第6章

talk，buteventunedupyourmartialvoicesandtriedtosing!——\"Rock-a- bybabyinthetreetop，\"forinstance。WhataspectacleforanArmyoftheTennessee!Andwhatanafflictionfortheneighbors，too；foritisnoteverybodywithinamilearoundthatlikesmilitarymusicatthreeinthemorning:Andwhenyouhadbeenkeepingthissortofthinguptwoorthreehours，andyourlittlevelvet-headintimatedthatnothingsuitedhimlikeexerciseandnoise，whatdidyoudo？[\"Goon!\"]Yousimplywentonuntilyoudroppedinthelastditch。Theideathatababydoesn\'tamounttoanything!Why，onebabyisjustahouseandafrontyardfullbyitself。OnebabycanfurnishmorebusinessthanyouandyourwholeInteriorDepartmentcanattendto。Heisenterprising，irrepressible，brimfuloflawlessactivities。Dowhatyouplease，youcan\'tmakehimstayonthereservation。Sufficientuntothedayisonebaby。Aslongasyouareinyourrightminddon\'tyoueverprayfortwins。Twinsamounttoapermanentriot。Andthereain\'tanyrealdifferencebetweentripletsandaninsurrection。 Yes，itwashightimeforatoast-mastertorecognizetheimportanceofthebabies。Thinkwhatisinstoreforthepresentcrop!Fiftyyearsfromnowweshallallbedead，Itrust，andthenthisflag，ifitstillsurvive(andletushopeitmay)，willbefloatingoveraRepublicnumbering200，000，000souls，accordingtothesettledlawsofourincrease。OurpresentschoonerofStatewillhavegrownintoapoliticalleviathan——aGreatEastern。Thecradledbabiesofto-daywillbeondeck。Letthembewelltrained，forwearegoingtoleaveabigcontractontheirhands。Amongthethreeorfourmillioncradlesnowrockinginthelandaresomewhichthisnationwouldpreserveforagesassacredthings，ifwecouldknowwhichonestheyare。InoneofthemcradlestheunconsciousFarragutofthefutureisatthismomentteething——thinkofit!——andputtinginaworldofdeadearnest，unarticulated，butperfectlyjustifiableprofanityoverit，too。InanotherthefuturerenownedastronomerisblinkingattheshiningMilkyWaywithbutalanguidinterest——poorlittlechap!——andwonderingwhathasbecomeofthatotheronetheycallthewet-nurse。Inanotherthefuturegreathistorianislying——anddoubtlesswillcontinuetolieuntilhisearthlymissionisended。InanotherthefuturePresidentisbusyinghimselfwithnoprofounderproblemofstatethanwhatthemischiefhasbecomeofhishairsoearly；andinamightyarrayofothercradlestherearenowsome60，000futureoffice-seekers，gettingreadytofurnishhimoccasiontograpplewiththatsameoldproblemasecondtime。Andinstillonemorecradle，somewhereundertheflag，thefutureillustriouscommander-in- chiefoftheAmericanarmiesissolittleburdenedwithhisapproachinggrandeursandresponsibilitiesastobegivinghiswholestrategicmindatthismomenttotryingtofindoutsomewaytogethisbigtoeintohismouth——anachievementwhich，meaningnodisrespect，theillustriousguestofthiseveningturnedhisentireattentiontosomefifty-sixyearsago； andifthechildisbutaprophecyoftheman，therearemightyfewwhowilldoubtthathesucceeded。 SPEECHONTHEWEATHER ATTHENEWENGLANDSOCIETY\'SSEVENTY-FIRSTANNUALDINNER，NEWYORKCITY Thenexttoastwas:\"TheOldestInhabitant——TheWeatherofNewEngland。\" Whocanloseitandforgetit？ Whocanhaveitandregretit？ Beinterposes\'twixtusTwain。 MerchantofVenice。 TothisSamuelL。Clemens(MarkTwain)repliedasfollows:—— IreverentlybelievethattheMakerwhomadeusallmakeseverythinginNewEnglandbuttheweather。Idon\'tknowwhomakesthat，butIthinkitmustberawapprenticesintheweather-clerk\'sfactorywhoexperimentandlearnhow，inNewEngland，forboardandclothes，andthenarepromotedtomakeweatherforcountriesthatrequireagoodarticle，andwilltaketheircustomelsewhereiftheydon\'tgetit。