第10章

Richoldfarmer，namedHuss。Hasinheritedgreatwealthofmanure，andbydiligencehasaddedtoit。Itisdouble-starredinBaedeker。[1]TheBlackforestartistpaintsit——hismasterpiece。Thekingcomestoseeit。 GretchenHuss，daughterandheiress。PaulHoch，youngneighbor，suitorforGretchen\'shand——ostensibly； hereallywantsthemanure。Hochhasagoodmanycart-loadsoftheBlackForestcurrencyhimself，andthereforeisagoodcatch；butheissordid，mean，andwithoutsentiment，whereasGretchenisallsentimentandpoetry。 HansSchmidt，youngneighbor，fullofsentiment，fullofpoetry，lovesGretchen，Gretchenloveshim。 Buthehasnomanure。OldHussforbidshiminthehouse。 Hisheartbreaks，hegoesawaytodieinthewoods，farfromthecruelworld——forhesays，bitterly，\"Whatisman，withoutmanure?\" 1。WhenBaedeker\'sguide-booksmentionathingandputtwostars(**)afterit，itmeanswellworthvisiting。 M。T。 [Intervalofsixmonths。] PaulHochcomestooldHussandsays，\"Iamatlastasrichasyourequired——comeandviewthepile。\" OldHussviewsitandsays，\"Itissufficient——takeherandbehappy，\"——meaningGretchen。 [Intervaloftwoweeks。] WeddingpartyassembledinoldHuss\'sdrawing-room。Hochplacidandcontent，Gretchenweepingoverherhardfate。 EnteroldHuss\'sheadbookkeeper。Husssaysfiercely，\"Igaveyouthreeweekstofindoutwhyyourbooksdon\'tbalance，andtoprovethatyouarenotadefaulter； thetimeisup——findmethemissingpropertyoryougotoprisonasathief。\"Bookkeeper:\"Ihavefoundit。\" \"Where?\"Bookkeeper(sternly——tragically):\"Inthebridegroom\'spile!——beholdthethief——seehimblenchandtremble!\" [Sensation。]PaulHoch:Lost，lost!\"——fallsoverthecowinaswoonandishandcuffed。Gretchen:\"Saved!\"Fallsoverthecalfinaswoonofjoy，butiscaughtinthearmsofHansSchmidt，whospringsinatthatmoment。OldHuss: \"What，youhere，varlet?Unhandthemaidandquittheplace。\" Hans(stillsupportingtheinsensiblegirl):\"Never!Crueloldman，knowthatIcomewithclaimswhichevenyoucannotdespise。\" Huss:\"What，YOU?namethem。\" Hans:\"Listenthen。Theworldhasforsakenme，Iforsooktheworld，Iwanderedinthesolitudeoftheforest，longingfordeathbutfindingnone。Ifeduponroots，andinmybitternessIdugforthebitterest，loathingthesweeterkind。Digging，threedaysagone，Istruckamanuremine!——aGolconda，alimitlessBonanza，ofsolidmanure!IcanbuyyouALL，andhavemountainrangesofmanureleft!Ha-ha，NOWthousmilestasmile!\" [Immensesensation。]Exhibitionofspecimensfromthemine。 OldHuss(enthusiastically):\"Wakeherup，shakeherup，nobleyoungman，sheisyours!\"Weddingtakesplaceonthespot；bookkeeperrestoredtohisofficeandemoluments； PaulHochledofftojail。TheBonanzakingoftheBlackForestlivestoagoodoldage，blessedwiththeloveofhiswifeandofhistwenty-sevenchildren，andthestillsweeterenvyofeverybodyaround。 WetookournoonmealoffriedtroutonedayatthePlowInn，inaveryprettyvillage(Ottenho\"fen)，andthenwentintothepublicroomtorestandsmoke。TherewefoundnineortenBlackForestgrandeesassembledaroundatable。 TheyweretheCommonCounciloftheparish。Theyhadgatheredthereateighto\'clockthatmorningtoelectanewmember，andtheyhadnowbeendrinkingbeerfourhoursatthenewmember\'sexpense。Theyweremenoffiftyorsixtyyearsofage，withgravegood-naturesfaces，andwerealldressedinthecostumemadefamiliartousbytheBlackForeststories；broad，round-toppedblackfelthatswiththebrimscurledupallround；longredwaistcoatswithlargemetalbuttons，blackalpacacoatswiththewaistsupbetweentheshoulders。Therewerenospeeches，therewasbutlittletalk，therewerenofrivolities； theCouncilfilledthemselvesgradually，steadily，butsurely，withbeer，andconductedthemselveswithsedatedecorum，asbecamemenofposition，menofinfluence，menofmanure。 Wehadahotafternoontrampupthevalley，alongthegrassybankofarushingstreamofclearwater，pastfarmhouses，water-mills，andnoendofwaysidecrucifixesandsaintsandVirgins。Thesecrucifixes，etc。，aresetupinmemoryofdepartedfriends，bysurvivors，andarealmostasfrequentastelegraph-polesareinotherlands。 Wefollowedthecarriage-road，andhadourusualluck； wetraveledunderabeatingsun，andalwayssawtheshadeleavetheshadyplacesbeforewecouldgettothem。 Inallourwanderingsweseldommanagedtostrikeapieceofroadatitstimeforbeingshady。Wehadaparticularlyhottimeofitonthatparticularafternoon，andwithnocomfortbutwhatwecouldgetoutofthefactthatthepeasantsatworkawayuponthesteepmountainsidesaboveourheadswereevenworseoffthanwewere。 