AweekorsoaftertheelectionIreceivedaletterfromGeorgeHutchinsaskingmetocometoElkington.Ishallnotenterintothedetailsofthelegalmatterinvolved.ManytimesthatwinterIwasaguestattheyellow-brickhouse,andIhavetoconfess,asspringcameon,thatImadeseveraltripstoElkingtonwhichbusinessnecessitydidnotabsolutelydemand.
IconsideredMaudeHutchins,andfoundtheconsiderationratheradelightfulprocess.Asbecameaneligibleandsuccessfulyoungman,I
wascarefulnottobetraytoomuchinterest;andIoccupiedmyselfatfirstwithareviewofwhatIdeemedhershortcomings.NotthatIwasthinkingofmarriage——butIhadimaginedthefutureMrs.Paretastall;
Maudewasuptomychin:again,thehairofthefortunateladywastobedark,andMaude\'swasgoldenred:myidealhadesprit,lightnessoftouch,thefacultyofseizingjusttheaspectofasubjectthatdelightedme,andaknowledgeoftheworld;Maudewassimple,direct,andinawordprovincial.Herprovinciality,however,wasnegativeratherthanpositive,shehadnodisagreeablemannerisms,hervoicewasnotnasal;
herplasticityappealedtome.IsupposeIwaslostwithoutknowingitwhenIbegantothinkofmouldingher.
Allofthiswentonatfrequentintervalsduringthewinter,andwhileI
wasorganizingtheElkingtonPowerandTractionCompanyforGeorgeI
foundtimetodineandsupatMaude\'shouse,andtotakewalkswithher.
IthoughtIdetectedanincensedeliciouslysweet;bynomeansoverpowering,likethelily\'s,butmoreliketheshyfragranceofthewoodflower.Irecallherkindwelcomes,thefaintdeepeningofcolourinhercheekswhenshegreetedme,andwhileIsuspectedthatshelookeduptomeshehadasurprisingandtantalizingself-command.
TherecamemomentswhenIgrewslightlyalarmed,as,forinstance,oneSundayintheearlyspringwhenIwasdiningattheEzraHutchins\'shouseandsurprisedMrs.Hutchins\'sglanceonme,suspectingherofseekingtodivinewhatmannerofmanIwas.Ibecameself-conscious;IdarednotlookatMaude,whosatacrossthetable;thereafterIbegantofeelthattheHutchinsconnectionregardedmeasasuitor.IhadgrownintimatewithGeorgeandhiswife,whodidnotrefrainfromslyallusions;andGeorgehimselfonceremarked,withcharacteristictact,thatIwasmostconscientiousinmyattentiontothetractionaffair;IhavereasontobelievetheywereevenlessdelicatewithMaude.Thiswasthelogicaltimetowithdraw——butIdallied.Theexperiencewasbecomingmoreengrossing,——ifImaysodescribeit,——andspringwasapproaching.Thestarsintheircourseswereconspiring.Iwasbynomeansasyetaself-
acknowledgedwooer,andwediscussedloveinitslighterphasesthroughthemediumofliterature.Heavenforgivemeforcallingitso!Aboutthatperiod,itwillberemembered,amushroomgrowthofvolumesofacertainkindsprangintoexistence;littlebookswith\"artistic\"bindingsandwidemargins,sweetenedessays,someofthemwritteninbeautifulEnglishbydilettanteauthorsfordrawing-roomconsumption;andcollectionsofshortstories,nodoubtchieflyboughtbyphilandererslikemyself,whowerethusenabledtoskateonthiniceoverdeepwater.
Itwasamostdelightfulrelationshipthatthesehelpedtosupport,andI
fondlybelievedIcouldreachshoreagainwheneverIchose.
TherecameaSundayinearlyMay,oneofthosedayswhenthefeminineassumesalargeimportance.IhadbeentotheHutchinses\'church;andMaude,asshesatandprayeddecorouslyinthepewbesideme,suddenlyincreasedinattractivenessanddesirability.Hervoicewasverysweet,andIfeltadeliciousandlanguorousthrillwhichIidentifiednotonlywithlove,butalsowitharevivingspirituality.Howoftenthetwoseemtogohandinhand!
Sheworeadressofafilmymaterial,mauve,withadesigningoldthreadrunningthroughit.Oflate,itseemed,shehadhadmorenewdresses:
andtheirmodesseemedmorecosmopolitan;atleasttothemasculineeye.
Howdelicatelyherhairgrew,inlittle,shiningwisps,aroundherwhiteneck!Icouldhavereachedoutmyhandandtouchedher.Anditwasthisdesire,——althoughbynomeansoverwhelming,——thatstartledme.DidI
reallywanther?Theconsiderationofthisvitalquestionoccupiedthewholetimeofthesermon;mademedistraitatdinner,——alargefamilygathering.LaterIfoundmyselfalonewithheronabenchintheHutchinses\'gardenwherewehadwalkedthedayofmyarrival,duringthecampaign.
