第1章

Inadentist\'soperatingroomonafineAugustmorningin1896。NottheusualtinyLondonden，butthebestsittingroomofafurnishedlodginginaterraceontheseafrontatafashionablewateringplace。 Theoperatingchair，withagaspumpandcylinderbesideit，ishalfwaybetweenthecentreoftheroomandoneofthecorners。Ifyoulookintotheroomthroughthewindowwhichlightsit，youwillseethefireplaceinthemiddleofthewalloppositeyou，withthedoorbesideittoyourleft；anM。R。C。S。diplomainaframehungonthechimneypiece；aneasychaircoveredinblackleatheronthehearth；aneatstoolandbench，withvice，tools，andamortarandpestleinthecornertotheright。 Nearthisbenchstandsaslendermachinelikeawhipprovidedwithastand，apedal，andanexaggeratedwinch。Recognisingthisasadentaldrill，youshudderandlookawaytoyourleft，whereyoucanseeanotherwindow，underneathwhichstandsawritingtable，withablotterandadiaryonit，andachair。Nextthewritingtable，towardsthedoor，isaleathercoveredsofa。Theoppositewall，closeonyourright，isoccupiedmostlybyabookcase。Theoperatingchairisunderyournose，facingyou，withthecabinetofinstrumentshandytoitonyourleft。 Youobservethattheprofessionalfurnitureandapparatusarenew，andthatthewallpaper，designed，withthetasteofanundertaker，infestoonsandurns，thecarpetwithitssymmetricalplansofrich，cabbagynosegays，theglassgasalierwithlustres；theornamentalgiltrimmedbluecandlesticksontheendsofthemantelshelf，alsoglass- drapedwithlustres，andtheormoluclockunderaglass-coverinthemiddlebetweenthem，itsuselessnessemphasizedbyacheapAmericanclockdisrespectfullyplacedbesideitandnowindicating12o\'clocknoon，allcombinewiththeblackmarblewhichgivesthefireplacetheairofaminiaturefamilyvault，tosuggestearlyVictoriancommercialrespectability，beliefinmoney，Biblefetichism，fearofhellalwaysatwarwithfearofpoverty，instinctivehorrorofthepassionatecharacterofart，loveandRomanCatholicreligion，andallthefirstfruitsofplutocracyintheearlygenerationsoftheindustrialrevolution。 Thereisnoshadowofthisonthetwopersonswhoareoccupyingtheroomjustnow。Oneofthem，averyprettywomaninminiature，hertinyfiguredressedwiththedaintiestgaiety，isofalatergeneration，beinghardlyeighteenyet。Thisdarlinglittlecreatureclearlydoesnotbelongtotheroom，oreventothecountry；forhercomplexion，thoughverydelicate，hasbeenburntbiscuitcolorbysomewarmersunthanEngland\'s；andyetthereis，foraverysubtleobserver，alinkbetweenthem。Forshehasaglassofwaterinherhand，andarapidlyclearingcloudofSpartanobstinacyonhertinyfirmsetmouthandquaintlysquaredeyebrows。Iftheleastlineofconsciencecouldbetracedbetweenthoseeyebrows，anEvangelicalmightcherishsomefainthopeoffindingherasheepinwolf\'sclothing-forherfrockisrecklesslypretty-butasthecloudvanishesitleavesherfrontalsinusassmoothlyfreefromconvictionofsinasakitten\'s。 Thedentist，contemplatingherwiththeself-satisfactionofasuccessfuloperator，isayoungmanofthirtyorthereabouts。Hedoesnotgivetheimpressionofbeingmuchofaworkman:hisprofessionalmannerevidentlystrikeshimasbeingajoke，andisunderlainbyathoughtlesspleasantrywhichbetraystheyounggentlemanstillunsettledandinsearchofamusingadventures，behindthenewlyset-updentistinsearchofpatients。Heisnotwithoutgravityofdemeanor；butthestrainednostrilsstampitasthegravityofthehumorist。Hiseyesareclear，alert，ofscepticallymoderatesize，andyetalittlerash；hisforeheadisanexcellentone，withplentyofroombehindit；hisnoseandchincavalierlyhandsome。Onthewhole，anattractive，noticeablebeginner，ofwhoseprospectsamanofbusinessmightformatolerablyfavorableestimate。 THEYOUNGLADY(handinghimtheglass)。Thankyou。(Inspiteofthebiscuitcomplexionshehasnottheslightestforeignaccent。) THEDENTIST(puttingitdownontheledgeofhiscabinetofinstruments)。Thatwasmyfirsttooth。 THEYOUNGLADY(aghast)。Yourfirst!Doyoumeantosaythatyoubeganpractisingonme？ THEDENTIST。Everydentisthastobeginonsomebody。 THEYOUNGLADY。Yes:somebodyinahospital，notpeoplewhopay。 THEDENTIST(laughing)。Oh，thehospitaldoesn\'tcount。