AccompaniedbyyoungDr.Strafford,IwenttoCalifornia.Myphysicalillnesshadbeenbrief.Dr.Brookehadtakenmattersinhisownhandsandorderedanabsoluterest,afterdwellingatsomelengthontheviciouspacesetbymodernbusinessandthelackofconsiderationandknowledgeshownbymenofaffairsfortheirbodies.Therewasalimittothewrackandstrainwhichthehumanorganismcouldstand.Hemustofcoursehavesuspectedthepresenceofdisturbinganddisintegratingfactors,butheconfinedhimselftotellingmethatonlyanexceptionalconstitutionhadsavedmefromaseriousillness;hemustinawayhavecomprehendedwhyIdidnotwishtogoabroad,andhavemyfamilyjoinmeontheRiviera,asTomPetersproposed.Californiahadbeenmychoice,andDr.BrookerecommendedtheclimateofSantaBarbara.
HighupontheMontecitohillsIfoundavillabesidethegatewayofoneofthedeepcanonsthatfurrowthemountainside,anddayafterdayIlayinachaironthesunnyterrace,withacontinuallyrecurringamazementatthebrilliancyofmysurroundings.IntheearlymorningIlookeddownonafeatherymisthidingtheworld,amistpresentlytobeshotwithsilverandsapphire-blue,dissolvedbyslowenchantmentuntiltherelayrevealedtheplainandtheshimmeringoceanwithitsdistantislandstremblinginthehaze.Atsunsetmyeyessoughtthemountains,mountainsunreal,likeglorifiedsceneryofgrandopera,withvioletshadowsinthewoodedcanonclefts,andcragsofpinktourmalineandrubyagainsttheskies.Alldaylonginthetemperedheatflowersblazedaroundme,insectshummed,lizardsdartedinandoutoftheterracewall,birdsflashedamongthecheckeredshadowsoftheliveoaks.ThatgroveofgnarledoakssummonedupbeforemevisionsofsomeclassicvillapoisedaboveGrecianseas,shiningamidstdarkfoliage,therefugeofforgottenkings.Belowme,ontheslope,thespacedorangetreeswereheavywithgoldenfruit.
Afterawhile,asIgrewstronger,Iwasdrivendownandallowedtowalkonthewidebeachthatstretchedinfrontofthegayhousesfacingthesea.CormorantsdivedunderthelongrollersthatcamecrashinginfromthePacific;gullswheeledandscreamedinthesoftwind;alertlittlebirdsdartedhereandtherewithincredibleswiftness,leavingtinyfootprintsacrosstheribsandfurrowsofthewetsand.Fartothesouthwardadarkbarrierofmountainsroseoutofthesea.SometimesI
satwithmybackagainsttheduneswatchingthedragoftheoutgoingwaterrollingthepebblesafterit,makingagleamingfloorforthelighttodance.
AtfirstIcouldnotbeartorecalltheeventsthathadprecededandfollowedmyvisittoKrebsthatSundaymorning.Myillnesshadbegunthatnight;ontheMondayTomPetershadcometotheClubandinsisteduponmybeingtakentohishouseWhenIhadrecoveredsufficientlytherehadbeenratherapatheticrenewalofourfriendship.Perrycametoseeme.Theirattitudewasoneofapprehensionnotunmixedwithwonder;andthoughthey,knewoftheexistenceofamentalcrisis,suspected,inallprobability,someofthecausesofit,theyrefrainedcarefullyfromallcomments,contentingthemselveswithtellingmewhenI
waswellenoughthatKrebshaddiedquitesuddenlythatSundayafternoon;
thathisdeath——occurringatsuchacrucialmoment——hadbeensufficienttoturnthetideoftheelectionandmakeEdgarGreenhalgemayor.
ThousandswhohadfailedtounderstandHermannKrebs,butwhomhehadneverthelessstirredandtroubled,suddenlyawoketothefactthathehadhadelementsofgreatness
MyfeelingsinthosefirstdaysatSantaBarbaramaybelikened,indeed,tothoseofamanwhohaspassedthroughaterribleaccidentthathasdeprivedhimofsightorhearing,andwhichhewishestoforget.WhatI
wasmostconsciousofthenwasanachingsenseofloss——anachethatbydegreesbecameathrobbingpainaslifeflowedbackintome,re-inflamingoncemoremybeingwithprotestandpassion,arousingmetorevoltagainstthefatethathadovertakenme.IevenbeganatmomentstofeelafiercedesiretogobackandtakeupagainthefightfromwhichIhadbeensostrangelyremoved——removedbytheagencyofthingsstillobscure.