Thegardenswereverydifferent,now.Thetreeshadburstforthagainintoleaf,thespiraeabushesseemedweighteddownwithsnow,andwithanotelikethatofthequiveringbassstringofa\'cellothebeeshummedamongthefruitblossoms.AndtherebesidemeinherfilmydresswasMaude,apartofitall——themeaningofallthatsetmybeingclamouring.
Shewaslikesomeripened,deliciousflowerreadytobepickedOneofthosepernicious,make-believevolumeshadfallenonthebenchbetweenus,forIcouldnotreadanymore;Icouldnotthink;Itouchedherhand,andwhenshedrewitgentlyawayIglancedather.Reasonmadeavaliantbuthopelessefforttoassertitself.WasIsurethatIwantedher——forlife?Nouse!Iwantedhernow,nomatterwhatpricethatfuturemightdemand.Anawkwardsilencefellbetweenus——awkwardtome,atleast——andI,herguideandmentor,becamebanal,apologetic,confused.ImadesomeidioticremarkaboutbeingtogetherintheGardenofEden.
\"IrememberMr.DoddridgesayinginBibleclassthatitwassupposedtobeontheEuphrates,\"shereplied.\"Butit\'sbeendestroyedbytheflood.\"
\"Let\'smakeanother——oneofourown,\"Isuggested.
\"Why,howsillyyouarethisafternoon.\"
\"What\'stopreventus——Maude?\"Idemanded,withadrythroat.
\"Nonsense!\"shelaughed.InproportionasIlostpoisesheseemedtogainit.
\"It\'snotnonsense,\"Ifaltered.\"Ifweweremarried.\"
Atlastthefatefulwordswerepronounced——irrevocably.And,insteadofqualms,Ifeltnothingbutrelief,joythatIhadbeensweptalongbythefloodoffeeling.Shedidnotlookatme,butgazedstraightaheadofher.
\"IfIloveyou,Maude?\"Istammered,afteramoment.
\"ButIdon\'tloveyou,\"shereplied,steadily.
NeverinmylifehadIbeensoutterlytakenaback.
\"Doyoumean,\"Imanagedtosay,\"thatafterallthesemonthsyoudon\'tlikemealittle?\"
\"`Liking\'isn\'tloving.\"Shelookedmefullintheface.\"Ilikeyouverymuch.\"
\"But——\"thereIstopped,paralyzedbywhatappearedtomethequintessenceoffeminineinconsistencyandcaprice.Yet,asIstaredather,shecertainlydidnotappearcapricious.ItisnottoomuchtosaythatIwasfairlyastoundedatthisevidenceofself-commandanddecision,ofthestrengthofmindtorefuseme.WasitpossiblethatshehadfeltnothingandIall?Igottomyfeet.
\"Ihatetohurtyourfeelings,\"Iheardhersay.\"I\'mverysorry.\"
Shelookedupatme.Afterwards,whenreflectingonthescene,Iseemedtorememberthatthereweretearsinhereyes.Iwasnotinaconditiontoappreciatehersplendidsincerity.Iwasoverwhelmedandinarticulate.Ileftherthere,onthebench,andwentbacktoGeorge\'s,announcingmyintentionoftakingthefiveo\'clocktrain
MaudeHutchinshadbecome,atastroke,themostdesirableofwomen.I
haveoftenwonderedhowIshouldhavefeltonthatfive-hourjourneybacktothecityifshehadfallenintomyarms!Ishouldhavepersuadedmyself,nodoubt,thatIhadnotdoneafoolishthinginyieldingtoanimpulseandproposingtoaninexperiencedandprovincialyoungwoman,yettherewouldhavebeenregretsinthebackground.Toodeeplychagrinedtoseeanyhumourinthesituation,IsettleddowninaPullmanseatandwentoverandoveragaintheeventofthatafternoonuntilthetrainreachedthecity.
Asthedaysworeon,andIattendedtomycases,IthoughtofMaudeagreatdeal,andinthosemomentswhenthepressureofbusinesswasrelaxed,sheobsessedme.Shemustloveme,——onlyshedidnotrealizeit.Thatwasthesecret!Hervaluehadrisenamazingly,becomesupreme;
theveryactofrefusingmehademphasizedherqualificationsasawife,andInowdesiredherwithalltheintensityofanaturewhichhadbeenpermittedalwaystoachieveitsobjects.Theinevitableprocessofidealizationbegan.IndustyofficesIrecalledherfreshnessasshehadsatbesidemeinthegarden,——thefreshnessofaflower;withBerkeleyansubjectivismIclothedtheflowerwithcolour,bestoweditwithfragrance.IconferredonMaudeallthegiftsandgracesthatwomanhadpossessedsincethecreation.AndIrecalled,withmingledbitternessandtenderness,theturnofherhead,thedownonherneck,thehalf-
revealedcurveofherarmInspiteofthegrowingsordidnessofLymeStreet,mymotherandIstilllivedintheoldhouse,forwhichsheverynaturallyhadasentiment.InvainIhadurgedherfromtimetotimetomoveoutintoabrighterandfresherneighbourhood.Itwouldbetimeenough,shesaid,whenIwasmarried.
