Ihadbeenthinkingofmyfamily——ofmyfamilyintermsofMatthew——andyetwithagrowingyearningthatembracedthemall.IhadnotinformedMaudeofmyillness,andIhadmanagedtowarnTomPetersnottodoso.
IhadsimplywrittenherthatafterthecampaignIhadgoneforaresttoCalifornia;yetinherletterstome,afterthisinformationhadreachedher,Idetectedarestrainedanxietyandaffectionthattroubledme.
Sequencesofwordscuriouslyconveymeaningsandimplicationsthattranscendtheirliteralsense,truethoughtsandfeelingsaredifficulttodisguiseeveninwrittenspeech.CoulditbepossibleafterallthathadhappenedthatMaudestilllovedme?Icontinuallyputthethoughtawayfromme,butcontinuallyitreturnedtohauntme.SupposeMaudecouldnothelplovingme,inspiteofmyweaknessesandfaults,evenasI
lovedNancyinspiteofhers?Loveisnologicalthing.
ItwasMatthewIwanted,MatthewofwhomIthought,andtrivial,long-
forgottenincidentsofthepastkeptrecurringtomeconstantly.Istillreceivedhisweeklyletters;buthedidnotaskwhy,sinceIhadtakenavacation,Ihadnotcomeovertothem.Herepresentedthemedium,thelinkbetweenMaudeandmethatnoestrangement,noseparationcouldbreak.
Allthisnewvisionofminewasforhim,forthecominggeneration,thesoilinwhichitmustbesown,theAmericansofthefuture.AndwhosowellasMatthew,sensitiveyetbrave,wouldrespondtoit?IwishednotonlytogivehimwhatIhadbeguntograsp,tostudywithhim,tobehiscompanionandfriend,buttosparehim,ifpossible,someofmyownmistakesandsufferingsandpunishments.ButcouldIgoback?HappycoincidencesofdesiresandconvictionshadbeensocharacteristicofthatotherselfIhadbeenstrugglingtocastoff:Ihadsoeasilybeenpersuaded,whenIhadhadachanceofgettingNancy,thatitwastherightthingtodo!Andnow,inmyloneliness,wasInotgrowingjustaseagertobeconvincedthatitwasmydutytogobacktothefamilywhichinthehourofself-sufficiencyIhadcastoff?Ihadbelievedindivorcethen——whynotnow?Well,Istillbelievedinit.IhadthoughtofaunionwithNancyassomethingthatwouldbringaboutthe\"self-
realizationthatspringsfromthegratificationofagreatpassion,\"——anappealingphraseIhadreadsomewhere.But,itwasatleastafavourablesymptomthatIwaswillingnowtoconfessthatthe\"self-realization\"hadbeenasecondaryandsentimentalconsideration,arosy,self-createdhalotogiveamoralandreligioussanctiontomydesire.WasInottryingtodothatverythingnow?Ittorturedmetothinkso;Istrovetoachieveadetachedconsiderationoftheproblem,——toarriveatlengthatathoughtthatseemedilluminating:thattheitwrongness\"or\"rightness,\"
utilityandhappinessofallsuchunionsdependuponwhetherornottheybecomeapartofthewoofandwarpofthesocialfabric;inotherwords,whetherthegratificationofanyparticularlovebydivorceandremarriagedoesordoesnottendtodestroyaportionofthatfabric.
Nancycertainlywouldhavebeenjustifiedindivorce.ItdidnotseemintheretrospectthatIwouldhavebeen:surelynotif,afterIhadmarriedNancy,Ihaddevelopedthisviewoflifethatseemedtometobethetrueview.Ishouldhavebeenpowerlesstoactuponit.ButthechanceswereIshouldnothavedevelopedit,sinceitwouldseemthatanysalvationformeatleastmustcomepreciselythroughsuffering,throughnotgettingwhatIwanted.Wasthisequivocating?
MymistakehadbeeninmarryingMaudeinsteadofNancy——amistakelargelyduetomysaturationwithafalseideaoflife.Wouldnottheattempttocutloosefromtheconsequencesofthatmistakeinmyindividualcasehavebeenfutile?Buttherewasaremedyforit——theremedyKrebshadsuggested:Imightstillpreventmychildrenfrommakingsuchamistake,ImighthelptocreateinthemwhatImighthavebeen,andthusfindasolutionformyself.Myerrorswouldthenassumeavalue.
