\"ToEurope!\"Iexclaimed.Thesignificanceoftheannouncementfailedatoncetoregisterinmybrain,butIwasawareofashock.
\"Yes.\"
\"When?\"Iasked.
\"Rightaway.Theendofthismonth.\"
\"Forthesummer?\"
\"Ihaven\'tdecidedhowlongIshallstay.\"
Istaredatherinbewilderment.IncontrasttotheagitationIfeltrisingwithinme,shewasextraordinarilycalm,unbelievablyso.
\"ButwheredoyouintendtogoinEurope?\"
\"IshallgotoLondonforamonthorso,andafterthattosomequietplaceinFrance,probablyatthesea,wherethechildrencanlearnFrenchandGerman.Afterthat,Ihavenoplans.\"
\"But——youtalkasifyoumightstayindefinitely.\"
\"Ihaven\'tdecided,\"sherepeated.
\"Butwhy——whyareyoudoingthis?\"
IwouldhaverecalledthewordsassoonasIhadspokenthem.Therewastheslightestunsteadinessinhervoiceasshereplied:——
\"Isitnecessarytogointothat,Hugh?Wouldn\'titbeuselessaswellasalittlepainful?Surely,goingtoEuropewithoutone\'shusbandisnotanunusualthinginthesedays.LetitjustbeunderstoodthatI
wanttogo,thatthechildrenhavearrivedatanagewhenitwilldothemgood.\"
Igotupandbegantowalkupanddowntheroom,whileshewatchedmewithasilentcalmwhichwasincomprehensible.InvainIsummonedmyfacultiestomeetit.
Ihadnotthoughthercapableofsuchinitiative.
\"Ican\'tseewhyyouwanttoleaveme,\"Isaidatlast,thoughwithafullsenseoftheinadequacyoftheremark,andasuspicionofitshypocrisy.
\"Thatisn\'tquitetrue,\"sheanswered.\"Inthefirstplace,youdon\'tneedme.Iamnotoftheslightestuseinyourlife,Ihaven\'tbeenafactorinitforyears.Yououghtnevertohavemarriedme,——itwasallaterriblemistake.Ibegantorealizethatafterwehadbeenmarriedafewmonths——evenwhenwewereonourweddingtrip.ButIwastooinexperienced——perhapstooweaktoacknowledgeittomyself.InthelastfewyearsIhavecometoseeitplainly.IshouldhavebeenafoolifI
hadn\'t.Iamnotyourwifeinanyrealsenseoftheword,Icannotholdyou,Icannoteveninterestyou.It\'sasituationthatnowomanwithself-respectcanendure.\"
\"Aren\'tthoserathermodernsentiments,foryou,Maude?\"Isaid.
Sheflushedalittle,butotherwiseretainedherremarkablecomposure.
\"Idon\'tcarewhethertheyare\'modern\'ornot,Ionlyknowthatmypositionhasbecomeimpossible.\"
Iwalkedtotheotherendoftheroom,andstoodfacingthecarefullydrawncurtainsofthewindows;fantastically,theyseemedtorepresenttheimpassetowhichmymindhadcome.Didsheintend,ultimately,togetadivorce?Idarednotaskher.Thewordranghorriblyinmyears,thoughunpronounced;andIknewthenthatIlackedhercourage,andtheknowledgewaspartofmyagony.
Iturned.
\"Don\'tyouthinkyou\'veoverdrawnthings,Maudeexaggeratedthem?Nomarriagesareperfect.You\'veletyourminddwelluntilithasbecomeinflamedonmatterswhichreallydon\'tamounttomuch.\"
\"Iwasneversaner,Hugh,\"sherepliedinstantly.AndindeedIwasforcedtoconfessthatshelookedit.ThatnewMaudeIhadseenemergingoflateyearsseemednowtohavefoundherself;shewasnolongerthewomanIhadmarried,——yielding,willingtooverlook,anxioustoplease,livinginme.
\"Idon\'tinfluenceyou,orhelpyouinanyway.Ineverhave.\"
\"Oh,that\'snottrue,\"Iprotested.