\"Ifyouwaitforthat,mother,\"Ianswered,\"weshallspendtherestofourliveshere.\"
\"Ishallspendtherestofmylifehere,\"shewoulddeclare.\"Butyou——
youhaveyourlifebeforeyou,mydear.Youwouldbesomuchmorecontentedif——ifyoucouldfindsomenicegirl.Ithinkyoulive——toofeverishly.\"
Idonotknowwhetherornotshesuspectedmeofbeinginlove,norindeedhowmuchshereadofmeinotherways.Ididnotconfideinher,nordiditstrikemethatshemighthaveyearnedforconfidences;thoughsometimes,whenIdinedathome,Isurprisedhergentleface——framednowwithwhitehair——liftedwistfullytowardmeacrossthetable.Ourrelationship,indeed,wasapatheticprojectionofthatwhichhadexistedinmychildhood;wehadneverbeenconfidantsthen.TheworldinwhichI
livedandfought,ofgreattransactionsandmercilessconsequencesfrightenedher;herownworldwasmorelimitedthanever.Shehearddisquietingthings,Iamsure,fromCousinRobertBreck,whohadbecomemoreandmorequeruloussincethetime-honouredfirmofBreckandCompanyhadbeenforcedtocloseitsdoorsandthehomeatClaremorehadbeensold.MymotheroftenspentthedayinthescrolledsuburbancottagewiththecolouredglassfrontdoorwherehelivedwiththeKinleysandHelen
IfmymothersuspectedthatIwasanticipatingmarriage,andsaidnothing,NancyDurrettsuspectedandspokeout.
LifeissuchacurioussuccessionofcontradictionsandsurprisesthatI
recordherewithoutcommentthefactthatIwasseeingmuchmoreofNancysincehermarriagethanIhadintheyearsprecedingit.Acomradeshipexistedbetweenus.Ioftendinedatherhouseandhadfallenintothehabitofstoppingtherefrequentlyonmywayhomeintheevening.Hamdidnotseemtomind.Whatwasclear,atanyrate,wasthatNancy,beforemarriage,hadexactedsomesortofanunderstandingbywhichher\"freedom\"wasnottobeinterferedwith.Shewasthefirstamongusofthe\"modernwives.\"
Ham,whoseheartstringsandpurse-stringswereoddlyintertwined,hadstipulatedthattheyweretooccupytheoldDurrettmansion;butwhenNancyhadmadeit\"livable,\"assheexpressedit,heissaidtohaveremarkedthathemightaswellhavebuiltanewhouseandbeendonewithit.NotevenoldNathanielhimselfwouldhaverecognizedhishomewhenNancyfinishedwhatshetermedfurnishing:outwentthehorsehair,thehideouschandeliers,thestuffybooks,theRecamierstatuary,andanarmyofupholsterers,wood-workers,etc.,fromBostonandNewYorkinvadedtheplace.Theoldmahoganydoorswerespared,butmatchednowbyChippendaleandSheraton;thenew,polishedfloorswerecoveredwithOrientalrugs,thedrearyDurrettpicturesreplacedbygoodcanvasesandtapestries.Nancyhadwhatamountedtoageniusforinterioreffects,andshewasthefirsttointroduceamongustheluxurythatwastogrowmoreandmoreprevalentasourwealthincreasedbyleapsandbounds.
OnlyNancy\'sluxury,thoughlavish,wasnevervulgar,andherhousewhencompletedhadrathermarvellouslythefinedistinctionofsomeoldLondonmansionfilledwiththebestthatgenerationscouldcontribute.ItleftMrs.FrederickGrierson——whoseresidenceontheHeightshadhithertobeenour\"grandest\"——breathlesswithdespair.
WithcharacteristicaudacityNancyhadchosenoldNathaniel\'ssanctumforherparticularsalon,intowhichHamhimselfdidnotdaretoventurewithoutinvitation.ItwashunginPompeiianredandhadalittlewrought-ironbalconyprojectingovertheyard,nowtransformedbyanexpertintoagarden.WhenIhadfirstenteredthisroomafterthemetamorphosishadtakenplaceIinquiredafterthetombstonemantel.
\"Oh,I\'vepulleditupbytheroots,\"shesaid.