Byandbyitbecameimpossibletoenduretheintolerableglareandheatanylonger；sowestruckacrosstheravineandenteredthedeepcooltwilightoftheforest，tohuntforwhattheguide-bookcalledthe\"oldroad。\" Wefoundanoldroad，anditprovedeventuallytobetherightone，thoughwefolloweditatthetimewiththeconvictionthatitwasthewrongone。Ifitwasthewrongonetherecouldbenouseinhurrying；thereforewedidnothurry，butsatdownfrequentlyonthesoftmossandenjoyedtherestfulquietandshadeoftheforestsolitudes。 Therehadbeendistractionsinthecarriage-road—— school-children，peasants，wagons，troopsofpedestrianizingstudentsfromalloverGermany—— butwehadtheoldroadtoourselves。 Nowandthen，whilewerested，wewatchedthelaboriousantathiswork。Ifoundnothingnewinhim——certainlynothingtochangemyopinionofhim。Itseemstomethatinthematterofintellecttheantmustbeastrangelyoverratedbird。Duringmanysummers，now，Ihavewatchedhim，whenIoughttohavebeeninbetterbusiness，andIhavenotyetcomeacrossalivingantthatseemedtohaveanymoresensethanadeadone。Irefertotheordinaryant，ofcourse；IhavehadnoexperienceofthosewonderfulSwissandAfricanoneswhichvote，keepdrilledarmies，holdslaves，anddisputeaboutreligion。Thoseparticularantsmaybeallthatthenaturalistpaintsthem，butIampersuadedthattheaverageantisasham。 Iadmithisindustry，ofcourse；heisthehardest-workingcreatureintheworld——whenanybodyislooking——buthisleather-headednessisthepointImakeagainsthim。 Hegoesoutforaging，hemakesacapture，andthenwhatdoeshedo?Gohome?No——hegoesanywherebuthome。 Hedoesn\'tknowwherehomeis。Hishomemaybeonlythreefeetaway——nomatter，hecan\'tfindit。Hemakeshiscapture，asIhavesaid；itisgenerallysomethingwhichcanbeofnosortofusetohimselforanybodyelse； itisusuallyseventimesbiggerthanitoughttobe； hehuntsouttheawkwardestplacetotakeholdofit； heliftsitbodilyupintheairbymainforce，andstarts； nottowardhome，butintheoppositedirection；notcalmlyandwisely，butwithafrantichastewhichiswastefulofhisstrength；hefetchesupagainstapebble，andinsteadofgoingaroundit，heclimbsoveritbackwarddragginghisbootyafterhim，tumblesdownontheotherside，jumpsupinapassion，kicksthedustoffhisclothes，moistenshishands，grabshispropertyviciously，yanksitthisway，thenthat，shovesitaheadofhimamoment，turnstailandlugsitafterhimanothermoment，getsmadderandmadder，thenpresentlyhoistsitintotheairandgoestearingawayinanentirelynewdirection；comestoaweed； itneveroccurstohimtogoaroundit；no，hemustclimbit； andhedoesclimbit，dragginghisworthlesspropertytothetop——whichisasbrightathingtodoasitwouldbeformetocarryasackofflourfromHeidelbergtoParisbywayofStrasburgsteeple；whenhegetsuptherehefindsthatthatisnottheplace；takesacursoryglanceatthesceneryandeitherclimbsdownagainortumblesdown，andstartsoffoncemore——asusual，inanewdirection。 Attheendofhalfanhour，hefetchesupwithinsixinchesoftheplacehestartedfromandlayshisburdendown； meantimeheasbeenoverallthegroundfortwoyardsaround，andclimbedalltheweedsandpebbleshecameacross。 Nowhewipesthesweatfromhisbrow，strokeshislimbs，andthenmarchesaimlesslyoff，inasviolentlyahurryasever。Hedoesnotremembertohaveeverseenitbefore； helooksaroundtoseewhichisnotthewayhome，grabshisbundleandstarts；hegoesthroughthesameadventureshehadbefore；finallystopstorest，andafriendcomesalong。 Evidentlythefriendremarksthatalastyear\'sgrasshopperlegisaverynobleacquisition，andinquireswherehegotit。Evidentlytheproprietordoesnotrememberexactlywherehedidgetit，butthinkshegotit\"aroundheresomewhere。\"Evidentlythefriendcontractstohelphimfreightithome。Then，withajudgmentpeculiarlyantic(punnotintended)，thentakeholdofoppositeendsofthatgrasshopperlegandbegintotugwithalltheirmightinoppositedirections。Presentlytheytakearestandconfertogether。Theydecidethatsomethingiswrong，theycan\'tmakeoutwhat。Thentheygoatitagain，justasbefore。Sameresult。Mutualrecriminationsfollow。 Evidentlyeachaccusestheotherofbeinganobstructionist。 Theylockthemselvestogetherandcheweachother\'sjawsforawhile；thentheyrollandtumbleonthegroundtillonelosesahornoralegandhastohauloffforrepairs。 Theymakeupandgotoworkagaininthesameoldinsaneway，butthecrippledantisatadisadvantage；tugashemay，theotheronedragsoffthebootyandhimattheendofit。 Insteadofgivingup，hehangson，andgetshisshinsbruisedagainsteveryobstructionthatcomesintheway。 