Butshecutmeshort,goingoninexorably:——
\"Iammerelyyourhousekeeper,andratherapooroneatthat,fromyourpointofview.Youignoreme.Iamnotblamingyouforit——youaremadethatway.It\'struethatyouhavealwayssupportedmeinluxury,——thatmighthavebeenenoughforanotherwoman.Itisn\'tenoughforme——I,too,havealifetolive,asoultoberesponsiblefor.It\'snotformysakesomuchasforthechildren\'sthatIdon\'twantittobecrushed.\"
\"Crushed!\"Irepeated.
\"Yes.Youarestiflingit.IsayagainthatI\'mnotblamingyou,Hugh.
Youaremadedifferentlyfromme.Allyoucarefor,really,isyourcareer.Youmaythinkthatyoucare,attimes,for——otherthings,butitisn\'tso.\"
Itook,involuntarily,adeepbreath.WouldshementionNancy?WasitinrealityNancywhohadbroughtaboutthiscrisis?AnddidMaudesuspecttheclosenessofthatrelationship?
SuddenlyIfoundmyselfbegginghernottogo;themoreastonishingsince,ifatanytimeduringthepastwinterthissolutionhadpresenteditselftomeasapossibility,Ishouldeagerlyhavewelcomedit!ButshouldIeverhavehadthecouragetoproposeaseparation?Ievenwishedtodeludemyselfnowintobelievingthatwhatshesuggestedwasinrealitynotaseparation.IpreferredtothinkofitasatripA
visionoffreedomthrilledme,andyetIwaswrackedandtorn.Ihadanideathatshewassuffering,thattheordealwasaterribleoneforher;
andatthatmomenttherecrowdedintomymind,meltingme,incidentafterincidentofourpast.
\"Itseemstomethatwehavegotalongprettywelltogether,Maude.I
havebeennegligent——I\'lladmitit.ButI\'lltrytodobetterinthefuture.And——ifyou\'llwaitamonthorso,I\'llgotoEuropewithyou,andwe\'llhaveagoodtime.\"
Shelookedatmesadly,——pityingly,Ithought.
\"No,Hugh,I\'vethoughtitallout.Youreallydon\'twantme.Youonlysaythisbecauseyouaresorryforme,becauseyoudisliketohaveyourfeelingswrung.Youneedn\'tbesorryforme,Ishallbemuchhappierawayfromyou.\"
\"Thinkitover,Maude,\"Ipleaded.\"Ishallmissyouandthechildren.
Ihaven\'tpaidmuchattentiontothem,either,butIamfondofthem,anddependuponthem,too.\"
Sheshookherhead.
\"It\'snouse,Hugh.ItellyouI\'vethoughtitallout.Youdon\'tcareforthechildren,youwerenevermeanttohaveany.\"
\"Aren\'tyourathersevereinyourjudgments?\"
\"Idon\'tthinkso,\"sheanswered.\"I\'mwillingtoadmitmyfaults,thatIamafailuresofarasyouareconcerned.Yourideasoflifeandminearefarapart.\"
\"Isuppose,\"Iexclaimedbitterly,\"thatyouarereferringtomyprofessionalpractices.\"
Anoteofwearinesscreptintohervoice.Imighthaveknownthatshewasneartheendofherstrength.
\"No,Idon\'tthinkit\'sthat,\"shesaiddispassionately.\"Iprefertoputitdown,thatpartofit,toafundamentaldifferenceofideas.Idonotfeelqualifiedtositinjudgmentonthatpartofyourlife,althoughI\'lladmitthatmanyofthethingsyouhavedone,incommonwiththemenwithwhomyouareassociated,haveseemedtomeunjustandinconsiderateoftherightsandfeelingsofothers.Youhavealienatedsomeofyourbestfriends.IfIweretoarraignyouatall,itwouldbeonthescoreofheartlessness.ButIsupposeitisn\'tyourfault,thatyouhaven\'tanyheart.\"
\"That\'sunfair,\"Iputin.