Ionlymeantmyfirsttoothinprivatepractice。Whydidn\'tyouletmegiveyougas？ THEYOUNGLADY。Becauseyousaiditwouldbefiveshillingsextra。 THEDENTIST(shocked)。Oh，don\'tsaythat。ItmakesmefeelasifI hadhurtyouforthesakeoffiveshillings。 THEYOUNGLADY(withcoolinsolence)。Well，soyouhave!(Shegetsup。)Whyshouldn\'tyou？it\'syourbusinesstohurtpeople。(Itamuseshimtobetreatedinthisfashion:hechucklessecretlyasheproceedstocleanandreplacehisinstruments。Sheshakesherdressintoorder； looksinquisitivelyabouther；andgoestothewindow。)Youhaveagoodviewoftheseafromtheserooms!Aretheyexpensive？ THEDENTIST。Yes。 THEYOUNGLADY。Youdon\'townthewholehouse，doyou？ THEDENTIST。No。 THEYOUNGLADY(takingthechairwhichstandsatthewriting-tableandlookingcriticallyatitasshespinsitroundononeleg。)Yourfurnitureisn\'tquitethelatestthing，isit？ THEDENTIST。It\'smylandlord\'s。 THEYOUNGLADY。DoesheownthatnicecomfortableBathchair？ (pointingtotheoperatingchair。) THEDENTIST。No:Ihavethatonthehire-purchasesystem。 THEYOUNGLADY(disparagingly)。Ithoughtso。(Lookingaboutheragaininsearchoffurtherconclusions。)Isupposeyouhaven\'tbeenherelong？ THEDENTIST。Sixweeks。Isthereanythingelseyouwouldliketoknow？ THEYOUNGLADY(thehintquitelostonher)。Anyfamily？ THEDENTIST。Iamnotmarried。 THEYOUNGLADY。Ofcoursenot:anybodycanseethat。Imeantsistersandmotherandthatsortofthing。 THEDENTIST。Notonthepremises。 THEYOUNGLADY。Hm!Ifyou\'vebeenheresixweeks，andminewasyourfirsttooth，thepracticecan\'tbeverylarge，canit？ THEDENTIST。Notasyet。(Heshutsthecabinet，havingtidiedupeverything。) THEYOUNGLADY。Well，goodluck!(Shetakesourherpurse。)Fiveshillings，yousaiditwouldbe？ THEDENTIST。Fiveshillings。 THEYOUNGLADY(producingacrownpiece)。Doyouchargefiveshillingsforeverything？ THEDENTIST。Yes。 THEYOUNGLADY。Why？ THEDENTIST。It\'smysystem。I\'mwhat\'scalledafiveshillingdentist。 THEYOUNGLADY。Hownice!Well，here!(holdingupthecrownpiece)anicenewfiveshillingpiece!yourfirstfee!Makeaholeinitwiththethingyoudrillpeople\'steethwithandwearitonyourwatch-chain。 THEDENTIST。Thankyou。 THEPARLORMAID(appearingatthedoor)。Theyounglady\'sbrother，sir。 Ahandsomemaninminiature，obviouslytheyounglady\'stwin，comesineagerly。Hewearsasuitofterra-cottacashmere，theelegantlycutfrockcoatlinedinbrownsilk，andcarriesinhishandabrowntallhatandtanglovestomatch。Hehashissister\'sdelicatebiscuitcomplexion，andisbuiltonthesamesmallscale；butheiselasticandstronginmuscle，decisiveinmovement，unexpectedlydeeptonedandtrenchantinspeech，andwithperfectmannersandafinishedpersonalstylewhichmightbeenviedbyamantwicehisage。Suavityandself- possessionarepointsofhonorwithhim；andthoughthis，rightlyconsidered，isonlythemodernmodeofboyishself-consciousness，itseffectisnonethelessstaggeringtohiselders，andwouldbeinsufferableinalessprepossessingyouth。Heispromptitudeitself，andhasaquestionreadythemomentheenters。 THEYOUNGGENTLEMAN。AmIontime？ THEYOUNGLADY。No:it\'sallover。 THEYOUNGGENTLEMAN。Didyouhowl？ THEYOUNGLADY。Oh，somethingawful。Mr。Valentine:thisismybrotherPhil。Phil:thisisMr。Valentine，ournewdentist。(ValentineandPhilbowtooneanother。Sheproceeds，allinonebreath。)He\'sonlybeenheresixweeks；andhe\'sabachelor。Thehouseisn\'this；andthefurnitureisthelandlord\'s；buttheprofessionalplantishired。 Hegotmytoothoutbeautifullyatthefirstgo；andheandIaregreatfriends。 PHILIP。Beenaskingalotofquestions？ THEYOUNGLADY(asifincapableofdoingsuchathing)。Oh，no。 PHILIP。Gladtohearit。(ToValentine。)Sogoodofyounottomindus，Mr。Valentine。Thefactis，we\'veneverbeeninEnglandbefore；andourmothertellsusthatthepeopleheresimplywon\'tstandus。Comeandlunchwithus。(Valentine，bewilderedbytheleapsandboundswithwhichtheiracquaintanceshipisproceeding，gasps；buthehasnoopportunityofspeaking，astheconversationofthetwinsisswiftandcontinuous。) THEYOUNGLADY。Oh，do，Mr。Valentine。 PHILIP。AttheMarineHotel-halfpastone。 THEYOUNGLADY。WeshallbeabletotellmammathatarespectableEnglishmanhaspromisedtolunchwithus。 