ImightgetNancyyet,beatdownherresistance,overcomeher,ifonlyI
couldbenearherandseeher.ButeveninthemidstofthesesurgesofpassionIwasconsciousofthebirthofanewforceIdidnotunderstand,andwhichIresented,thathadarisentogivebattletomypassionsanddesires.Thisstrugglewasnotmentallyreflectedasadebatebetweenrightandwrong,astowhetherIshouldorshouldnotbejustifiedintakingNancyifIcouldgether:itseemedasthoughsomenewandsmallyetdoggedintruderhadforcedanentranceintome,aninsignificantpigmywhodidnothesitatetobarthepathwayoftherevivinggiantofmydesires.Thesecontestssappedmystrength.ItseemedasthoughinmyisolationIlovedNancy,Imissedhermorethanever,andtheflavourshegavetolife.
ThenHermannKrebsbegantopresshimselfonme.Iusethewordasexpressiveofthoseearlyresentfulfeelings,——Iratherpicturedhimthenasthepersonificationofanhostileelementintheuniversethathadbroughtaboutmymiseriesandaccomplishedmydownfall;Iattributedthedisagreeablethwartingofmyimpulsestohisagency;Ididnotwishtothinkofhim,forhestoodsomehowforavaguefutureIfearedtocontemplate.Yettheillusionofhispresence,oncebegun,continuedtogrowuponme,andIfindmyselfutterlyunabletodescribethatstruggleinwhichheseemedtobefightingasagainstmyselfformyconfidence;
thatprocesswherebyhegraduallygrewasrealtomeasthoughhestilllived——untilIcouldalmosthearhisvoiceandseehissmile.AtmomentsIresistedwildly,asthoughmysurvivaldependedonit;atothermomentsheseemedtobringmepeace.OnedayIrecalledasvividlyasthoughitweretakingplaceagainthatlasttimeIhadbeenwithhim;Iseemedoncemoretobelisteningtothecalmyetearnesttalkrangingoversomanytopics,politicsandgovernment,economicsandscienceandreligion.I
didnotyetgraspthesynthesishehadmadeofthemall,butIsawthemnowallfocussedinhimelementshehaddrawnfromhumanlivesandhumanexperiences.IthinkitwasthenIfirstfeltthequickeningsofanewlifetobebornintravailandpainWearied,yetexalted,IsankdownonastonebenchandgazedoutatthelittleislandofSantaCruzafloatontheshimmeringsea.
Ihavementionedmyinabilitytodepicttheterriblestrugglethatwentoninmysoul.ItseemsstrangethatNietzsche——thatmostruthlessofphilosopherstotheromanticmind!——shouldexpressitforme.\"Thegeniusoftheheart,fromcontactwithwhicheverymangoesawayricher,not\'blessed\'andovercome,butricherhimself,freshertohimselfthanbefore,openedup,breatheduponandsoundedbyathawingwind;moreuncertain,perhaps,moredelicate,morebruised;butfullofhopeswhichasyetlacknames,fullofanewwillandstriving,fullofanewunwillingnessandcounterstriving.\"
SuchwasmyexperiencewithHermannKrebs.HowkeenlyIrememberthatnewunwillingnessandcounter-striving!Inspiteoftheyearsithasnotwhollydieddown,evento-day
AlmostcoincidentwiththesequickeningsofwhichIhavespokenwastheconsciousnessofahungerstrongerthanthecravingforbreadandmeat,andIbegantomeditateonmyignorance,ontheutterinadequacyandinsufficiencyofmyearlyeducation,onmyneglectofthenewlearningduringtheyearsthathadpassedsinceIleftHarvard.AndIrememberedKrebs\'swords——thatwemust\"reeducateourselves.\"WhatdidIknow?A
systemoflaw,inheritedfromanothersocialorder,thatwasutterlyunabletocopewiththecomplexitiesandmiseriesandinjusticesofamodernindustrialworld.Ihadspentmydaysinmasteringaninadequateandarchaiccode——why?inorderthatImightlearnhowtoevadeit?Thisinitselfcondemnedit.WhatdidIknowoflife?oftheshininguniversethatsurroundedme?WhatdidIknowoftheinsectandtheflower,ofthelawsthatmovedtheplanetsandmadeincandescentthesuns?ofthehumanbody,ofthehumansoulanditsinstincts?Wasthisknowledgeacquiredatsuchcostoflabourandlifeandlovebymyfellow-menofsolittleworthtomethatIcouldignoreit?declarethatithadnosignificanceforme?nobearingonmylifeandconduct?IfIweretoriseandgoforward——andInowfeltsomethinglikeacontinuedimpulse,inspiteofrelaxationsandrevolts——Imustmasterthisknowledge,itmustbemyguide,formthebasisofmycreed.I——whoneverhadhadacreed,neverfelttheneedofone!ForlackofoneIhadbeenrudelyjoltedoutofthefrailshellIhadthoughtsosecure,andstood,asitwere,nakedandshiveringtothestorms,staringataworldthatwasnofunctionofme,afterall.Myproblem,indeed,washowtobecomeafunctionofit
Iresolveduponacourseofreading,butitwasaquestionwhatbookstoget.Krebscouldhavetoldme,ifhehadlived.IeventhoughtonceofwritingPerryBlackwoodtoaskhimtomakealistofthevolumesinKrebs\'slittlelibrary;butIwasashamedtodothis.