\"Idon\'twishtobeunfair,\"shereplied.\"Only,sinceyouaskme,I
havetotellyouthatthatisthewayitseemstome.Idon\'twanttointroducethequestionofrightandwrongintothis,Hugh,I\'mnotcapableofunravellingit;Ican\'tputmyselfintoyourlife,andseethingsfromyourpointofview,weighyourproblemsanddifficulties.Inthefirstplace,youwon\'tletme.IthinkIunderstandyou,partly——butonlypartly.Youhavekeptyourselfshutup.Butwhydiscussit?I
havemadeupmymind.\"
Thelegalaspectofthematteroccurredtome.Whatrighthadshetoleaveme?Imightrefusetosupporther.YetevenasthesethoughtscameIrejectedthem;Iknewthatitwasnotinmetopressthispoint.
Andshecouldalwaystakerefugewithherfather;withoutthechildren,ofcourse.Buttheverynotionsickenedme.IcouldnotbeartothinkofMaudedeprivedofthechildren.Ihadseatedmyselfagainatthetable.Iputmyhandtomyforehead.
\"Don\'tmakeithard,Hugh,\"Iheardhersay,gently.\"Believeme,itisbest.Iknow.Therewon\'tbeanytalkaboutit,——rightaway,atanyrate.PeoplewillthinkitnaturalthatIshouldwishtogoabroadforthesummer.Andlater——well,thepointofviewaboutsuchaffairshaschanged.Theyarebetterunderstood.\"
Shehadrisen.Shewaspale,stilloutwardlycomposed,——butIhadastrange,hideousfeelingthatshewasweepinginwardly.
\"Aren\'tyoucomingback——ever?\"Icried.
Shedidnotansweratonce.
\"Idon\'tknow,\"shesaid,\"Idon\'tknow,\"andlefttheroomabruptly
Iwantedtofollowher,butsomethingwithheldme.Igotupandwalkedaroundtheroominastateofmindthatwasneartoagony,takingoneoftheneglectedbooksoutoftheshelves,glancingatitsmeaninglessprint,andreplacingit;Istirredthefire,openedthecurtainsandgazedoutintothestreetandclosedthemagain.Ilookedaroundme,asuddenintensityofhatredseizedmeforthisbig,silent,luxurioushouse;IrecalledMaude\'spresentimentaboutit.Then,thinkingImightstilldissuadeher,Iwentslowlyupthepaddedstairway——tofindherdoorlocked;andasenseofthefinalityofherdecisioncameoverme.I
knewthenthatIcouldnotalteritevenwereItogoallthelengthsofabjectness.NorcouldI,Iknew,havebroughtmyselftohavefeignedaloveIdidnotfeel.
WhatwasitIfelt?Icouldnotdefineit.Amazement,foronething,thatMaudewithhertraditional,Christianviewofmarriageshouldhavecometosuchadecision.Iwenttomyroom,undressedmechanicallyandgotintobed
Shegavenosignatthebreakfasttableofhavingmadethedecisionofthegreatestmomentinourlives;sheconversedasusual,askedaboutthenews,reprovedthechildrenforbeingnoisy;andwhenthechildrenhadleftthetabletherewerenotears,reminiscences,recriminations.InspiteoftheslightantagonismandenvyofwhichIwasconscious,——thatshewasthussuperblyincommandofthesituation,thatshehaddevelopedherpinionsandwasthussplendidlyabletousethem,——myadmirationforherhadneverbeengreater.Imadeanefforttoachievetheframeofmindshesuggested:sinceshetookitsocalmly,whyshouldIbetorturedbythetragedyofit?Perhapsshehadceasedtoloveme,afterall!
Perhapsshefeltnothingbutrelief.Atanyrate,Iwasgratefultoher,andIfoundacertainconsolation,asoptomyprideinthereflectionthattheinitiativemusthavebeenherstotake.Icouldnothavedesertedher.
\"Whendoyouthinkofleaving?\"Iasked.
\"TwoweeksfromSaturdayontheOlympic,ifthatisconvenientforyou.\"
Hermannerseemedoneoffriendlysolicitude.\"Youwillremaininthehousethissummer,asusual,Isuppose?\"
\"Yes,\"Isaid.