PHILIP。Saynomore，Mr。Valentine:you\'llcome。 VALENTINE。Saynomore!Ihaven\'tsaidanything。MayIaskwhomI havethepleasureofentertaining？It\'sreallyquiteimpossibleformetolunchattheMarineHotelwithtwoperfectstrangers。 THEYOUNGLADY(flippantly)。Ooooh!whatbosh!Onepatientinsixweeks!Whatdifferencedoesitmaketoyou？ PHILIP(maturely)。No，Dolly:myknowledgeofhumannatureconfirmsMr。Valentine\'sjudgment。Heisright。LetmeintroduceMissDorothyClandon，commonlycalledDolly。(ValentinebowstoDolly。Shenodstohim。)I\'mPhilipClandon。We\'refromMadeira，butperfectlyrespectable，sofar。 VALENTINE。Clandon!Areyourelatedto—— DOLLY(unexpectedlycryingoutindespair)。Yes，weare。 VALENTINE(astonished)。Ibegyourpardon？ DOLLY。Oh，weare，weare。It\'sallover，Phil:theyknowallaboutusinEngland。(ToValentine。)Oh，youcan\'tthinkhowmaddeningitistoberelatedtoacelebratedperson，andneverbevaluedanywhereforourownsakes。 VALENTINE。Butexcuseme:thegentlemanIwasthinkingofisnotcelebrated。 DOLLY(staringathim)。Gentleman!(Philisalsopuzzled。) VALENTINE。Yes。IwasgoingtoaskwhetheryouwerebyanychanceadaughterofMr。DensmoreClandonofNewburyHall。 DOLLY(vacantly)。No。 PHILIP。Wellcome，Dolly:howdoyouknowyou\'renot？ DOLLY(cheered)。Oh，Iforgot。Ofcourse。PerhapsIam。 VALENTINE。Don\'tyouknow？ PHILIP。Notintheleast。 DOLLY。It\'sawisechild—— PHILIP(cuttinghershort)。Sh!(Valentinestartsnervously；forthesoundmadebyPhilip，thoughbutmomentary，islikecuttingasheetofsilkintwowithaflashoflightning。ItistheresultoflongpracticeincheckingDolly\'sindiscretions。)Thefactis，Mr。 Valentine，wearethechildrenofthecelebratedMrs。LanfreyClandon，anauthoressofgreatrepute-inMadeira。Nohouseholdiscompletewithoutherworks。WecametoEnglandtogetawayfromthem。ThearecalledtheTwentiethCenturyTreatises。 DOLLY。TwentiethCenturyCooking。 PHILIP。TwentiethCenturyCreeds。 DOLLY。TwentiethCenturyClothing。 PHILIP。TwentiethCenturyConduct。 DOLLY。TwentiethCenturyChildren。 PHILIP。TwentiethCenturyParents。 DOLLY。Clothlimp，halfadollar。 PHILIP。Ormountedonlinenforhardfamilyuse，twodollars。Nofamilyshouldbewithoutthem。Readthem，Mr。Valentine:they\'llimproveyourmind。 DOLLY。Butnottillwe\'vegone，please。 PHILIP。Quiteso:wepreferpeoplewithunimprovedminds。Ourownmindsareinthatfreshandunspoiledcondition。 VALENTINE(dubiously)。Hm! DOLLY(echoinghiminquiringly)。Hm？Phil:hepreferspeoplewhosemindsareimproved。 PHILIP。Inthatcaseweshallhavetointroducehimtotheothermemberofthefamily:theWomanoftheTwentiethCentury；oursisterGloria! DOLLY(dithyrambically)。Nature\'smasterpiece! PHILIP。Learning\'sdaughter! DOLLY。Madeira\'spride! PHILIP。Beauty\'sparagon! DOLLY(suddenlydescendingtoprose)。Bosh!Nocomplexion。 VALENTINE(desperately)。MayIhaveaword？ PHILIP(politely)。Excuseus。Goahead。 DOLLY(verynicely)。Sosorry。 VALENTINE(attemptingtotakethempaternally)。Ireallymustgiveahinttoyouyoungpeople—— DOLLY(breakingoutagain)。Oh，come:Ilikethat。Howoldareyou？ PHILIP。Overthirty。 DOLLY。He\'snot。 PHILIP(confidently)。Heis。 DOLLY(emphatically)。Twenty-seven。 PHILIP(imperturbably)。Thirty-three。 DOLLY。Stuff! PHILIP(toValentine)。Iappealtoyou，Mr。Valentine。 VALENTINE(remonstrating)。Well，really——(resigninghimself。) Thirty-one。 PHILIP(toDolly)。Youwerewrong。 DOLLY。Sowereyou。 PHILIP(suddenlyconscientious)。We\'reforgettingourmanners，Dolly。 DOLLY(remorseful)。Yes，soweare。 PHILIP(apologetic)。Weinterruptedyou，Mr。Valentine。 DOLLY。Youweregoingtoimproveourminds，Ithink。 VALENTINE。Thefactis，your—— PHILIP(anticipatinghim)。Ourappearance？ DOLLY。Ourmanners？ VALENTINE(admisericordiam)。Oh，doletmespeak。 DOLLY。Theoldstory。Wetalktoomuch。 PHILIP。Wedo。Shutup，both。(Heseatshimselfonthearmoftheopposingchair。) DOLLY。Mum!(Shesitsdowninthewriting-tablechair，andclosesherlipstightwiththetipsofherfingers。) VALENTINE。Thankyou。(Hebringsthestoolfromthebenchinthecorner；placesitbetweenthem；andsitsdownwithajudicialair。Theyattendtohimwithextremegravity。