Byandby，whenthatgrasshopperleghasbeendraggedalloverthesameoldgroundoncemore，itisfinallydumpedataboutthespotwhereitoriginallylay，thetwoperspiringantsinspectitthoughtfullyanddecidethatdriedgrasshopperlegsareapoorsortofpropertyafterall，andtheneachstartsoffinadifferentdirectiontoseeifhecan\'tfindanoldnailorsomethingelsethatisheavyenoughtoaffordentertainmentandatthesametimevaluelessenoughtomakeanantwanttoownit。 ThereintheBlackForest，onthemountainside，Isawanantgothroughwithsuchaperformanceasthiswithadeadspideroffullytentimeshisownweight。 Thespiderwasnotquitedead，buttoofargonetoresist。 Hehadaroundbodythesizeofapea。Thelittleant—— observingthatIwasnoticing——turnedhimonhisback，sunkhisfangsintohisthroat，liftedhimintotheairandstartedvigorouslyoffwithhim，stumblingoverlittlepebbles，steppingonthespider\'slegsandtrippinghimselfup，dragginghimbackward，shovinghimbodilyahead，dragginghimupstonessixincheshighinsteadofgoingaroundthem，climbingweedstwentytimeshisownheightandjumpingfromtheirsummits——andfinallyleavinghiminthemiddleoftheroadtobeconfiscatedbyanyotherfoolofanantthatwantedhim。Imeasuredthegroundwhichthisasstraversed，andarrivedattheconclusionthatwhathehadaccomplishedinsideoftwentyminuteswouldconstitutesomesuchjobasthis——relativelyspeaking——foraman； towit:tostraptwoeight-hundred-poundhorsestogether，carrythemeighteenhundredfeet，mainlyover(notaround) bouldersaveragingsixfeethigh，andinthecourseofthejourneyclimbupandjumpfromthetopofoneprecipicelikeNiagara，andthreesteeples，eachahundredandtwentyfeethigh；andthenputthehorsesdown，inanexposedplace，withoutanybodytowatchthem，andgoofftoindulgeinsomeotheridioticmiracleforvanity\'ssake。 Sciencehasrecentlydiscoveredthattheantdoesnotlayupanythingforwinteruse。Thiswillknockhimoutofliterature，tosomeextent。Hedoesnotwork，exceptwhenpeoplearelooking，andonlythenwhentheobserverhasagreen，naturalisticlook，andseemstobetakingnotes。Thisamountstodeception，andwillinjurehimfortheSunday-schools。Hehasnotjudgmentenoughtoknowwhatisgoodtoeatfromwhatisn\'t。Thisamountstoignorance，andwillimpairtheworld\'srespectforhim。 Hecannotstrollaroundastumpandfindhiswayhomeagain。 Thisamountstoidiocy，andoncethedamagingfactisestablished，thoughtfulpeoplewillceasetolookuptohim，thesentimentalwillceasetofondlehim。 Hisvauntedindustryisbutavanityandofnoeffect，sincehenevergetshomewithanythinghestartswith。 Thisdisposesofthelastremnantofhisreputationandwhollydestroyshismainusefulnessasamoralagent，sinceitwillmakethesluggardhesitatetogotohimanymore。Itisstrange，beyondcomprehension，thatsomanifestahumbugastheanthasbeenabletofoolsomanynationsandkeepitupsomanyageswithoutbeingfoundout。 Theantisstrong，butwesawanotherstrongthing，wherewehadnotsuspectedthepresenceofmuchmuscularpowerbefore。Atoadstool——thatvegetablewhichspringstofullgrowthinasinglenight——hadtornlooseandliftedamattedmassofpineneedlesanddirtoftwiceitsownbulkintotheair，andsupporteditthere，likeacolumnsupportingashed。Tenthousandtoadstools，withtherightpurchase，couldliftaman，Isuppose。 Butwhatgoodwoulditdo? Allourafternoon\'sprogresshadbeenuphill。Aboutfiveorhalfpastwereachedthesummit，andallofasuddenthedensecurtainoftheforestpartedandwelookeddownintoadeepandbeautifulgorgeandoutoverawidepanoramaofwoodedmountainswiththeirsummitsshininginthesunandtheirglade-furrowedsidesdimmedwithpurpleshade。Thegorgeunderourfeet——calledAllerheiligen——affordedroominthegrassylevelatitsheadforacozyanddelightfulhumannest，shutawayfromtheworldanditsbotherations，andconsequentlythemonksoftheoldtimeshadnotfailedtospyitout； andherewerethebrownandcomelyruinsoftheirchurchandconventtoprovethatpriestshadasfineaninstinctsevenhundredyearsagoinferretingoutthechoicestnooksandcornersinalandaspriestshavetoday。 Abighotelcrowdstheruinsalittle，now，anddrivesabrisktradewithsummertourists。Wedescendedintothegorgeandhadasupperwhichwouldhavebeenverysatisfactoryifthetrouthadnotbeenboiled。 TheGermansareprettysuretoboilatroutoranythingelseiflefttotheirowndevices。ThisisanargumentofsomevalueinsupportofthetheorythattheyweretheoriginalcolonistsofthewildislandsofthecoastofScotland。Aschoonerladenwithorangeswaswreckedupononeofthoseislandsafewyearsago，andthegentlesavagesrenderedthecaptainsuchwillingassistancethathegavethemasmanyorangesastheywanted。 Nextdayheaskedthemhowtheylikedthem。