ThereisasumptuousvarietyabouttheNewEnglandweatherthatcompelsthestranger\'sadmiration——andregret。Theweatherisalwaysdoingsomethingthere； alwaysattendingstrictlytobusiness；alwaysgettingupnewdesignsandtryingthemonthepeopletoseehowtheywillgo。Butitgetsthroughmorebusinessinspringthaninanyotherseason。InthespringIhavecountedonehundredandthirty-sixdifferentkindsofweatherinsideoffour-and-twentyhours。ItwasIthatmadethefameandfortuneofthatmanthathadthatmarvelouscollectionofweatheronexhibitionattheCentennial，thatsoastoundedtheforeigners。Hewasgoingtotravelallovertheworldandgetspecimensfromalltheclimes。Isaid，\"Don\'tyoudoit；youcometoNewEnglandonafavorablespringday。\"Itoldhimwhatwecoulddointhewayofstyle，variety，andquantity。Well，hecameandhemadehiscollectioninfourdays。Astovariety，why，heconfessedthathegothundredsofkindsofweatherthathehadneverheardofbefore。Andastoquantity——well，afterhehadpickedoutanddiscardedallthatwasblemishedinanyway，henotonlyhadweatherenough，butweathertospare；weathertohireout；weathertosell；todeposit；weathertoinvest；weathertogivetothepoor。ThepeopleofNewEnglandarebynaturepatientandforbearing，buttherearesomethingswhichtheywillnotstand。Everyyeartheykillalotofpoetsforwritingabout\"BeautifulSpring。\"Thesearegenerallycasualvisitors，whobringtheirnotionsofspringfromsomewhereelse，andcannot，ofcourse，knowhowthenativesfeelaboutspring。Andsothefirstthingtheyknowtheopportunitytoinquirehowtheyfeelhaspermanentlygoneby。OldProbabilitieshasamightyreputationforaccurateprophecy，andthoroughlywelldeservesit。Youtakeupthepaperandobservehowcrisplyandconfidentlyhechecksoffwhatto-day\'sweatherisgoingtobeonthePacific，downSouth，intheMiddleStates，intheWisconsinregion。SeehimsailalonginthejoyandprideofhispowertillhegetstoNewEngland，andthensee-histaildrop。Hedoesn\'tknowwhattheweatherisgoingtobeinNewEngland。Well，hemullsoverit，andbyandbyhegetsoutsomethingaboutlikethis: Probablenortheasttosouthwestminds，varyingtothesouthwardandwestwardandeastward，andpointsbetween，highandlowbarometerswappingaroundfromplacetoplace；probableareasofrain，snow，hail，anddrought，succeededorprecededbyearthquakes，withthunderandlightning。Thenhejotsdownthispostscriptfromhiswanderingmind，tocoveraccidents:\"Butitispossiblethattheprogrammaybewhollychangedinthemeantime。\"Yes，oneofthebrightestgemsintheNewEnglandweatheristhedazzlinguncertaintyofit。Thereisonlyonethingcertainaboutit:youarecertainthereisgoingtobeplentyofit——aperfectgrandreview；butyounevercantellwhichendoftheprocessionisgoingtomovefirst。Youfixupforthedrought；youleaveyourumbrellainthehouseandsallyout，andtwotooneyougetdrowned。 Youmakeupyourmindthattheearthquakeisdue；youstandfromunder，andtakeholdofsomethingtosteadyyourself，andthefirstthingyouknowyougetstruckbylightning。Thesearegreatdisappointments；buttheycan\'tbehelped。Thelightningthereispeculiar；itissoconvincing，thatwhenitstrikesathingitdoesn\'tleaveenoughofthatthingbehindforyoutotellwhether——Well，you\'dthinkitwassomethingvaluable，andaCongressmanhadbeenthere。Andthethunder。Whenthethunderbeginstomerelytuneupandscrapeandsaw，andkeyuptheinstrumentsfortheperformance，strangerssay，\"Why，whatawfulthunderyouhavehere!