HeaddresseshimselffirsttoDolly。)NowmayIask，tobeginwith，haveyoueverbeeninanEnglishseasideresortbefore？(Sheshakesherheadslowlyandsolemnly。HeturnstoPhil，whoshakeshisheadquicklyandexpressively。)Ithoughtso。Well，Mr。Clandon，ouracquaintancehasbeenshort；butithasbeenvoluble；andIhavegatheredenoughtoconvincemethatyouareneitherofyoucapableofconceivingwhatlifeinanEnglishseasideresortis。 Believeme，it\'snotaquestionofmannersandappearance。InthoserespectsweenjoyafreedomunknowninMadeira。(Dollyshakesherheadvehemently。)Oh，yes，Iassureyou。LorddeCresci\'ssisterbicyclesinknickerbockers；andtherector\'swifeadvocatesdressreformandwearshygienicboots。(Dollyfurtivelylooksatherownshoe:Valentinecatchesherintheact，anddeftlyadds)No，that\'snotthesortofbootImean。(Dolly\'sshoevanishes。)Wedon\'tbothermuchaboutdressandmannersinEngland，because，asanationwedon\'tdresswellandwe\'venomanners。But-andnowwillyouexcusemyfrankness？(Theynod。)Thankyou。Well，inaseasideresortthere\'sonethingyoumusthavebeforeanybodycanaffordtobeseengoingaboutwithyou；andthat\'safather，aliveordead。(Helooksatthemalternately，withemphasis。Theymeethisgazelikemartyrs。)AmItoinferthatyouhaveomittedthatindispensablepartofyoursocialequipment？(Theyconfirmhimbymelancholynods。)ThemI\'msorrytosaythatifyouaregoingtostayhereforanylengthoftime，itwillbeimpossibleformetoacceptyourkindinvitationtolunch。(Heriseswithanairoffinality，andreplacesthestoolbythebench。) PHILIP(risingwithgravepoliteness)。Come，Dolly。(Hegivesherhisarm。) DOLLY。Goodmorning。(Theygotogethertothedoorwithperfectdignity。) VALENTINE(overwhelmedwithremorse)。Oh，stop，stop。(Theyhaltandturn，arminarm。)Youmakemefeelaperfectbeast。 DOLLY。That\'syourconscience:notus。 VALENTINE(energetically，throwingoffallpretenceofaprofessionalmanner)。Myconscience!Myconsciencehasbeenmyruin。Listentome。 TwicebeforeIhavesetupasarespectablemedicalpractitionerinvariouspartsofEngland。OnbothoccasionsIactedconscientiously，andtoldmypatientsthebrutetruthinsteadofwhattheywantedtobetold。Result，ruin。NowI\'vesetupasadentist，afiveshillingdentist；andI\'vedonewithconscienceforever。Thisismylastchance。 Ispentmylastsovereignonmovingin；andIhaven\'tpaidashillingofrentyet。I\'meatinganddrinkingoncredit；mylandlordisasrichasaJewandashardasnails；andI\'vemadefiveshillingsinsixweeks。 IfIswervebyahair\'sbreadthfromthestraightlineofthemostrigidrespectability，I\'mdonefor。Undersuchacircumstance，isitfairtoaskmetolunchwithyouwhenyoudon\'tknowyourownfather？ DOLLY。Afterall，ourgrandfatherisacanonofLincolnCathedral。 VALENTINE(likeacastawaymarinerwhoseesasailonthehorizon)。 What!Haveyouagrandfather？ DOLLY。Onlyone。 VALENTINE。Mydear，goodyoungfriends，whyonearthdidn\'tyoutellmethatbefore？AcannonofLincoln!Thatmakesitallright，ofcourse。JustexcusemewhileIchangemycoat。(Hereachesthedoorinaboundandvanishes。DollyandPhilstareafterhim，andthenstareatoneanother。Missingtheiraudience，theydroopandbecomecommonplaceatonce。) PHILIP(throwingawayDolly\'sarmandcomingill-humoredlytowardstheoperatingchair)。Thatwretchedbankruptivorysnatchermakesacomplimentofallowingustostandhimalunch-probablythefirstsquaremealhehashadformonths。(Hegivesthechairakick，asifitwereValentine。) DOLLY。It\'stoobeastly。Iwon\'tstanditanylonger，Phil。HereinEnglandeverybodyaskswhetheryouhaveafathertheveryfirstthing。 PHILIP。Iwon\'tstanditeither。Mammamusttelluswhohewas。 DOLLY。Orwhoheis。Hemaybealive。 PHILIP。Ihopenot。Nomanaliveshallfatherme。 DOLLY。Hemighthavealotofmoney，though。 PHILIP。Idoubtit。Myknowledgeofhumannatureleadsmetobelievethatifhehadalotofmoneyhewouldn\'thavegotridofhisaffectionatefamilysoeasily。Anyhow，let\'slookatthebrightsideofthings。Dependonit，he\'sdead。(Hegoestothehearthandstandswithhisbacktothefireplace，spreadinghimself。Theparlormaidappears。Thetwins，underobservation，instantlyshineoutagainwiththeirformerbrilliancy。) THEPARLORMAID。