Theyshooktheirheadsandsaid: \"Baked，theyweretough；andevenboiled，theywarn\'tthingsforahungrymantohankerafter。\" Wewentdowntheglenaftersupper。Itisbeautiful——amixtureofsylvanlovelinessandcraggywildness。 Alimpidtorrentgoeswhistlingdowntheglen，andtowardthefootofitwindsthroughanarrowcleftbetweenloftyprecipicesandhurlsitselfoverasuccessionoffalls。 Afteronepassesthelastofthesehehasabackwardglimpseatthefallswhichisverypleasing——theyriseinaseven-steppedstairwayoffoamyandglitteringcascades，andmakeapicturewhichisascharmingasitisunusual。 CHAPTERXXIII [NicodemusDodgeandtheSkeleton] WeweresatisfiedthatwecouldwalktoOppenauinoneday，nowthatwewereinpractice；sowesetoutthenextmorningafterbreakfastdeterminedtodoit。 Itwasallthewaydownhill，andwehadtheloveliestsummerweatherforit。Sowesetthepedometerandthenstretchedawayonaneasy，regularstride，downthroughtheclovenforest，drawinginthefragrantbreathofthemorningindeeprefreshingdraughts，andwishingwemightneverhaveanythingtodoforeverbutwalktoOppenauandkeepondoingitandthendoingitoveragain。 Now，thetruecharmofpedestrianismdoesnotlieinthewalking，orinthescenery，butinthetalking。 Thewalkingisgoodtotimethemovementofthetongueby，andtokeepthebloodandthebrainstirredupandactive； thesceneryandthewoodsysmellsaregoodtobearinuponamananunconsciousandunobtrusivecharmandsolacetoeyeandsoulandsense；butthesupremepleasurecomesfromthetalk。Itisnomatterwhetheronetalkswisdomornonsense，thecaseisthesame，thebulkoftheenjoymentliesinthewaggingofthegladsomejawandtheflappingofthesympatheticear。 Andwhatmotleyvarietyofsubjectsacoupleofpeoplewillcasuallyrakeoverinthecourseofaday\'stramp!Therebeingnoconstraint，achangeofsubjectisalwaysinorder，andsoabodyisnotlikelytokeeppeggingatasingletopicuntilitgrowstiresome。Wediscussedeverythingweknew，duringthefirstfifteenortwentyminutes，thatmorning，andthenbranchedoutintotheglad，free，boundlessrealmofthethingswewerenotcertainabout。 Harrissaidthatifthebestwriterintheworldoncegottheslovenlyhabitofdoublinguphis\"haves\"hecouldnevergetridofitwhilehelived。Thatistosay，ifamangetsthehabitofsaying\"Ishouldhavelikedtohaveknownmoreaboutit\"insteadofsayingsimplyandsensibly，\"Ishouldhavelikedtoknowmoreaboutit，\" thatman\'sdiseaseisincurable。HarrissaidthathissortoflapseistobefoundineverycopyofeverynewspaperthathaseverbeenprintedinEnglish，andinalmostallofourbooks。HesaidhehadobserveditinKirkham\'sgrammarandinMacaulay。Harrisbelievedthatmilk-teetharecommonerinmen\'smouthsthanthose\"doubled-uphaves。\"[1] 1。IdonotknowthattherehavenotbeenmomentsinthecourseofthepresentsessionwhenIshouldhavebeenverygladtohaveacceptedtheproposalofmynoblefriend，andtohaveexchangedpartsinsomeofoureveningsofwork——[FromaSpeechoftheEnglishChancelloroftheExchequer，August，1879。] Thatchangedthesubjecttodentistry。IsaidIbelievedtheaveragemandreadedtooth-pullingmorethanamputation，andthathewouldyellquickerundertheformeroperationthanhewouldunderthelatter。ThephilosopherHarrissaidthattheaveragemanwouldnotyellineithercaseifhehadanaudience。Thenhecontinued: \"WhenourbrigadefirstwentintocamponthePotomac，weusedtobebroughtupstanding，occasionally，byanear-splittinghowlofanguish。Thatmeantthatasoldierwasgettingatoothpulledinatent。Butthesurgeonssoonchangedthat；theyinstitutedopen-airdentistry。 Thereneverwasahowlafterward——thatis，fromthemanwhowashavingthetoothpulled。Atthedailydentalhourtherewouldalwaysbeaboutfivehundredsoldiersgatheredtogetherintheneighborhoodofthatdentalchairwaitingtoseetheperformance——andhelp；andthemomentthesurgeontookagriponthecandidate\'stoothandbegantolift，everyoneofthosefivehundredrascalswouldclaphishandtohisjawandbegintohoparoundononelegandhowlwithallthelungshehad!Itwasenoughtoraiseyourhairtohearthatvariegatedandenormousunanimouscaterwaulburstout!Withsobigandsoderisiveanaudienceasthat，asufferwouldn\'temitasoundthoughyoupulledhisheadoff。Thesurgeonssaidthatprettyoftenapatientwascompelledtolaugh，inthemidstofhispangs，butthathadnevercaughtonecryingout，aftertheopen-airexhibitionwasinstituted。\" Dentalsurgeonssuggesteddoctors，doctorssuggesteddeath，deathsuggestedskeletons——andso，byalogicalprocesstheconversationmeltedoutofoneofthesesubjectsandintothenext，untilthetopicofskeletonsraisedupNicodemusDodgeoutofthedeepgraveinmymemorywherehehadlainburiedandforgottenfortwenty-fiveyears。 