\"Butwhenthebatonisraisedandtherealconcertbegins，you\'llfindthatstrangerdowninthecellarwithhisheadintheash-barrel。NowastothesizeoftheweatherinNewEnglandlengthways，Imean。Itisutterlydisproportionedtothesizeofthatlittlecountry。Halfthetime，whenitispackedasfullasitcanstick，youwillseethatNewEnglandweatherstickingoutbeyondtheedgesandprojectingaroundhundredsandhundredsofmilesovertheneighboringstates。Shecan\'tholdatenthpartofherweather。Youcanseecracksallaboutwhereshehasstrainedherselftryingtodoit。IcouldspeakvolumesabouttheinhumanperversityoftheNewEnglandweather，butI willgivebutasinglespecimen。Iliketohearrainonatinroof。 SoIcoveredpartofmyroofwithtin，withaneyetothatluxury。Well，sir，doyouthinkiteverrainsonthattin？No，sir；skipsiteverytime。Mind，inthisspeechIhavebeentryingmerelytodohonortotheNewEnglandweather——nolanguagecoulddoitjustice。But，afterall，thereisatleastoneortwothingsaboutthatweather(or，ifyouplease，effectsproduced，byit)whichweresidentswouldnotliketopartwith。Ifwehadn\'tourbewitchingautumnfoliage，weshouldstillhavetocredittheweatherwithonefeaturewhichcompensatesforallitsbullyingvagariestheice-storm:whenaleaflesstreeisclothedwithicefromthebottomtothetop——icethatisasbrightandclearascrystal； wheneveryboughandtwigisstrungwithice-beads，frozendewdrops，andthewholetreesparklescoldandwhite，liketheShahofPersia\'sdiamondplume。Thenthewindwavesthebranchesandthesuncomesoutandturnsallthosemyriadsofbeadsanddropstoprismsthatglowandburnandflashwithallmannerofcoloredfires，whichchangeandchangeagainwithinconceivablerapidityfrombluetored，fromredtogreen，andgreentogold——thetreebecomesasprayingfountain，averyexplosionofdazzlingjewels；anditstandstheretheacme，theclimax，thesupremestpossibilityinartornature，ofbewildering，intoxicating，intolerablemagnificence。Onecannotmakethewordstoostrong。 CONCERNINGTHEAMERICANLANGUAGE TherewasasEnglishmaninourcompartment，andhecomplimentedmeon—— onwhat？Butyouwouldneverguess。HecomplimentedmeonmyEnglish。 HesaidAmericansingeneraldidnotspeaktheEnglishlanguageascorrectlyasIdid。IsaidIwasobligedtohimforhiscompliment，sinceIknewhemeantitforone，butthatIwasnotfairlyentitledtoit，forIdidnotspeakEnglishatall——IonlyspokeAmerican。 Helaughed，andsaiditwasadistinctionwithoutadifference。Isaidno，thedifferencewasnotprodigious，butstillitwasconsiderable。 Wefellintoafriendlydisputeoverthematter。IputmycaseaswellasIcould，andsaid: \"Thelanguageswereidenticalseveralgenerationsago，butourchangedconditionsandthespreadofourpeoplefartothesouthandfartothewesthavemademanyalterationsinourpronunciation，andhaveintroducednewwordsamongusandchangedthemeaningsofmanyoldones。Englishpeopletalkthroughtheirnoses；wedonot。Wesayknow，Englishpeoplesaynao；wesaycow，theBritonsayskaow；we——\" \"Oh，come!thatispureYankee；everybodyknowsthat。\" \"Yes，itispureYankee；thatistrue。OnecannothearitinAmericaoutsideofthelittlecornercalledNewEngland，whichisYankeeland。 TheEnglishthemselvesplanteditthere，twohundredandfiftyyearsago，andthereitremains；ithasneverspread。ButEnglandtalksthroughhernoseyet；theLondonerandthebackwoodsNew-Englanderpronounce\'know\' and\'cow\'alike，andthentheBritonunconsciouslysatirizeshimselfbymakingfunoftheYankee\'spronunciation。