Twoladiesforyou，miss。Yourmotherandsister，miss，Ithink。 Mrs。ClandonandGloriacomein。Mrs。Clandonisbetweenfortyandfifty，withaslighttendencytosoft，sedentaryfat，andafairremainderofgoodlooks，nonetheworsepreservedbecauseshehasevidentlyfollowedtheoldtribalmatronlyfashionofmakingnopretensioninthatdirectionafterhermarriage，andmightalmostbesuspectedofwearingacapathome。Shecarriesherselfartificiallywell，aswomenweretaughttodoasapartofgoodmannersbydancingmastersandrecliningboardsbeforetheseweresupersededbythemodernartisticcultofbeautyandhealth。Herhair，aflaxenhazelfadingintowhite，iscrimped，andpartedinthemiddlewiththeendsplaitedandmadeintoaknot，fromwhichobservantpeopleofacertainageinferthatMrs。Clandonhadsufficientindividualityandgoodtastetostandoutresolutelyagainstthenowforgottenchignoninhergirlhood。Inshort，sheisdistinctlyoldfashionedforherageindressandmanners。 Butshebelongstotheforefrontofherownperiod(say1860-80)inajealouslyassertiveattitudeofcharacterandintellect，andinbeingawomanofcultivatedinterestsratherthanpassionatelydevelopedpersonalaffections。Hervoiceandwaysareentirelykindlyandhumane； andshelendsherselfconscientiouslytotheoccasionaldemonstrationsoffondnessbywhichherchildrenmarktheiresteemforher；butdisplaysofpersonalsentimentsecretlyembarrassher:passioninherishumanitarianratherthanhuman:shefeelsstronglyaboutsocialquestionsandprinciples，notaboutpersons。Only，oneobservesthatthisreasonablenessandintensepersonalprivacy，whichleavesherrelationswithGloriaandPhilmuchastheymightbebetweenherandthechildrenofanyotherwoman，breaksdowninthecaseofDolly。Thoughalmosteverywordsheaddressestoherisnecessarilyinthenatureofaremonstranceforsomebreachofdecorum，thetendernessinhervoiceisunmistakable；anditisnotsurprisingthatyearsofsuchremonstrancehaveleftDollyhopelesslyspoiled。 Gloria，whoishardlypasttwenty，isamuchmoreformidablepersonthanhermother。Sheistheincarnationofhaughtyhighmindedness，ragingwiththeimpatienceofanimpetuous，dominativecharacterparalyzedbytheimpotenceofheryouth，andunwillinglydisciplinedbytheconstantdangerofridiculefromherlighter-handedjuniors。Unlikehermother，sheisallpassion；andtheconflictofherpassionwithherobstinateprideandintensefastidiousnessresultsinafreezingcoldnessofmanner。Inanuglywomanallthiswouldberepulsive；butGloriaisanattractivewoman。Herdeepchestnuthair，olivebrownskin，longeyelashes，shadedgreyeyesthatoftenflashlikestars，delicatelyturnedfulllips，andcompactandsupple，butmuscularlyplumpfigureappealwithdisdainfulfranknesstothesensesandimagination。Averydangerousgirl，onewouldsay，ifthemoralpassionswerenotalsomarked，andevennoblymarked，inafinebrow。 Hertailor-madeskirt-and-jacketdressofsaffronbrowncloth，seemsconventionalwhenherbackisturned；butitdisplaysinfrontablouseofsea-greensilkwhichupsetsitsconventionalitywithonestroke，andsetsherapartaseffectuallyasthetwinsfromtheordinaryrunoffashionableseasidehumanity。 Mrs。Clandoncomesalittlewayintotheroom，lookingroundtoseewhoispresent。Gloria，whostudiouslyavoidsencouragingthetwinsbybetrayinganyinterestinthem，wanderstothewindowandlooksoutwithherthoughtsfaraway。Theparlormaid，insteadofwithdrawing，shutsthedoorandwaitsatit。 MRS。CLANDON。Well，children？Howisthetoothache，Dolly？ DOLLY。Cured，thankHeaven。I\'vehaditout。(Shesitsdownonthestepoftheoperatingchair。Mrs。Clandontakesthewriting-tablechair。) PHILIP(strikingingravelyfromthehearth)。Andthedentist，afirst-rateprofessionalmanofthehigheststanding，iscomingtolunchwithus。 MRS。CLANDON(lookingroundapprehensivelyattheservant)。Phil! THEPARLORMAID。Begpardon，ma\'am。I\'mwaitingforMr。Valentine。 Ihaveamessageforhim。 DOLLY。Whofrom？ MRS。CLANDON(shocked)。Dolly!(Dollycatchesherlipswithherfingertips，suppressingalittlesplutterofmirth。) THEPARLORMAID。Onlythelandlord，ma\'am。 Valentine，inabluesergesuit，withastrawhatinhishand，comesbackinhighspirits，outofbreathwiththehastehehasmade。