Butthequestiontorturedme:wouldMaudewishit?Woulditbefairtoherifshedidnot?BymylongneglectIhadforfeitedtherighttogo.
Andwouldsheagreewithmypointofviewifshedidpermitmetostay?
Ihadlessconcernonthisscore,afeelingthatthatdevelopmentofhers,whichoncehadirritatedme,wasinthesamedirectionasmyown
Ihavestillstrangelytorecordmomentswhen,inspiteoftheaspirationsIhadachieved,oftheredeemingvisionIhadgained,atthethoughtofreturningtoherIrevolted.AtsuchtimesrecollectionscameintomymindofthosecharacteristicsinherthathadseemedmostresponsibleformyalienationThatdemonIhadfedsomightilystilllived.Bywhatright——heseemedtoask——hadInourishedhimalltheseyearsifnowImeanttostarvehim?Thussometimeshedefiedme,tookonProteanguises,blustered,insinuated,cajoled,managedtomakemebelievethattostarvehimwouldbetostarvemyself,tosapalltherewasofpowerinme.LetmetryandseeifIcoulddoit!Againhewhispered,towhatpurposehadIgainedmyliberty,ifnowIrenouncedit?Icouldnotliveinfetters,eventhoughthefettersshouldbeself-
imposed.Iwaslonelynow,butIwouldgetoverthat,andlifelaybeforemestill.
Fierceandtenacious,steelinthecrueltyofhisdesires,fearfulinthehavochehadwrought,couldhebesubdued?Foiled,hetoreandrentme
OnemorningIrodeupthroughtheshadycanon,fragrantwithbay,totheopenslopesstainedsmoky-bluebythewildlilac,wherethetwistedmadronagrows.AsIsatgazingdownontinyheadlandsjuttingoutintoavastoceanmyparalyzingindecisioncametoanend.Iturnedmyhorsedownthetrailagain.IhadseenatlastthatlifewasbiggerthanI,biggerthanMaude,biggerthanourindividualwishesanddesires.Ifeltasthoughheavyshackleshadbeenstruckfromme.AsInearedthehouseIspiedmyyoungdoctorinthegardenpath,hishandsinhispocketswatchingahumming-birdpoisedoverthepoppies.Hegreetedmewithalookthatwasnotwhollysurpriseatmyearlyreturn,thatseemedtohaveinitsomethingofgladness.
\"Strafford,\"Isaid,\"I\'vemadeupmymindtogotoEurope.\"
\"Ihavebeenthinkingforsometime,Mr.Paret,\"hereplied,\"thatasea-
voyageisjustwhatyouneedtosetyouonyourfeet.\"
Istartedeastwardthenextmorning,arrivinginNewYorkintimetocatchoneofthebiglinerssailingforHavre.OnmywayacrossthecontinentIdecidedtosendacabletoMaudeatParis,sinceitwereonlyfairtogiveheranopportunitytoreflectuponthemannerinwhichshewouldmeetthesituation.SaveforanimpatiencewhichatmomentsI
restrainedwithdifficulty,themoodsthatsucceededoneanotherasI
journeyeddidnotdiffergreatlyfromthoseIhadexperiencedinthepastmonth.Iwasalternatelyexaltedanddepressed;Ihopedanddoubtedandfeared;mycourage,myconfidenceroseandfell.AndyetIwasawareofthenascencewithinmeofanelementthatgavemeastabilityIhadhithertolacked:Ihadmademydecision,andIfeltthestrongerforit.
ItwasearlyinMarch.Theannualrushofmycountrymenandwomenforforeignshoreshadnotasyetbegun,thehugesteamerwasfarfromcrowded.ThefaintthrobbingofherenginesassheglidedoutontheNorthRivertidefounditsechowithinmeasIleanedontheheavyrailandwatchedthetowersofthecityrecedinginthemist;theybecameblurredandghostlike,fantasticinthegreydistance,sad,appealingwithastrangebeautyandpower.Oncethesightofthem,sunlit,standingforthsharplyagainstthehighblueofAmericanskies,hadstirredinmethatpassionforwealthandpowerofwhichtheyweresomarvellouslyanduniquelytheembodiment.Irecalledthebrightdayofmyhome-comingwithMaude,whenshetoohadfeltthatpassiondrawingmeawayfromher,afterthebriefestofpossessionsWell,Ihadhadit,thepower.Ihadstormedandgainedentrancetothecitadelitself.I
mighthavelivedhereinNewYork,secure,defiantofaveeringpublicopinionthatenviedwhileitstrovetosting.WhywasIflingingitallaway?Wasthisasuddenresolutionofmine,forcedbyevents,precipitatedbyafailuretoachievewhatofallthingsonearthIhadmostdesired?orwasittheinevitableresultofthedevelopmentoftheHughParetofearlierdays,whowasnotmeantforthatkindofpower?