\" Wearguedthispointatsomelength；nobodywon；butnomatter，thefactremainsEnglishmensaynaoandkaowfor\"know\"and\"cow，\"andthatiswhattherusticinhabitantofaverysmallsectionofAmericadoes。 \"Youconferredyour\'a\'uponNewEngland，too，andthereitremains；ithasnottraveledoutofthenarrowlimitsofthosesixlittlestatesinallthesetwohundredandfiftyyears。AllEnglandusesit，NewEngland\'ssmallpopulation-sayfourmillions-useit，butwehaveforty- fivemillionswhodonotuseit。Yousay\'glahsofwawtah，\'sodoesNewEngland；atleast，NewEnglandsays\'glahs。\'Americaatlargeflattensthe\'a\'，andsays\'glassofwater。\'Thesesoundsarepleasanterthanyours；youmaythinktheyarenotright——well，inEnglishtheyarenotright，but\'American\'theyare。Yousay\'flahsk\'and\'bahsket，\'and\'jackahss\'；wesay\'flask，\'\'basket，\'\'jackass\'——soundingthe\'a\'asitisin\'tallow，\'\'fallow，\'andsoon。\'Uptoaslateas1847Mr。 Webster\'sDictionaryhadtheimpudencetostillpronounce\'basket\' bahsket，whenheknewthatoutsideofhislittleNewEnglandallAmericashortenedthe\'a\'andpaidnoattentiontohisEnglishbroadeningofit。 However，itcalleditselfanEnglishDictionary，soitwasproperenoughthatitshouldsticktoEnglishforms，perhaps。ItstillcallsitselfanEnglishDictionarytoday，butithasquietlyceasedtopronounce\'basket\' asifitwerespelt\'bahsket。\'IntheAmericanlanguagethe\'h\'isrespected；the\'h\'isnotdroppedoraddedimproperly。\" \"ThesameisthecaseinEngland——Imeanamongtheeducatedclasses，ofcourse。\" \"Yes，thatistrue；butanation\'slanguageisaverylargematter。 Itisnotsimplyamannerofspeechobtainingamongtheeducatedhandful； themannerobtainingamongthevastuneducatedmultitudemustbeconsideredalso。YouruneducatedmassesspeakEnglish，youwillnotdenythat；ouruneducatedmassesspeakAmericanitwon\'tbefairforyoutodenythat，foryoucansee，yourself，thatwhenyourstable-boysays，\'Itisn\'tthe\'untingthat\'urtsthe\'orse，butthe\'ammer，\'ammer，\'ammeronthe\'ard\'ighway，\'andourstable-boymakesthesameremarkwithoutsuffocatingasingleh，thesetwopeoplearemanifestlytalkingtwodifferentlanguages。Butifthesignsaretohetrusted，evenyoureducatedclassesusedtodropthe\'h。\'Theysayhumble，now，andheroic，andhistoricetc。，butIjudgethattheyusedtodropthoseh\'sbecauseyourwritersstillkeepupthefashionofpattinganbeforethosewordsinsteadofa。ThisiswhatMr。Darwinmightcalla\'rudimentary\'signthatasanwasjustifiableonce，andusefulwhenyoureducatedclassesused，tosay\'umble，and\'eroic，and\'istorical。CorrectwritersoftheAmericanlanguagedonotputanbeforethreewords。\" TheEnglishgentlemanhadsomethingtosayuponthismatter，butnevermindwhathesaid——I\'mnotarguinghiscase。Ihavehimatadisadvantage，now。Iproceeded: \"InEnglandyouencourageanoratorbyexclaiming，\'H\'yaah!h\'yaah!\' Wepronounceitheerinsomesections，\'h\'yer\'inothers，andsoon；butourwhitesdonotsay\'h\'yaah，\'pronouncingthea\'sliketheainah。 IhaveheardEnglishladiessay\'don\'tyou\'——makingtwoseparateanddistinctwordsofit；yourMr。Burnandhassatirizedit。Butwealwayssay\'dontchu。\'Thisismuchbetter。Yourladiessay，\'Oh，it\'sofulnice!\'Ourssay，\'Oh，it\'sawfulnice!\'Wesay，\'Fourhundred，\'yousay\'For\'——asinthewordor。Yourclergymenspeakof\'theLawd，\'oursof\'theLord\'；yoursspeakof\'thegawdsoftheheathen，\'oursof\'thegodsoftheheathen。\'Whenyouareexhausted，yousayyouare\'knockedup。\' Wedon\'t。Whenyousayyouwilldoathing\'directly，\'youmean\'immediately\'；intheAmericanlanguage——generallyspeaking——thewordsignifies\'afteralittle。