Dr.Straffordstillremainedwithme.Notmanyyearsoutofthemedicalschool,hehadinspiredmewithalikingforhimandarespectforhisprofession,andwhenheinformedmeonedaythathecouldnolongerconscientiouslyacceptthesumIwaspayinghim,Ibeggedhimtostayon.
Hewasabigandwholesomeyoungman,companionable,yetquietandunobtrusive,watchfulwithoutappearingtobeso,withtheinnateaswellasthecultivatedknowledgeofpsychologycharacteristicofthebestmodernphysicians.WhenIgrewbetterIcametofeelthathehadgivenhiswholemindtothestudyofmycase,thoughheneverbetrayeditinhisconversation.
\"Strafford,\"IsaidtohimonemorningwithsuchanairofunconcernasI
couldmuster,\"I\'veanideaI\'dliketoreadalittlescience.Couldyourecommendaworkonbiology?\"
IchosebiologybecauseIthoughthewouldknowsomethingaboutit.
\"Popularbiology,Mr.Paret?\"
\"Well,nottoopopular,Ismiled.\"Ithinkitwoulddomegoodtousemymind,tochewonsomething.Besides,youcanhelpmeoverthetoughplaces.\"
Hereturnedthatafternoonwithtwobooks.
\"I\'vebeenratherfortunateingettingthese,\"hesaid.\"Oneisfairlyelementary.Theyhaditatthelibrary.Andtheother——\"hepauseddelicately,\"Ididn\'tknowwhetheryoumightbeinterestedinthelatestspeculationsonthesubject.\"
\"Speculations?\"Irepeated.
\"Well,thephilosophyofit.\"Healmostachievedablushunderhistan.
Heheldoutthesecondbookonthephilosophyoftheorganism.\"It\'stheworkofaGermanscientistwhostandsratherhigh.Ireaditlastwinter,anditinterestedme.IgotitfromaclergymanIknowwhoisspendingthewinterinSantaBarbara.\"
\"Aclergyman!\"
Straffordlaughed.\"An\'advanced\'clergyman,\"heexplained.\"Oh,alotofthemarereadingsciencenow.Ithinkit\'sprettydecentofthem.\"
IlookedatStrafford,whotoweredsixfeetthree,anditsuddenlystruckmethathemightbeoneoftheforerunnersofatypeouruniversitieswereabouttoturnout.Iwonderedwhathebelieved.OfonethingIwassure,thathewasnotinthemedicalprofessiontomakemoney.Thatwasafaithinitself.
Ibeganwiththeelementarywork.
\"You\'dbetterborrowaCenturyDictionary,\"Isaid.
\"That\'seasy,\"hesaid,andactuallyachievedit,withtheclergyman\'said.
TheabsorptioninwhichIfoughtmywaythroughthosebooksmayproveinterestingtofuturegenerations,who,atSunday-schoolage,whenthefableofAdamandEvewaspainfullybeingdrummedintome(withoutanymentionofitsapplication),willbelearningtothinkstraight,acquiringeasilyinearlyyouthwhatIfailedtolearnuntilafterforty.
Andthinkofallthetroubleandtragedythatwillhavebeenaverted.ItistruethatIhadreadsomebiologyatCambridge,whichIhadpromptlyforgotten;ithadnotbeenespeciallyemphasizedbymyinstructorsasrelatedtolife——certainlynotasrelatedtoreligion:suchincidentsasthatofAdamandEveoccupiedthereligiousfieldexclusively.Ihadbeencompelledtocommittomemory,temporarily,thematterinthosebooks;butwhatInowbegantoperceivewasthatthematterwassecondarycomparedtotheviewpointofscience——andthishadbeenutterlyneglected.AsIread,Iexperiencedalltheexcitementofanold-
fashionedromance,butofaromanceofsuchsignificanceastotouchtheveryspringsofexistence;andaboveallIwasimpressedwiththeintegrityofthescientificmethod——anintegritycommensuratewiththedignityofman——thatscornedtoquibbletomakeoutacase,toaffirmsomethingthatcouldnotbeproved.