WhenIwasaboyinaprinting-officeinMissouri，aloose-jointed，long-legged，tow-headed，jeans-cladcountrifiedcubofaboutsixteenloungedinoneday，andwithoutremovinghishandsfromthedepthsofhistrouserspocketsortakingoffhisfadedruinofaslouchhat，whosebrokenrimhunglimpandraggedabouthiseyesandearslikeabug-eatencabbageleaf，staredindifferentlyaround，thenleanedhishipagainsttheeditor\'stable，crossedhismightybrogans，aimedatadistantflyfromacreviceinhisupperteeth，laidhimlow，andsaidwithcomposure: \"Whar\'stheboss?\" \"Iamtheboss，\"saidtheeditor，followingthiscuriousbitofarchitecturewonderinglyalonguptoitsclock-facewithhiseye。 \"Don\'twantanybodyfurtolearnthebusiness，\'tain\'tlikely?\" \"Well，Idon\'tknow。Wouldyouliketolearnit?\" \"Pap\'ssopo\'hecain\'trunmenomo\'，soIwanttogitashowsomersifIkin，\'taintnodiffuncewhat——I\'mstrongandhearty，andIdon\'tturnmybackonnokindofwork，hardnursoft。\" \"Doyouthinkyouwouldliketolearntheprintingbusiness?\" \"Well，Idon\'tre\'lyk\'yeradurnwhatIDOlearn，so\'sIgitachancefurtomakemyway。I\'djistassoonlearnprint\'n\'sanything。\" \"Canyouread?\" \"Yes——middlin\'。\" \"Write?\" \"Well，I\'veseedpeoplecouldlayovermethar。\" \"Cipher?\" \"Notgoodenoughtokeepstore，Idon\'treckon，butupasfurastwelve-times-twelveIain\'tnoslouch。 \'Tothersideofthatiswhatgitsme。\" \"Whereisyourhome?\" \"I\'mf\'moldShelby。\" \"What\'syourfather\'sreligiousdenomination?\" \"Him?Oh，he\'sablacksmith。\" \"No，no——Idon\'tmeanhistrade。What\'shisRELIGIOUS DENOMINATION?\" \"OH——Ididn\'tunderstandyoubefo\'。He\'saFreemason。\" \"No，no，youdon\'tgetmymeaningyet。WhatImeanis，doeshebelongtoanyCHURCH?\" \"NOWyou\'retalkin\'!Couldn\'tmakeoutwhatyouwasa-tryin\' togitthroughyo\'headnoway。B\'longtoaCHURCH!Why，boss，he\'sbenthepizenestkindofFree-willBabtis\' forfortyyear。Theyain\'tnopizenerones\'nwhatHEis。 Mightygoodman，papis。Everybodysaysthat。Iftheysaidanydiffrunttheywouldn\'tsayitwhar_I_wuz—— notMUCHtheywouldn\'t。\" \"Whatisyourownreligion?\" \"Well，boss，you\'vekindo\'gotme，there——andyityouhain\'tgotmesomightymuch，nuther。Ithink\'tifafellerhe\'psanotherfellerwhenhe\'sintrouble，anddon\'tcuss，anddon\'tdonomeanthings，nurnoth\'n\' heain\'nobusinesstodo，anddon\'tspelltheSaviour\'snamewithalittleg，heain\'trunnin\'noresks——he\'saboutassaiftasheb\'longedtoachurch。\" \"Butsupposehedidspellitwithalittleg——whatthen?\" \"Well，ifhedoneita-purpose，Ireckonhewouldn\'tstandnochance——heOUGHTN\'Ttohavenochance，anyway，I\'mmostrottencertain\'boutthat。\" \"Whatisyourname?\" \"NicodemusDodge。\" \"Ithinkmaybeyou\'lldo，Nicodemus。We\'llgiveyouatrial，anyway。\" \"Allright。\" \"Whenwouldyouliketobegin?\" \"Now。\" So，withintenminutesafterwehadfirstglimpsedthisnondescripthewasoneofus，andwithhiscoatoffandhardatit。 Beyondthatendofourestablishmentwhichwasfurthestfromthestreet，wasadesertedgarden，pathless，andthicklygrownwiththebloomyandvillainous\"jimpson\" weedanditscommonfriendthestatelysunflower。 Inthemidstofthismournfulspotwasadecayedandagedlittle\"frame\"housewithbutoneroom，onewindow，andnoceiling——ithadbeenasmoke-houseagenerationbefore。 Nicodemuswasgiventhislonelyandghostlydenasabedchamber。 ThevillagesmartiesrecognizedatreasureinNicodemus，rightaway——abutttoplayjokeson。Itwaseasytoseethathewasinconceivablygreenandconfiding。GeorgeJoneshadthegloryofperpetratingthefirstjokeonhim； hegavehimacigarwithafirecrackerinitandwinkedtothecrowdtocome；thethingexplodedpresentlyandsweptawaythebulkofNicodemus\'seyebrowsandeyelashes。 Hesimplysaid: \"Iconsiderthemkindofseeg\'yarsdangersome，\"——andseemedtosuspectnothing。ThenexteveningNicodemuswaylaidGeorgeandpouredabucketofice-wateroverhim。 Oneday，whileNicodemuswasinswimming，TomMcElroy\"tied\"hisclothes。NicodemusmadeabonfireofTom\'sbywayofretaliation。 AthirdjokewasplayeduponNicodemusadayortwolater——hewalkedupthemiddleaisleofthevillagechurch，Sundaynight，withastaringhandbillpinnedbetweenhisshoulders。 Thejokerspenttheremainderofthenight，afterchurch，inthecellarofadesertedhouse，andNicodemussatonthecellardoortilltowardbreakfast-timetomakesurethattheprisonerrememberedthatifanynoisewasmade，someroughtreatmentwouldbetheconsequence。Thecellarhadtwofeetofstagnantwaterinit，andwasbottomedwithsixinchesofsoftmud。 