\'Whenyousay\'clever，\'youmean\'capable\'； withusthewordusedtomean\'accommodating，\'butIdon\'tknowwhatitmeansnow。Yourword\'stout\'means\'fleshy\'；ourword\'stout\'usuallymeans\'strong。\'Yourwords\'gentleman\'and\'lady\'haveaveryrestrictedmeaning；withustheyincludethebarmaid，butcher，burglar，harlot，andhorse-thief。Yousay，\'Ihaven\'tgotanystockingson，\'\'Ihaven\'tgotanymemory，\'\'Ihaven\'tgotanymoneyinmypurse；weusuallysay，\'I haven\'tanystockingson，\'\'Ihaven\'tanymemory，!\'\'Ihaven\'tanymoneyinmypurse。\'Yousay\'outofwindow\'；wealwaysputinathe。Ifoneasks\'Howoldisthatman？\'theBritonanswers，\'Hewillbeaboutforty\'； intheAmericanlanguageweshouldsay，\'Heisaboutforty。\'However，Iwon\'ttireyou，sir；butifIwantedto，IcouldpileupdifferenceshereuntilInotonlyconvincedyouthatEnglishandAmericanareseparatelanguages，butthatwhenIspeakmynativetongueinitsutmostpurityanEnglishmancan\'tunderstandmeatall。\" \"Idon\'twishtoflatteryou，butitisaboutallIcandotounderstandyounow。\" Thatwasaveryprettycompliment，anditputusonthepleasantesttermsdirectly——IusethewordintheEnglishsense。 [Later——1882。Esthetesinmanyofourschoolsarenowbeginningtoteachthepupilstobroadenthe\'a，\'andtosay\"don\'tyou，\"intheelegantforeignway。] ROGERS ThisManRogershappeneduponmeandintroducedhimselfatthetownof——，intheSouthofEngland，whereIstayedawhile。Hisstepfatherhadmarriedadistantrelativeofminewhowasafterwardhanged；andsoheseemedtothinkabloodrelationshipexistedbetweenus。Hecameineverydayandsatdownandtalked。Ofallthebland，serenehumancuriositiesIeversaw，Ithinkhewasthechiefest。Hedesiredtolookatmynewchimney-pothat。Iwasverywilling，forIthoughthewouldnoticethenameofthegreatOxfordStreethatterinit，andrespectmeaccordingly。Butheturneditaboutwithasortofgravecompassion，pointedouttwoorthreeblemishes，andsaidthatI，beingsorecentlyarrived，couldnotbeexpectedtoknowwheretosupplymyself。Saidhewouldsendmetheaddressofhishatter。Thenhesaid，\"Pardonme，\"andproceededtocutaneatcircleofredtissuepaper；daintilynotchedtheedgesofit；tookthemucilageandpasteditinmyhatsoastocoverthemanufacturer\'sname。Hesaid，\"Noonewillknownowwhereyougotit。 Iwillsendyouahat-tipofmyhatter，andyoucanpasteitoverthistissuecircle。\"Itwasthecalmest，coolestthing——Ineveradmiredamansomuchinmylife。Mind，hedidthiswhilehisownhatsatoffensivelynearournoses，onthetable——anancientextinguisherofthe\"slouch\" pattern，limpandshapelesswithage，discoloredbyvicissitudesoftheweather，andbandedbyanequatorofbear\'sgreasethathadstewedthrough。 Anothertimeheexaminedmycoat。Ihadnoterrors，forovermytailor\'sdoorwasthelegend，\"BySpecialAppointmentTailortoH。R。H。thePrinceofWales，\"etc。Ididnotknowatthetimethatthemostofthetailorshopshadthesamesignout，andthatwhereasittakesninetailorstomakeanordinaryman，ittakesahundredandfiftytomakeaprince。Hewasfullofcompassionformycoat。Wrotedowntheaddressofhistailorforme。Didnottellmetomentionmynomdeplumeandthetailorwouldputhisbestworkonmygarment，ascomplimentarypeoplesometimesdo，butsaidhistailorwouldhardlytroublehimselfforanunknownperson(unknownperson，whenIthoughtIwassocelebratedinEngland!——thatwasthecruelestcut)，butcautionedmetomentionhisname，anditwouldbeallright。Thinkingtobefacetious，Isaid: \"Buthemightsitupallnightandinjurehishealth。\" \"Well，lethim，\"saidRogers；\"I\'vedoneenoughforhim，forhimtoshowsomeappreciationofit。