Butnow——nowIwasinanemotionalstatethatdistortedthefactorsoflife,allthosethingsIhithertohadvalued;evensuchaprizeasthisI
weighedintermsofonesupremedesire:howwouldtheacceptanceofthesenatorshipaffecttheaccomplishmentofthisdesire?Thatwasthequestion.Ibeganmakingrapidcalculations:theactualelectionwouldtakeplaceinthelegislatureayearfromthefollowingJanuary;providedIwereabletoovercomeNancy\'sresistance——whichIwasdeterminedtodo——
nothinginthewayofdivorceproceedingscouldbethoughtofformorethanayear;andIfeareddelay.Ontheotherhand,ifwewaiteduntilafterIhadbeendulyelectedtogetmydivorceandmarryNancymychancesofreelectionwouldbesmall.WhatdidIcareforthesenatorshipanyway——ifIhadher?andIwantedhernow,assoonasI
couldgether.She——alifewithherrepresentednewvalues,newvaluesI
didnotdefine,thatmadeallIhadstrivenforinthepastoflittleworth.ThiswasabaublecomparedwiththecompanionshipofthewomanI
loved,thewomanintendedforme,whowouldgivemepeaceofmindandsoulanddevelopthosetrueraspirationsthathadlongbeenthwartedandstarvedforlackofher.Gradually,assheregainedtheascendencyovermymindsheordinarilyheld——andfromwhichshehadbeentemporarilydisplacedbythearrivalofMr.Watling\'sletterandthetalkinthebank——Ibecameimpatientandirritatedbytheintrusion.ButwhatanswershouldIgivetoDickinsonandGorse?whatexcusefordecliningsuchanoffer?Idecided,asmaybeimagined,towait,totemporize.
Theironyofcircumstances——ofwhatmighthavebeen——preventednowmylayingthistrophyatNancy\'sfeet,forIknewIhadonlytomentionthemattertobecertainoflosingher.
XXIII.
Ihadboughtasmallautomobile,whichIranmyself,anditwasmycustomtoarriveatthefarmeveryeveningaboutfiveo\'clock.ButasIlookbackuponthosedaystheyseemtohavelostsuccession,tobefusedtogether,asitwere,intooneindeterminableperiodbytheintensepressureofemotion;unsatisfiedemotion,——andthestateofphysicalandmentaldisorganizationsetupbyitisintheretrospectnotalittleterrifying.Theworldgrewmoreandmoredistorted,itsaffairswereneglected,thingsuponwhichIhadsethighvaluesbecameasnothing.
AndevenifIcouldsummonbacksomethingofthesequenceofourintercourse,itwouldbeamererepetition——growingonmypartmoreirrationalandinsistent——ofwhatIhavealreadyrelated.Therewerelong,troubled,andfutilesilenceswhenwesattogetherontheporchorinthewoodsandfields;whenIwonderedwhetheritwereweaknessorstrengththatcausedNancytoholdoutagainstmyimportunities:thefearssheprofessedofretribution,thebenumbingeffectsoftheconventionalyears,orthedeep-rootedremnantsofaCalvinismwhich——assheproclaimed——hadlostdefiniteexpressiontopersistasanintuition.
Irecallsomethingshesaidwhensheturnedtomeafteroneofthesesilences.
\"DoyouknowhowIfeelsometimes?asthoughyouandIhadwanderedtogetherintoastrangecountry,andlostourway.Wehavelostourway,Hugh——it\'sallsoclandestine,sofeverish,sounnatural,sounrelatedtolife,thisexistencewe\'releading.Ibelieveitwouldbebetterifitwereamerecaseofphysicalpassion.Ican\'thelpit,\"shewenton,whenIhadexclaimedagainstthis,\"wearetoo——toocomplicated,youaretoocomplicated.It\'sbecausewewantthemorningstars,don\'tyousee?\"
Shewoundherfingerstightlyaroundmine.\"Wenotonlywantthis,butalloflifebesides——youwouldn\'tbesatisfiedwithanythingless.Oh,I
knowit.That\'syourtemperament,youweremadethatway,andI
shouldn\'tbesatisfiedifyouweren\'t.ThetimewouldcomewhenyouwouldblamemeIdon\'tmeanvulgarly——andIcouldn\'tstandthat.Ifyouweren\'tthatway,ifthatweren\'tyournature,Imean,Ishouldhavegivenwaylongago.\"
Imadesomesortofdesperateprotest.