Gloriaturnsfromthewindowandstudieshimwithfreezingattention。 PHILIP。Letmeintroduceyou，Mr。Valentine。Mymother，Mrs。 LanfreyClandon。(Mrs。Clandonbows。Valentinebows，self-possessedandquiteequaltotheoccasion。)MysisterGloria。(Gloriabowswithcolddignityandsitsdownonthesofa。Valentinefallsinloveatfirstsightandismiserablyconfused。Hefingershishatnervously，andmakesherasneakingbow。) MRS。CLANDON。Iunderstandthatwearetohavethepleasureofseeingyouatluncheonto-day，Mr。Valentine。 VALENTINE。Thankyou——er——ifyoudon\'tmind——Imeanifyouwillbesokind——(totheparlormaidtestily)Whatisit？ THEPARLORMAID。Thelandlord，sir，wishestospeaktoyoubeforeyougoout。 VALENTINE。Oh，tellhimIhavefourpatientshere。(TheClandonslooksurprised，exceptPhil，whoisimperturbable。)Ifhewouldn\'tmindwaitingjusttwominutes，I——I\'llslipdownandseehimforamoment。 (Throwinghimselfconfidentiallyonhersenseoftheposition。)SayI\'mbusy，butthatIwanttoseehim。 THEPARLORMAID(reassuringly)。Yes，sir。(Shegoes。) MRS。CLANDON(onthepointofrising)。Wearedetainingyou，Iamafraid。 VALENTINE。Notatall，notatall。Yourpresenceherewillbethegreatesthelptome。Thefactis，Iowesixweek\'srent；andI\'vehadnopatientsuntilto-day。Myinterviewwithmylandlordwillbeconsiderablysmoothedbytheapparentboominmybusiness。 DOLLY(vexed)。Oh，howtiresomeofyoutoletitallout!Andwe\'vejustbeenpretendingthatyouwerearespectableprofessionalmaninafirst-rateposition。 MRS。CLANDON(horrified)。Oh，Dolly，Dolly!Mydearest，howcanyoubesorude？(ToValentine。)Willyouexcusethesebarbarianchildrenofmine，Mr。Valentine？ VALENTINE。Thankyou，I\'musedtothem。WoulditbetoomuchtoaskyoutowaitfiveminuteswhileIgetridofmylandlorddownstairs？ DOLLY。Don\'tbelong。We\'rehungry。 MRS。CLANDON(againremonstrating)。Dolly，dear! VALENTINE(toDolly)。Allright。(ToMrs。Clandon。)Thankyou:I shan\'tbelong。(HestealsalookatGloriaasheturnstogo。Sheislookinggravelyathim。Hefallsintoconfusion。)I——er——er——yes—— thankyou(hesucceedsatlastinblunderinghimselfoutoftheroom； buttheexhibitionisapitifulone)。 PHILIP。Didyouobserve？(PointingtoGloria。)Loveatfirstsight。Youcanaddhisscalptoyourcollection，Gloria。 MRS。CLANDON。Sh——sh，pray，Phil。Hemayhaveheardyou。 PHILIP。Nothe。(Bracinghimselfforascene。)Andnowlookhere，mamma。(Hetakesthestoolfromthebench；andseatshimselfmajesticallyinthemiddleoftheroom，takingaleafoutofValentine\'sbook。Dolly，feelingthatherpositiononthestepoftheoperatingchairisunworthyofthedignityoftheoccasion，rises，lookingimportantanddetermined；crossestothewindow；andstandswithherbacktotheendofthewriting-table，herhandsbehindherandonthetable。Mrs。Clandonlooksatthem，wonderingwhatiscoming。Gloriabecomesattentive。Philipstraightenshisback；placeshisknucklessymmetricallyonhisknees；andopenshiscase。)DollyandIhavebeentalkingoverthingsagooddeallately；andIdon\'tthink，judgingfrommyknowledgeofhumannature——wedon\'tthinkthatyou(speakingverystaccato，withthewordsdetached)quiteappreciatethefact—— DOLLY(seatingherselfontheendofthetablewithaspring)。Thatwe\'vegrownup。 MRS。CLANDON。Indeed？InwhatwayhaveIgivenyouanyreasontocomplain？ PHILIP。Well，therearecertainmattersuponwhichwearebeginningtofeelthatyoumighttakeusalittlemoreintoyourconfidence。 MRS。CLANDON(rising，withalltheplacidityofheragesuddenlybrokenup；andacurioushardexcitement，dignifiedbutdogged，ladylikebutimplacable——themanneroftheOldGuardoftheWomen\'sRightsmovement——cominguponher)。Phil:takecare。RememberwhatIhavealwaystaughtyou。Therearetwosortsoffamilylife，Phil；andyourexperienceofhumannatureonlyextends，sofar，tooneofthem。 (Rhetorically。)Thesortyouknowisbasedonmutualrespect，onrecognitionoftherightofeverymemberofthehouseholdtoindependenceandprivacy(heremphasison\"privacy\"isintense)intheirpersonalconcerns。Andbecauseyouhavealwaysenjoyedthat，itseemssuchamatterofcoursetoyouthatyoudon\'tvalueit。