmorerefined，andsoyoutakegoodcareofyourfingersallthatdayandcarefullyrefrainfromdippingtheminthebrinewhileengagedinthewellknownindoorsportofspearingfordillpicklesatthebusinessmen\'slunch。
Butthenextmorningwhenyouwakeupthedesirableglitterisgone。Youonlyglimmerdully——yourfingersdonotsparkleanddazzleandscintillateastheydid。AsFrancoisVillon，theFrenchpoetwouldundoubtedlyhavesaidhadmanicuresbeenknownatthetimehewaswritinghispoems，\"Wherearethemanicuresofyesterday？\"insteadofmakingit，\"Wherearethesnowsofyesteryear？\"therebeingnoanswerreadyforeitherquestion，exceptthatthemanicuresofyesterdaylikethesnowsofyesteryeararenevertherewhenyoustartlookingforthem。Theyhavejustnaturallygotupandgoneaway，leavingnoforwardingaddress。
Youhavenowbeenlauncheduponyourcareerasamanicuree。Younevergetoverit。Youeithergetmarriedandyourwifedoesyournailsforyou，thussavingyoulargesumsofmoney，butfailingtoimpartthehighdegreeofpolishandthespiceofromancenoticedinconnectionwiththesamejobwhendoneawayfromhome，oryoucontinuetopatronizetheregularestablishmentsandbecomeknownintimeasPolishedPercival，thePetoftheManicureParlor。Butineithereventyourhandswhichoncewerehandsandnothingmore，havebecomeasourceofaddedtroubleandexpensetoyou。
Speakingofhandsnaturallybringsonetothesubjectoffeet，whichwasintendedoriginallytobethethemeforthelasthalfofthischapter，butunfortunatelyIfindIhavedevotedsomuchspacetoyourhandsthatthereisbutlittleroomleftforyourfeetandsofarasyourfeetareconcerned，wemustcontentourselvesonthisoccasionwithafewgeneralstatements。
Feet，Itakeit，speakingbothfromexperienceandobservation，areevenmoretroubletousthanhandsare。Therearestillagoodmanyofusleftwhogothroughlifewithoutdoinganythingmuchforourhandsbutwithourfeetitisdifferent。Theythrustthemselvesuponussotospeak，demandingcareandattention。Thisgoesforallsizesandallagesoffeet。Fromthetimeyouareasmallboyandsufferfromstonebruisesinthesummerandchilblainsinthewinter，onthroughlifeyou\'rebesetwithcornsandcallousesandfallingoftheinstepandalltheotherillsthatfeetareheirto。
Therichlimpwiththegout，themoderatelywelltodocontentthemselveswithanactiveingrownnailorso，andthepoormangoesoutanddropsanironcastingonhistoe。Nearlyeverymalewholivestoreachthevotingagehasaperiodofmentalweaknessinhisyouthwhenhewearsthosepointedshoesthatturnupattheends，likesleighrunners;andspendstherestofhisliferegrettingit。Feetarecertainlyungratefulthings。Imightsaythattheyareproverbiallyungrateful。Youdoforthemandtheydoyou。Yougetonecorn，hardorsoft，cureduporremovedbodilyandawholecrowdofitsrelativescometotakeitsplace。
IimaginethatNatureintendedweshouldgobarefootedandisnowgettingevenwithusbecausewedidn\'t。Ourpoor，painfulfeetgowithusthroughalltheyearsandeverystepinlifeismarkedbyapangofsomesort。Andrightonuptotheendofourdays，ourfeetaregettingmoreinfirmandmoretroublesomeandmorecrotchetyandhardertobearwithallthetime。Howmanyarethererightnowwhohaveonefootinthegraveandtheotheratthechiropodist\'s？Thousands，Ireckon。
Napoleonsaidanarmytraveledonitsstomach。Idon\'tblamethearmy，farfromit;I\'veoftenwishedIcouldtravelthatwaymyself，andI\'venodoubtsohaseveryothermanwhoevercrowdedanumbernineandthree—quartersfootintoanumbereightpatent—leathershoe，andthenwenttocallonfriendsresidinginasteam—heatedapartment。Aswhatmanhasnot？Oncethegreen—corndancewasanexclusivethingwiththeSiouxIndians，butitmaynowbewitnessedwhenonemanstepsonanotherman\'stoesinacrowd。
Weareaccustomedtomakefunofthehumblewormofthedustbutinonerespectthehumblewormcertainlyhasitonus。Hegoesthroughexistencewithoutanyhandsandanyfeettobotherhim。
IndeedinthisregardIcanthinkofbutonecreatureinallcreationwhoisworseoffthanwepoorhumansare。Thatisthelowlyearwig。Thinkofbeinganearwig，thatsuffersfromfallenarcheshimselfandhasawifethatsuffersfromcoldfeet！