ButIwanderfromthepoint。Itwasthesubjectofskeletonsthatbroughtthisboybacktomyrecollection。 Beforeaverylongtimehadelapsed，thevillagesmartiesbegantofeelanuncomfortableconsciousnessofnothavingmadeaveryshiningsuccessoutoftheirattemptsonthesimpletonfrom\"oldShelby。\"Experimentersgrewscarceandchary。Nowtheyoungdoctorcametotherescue。 TherewasdelightandapplausewhenheproposedtoscareNicodemustodeath，andexplainedhowhewasgoingtodoit。 Hehadanoblenewskeleton——theskeletonofthelateandonlylocalcelebrity，JimmyFinn，thevillagedrunkard——agrislypieceofpropertywhichhehadboughtofJimmyFinnhimself，atauction，forfiftydollars，undergreatcompetition，whenJimmylayverysickinthetan-yardafortnightbeforehisdeath。Thefiftydollarshadgonepromptlyforwhiskeyandhadconsiderablyhurriedupthechangeofownershipintheskeleton。 ThedoctorwouldputJimmyFinn\'sskeletoninNicodemus\'sbed! Thiswasdone——abouthalfpasttenintheevening。 AboutNicodemus\'susualbedtime——midnight——thevillagejokerscamecreepingstealthilythroughthejimpsonweedsandsunflowerstowardthelonelyframeden。 Theyreachedthewindowandpeepedin。Theresatthelong-leggedpauper，onhisbed，inaveryshortshirt，andnothingmore；hewasdanglinghislegscontentedlybackandforth，andwheezingthemusicof\"CamptownRaces\" outofapaper-overlaidcombwhichhewaspressingagainsthismouth；byhimlayanewjewsharp，anewtop，andsolidindia-rubberball，ahandfulofpaintedmarbles，fivepoundsof\"store\"candy，andawell-gnawedslabofgingerbreadasbigandasthickasavolumeofsheet-music。 Hehadsoldtheskeletontoatravelingquackforthreedollarsandwasenjoyingtheresult! Justaswehadfinishedtalkingaboutskeletonsandweredriftingintothesubjectoffossils，HarrisandIheardashout，andglancedupthesteephillside。Wesawmenandwomenstandingawayuptherelookingfrightened，andtherewasabulkyobjecttumblingandflounderingdownthesteepslopetowardus。Wegotoutoftheway，andwhentheobjectlandedintheroaditprovedtobeaboy。 Hehadtrippedandfallen，andtherewasnothingforhimtodobuttrusttoluckandtakewhatmightcome。 Whenonestartstorolldownaplacelikethat，thereisnostoppingtillthebottomisreached。ThinkofpeopleFARMINGonaslantwhichissosteepthatthebestyoucansayofit——ifyouwanttobefastidiouslyaccurate——is，thatitisalittlesteeperthanaladderandnotquitesosteepasamansardroof。Butthatiswhattheydo。 SomeofthelittlefarmsonthehillsideoppositeHeidelbergwerestoodup\"edgeways。\"Theboywaswonderfullyjoltedup，andhisheadwasbleeding，fromcutswhichithadgotfromsmallstonesontheway。 HarrisandIgatheredhimupandsethimonastone，andbythattimethemenandwomenhadscampereddownandbroughthiscap。 Men，women，andchildrenflockedoutfromneighboringcottagesandjoinedthecrowd；thepaleboywaspetted，andstaredat，andcommiserated，andwaterwasbroughtforhimtodrinkandbathehisbruisesin。 Andsuchanotherclatteroftongues!Allwhohadseenthecatastropheweredescribingitatonce，andeachtryingtotalklouderthanhisneighbor；andoneyouthofasuperiorgeniusranalittlewayupthehill，calledattention，tripped，fell，rolleddownamongus，andthustriumphantlyshowedexactlyhowthethinghadbeendone。 HarrisandIwereincludedinallthedescriptions； howwewerecomingalong；howHansGrossshouted； howwelookedupstartled；howwesawPetercominglikeacannon-shot；howjudiciouslywegotoutoftheway，andlethimcome；andwithwhatpresenceofmindwepickedhimupandbrushedhimoffandsethimonarockwhentheperformancewasover。Wewereasmuchheroesasanybodyelse，exceptPeter，andweresorecognized； weweretakenwithPeterandthepopulacetoPeter\'smother\'scottage，andthereweatebreadandcheese，anddrankmilkandbeerwitheverybody，andhadamostsociablegoodtime；andwhenweleftwehadahandshakeallaround，andwerereceivingandshoutingbackLEB\' WOHL\'suntilaturnintheroadseparatedusfromourcordialandkindlynewfriendsforever。 Weaccomplishedourundertaking。AthalfpasteightintheeveningwesteppedintoOppenau，justelevenhoursandahalfoutofAllerheiligen——onehundredandforty-sixmiles。Thisisthedistancebypedometer； theguide-bookandtheImperialOrdinancemapsmakeitonlytenandaquarter——asurprisingblunder，forthesetwoauthoritiesareusuallysingularlyaccurateinthematterofdistances。 CHAPTERXXIV [IProtecttheEmpressofGermany] Thatwasathoroughlysatisfactorywalk——andtheonlyonewewereevertohavewhichwasallthewaydownhill。 WetookthetrainnextmorningandreturnedtoBaden-Badenthroughfearfulfogsofdust。