\" Imightaswellhavetriedtodisconcertamummywithmyfacetiousness。 SaidRogers:\"Igetallmycoatsthere——they\'retheonlycoatsfittobeseenin。\" Imadeonemoreattempt。Isaid，\"Iwishyouhadbroughtonewithyou—— Iwouldliketolookatit。\" \"Blessyourheart，haven\'tIgotoneon？——thisarticleisMorgan\'smake。\" Iexaminedit。Thecoathadbeenboughtready-made，ofaChathamStreetJew，withoutanyquestion——about1848。Itprobablycostfourdollarswhenitwasnew。Itwasripped，itwasfrayed，itwasnaplessandgreasy。Icouldnotresistshowinghimwhereitwasripped。ItsoaffectedhimthatIwasalmostsorryIhaddoneit。Firstheseemedplungedintoabottomlessabyssofgrief。Thenherousedhimself，madeafeintwithhishandsasifwavingoffthepityofanation，andsaid—— withwhatseemedtomeamanufacturedemotion——\"Nomatter；nomatter； don\'tmindme；donotbotheraboutit。Icangetanother。\" Whenhewasthoroughlyrestored，sothathecouldexaminetheripandcommandhisfeelings，hesaid，ah，nowheunderstoodit——hisservantmusthavedoneitwhiledressinghimthatmorning。 Hisservant!Therewassomethingawe-inspiringineffronterylikethis。 Nearlyeverydayheinterestedhimselfinsomearticleofmyclothing。 Onewouldhardlyhaveexpectedthissortofinfatuationinamanwhoalwaysworethesamesuit，anditasuitthatseemedcoevalwiththeConquest。 Itwasanunworthyambition，perhaps，butIdidwishIcouldmakethismanadmiresomethingaboutmeorsomethingIdid——youwouldhavefeltthesameway。Isawmyopportunity:IwasabouttoreturntoLondon，andhad\"listed\"mysoiledlinenforthe，wash。Itmadequiteauimposingmountaininthecorneroftheroom——fifty-fourpieces。Ihopedhewouldfancyitwastheaccumulationofasingleweek。Itookupthewash-list，asiftoseethatitwasallright，andthentosseditonthetable，withpretendedforgetfulness。Sureenough，hetookit。upandranhiseyealongdowntothegrandtotal。Thenhesaid，\"Yougetoffeasy，\"andlaiditdownagain。 Hisgloveswerethesaddestruin，buthetoldmewhereIcouldgetsomelikethem。Hisshoeswouldhardlyholdwalnutswithoutleaking，buthelikedtoputhisfeetuponthemantelpieceandcontemplatethem。 Heworeadimglassbreastpin，whichhecalleda\"morphyliticdiamond\"—— whateverthatmaymean——andsaidonlytwoofthemhadeverbeenfound——theEmperorofChinahadtheotherone。 Afterward，inLondon，itwasapleasuretometoseethisfantasticvagabondcomemarchingintothelobbyofthehotelinhisgrand-ducalway，forhealwayshadsomenewimaginarygrandeurtodevelop——therewasnothingstaleabouthimbuthisclothes。Ifheaddressedmewhenstrangerswereabout，healwaysraisedhisvoicealittleandcalledme\"SirRichard，\"or\"General，\"or\"YourLordship\"——andwhenpeoplebegantostareandlookdeferential，hewouldfalltoinquiringinacasualwaywhyIdisappointedtheDukeofArgyllthenightbefore；andthenremindmeofourengagementattheDukeofWestminster\'sforthefollowingday。 Ithinkthatforthetimebeingthesethingswererealitiestohim。HeoncecameandinvitedmetogowithhimandspendtheeveningwiththeEarlofWarwickathistownhouse。IsaidIhadreceivednoformalinvitation。Hesaidthatthatwasofnoconsequence，theEarlhadnoformalitiesforhimorhisfriends。IaskedifIcouldgojustasIwas。 Hesaidno，thatwouldhardlydo；eveningdresswasrequisiteatnightinanygentleman\'shouse。HesaidhewouldwaitwhileIdressed，andthenwewouldgotohisapartmentsandIcouldtakeabottleofchampagneandacigarwhilehedressed。Iwasverywillingtoseehowthisenterprisewouldturnout，soIdressed，andwestartedtohislodgings。HesaidifIdidn\'tmindwewouldwalk。