\"No,ifIdidn\'tknowyousowellIbelieveIshouldhavegiveninlongago.I\'mnotthinkingofyoualone,butofmyself,too.I\'mafraidI
shouldn\'tbehappy,thatIshouldbegintothink——andthenIcouldn\'tstop.Theplaintruth,asI\'vetoldyouoverandoveragain,isthatI\'mnotbigenough.\"Shecontinuedsmilingatme,asmileonwhichIcouldnotbeartolook.\"Iwaswrongnottohavegoneaway,\"Iheardhersay.
\"Iwillgoaway.\"
Iwas,atthetime,tooprofoundlydiscouragedtoanswer
Oneeveningafteranexhaustingtalkwesat,inert,onthegrasshummockbesidethestream.Heavycloudshadgatheredinthesky,thelighthaddeepenedtoamethyst,thevalleywasstill,swooningwithexpectancy,louderandlouderthethunderrolledfrombehindthedistanthills,andpresentlyaveildescendedtohidethemfromourview.Greatdropsbegantofall,unheeded.
\"Wemustgoin,\"saidNancy,atlength.
Ifollowedheracrossthefieldandthroughtheorchard.Fromtheporchwestoodgazingoutatthewhiteningrainthatblottedallsavethenearerlandscape,andthesmellofwet,midsummergrasseswillalwaysbeassociatedwiththepoignancyofthatmomentAtdinner,betweentheintervalsofsilence,ourtalkwasoftrivialthings.Wemadeamerepretenceofeating,andIrememberhavingmyattentionarrestedbythesightofastrange,pityingexpressiononthefaceofMrs.Olsen,whowaitedonus.Beforethatthewomanhadbeentomeamereministeringautomaton.Butshemusthavehadideasandopinions,thistransportedSwedishpeasantPresently,havingclearedthetable,sheretired
Thetwilightdeepenedtodusk,todarkness.Thestorm,havingspenttheintensityofitspassioninthosefirstmomentsofheavydownpourandwind,hadrelaxedtoagentlerainthatpatteredontheroof,andfromthestreamcamerecurringlythedirgeofthefrogs.AllIcouldseeofNancywasthedimoutlineofherheadandshoulders:sheseemedfantasticallytobeescapingme,tobefading,tobegoing;insuddendesperationIdroppedonmykneesbesideher,andIfeltherhandsstrayingwithalightyetagonizedtouch,overmyhead.
\"DoyouthinkIhaven\'tsuffered,too?thatIdon\'tsuffer?\"Iheardherask.
SomebetrayingnoteforwhichIhadhithertowaitedinvainmusthavepiercedtomyconsciousness,yetthequiverofjoyandtheswift,convulsivemovementthatfolloweditseemedone.Herstrong,lithebodywasstraininginmyarms,herlipsreturningmykissesClingingtoherhands,Istrovetosummonmyfacultiesofrealization;andIbegantospeakinbroken,endearingsentences.
\"It\'sstrongerthanweare——strongerthananythingelseintheworld,\"
shesaid.
\"Butyou\'renotsorry?\"Iasked.
\"Idon\'twanttothink——Idon\'tcare,\"shereplied.\"IonlyknowthatI
loveyou.Iwonderifyouwilleverknowhowmuch!\"
Themomentslengthenedintohours,andshegentlyremindedmethatitwaslate.Thelightsinthelittlefarmhousesnearbyhadlongbeenextinguished.Ipleadedtolinger;Iwantedher,moreofher,allofherwithafiercedesirethatdrownedrationalthought,andIfearedthatsomethingmightstillcomebetweenus,andcheatmeofher.