Everyseatwascrowded，too； foritwasSunday，andconsequentlyeverybodywastakinga\"pleasure\"excursion。Hot!theskywasanoven——andasoundone，too，withnocracksinittoletinanyair。 Anoddtimeforapleasureexcursion，certainly! Sundayisthegreatdayonthecontinent——thefreeday，thehappyday。OnecanbreaktheSabbathinahundredwayswithoutcommittinganysin。 WedonotworkonSunday，becausethecommandmentforbidsit； theGermansdonotworkonSunday，becausethecommandmentforbidsit。WerestonSunday，becausethecommandmentrequiresit；theGermansrestonSundaybecausethecommandmentrequiresit。Butinthedefinitionoftheword\"rest\"liesallthedifference。Withus，itsSundaymeaningis，stayinthehouseandkeepstill； withtheGermansitsSundayandweek-daymeaningsseemtobethesame——resttheTIREDPART，andnevermindtheotherpartsoftheframe；restthetiredpart，andusethemeansbestcalculatedtorestthatparticularpart。 Thus:Ifone\'sdutieshavekepthiminthehousealltheweek，itwillresthimtobeoutonSunday；ifhisdutieshaverequiredhimtoreadweightyandseriousmatteralltheweek，itwillresthimtoreadlightmatteronSunday； ifhisoccupationhasbusiedhimwithdeathandfuneralsalltheweek，itwillresthimtogotothetheaterSundaynightandputintwoorthreehourslaughingatacomedy； ifheistiredwithdiggingditchesorfellingtreesalltheweek，itwillresthimtoliequietinthehouseonSunday；ifthehand，thearm，thebrain，thetongue，oranyothermember，isfatiguedwithinanition，itisnottoberestedbyaddedaday\'sinanition； butifamemberisfatiguedwithexertion，inanitionistherightrestforit。SuchisthewayinwhichtheGermansseemtodefinetheword\"rest\"；thatistosay，theyrestamemberbyrecreating，recuperating，restoreitsforces。 Butourdefinitionislessbroad。WeallrestalikeonSunday——bysecludingourselvesandkeepingstill，whetherthatisthesurestwaytorestthemostofusornot。TheGermansmaketheactors，thepreachers，etc。，workonSunday。Weencouragethepreachers，theeditors，theprinters，etc。，toworkonSunday，andimaginethatnoneofthesinofitfallsuponus； butIdonotknowhowwearegoingtogetaroundthefactthatifitiswrongfortheprintertoworkathistradeonSundayitmustbeequallywrongforthepreachertoworkathis，sincethecommandmenthasmadenoexceptioninhisfavor。WebuyMondaymorning\'spaperandreadit，andthusencourageSundayprinting。ButIshallneverdoitagain。 TheGermansremembertheSabbath-daytokeepitholy，byabstainingfromwork，ascommanded；wekeepitholybyabstainingfromwork，ascommanded，andbyalsoabstainingfromplay，whichisnotcommanded。 PerhapsweconstructivelyBREAKthecommandtorest，becausetherestingwedoisinmostcasesonlyaname，andnotafact。 Thesereasoningshavesufficed，inameasure，tomendtherentinmyconsciencewhichImadebytravelingtoBaden-BadenthatSunday。WearrivedintimetofurbishupandgettotheEnglishchurchbeforeservicesbegan。 Wearrivedinconsiderablestyle，too，forthelandlordhadorderedthefirstcarriagethatcouldbefound，sincetherewasnotimetolose，andourcoachmanwassosplendidlyliveriedthatwewereprobablymistakenforabraceofstraydukes；whyelsewerewehonoredwithapewalltoourselves，awayupamongtheveryelectattheleftofthechancel?Thatwasmyfirstthought。 Inthepewdirectlyinfrontofussatanelderlylady，plainlyandcheaplydressed；athersidesatayoungladywithaverysweetface，andshealsowasquitesimplydressed；butaroundusandaboutuswereclothesandjewelswhichitwoulddoanybody\'sheartgoodtoworshipin。 Ithoughtitwasprettymanifestthattheelderlyladywasembarrassedatfindingherselfinsuchaconspicuousplacearrayedinsuchcheapapparel；Ibegantofeelsorryforherandtroubledabouther。Shetriedtoseemverybusywithherprayer-bookandherresponses，andunconsciousthatshewasoutofplace，butIsaidtomyself，\"Sheisnotsucceeding——thereisadistressedtremulousnessinhervoicewhichbetraysincreasingembarrassment。\" PresentlytheSavior\'snamewasmentioned，andinherflurryshelostherheadcompletely，androseandcourtesied，insteadofmakingaslightnodaseverybodyelsedid。 ThesympatheticbloodsurgedtomytemplesandIturnedandgavethosefinebirdswhatIintendedtobeabeseechinglook，butmyfeelingsgotthebetterofmeandchangeditintoalookwhichsaid，\"Ifanyofyoupetsoffortunelaughatthispoorsoul，youwilldeservetobeflayedforit。\" Thingswentfrombadtoworse，andIshortlyfoundmyselfmentallytakingtheunfriendedladyundermyprotection。 Mymindwaswhollyuponher。Iforgotallaboutthesermon。 Herembarrassmenttookstrongerandstrongerholduponher； shegottosnappingthelidofhersmelling-bottle——itmadealoud，sharpsound，butinhertroubleshesnappedandsnappedaway，unconsciousofwhatshewasdoing。 