But(withbitingacrimony)thereisanothersortoffamilylife:alifeinwhichhusbandsopentheirwives\'letters，andcallonthemtoaccountforeveryfarthingoftheirexpenditureandeverymomentoftheirtime；inwhichwomendothesametotheirchildren；inwhichnoroomisprivateandnohoursacred；inwhichduty，obedience，affection，home，moralityandreligionaredetestabletyrannies，andlifeisavulgarroundofpunishmentsandlies，coercionandrebellion，jealousy，suspicion，recrimination——Oh!Icannotdescribeittoyou:fortunatelyforyou，youknownothingaboutit。(Shesitsdown，panting。Gloriahaslistenedtoherwithflashingeyes，sharingallherindignation。) DOLLY(inaccessibletorhetoric)。SeeTwentiethCenturyParents，chapteronLiberty，passim。 MRS。CLANDON(touchinghershoulderaffectionately，soothedevenbyagibefromher)。MydearDolly:ifyouonlyknewhowgladIamthatitisnothingbutajoketoyou，thoughitissuchbitterearnesttome。 (Moreresolutely，turningtoPhilip。)Phil，Ineveraskyouquestionsaboutyourprivateconcerns。Youarenotgoingtoquestionme，areyou？ PHILIP。Ithinkitduetoourselvestosaythatthequestionwewantedtoaskisasmuchourbusinessasyours。 DOLLY。Besides，itcan\'tbegoodtokeepalotofquestionsbottledupinsideyou。Youdidit，mamma；butseehowawfullyit\'sbrokenoutagaininme。 MRS。CLANDON。Iseeyouwanttoaskyourquestion。Askit。 DOLLYANDPHILIP(beginningsimultaneously)。Who——(Theystop。) PHILIP。Nowlookhere，Dolly:amIgoingtoconductthisbusinessorareyou？ DOLLY。You。 PHILIP。Thenholdyourmouth。(Dollydoessoliterally。)Thequestionisasimpleone。Whentheivorysnatcher—— MRS。CLANDON(remonstrating)。Phil! PHILIP。Dentistisanuglyword。ThemanofivoryandgoldaskeduswhetherwewerethechildrenofMr。DensmoreClandonofNewburyHall。 InpursuanceofthepreceptsinyourtreatiseonTwentiethCenturyConduct，andyourrepeatedpersonalexhortationstoustocurtailthenumberofunnecessarylieswetell，werepliedtruthfullythewedidn\'tknow。 DOLLY。Neitherdidwe。 PHILIP。Sh!Theresultwasthatthegumarchitectmadeconsiderabledifficultiesaboutacceptingourinvitationtolunch，althoughIdoubtifhehashadanythingbutteaandbreadandbutterforafortnightpast。Nowmyknowledgeofhumannatureleadsmetobelievethatwehadafather，andthatyouprobablyknowwhohewas。 MRS。CLANDON(heragitationreturning)。Stop，Phil。Yourfatherisnothingtoyou，nortome(vehemently)。Thatisenough。(Thetwinsaresilenced，butnotsatisfied。Theirfacesfall。ButGloria，whohasbeenfollowingthealtercationattentively，suddenlyintervenes。) GLORIA(advancing)。Mother:wehavearighttoknow。 MRS。CLANDON(risingandfacingher)。Gloria!\"We!\"Whois\"we\"？ GLORIA(steadfastly)。Wethree。(Hertoneisunmistakable:sheispittingherstrengthagainsthermotherforthefirsttime。Thetwinsinstantlygoovertotheenemy。) MRS。CLANDON(wounded)。Inyourmouth\"we\"usedtomeanyouandI，Gloria。 PHILIP(risingdecisivelyandputtingawaythestool)。We\'rehurtingyou:let\'sdropit。Wedidn\'tthinkyou\'dmind。Idon\'twanttoknow。 DOLLY(comingoffthetable)。I\'msureIdon\'t。Oh，don\'tlooklikethat，mamma。(ShelooksangrilyatGloria。) MRS。CLANDON(touchinghereyeshastilywithherhandkerchiefandsittingdownagain)。Thankyou，mydear。Thanks，Phil。 GLORIA(inexorably)。Wehavearighttoknow，mother。 MRS。CLANDON(indignantly)。Ah!Youinsist。 GLORIA。Doyouintendthatweshallneverknow？ DOLLY。Oh，Gloria，don\'t。It\'sbarbarous。 GLORIA(withquietscorn)。Whatistheuseofbeingweak？Youseewhathashappenedwiththisgentlemanhere，mother。Thesamethinghashappenedtome。 MRS。CLANDON}(all{Whatdoyoumean？ DOLLY}together)。{Oh，tellus。 PHILIP}{Whathappenedtoyou？ GLORIA。Oh，nothingofanyconsequence。(Sheturnsawayfromthemandgoesuptotheeasychairatthefireplace，whereshesitsdown，almostwithherbacktothem。Astheywaitexpectantly，sheadds，overhershoulder，withstudiedindifference。)Onboardthesteamerthefirstofficerdidmethehonortoproposetome。 DOLLY。No，itwastome。 MRS。CLANDON。Thefirstofficer!Areyouserious，Gloria？Whatdidyousaytohim？(correctingherself)Excuseme:Ihavenorighttoaskthat。 GLORIA。Theanswerisprettyobvious。Awomanwhodoesnotknowwhoherfatherwascannotacceptsuchanoffer。 MRS。CLANDON。Surelyyoudidnotwanttoacceptit？ GLORIA(turningalittleandraisinghervoice)。No；butsupposeI hadwantedto! PHILIP。Didthatdifficultystrikeyou，Dolly？ DOLLY。No，Iacceptedhim。 GLORIA}(allcrying{Acceptedhim! MRS。CLANDON}out{Dolly! PHILIP}together){Oh，Isay! DOLLY(naively)。Hedidlooksuchafool! MRS。CLANDON。Butwhydidyoudosuchathing，Dolly？ DOLLY。Forfun，Isuppose。Hehadtomeasuremyfingerforaring。 You\'dhavedonethesamethingyourself。 MRS。CLANDON。No，Dolly，Iwouldnot。Asamatteroffactthefirstofficerdidproposetome；andItoldhimtokeepthatsortofthingforwomenwereyoungenoughtobeamusedbyit。Heappearstohaveactedonmyadvice。(Sherisesandgoestothehearth。)Gloria:Iamsorryyouthinkmeweak；butIcannottellyouwhatyouwant。Youarealltooyoung。 PHILIP。ThisisratherastartlingdeparturefromTwentiethCenturyprinciples。 DOLLY(quoting)。\"Answerallyourchildren\'squestions，andanswerthemtruthfully，assoonastheyareoldenoughtoaskthem。\"SeeTwentiethCenturyMotherhood—— PHILIP。Pageone—— DOLLY。Chapterone—— PHILIP。Sentenceone。 MRS。CLANDON。Mydears:Ididnotsaythatyouweretooyoungtoknow。Isaidyouweretooyoungtobetakenintomyconfidence。Youareverybrightchildren，allofyou；butIamgladforyoursakesthatyouarestillveryinexperiencedandconsequentlyveryunsympathetic。 TherearesomeexperiencesofminethatIcannotbeartospeakofexcepttothosewhohavegonethroughwhatIhavegonethrough。Ihopeyouwillneverbequalifiedforsuchconfidences。ButIwilltakecarethatyoushalllearnallyouwanttoknow。Willthatsatisfyyou？ PHILIP。Anothergrievance，Dolly。 DOLLY。We\'renotsympathetic。 GLORIA(leaningforwardinherchairandlookingearnestlyupathermother)。Mother:Ididnotmeantobeunsympathetic。 MRS。CLANDON(affectionately)。Ofcoursenot，dear。DoyouthinkI don\'tunderstand？ GLORIA(rising)。But，mother—— MRS。CLANDON(drawingbackalittle)。Yes？ GLORIA(obstinately)。Itisnonsensetotellusthatourfatherisnothingtous。 MRS。CLANDON(provokedtosuddenresolution)。Doyourememberyourfather？ GLORIA(meditatively，asiftherecollectionwereatenderone)。I amnotquitesure。Ithinkso。 MRS。CLANDON(grimly)。Youarenotsure？ GLORIA。No。 MRS。CLANDON(withquietforce)。Gloria:ifIhadeverstruckyou—— (Gloriarecoils:PhilipandDollyaredisagreeablyshocked；allthreestartather，revoltedasshecontinues)——struckyoupurposely，deliberately，withtheintentionofhurtingyou，withawhipboughtforthepurpose!Wouldyourememberthat，doyouthink？(Gloriauttersanexclamationofindignantrepulsion。)Thatwouldhavebeenyourlastrecollectionofyourfather，Gloria，ifIhadnottakenyouawayfromhim。Ihavekepthimoutofyourlife:keephimnowoutofminebynevermentioninghimtomeagain。(Gloria，withashudder，coversherfacewithherhands，until，hearingsomeoneatthedoor，sheturnsawayandpretendstooccupyherselflookingatthenamesofthebooksinthebookcase。Mrs。Clandonsitsdownonthesofa。Valentinereturns。)。 VALENTINE。IhopeI\'venotkeptyouwaiting。Thatlandlordofmineisreallyanextraordinaryoldcharacter。 DOLLY(eagerly)。Oh，tellus。Howlonghashegivenyoutopay？ MRS。CLANDON(distractedbyherchild\'sbadmanners)。Dolly，Dolly，Dollydear!Youmustnotaskquestions。 DOLLY(demurely)。Sosorry。You\'lltellus，won\'tyou，Mr。 Valentine？ VALENTINE。Hedoesn\'twanthisrentatall。He\'sbrokenhistoothonaBrazilnut；andhewantsmetolookatitandtolunchwithhimafterwards。 DOLLY。Thenhavehimupandpullhistoothoutatonce；andwe\'llbringhimtolunch，too。Tellthemaidtofetchhimalong。(Sherunstothebellandringsitvigorously。Then，withasuddendoubtsheturnstoValentineandadds)Isupposehe\'srespectable——reallyrespectable。 VALENTINE。Perfectly。Notlikeme。 DOLLY。HonestInjun？(Mrs。Clandongaspsfaintly；butherpowersofremonstranceareexhausted。) VALENTINE。HonestInjun! DOLLY。Thenoffwithyouandbringhimup。 VALENTINE(lookingdubiouslyatMrs。Clandon)。Idaresayhe\'dbedelightedif——er——？ MRS。CLANDON(risingandlookingatherwatch)。Ishallbehappytoseeyourfriendatlunch，ifyoucanpersuadehimtocome；butIcan\'twaittoseehimnow:IhaveanappointmentatthehotelataquartertoonewithanoldfriendwhomIhavenotseensinceIleftEnglandeighteenyearsago。Willyouexcuseme？