\"No,no,\"shecried,withfearinhervoice.\"Weshallhavetothinkitoutverycarefully——whatwemustdo.Wecan\'taffordtomakeanymistakes.\"
\"We\'lltalkitalloverto-morrow,\"Isaid.
Withalast,reluctantembraceIfinallylefther,walkedblindlytowherethemotorcarwasstanding,andstartedtheengine.Ilookedback.
OutlinedinthelightofthedoorwayIsawherfigureinwhatseemedanattitudeofsupplication
Idrovecitywardthroughtherain,mechanicallytakingthefamiliarturnsintheroad,barelymissingamaninabuggyatafour-corners.Heshoutedafterme,buttheworldtowhichhebelongeddidn\'texist.I
livedagainthosemomentsthathadfollowedNancy\'ssurrender,seekingtorecallandfixinmymindeverywordthathadescapedfromherlips——thetrivialthingsthattoloversaresofraughtwithmeaning.Iliveditalloveragain,asIsay,butthereflectionofit,thoughintenselyemotional,differedfromtherealityinthatnowIwassomewhatabletoregardthething,toregardmyself,objectively;todefinecertainfeelingsthathadflittedinfilmyfashionthroughmyconsciousness,delicateshadowsIrecognizedatthetimeasrelatedtosadness.Whenshehadsoamazinglyyielded,thethoughtforwhichmymindhadbeenvaguelygropingwasthatthewomanwholaythereinmyarms,obscuredbythedarkness,wasnotNancyatall!ItwasasifthisonepreciouswomanIhadsodesperatelypursuedhad,inthecapture,lostheridentity,hadmysteriouslybecomejustwoman,inallhersignificance,yes,andhelplessness.Theparticularhadmerged(inevitably,Imighthaveknown)
intothegeneral:thetemporaryhadbecomethelasting,withachainofconsequencesvaguelyimpliedthateveninmyjoygavemepause.ForthefirsttimeinmylifeIhadaglimpseofwhatmarriagemightmean,——
marriageinagreatersensethanIhadeverconceivedit,asortofcosmicsense,implyingobligationstranscendingpromisesandcontracts,callingforgreatnessofsoulofakindIhadnothithertoimagined.Wasthereinmeagrainofdoubtofmyabilitytorespondtosuchahighcall?Ibegantoperceivethatsuchaunionaswecontemplatedinvolvedmoreobligationsthanonenotopposedtotraditionalviewsofmorality.
Ifortifiedmyself,however,——ifindeedIreallyneededfortificationinamoodprevailinglytriumphantandexalted,——withthethoughtthatthislovewasdifferent,therealthing,theloveofmaturitysteepedintheidealsofyouth.HerewasaloveforwhichImustbepreparedtorenounceotherthingsonwhichIsetahighvalue;prepared,incasetheworld,forsomereason,shouldnotlookuponuswithkindliness.Itwascuriousthatsuchreflectionsastheseshouldhavebeendelayeduntilaftertheachievementofmyabsorbingdesire,morecuriousthattheyshouldhavefollowedsocloselyontheheelsofit.Theaffairhadshiftedsuddenlyfromabasisofadventure,ofuncertainty;tooneoffact,ofcommitment;Iamexaggeratingmyconcerninordertodefineit;
Iwasabletopersuademyselfwithoutmuchdifficultythattheselittle,cloudycurrentsinthestreamofmyjoywereduetoanaturalreactionfromthetremendousstrainofthepastweeks,meremorbidfancies.
WhenatlengthIreachedmyroomattheClubIsatlookingoutattherainfallingontheshiningpavementsunderthearc-lights.Thoughwavesofheatcausedbysomesuddenrecollectionorimpatientlongingstillranthroughmybody,asanerjoyofanticipationwassucceedingemotionaltumult,andIreflectedthatNancyhadbeenrightininsistingthatwewalkcircumspectlyinspiteofpassion.Afterall,Ihadoutwittedcircumstance,Ihadgainedtheprize,Icouldaffordtowaitalittle.