Thelastextremitywasreachedwhenthecollection-platebeganitsrounds；themoderatepeoplethrewinpennies，thenoblesandtherichcontributedsilver，butshelaidatwenty-markgoldpieceuponthebook-restbeforeherwithasoundingslap!Isaidtomyself，\"Shehaspartedwithallherlittlehoardtobuytheconsiderationoftheseunpityingpeople——itisasorrowfulspectacle。\"Ididnotventuretolookaroundthistime；butastheserviceclosed，Isaidtomyself，\"Letthemlaugh，itistheiropportunity； butatthedoorofthischurchtheyshallseeherstepintoourfinecarriagewithus，andourgaudycoachmanshalldriveherhome。\" Thensherose——andallthecongregationstoodwhileshewalkeddowntheaisle。ShewastheEmpressofGermany! No——shehadnotbeensomuchembarrassedasIhadsupposed。 Myimaginationhadgotstartedonthewrongscent，andthatisalwayshopeless；oneissure，then，togostraightonmisinterpretingeverything，clearthroughtotheend。 TheyoungladywithherimperialMajestywasamaidofhonor——andIhadbeentakingherforoneofherboarders，allthetime。 ThisistheonlytimeIhaveeverhadanEmpressundermypersonalprotection；andconsideringmyinexperience，IwonderIgotthroughwithitsowell。IshouldhavebeenalittleembarrassedmyselfifIhadknownearlierwhatsortofacontractIhadonmyhands。 WefoundthattheEmpresshadbeeninBaden-Badenseveraldays。ItissaidthatsheneverattendsanybuttheEnglishformofchurchservice。 Ilayabedandreadandrestedfrommyjourney\'sfatiguestheremainderofthatSunday，butIsentmyagenttorepresentmeattheafternoonservice，forIneverallowanythingtointerferewithmyhabitofattendingchurchtwiceeverySunday。 Therewasavastcrowdinthepublicgroundsthatnighttohearthebandplaythe\"Fremersberg。\"Thispiecetellsoneoftheoldlegendsoftheregion；howagreatnobleoftheMiddleAgesgotlostinthemountains，andwanderedaboutwithhisdogsinaviolentstorm，untilatlastthefainttonesofamonasterybell，callingthemonkstoamidnightservice，caughthisear，andhefollowedthedirectionthesoundscamefromandwassaved。 Abeautifulairranthroughthemusic，withoutceasing，sometimesloudandstrong，sometimessosoftthatitcouldhardlybedistinguished——butitwasalwaysthere； itswunggrandlyalongthroughtheshrillwhistlingofthestorm-wind，therattlingpatteroftherain，andtheboomandcrashofthethunder；itwoundsoftandlowthroughthelessersounds，thedistantones，suchasthethrobbingoftheconventbell，themelodiouswindingofthehunter\'shorn，thedistressedbayingsofhisdogs，andthesolemnchantingofthemonks； itroseagain，withajubilantring，andmingleditselfwiththecountrysongsanddancesofthepeasantsassembledintheconventhalltocheeruptherescuedhuntsmanwhileheatehissupper。Theinstrumentsimitatedallthesesoundswithamarvelousexactness。Morethanonemanstartedtoraisehisumbrellawhenthestormburstforthandthesheetsofmimicraincamedrivingby； itwashardlypossibletokeepfromputtingyourhandtoyourhatwhenthefiercewindbegantorageandshriek； anditwasNOTpossibletorefrainfromstartingwhenthosesuddenandcharminglyrealthunder-crasheswereletloose。 Isupposethe\"Fremersberg\"isaverylow-grademusic； Iknow，indeed，thatitMUSTbelow-grademusic，becauseitdelightedme，warmedme，movedme，stirredme，upliftedme，enrapturedme，thatIwasfullofcryallthetime，andmadwithenthusiasm。MysoulhadneverhadsuchascouringoutsinceIwasborn。Thesolemnandmajesticchantingofthemonkswasnotdonebyinstruments，butbymen\'svoices；anditroseandfell，androseagaininthatrichconfusionofwarringsounds，andpulsingbells，andthestatelyswingofthatever-presentenchantingair，anditseemedtomethatnothingbuttheverylowestoflow-grademusicCOULDbesodivinelybeautiful。 Thegreatcrowdwhichthe\"Fremersberg\"hadcalledoutwasanotherevidencethatitwaslow-grademusic；foronlythefewareeducateduptoapointwherehigh-grademusicgivespleasure。Ihaveneverheardenoughclassicmusictobeabletoenjoyit。IdisliketheoperabecauseIwanttoloveitandcan\'t。 Isupposetherearetwokindsofmusic——onekindwhichonefeels，justasanoystermight，andanothersortwhichrequiresahigherfaculty，afacultywhichmustbeassistedanddevelopedbyteaching。Yetifbasemusicgivescertainofuswings，whyshouldwewantanyother? Butwedo。Wewantitbecausethehigherandbetterlikeit。Wewantitwithoutgivingitthenecessarytimeandtrouble；soweclimbintothatuppertier，thatdress-circle，byalie；wePRETENDwelikeit。 Iknowseveralofthatsortofpeople——andIproposetobeoneofthemmyselfwhenIgethomewithmyfineEuropeaneducation。