Itwasasunny,warmmorning,andIwentdowntowninthemotoralmostblithely.Itwasthebestsolutionafterall,andIhadbeenafooltoopposeitAttheoffice,therewasmuchbusinessawaitingme;yetonceinawhile,duringtheday,whenthetensionrelaxed,therecollectionofwhathadhappenedflowedbackintomyconsciousness.
Maudewasgoing!
IhadtelephonedNancy,makinganappointmentfortheafternoon.
Sometimes——nottoofrequently——wewereinthehabitofgoingoutintothecountryinoneofhermotors,asortoflandaulet,Ibelieve,inwhichwewereseparatedfromthechauffeurbyaglassscreen.ShewaswaitingformewhenIarrived,atfour;andassoonaswehadshotclearofthecity,\"Maudeisgoingaway,\"Itoldher.
\"Goingaway?\"sherepeated,struckmorebythetoneofmyvoicethanbywhatIhadsaid.
\"Sheannouncedlastnightthatshewasgoingabroadindefinitely.\"
IhadbeenmorethananxioustoseehowNancywouldtakethenews.A
flushgraduallydeepenedinhercheeks.
\"Youmeanthatsheisgoingtoleaveyou?\"
\"Itlooksthatway.Infact,sheasmuchassaidso.\"
\"Why?\"saidNancy.
\"Well,sheexplaineditprettythoroughly.Apparently,itisn\'tasuddendecision,\"Ireplied,tryingtochoosemywords,tospeakcomposedlyasI
repeatedthegistofourconversation.Nancy,withherfaceaverted,listenedinsilence——asilencethatcontinuedsometimeafterIhadceasedtospeak.
\"Shedidn\'t——shedidn\'tmention——?\"thesentenceremainedunfinished.
\"No,\"Isaidquickly,\"shedidn\'t.Shemustknow,ofcourse,butI\'msurethatdidn\'tenterintoit.\"
Nancy\'seyesastheyreturnedtomewerewet,andinthemwasanexpressionIhadneverseenbefore,——ofpain,reproach,ofquestioning.
Itfrightenedme.
\"Oh,Hugh,howlittleyouknow!\"shecried.
\"Whatdoyoumean?\"Idemanded.
\"Thatiswhathasbroughthertothisdecision——youandI.\"
\"Youmeanthat——thatMaudelovesme?Thatsheisjealous?\"Idon\'tknowhowImanagedtosayit.
\"Nowomanlikestothinkthatsheisafailure,\"murmuredNancy.
\"Well,butsheisn\'treally,\"Iinsisted.\"Shecouldhavemadeanothermanhappy——abetterman.Itwasalloneofthoseterriblemistakesourmodernlifeseemstoemphasizeso.\"
\"Sheisawoman,\"Nancysaid,withwhatseemedatouchofvehemence.
\"It\'suselesstoexpectyoutounderstandDoyourememberwhatI
saidtoyouabouther?HowIappealedtoyouwhenyoumarriedtotrytoappreciateher?\"
\"Itwasn\'tthatIdidn\'tappreciateher,\"Iinterrupted,surprisedthatNancyshouldhaverecalledthis,\"sheisn\'tthewomanforme,wearen\'tmadeforeachother.Itwasmymistake,myfault,Iadmit,butIdon\'tagreewithyouatall,thatwehadanythingtodowithherdecision.Itisjustthe——theculminationofalongperiodofincompatibility.Shehascometorealizethatshehasonlyonelifetolive,andsheseemshappier,morecomposed,moreherselfthanshehaseverbeensinceourmarriage.OfcourseIdon\'tmeantosayitisn\'tpainfulforher
ButIamsuresheisn\'twell,thatitisn\'tbecauseofourseeingoneanother,\"Iconcludedhaltingly.
\"Sheisfinerthaneitherofus,Hugh,——farfiner.\"
Ididnotrelishthisstatement.