Thevibrationofthemonstershipincreasedtoastrong,electricpulsation,thewaterhummedalonghersides,shefelttheswelloftheopensea.Afinerainbegantofallthathidtheland——yes,andthelifeIwasleaving.Imademywayacrosstheglisteningdecktothesaloonwhere,mynewspapersandperiodicalsneglected,Isatallthemorningbesideawindowgazingoutatthelimited,vignettedzoneofwatersaroundtheship.WewereheadedfortheOldWorld.Thewindrose,therainbecamepelting,minglingwiththespumeofthewhitecapsracingmadlypast:withinwerewarmthandluxury,electriclights,openfires,easychairs,andmenandwomenreading,conversingasunconcernedlyasthoughtheperilsofthedeephadceasedtobe.InallthisIfoundanimpellinginterest;thenaivecapacityinmeforwonder,solongdormant,hadbeenmarvellouslyopeneduponcemore.Inolongerthoughtofmyselfastheimportantmanofaffairs;andwhenintheprogressofthevoyageIwasaccostedbytwoorthreemenI
hadmetandbyotherswhohadheardofmeitwasonlytofeelamazementattheremotenessInowfeltfromaworldwhoserealitieswerestocksandbonds,railroadsandcorporationsandthedetestednewpoliticssoinimicaltothesmoothconductof\"business.\"
ItallsoundedlikealanguageIhadforgotten.
Itwasnotuntilneartheendofthepassagethatweranoutofthestorm.AmorningcamewhenIwentondecktosurveyspacesofablueandwhiteseasweptbythewhiteMarchsunlight;todiscernatlengthagainstthehorizontowardwhichwespedacloudofthefilmiestandmostdelicatetextureanddesign.SuddenlyIdivinedthatthecloudwasFrance!Littlebylittle,asIwatched,ittookonsubstance.Imadeoutheadlandsandcliffs,andthenwewerecoastingbesidethem.ThatnightIshouldbeinPariswithMaude.Mybagwaspacked,mysteamertrunkclosed.Istrayedaboutthedecks,inandoutofthesaloons,wonderingattheindifferenceofotherpassengerswhosatreadinginsteamer-chairsorwrotelastletterstobepostedatHavre.Iwasfilledwithimpatience,anticipation,yes,withanxietyconcerningtheadventurethatwasnowsoimminent;withwaveringdoubts.HadIdonethewisestthingafterall?IhadthefamiliarexperiencethatoftencomesjustbeforereunionafterabsenceofrecallingintimateandforgottenimpressionsofthosewhomIwasabouttoseeagainthetonesoftheirvoices,littlegestures
Howwouldtheyreceiveme?
Thegreatshiphadsloweddownandwasenteringtheharbour,carefullythreadingherwayamongstsmallercraft,thepassengersliningtherailsandgazingattheanimatedscene,atthequaintandcheerfulFrenchcitybathedinsunlightIhadreachedthedockandwasmakingmywaythroughthehurryingandshiftinggroupstowardthesteamertrainwhenI
sawMaude.Shewasstandingalittleaside,scanningthefacesthatpassedher.
Irememberhowshelookedatme,expectantly,yettimidly,almostfearfully.Ikissedher.
\"You\'vecometomeetme!\"Iexclaimedstupidly.\"Howarethechildren?\"
\"They\'reverywell,Hugh.Theywantedtocome,too,butIthoughtitbetternot.\"
Herrestraintstruckmeasextraordinary;andwhileIwasthankfulforthereliefitbroughttoasituationwhichmighthavebeenawkward,Iwasconsciousofresentingitalittle.Iwasimpressedandpuzzled.AsI
walkedalongtheplatformbesidehersheseemedalmostastranger:Ihaddifficultyinrealizingthatshewasmywife,themotherofmychildren.