LittlebylittleIbecamefamiliarwiththeprinciplesofembryonicevolution,ontogeny,andofbiologicalevolution,phylogeny;realized,forthefirsttime,myownhistoryandthatoftheancestorsfromwhomI
haddevelopedanddescended.I,thismarvellouslycomplicatedbeing,tornbydesiresanddespairs,wastheresultoftheunionoftwomicroscopiccells.\"Alllivingthingscomefromtheegg,\"suchhadbeenHarvey\'sdictum.Theresultwaslikethetonicofacolddouche.I
begantofeelcleansedandpurified,asthoughsomethingsticky-sweetwhichallmylifehadclungtomehadbeenwashedaway.Yetaquestionarose,aninsistentquestionthatforeverpressesitselfonthemindofman;howcouldtheseapparentlychemicalandmechanicalprocesses,whichtheauthorofthebookcontentedhimselfwithrecording,accountforme?
Thespermiadartsfortheegg,andpiercesit;personalhistorybegins.
Butwhatmysteriousshapingforceisitthatrepeatsintheindividualthehistoryoftherace,supervisestheorderlydivisionofthecells,bydegreesdirectsthesymmetry,setsasidetheskeletonanddigestivetractandsupervisesthestructure?
Itookupthesecondbook,thatonthephilosophyoftheorganism,toreadinitsprefacethatamuch-to-be-honouredBritishnoblemanhadestablishedafoundationoflecturesinaScotchUniversityforforwardingthestudyofaNaturalTheology.Thetermpossessedme.UnliketheoldtheologywovenofmythsandafancifulphilosophyofthedecadentperiodofGreece,naturaltheologywasfoundedonscienceitself,andscientistswereamongthosewhosoughttodevelopit.Herewasasynthesisthatmadeapowerfulappeal,oneofthemanysignsandportentsofaneweraofwhichIwasdimlybecomingcognizant;
andnowthatIlookedforsigns,Ifoundthemeverywhere,inmyyoungDoctor,inKrebs,inreferencesinthetexts;indicationsofaneworderbeginningtomakeitselffeltinamuddled,chaotichumanworld,whichmight——whichmusthaveaparallelwiththeorderthatrevealeditselfintheegg!Mightnotboth,physicalandsocial,beduetotheinfluenceofthesameinvisible,experimenting,creatingHand?
Mythoughtslingeredlovinglyonthistheologysowellnamed\"natural,\"
onitsconscientiousness,itsrefusaltoaffirmwhatitdidnotprove,onitslackofdogmaticdictumsandinfalliblerevelations;yetitgavemethevisionofanewsanctionwherebymanmightorderhislife,asanctionfromwhichwaseliminatedfearandsuperstitionandromantichope,asanctionwhosedoctrines——unlikethoseofthesentimentaltheology——didnotflyinthefaceofhumaninstinctsandneeds.Norwasitatheologydevoidofinspirationandpoetry,thoughpoetrymightbecalleditscomplement.Withallthatwasbeautifulandtrueinthemythsdeartomankinditdidnotconflict,annullingonlytheviciousdogmatismofliteralinterpretation.InthisconnectionIrememberedsomethingthatKrebshadsaid——inourtalkaboutpoetryandart,——thatthesewereemotion,religionexpressedbythetoolsreasonhadevolved.Music,hehaddeclared,camenearesttothecryofthehumansoul
Thattheologyclearedforfaithanopenroad,madeoffaithareasonablething,yetdidnotrobitofasenseofhighadventure;cleanseditofthetaintsofthriftandselfishconcern.Inthisreaffirmationofvitalismtheremightbeafuture,yes,anindividualfuture,yetitwasfarfromthesmugconceptionofsalvation.Herewasafaithconferredbythefreedomoftruth;afaiththatlostandregaineditselfinlife;itwasdynamicinitsoperation;for,asLessingsaid,thesearchingaftertruth,andnotitspossession,giveshappinesstoman.InthewordsofanAmericanscientist,takenfromhisbookonHeredity,\"Theevolutionaryideahasforcedmantoconsidertheprobablefutureofhisownraceonearthandtotakemeasurestocontrolthatfuture,amatterhehadpreviouslyleftlargelytofate.\"
Hereindeedwasanothersignofthetimes,tofindinastrictlyscientificworkasentencetrulyreligious!AsIcontinuedtoreadtheseworks,Ifoundthemsuffusedwithreligion,religionofakindandqualityIhadnotimagined.Thebirthrightofthespiritofmanwasfreedom,freedomtoexperiment,todetermine,tocreate——tocreatehimself,tocreatesocietyintheimageofGod!Spiritualcreationthefunctionofcooperativemanthroughthecomingages,thetaskthatwastomakehimdivine.Hereindeedwasthegermofanewsanction,ofanewmotive,ofanewreligionthatstrangelyharmonizedwiththeconceptsoftheold——oncethedynamicpowerofthesewasrevealed.