\"She\'sfine,Iadmit.ButIcan\'tseehowunderthecircumstancesanyofuscouldhaveacteddifferently.\"AndNancynotreplying,Icontinued:
\"Shehasmadeuphermindtogo,——IsupposeIcouldpreventitbytakingextrememeasures,——butwhatgoodwoulditdo?Isn\'tit,afterall,themostsensible,theonlywayoutofasituationthathasbecomeimpossible?Timeshavechanged,Nancy,andyouyourselfhavebeenthefirsttoadmitit.Marriageisnolongerwhatitwas,andpeoplearecomingtolookuponitmoresensibly.Inordertoperpetuatetheinstitution,asitwas,segregation,insulation,wastheonlycourse.
Mensegregatedtheirwives,womentheirhusbands,——theonlylogicalmethodofprocedure,butitlimitedtheindividual.Ourmothersandfathersthoughtitscandalousifhusbandorwifepaidvisitsalone.Itwasn\'tdone.Butourmodernlifehaschangedallthat.Amarriage,tobeamarriage,shouldbeproofagainstdisturbinginfluences,shouldleavetheindividualsfree;thebindingelementshouldbelove,nottheforceofanimposedauthority.Youseemedtoagreetoallthis.\"
\"Yes,Iknow,\"sheadmitted.\"ButIcannotthinkthathappinesswillevergrowoutofunhappiness.\"
\"ButMaudewillnotbeunhappy,\"Iinsisted.\"Shewillbehappier,farhappier,nowthatshehastakenthestep.\"
\"Oh,IwishIthoughtso,\"Nancyexclaimed.\"Hugh,youalwaysbelievewhatyouwanttobelieve.Andthechildren.Howcanyoubeartopartwiththem?\"
Iwastorn,Ihadamiserablesenseofinadequacy.
\"Ishallmissthem,\"Isaid.\"Ihaveneverreallyappreciatedthem.I
admitIdon\'tdeservetohavethem,andIamwillingtogivethemupforyou,forMaude\"
WehadmadeoneofourfavouritedrivesamongthehillsonthefarsideoftheAshuela,andatsixwerebackatNancy\'shouse.Ididnotgoin,butwalkedslowlyhomewardupGrantAvenue.Ithadbeenatryingafternoon.Ihadnotexpected,indeed,thatNancywouldhaverejoiced,butherattitude,hersilences,betraying,astheydid,compunctions,seemedtothreatenourfuturehappiness.
XXII.
OneeveningtwoorthreedayslaterIreturnedfromtheofficetogazeupatmyhouse,torealizesuddenlythatitwouldbeimpossibleformetolivethere,inthosegreat,emptyrooms,alone;andItoldMaudethatI
wouldgototheClub——duringherabsence.Ipreferredtokeepupthefictionthathertripwouldonlybetemporary.Sheforborefromcontradictingme,devotingherselfefficientlytothetaskofclosingthehouse,makingitseem,somehow,arite,——thefinalriteinhercapacityashousewife.Thedrawing-roomwasshrouded,andthelibrary;thebookswrappedneatlyinpaper;asmellofcamphorpervadedtheplace;thecheerfulschoolroomwasdismantled;trunksandtravellingbagsappeared.
Thesolemnbutlerpackedmyclothes,andIarrangedforaroomattheClubinthewingthatrecentlyhadbeenaddedfortheaccommodationofbachelorsanddesertedhusbands.OneoftheironiesofthosedayswasthatthechildrenbegantosuggestagainpossibilitiesofhappinessIhadmissed——especiallyMatthew.Withallhisgentleness,theboyseemedtohaveaprecociousunderstandingoftheverities,andthecapacityforsufferingwhichasachildIhadpossessed.Buthehadmoreself-
control.Thoughhelookedforwardtotheprospectofnewscenesandexperienceswiththeanticipationnaturaltohistemperament,Ithoughthebetrayedatmomentsacertainintuitionastowhatwasgoingon.
\"Whenareyoucomingover,father?\"heaskedonce.\"Howsoonwillyourbusinessletyou?\"
Hehadbeenbroughtupinthebeliefthatmybusinesswasatyrant.
\"Oh,soon,Matthew,——sometimesoon,\"Isaid.