Weshouldtalkitoverto-morrow,——no,to-day.Theluminousfaceofthecityhallclockremindedmethatmidnightwaslongpast
Iawokewiththeconsciousnessofanewjoy,suddenlytoidentifyitwithNancy.Shewasmine!IkeptrepeatingitasIdressed;summoningher,notasshehadlaininmyarmsinthedarkness——thoughtheintoxicatingsweetnessofthatpervadedme——butasshehadbeenbeforethecompletenessofhersurrender,dainty,surroundedbythingsexpressinganelusive,uniquelyfemininepersonality.Icouldaffordtosmileattheweather,attheobsidiansky,attherainstillfallingpersistently;andyet,asIatemybreakfast,IfeltacertainimpatiencetoverifywhatI
knewwasacertainty,andhurriedtothetelephonebooth.Iresentedtheinstrument,itspossibilitiesofbetrayal,hervoicesoundedsomatter-
of-factasshebademegoodmorninganddeploredtherain.
\"I\'llbeoutassoonasIcangetaway,\"Isaid.\"Ihaveameetingatthree,butitshouldbeoveratfour.\"AndthenIaddedirresistibly:
\"Nancy,you\'renotsorry?You——youstill——?\"
\"Yes,don\'tbefoolish,\"Iheardherreply,andthistimethetelephonedidnotcompletelydisguisethenoteforwhichIstrained.Isaidsomethingmore,butthecircuitwasclosed
Ishallnotattempttorecountthedetailsofourintercourseduringtheweekthatfollowed.Thereweremomentsofstressandstrainwhenitseemedtomethatwecouldnotwait,momentsthatstrengthenedNancy\'sresolutiontoleaveimmediatelyfortheEast:therewereother,calmerperiodswhenthewisdomofhergoingappealedtome,sinceourultimateunionwouldbehastenedthereby.WeovercamebydegreesthedistastefulnessofthediscussionofwaysandmeansWespentanunforgettableSundayamongthedistanthighhills,besidealittlelakeofourowndiscovery,itsglintingwaterssapphireandchrysoprase.A
grassywoodroad,attheinvitingentrancetowhichwelefttheautomobile,leddownthroughanundergrowthoflaureltoapebblyshore,andtherewelunched;therewelingeredthroughthelongsummerafternoon,Nancywithherbackagainstatree,Iwithmyheadinherlapgazingupatfilmycloudsdriftingimperceptiblyacrossthesky,listeningtothedroningnotesofthebees,notesthatsometimesroseinasharpcrescendo,andagainweresuddenlyhushed.Thesmellofthewood-mouldmingledwiththefainterscentsofwildflowers.Shehadbroughtalongavolumebyamodernpoet:theverses,asNancyreadthem,movedme,——theywerefilledwithanewfaithtowhichmybeingresponded,thefaithoftheforth-farer;notthefaithoftheanchor,butofthesail.IrepeatedsomeofthelinesasindicationsofacreedtowhichI
hadlongbeentryingtoconverther,thoughlackingtheexpression.Shehadletthebookfallonthegrass.Irememberhowshesmileddownatmewiththewisdomoftheagesinhereyes,seekingmyhandwithagesturethatwasalmostmaternal.
\"Youandthepoets,\"shesaid,\"younevergrowup.Isupposethat\'sthereasonwhyweloveyou——andthesewonderfulvisionsoffreedomyouhave.
Anyway,it\'snicetodream,torecreatetheworldasonewouldliketohaveit.\"
\"Butthat\'swhatyouandIaredoing,\"Iinsisted.
\"Wethinkwe\'redoingit——orratheryouthinkso,\"shereplied.\"Andsometimes,Iadmitthatyoualmostpersuademetothinkso.Neverquite.