Hereyeswereclear,moreseriousthanIrecalledthem,andherphysicalaswellashermoraltoneseemedtohaveimproved.Hercheeksglowedwithhealth,andsheworeabecomingsuitofdarkblue.
\"Didyouhaveagoodtrip,Hugh?\"sheasked.
\"Splendid,\"Isaid,forgettingthestorm.Wetookourseatsinanemptycompartment.Wasshegladtoseeme?ShehadcomeallthewayfromParistomeetme!Alltheembarrassmentseemedtobeonmyside.Wasthiscomposureacontrolledoneorhadsheindeedattainedtotheself-
sufficiencyhermannerandpresenceimplied?Suchwerethequestionsrunningthroughmyhead.
\"You\'vereallylikedParis?\"Iasked.
\"Yes,Hugh,andit\'sbeenverygoodforusall.OfcoursetheboyslikeAmericabetter,butthey\'velearnedmanythingstheywouldn\'thavelearnedathome;theybothspeakFrench,andBiddytoo.EvenIhaveimproved.\"
\"I\'msureofit,\"Isaid.
Sheflushed.
\"Andwhatelsehaveyoubeendoing?\"
\"Oh,goingtogalleries.Matthewoftengoeswithme.Ithinkhequiteappreciatesthepictures.SometimesItakehimtothetheatre,too,theFrancais.BothboysrideintheBoiswitharidingmaster.It\'sbeenratherarestrictedlifeforthem,butitwon\'thavehurtthem.It\'sgooddiscipline.WehavelittleexcursionsinanautomobileonfinedaystoVersaillesandotherplacesofinterestaroundParis,andMatthewandIhavelearnedalotofhistory.IhaveaprofessorofliteraturefromtheSorbonnecomeinthreetimesaweektogivemelessons.\"
\"Ididn\'tknowyoucaredforliterature.\"
\"Ididn\'tknowiteither.\"Shesmiled.\"Matthewlovesit.MonsieurDesparddeclareshehasquiteagiftforlanguage.\"
MaudehadalreadybegunMatthew\'seducation!
\"Youseeafewpeople?\"Iinquired.
\"Afew.Andtheyhavebeenverykindtous.TheBuffons,whomImetatEtretat,andsomeoftheirfriends,mostlyeducatedFrenchpeople.\"
ThelittlerailwaycarriageinwhichwesatrockedwithspeedasweflewthroughtheFrenchlandscape.Icaughtglimpsesofsolid,Normanfarmbuildings,oftowersandkeepsanddelicatesteeples,andquainttowns;
ofbarepoplarsswayingbeforetheMarchgusts,ofgreenfieldsablazeintheafternoonsun.Itookitallindistractedly.HerewasMaudebesideme,butaMaudeIhaddifficultyinrecognizing,whomIdidnotunderstand:whotalkedofalifeshehadbuiltupforherselfandthatseemedtosatisfyher;onewithwhichIhadnothingtodo.Icouldnottellhowsheregardedmyre-intrusion.Asshecontinuedtotalk,afeelingthatwasalmostdesperationgrewuponme.Ihadthingstosaytoher,thingsthateverymomentofthissortofintercoursewasmakingmoredifficult.AndIfelt,ifIdidnotsaythemnow,thatperhapsInevershould:thatnoworneverwastheappropriatetime,andtodelaywouldbetodriftintoanimpossiblesituationwhereinthechanceofanunderstandingwouldberemote.
Therewasapause.HowlittleIhadanticipatedthecourageitwouldtaketodothisthing!Mybloodwashammering.
\"Maude,\"Isaidabruptly,\"Isupposeyou\'rewonderingwhyIcameoverhere.\"
Shesatgazingatme,verystill,buttherecameintohereyesafrightenedlookthatalmostunnervedme.Sheseemedtowishtospeak,tobeunableto.Passively,sheletmyhandrestonhers.
\"I\'vebeenthinkingagreatdealduringthelastfewmonths,\"Iwentonunsteadily.\"AndI\'vechangedagoodmanyofmyideas——thatis,I\'vegotnewones,aboutthingsIneverthoughtofbefore.Iwanttosay,first,thatIdonotputforthanyclaimtocomebackintoyourlife.IknowI