\"Aren\'tyouafraidofghosts?\"Iinquired.
\"DoIlookit?\"sheasked.AndIconfessedthatshedidn\'t.Indeed,allghostswerelaid,norwasthereabouthertheslightestevidenceofmourningorregret.Onewasforcedtoacknowledgeherperfectioninthepartshehadchosenasthearbitressofsocialhonours.Thecandidateswererapidlyincreasing;almosteverymonth,itseemed,someoneturnedupwithafortuneandtheaspirationsthatgowithit,anditwasMrs.
Durrettwhodecidedthedelicatequestionoffitness.Withthese,andwiththeworldatlarge,hermannermightbestbedescribedasdifficult;
andIwasoftenamusedatthewayinwhichshecontrivedtokeepthematarm\'slengthandmakethemuncomfortable.Withherintimates——ofwhomtherewerefew——shewasfrank.
\"Isupposeyouenjoyit,\"Isaidtoheronce.
\"OfcourseIenjoyit,orIshouldn\'tdoit,\"sheretorted.\"Itisn\'ttherealthing,asItoldyouonce.Butnoneofusgetstherealthing.
It\'spowerJustasyouenjoywhatyou\'redoing——sortingouttheunfit.It\'sagame,itkeepsusfrombroodingoverthingswecan\'thelp.
Andafterall,whenwehavegoodappetitesandarefairlyhappy,whyshouldwecomplain?\"
\"I\'mnotcomplaining,\"Isaid,takingupacigarette,\"sinceIstillenjoyyourfavour.\"
Sheregardedmecuriously.
\"Andwhenyougetmarried,Hugh?\"
\"Sufficientuntotheday,\"Ireplied.
\"HowshallIgetalong,Iwonder,withthatsimpleandunsophisticatedladywhensheappears?\"
\"Well,\"Isaid,\"youwouldn\'tmarryme.\"
Sheshookherheadatme,andsmiled
\"No,\"shecorrectedme,\"youlikemebetterasHams\'wifethanyouwouldhaveasyourown.\"
ImerelylaughedatthisremarkItwouldindeedhavebeendifficulttoanalyzethenewrelationshipthathadsprungupbetweenus,tosaywhatelementscomposedit.Therootsofitwentbacktothebeginningofourlives;andtherewasmuchofsentimentinit,nodoubt.Sheunderstoodmeasnooneelseintheworldunderstoodme,andshewasfondofmeinspiteofit.
Hence,whenIbecameinfatuatedwithMaudeHutchins,afterthatSundaywhenshesounexpectedlyhadrefusedme,ImighthaveknownthatNancy\'ssuspicionswouldbearoused.Shestartledmebyaccusingme,outofaclearsky,ofbeinginlove.Idenieditalittletooemphatically.
\"Whyshouldn\'tyoutellme,Hugh,ifit\'sso?\"sheasked.\"Ididn\'thesitatetotellyou.\"
ItwasjustbeforeherdeparturefortheEasttospendthesummer.Wewereonthebalcony,shadedbythebigmaplethatgrewattheendofthegarden.
\"Butthere\'snothingtotell,\"Iinsisted.
Shelaybackinherchair,regardingme.
\"DidyouthinkthatI\'dbejealous?\"
\"There\'snothingtobejealousabout.\"
\"I\'vealwaysexpectedyoutogetmarried,Hugh.I\'veevenpredictedthetype.\"
Shehad,intruth,withanaccuracyalmostuncanny.
\"TheonlythingI\'mafraidofisthatshewon\'tlikeme.Shelivesinthatplaceyou\'vebeengoingtosomuch,lately,——doesn\'tshe?\"
Ofcourseshehadputtwoandtwotogether,myvisitstoElkingtonandmymanner,whichIhadflatteredmyselfhadnotbeendistrait.Onthechancethatsheknewmore,fromsomesource,Ichangedmytactics.
\"IsupposeyoumeanMaudeHutchins,\"Isaid.
Nancylaughed.
\"Sothat\'shername!\"
\"It\'sthenameofagirlinElkington.I\'vebeendoinglegalworkfortheHutchinses,andIimaginesomeidiothasbeengossiping.She\'sjustayounggirl——muchtooyoungforme.\"
\"Menarequeercreatures,\"shedeclared.\"DidyouthinkIshouldbejealous?\"
ItwasexactlywhatIhadthought,butIdeniedit.
\"Whyshouldyoube——eveniftherewereanythingtobejealousabout?Youdidn\'tconsultmewhenyougotmarried.Youmerelyannouncedanirrevocabledecision.\"
Nancyleanedforwardandlaidherhandonmyarm.
\"Mydear,\"shesaid,\"strangeasitmayseem,Iwantyoutobehappy.I
don\'twantyoutomakeamistake,Hugh,toogreatamistake.\"