Whatdisturbsme,\"shecontinued,\"istofindyouandthepoetsfoundingyournewfreedomonnewjustifications,discardingtheoldlawonlytomakeanewone,——asthoughwecouldevergetawayfromnecessities,escapefromdisagreeablethings,exceptindreams.Andthen,thisdelusionofbelievingthatwearemastersofourowndestiny——\"Shepausedandpressedmyfingers.
\"Thereyougo-backtopredestination!\"Iexclaimed.
\"Idon\'tgobacktoanything,orforwardtoanything,\"sheexclaimed.
\"Womenareelemental,butIdon\'texpectyoutounderstandit.Lawsandcodesareforeigntous,philosophiesanddreamsmaydazzleusforthemoment,butwhatwefeelunderneathandwhatweyieldtoaretheprimalforces,thegreatnecessities;whenwerefusejoysit\'sbecauseweknowtheseforcesbyasortofinstinct,whenwe\'reovercomeit\'swithafullknowledgethatthere\'saprice.You\'vetalkedagreatdeal,Hugh,aboutcarvingoutourfuture.Ilistenedtoyou,butIresistedyou.Itwasn\'tthemoralitythatwastaughtmeasachildthatmademeresist,itwassomethingdeeperthanthat,morefundamental,somethingIfeelbutcan\'tyetperceive,andyetshallperceivesomeday.Itisn\'tthatI\'mclingingtothehardandfastrulesbecauseIfailtoseeanyothers,itisn\'tthatIbelievethatallpeopleshouldsticktogetherwhethertheyarehappilymarriedornot,but——Imustsayitevennow——IhaveafeelingIcan\'tdefinethatdivorceisn\'tforus.I\'mnottalkingaboutrightandwrongintheordinarysense——it\'sjustwhatIfeel.I\'veceasedtothink.\"
\"Nancy!\"Ireproachedher.
\"Ican\'thelpit——Idon\'twanttobemorbid.DoyouremembermyaskingyouaboutGod?——thefirstdaythisbegan?andwhetheryouhadagod?
Well,that\'sthetroublewithusallto-day,wehaven\'tanyGod,we\'rewanderers,drifters.Andnowit\'sjustlifethat\'sgotholdofus,mydear,andsweptusawaytogether.That\'sourjustification——ifweneededone——it\'sbeentoostrongforus.\"Sheleanedbackagainstthetreeandclosedhereyes.\"We\'relikechipsinthetorrentofit,Hugh.\"
Itwasnotuntiltheshadowoftheforesthadcreptfaracrossthelakeandthedarkeningwaterswerestillthatwerosereluctantlytoputthedishesintheteabasketandstartonourhomewardjourney.Thetawnyfiresofthesunsetweredyingdownbehindus,themiststealing,ghostlike,intothevalleysbelow;intheskyalittlemooncurledlikeafreshlycutsilvershaving,thatpresentlyturnedtogold,thewhitestaraboveittofire.
Wherethevalleyswidenedwecametosilent,decorouslittletownsandvillageswhereyellow-litwindowsgleamingthroughthetreessuggestedrefugeandpeace,whilewewerewanderersinthenight.ItwasNancy\'smood;andnow,intheevening\'schill,itrecurredtomepoignantly.Inoneofthesevillageswepassedachurch,itsdoorsflungopen;thecongregationwassingingafamiliarhymn.Isloweddownthecar;Ifelthershoulderpressingagainstmyown,andreachedoutmyhandandfoundhers.
\"Areyouwarmenough?\"Iasked
Wespokebutlittleonthatdrive,wehadlearnedthefutilityofwordstoexpressthegreaterjoysandsorrows,thelovethatiscompoundedofthese.
Itwaslatewhenweturnedinbetweenthewhitedatesandmadeourwayupthelittledrivewaytothefarmhouse.Ibadehergoodnightonthestepsoftheporch.