Sowetrampedsomefourmilesthroughthemudandfog，andfinallyfoundhis\"apartments\"；theyconsistedofasingleroomoverabarber\'sshopinabackstreet。Twochairs，asmalltable，anancientvalise，awash-basinandpitcher(bothonthefloorinacorner)，anunmadebed，afragmentofalooking-glass，andaflower- pot，withaperishinglittlerosegeraniuminit，whichhecalledacenturyplant，andsaidithadnotbloomednowforupwardoftwocenturies——giventohimbythelateLordPalmerston(beenofferedaprodigioussumforit)——thesewerethecontentsoftheroom。Alsoabrasscandlestickandapartofacandle。Rogerslitthecandle，andtoldmetositdownandmakemyselfathome。HesaidhehopedIwasthirsty，becausehewouldsurprisemypalatewithanarticleofchampagnethatseldomgotintoacommoner\'ssystem；orwouldIprefersherry，orport？Saidhehadportinbottlesthatwereswathedinstratifiedcobwebs，everystratumrepresentingageneration。Andasforhiscigars—— well，Ishouldjudgeofthemmyself。Thenheputhisheadoutatthedoorandcalled: \"Sackville!\"Noanswer。 \"Hi-Sackville!\"Noanswer。 \"Nowwhatthedevilcanhavebecomeofthatbutler？Ineverallowaservantto——Oh，confoundthatidiot，he\'sgotthekeys。Can\'tgetintotheotherroomswithoutthekeys。\" (Iwasjustwonderingathisintrepidityinstillkeepingupthedelusionofthechampagne，andtryingtoimaginehowhewasgoingtogetoutofthedifficulty。) NowhestoppedcallingSackvilleandbegantocall\"Anglesy。\"ButAnglesydidn\'tcome。Hesaid，\"Thisisthesecondtimethatthatequerryhasbeenabsentwithoutleave。To-morrowI\'lldischargehim。\"Nowhebegantowhoopfor\"Thomas，\"butThomasdidn\'tanswer。Thenfor\"Theodore，\"butnoTheodorereplied。 \"Well，Igiveitup，\"saidRogers。\"Theservantsneverexpectmeatthishour，andsothey\'realloffonalark。Mightgetalongwithouttheequerryandthepage，butcan\'thaveanywineorcigarswithoutthebutler，andcan\'tdresswithoutmyvalet。\" Iofferedtohelphimdress，buthewouldnothearofit；andbesides，hesaidhewouldnotfeelcomfortableunlessdressedbyapractisedhand。 However，hefinallyconcludedthathewassucholdfriendswiththeEarlthatitwouldnotmakeanydifferencehowhewasdressed。Sowetookacab，hegavethedriversomedirections，andwestarted。Byandbywestoppedbeforealargehouseandgotout。Ineverhadseenthismanwithacollaron。Henowsteppedunderalampandgotavenerablepapercollaroutofhiscoatpocket，alongwithahoarycravat，andputthemon。Heascendedthestoop，andentered。Presentlyhereappeared，descendedrapidly，andsaid: \"Come-quick!\" Wehurriedaway，andturnedthecorner。 \"Nowwe\'resafe，\"hesaid，andtookoffhiscollarandcravatandreturnedthemtohispocket。 \"Madeamightynarrowescape，\"saidhe。 \"How？\"saidI。 \"B\'George，theCountesswasthere!\" \"Well，whatofthat？——don\'tsheknowyou？\" \"Knowme？Absolutelyworshipsme。Ijustdidhappentocatchaglimpseofherbeforeshesawme——andoutIshot。Haven\'tseenherfortwomonths——torushinonherwithoutanywarningmighthavebeenfatal。 Shecouldnothavestoodit。Ididn\'tknowshewasintown——thoughtshewasatthecastle。Letmeleanonyou——justamoment——there；nowIambetter——thankyou；thankyoueversomuch。Lordblessme，whatanescape!\" SoInevergottocallontheEarl，afterall。ButImarkedthehouseforfuturereference。Itprovedtobeanordinaryfamilyhotel，withaboutathousandplebeiansroostinginit。 InmostthingsRogerswasbynomeansafool。Insomethingsitwasplainenoughthathewasafool，buthecertainlydidnotknowit。 Hewasinthe\"deadest\"earnestinthesematters。Hediedatsea，lastsummer，asthe\"EarlofRamsgate。\"